Previously: Silicone. Catfighting. Pole-dancing. A possible foursome. And the elimination of Brandi C. and one of the greatest reality-show contestants of all time, Rodeo. She will be missed.
So, it pains me to admit this, but there is one photo in the opening credits where Bret looks totally hot. His face is partly obscured by a cowboy hat, which might be part of it. My New Year's resolution is to make that stop happening, or gouge out my own eyes.
We enter on the night of last week's elimination. Bret, hung over and possibly (probably) having a crab flare-up, excuses himself to get some rest. The girls do their thing, which is drinking. Brandi M. is feeling relieved after elimination, so she starts sucking down the booze to the point where she slobbers champagne down her chin. And I mean, it's bubbly! Sometimes it just squirts right out of there. It starts in your toes and flows out of your nose till your nostrils glow just like Ross Perot's. Drunken Brandi M. is apparently getting on everyone's last nerve. She asks Erin how she feels, since she wanted to go home. What is this news? How had we not heard about this before? Intriguing. Brandi admits that she was a big drunk sloppy mess. However, she doesn't seem threatened by a good time. The morning, Brandi is hung over and pukey-feeling. However, she's not as pukey-looking as Lacey, who says that she hasn't been able to win any challenges and get alone time with Bret, which makes her nervous. She's going to have to try another strategy. I'm sure it involves being a total asshole, which will be a nice change of pace.
The girls go downstairs and find some athletic gear on the pool table along with Bret Mail. "You know a good cheerleader can turn me on / But I really like a girl who knows how to go long / So suit up ladies because it's almost game time / and as usual a date with your man is on the line / There's only one more thing / Although it brings me great sorrow / I'll be saying goodbye to one more of you tomorrow." Heather is psyched, because she loves football. Jes, meanwhile, is ready to win a challenge and finally get a date with Bret.
The girls are divided into two teams. The Sweethearts are Brandi, Jes, Magdalena and Mia. The Fallen Angels are Heather, Lacey, Erin and Sam. You know it took every ounce of strength that Bret has in him not to name the teams The Roses and The Thorns. Brandi thinks her team, with the exception of Magdalena, will rock. What's she talking about? This is the time when Magdalena's testicles will come to great advantage. Heather is not so excited to be on a team with Boobs McGee and Sorrowful Sam. The girls suit up, and it will not surprise you that their outfits make fine use of kneesocks. Brandi, who I think is actually still drunk because she's slurring, says that hangover or no, she's going to kick some butt.
The girls drive to a really muddy field where they find that they'll be taking part in Bret's Mudbowl. Thank God that isn't just a euphemism. Bret, to his credit, is wearing a Steelers hat. I must now admit that Bret is totally from my 'hood. And was actually my babysitter. And my mom is Tiffany. But seriously, he could be my distant cousin or something. I do have relatives with mullets, so nothing is out of the question. That's the thorn on the rose of my life, for sure. Jes is excited to have an athletic challenge, which she thinks she'll dominate. Sam is not so excited about the mud. Bret tells the girls that they'll be playing actual tackle football. Brandi M. sees her potential to puke on her competition as an advantage. The winning team gets to go on an awesome date, but the MVP gets to go on a very special solo date with Bret. Big John is a ref, and former college All-American Rodney Scott will provide coaching services. Bret is playing quarterback for both teams. Jes and Heather are both ready to fuck some bitches up. Lacey, who looks particularly undead amidst the mud and the sunlight, says her team will win for sure. Erin agrees and is ready to kick ass, as long as her face doesn't get fucked up. Uh, no comment.
Bret throws the ball, and there is mayhem. Magdalena gets the ball first and has no idea what to do with it, being European and all. Brandi is a total hung over and possibly still drunk mess. Bret says that these are not the kind of football players he's used to playing with, and that all the girls had a look on their face like, "Whatisagoinon?" I believe this is the first time we've heard the more formal usage of Bret's favorite word, "Wassagoinon." It's like vous / tu, I guess. In the midst of some confusion, Jes ends up scoring a touchdown for the Sweethearts. Bret thinks it's one of the sexiest moments in football ever. In a sport full of hairy 300-pound guys with broken faces, I have to agree. Lacey interviews that she wants that date, and if she has to break a girl's wrist or knock out some teeth, she's gonna do it. We see her come running a few feet to drag down Mia, who's carrying the ball. She's super-uncoordinated and awkward-looking, but brutish enough to get the job done.
Jes tells us that if Lacey has the ball, Jes is going to waste no time in laying her ass out. She does, and as Lacey goes down, we hear a crunch. I mean, that's a sound effect, but it indicates to us that something is awry. Lacey rolls around in the mud and whines about her ankle, while Bret calls for the medic. You know Lacey totally has cankles, too. Sam is gleeful, then briefly remembers that Lacey is on her team, and then is gleeful again as she tosses off a "fuck her." I love that Lacey is so hated that actual injury provides joy to her fellow contestants. And me. What? Jes interviews that Lacey got what she deserved after throwing Jes into the pool. I actually think she won't get what she deserves until the words "reconstructive surgery" or "mauled by a tiger" are involved. Lacey gets iced on the sidelines and will have to sit out the rest of the game. Consequently, the Sweethearts will have to choose one team member to sit out. Everyone pretty much agrees that it should be drunkarooski Brandi. She understands, but is bummed that she has no shot at the MVP award and solo date.
There are more muddy shenanigans, and Jes, who nicely blocks a pass to Sam, catches Bret's attention. He says she can run, catch, sprint, and what's more, the savage beast is coming out. She scores a touchdown, which brings the Sweetheart's score to...two. Well, I guess it's not a regulation game. Plus, the double digits might confuse some of the girls. Heather is frustrated because her team sucks. She wonders if she's going to have to carry the whole team. And then she just rams her way through the other girls to score. And what does Bret think of Heather's bullish ways? A turn-on, of course. Down 2-1, Heather is on a mission to kill all of the Sweethearts. Jes says she's like a Mack truck. Jes gets knocked in the face a little and spits out some blood, but declines a break. And then, it's the play of the game. Heather takes a short pass from Bret and runs her way through the opposition. Jes manages to get a hold of her pants, which totally rip and fall down. Ever the pro, and certainly not afraid of a little nudity, Heather keeps going. Miraculously, she is wearing underwear. She falls on the ball in the end zone, which brings the score to 2-2. Bret notes that Heather can't keep her clothes on in anything they do, and before long she was crawling around butt-naked in the mud. Soon she'll be swinging around the goal post in celebration.
With a few seconds to go, it's basically Jes versus Heather. Heather, in her underwear, is on fire right now. Jes is equally determined to win the date. Bret passes the ball. Heather is covering Jes, but loses her footing in the mud. If only she had had the extra weight that pants provide, it might not have been so. Jes catches the ball, makes the touchdown, and that's the game. Yay, Jes! The Fallen Angels are DENIED! Heather is pissed and interviews something that is incomprehensible, due to beeps, though you do make out at least one "stupid bitches" and several fucks, so you get the idea. Jes is giddy with victory. Bret gives the Sweethearts the first annual Bret's Mudbowl trophy, and gives Jes, the obvious MVP, a varsity jacket and a kiss. Bret says that Jes is very young and very beautiful, but he has no solid connection to her. He's looking forward to the date. Lacey is disappointed and feels that between this and the motorbikes, she can't win. Well, it's good to see her finally getting an inkling of the fact that she sucks.
When the girls get home, they're a bunch of broken bitches. Sore and exhausted, and not in the usual places, they look pretty ragged. Lacey and Heather sit by the pool, and Lacey notes that she can be very vindictive when she wants to be. NO?!?!?!? If she can't win the challenges, she interviews, she might as well spend her time trying to knock some bitches out of there. Jes, meanwhile, gets ready for her solo date. She tells us that she's really frazzled, which never happens to her. Jes wears a nice black halter dress and has her hair straight down, which clues us in that it's going to be a very elegant evening, and that an acoustic version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" will likely be played. Jes tells us that, though she's only twenty-three, her walls are pretty high because every guy she's dated has cheated on her. She clearly has loser taste in men, which is probably why she's kind of into Bret. She wants to show Bret that, although she keeps him at arm's length, if he gives her enough time, she'll let her guard down. Big John is going to be Jes's escort to the date. Jes wonders where the hell Bret is. Probably banging Heather.
Meanwhile, Erin is on the phone with Josh, her manager at "Underground." Josh tells Erin that tomorrow night, Justin Timberlake is going to be there. The funny thing is that Josh is like, "That Sexy/Back guy," like he doesn't even know who J.T. is. Dudes are always like, "What, is that the homo from The Backstreet Boys or something?" like they totally never made up a dance to "Cry Me a River" in their bedrooms. But I'm onto them. Lacey tells us that Erin would have served him, so is very upset. I bet Erin got her special friends redone just for these sorts of occasions. Lacey overhears the whole thing and goes in to tell Heather. She says, "Like she'd rather be hanging out with Justin Timberlake than with Bret. Like, oh my God!" Yeah, what dumb-ass would want to hang out with someone who's young and cute and a gazillionaire and can sing and is still totally musically relevant. NOT ME, THAT'S FOR SURE! Heather is sitting herself down and writing Bret a letter "exposing" the other girls, which she's sure will go over well. She interviews, "Get the hell out of here and go hang out with Justin Timberlake, you starfucker." And I mean, that's actually like the pot calling the pot a pot. Lacey tells Heather that they took out Dallas, and now it's time to get Erin out of there. Lacey interviews that they're going to get as much dirt on her as they can and present it to Bret, like he's freaking Judge Ito, and then he'll send Erin home.
Meanwhile, Jes is taken to a music and drinking establishment called "The Joint." It's written in a weird cursive font, so upon first glance it looked like "The Gout," which may be more appropriate. Jes says that she was still on the fence and trying to read Bret, so didn't know if she should let her guard down or not. She enters and sits at a table for two. Onstage, there is a gorgeous Gibson acoustic guitar. Bret, who looks like he just crawled out of a dumpster, like, wear a tie for your big date, you joker, enters and says he wrote a beautiful song that he wants to play for Jes. He pretty much sucks at dating, he says, but what he does know how to do is music. Uh, can that be taken to a vote? In any case, Bret wants to play his beautiful song for her. I love that he's all like, "I wrote a beautiful song." I guess that sounds better than, "I wrote another crapfest with the same chord structure as 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn.' Plus, I don't really understand this highfalutin' concept called 'rhyming.' Wanna bone?" It's called, "All I Ever Needed."
And, let's digress for a moment, I could not focus on anything because I was trying so hard to listen to the song, which eventually gets talked all over, so I looked it up. Okay, one. I love that there's an Emergency Broadcast System warning before it. Two. Try singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" along with this up to the beginning of the chorus. Yeah. I mean, not that I wouldn't want to try to recreate that pinnacle of my career over and over, too. Three. Is he seriously wearing a cowboy hat with a cross on it? Four. Nice moustache. Five. "Stone" and "old" don't actually rhyme. Six. This user comment pretty much sums it up: "Fuck his girly pussy bret you fucking suck ecxept for welcome to the jungle." Seven. After watching this multiple times, I found myself inadvertently belting out the harmony part. I am so ashamed!!!!!
Okay, anyway. So Bret plays some of the song for Jes, who seems impressed, then sits with her. He wants to try to get to know her and have the walls come down. He talks about his youth and the early days of Poison, when they pulled out of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania in an old rickety van. He tells her that rock n' roll has killed most of his relationships, and so he's built a guard around his heart. And wrote "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," God WE KNOW! Jes tells Bret that she can't say she's ever been in love, and adds that her last boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend. Oooh, bad taste in men AND friends. That's rough. Overall, though, she's feeling comfortable with Bret and is ready to let her guard down. From that point on, the date is awesome. They talk, they laugh, the song keeps playing, and Bret plants a big kiss on her. Jes says that they had both an emotional and physical connection, and really clicked. And no one had to get drunk or get a tattoo or have a foursome or anything! Ah, love.
The morning, Bret yells for Heather. Turns out he got her letter, which told him all the dirt on all the girls, and it pissed him off. Heather wonders how the hell she's in trouble when she was just trying to protect Bret. Bret tells Heather that he thinks she's here for him, and doesn't think she's lying to him. So it turns out that she's not in trouble at all! Rather, Bret is all pissed off about Erin. He still thinks she's a boyfriend, and notes that every time he turns around, she's jawing about some celebrity or other who's coming into her restaurant. He also can't believe that Erin would be so upset about not getting to meet Justin Timberlake when she has access to the legendary Bret Michaels! Of Poison! The band that performed, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Bret says that he's just Johnny Bravo to Erin. The mind games of the house are getting to him, and he's furious that half of the girls there are testing him. Tonight at elimination, it's on. Heather's feeling golden.
Bret Mail! "Good morning my tough-ass players / Magdalena, Bebe, and Mia / You each made my day with your pigskin playing skills / I hope you're prepared to go in for the kill / Go get dressed, dolled up and cute / I'll meet you soon and then we can shoot." The girls are psyched to go to the shooting range. Back at home, meanwhile, Lacey and Heather make the most transparent attempt to get dirt on Erin. As the three of them sit by the pool, Lacey says she'd love to meet a nice doctor or lawyer, but has never been attracted to straight-edge, preppy jocks. Erin replies that that's what she's into, usually. Oh, what a dumb-ass. Heather and Lacey both say, "Wassagoinon," which is code for "Victory!"
With Erin weighing heavily on his mind, Bret talks about his concerns to his dates in the limo. He's still totally fixated on the Justin Timberlake thing. Methinks Sam the Eagle fears the ladies will flock to a new young bird with a full crest of head feathers. Bret interviews angrily that he was going to be a notch on Erin's bedpost. He's so mad because HE'S the notcher. He didn't realize this sooner because Erin hypnotized him with her clown boobs. If you look closely, they have constantly rotating spirals on them. They're so big because of all the electronics. The other girls seem to be in agreement that Erin's kind of a starfucker, and Brandi thinks Erin should be nervous. The girls and Bret go to the Oaktree Gun Club, where Bret wants them to unleash the beast. It's totally not nice to talk about Lacey like that when she's not there.
They get a safety lesson, then Bret shows off by shooting some whiskey bottles and apples. Sexy! He says that going to the range to shoot is an awesome, euphoric experience for him, and he wants a girl who's cool with that. Mia tries out the shooting first and I think nips the ear of some poor dude in the town over. Brandi is determined to hit a bottle of orange soda. She says after all the drama with the skanks in the house, shooting the gun was like a soothing balm to the soul. Magdalena is excited, but also kind of nervous that she might accidentally kill someone. And then she's like a freaking sharpshooter and takes out every target. Mia thinks maybe she's a Polish spy or something. Bret tells Magdalena that they've discovered her talent. Well, that and tucking. She promises never to shoot him. Awww, so sweet!
After shooting, Bret takes the girls to the lodge for lunch. The décor is dead animal, which really makes me wish that Lacey had gotten the date. Bret asks the girls if he can trust Heather and if her letter is accurate. First of all, no one can believe that Heather wrote a fucking letter. And probably folded it into a little four-flapped square that spelled out "M.A.S.H." Brandi tells Bret that Heather can't be trusted, given her age and lifestyle. She doesn't mean Heather's profession per se, but rather her constant partying. We get a montage of Heather on the pole and grinding other girls. Heather has apparently told Bret she's more of a quiet person. A quiet person who enjoys long walks on the beach, reading books, and foursomes. I mean, come on, dumb-ass. In any case, the seed of doubt has been planted in Bret's mind. Not the most fertile area for growth, but still. He asks the others if Heather is money hungry, and specifically if she fucks people for money. Brandi tells him that she knows Heather was on The Surreal Life trying to fuck Vanilla Ice, and Brandi believes she succeeded. And seriously? I don't know. Fuck Janice Dickinson. Fuck Gary Coleman. Fuck Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier. But Vanilla Ice? That's just gross, man. Bret does not want to stop, collaborate, and listen, and neither does he want Vanilla Ice's sloppy seconds. He states, "I, Bret Michaels, will not be played," and vows to take care of some business when they get back to the house.
Speaking of the house, Heather and Lacey are talking shit about Erin in the hot tub. It's a lot of the same junk about how she doesn't care about Bret, doesn't really want to be there, etc. Erin then totally comes walking out to the hot tub area and Lacey and Heather are all, "Um, uh, um, what's the word?" Nice recovery, bitches. It's unclear whether she overheard them or not, but either way, she interviews that she doesn't trust Heather and thinks she's always trying to set her up.
When the others get back from the date, Brandi M. says she has to find out what Heather wrote in that letter, because she doesn't trust the bitch at all. They call Heather out and ask what the letter said. Heather interviews that she doesn't know if Brandi already knows what she said in the letter, or if she's trying to find out what the letter said. Well, she just asked, "What did you say?" That's called a context clue. Heather kind of stalls and says she told Bret that she was sorry he's sick, and embarrassed that her shirt's been off so much. Jes does not buy it, and knows she's talking shit about everybody. Meanwhile, Bret is in his room strumming his guitar and singing, "All I Ever Needed," which just cracked my shit up so hard I can't even explain.
Fucking Lacey then knocks on his door, and tells us that she both wanted to have her buddy Heather's back, and to tell Bret her concerns about Erin. It's the same old shit, plus Erin's confession at the pool that she likes preppy jocks. Oh, leading the witness!! I would totally dismiss that evidence. Bret in turn tells Lacey some of his concerns about Heather, particularly the part where she wanted to bang Vanilla Ice for the world to see. Lacey interviews, "Heather and I are an alliance together, but, you know, I'm not going to try to convince Bret that he should trust Heather or that he shouldn't be concerned about her." Bret tells Lacey that he's not sure Heather should be the one to cast the first stone, in a letter written in third-grade cursive, no less. Lacey interviews that if Bret trusts her more than Heather, that's only good news for her.
Meanwhile, Brandi decides to tell Erin that Heather wrote shit about her in a letter. Why get her own hands dirty, she asks, when she can just point to Heather? Erin is surprised to hear about the letter and pissed that Heather is trying to set her up again. Brandi tells Erin to confront Heather, and hopes that perhaps Erin will piss off Heather so much that both bitches will be gone. I do enjoy her spunk. Erin confronts Heather in the phone booth about telling Bret about the Justin Timberlake issue. Erin thinks it's ridiculous that Heather thinks she wants to actually date Justin Timberlake. They bicker, and Heather says that Erin doesn't want to be there -- she's always going on about football players and stuff, and it's never about Bret. She's just not into him. Erin thinks that Heather is insecure and threatened by her. Heather thinks Erin should just go home. Brandi M. thinks she's a fucking genius.
Oh, and then Erin decides she should go talk to Bret. I can't believe this poor man signed on for a second season. Of course, Bret is in there with Lacey. He tells Erin he's in a really foul mood, and if she has a problem with someone else, she needs to take it up directly with them. Oooh! He's like a middle manager now. Erin says she was just going to come by and say hello, but then found out about all the drama. Bret is sick about hearing about Erin and Heather's starfucking, and tells us that at this point he's about to eliminate both of them.
Elimination! Heather, in a seafoam dress and 1986 junior prom hair, wants Erin to go home because she's a poser. Erin says that Heather is going to be sixty-give years old, married to a 300-pound man, and living in a trailer park with five kids. And that's IF she wins the show! Erin notes that Heather is, after all, still a stripper at thirty-two. Quite frankly, it would be easier to take Erin seriously if she didn't have circus tits. Incidentally, "circus tits" is the new "sugar tits," and I relish the opportunity to work it into everyday conversation. Jes actually agrees that she doesn't think Erin is there for legit reasons, though she thinks Heather is a bigger competitor. Lacey feels like the puppetmaster, and is ready to concoct her plan for the victim.
Bret emerges, and tells the girls he's in a mood to just get down to it. He calls Jes first. She's wearing the halter dress again and looks totally adorable. Mia is , though Bret hasn't spent much time with her. She agrees to stay and continue to rock his world. Brandi M. is , followed by Lacey, Magdalena, and Sam. This of course leaves Heather and Erin. Heather is freaking out that she's paired in the bottom two with a lying asshole. Erin says she usually doesn't go down without a fight, but she's not going to lower herself to a stripper whore level, either. You know, being so immersed in this show has totally affected my personal lexicon, because the other night I was at a party and a friend was telling me about how her husband was hanging out with some girl named Tia, and my first reaction was, "What kind of a fucking whore name is that?" (Apologies to all the Tias out there -- it's a perfectly lovely name, if perhaps a bit whorishly evocative.)
In any case, Bret, as we know, has certain mistrust issues. He doesn't want to judge anyone on what's been said to him, but he has an issue to address with Heather. He thinks that she does have his back, but there are "certain things" which make it difficult for him to accept everything she says completely into his soul. Certain things = Li'l Mr. Peter Van Winkle. But Bret goes with his gut and gives Erin the boot. Heather is relieved to get a pass, and agrees to continue to rock Bret's world. He interviews that if Heather is lying to him, he'll find out. Erin interviews that if Bret really wants a sixty-year-old stripper, she's over it, and she has plenty of men waiting for her back in Chicago. And Tiffany, too! Erin continues that she's sick of all the bullshit and then seals the deal with, "And really, I have had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels." And to think anyone would break off an engagement to such a prize! Sayonara, Circus Tits!
week: Bret's birthday! This means EVERYONE is on the pole. And sadly, Bret's boner comment countdown is pretty paltry this week. I don't know if this even counts, but I'm desperate. Let's hope he gets a little of the lechery back in future episodes.
Bret's boner comment countdown, such as it is.
12. "Heather hits like a bull. I mean, knock down and dirty tackle football. It's quite a turn-on."