Previously: Bret thought that falling in love would be awesome. Even after he saw the skanks and former men vying for said love. Courtney did what the rest of us would do and drank her ass off, passing out before she could make it to elimination. And then stripper Jackie rejected Bret! For her own anxiety issues, though, not because she finds it ridiculous to compete for the affection of a middle-aged wig-wearing Botox addict. This gave octogenarian Ambre a second chance to make Bret her lovre.
It is morning. And gah! Angelique sleeping looks like a scene right out of Where the Wild Things Are. Niki explains to us that four of the eliminated girls have gone home, while one is still in the house. Yes, it is drunk-ass Courtney. When she wakes, Peyton has to break the news to Courtney that her tour ends here. Once Courtney scrapes the fuzz off of her tongue, she calls herself a dumb [expletive]. I like to think that she channeled Tiffany on that one, but I guess we'll never know for sure. As she lugs her bags down the stairs, Peyton, in her three-packs-a-day Patty and Selma Bouvier voice, yells, "Stay off the sauce!" I kind of love her. Courtney tells us that she came to the show with a full intention of falling in love. She's a sweet girl and a caring girl, she says, but is also apparently a blackout-drunk girl. And if that's not what Bret's looking for, she says, maybe he's better off. Who ever thought that Bret would pass up a blackout-drunk girl? Credit where credit is due.
As the girls make themselves up, Sara confesses that her parents don't know she's there. And! She applied for the show as a dare. What could the "truth" question have been to make this seem like a more appealing option? You know it was like, "Have you ever killed a puppy?" For shame, Sara puppy-killer! Inna Tuna is pissed off, and wants Bret to find out. Her strategy for this is to tell loudmouth Aubrey the truth about "whatshername, the Indian one." Manjula? Inna Tuna is certain that Aubrey will tell Bret. For her part, Sara doesn't seem to be trying to keep this a secret. She tells how it all went down:
Sara's friends: You're not gonna do it.
Sara: Watch me do it!
Sara's friends: You're not gonna do it.
Sara: Watch me do it!
Scintillating. Aubrey, whose perma-bandana must be there to cover up her hormone therapy patches, can't wait to tell Bret. She notices Bret throwing a football around with Big John, and figures she can throw a ball, kinda. Something tells me that Aubrey can kinda do a lot of things with a ball. Bret is wearing a Steelers shirt, holla. Aubrey throws the ball poorly so Big John has to retrieve it, then announces, "Let's talk!" to Bret. She asks what Bret is looking for in a woman, and gives "sincerity" and "honesty" as examples of appropriate answers. Poor, deluded, she-male Aubrey. Bret tells her that physical attraction and chemistry are the most important things, though at some point you have to have "some form of honesty." Some form of honesty? Is that like Bret saying he still has "some form of hair" on the top of his head? As I once read on a bottlecap, the truth, much like Bret's weave after a long night of fraternizing with his 20 new lady loves, is slippery like eels. Aubrey spills the beans about Sara and the dare, and Bret doesn't seem to care, saying that sometimes the best relationships form by accidents. And the best babies. (Hi Mom!) Bret, not knowing if all of this is true or if it's part of Aubrey's strategy, is going to take a bit and think this over. I thought I smelled something burning.
Hey, there's a box of props! And Bret Mail! Oh, God, and Angelique gets to read it. She announces that it's a song before reading, "I need a woman wiz talent and style / Keep me unterested un you will stay for a while. / Today each of you give me a peek / Uv what you zink make you unique / Shake eet a leetle / Shake it a lot / Be sure to show me what you got!" Those last three lines are totally straight from a Poison song. People aren't entirely sure what the fuck Angelique is talking about, but their best guess is that it's a talent show. And I mean, quels idiots. A talent show on Rock of Love is like a talent show on the Miss Universe Pageant: pointless. And, like, all their talents are going to involve poles and ping-pong balls and doing impressions of what their cooters looked like pre-labiapasty. Oh, except Destiney. Her talent is kung-fu.
Angelique announces that she wants to show Bret that, in addition to getting nekkid and such, she can be a good housewife. So she's preparing a chocolate mousse and chocolate cake. Anything she's preparing with her bare hands has to be some sort of health code violation, right? Sarah is going to try belly-dancing, even though she's never done it before. Mysteriously, she has a belly-dancing skirt with all the jingly things. Maybe she thought she'd take it up during her free time in the house. Ambre is wrapping herself up like a present. Yeah, I don't know. Kristy Joe thinks it's pretty dumb, too. Niki is writing a poem! Ha! Let us quote Peyton: "As sweet as she is, that sucks." Inna Tuna's talent, of course, is tying cherry stems in knots with her tongue. As she puts on a bedazzled bandana -- which, how many of these women thought to do that? -- it's show time.
The women head to meet Bret, where they find neon lights and a peep show booth. Siouxsie Sioux must have had a vision of this moment when she put together the phrase "Peepshow, creepshow" 20-odd years ago. Basically, the girls have 30 seconds to perform in the peepshow booth in front of Bret and a highly ironic sign saying, "Live Shows: Classy Girls." However, if Bret likes what they're doing, he can put a token in a machine and the girls will get an extra 15 seconds. It's like the "Open Your Heart" video, except Bret holds the lock and we hold the Valtrex. Niki doesn't know what she'll do if Bret ends up liking her poem but she says it too fast and can't fill the extra 15 seconds. Eh, just show your boobs. Another victim of overthinking. The top three peepshowers get a date with Bret. Several of the girls crack a brewski to prepare themselves. Daisy is super-nervous to perform in front of Bret because, and I quote, "He's like a god." If you close your eyes, Daisy sounds just like Gwen Stefani. Opening your eyes isn't something I'd recommend. Oh, and as it turns out, all the other girls get to watch the peepshow performances on a little TV. Awesome.
Aubrey is the first to go, and her talent is playing the drums. Suffice it to say that Aubrey is completely unfamiliar with the concepts of either drumming or rhythm. She gets no extra 15 seconds. Destiney does some kick-ass kung-fu moves, and it kind of turns Bret on. She gets another token, and thanks God for the privilege. Everyone in Kenya is like, "If only He hadn't been so transfixed by the kung-fu." Niki is with her poem, which begins, "Here I stand before you, with my heart worn on my sleeve / God I am so nervous, I can barely breathe." Now Bret knows what it's like to be on the receiving end of a Bret Mail. Niki does not get an extra token. And then Korie writes "Merry Me" on chart paper. Even Bret knows that it's spelled "Marrey." He isn't impressed. There's another poem from Catherine, which doesn't impress Bret either.
So what is Kristy Joe's talent, you're wondering? Ironing while displaying her bodacious tatas in a red bra. Angelique says, "But zese girls, zey don't get eet...eez a peepshow booszz...stop ironing, start streeping! Get nekkid, ya know?" Nonetheless, Bret, having noticed that his bandana-front weaves have appeared a bit wrinkly lately, drops in a token. This means Kristy Joe can finish that stubborn button-down shirt. Seriously, I would need to be in the booth for 18 minutes to finish one pair of pants. OH! But as her extra fifteen seconds begins, Kristy Joe rips off her wifebeater. I have never seen Bret's eyes that far outside of his head. The eyeliner practically goes with them. He says he's going to come through the glass in a minute, then, I kid you not, asks her to start ironing again. He interviews, "I know people think I'm crazy, but ironing does turn me on." Imagine how excited he gets when a woman busts out the Murphy's Oil!
up is Megan, and Bret has to move to the edge of his seat before she even begins. Megan's talent is apparently patriotism, as she is wearing a stars and stripes bikini and puts three thongs -- red, white, and blue -- into her "empty magic bag." Bret, wanting very much to get into her empty magic bag himself, puts a token in the machine. The three thongs turn into...an American flag. Yes, friends, this is what our soldiers overseas are fighting for. Bret says, "Nothing can make me stand at attention better than an American flag," which is of course really a boner comment. We even get a "boing!" sound effect. Roxy gives Megan a "bravo," and says she's thinking outside the box. Bret is certainly thinking inside the box. And then Sara! She has jingly things all over. Bret is offended that she did a belly dance without showing her belly, and thinks she's shown very little effort. Oh, and then Inna Tuna. Bret gets up close to the glass to see her tie the cherry stem in a knot with her tongue. Jessica tells us that she could do this with her toes. And truly, if you didn't believe in Darwin before, this show really solidifies the kinship between us and our primate brothers and sisters. I think I saw Inna Tuna picking bugs out of Aubrey's hair and eating them for breakfast. Bret loves Tuna.
Oh, and then Ambre. Her talent is opening up her package. She gets an extra fifteen seconds, because that's the way Bret rolls. Oh, and then Daisy, who, like, wears slutty clothes and sings. Bret really, really likes Daisy because, again, he is a fan of a well-appointed package. Hey! And then Peyton! She wails on a guitar and sings like Melissa Etheridge in her bedazzled bandana. Bret loves her and thinks she's just cool. Even though I think she might get a blonde buzz cut and shout, "Stop the insanity!" at any moment, I tend to agree. Angelique is , and her talent is getting naked and slathering herself with -- yes, it's true -- sugar-free chocolate mousse. Or, as Angelique says, "Diet sugar." Because of Bret's dia-BEE-tis. The sugar you don't put in your chocolate mousse today is the ass you don't have to jab a diabetic-coma-ending needle into tomorrow. Bret says, "I'm looking for a woman who I can connect with spiritually. And any woman willing to lick chocolate mousse off of her own breasts...that's a spiritual connection that you can't deny." Hey, at least he didn't say "breasteses."
Bret announces the three winners! It's based on talent and sexiness. Peyton wins the talent contest, and feels not only exhilarated but validated. Daisy also wins for no reason at all. And then, Bret tells Kristy Joe that she was super sexy, but in terms of originality, he has to go with Ambre. Kristy Joe is SHOCKED. Maybe Bret wanted to reciprocate and give a worthy present for Ambre's 112th birthday?
The talent show ends and the VIP girls settle in for a long winter's nap. Downstairs, however, the other girls are ready to party. Bret thinks the VIPs are losers, and says that the Bret Michaels rules state, "Don't go to bed early." He wears his super-sized red bandana, which covers at least two quadrants of his face, and -- I shit you not -- serenades the girls with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." There is some moistening of ye olde panties. Bret, still pissed about the lame-o VIPs, decides that there will be an old-school dance-off the day. What the fuck is he even talking about? He tells Peyton to gather up the others and express his displeasure to the VIPs. Peyton, as ever, takes this mission very seriously and leads her troops upstairs. The VIPs are all, what the fuck, and Daisy asks if they're going to be square-dancing or something. Daisy, you wish, because momentarily you will be engaged in...RIVERDANCE!!!
The morning, Big John calls the girls together and rips into the VIPS again, saying that if something is going on, they should attend, at least for a while. Destiney panics. And for reals, I say let the bitches get some Zs. After all, they need about 30 cumulative years of beauty sleep. The three challenge winners get Bret Mail, which is read demonstratively by Ambre: "Last night I peeped your best / You proved to me that you can entertain / Now it's time for all-terrain / Later tonight three of us go / Exit stage left, you're off the show. / See you downstairs in one hour." Can they not add a "I know you smell like tuna, be sure to shower"? Unresolved couplet!!
While the three peepshow winners go off to their date, Megan, Jessica, and Destiney decide to make Bret a card to express how sorry they are for not spending time with him. Okay, first of all, who is this "Jessica" they keep throwing on my screen, and how did she get in the VIP room? Second of all, I hope you're going to add some tits along with the glitter and hearts if you want that card to be effective.
Meanwhile, date! They're going four-wheeling. Daisy says she's worried because she's never done it and she doesn't want to look like an idiot in front of Bret, but really I think it's because if she gets thrown off and something cracks open when she lands face-down, green slime will shoot everywhere. Bret tells us that ATVing is great, because when you're done, the hot sun and vibration makes you want to...mmph. It's like sitting on a dryer for adventurous people. The girls suit up; Bret gives them some basic instruction. Daisy is confused. Still, everyone manages to ride without dying. So far. Back at home, Inna Tuna and Angelique decide to set up a floor for a dance contest. It has lots of flowers and candles. It's true that nothing makes you move like a foot on fire. Oh, and the VIPs make their card, which maybe has cut-out swords on it? I guess it's a tribute to Bret's love of Pirates of Penzance.
Back at the date, Bret compliments Ambre, Daisy, and Peyton on their peepshow performances. Daisy has, like, a rivulet of mud running from her nose to her lips. I'm sure she has no feeling left in her face, so wouldn't even notice if her septum had been taken over by carpenter ants. Peyton and Daisy both connect with Bret on a musical level, and Ambre feels a little left out. Noticing this, Bret takes her off for some one-on-one time. Daisy is hoping that this will lead Bret to be as bored with Ambre as anyone else is. Ambre's interests are working out, hanging with her friends, and chilling at home. She had a long-term relationship that she walked away from because it was stifling her career. Bret relates. They kiss, and Bret says Ambre is one of the best kissers he's ever...kissed. He gets heavy, heavy movement. For the Reverend Martin Luther King: sing.
Meanwhile, at home, the three VIP girls are all dolled up in lingerie and waiting for Bret with their card, which might feature a giant bandana. Jessica tells the others that they make an amazing trio...of brains. Mmm, delicious brains. Seeing them, Inna Tuna and Angelique decide to do the same. Destiney tells us that they're copying. It's like the time in third grade when my friend Billie got pinstripe jeans, and then I got pinstripe jeans, and she had to sit me down and have a serious conversation and say, "I got pinstripe jeans, and then you got pinstripe jeans. Stop copying me!" Sadly, the only person in the house with pinstripe jeans (Jordache, natch) is Catherine, and no one is copying her.
Back at the Hungry Valley date, Ambre is on cloud nine when she and Bret return to the other girls She tells us it's the best date she's ever had in her whole entire life. Ambre was a nun for 86 years before renouncing her vows and appearing on this show.
And then, copying scandale resumes! The three VIPS get chairs and put them right in front of the door, so they can be sure to get Bret right when he enters. Inna Tuna and Angelique get chairs and put them EVEN CLOSER to the door. Megan remarks that some people can't come up with their own ideas. Inna Tuna tells her to shut the fuck up. Inna Tuna terrifies me, but I kind of love her. She is the sort of girl who will tell you that she's going to beat your ass, and then actually beat it.
Bret enters and receives the ambush with pleasure. Angelique notes that she was dressed like a stripper slut, and she's sure that Bret saw her first. Do you think Angelique is actually that French woman who got her face bitten off by a dog? But the face transplant didn't actually go that well, so the doctors just put Mr. Potato Head pieces on her and were like, "Well, it's better than open seeping wounds, isn't it?" She and Inna Tuna go to wait for Bret in the living room, and he accepts kisses from the VIPs. Inexplicably, he loves the card. Korie interviews that she is disgusted by the little puppy dogs who are waiting by the doors for Bret's attention, and then I think she says that she has to shit, but she's still seen. I have to be honest here: I have no idea what she's talking about.
Angelique and Inna Tuna tell Bret that they've organized the floor for the dance contest. Bret totally doesn't remember that he even suggested such a toolish idea, but totally plays it off and says that they KNEW he REALLY wanted to do it, so they took the bull by the horns. As a reward for their vigilance, Bret tells Inna Tuna and Angelique that they can be the dance contest JUDGES. This is how Sandra Day O'Connor started her career. Tangentially, wouldn't it be awesome if Hillary Rodham Clinton stopped by the Rock of Love house on the campaign trail? She already did Tyra, so I wouldn't say it's out of the question. If she goes on to win the nomination, she will do everything in her power to ensure that the third installment in this series is Barack of Love.
And then, dance off! Each girl will pick an old school dance -- a la The Robot -- out of a hat, and then will have to do it. The three women who do the best will get VIP passes, which will basically allow them to interrupt Bret when he's with another ho and squirrel away some time with him. Roxy is ready to rock it. Angelique, who is sporting a terrifying amount of underboob, and Inna Tuna, who is sporting a terrifying amount of fishnet bodystocking, have absolute power. Bret lets us know, in case we had any doubt, that this is more about bringing the sexy than dancing. And to think I practiced the fully clothed Macarena for hours!
Aubrey, sans bandana, is first. She doesn't know her chosen dance -- The Shopping Cart -- so she just kind of jiggles. Angelique tells her she looks ridiculous. I don't know, I think she looks appropriately homeless and mentally ill. Kristy Joe gets The Worm and really commits, smashing her boobs on the floor as she writhes. Bret thinks it might be the finest worm he's ever seen. I bet there's some vintage footage of Alfonso Ribeiro on YouTube that will prove this statement false. Megan gets The Moonwalk and is kind of unimpressive. The Hammer, The Lawnmower, and The Cabbage Patch fail to impress, and Bret interviews that he's starting to get concerned that he has a crop of bad girls. Trust me, Mary, that's the least of your concerns. Niki does a poor Robot, but Roxy saves the day with her truly excellent Funky Chicken. Destiney, who is wearing a bikini with a belt around her bare waist -- ??? -- gets into her Running Man, and Daisy's Pony causes Bret to lick her belly button. I'm sure Boney Maroni never got that treatment. Bret, Angelique, and Inna Tuna deliberate in his room, and it's like the U.N. with more silicone and collagen. In the end, the winners are Roxy, Destiney, and Daisy.
Bret reminds the girls that there is an impending elimination. Niki figures that since she's a bad dancer and didn't take her shirt off, she's going home. This is one to grow on for those applying for jobs at American Apparel. Angelique, who is figuring out which of her manifold pink boob wraps to wear, thinks that the trifecta of 1) pressing her boobs against the peepshow glass; 2) helping to set up the dance contest; and 3) licking her own tits will be enough to keep her in the competition. Really, it's hard to argue with that logic. I'm organizing a dance contest in my apartment and licking my boobs as I type, just to boost my own confidence. I've never felt so good about myself! Nor so sticky! Ambre thinks she and Bret had a connection, while Inna Tuna is certain that Sara of the dare should go home.
Eliminations! Right off the bet, Bret calls out Sara and says that she's made it apparent that she's there on a dare. Sara shakes her head and says no, that "dare" was for a lack of a better word. It was more that she doubted herself. Inna Tuna interjects and asks if Sara never said she was there on a dare. Sara says it was taken out of context. Inna Tuna notes that Sara said it in front of everybody, which, as we have seen, is true. Sara tries to explain and Inna Tuna keeps shouting her down, and eventually Bret has to call Sara to him. And then he boots her! Outside, Sara cries because she disrespected Bret. If that's a crime, then lock me away for life. In any case, she's way too pretty for Bret. He was disappointed that she never said she was there for him, thus the boot.
Bret starts calling the women who get to stay. Inna Tuna is first, followed by Peyton, Ambre, Destiney, Megan, Daisy, Roxy, Jessica, and Kristy Joe. Three passes left! Bret chooses Catherine, because she is a mystery. A mystery of the time-space continuum. Then there's Aubrey. Angelique is wondering why the hell she doesn't have a pass yet. Me too! They can't take her delightful freakishness away from us now. And they don't! Angelique gets to stay and rock Bret's world. The other girls are all appalled. Bret, too, is appalled when Angelique slips him the tongue. He says it's like a serpent, and made its way all the way down his throat, into his belly, and tasted last night's supper. Seriously, it's like a colon cleanse. Angelique really is like a porn movie come to life. It might be kind of hot when you're not really looking all that close and can just hear the slurping or whatnot, but if it actually materialized in front of you, you'd just want to take a bath in Clorox and vow celibacy.
Bret calls the rejected girls down. He calls Niki "Carrie," which is bewildering. She cries. Korie is . I don't think he remembers her name at all, since he just kind of points and calls her "you." He did the same thing to Rikki Rocket for years, so she shouldn't be too offended.
week: Roller derby! The dicksucker whorebag known as Lacey Conner! And it's everyone versus Kristy Joe.