By Potes
Previously: Pole dancing, cat fighting, et cetera. This show is nothing if not consistent.
It is morning, or perhaps early afternoon. Our heroines sleep peacefully. Until, that is, Big John bursts into their room -- well, "bursts" might be a little strong. "Lumbers" is more accurate. Big John lumbers into their room and says this is rock n' roll, not rock n' sleep, so they should get up. You could use that catchphrase for anything. "This is rock n' roll, not rock n' stand there like you just snapped into a Slim Jim." Or, "This is rock n' roll, not rock n' refill your Valtrax prescription." Brandi wants to punch Big John in the balls. I kind of do, too, just to see if they squeak like a dog toy. Bret tells us that these girls need to step up and give him their A-game. So far he likes Jes, Heather and Lacey, but hasn't seen much from girls like Magdalena and Mia. He wonders if they will ever let their guards down and let him see who they truly are. They will as soon as you take off your bandana-front weave, Telly Savalas. Big John delivers Bret Mail: "From New York to L.A. I've rocked and I've rolled / But a cross country tour can sure take its toll / Today one lucky lady will show her road skills / but the other five honeys will end up roadkill." Chickenman, chickenman, chickenman hold my hand.
The girls head to meet Bret, who is wearing his favorite flame encrusted American-themed cowboy hat with blue tie-dye bandana/flat ironed weave underneath, and what appears to be a puka shell necklace. Turns out it's his special birthday outfit! Heather is of course the first one to yell out, "Happy birthday, Bret." You know that the whole way over she was like, "Tell him happy birthday first and he'll love you, tell him happy birthday first and he'll love you." In her head, of course. Except her lips were probably moving. Bret tells us that later there will be partying, but first there is a challenge. He's looking for a woman who can handle life on the road with him and all the insanity that comes with it. In each "city," all of which are set up in one big parking lot, two girls will compete head to head in a rock tour related challenge. The winner of the challenge will jump back on the bus, while the loser gets left behind. The ultimate winner will get a killer date. Hopefully with a cameo appearance by Jason Voorhees. Bret interviews that for the last 22 years he's spent six to nine months out of the year on a tour bus. Oh yeah. He's seen a million faces and he's rocked them all. If Rodeo were here, she'd start crying and emotionally state, "It's my dream...to be the steel horse he's riding." In any case, Bret wants a girl who can hang.