Previously: Everyone hated Lacey. Sam had a nervous breakdown. And, lest you forgot, Heather threatened to get Bret's name tattooed on her neck. You heard me right, bitches. Get ready.
It is morning, and only five girls are left. Jes was sad to see Mia go, but has the foresight to know that she has to watch her back because the conniving bitches are there, ready to stab it with a pointy pasty. I phrase that ambiguously so you know that it could mean Heather's professional-grade nip covering, or Lacey's elbow. Big John delivers Bret Mail. "Some of my kick-ass fans took a long flight/To this rock star city to spend the night/They came all this way to let me know/Who's gonna stay and who's gotta go/They've got some questions about the time we've shared/They'll want some answers, so be prepared/You know I love my fans so show some respect/Someone's going home and they're going to help me select." I can't believe the Bret Mail writers passed up a chance to finish a couplet with "erect."
Jes says with horror that she's expecting some big-haired '80s girls who look like Heather. Heh. Heather's interpretation is that Bret's fans are going to be some super-hot girls, which is cool by her, since she's not jealous. Plus, she's recently refreshed her Ogilvy home perm and thus looks the super-hottest of all. Lacey and Heather conjecture that Sam's going to take a dive in this challenge because she's jealous and too shy. Jes is excited for the challenge because some objective observers will get the chance to see and tell Bret what a fucking fruit loop Lacey is. Sam is happy about this possibility, since Lacey sucks. We get our third presentation of the interview where Sam calls Lacey a nasty, mean, dumb fucking cunt bitch girl. I think they just need to break down and call her a monster cuntwad. I'm sorry, I know that's a bad word. Tiffany corrupted me! I was swinging drunkenly from an elementary-school flagpole just the other day. This show is my bridge between innocence and experience.
Bret meets with the fab five and tells them that today is all about his favorite subject -- or "subjeck" -- passion. The passion he feels about his fans, he says, is the most important thing to him. I thought it was music? Or motocross? Or mixing things up by wearing the bandana-front weave with the little braids in it? In any case, he brings out three of his superfans -- girls he claims he's known for a long time. They are: 1) Amy, a ten-year Poison fan who still sleeps in the first t-shirt Bret threw her. And, I mean, better that than wear it in public. Amy is from Pittsburgh, my hometown and Bret's, so I'm going to cut her some slack. 2) Ky, a five-year Poison fan who named her cat "Poison." Uhh, okay. And I mean...how could you discover Poison in 2002? I thought all lovers of Poison were by default twenty-year fans. Something is off here. They just dragged these girls in off the streets, didn't they? 3) Allison, a four-year Poison fan who threw a rowdy fan off the tour bus. These are all C-list groupies, I think. I will give credit that they're not as hideous and '80s as we might have predicted. Sam is intimidated by how pretty they are, while Brandi M. thinks they're all bitches. Jes merely wonders if there could be any more sluts in this house. There can be when I arrive in my crotchless onesie.
Bret tells the girls that his superfans are there to resolve any unknown, x-factor issues. They'll ask questions and find out who is true, who is phony, and who has what it takes to be Bret's girl (i.e. the willingness to turn a blind eye toward gonorrhea). The winner will, of course, get a kick-ass solo date. Lacey interviews that she is the queen of intimidation, so this challenge is going to be easy for her. Once Bret has gone, Amy tells the girls that John will pull them in later for individual questioning, but for now they can wait outside. It's cold and raining, and the girls are pissed at being ousted from their own house.
Brandi is chosen to get grilled first, and is nervous. She is led into a makeshift interrogation room surrounded by black curtains, and a bright light shines in her face. The supersluts are sitting at a table like Randy, Paula, and Simon. But they have more cleavage. (Well, they have more cleavage since Randy got his gastric bypass.) The table features the same lamp that I have on my desk at work! And I totally wear a lace corset to the job, too. The supersluts find out that Brandi is an exotic dancer, and Ky asks if she's looking for a ticket out. She says, "So far, no." She adds that she's going to school for interior design and "architect." Amy asks, "What do you want to design, strip clubs?" EW! Step off my ho, ho! Judge not lest ye, Bret Michaels superfan, be judged. Ky asks whether Brandi would still be with Bret if he wasn't a rich rock star. Brandi says she would. She's never been with a rock star in her life, and it's not about that. The supersluts think that Brandi's perfect answers mean that she's fake, and they're not buying the ass that she's selling. They don't think they're seeing the real Brandi.
And then, Amy leans over to Allison and whispers, "I think her hair is smoking." At first I was like, "Well at least they like Brandi's hair! Maybe a simple compliment will forge a new relationship between these two parties." And then I realized that Brandi's hair is LITERALLY smoking. And the bitches just keep asking her questions! Soon she'll go up like Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial and the supersluts will each have her eventual collapsing nose on her conscience ten years from now. I hope you're happy, cartilage killers. Brandi finally gets burned by her bobby pins, and the supersluts let her go. She interviews that being interrogated was a nightmare. The supersluts don't like her either, and agree that she's fake. I normally don't condone violence with molten bobby pins, but might chance my stance in this case.
Sam is . Allison asks whether Sam thinks Bret has feelings for her. She does, based on the way he looks at her and the stuff they talk about. Allison replies that Bret is nice to everyone. Or in her experience, everyone who compliments him on the suppleness of his old wrinkly balls. Sam's heart starts to pound. She says that she and Bret connected on an emotional level when she was feeling insecure about the competition. She adds that she doesn't deal well with other girls, and that it's hard for her. They start whispering, and Sam wants to tell the girls to fuck off, kick them in their faces, and walk out. That's totally what would happen in The Rock Of Love Story, as Kimberly Stewart stretched her dramatic legs yet again as the vulnerable and intense Sam. Amy says that when you're dating a rock star, you can't disappoint him in bed, and asks to hear Sam's best fake orgasm. The implicit message is: when you have sex with Bret Michaels, you need to have this one in your pocket. Sam refuses to do it. Allison is all, "Come on, you NEVER fake it?" and Amy is appalled that she's too shy to moan. Sam says she doesn't have to prove anything to these bitches. Amy notes that Sam seems to have a lack of self-confidence. Sam agrees. Oh, Jesus. Ky says that it seems like Sam is going to break down, and asks if she's emotionally stable. Allison chases that by asking Sam if she sees a therapist. Sam is falling down an endless well of grimy superslut cleavage right now, and one fears it'll take a Baby Jessica-sized miracle to pull her out. Amy doesn't think that Sam is strong, secure, and independent enough to date Bret. It's taking all that Sam has not to break down. She leaves the interrogation room and heads to the couch, where she starts crying. Brandi tries to comfort her, but Sam is pissed that the supersluts got to her. She threatens to leave for, like, the ninetieth time.
Jes is . She tells the supersluts that she's a hairstylist and bartender in Chicago. Good to know! Ky asks her the name of the drummer in Poison. I feel ashamed to admit that I know it's Rikki Rocket. I'm more ashamed that I know how to spell it. I will say that Jes is cooler than I am, but then again, she didn't have to grow up in the '80s. PERMED BANGS, everyone. Jes also has to admit that she doesn't have any of Poison's albums. Amy asks about Jes's lips, and she admits to having them injected. No! But I thought her body was so pure, minus the pink hair! Allison then says, "I'm just going to assume those are your real boobs." In the words of Jes, via interview, "Uh, yeah you stupid bitch, I wouldn't buy boobs and get them this fucking small!" They ask if she's a good kisser, and to choose one of them on which to demonstrate. Jes, despite emphatically not wanting to make out with a chick (boo), goes to town on Ky. Ky notes that she's into the lip biting. Amy asks how it's going in the house. Jes says that they're all cordial, but that she's had some issues with Lacey. Ky asks if she thinks Lacey is crazy. I think "Uh, yeah you stupid bitch" works as a response in this instance, too. Amy compliments Jes on her grace under pressure, and Jes feels confident that she didn't present herself as something she wasn't.
Heather is , and also has to cop to being a stripper. The supersluts ask in rapid succession whether Heather is embarrassed about that, what she's there for, and if she thinks this is her ticket out. The answers are: 1) "a little bit"; 2) "to find love"; 3) "ummm..." Allison asks if Heather thinks Bret will really be comfortable settling down with a stripper. She goes again with Stock Answer #3, "Ummm..." Heather wonders in an interview why they're all being judged. She's asking US this question? You're in for a world of hurt, tatters. Amy asks if Heather cares if any of them have slept with Bret. Heather says no, and that she assumes they have because they're hot and she'd fuck them if she were Bret. Amy laughs, and Heather's purple frosted eyeshadow glimmers in victory. They ask about tattoos, and Heather says she never had any desire until she came up with the brilliant plan to get Bret's name tattooed on her neck. Amy asks if she'd do it tonight, and Heather is ready to go. Heather thinks these crazy bitches like her. They do, and Amy dismisses her by saying it's been fantastic and they appreciate her honesty. Heather interviews that she kicked ass, and thinks Amy wants to do her. Oh, don't we all.
And then there's Lacey, who is proud to announce that she's a musician. Allison asks her to sing one of Bret's songs. Lacey interviews that this is right up her alley, and that she doesn't crack under pressure. She warbles "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," and the supersluts laugh. I mean, with good reason. Lacey interviews that she knows and has used every superslut trick, and that they're not going to get her down. Amy asks if Lacey would be surprised to know that nobody in the house likes her. She wouldn't, and explains that she's fighting for her man. Amy asks if Lacey has anger issues. Lacey says she doesn't, but that she is aggressive. We relive the Dallas incident. I don't think that's as much anger issues as crackheadedness, but okay. Lacey interviews that she's pissed that the other girls were talking shit about her. Amy asks if Lacey is stable. Lacey does not hesitate in saying that she is. The girls then ask if she sees a therapist and/or is on medication. The answer is yes to both. To which I say, up her dosage, man. Amy asks Lacey if she thinks that Bret wants a crazy, volatile woman in his life. Lacey doesn't consider herself crazy and volatile. The editors do, however, and we get a flashback to her throwing Jes into the pool. It's starting to get to Lacey that everyone thinks she's crazy. To which I say, well then, stop acting so crazy all the time, you asshole. The supersluts aren't so sure about Lacey. They summarily dismiss her. Once she's gone Amy says that there's nothing real about her. Despite their bitchiness, the supersluts are pretty good judges of character. Lacey rejoins the other girls and tells them she thinks she did a pretty good job. Sam, and the world, want her to shut the fuck up.
The supersluts then join the girls for a little food and drink. While Lacey sucks up, Brandi pouts on the couch, and Sam heads up to her room, muttering something about staying true to herself. As it turns out, however, the supersluts are actually pretty cool. They even tell Jes she wouldn't look right with boobs, and say she's got the Gwen Stefani thing going on where she rocks the flat chest. For a while I thought that Gwen Stefani would be a good choice to play Jes in The Rock Of Love Story, but I think we need to go younger. Hilary Duff? You might argue that she's not cool enough, at which I will remind you that you need to put things in the perspective of the world of Lifetime.
Bret returns to the house to mix it up with the girls and the supersluts. He notices that Sam is missing, and the others have to acknowledge that the supersluts broke Sam. Bret's response? "Wassagoinon?!?" Okay, let's retitle the Lifetime movie to Wassagoinon: The Rock Of Love Story. Jes goes to find Sam, who is preparing to leave. Again. For the ninety-first time. Blah blah more of the samecakes. Jes doesn't want Sam to go. She's the only other good girl in the house, and if she leaves, Jes will have no one to talk to. Sam doesn't think it's worth feeling like shit about herself, and says that nobody deserves to be ridiculed like that. Except Lacey. Lacey deserves it. And, of course, Bret. Which reminds me -- have you seen the promo shot for Season 2? The wig is unreal. I think it might actually be feathered. Jes tells Sam that she'll support whatever Sam decides.
Meanwhile, Bret has a powwow with the supersluts. Oh, God, not another foursome. Bret -- who is sporting his supersexy black bandana and flat-ironed weave for his biggest fans -- asks about each of the girls. Brandi's answers were what everyone would want to hear, which I guess is still interpreted as fake, but the supersluts agree that she's the cutest. Jes is golden. Amy thinks that Heather is the greatest person there -- she totally DOES want to do her! -- but Allison doesn't think Heather will be able to sit home and be okay when Bret's on the road. Amy says that she loves Sam and would be her best friend, but doesn't think that Sam has what it takes mentally to date Bret. Like, in an emotional stability way, not a smarts way. Though I guess for Mr. Mediocrisy, that goes without saying. However, says Amy, she doesn't want Sam to go home. Bret, knowing that Sam is upset, asks the supersluts to go talk to her. They will, as soon as they get through telling him about Lacey. They all just go, "No." They think she's all wrong for Bret, but Bret says that he digs her.
It is time to announce the results of the challenge. Sam is not there, because she's busy packing. Bret says that they can let her chill for a minute. Amy announces that, for the win, it came down to Jes and Heather, who were the most honest and upfront. Ultimately, they choose Heather for the solo date. Jes has had two already, so this is fair. Heather, who appears to be wearing Hammer pants, does a cartwheel. Bret is excited, and says he knows exactly where they're going. They leave for their date, but the superfans stay behind to mix, mingle, and acquire more dirt. Turns out they'll also help Bret to decide who's going home.
So where are Bret and Lacey going, you may ask? To the tattoo parlor! Bret wants to see if Heather's bluffing about getting his name on her neck. I mean, one can only hope. Heather thinks that this will show 100% commitment to him. And a 100% commitment to idiocy. I guess that's kind of redundant. Back at the house, the supersluts and the girls chill, and Jes is determined to use the opportunity to bash Lacey. She lists off the three primary Lacey adjectives to Ky: malicious, vindictive, manipulative. And then who comes out but Lacey. Jes whispers that she ruins every moment, and Ky goes, "Seriously!" Jes digs Bret's fans. They're a lot of fun and they hate Lacey. What's not to enjoy? Meanwhile, Amy asks Lacey who, other than herself, she'd want to see win. Lacey says Heather, since the two of them have the strongest feelings for Bret. Amy -- who is drinking Grey Goose out of the bottle, by the way -- says she hasn't seen Lacey show any emotion. She's giving the right answers, but Amy doesn't believe her. She needs to look in Lacey's eyes and see that she has Bret's best interests at heart. Lacey is upset that she's losing control of the house and that the other girls are getting to the supersluts. It doesn't occur to her that she besmirches her own reputation quite productively. In any case, three out of three supersluts agree: Lacey sucks.
Meanwhile, Sam is still packing. All of the girls -- Lacey and the supersluts included -- go to convince Sam that she should stay. Sam says that it's nice but weird. The supersluts tell her that they weren't trying to make her feel bad; they were just trying to get to know her. It's like on Top Model when they get someone to be really mean to the girls just to see how they react and then they're like, "Just kidding! You were actually being interviewed by the ghost of Gandhi! Isn't he a card?" They tell Sam that they really like her. Lacey interviews that she's going along with the "Save Sam" campaign so that she can look good in front of the supersluts. Sam is more conflicted than ever. Again. I just want to take a pregnant pause, look at Sam, and go, "Dun dun dun dun dun dun...motoring!" What's Sam's price for flight in finding Mr. Right? Dignity, and a catbag free of bumps and redness. And WILL she be all right tonight? It remains to be seen. The supersluts tell the girls that they'd like to talk to the two of them they think are the least good for Bret. This would be Lacey and Brandi. Lacey thinks this is crazy, and can't believe that she's been put into this situation. Lacey uses the passive voice A LOT.
Meanwhile, tattoo parlor!!! Heather is putting her fate into the hands of Albert Sgambati, a man with Eddie Munster's hairline who is wearing a checked shirt and vest and has worked with the likes of Mickey Rourke. I'm just saying. To Albert's credit, he kind of smirks, closes his eyes, and nods when he hears that Heather wants to get Bret's name on her neck. Heather is nervous, but doesn't want Bret to know. Bret interviews that if Heather goes through with this, it will impress the living shit out of him. And this, a chorus of six tiny Bret heads tell us, is because a tattoo is for life! For life! For life! For life! Poor Heather is too enchanted by the his-and-hers bandanas that she and Bret are sporting to hear these cautionary voices clearly.
As Bret positions himself at cleavage level and grabs Heather's hand, he tells her not to move too much. He says that the tattoo will look beautiful, and tells her that it feels erotic. Heather interviews, "'Erotic' my ass, this shit is gonna hurt." We cut away as the needle strikes Heather's skin. Her response? "Oh my hell! Uuuuhhhh!" Say goodbye to updos, my dancing friend. Bret tells us that, as they were holding each others' arms and Heather was getting his name tattooed on her neck, he and Heather had a very close moment. Tattoos give Bret boners. I'm sure you are surprised. And then, the deed is done, and Heather has "Bret" written in Renaissance Faire lettering on the back of her neck. Ye Olde Brette Tattooe. She thinks it's hot AND dainty. In all fairness, the Hollywood sign would look dainty on that tree trunk that connects her shoulders to her head. Heather is proud of herself, noting that none of the other bitches would step up and get Bret's name tattooed on their body. What a bunch of stupid idiots they are! Seriously, though, if Bret didn't bang Heather after that, she should sue.
Back at the house, the supersluts tell Brandi that they can't shake their bad first impression of her. Amy wants Brandi to make a case for why she should stay. Brandi says that her heart is involved 100%, while Lacey's isn't. Lacey says that she has a tough exterior, but adds that she really cares about Bret. Nice work, Lamey. Meanwhile, Jes talks to Sam, and tells her that none of the supersluts had anything bad to say about her. She thinks that if Sam's heart is in it, she should stay. Sam is afraid of getting hurt. Jes says that she is, too, and asks Sam to reconsider walking out. Sam decides to face her fear and take it like a champ if she gets rejected. She's staying. Hasn't this happened at least three times already? I like Sam and all but, like, dude. You're on Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels. Take it down to level three. The fact that objective outsiders also hate Lacey is a boon to both Jes and Sam. And, really, to humanity.
Speaking of Lacey, she's telling the supersluts that she has a lot of depth, and that they'd see her warmth and compassion if they hung out with her for a few days. Allison quite correctly notes that the other girls have been living with her for a while, and they still hate her stank ass. Amy asks Lacey to tell her something heartfelt. Lacey struggles to squeeze out a tear, and says that this whole situation has been taxing, because it's hard to keep a wall up all the time. But, because of some mystery experiences in her life, that's her survival mechanism. She wouldn't have gotten through the pain of hair that comes from the PAAS color palette without that tool. Jes does a pretty crackerjack impression of Lacey trying to squeeze out tears for the supersluts. She, at the very least, is not buying it. The supersluts go to Bret's bedroom to wait for him, and Brandi wonders if she's going to lose out because she didn't get all weepy.
Bret and Heather return from their date. Bret says that looking at his name tattooed on Heather's neck made him feel close and romantic. He doesn't want to lose this special lady. One can only hope that Heather is a fan of bratwurst and that an "e" is easily changed to an "a." Heather returns home to find the other girls in a very somber mood. Still, she wants to show off her tattoo. The other girls can't believe it. Let's let Jes sum up, shall we? "What kind of a dumb bitch gets a guy's name tattooed in her neck, for her first tattoo, and she's not even technically dating him? This bitch has lost her fucking mind." Maybe she should write the recaps.
Bret talks to his superfans, and tells them that, for him, it's Brandi and Sam who are on the fence. He hasn't put his finger on Brandi yet -- I mean, metaphorically -- and Sam is, of course, super-sensitive. The supersluts like her a lot, though, and tell Bret that their bottom two are Brandi and Lacey. They think Lacey is the one who should go. Bret really isn't surprised, given how everyone on earth and at least two distant planets hates Lacey. Bret is going to take what they said under advisement, but also has to consider his own feelings. Oh, great.
Eliminations! Jes is feeling confident and praying that Lacey goes home. Sam acknowledges her episode and says she doesn't want to be on the show, but that she does want to be with Bret. Lacey is a little worried, and feels like the girls in the house have won. Oh, how we wish. Bret emerges wearing a slimming back ensemble. Heather gets called first. She is wearing glitter eyeshadow and -- though you might not believe this is possible -- her dress is slit to her underboob. And backless. I think that thing does the stripping for you. The light blue color is nice, though. It kind of tones down the brassiness of her skin. Jes interviews that it might not happen tonight, but she guarantees that, in a couple of days, dumb bitch Heather is going to regret the tattoo. And, I may add, it is going to be spectacular.
Jes is called . Those two are really the obvious frontrunners from midseason on. Jes says that the more she falls for Bret, the happier she is to be there, and that she just wants to keep going. NOW who's the dumb bitch, eh Jes? Brandi is called , and Bret says that the supersluts at first felt strongly that she should go, but came around. This of course leaves Lacey and Sam in the bottom two. Bret says that it's the toughest decision he's made so far. He calls Lacey to him. He tells her that he's sorry for what she went through today, and everything that they've been through. What? He's like the whole toolshed. Bret asks whether Lacey is willing to stay in the house one more day and rock his world. She starts tearing up and nods. In the words of Jes, "Are you kidding me? Oh boo fucking hoo, Lacey." I will give Bret Michaels this: he somehow had the foresight to know that if he kept Lacey around long enough, he would stumble upon one of the greatest reality TV moments ever. Oh, it's coming, bitches.
This, of course, means that Sam goes home. Heather is glad, since she thinks Sam is pathetic. It's killing Bret to let go of Sam, but he knows that what they're going through in the house is one tenth of what they'd go through in the real world. The supersluts thought Sam had the biggest soul there, but felt that it would make her snap. Oh, don't put it on the supersluts, you hobag. They wanted to boot Lacey's pasty ass and you know it. Bret thinks that he and Sam will be lifelong friends. She says goodbye, and then they make out for, like, a minute and a half. It's super-slurpy. Sam tells us that Bret rejected her in a way that was loving, sensual, and romantic -- just how she'd want to go out. With guns blazin'! That's not all that's blazing, I'm sure. Bret tells us that, as much as he liked Sam, he couldn't put her through it no more. Sic. Meanwhile, Lacey is still pretending to cry. Let's let Brandi sum it up: "Bravo, where's her fucking Oscar." Lacey interviews that it's amazing what a few tears will do. I think Lacey has a single fang. Why am I not surprised.
week: some drunk biznitches! Wassagoinon? But first it's...
Bret's boner countdown! Again, surprisingly paltry given the appearance of the supersluts and the neck tattoo. Still: grody.
15. "Getting a tattoo can be a very erotic experience. Not only does the pain start to become this kind of trance feeling that just kind of gets me aroused. I've had some of the best sex ever after getting some tattoo work done."