Previously: Blow-Job Brandi made quite an impression on Bret, everyone hated Lacey, Heather got Bret's NAME TATTOOOED on her NECK and was rightfully called a dumb bitch, and Sam got the mercy kill. Four ladies remain, and they inexplicably still totally want to be Bret Michaels's girlfriend.
It is morning, and the girls awake. I think I have the same PJ's as Brandi M.! Strippers: They're just like us. Well, except for Heather. Unless you have seen me hair-spraying my bangs while they're still on the curling iron and caught a glimpse of my neck, upon which you found a nice, colorful slice of cherry pie. Whatever, I was drunk and couldn't actually remember any of the names of the guys in Warrant. Heather sings, "Cause I'm rockin' my man on my neck!" That is the song Britney sang right before they hauled her off to mental lockdown. There was actually a little elf on her neck, though, in that case. Lacey tells us that, with four girls left in the house, it's two on two: her and Heather against Jes and Brandi. Brandi burps and farts and is immature, so she's the target, according to Lacey. Dr. Oz told me that we pass a liter of gas a day! Frankly, I think Brandi is the healthiest one of the bunch for letting it all out. Maybe Lacey's built-up farts cause her to act the way she does. One day she'll fart for thirteen minutes straight and emerge nice as can be.
Big John delivers Bret Mail. Brandi reads it aloud, which is like spending a day in a third-grade classroom. It's almost as if we're volunteering! Can we use this as a tax write-off? In any case, the Bret Mail says this: "Good morning to my final four / Pack your bags it's time to tour / I've got a gig in the city of sin / But when we get back someone goes home again." That's right, it's Vegas, baby! The girls pack and ride in a limo to Bret's sweet tour bus. He greets them with both nipples blazing. I almost want to buy him a training bra right now. Rock stars get tuna sandwiches on their sweet-ass buses. Hell yeah! Rock n' roooooollllllllllll! Bret interviews that, although he's gotten to know these four ladies on an intimate level, they haven't seen "rock star" Bret yet. Well, invent a time machine and they'll have the opportunity to do so. It's important for Bret to gauge how these girls will deal with the rock n' roll experience. How they deal with everything, one presumes: by getting drunk and calling each other something that rhymes with "blunt cod."
And then, we're in Vegas! The town where Heather has left no pole unturned. Bret has to rush off to a "sound check," which Brandi thinks is very sexy. It is true that when Bret leaves the room, the sexiness factor increases by 30%. When Lacey exits, it increases by 220% -- an impressive statistic indeed. The girls are escorted to their pimpin' suite, where Big John tells them how it's going to go. The girls will watch Bret perform, then join him in his suite for dinner and cocktails. Three girls will be dismissed, and the one who impresses him most will stay for a nightcap. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Big John suggests they bring their A games, because it might be the last time they see Bret before elimination.
Brandi thinks that a couple of vodka and Red Bulls are going to aid her in her challenge-winning quest. Meanwhile, Lacey and Heather soak in their two-person Jacuzzi tub. I can't even imagine the shit that's floating in that water now. Dump that on the street, and it's bubonic plague 2.0. They're determined to make Brandi crack because, Heather says, she's just a groupie who's into Bret for all the wrong reasons. Could someone tell me what these mysterious "right reasons" are? Brain damage is the only one I can come up with. Conversely, an already drunk-sounding Brandi says that the ultimate plan should be to get Heather so trashed that she can't walk. Heather is built like '80s football star The Fridge, as well as an actual refrigerator. And, incidentally, probably has the "Superbowl Shuffle" on cassette tape in her car. Something tells me she can hold her liquor. Jes interviews that she doesn't really have a plan -- all she knows is that she doesn't want to get drunk and make an ass of herself. A couple of the other girls already claimed that one anyway.
And then -- ha! The Red Rock Casino Resort Spa presents a free fan appreciation concert -- Bret Michaels...of Poison! One night only! Feast buffet included. All you can eat or not, I totally would have bailed to catch Celine. Bret hits the stage in one of those tank tops you make by cutting the arms off of a t-shirt -- which, who wants to see that much pit, men stuck in the '80s? -- and his favorite flaming Patriot Act cowboy hat. And...wait. Does Bret Michaels shave his armpits? They look pretty hairless. Of course, there is an alternate explanation. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised to see little pit bandanas make an appearance in the near future. Heather, deaf since birth, thinks Bret's unbelievable. Jes can't stop staring at him. Me either, man. Bret plays a song called "Driven" from his new album, Freedom of Sound. Clearly, you've never heard this song. It kills me to point you to a page where a loud, Bret-sung, "Ga ga ga ga ga!" is going to greet you unawares, but here you go.
Brandi says the show was unbelievable and Bret was so sexy, and then she tries to sing along with the words to "Driven" but totally doesn't know them. One would think she would predict that the obvious concluding rhyme to "beside me" was going to be "ride me." I am not kidding. Lacey feels closer to Bret than ever, because he and his songs are so powerful. And really, who could not be moved by a line with the raw power of, "You drive up in your Corvette / I try to get you into my Corvette / No dice / But I still love you." It's like he's the new Homer, working on his masterwork, The Idiocy. And what concert would be complete without a stunning rendition of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"? I mean, every concert I see. But not this one!
The girls head backstage. While Bret goes to change for dinner, they continue drinking with the band. Jes interviews that the other girls were chugging it up to try to impress the guys in the band, but she held back because she preferred spending time with Bret to getting shitfaced. Eh, to each her own. Even Heather wonders what Lacey, who is doing shots of Jagermeister, the planet's most noxious drink, is thinking. Brandi interviews that the shots were going down and she couldn't stop. She knew she was fucked. Seriously: never do the shots. I mean, if you want to keep your shit together. PUT THE TINY GLASS DOWN. Heather is annoyed at Lacey, and doesn't want to be associated with her when she's all sloppy drunk-ized. This is a positive step toward not wanting to be associated with her ever, I think. Brandi and Lacey start an argument that vaguely has something to do with dirty looks. Heather is tangentially involved. And seriously, when the stripper wearing sheep fur boots and a newsboy cap is the classy and together one, you have a problem on your hands.
Lacey slurringly confronts Brandi about the dirty look. Brandi's response? "Get the fuck away from me, I just farted." Ha! I think I'm going to steal that one. Lacey, however, does not heed this instruction, and Brandi quickly gets tired of Lacey's nasty-ass breath in her face. I mean, that's directly from an interview, I'm not just making assumptions, even though I could. Lacey pours some Grey Goose over Brandi. It's rude, but one can't help but note that Brandi's heaving bosom is glistening quite attractively. She should go around vodka-moistened all the time. Brandi throws the bottle of Grey Goose, along with some fighting words. Jes and Heather are so over the drunk bitches. Big John calls the girls up to dinner, and has to tell Lacey to shut the fuck up and come on. Lacey can't even walk, and Big John has to kind of drag her to Bret's suite. To quote Heather, "I'm over it. Pull it together. Walk, bitch." As you learn when you're the designated driver, watching drunk people is really, really boring.
And then, as if things weren't chaotic enough, Brandi tells Heather that Lacey threw her under the bus earlier, apparently saying, "I don't give a !@#$ what I have to do. I am going to !@#$ get him. !@#$ every bitch." Heather interviews that Lacey is her friend, but also a sneaky ass, so she might have to watch herself. Secretly, I think Lacey actually has a little crush on Heather, but I'm sure she'd neckstab her, like, as soon as she'd made a quarter turn to the left. The girls wind up at a bar, I guess in Bret's suite. Lacey knocks over her glass and then instructs the bartender, "Don't give the fake bitches nothing." She wouldn't have to make these clarifications if she didn't carry around her two plastic poodle "pets" everywhere they went. She climbs on the bar like a cracked-out cat, according to Jes, who doesn't know what she's thinking. I would guess that she's thinking, "Hominy hominy hominy...grits?" She's all up in Brandi's face, and Jes tells her to get off the bar. Lacey's reply? "Or what? Or what? Get off the bar or what?" Jes says that Lacey has no respect for Bret or his hotel room. Heather remains silent, thinking that there's no saving her now, and this is Lacey's life, so she's not going to tell her to stop. Lacey then calls Heather a fucking bitch and actually falls towards the bartender, winding up smashing a whole bunch of glasses and limes and the like. Sadly, this all does not end with a trip to the emergency room.
Bret, having heard all hell breaking loose, arrives to take the girls to dinner. Heather wants Lacey and Brandi to get a grip so they can eat. They sit and Lacey slurs, "Heather knows wassssswhut. Heather knows wasssswhut." Brandi's comeback? "Well wassssadeal?" It's really a riveting exchange. Bret tells everyone, and especially Lacey, to shut up. He interviews that he's pissed -- he left the girls alone with his band for fifteen minutes and they're shitfaced. He wonders what happened. Well, Bret, this is what's usually called, "Warming them up for Bret, because what self-respecting girl in 2007 is going to do this sober?" The band members are just doing their jobs. Bret asks if they can all just have a nice dinner. The answer is no. Lacey collapses at the table, which is of serious concern to Bret. Jes tries to give her some water, and then Lacey hurls. Oh, yeah. Right at the table. Even though Jes hates Lacey, she says she's not going to let her go through this alone, since she's obviously fucked up. Bret calls Big John to take Lacey away. Through it all, Heather is chowing down on some cocktail shrimp. Lacey's demise is no skin off her tatters. Bret interviews that Lacey clearly can't handle this lifestyle and everything that goes with it. He's very disappointed.
With Lacey gone, Brandi emerges as the Queen Drunk. Heather tries to get Brandi to eat oysters. Brandi doesn't want any, because they make her sick. And seriously, that is not a good idea. Heather slurps with more gusto than ever, and Brandi holds her napkin tight to her face. And then she pukes into the napkin. It's like the fucking Trevi Fountain. The camera cuts away as we hear copious hurling. Jes goes over to get Brandi and find a toilet that she can hang over. And what's Heather doing all this time, you may ask? Yep. Eating. Hey, you really work up an appetite swinging around by your crotch all day. And she's saying, "Oh my hell, fucking rookies, I'm so bored."
Jes is kind enough to hold Brandi's hair. She interviews, "Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk fruit loops and a fucking hungry stripper." Back at the table, Heather's head is projecting out to gobble up all the marbles she can find. Bret is helping to assist Jes with Brandi, and as he pulls her head out of the toilet Brandi tells him that she really fucking loves him. She backtracks a little and clarifies that maybe she actually doesn't love him yet. But she is ready to open her heart to him. She holds the lock and he holds the key. It's one of the most touching moments of Bret's life. This says a lot about Bret's life. Jes interviews that, last she checked, you shouldn't be vomiting right before you tell someone you love them, but maybe for Brandi it was the right moment. Meanwhile, Heather is still chowing down.
Brandi is relieved from dinner, and Bret doubts that the night is salvageable. Nonetheless, one girl gets the prized nightcap with him. And it's Jes! She was helping out her drunken pukey competition, which really upped her in Bret's esteem. Well, maybe we should all be rewarding Heather for not letting good food go to waste, eh? I'm sure she did it for the starving children in Ethiopia. There came a time when Heather heeded a certain call. It was at dinner. Heather acts cool when Bret tells her that Jes won, but is really pissed inside. In her interview, she struggles with whether, if you have one and a half somethings, you'd use a singular or plural noun. I think Bret made the right decision. And then -- ha! Heather takes a doggie bag or three, including the food off of Bret's plate. She's all class, bitches.
Meanwhile, Jes and Bret are having huggy times on his balcony. And then -- GAH! Oh, God, I can't believe I have to type this. It makes me want to spew a puke fountain of my own. Bret interviews, "After everyone left, Jes and me, um, got along quite well. We got to learn, um, each other both inside and out. It was a good night." I am sprinkling Comet in my ear right now, I am so grossed out. But, honestly, when I stop screaming for a minute, I can't help but wonder if he left the wig on.
The morning, Brandi is equally grossed out by the smell of leftover shrimp. She interviews that after getting a taste of Bret's rock-star lifestyle, she doesn't know if she can hang. Hungover Hannah tells Lacey and Heather that she knows in her heart that Bret's not the one for her. She thinks he's great and everything, but he's not it. Finally, one of these bitches comes to their senses! I knew I liked Brandi M. for a reason. Oh, but then. We flashback to her telling Bret that she loves him. "Bret Michaels is not the one for me. I know what my heart wants, and I know he's not it," she says. It hurts because she cares for him, she interviews, but she doesn't know how much more she can take of everything. Heather and Lacey are scandalized. Heather tells Brandi that she KNOWS Bret's the one for her. To wit: the back of her neck. Lacey, meanwhile, thinks this is the nail in Brandi's coffin. It probably is. Brandi will congratulate herself for this moment of sense and reason at a later date.
Elsewhere, Jes and Bret smooch after their night of coital grodiness. I know this is redundant, but: barf. Jes interviews that after spending the night with Bret she feels much closer to him physically, emotionally, and sexually. It's all good, she says. NAY! It is all the OPPOSITE OF GOOD! They had a hot night in sin city, and that's all she's going to say. Even that is too much. I don't love this show anymore AT ALL. Bret sends Jes back to L.A. in the limo so he can spend the rest of the day with the other girls and try to get to know more about them. Jes is at ease knowing that she and Bret have already connected. She heads home, where she can revel in her newfound Hep C.
Gypsy Rose and the Pukeys get Bret Mail. "Morning my raging ladies / You really tore it up last night / So today I set up something awesome / To get you feeling right." Bret is surprised to see that Lacey is alive and notes that all of them, and especially Brandi, looked tore up from the floor up. Tough talk from a man wearing skintight black jean shorts at the pool. Bret's arranged fun spa day treats for everyone, and is especially excited to join Heather for a hot stone rubdown. In case you were wondering whether Bret wears his bandana to a massage...well, actually, I'm sure you weren't wondering since the answer is obvious. I think a few hot stones to the scalp might provide some good stimulation, but then I am not a licensed aesthetician. With her face in the massage pillow, Heather tells Bret that she has a lot of feelings for him and thinks they have a lot of good times ahead. And, he adds, a lot of good food to eat. Subtle come-on. Brandi, meanwhile, knows that she fucked up with her confession to Heather and Lacey, and figures that their first instinct will be to throw her under the bus. To her credit, Heather momentarily resists the temptation because she doesn't want anything to spoil her good time with Bret. She figures Lacey will deal with it.
It's Brandi's turn to have spa fun times with Bret, as Lacey and Heather figure out how to spill the beans to him. Brandi tells Bret that she does have her guard up because she's afraid of getting hurt, and that she also struggles with whether she's good enough for him. Oh my God, LOOK AT HIM. In the words of Buddha, "Contemplate the bald bastard and the answer will come, you stupid ho." I think I'm going to dedicate myself to the cause of remedying the crippling self-esteem of Las Vegas strippers. The meals budget for that project would be tremendous. Bret tells Brandi that she's beautiful and fun to go to hockey games with. That's a pretty specific positive quality. Brandi interviews that she didn't mean what she said about Bret being all wrong for her, and now knows that she has to defend herself to Bret. Bret in perhaps his most toolish interview ever, and I know it's hard to choose, says, "She felt that she wanted to be much more friends, and uh, be intimate and be lovers, and there was a chance we'd make it as a boyfriend and girlfriend." I mean, when do you hear "lovers" and "boyfriend and girlfriend" in the same sentence? It's like high school yearbook meets Kim and Shane's love theme from Days of Our Lives. They smooch. I bet she still has pukey breath, too.
Brandi says that after talking to Bret she felt a connection, and is willing to stay. When they emerge from their cabana, Heather asks Brandi in front of Bret if she talked to him about what she wanted to talk about. Way to leave it to Lacey, strippo! Brandi says they had a good talk. Lacey knows that Brandi didn't spill her fart-producing beans and is pissed. She takes it upon herself to do so as she and Bret get foot massages. Bret says it's funny, because what Brandi told him was the opposite of what Lacey's telling him. Lacey is aggravated and says that Brandi flat-out lied to Bret's face. Or, perhaps she's lying to Lacey. In any case, Bret wonders if Lacey, being the crazy and malicious bitch that she is, is lying to him to get rid of Brandi. Bret tells Lacey that she is a little malicious, and he needs to watch her more and figure her out. Lacey seems to get a little teary at this. Or maybe she's puking from her eyes. Bret's gut is telling him that there's something wrong with Brandi, but he's on the fence about who to believe. For sure, though, he believes he can fly and touch the sky.
Bret tells the three girls that, amidst all the confusion and rumor-mongering, he's going to keep two of them in Vegas for a little longer and send one back to L.A. Lacey and Heather get to stay while Brandi, who is sucking down a pina colada, is dismissed. Lacey is happy about this development, but also worried about what Bret thinks of her. Well, now's a fine time to start caring about the opinions of others. She says she's not crazy. Maybe she is and maybe she isn't, but either way, if enough people around you think you're possessed by the devil, you might have a bit of a PR problem. It's why Hillary Clinton is retooling her campaign. Brandi knows she fucked up with her ill-timed confession to Lacey and Heather. She hopes that Bret will be able to see that she cares for him.
Heather and Lacey head to dinner with Bret. Man, Lacey really cannot walk in heels. To wit: check it out. Hang in there until at least 1:55. Girl makes one busted drag queen, is all I have to say. Except for this: HAAAAAAAAAA! Bret really wants to get to KNOW these ladies, and so has a few questions lined up. He asks why Heather thinks they'd work. Heather says that they have the same soul -- they're both big hearted and caring and thoughtful, and display it by chowing on the raw bar while their friends are in distress. They have the whole package, she says, which is hard to find. At the very least it's hard to find Bret's package amidst the wadded-up sock. Bret is on the fence about falling for Heather. Lacey is pleased that he's starting to have doubts. We then learn that the inspiration for "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was in fact a dancer who broke Bret's heart. The guy has some serious PTSD issues from this. He also has a very conflicted relationship with rhythm, who is a dancer, but also a soul's companion. Bret is worried about pole emotions. Meaning, can he get Heather off of the stripping pole, and onto his? Heather says she's a very loyal person, and the fact that she is a dancer doesn't affect her ability to fall in love. It does, however, affect her ability to keep her shirt on, ever. She knows that he got his heart broken by the dancer but quite awesomely points out that that was, like, twenty years ago and he needs to get over it.
As Heather begins to say that she did have a guard up when she first started dancing, but doesn't now, Lacey interrupts to say that she'd really like to spend some more one-on-one time with Bret. Way to read a room, asshole. Heather thinks it's fucking rude, and notes that she and Bret have the biggest bond. Still, Lacey thinks Heather's spent a ton of time with Bret and she's gotten none. Bret, always at his best in moments of crisis, says, "Duly noted. Duly noted," and takes a fork full of potatoes. Lacey's going to do whatever she can to make Bret see what a great person she is. How's that going so far, you're wondering? Well, when she asks Bret if he can see them together, he notes that he doesn't do well dating manic-depressives. It's going to be a bit of an uphill battle, is all I'm saying. Oh, but then Lacey pulls out the dead mother card and even gets a little bit of a tear in her eye. Heather's response? "Oh my hell. Lacey is so good at playing Bret." It's true, because Bret says he's starting to understand and connect to her, and tells Heather that he'd like to have some one-on-one time with Lacey. Heather wants to stuff a cocktail shrimp up Bret's urethra. She tells us that her alliance with Lacey is over, and if Lacey gets in her way, she's going to be sorry. She must be at least secretly happy that she has no competition for the dessert tray.
Meanwhile, things are getting grody again. As they walk to Bret's suite, Bret tells Lacey that he wants time to get closer to her. They sit on the red couch. Bret feels that Lacey is more than just a malicious bitch. Lacey feels Bret's inner thigh. That latter feeling might have some influence on the former. And then...AUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Lacey and Bret walk to the bedroom. The bed is covered with rose petals. Lacey kneels on the bed, as Bret kneels on the floor. Would that I had had some sort of combine accident in my youth in which both of my eyes popped out, so I did not have to suffer through this moment. Bret says there's something about her that he likes, and he needs to find out more about what it is. Is he telling her that he needs to investigate her puss? I mean, yes. I imagine Lacey has her pubes styled in her signature look, with long, pointy pieces framing the whole business on each side. The bedroom doors close. The morning, a shirtless Bret escorts Lacey out of his room. She says it was a wonderful night that words can't describe. Yes, only the sound of millions of viewers collectively retching their oyster dinner can do it justice. Bret heads back to L.A., saying that he's using his gut to determine who will get eliminated. Go just a little further south, my man, and that statement becomes true.
Eliminations! Oh, hey, Jes! I forgot all about her for a second. She's feeling pretty secure. Could she get another dress, though? The black halter is cute, but she's worn it, like, four times. Just break down and borrow one of Heather's. Sure it will hang off of your clavicle, but at least it will add some variety. Brandi is a mess. She has feelings for Bret, and will stay if he asks her. Heather is feeling some nerves, since Bret gave her the shaft two nights in a row. For real. She is wearing virginal white tonight, presumably because all the other contestants are getting laid but her. Her dress cut below the navel actually has the effect of making her torso look like The Scream. Anyhoo, Jes gets called first. She's going to stay and rock Bret's world. Heather can't believe it and says that Jes doesn't care about Bret, and probably never will. And then, to add ignominy to insult, Bret calls LACEY. Because unlike Brandi, Bret doesn't bang a chick then throw her out.
Speaking of Brandi, she and Heather are in the bottom two. Bret still thinks that he and Heather have to figure out why she's there, and if it will work. She rolls her eyes. And as for Brandi, when Bret lifted her head out of the toilet and she professed her love, he really believed it. Heather is pissed. She recounts Brandi's statement that Bret was not the one for her. Brandi tries to explain, and Heather interrupts. Brandi has to ask to finish, and then finally confesses that she can see Bret with Jes, and also with Heather, but not with her. I think she's basically just saying that there's no connection, and also that she's, like, fucking smart and played to get to the end of the game but not actually be the winner, because that is a horrific fate that no self-respecting girl would enjoy. Bret asks her to be honest about whether she wants to stay in the house, and Brandi replies that she doesn't think she can let her guard down. Bret gets all pissed because Brandi supposedly fucked with his emotions. He had sex with two other chicks, like, last night. Give the girl a break, pit-waxer. He interviews that Brandi was lying to him and playing him, and he couldn't deal with it no more [sic]. He tells her to have a nice life, and, to her discredit, Brandi actually seems super-sad about leaving. Bret asks anyone else if they want to leave, but they all reiterate that they're there to stay. Heather gets her pass, and tells us that she's prepared to do what she has to do to win her man and will sacrifice anything. Even her dignity? Oh, duh.
week: Wait, did Lacey's dad just ask Bret if she was sucking his cock? But until then it's...
Bret's boner countdown!
16. "After everyone left, Jes and me, um, got along quite well. We got to learn, um, each other both inside and out. It was a good night."
17. "Here's the thing with Heather. And I call it pole emotions, right. And by pole emotions I mean, can I get her off THAT pole and get her onto my pole. It's a big, big thought going through my mind right now."