Previously: Heather and Lacey's plan to make Sam jealous worked, but their attempts to get her booted fell short when Bret sent Magdalena home. And everyone hated Lacey, per usual. Whenever I write "Lacey," it should just be understood that it means, "Lacey (Who is universally hated. By everyone. Except Heather. FOR NOW.)"
It is morning. Bret interviews that he notices some of the girls are stepping their game up, but some need a little help. One of these is Mia, who has been too busy whispering with ghosts to stand out of the crowd. Over the few days, Bret has some "serious work in the studio." Did they give him a job cleaning and stuff? Because that's totally nice. Don't ever say Don Was isn't charitable to the needy. While he's gone, though, Bret has big plans for the girls. Brandi tells Jes and Mia about her dream where Bret wanted to boot Lacey, but she kept hanging around and stalking him. Jes points out that this is actually reality. She interviews that Lacey is a malicious, manipulative bitch, and we are reminded of how she threw Jes into the pool. Lacey interviews maliciously, manipulatively, and bitchily, that the other girls had better watch out, because they have targets on their backs.
Bret Mail! "What's going on my sexy six! / Sorry I can't be there to love on you chicks / Better get ready because today anything goes / It's time to rock the camera and strike a pose." Sam tells us that she does a lot of modeling for her friends who are photographers. Or, "modeling" for her "friends" who are "photographers." She thinks she has what it takes to become America's Top Skanky-Looking Hair Metal Chick. The girls head to a studio that has clothes, a big old car, and props including PVC police hats and cages with furry rugs. This is exactly what you find when you answer one of those sketchy newspaper ads that say "Models wanted." I expect Tyra to burst in with a televised intervention.
Celebrity photographer Evo Lopez introduces himself as an old friend of Bret's. He tells the girls that today, they'll be shooting album covers. Lacey, who, in case you forgot, is the musician of the house, says she's got this because she knows album covers. And has, in fact, already posed for the cover of the classic Poison album Open Up and Say...Ahh! There are two teams: Jes, Lacey, and Sam; and Brandi, Heather, and Mia. For each team, one girl will be the creative director and two will be models. The creative director of the winning team will get a solo date with Bret, while the models will get a tandem date. Look at Evo Lopez, coining the term "tandem date." As with tandem skydiving, you're strapped on to something, I guess. The teams have one hour to prepare and one hour to shoot, and are charged with representing Bret and taking his brand to the level. The obvious theme? Jiz n' Wigs. You could go in a lot of creative directions with that, I think. Jes is the creative director for her team, and Mia, gunning for the solo date, volunteers to be the creative director for hers. Mia proposes a theme of "innocence," which Heather shoots down, saying they're doing a theme of "sexy." Well, that's original. And such a stretch for Heather! She picks out the skankiest-looking hot pink underwear set and stretches herself across the car like a low-rent Tawny Kitaen. And really, when did you ever think you'd read the words "low-rent Tawny Kitaen"? That's, like, beyond subsidized housing. Mia is frustrated.
Meanwhile, Lacey tries to dominate her team as well. There might be more to this as she is really gunning for a "dominance/submission" theme. She is sad that a friend's band already used the album title Sex Reflex, so they can't. Jes thinks that Lacey is a spewer of crackhead ideas. For real. Eventually this team settles on a "good verses evil" theme, with Lacey being perfect for the devilish part. We go back to the other team, where Heather is supposed to look sexy but, as Mia says, is maybe veering on the edge of drag queen. Girl, please. A self-respecting drag queen would have those linebacker shoulders surgically removed. Brandi suggests that one of them dress as a man. She volunteers, and says that she can be changing Heather's tire. And then we'll all want to sleep with her! The world really IS just like Bret says. Wait, nix that. We MIGHT want to sleep with her if she didn't look like a really skanky version of Joseph from a fifth-grade trailer-park nativity play. There is no doubt, however, that she knows how to rock a sock down her pants.
Mia and Heather try to hammer out an album title. Heather interviews that Mia is boring, and plus she's too weak to stop Heather anyway, so Heather's just going to bowl right over her. Lacey, Sam and Jes also try to figure out a title. Lacey suggests Angels and Devils, which Sam says is too clichéd. She tells Lacey to pretend she's a thesaurus right now. Lacey now thinks she's going to have to dress as a horse with wings. She proposes "goddess" as a synonym to "angel," and the others just look at her. Jes interviews that Lacey is definitely the weakest member on the team. Finally Jes proposes the title When Love Dances With The Devil. Nonsensical, super-queer, and vaguely lame. Nice job representing Bret, you guys! Lacey interviews that their theme and title are awesome, and everything was her idea.
It's time for the shoots! The Jes Team has a devilish Lacey in a sequined red bra and underwear hovering over an innocent pink-lingerie'd Sam on a bed. As soon as they got on set, Jes tells us, Lacey became her usual annoying know-it-all self and started running her mouth. In the words of Sam, "Shut the fuck up." Brandi takes a peek at the shoot and thinks it's lame and has been done before. Hmm, lame and has been done before. They've struck gold in terms of a natural level for Bret. Team Jes tries to decide on which picture they want to use, and narrows it to two. Jes really likes one, but Lacey strongly prefers the other. It involves her yanking on a strand of pearls around Sam's neck, which I'm sure she finds to be as poetic as the wind in her sails. She says she's making an executive decision to use that, and Evo quite awesomely tells her he doesn't know that she can do that. Lacey thinks that Jes is a terrible creative director, and Jes thinks that Lacey doesn't work well with other people. Sam says nothing, I guess because her meds are at their peak. Eventually, they go with the shot that Lacey likes. Evo tells Jes, "God bless you with that one," because anyone whose brain has not been damaged by the forceful rooting of hair plugs can see how much Lacey sucks.
It's time for Team Mia to shoot their cover. Brandi notes that Mia is trying, but has no chance since Heather is taking control. Heather sprawls face down on the car and spreads her legs. It's like Blind Melon's Bee Girl, fifteen years on. Brandi looks like a deranged Willie Nelson who is going to change Heather's tire and then chop her up for pot pies that will be sold to benefit Farm Aid. SEXY! Still in character, Brandi interviews that her balls itched, but it was all right. With only minutes left, Team Mia has to choose their cover, which, as you might expect, generates some drama. Heather likes all the ones with her legs spread open. I think that's because she feels most comfortable with the shots showing her natural, everyday pose. Eventually, they settle on one. Or rather Heather does, as Mia doesn't seem to say much.
Back at the house, Lacey and Heather bitch about how they should get the solo dates because they did everything for their teams. It is so hard to take anything they say seriously when there is a giant photo of Bret's head right behind them on Heather's bed. Little do they know the photo hears EVERYTHING! Lacey interviews that Jes did nothing, and she's going to fight for the solo date if they win. Outside, Jes tells Brandi and Mia that she doesn't get along with bitchy people, so did back down with Lacey. Brandi thinks that's a tactical error. In case you're keeping track, everyone still hates Lacey.
The girls receive their proofs at the house with notes from Evo. He tells Team Jes that they need to come up with a good presentation to make clear to Bret what their image meant. Lacey asks if she can do the presentation, which offends Jes as creative director. Plus, if she did the presentation, it would be all, "I'm a musician. These girls can't cross me. Each one has a target on her back. Who shall I pick off ?" because that's ALL SHE EVER SAYS. Lacey tells Jes that she should make sure to speak slowly when she's presenting their case. She is so rude. Sam, ever the deep thinker, starts to say that the album cover represents an artist working with his own internal struggles. Quit projecting, there, mental girl. Lacey talks right over her, and Sam has to ask if she can finish and bust out with a "fucking A." She tells us that Lacey makes every decision more difficult than it has to be. Particularly because in her mini-dress she forces everyone to look at her pasty, doughy legs, which leads to continuous distraction and nausea. It's hard to get things done in that sort of environment. Jes wants to shoot Lacey. If you want to clean dough splatters off of the wall, be my guest.
Team Mia reads their notes. Evo asks why Brandi is a man and if she's supposed to be Bret. He notes that Bret doesn't have grey hair and asks if they're trying to say he's old. An old man in a wig with a sock down his pants! The subconscious totally ruled their shoot! They now have to focus on pitching and selling this to Bret. Brandi interviews that it was her idea to dress as a man but she's not taking the fall. Mia was the creative director and should have told Brandi that she looked like shit. And really, that's kind of true. Brandi was probably too drunk to notice that she looked ridiculous. They work out the story of their photo, and Heather thinks that everything Mia says is stupid. She is glad, though, that, since she was the creative director, whatever happens is on Mia's shoulders.
Oh, and then there's another Lacey confrontation. Lacey tells the others that she doesn't want to make friends. She's there for Bret, and she's being strategic. Brandi asks if Bret would appreciate Lacey's thinking of the whole thing as a game. Lacey says that it just shows her devotion to Bret. Brandi interviews that Lacey is mean, manipulative, and the devil. Brandi tells Lacey that her heart is in this, and she doesn't think of it as a game. Lacey interviews again that she needs to get some bitches out of the way. Wah wah wah wah wah. I miss Rodeo more than ever. Heather joins the party and asks Lacey if she thinks her team had an equal distribution of labor. Lacey says that she thinks she did all the work, and Jes replies that she knew Lacey was going to say that. Jes says that Lacey is twisting things around, and adds that she talks down to people. Jes will never disrespect somebody to get what she wants, and says that when Lacey told her that she thought she should do the presentation, she wanted to tell Lacey to fuck off. Lacey's response? "That's cool." HA!
They argue, and eventually Lacey gets a devilish smile and says that if Jes was on The Apprentice, she would have been fired. Meanwhile, Lacey is eating corn on the cob. Shut up, Lacey. She interviews that she loves riling the other girls up, and they just don't get it. They still want to kill her. Since Sam missed the recent bit of drama, Jes tells her what happened. Sam thinks that Lacey talked all over everyone, but certainly wasn't responsible for all of the ideas on the shoot. She confronts Lacey, who says that Jes was a terrible creative director. Sam calls her a fucking idiot. To her face! Awesome.
Bret returns from his long day of waxing the studio floors to judge the presentations, along with Evo. Team Mia unveils their album, Broken Road. Bret is a bit taken aback and confused about the Willie Nelson with tits angle. Evo asks if they were trying to say that Bret's getting old. HA! You know Evo HATES Bret and couldn't wait to ask that question when he was in the room. They deny it and say the grey-haired guy isn't meant to be Bret. On the hot seat, Mia kind of hems and haws, and talks about the significance of the broken road. I would imagine it would lead to a flat spare tire, which Bret likely is familiar enough with if he professes to be such a fan of Heather's. Bret likes the colors of the album cover, and that's it. Oooh, burn. He wonders why hot-ass Heather and hot Brandi aren't straddling the hood of the car. Well, you can't say he's not a cliché-eschewing visionary! And really, all they had to do was have two skanky chicks looking like they're about to make out. When in doubt, stick with the classics. Bret tells Mia that, as creative director, she's the fall person. She looks pretty sad.
Team Jes unveils When Love Dances with the Devil. Wow, Sam has one tattoo that makes her look like she has an oblong gray nipple. It's all I can see. Jes explains that Sam metaphorically represents love, and the temptations that come along with every relationship. You know Lacey would have said "metaphysically." Shut up, Lacey. Bret loves it -- a little girl on girl, a little heaven and hell. What's not to enjoy? Evo asks what's original about it. Jes admits the whole thing is a bit clichéd, but points out the contrast of Lacey's "evilish" eyes versus Sam's dreamy eyes. Bret tells the girls that when you get to the Bible Belt, you might never see this album cover. Is he saying that the Bible Belt has better taste than the coasts? Is this a subliminal message about voting for Mike Huckabee? Does Bret really think that Tipper Gore is still out there waiting to get him? Perhaps that turns him on, because he chooses Team Jes for the win. He interviews that at the end of the day, he was willing to take no record sales in favor of the record cover that was hot and sexy. It's an improvement over all of his other solo albums, which had no record sales and a cover that was Bret wearing a wig.
Lacey interviews that it's not fair that Jes gets the solo date and, because she's a puss, wages her campaign to Bret privately rather than at the presentations where the rest of earth's citizens could provide a rebuttal. Lacey basically says that she did everything, and Bret interviews that Lacey knows how to fight for her man. With her biggest crazy eyes ever, Lacey promises to Bret that she's not really crazy. Or, there's 10% of her that's not crazy. He is wearing his shoulder-length flat-ironed weave, which does not seem to provide him with any additional wisdom. When Lacey comes out of the B.A.M.B. room, Jes confronts her on talking trash to Bret. Lacey blubberingly denies it. Jes thinks that it's important for Bret to see how people interact with Lacey, and Lacey replies that it's not important what Jes thinks. Jes actually sticks out her tongue at Lacey. This is the level of discourse that Lacey has wrought.
Jes decides to make a visit to Bret herself. Bret hears the knock on the door, and is digging the passion that he's getting from the girls. Yeah, but none of it is actually directed at him! Well, no matter. Jes tells Bret that Lacey is an evil cow who has said disrespectful things about Bret. Bret knows that Jes is wondering why he's keeping Lacey. Bret's response? "There's just something about her." Is he a doughy armpit fetishist? I mean, probably. And why is his face so shiny? Jes wishes that Bret could see how crazy Lacey is with the other girls when he's not around. Bret tells Jes to dress warm and sexy for their date, and bids her adieu.
It's time for Bret's date with Sam and Lacey. Lacey is wearing a fucking dickie with a cropped sweater over it. It's the fashion equivalent of her soul. There is a Bentley waiting for them, and Sam wins rock-paper-scissors to get shotgun. The real victory would have been if she whipped out actual scissors and plunged them into Lacey's windpipe. Back at home, there's a bit of a nefarious ass-saving alliance forming between Brandi and Heather. Who is topless. I'm sure you're surprised. They're pissed about losing the challenge, and want to show Bret how strong and interested they are, so decide to take sexy pictures of themselves to give to him. Back in dateland, Bret takes Sam and Lacey to a place called Neptune's Net, which looks like a clam shack or something, for food, a talk, and some brewskis. Bret asks if they thought that Jes contributed a lot to the shoot. He is for sure a catty bitch himself, always trying to stir up shit. Sam thinks that Jes did a good job. Lacey...well, you know what she thinks. Bret interviews that Lacey is always throwing the other girls under the bus, and it's starting to worry him. When it's not a turn on, that is.
When Lacey takes a break to go for an innocent piss, Sam jumps right in and tells Bret how awful and fake and manipulative she is. Sam interviews that she wants to believe that Bret sees through Lacey, but something tells her that he's trying to understand Lacey. Indeed, he tries to understand her each night, as she makes her oral case repeatedly. Sam asks if Bret can trust Lacey. When she makes him look her in the eye, he says no. She asks what he's doing. Bret doesn't know. Ooh, big surprise there.
Bret tells us that his date with Sam and Lacey was informative, but not sexy. However, he's got something special planned for his solo date with Jes. They hop on his motorcycle and hit the coast. Jes loves it. Meanwhile, back at home, Heather is in curlers preparing for the girls' sexy shoot. Sexy like Marla Gibbs on the stoop! You work it, ho. She and Brandi tell Mia what they're doing, but don't invite her to partake. Mia offers to take the photos, and they decline. Back on the solo date, Jes enjoys the feeling of the wind in her hair. It's probably a big improvement from just looking like the wind sexually molested her hair. Ironically, after the ride, her hair is totally flat. She and Bret park at a private cove on the beach and head to some prearranged chairs. Bret seems to be in possession of his actual hair, since nothing makes a date go south faster than having your wig blown off at 70 miles per hour. Lacey and Sam return to the house, where they see Brandi and Heather taking "semi-pornographic" shots of each other. Lacey interviews that she guesses that's what happens when you leave two strippers alone together. That and poleburn. You know Lacey is going to get the better of them by taking sexy photos of herself in only a dickie. Devilishly hot! Heather and Brandi tape their Polaroids to the door of the B.A.M.B. room so Bret can't miss them.
Meanwhile, Bret gushes to Jes about the connection that he feels with her. She says she didn't doubt that Bret would get to know the real her, and adds that she's confident in who she is. Bret thinks that's a turn-on. They smooch so intensely that Bret has to put down his bottle of Corona. Jes interviews that the date got better and better, and it's clear that she's falling for him. At this point, I started to worry about her and scream, "WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?" at my television. Bret romantically says to Jes, "The biggest frickin' dolphin is going to come out of the water right there." And then it does! He's not only hairvoyant, but clairvoyant. The romance and face-sucking is interrupted when Bret has a thought. It's like a special event, you know, and has to be celebrated when it happens. They head home, knowing that elimination is looming.
When they get back to the R.O.L. house, Bret finds the Polaroids of Brandi and Heather. His response? Well, first he scratches his balls, and then he exclaims, "Ooh la la, wassagoinon?!?" It sounds so much classier when you add a little French introduction. In any case, the biggest frickin' dolphin is about to come out of the water in his pants. He says that the photos are HOT, and wonders why they didn't put those on the album cover. Oh, I'm sure that Lacey and her devil eyes wouldn't sell in the Bible Belt, but Brandi squeezing her boobs would just fly off the shelves. In any case, Bret thinks that Mia failed him. Note that Heather isn't waxing poetic about how she did everything on the shoot now. Mia approaches and asks for five minutes with Bret. He gives her four, and wonders why she waited until now to try to fellate him. He suspects it might be more out of desperation than love, and gives her the brush-off, telling her that he wants to have dinner with everyone. Mia is hurt that Bret didn't care that she tried to make an ass out of herself. Too little, too late! She might have tried checking her dignity at the door with the rest of the hos.
At dinner, Bret toasts to one of the best, awesomest groups -- the sexy six. Lacey starts in on the animal-rights stuff. Brandi can't take it anymore, and gets up and leaves. Lacey thinks this is an attention-getting tactic. If so, it works, as Bret goes to see her. She tells him she can't stand Lacey and can't live with her any longer. All the bitching is making her mentally and physically ill. Bret finally realizes that everyone in the house, with the possible exception of Heather, hates Lacey. And he, always quick on the uptake, is starting to see some of the suckage himself. Brandi tells Bret that she's afraid she's going to attack Lacey, and can't be responsible for her actions when she's in a rage. To which I say, DO IT. Bret tells Brandi that he likes her, and asks her to hang tight for the night. He wonders if Lacey is truly crazy, as opposed to just crazy for him. He returns to the dinner table. Big John enters to announce that it's elimination time, and that there will be no one on one chats tonight. Mia's pissed that not even her shirt that looks like broken rib bandages got her an in with Bret. You can't blame him, really. Mia is pretty dull.
Elimination! Everyone hopes that Lacey is going home. Except for Heather, who is too focused on her formidable blush to notice. Do you think she blushes her entire body? Or, rather, rouges? Bret calls Jes first. HA! Suck it, Lacey. Heather, who I think actually is wearing one of Bret's weaves as part of the giant pouf on her head, is called . She is wearing yet another dress that is part of the prom collection at Rave. Sam is called , and also agrees to continue to rock Bret's world. They've apparently gotten through their rough patch, at least for a half-hour or so. Finally, Brandi is called. This, of course, leaves Lacey and Mia in the final two. Bret says that he knows Lacey is crazy according to what the other girls say. He feels a connection to Mia, but is trying to decide if it's too little, too late. He calls Lacey to him. Brandi is mad that Lacey gets to stay, and wonders if what she did to Bret in his bedroom has anything to do with it.
And then...HA! Bret says, "You are crazy, and as we had a talk about our mediocrisy [sic] today, and how much I despise mediocrisy [again, SIC!!!], because I don't really relate to it. And being creative artists, we both understand that." Okay, let's just take this on its own for a minute. If you can get past "mediocrisy," you'll see that a topless irony is swinging gleefully on the pole. I mean, "I grab my hat and I grab my shoes / Tonight I'm gonna hit the streets and cruise." It's this standard of quality, in areas as divergent as lyricism and '80s bang pouf, that have made Bret the highly acclaimed and respected artist he is today. You just can't phone that shit in.
Anyway, in his heart, Bret feels like he has a connection to Lacey, and the fact that she's crazy for him lets him know where she stands. Or kneels. Mia's gone. She's super-sad, especially since bitches like Lacey and Heather got to stay. Whom would you rather take home to your family, she asks? Lacey or Mia? Heather or Mia? Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to rock the shit out of this wussy melodramatic crying scene in The Rock of Love Story. To wit, "Go ahead. IF that's what you want, then go." Really, she is just not right for Bret. I mean, she should take that as a compliment. But still. Bret interviews that Lacey might be crazy, but he digs her and she fights for her man. And, the producers told him to keep her. I mean, right? If she were pretty, it would be one thing, but it's obvious they're just keeping her around for the drama. The blow jobs are like a bonus freebie. Lacey feels victorious, and says that the other girls better watch out. Yeah, yeah, we know.
week: Superfans. And the tattoo that rocked America. In the meantime it's...
Bret's half-hearted boner countdown. He did scratch his balls when he saw the pictures of Heather and Brandi, but I'm not sure that there was actually any boner to speak of. There really isn't here, either, but I'm getting desperate. This one is just kind of gross. Maybe we need to wage a write-in campaign to revive Bret's boner?
14. "I was having an awesome time with Jes. We got there on the beach. It was beautiful, it was sunset, it was romantic. We got to suck face, which is always a good thing."