Previously: Vegas, baby! The girls got to see Bret in concert, which made some of them drink heavily. In their defense, having a Poison music video marathon on YouTube last night totally made me do the same. Heather finally started to see Lacey's scheming ways and declared an end to their alliance, while the cold, smooth feeling of a toilet bowl against her cheek prompted Brandi to express her love to Bret. Like any person with sense, she reneged the day. Bret got pissed and sent her home, and we now have our final three!
It is morning in L.A. Heather and Lacey make awkward small talk, and Heather interviews that, after the way Lacey acted in Vegas, Heather doesn't trust her. Lacey has a similar "every girl for herself" attitude, and Jes tells us that her connection with Bret has really intensified, so she has to be sure to tell him how she feels. Bret twiddles with his guitar, and presumably other things, in the B.A.M.B. room, which still has the Polaroids of Brandi M. and Heather on the door. Bret has a big surprise for the Awesome Threesome -- he's asked their parents to come and live at the house for a weekend. And really, we can't say that Bret Michaels never gave anything to humanity, because this is going to be unbelievable. You marry the girl, you marry the parents, says Bret. What about when you just get a daily beej from the girl? Hope you brought kneepads, Lacey's dad!
Big John calls Heather out because -- surprise! Her parents are there. To her credit, she is super-excited. She's only ever seen her parents in a room together about two other times in her life. Not that that makes people turn into strippers, all you divorced parents out there! Keep on keeping on. Heather apparently got her fashion sense from her mom, who is wearing a sequined top. Bret emerges from his room with a look of fright, and interviews that if there's one thing that makes a rock star nervous, it's meeting a girl's parents. Yes, Bret, but how does it make YOU feel? Bret introduces himself to Brenda and David, and says his first impression was that they were cool. It's true -- you can tell that they're a fun time. Heather's dad is a party-loving good old boy from Florida, and he and Bret talk about how the Jaguars always cream the Steelers. Thanks for reminding me, Bret.
Lacey and Jes see Heather's parents and know something's up. Sure enough, Jes's folks are the to arrive. She starts tearing up when she goes to greet them, and assures her dad that it's because she's happy. She has a great, kick-ass relationship with her parents, she says, and needed a good dose of them right now. Bret comes to introduce himself to Deb and Jim. He tells us that he had pictured an extremely uptight banker dad and very judgmental mom, but when he met them, it was the greatest surprise of his life. Even more of a surprise than the time he won that Grammy? Oh, wait. Jes's dad asks Bret if he knows about her Baby Boobie Fund, then points out the comparison between Jes's rack and Deb's. Okay, there, Creepy Joe Simpson. Take it down a level. But Jes doesn't seem to mind, and Bret loves them and appreciates Jes even more.
And then it's time for the arrival of Lacey's dad, who will most certainly be played by Robert Duvall in Wassagoinon: The Rock Of Love Story. Lacey tells us that she's definitely daddy's little girl. There's also a woman with Lacey's dad, who is very blonde and carries a Chanel bag. Lacey shows her dad and apparently despised stepmom the Love Dances With The Devil album cover, and her dad gets a weird look. Or maybe he just couldn't see it properly, what with the glare coming off his earring. Lacey gets a little embarrassed. Not about the earring, but about her dad seeing her looking seductive in red underwear. Like that's never happened before. Bret introduces himself to Otis and Karen, and then tells us that he remembered meeting Lacey's dad on a flight several years ago. As Bret recalls, he thought Otis was pretty odd. I mean, it's true that, in terms of strangers you meet on a plane, you only really remember the people you wished would have shut up and let you read your freaking US Weekly. Otis remembers showing Bret a picture of Lacey. Bret had asked if he could date her, and Otis told him she was way too young. Awkward! Otis doesn't look amused by this. Bret can tell that he's very protective, and sees that there's a ticking time bomb in Otis's eyes. It's called "the crazy," and it is apparently genetic. He must, however, be very rich to have landed the hot second wife.
Bret gets all the girls and all the parents together to lay out the plan for the day. Heather's mom is totally rocking the Zima. It's exactly what my mom would be doing, so I love her. Otis is wearing loafers with no socks. It's a bad sign. A very bad sign. Bret will spend time with Heather and her family first, which she is really excited about. Things are already going well, as Bret tells David that he had to go through Heather to get to him, but knew it would happen eventually. Bret takes them to one of his favorite restaurants, the Saddle Ranch Chop House. Heather already loves the place. Really, they are totally meant to be. Bret wastes no time in ordering a giant beer bong. Brenda says that she doesn't drink that stuff, and Heather tells her not to worry; they'll order her a screwdriver. I love Heather's parents. Well, except, okay. Brenda tells David to tell the story of "the Chinese" that was to him. It's something about farting. I'm sure it's funny when you're there to hear it. Bret loves that Heather's parents hit the bottle and started telling jokes. They're all laughing and having a great time. Heather -- who loves that her dad is off the wall and says crazy shit all the time -- is glad that Bret thinks he's hilarious, too.
At some point when the beer bong is near completion, Bret decides that Heather should ride the bull. She agrees and then, well, let's let her tell it: "The bull starts shimmy-shaking. My tatters are flip-flopping everywhere. People are cheering. Gosh." Gosh, indeed. She gets thrown on her ass, but is glad to do it. She'll risk anything to please Bret, including exposure to STDs that have heretofore only been found in rare Amazonian lizards. David is totally crocked, everyone's having a great time, and both Heather and Bret agree that the date was the best. Bret was glad to see Heather with her family: she's straight and open and pulls no punches, and neither do they, and that's the kind of family Bret comes from, too. Heather's family totally reminds me of my own, and it makes me love them and her even more.
Bret then heads over to meet Jes and her parents at one of his favorite stores, Rock N' Roll Religion. Didn't Cher, like, do mail order for them for a minute during the infomercial era? I just remember her on The Rosie O'Donnell Show hawking, like, gothic cross necklaces or something. Not that it made me love her less. I might have even ordered one. British fashion expert Michelle is the consultant for the day, and Jes's parents get the works. They're trying on all sorts of clothes, and Bret even instructs Deb in the art of hiding your bald spots with a bandana/hat combo. Jim strikes a cool pose in a rocker shirt. Bret notices that Jes really, really gets along with her fun-loving family, and says he enjoys that. They actually go out on the street in their new clothes, which shows that they are good sports. Bret interviews that the date was a nine and a half, if not a ten.
Then it's time to meet with Lacey and her parents. Bret takes them to a restaurant called Eat On Sunset, which seems a lot more suited to their taste than the Chop House. Bret went into the situation thinking he'd get the chance to ask a lot of questions about Lacey and her relationships. Instead, Otis whips questions at Bret, including, "Besides fame and fortune, what do you have to offer a woman?" "Do you play golf?" "Are you from Oklahoma?" "How do you want to end your days?" What is he, freaking James Lipton? Bret says that it was like the Spanish inquisition, and that he was put on the defensive. Obviously trying to get a breather for a minute, Bret asks if there's hot sauce on the fries or if his tongue is on fire. Otis says he thinks it's all the lies Bret's telling. And then, in one of those interviews that makes me really like Bret and feel a little bad for making so much fun of his hair, Bret says, "I'm like, 'I'm not telling no lies, I'm asking ya, is the fucking sauce burning anyone's mouth but mine?'" He says that he hasn't even lied yet, because he hasn't been able to get a fucking word in edgewise.
Otis then asks Bret whether he plans on getting married again. Bret isn't sure. Why is Otis asking this, you wonder? Well, it's because, as he says, he's a wealthy man. He has a big house and great cars and great clothes. Dude, your shirt looks like it was designed by a seven-year-old with a Spirograph. Now who's telling lies? He hopes Bret knows that there will be a pre-nup involved. Bret's response? "Are you fucking kidding me?" That response was in an interview, but it deserved to happen at the table. First of all, interviews Bret, he is not EVEN asking Lacey to marry him. This puts him in a funk. Second of all, all Lacey's ever told Bret is that she's a starving musician struggling to get by. Otis says that Lacey is one of the few women in the world with her own money. Uh, what about the ones that fucking work for a living? Furthermore, she's a presidential scholar, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't drink that much. Except, you know, for the times when she makes out with other chicks and falls into the bar and pukes at the table and stuff. But those are special occasions! His daughter never disappoints him, says Otis. Old man, let me introduce you to a little something called "VH1." And, "reality." Bret is starting to wonder if Lacey's dad knows everything Lacey has been doing while she's been in the house. All I know is that he will soon find out in glorious detail. Otis then asks Bret whether he has hair under his hat. And I mean, even I'm not so much of an asshole that I'd ask him that to his face. Bret just nods and doesn't give very many specifics, which, well, you know. He interviews, "What the fuck is up with Lacey's dad?" Lacey, who said jack during the whole meal, is a little worried about what might be going through Bret's mind. For once I think it might be something other than "boobs," or "Every cowboy sings a sad, sad song."
Bret, Lacey, and her parents head back to the house, where Bret has planned a dinner with all the parents. Bret thinks that there's a side of Lacey that's beautiful. I guess maybe that's the one you see where you're looking down at the top of her head? However, there's a side to her that involves her hiding a lot of things, and Bret's not sure how he feels about that. And then -- HA! Lacey takes her parents to her room, where they encounter a topless and drunk Heather. Well, they really couldn't get a better picture if they're curious what everyday life in the house is like. Otis gets a nice view of Heather's thong and asks if the windows open. Lacey interviews that she would never act that way in front of someone else's parents. And...I mean, she might have a point. Heather interviews that she walked out, and Lacey's dad was totally staring at her tatters, and it freaked her out. "Creepy, creepy creeperton," she says. And, you know, it is, and he might excuse himself from the room. But I also generally try to avoid putting myself in situations where my friends' parents actually see my boobs at all. Just saying. Lacey tells her parents -- who she assumes have gotten a bad first impression of Heather -- that Heather is actually really cool, but (hushed) she's a STRIPPER.
Lacey interviews that Bret doesn't need to be with a stripper, who will be grinding on a man in a club somewhere while he's at home wondering how his pot pie will get cooked. Lacey shows Karen the stripping pole, and then interviews that she's going to mess with Heather. She calls up to Heather and asks her to do something on the pole. Okay, that's fucking low. Heather knows that Lacey is playing her like she played everyone in the house, but says it's not gonna work. She sits down with her parents and lets them know about the challenges, including making out with women, fake orgasms, talking dirty, etc. She wants to warn them, in case Lacey tries to bust her. Heather tells her folks that the other parents don't know shit, so she's going to call them out. She thinks both girls are nice, but she wants Bret. And really, it's all about exposing Lacey. And it is going to be spectacular.
Dinner time! Jes, for obvious reasons, is not looking forward to it. Lacey makes a comment about plates from Target, and then interviews that everyone comes from different backgrounds, so she and her parents don't really have anything in common with the other families. Lacey, with a bottle of water, gives a toast. I am so sure. There is awkward, tense silence, and then Bret comes out. I might add that Heather seems to be actually morphing into Bret, as she's wearing a bandana and snakeskin cowboy hat right now. Lacey interviews that she and her dad and Karen are always there to have a good time, whatever the situation, so take the initiative to get the conversation started. And then, let's let Jes tell us what happens . "Lacey and her dad, being the two fuckers that they are, decided that they should get everybody's bios -- you know, their background -- to see who's best for Bret." Jes talks about working at a company for six years, starting as a receptionist. It wasn't challenging enough, and now she's bartending. Then it's Heather's turn. She wonders why they're being judged. Hey! She wondered that exact same thing, in exactly the same phrasing, when the supersluts were there. Coincidence, that. She tells the others that she went to college and got an associate Art degree and a BA in Communications. She then, as she says, fell into the dancing field. Lacey's dad jumps in and says, "Well, I can connect you up with Time Warner. They're a client of mine." The nature of Otis's business is not known at this point, but I bet it's something grody. ["Elevators?" -- Wing Chun] Heather interviews that Otis is a condescending prick. She thinks he should shut the fuck up and worry about himself and his lying daughter.
And then, it's Lacey's turn! Huzzah. She doesn't even get to speak for herself. Otis says that they live in Dallas and she lives in L.A., where she doesn't work and lives on her investments. HA! He even hoses his own daughter. That is rich. Lacey says that she's a musician. Otis says that she plays the stock market. Lacey interviews that, of the three girls, she's the most accomplished. Jes is content washing people's hair -- which, I might add, is something Lacey might want to try once in a while -- and Heather takes her clothes off for a living. Lacey, however, is the one who has dreams and aspirations and goes after them. Otis brags that Lacey has a new website and a music video. Which, HA. I mean, such as it is. Jes interviews that Otis talks about Lacey like she's God's gift, and clearly has no idea who his daughter is. Oh, but he's about to get one.
Heather, from across the table, asks Lacey if she's drinking, and suggests that she might not want to do that night after night. She asks if Lacey told her dad about knocking down the forty bottles. Lacey says she did, and is getting a bill from the casino. Bret realizes that there is a time bomb about to go off at the table, and very soon the shit is going to hit the motherfucking fan. Heather asks Otis whether Lacey got the partying from him. Lacey tries to say that she just drinks beer in her real life, and Heather notes that it's been more than just beer in the house. Otis's head gets redder and redder. Heather busts out with "You've been drunker than hell, running around naked!" She says it in a very folksy way, and Karen laughs. Otis? Does not laugh. Lacey says that she streaked, and thinks she was sober when doing so. Jes interviews that it was clear that Lacey was really uncomfortable when Heather started calling her out. Karen pulls Lacey out of the room and asks what's up with Heather. She notes that she's making a lot of insinuations, and Lacey might want to show some freaking awareness for once in her life. Lacey's all, "Yeah, yeah, that's a good point." What a loser.
Dinner continues, and Heather says that she can't believe she was the only one up on the bull at lunch. Otis asks who would eat in a restaurant with a mechanical bull. Uh, obviously they just did, you big jerk. I mean, at this point he's just being an asshole on purpose. Bret gets a little offended and interviews that he, and everybody, loves the Saddle Ranch, which is a great, fun, unpretentious place. Also, he's confused, since Otis is from Dallas, Texas. Yes, but on South Fork you never have to eat with the common people unless Miss Ellie is having one of her charity luncheons. Otis tells Bret that it's like "Billy Bob's L.A.," and asks if he could make it a little more hip. Again, this is from a man with a diamond stud in his ear. And I'm sure Otis has more than once pointed out, "It's in the left ear, so it doesn't mean I'm gay." Bret is not digging that Otis is busting on where he chose to go. It's always the refined people who have no fucking manners. Finally, Bret has had enough and excuses himself from dinner. He knows it was a disaster. Even Jes's dad has to say, "Poor Bret." Everyone goes to bed.
The morning, Bret has to beat on the old punching bag to release some tension. This is not a good sign. Bret has a gut feeling that there's something up with Lacey and her dad. Like -- what kind of something? Are we in for a Chinatown moment, here? Lacey's dad was derogatory toward Bret, and he hopes that Lacey's not secretly the same. He talks to Lacey and tells her he's offended, and wonders why Lacey's dad seems to think he needs cash and/or is a fucking leech. And for reals, I know I make fun of what a has-been Bret is, but, you know, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." He's sold a lot of records. And been a host on Nashville Star! I'm sure he's doing just fine. And after all, nobody's proposing Otis Conner: Rock Of Love, are they? Though, actually, that might be kind of awesome. And Lacey would probably be a contestant.
Lacey interviews that her dad is a self-made man, and might not have the most etiquette when talking about money. She'll tell him to chill. We cut to Heather in the kitchen, telling her dad how Lacey has basically been manipulating her from the start because she sees Heather's connection with Bret. Back outside, Lacey -- wanting to do some damage control and figuring that throwing Heather under the bus is the easiest way to do so -- wants to give Bret some food for thought. Girl, I will tell you this. Throwing Heather is like throwing a Xerox machine. Good luck. Lacey tells Bret that, though Heather really seems to love her parents, she doesn't show them a lot of respect. To wit, she strips even though she knows it hurts them. Meanwhile, Heather is totally standing on the balcony listening to the whole thing. In her own words: "I cannot believe what I'm hearing. This whore is totally talking shit about me to Bret." Jes pops out on the balcony in time to hear Lacey tell Bret that, though Heather promised to quit stripping if they ended up together, she didn't quit stripping for her parents. She'll quit for two weeks, Lacey says, and then get back on the pole. And at that point, the pole will be up Lacey's ass, so she'll have quite a view.
While Bret's taking all this in, Heather comes down the stairs preparing to fuck a bitch up. And really, Lacey is such an idiot. Heather curses a lot and says that Lacey is a master manipulator. Also a master baiter. Also a stare master. Heather calls her a liar, and says that her family has no idea what kind of a fucking person she is. Otis, meanwhile, has made his way to the porch. He's probably hoping that Heather's bikini top will fall off in her fury. And hey! At least she's wearing one, for once. Though this really would be an awesome topless tirade. Heather says that Lacey has been manipulating her from day one. Lacey keeps calling her "sweetie," which I think is pretty condescending. Lacey -- apparently forgetting that she was just talking all kinds of shit about the girl -- interviews that Heather came out of nowhere and flipped the fuck out. Jes, meanwhile, is sitting on the sidelines eating a bowl of potato salad and loving it all. Jes is one of us, for sure. I wish I had some potato salad, too.
Heather calls Lacey a liar and a bitch and tells her to stop calling her "sweetie." Lacey wants to tell Heather, in front of Bret, what she just said. Heather's like, duh, I just heard it, you stupid ho. She says that her parents are proud of her, and that Lacey's family members are the ones who are going to be embarrassed when they find out what a liar and manipulator she is. A MASTER manipulator, in fact. Heather interviews that, in addition to thinking that Heather is her biggest competition, Lacey was probably mad that Heather called her out at dinner, and therefore went to talk to Bret. If Lacey wasn't such a freaking liar, however, none of the calling-out would have been necessary. Lacey, of course, thinks it's good that Bret got to see Heather in a rage. Bret, who has had enough, tells Lacey to go in and address Heather now.
Inside, Heather still hasn't calmed down. She yells what a fucking master manipulator lying whore bitch bus thrower-under Lacey is, emphasizing certain words so that they can be heard by all. Jes, of course, is sympathetic to Heather and agrees that Lacey's true colors came out. And then, in what is for sure the coup de grace, Heather steps out on the porch. The camera cuts away, and we hear the following: "Why don't you tell your dad how many times you've BEEP BEEP BEEP since you've been here?" Scrubbed the tub? Cleaned the toilet? Run the dishwasher? I didn't think Heather would get so angry about a dirty house! Jes, knowing how housecleaning arguments can sometimes devolve, simply says, "Oh dear," and walks away. All these girls need is a chore chart! And what I'm really trying to say is that Heather just totally called Lacey a cocksucker in front of her dad. For the first time. Luckily for us there will be more, and in total we will be privileged to be viewers of the pinnacle of the televisual medium.
Heather still rages, cursing up a storm about Lacey in front of all the other parents who are, like, calmly washing the dishes. Her mom gives her a little shush. Heather interviews that Lacey shouldn't dare talk shit about her, since Lacey is the biggest dicksucker whorebag in the house, and has been since day one. This show has affected me in powerful ways because, I've gotta be honest with you, "dicksucker whorebag" sounds like fucking POETRY. Lacey talks with her dad and stepmom about the whole situation, and interviews something about a conflict between caring for her friend, and looking out for Bret's best interests. I mean, what? And then, Otis -- who is wearing what I'm sure is a very expensive peach three-quarter-sleeve mock turtleneck -- says this: "The time she tells you you need to tell your parents who you are -- tell her I've known you for thirty years, I already know who you are. I'm not naïve. I don't need someone who's known you for fifteen minutes to presume that they can teach me who you are." Oh my God, Lacey's dad just told her that he KNOWS she's a DICKSUCKER WHOREBAG! I can't tell you how much I'm loving life right now. At this moment, Lacey interviews, she's starting to see that her friendship with Heather is coming to an end. Oh, ya think so, you dicksucker whorebag? Dicksucker whorebag dicksucker whorebag dicksucker whorebag. I can't stop saying it.
Dicksucker whorebag. See?
Meanwhile...dicksucker whorebag. I CAN'T STOP!!!!!
Okay, Jes's parents -- who know for sure that SHE at least is not a dicksucker whorebag -- say that this is a dangerous place. Jes doesn't understand why there's gotta be all this fighting. Because it's funny for us. And for Jes's parents! She loves that they're so cool and chill and enjoying it all. Jim asks David if Heather got that side from him, and David just kind of tips his hat and says, "Yessir." That is awesome.
Lacey, being insane as usual, still wants to talk to Heather. Heather's strategy is not to let Lacey get a word in, because if she does she'll manipulate the situation to her own benefit. How many times in a row can you say dicksucker whorebag without taking a breath? Because that's how much time Heather's dealing with. Heather accuses Lacey of hurting her feelings as soon as her parents walked in the door, and says that they don't know who she is. Lacey -- and I don't know WHERE on EARTH she got THIS talking point -- says that her parents have known her for thirty years. Ha! "My dad's not naïve. He knows I'm a cocksucker. Go ahead, ask him." Heather says that when the show airs, Lacey's dad is going to die. For real. I think raising a jerk is MUCH worse than raising a whore. It disappoints Lacey that Heather thinks she's been betraying and playing her the whole time, because that's not true. Well, it wasn't true when they were ganging up to get other bitches kicked out, at least. Heather argues that Lacey threw her under the bus -- which is true -- after riding her coattails to the top. She says that if not for her, Lacey would have been out of there a long time ago. I don't necessarily know if that's true, but I'm so in love with Heather right now that I won't argue. Lacey starts to say something about how Heather is with her parents, but Heather is not having it. She says that this is about how she is with Bret, and that she is in love with that man. There's some more yelling, and Heather's plan not to let Lacey get a word in seems to be going quite well.
Oh, and then. Heather storms off, but has a little thought, and turns around. She says, and I quote, "Does your dad know that you're the only one who's done all the sexual shit with Bret? You've been sucking his dick every night since you've been here." Man. And seriously, compared to this, Sue Hawk's snake/rat speech is fucking amateur hour. Lacey is appalled at what's coming out of Heather's mouth. I am more appalled that Otis, in his peach mock turtleneck, is wearing the sockless loafers with shorts. Shudder. Lacey tries to denies Heather's claim, but Heather yells that she saw Lacey suck it. You know what "it" is at this point, right, you dicksucker whorebags? Otis jumps in at this point and calls Heather trashy. Heather says that she's done nothing sexual with Bret whatsoever, and ends with an emphatic "Your daughter's a slut." And really, I can see both sides of this particular argument. Still: Team Heather. Always and forever. Lacey -- who can only parrot what her dad says, apparently -- reiterates that Heather is trashy. Heather says that Lacey's the trashy one, with her pompous parents who don't know anything about her. Lacey interviews that Heather crossed the line when she attacked her family. I'm sorry, but she didn't cross the line when she called you a dicksucker whorebag in front of your dad? For me, that might have been the line. Heather is now dead to Lacey. You don't fuck with her family and get away with it. Bitch. And really, I'm sure one day Heather will eat crow when she applies for a job at the Vegas branch of Otis's Dicksucking Shoppe.
And then, Lacey and her parents walk outside. Karen is ready to go. Otis, however, thinks that maybe since Lacey's been sucking Bret's dick, he ought to talk to Bret about that. Oh, shit, man. I don't even have words anymore. Well, I have two, or maybe four, depending on how you look at it: dicksucker whorebag. Lacey can't believe that Heather would stoop so low, and her take on the situation is that her dad is mad, and wants to go talk to Bret and tell him what happened. A little revisionist, maybe, I would say. Otis goes up to Bret, who is once again banging away at the punching bag. He greets Bret with a "Sorry to bother you, big boy," like he's propositioning a navy officer on shore leave in 1942. And then he says, and I quote, "I just had somebody yell at me -- uh, Heather -- that I need to be concerned that my daughter is sucking your dick." I love that he approached Bret like he was an office manager who, like, ordered the wrong printer paper. Otis says that Lacey is thirty-one, and that her sex life is her sex life, but he's never had someone actually scream about what a dicksucker whorebag his daughter is right in front of him. Oh, I find that hard to believe. Bret agrees that it's wrong, but really is just wishing that someone would come down and save him. He wonders where Big John is when he needs him. And I mean, even Bret Michaels doesn't deserve this. Okay, yes he does.
Lacey tells Bret what happened, and Bret says that nobody knows who did what with whom. NOTICE that he's not denying that any cocksucking happened. I'm just saying. Lacey starts crying, and says that her parents are wonderful, loving kind people and don't deserve this. She can't put them through it anymore, and thinks that Bret needs to draw the line somewhere. Bret tells Lacey that the storm has been brewing between her and Heather. His forte is not solving the problems between hungry strippers and dicksucking whorebags, and he just wants to get out of there. It's like how George W. feels when he has to deal with Israel and Palestine.
Eliminations! Heather's nervous about the effects of her outburst. Nonetheless, she thinks that Lacey is a trifling bitch, and she wants her gone. Jes is feeling pretty secure, since one of the two crazy bitches has to go home. She particularly wants Lacey to go; Lacey's true colors have come out, and Jes thinks Bret's had it. Lacey, of course, thinks that Heather is going down. The girls have to stand with their parents at first. Otis is actually all red-faced and smiling in his aquamarine shirt. I think he's maybe seriously medicated. For his part, Bret is feeling a little lost, and says that he has two girls who are very comfortable with their families, and one who is not. He thanks the parents for coming, and then sends them on their way before the actual elimination happens. Lacey tells Otis and Karen that she'll call them later with the good news. Not so fast, Cocksucker Senior.
Anyhoo, there has been nothing wee about this cap so I need to get to it. Jes is, of course, called first. This leaves the frenemies in the bottom two. Though they both have positive qualities, Bret is basing his decision on his gut feelings about who is who they is and who ain't who they ain't. He's not making sense, but I can't give him a hard time for that -- the events of the past few days must have done damage equivalent to serious head trauma. Bret calls Lacey to him. She smiles, and Heather tears up. Before he shows her the pass, he says, he wants to tell her that though there's a side of Lacey that he loves, there's also a side that he still doesn't understand. He thinks that side would ruin their relationship. He's sorry, but her tour ends here. And ha! Suck it, Lacey. I mean, metaphorically this time. Bret says that he had a great physical connection to Lacey (COCKSUCKING!) and felt close emotionally as well. But in the end, it seemed like there was a lot of lying and deception going on. It's tough, but he has to let her go. She doesn't cry or really make a peep, though she tells us she's in shock. Lacey hopes that Bret eliminates both Jes and Heather and remains single, because they'd be horrible for him. She can't feel emotions, because she's in shock and disbelief. Heather comes to get her pass, and both she and Jes are psyched that the crazy bitch is gone. I am psyched that this whole episode, which was really beyond my wildest dreams, ever happened. With that, we have our final two! And they're going to Cabo!
Coming up: Dicksuckery and whorebagging. And a winner! Besides all of us, I mean, who are already clearly the greatest victors of all.