Previously: Pole dancing, cat fighting, et cetera. This show is nothing if not consistent.
It is morning, or perhaps early afternoon. Our heroines sleep peacefully. Until, that is, Big John bursts into their room -- well, "bursts" might be a little strong. "Lumbers" is more accurate. Big John lumbers into their room and says this is rock n' roll, not rock n' sleep, so they should get up. You could use that catchphrase for anything. "This is rock n' roll, not rock n' stand there like you just snapped into a Slim Jim." Or, "This is rock n' roll, not rock n' refill your Valtrax prescription." Brandi wants to punch Big John in the balls. I kind of do, too, just to see if they squeak like a dog toy. Bret tells us that these girls need to step up and give him their A-game. So far he likes Jes, Heather and Lacey, but hasn't seen much from girls like Magdalena and Mia. He wonders if they will ever let their guards down and let him see who they truly are. They will as soon as you take off your bandana-front weave, Telly Savalas. Big John delivers Bret Mail: "From New York to L.A. I've rocked and I've rolled / But a cross country tour can sure take its toll / Today one lucky lady will show her road skills / but the other five honeys will end up roadkill." Chickenman, chickenman, chickenman hold my hand.
The girls head to meet Bret, who is wearing his favorite flame encrusted American-themed cowboy hat with blue tie-dye bandana/flat ironed weave underneath, and what appears to be a puka shell necklace. Turns out it's his special birthday outfit! Heather is of course the first one to yell out, "Happy birthday, Bret." You know that the whole way over she was like, "Tell him happy birthday first and he'll love you, tell him happy birthday first and he'll love you." In her head, of course. Except her lips were probably moving. Bret tells us that later there will be partying, but first there is a challenge. He's looking for a woman who can handle life on the road with him and all the insanity that comes with it. In each "city," all of which are set up in one big parking lot, two girls will compete head to head in a rock tour related challenge. The winner of the challenge will jump back on the bus, while the loser gets left behind. The ultimate winner will get a killer date. Hopefully with a cameo appearance by Jason Voorhees. Bret interviews that for the last 22 years he's spent six to nine months out of the year on a tour bus. Oh yeah. He's seen a million faces and he's rocked them all. If Rodeo were here, she'd start crying and emotionally state, "It's my dream...to be the steel horse he's riding." In any case, Bret wants a girl who can hang.
First stop, New York City! Big John chooses Jes's name out of a hat, and she gets to pick her opponent. She chooses Magdalena, thinking it will be an easy victory. They each have a suitcase, and a pile of clothes. Whoever is first to pack the clothes, zip the suitcase, and make it to the bus wins. They are neck and neck until Jes's sweater gets stuck in the zipper, which gives Magdalena the edge needed to win. Jes is pissed that she lost on the first one. Girl, you are going to feel a whole lot better about it later when you don't smell like fish guts and rotted turnips.
stop, Philadelphia, where Heather undoubtedly wants Bret to ring her liberty bell. Magdalena's name is chosen from the hat this time, which seems kind of unfair. So, I've been thinking about the casting of Magdalena for The Rock of Love Story, and it is true that Bea Arthur, despite the multiple facelifts, is probably too old. Since I actually think Magdalena is kind of pretty, I propose Maria Sharapova, with voice overdubs done by Bea Arthur. I must admit that I've lost a little of my fervor for this project since the demise of Rodeo. Maybe in the fictionalized version she can appear in multiple dream sequences, and/or as an angel from heaven reminding Bret that he has a rainbow in his soul, for the children? "I want to touch your soul...with my rainbow." Really, I miss her more than I can say. In any case, Magdalena picks Sam. Since Bret's lady always has to look smoking hot, or like she has been smoked out of the free clinic, despite the occasional lack of four star accommodations, the girls will have to change outfits in a port-a-potty. Big John hands them their clothes, which appear to have come from Heather's special whore drawer.
Sadly for Magdalena and Sam, the port-a-potties are, like, the real kind, with puddles of feces in them. They smell like dirty diapers, according to Sam. And what's worse, the girls have to change into a crotchless lace onesie, high heel shoes, a corset, and reeeeeally tiny mini-skirt. I always wondered who would buy the crotchless lace onesies that can be found in the back pages of the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Now I know that the answer is: Big John. He likes the feel of the hosiery against his skin. And you know, if Lacey really wanted to prove herself an evil genius, she would go tackle the port-a-potties so they rolled across the parking lot. One word: sloshing. Magdalena is first to exit, but her shoes are tied the wrong way. She can't fix them in time, and Sam wins on a technicality. Magdalena is upset that she is going to miss out on the chance to get one-on-one time with Bret. Again, I will say that later on, when she does not have a rotting lamb chop sticking out of her crotchless lace onesie, she will count her lucky Y chromosomes.
The stop is Detroit, which is unfairly stereotyped as the city of garbage. Lacey's name is pulled out of the hat, and, counting on some post-challenge fatigue, she chooses Sam as her competitor. Lacey and Sam will have to -- yes, you're reading this right -- search through a dumpster to find Bret's favorite guitar pick. This is the point when I'd be like, "Fuck it, I'll settle for C.C." Lacey says possibly the grossest thing I've ever heard, which is that looking through the dumpster was like fishing through soup. The same words came out of Bret's mouth on the morning following their fateful foursome. Poor Sam is still in her crotchless onesie, but this does not deter her from giving it her all. She finds the pick and as she has to crawl out of the dumpster asks if the others want to see her crotch. It's all just special sauce and McNuggets at this point, one would guess. A garbage-covered Lacey must remain in Detroit. She probably actually smells better than usual.
Pulling up to Big John's hometown of Nashville, the girls in the bus see a guitar, amp and lots of wires. Brandi M. tells the others that she's really good at electronics and hooked up her mom's surround sound. This deters Heather, whose name is pulled out of the hat, from picking her. She goes with Mia instead. And Mia will totally be played by Jennifer Love Hewitt in The Rock of Love Story, as long as she can do something about that ENORMOUS cottage cheese ass of hers. Heather and Mia plug wires in and out, but both of them fail to notice the giant unplugged power cord right in front of them. Back on the bus, Brandi M. tells Sam that she knew she would be terrible at this challenge, so her claims of Mr. Wizardry were totally bogus. She's very proud of herself, even though fooling Heather is about as hard as getting George W. Bush to say "nucular." Big John has to tell the girls to plug in their amps, and Mia emerges as the victor. Heather is left behind to tweak her nips and hope that a kindly stranger takes pity on her.
The stop is Seattle. Big John picks Brandi's name out of the hat, and she chooses Mia as her competitor. Brandi is ready to kick some ass. Big John tells the girls that sometimes on the road Bret gets really drunk and forgets the words to even some of his biggest songs. With each episode my loins burn for him a little more. Or, actually, they just burn. Sympathy pains, I guess. There is a giant fridge poetry thing with the chorus to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" all jumbled up. The first girl to put the words in the right order will win and go onto the finals. It seems totally unfair to me that you could make it to the finals of this challenge without having to either; a) slosh in rancid feces; b) slosh in rancid garbage. If you can't do either of those things, how will you be able to hack life with Bret? Mia chokes under the pressure, and Brandi M. is named the winner. And then the song plays! The acoustic version. It's very poignant and thorny that Mia is left on a bench in a middle of a parking lot, I guess.
With that, we're back in Los Angeles as Sam and Brandi face off in the finals. They have to "get to Bret" by hurdling some velvet ropes and "get through security" by pushing back one of those football things with Big John's face taped on it. Poor Sam is in her sludge-soaked whore clothes. For a good number of the rest of the girls, this is everyday life, but I imagine it puts Sam at a bit of a disadvantage. As a muzak version of "Chariots of Fire" plays, the girls hurdle and push, and Brandi is the winner of the date with Bret. Sam has to give her props. And really, Sam's date with Bret would just be filled with more talk about feelings and shit, and who needs that? Not Bret, that's for sure. He is so psyched that Brandi won that he yells out, "Wild Thing! Wassagoinon!?!" He's got to find a way to bring some lovin' there today. Something tells me that with Brandi M. his task won't be too difficult, and this is even before I know about her nickname.
Back at home, Lacey says she was cute earlier in the day, before she rolled around in garbage. Just another in an endless path of lies and deceit and desperation. She and Heather go to their top-secret planning space in a room behind a curtain -- make that a SOUNDPROOF curtain, I'm sure -- and decide that their task is to get Sam booted. Since Sam is so sensitive and jealous, they figure that they'll just tell her that Brandi sucked Bret's rose and fondled his thorns on their date. Which, actually, will probably be the truth. It's interesting how these two come to honestly in such a roundabout way. Bret tells the girls that he's going to go to the studio for a while and come back with some good music and get the birthday party started. While he's gone, the girls decorate. Brandi inhales the helium out of a balloon and says she just might suck Bret's dick tonight. If you ever wondered what Munchkin porn sounds like, you couldn't get much closer than that. The Lollipop Guild stars in: Ding Dong The Witch Is Spread. Magdalena inhales from the balloon and still sounds like Shaquille O'Neal.
And then, it's party time! Bret blows out the candles on two sorry looking cakes. There are, like, 120 candles, which is probably how old everyone thinks Bret is. What is Bret's birthday wish, you may ask? "To have the most awesome, kick-ass time." It's like he breathes poetry. Bret hooks up his boom box to a PA, and, in true Bret Michaels fashion, plays, "Nothin' But a Good Time." As the girls get down and the swinging on the pole starts, Magdalena takes a break outside. She tells us that she's not the kind of person to hang on a guy's neck to get his attention. Hopefully not, since the guy would be on the ground in about half a second. She's built like a fucking anchor. The party is at such a level that even the non-whores are on the pole. Hey Jes and Mia! And then, out of nowhere, it happens. SAM IS ON THE POLE. She's wearing capri length black denim, but still. She shakes it like that nanny who ended up going to trial. As Bret says, her creature of sexual desire finally exploded. That sounds...unhygienic. He is so into it that I think he might have to tie his nuts into a slip knot. Unskinny bop, indeed.
Lacey notices that Sam is getting Bret's attention, so she concocts a complicated plan to go hang on him. Will she never stop with her innovative scheming? Heather employs the same strategy, and says that it's all for the greater good of making Sam jealous. At one point Lacey is actually, like, nuzzling his neck. He is totally going to get a boil in that spot. The plan works. Sam can't take it, and heads off to her room to write in her creepy little journal. She says it's hard to see other girls hanging on the object of her affection when she wants to be that girl. So just go throw your puss in the mix. It's not rocket science.
The morning, Sam is in a foul mood. She tells Lacey to get out of her fucking face. In all fairness, I would greet every day with the same sentiment were I in that house. Plus, I'm guessing that Sam is suffering from what Dr. Oz recently informed me is called "Safe Toilet Syndrome." The bitch hasn't pooped in, like, three weeks, is what I'm saying. Cut her some slack. It's probably even starting to reabsorb. Lacey stage whispers to Heather that Sam is losing it. Heather's response? "Cool." Oh, and then fucking Lacey decides that it's important for Bret to know that Sam's freaking out, so she takes it upon herself to talk to him. I would love to install an invisible fence right in front of his door. "Knock knock...ow! Knock knock...ow! Knock knock...ow!" Lacey knocks and says, "Rise and shine." In the words of Magdalena, "If he's locked in his room, it means he doesn't f@*#!$ wanna see you. How 'bout it?" The "How 'bout it?" kills me. Magdalena interviews that Heather and Lacey are like hyenas always trying to get on Bret. She thinks it's disrespectful. It also wafts of the stank of desperation. How 'bout it?
Bret needs a minute to put on his bandana / baseball cap combo, then invites Lacey in. She tells him she's worried about Sam -- which, I am SO SURE even Bret's dumb enough to believe that -- because Sam's jealousy issues are causing her to freak out. Lacey says when Bret's out on the road and tons of girls are on his tour bus, Sam's not going to be able to handle that, and he needs someone who understands that lifestyle. Bret interviews that he really appreciates everything Lacey told him. Okay, so he is dumb enough to believe that. That's the last flicker of hope I'll ever have in regards to this show. Bret thinks Sam might be too sensitive for this lifestyle. Well, duh, you knew that in, like, the second episode, but you wanted to have her hang around until you could pork her. Lacey goes poolside to report to Heather, who is wearing a g-string and nothing else. Good to see she's been classing it up as promised. How do you even concentrate enough to talk to someone when you can see all their bits? I've been thinking hard about who will play Heather in The Rock of Love Story, but haven't quite settled on someone who is both oddly likeable yet haggard, and has the appropriate amount of heft. In a few years Lindsay Lohan might qualify.
Bret goes in to talk to Sam and does not greet her with a "Wassagoinon." Bad sign! She's folding clothes and he asks if she's leaving. Any display of tidiness must seem really radical in that house. Bret asks if Sam had fun at the party. She says she did, and he compliments on her heretofore unknown pole skills. She could totally knock out some sort of complicated mathematical theorem right now and he'd just stare blankly for a second before saying, "It really impresses me...how you worked that pole." Bret says that sometimes he feels close to Sam, but then the brakes come on. She's a private person, she says, and doesn't know who to trust in the house. Bret says the only person she needs to get close to is him, and she asks how she's supposed to get close to him when other girls are grinding up on him. Again, do enough Kegels so your puss can take out that of any other ho head to head, so to speak, and the man will be yours.
Bret worries about Sam's severe mistrust issues. I love how he can never just say "trust issues." Sam confides that she was in an abusive relationship with a drug addict who would talk down to her and slam her into walls and call her a slut and cheat on her. She lost it, and now she takes Prozac. Sam wants to know what love is. She wants Bret to show her. Maybe. Sam is one of the most intense people that Bret has ever met. Including David Lee Roth? I didn't think so. Bret is wondering if maybe he'll have to let Sam go for his own sanity. Guess it will depend on how much he wants to bone her at elimination time.
Bret Mail! "I hope you like shouting, beers, and flying pucks / Because Bebe, tonight we are partying with the Anaheim Ducks / Later on this evening, someone will end their tour / It's elimination night, and I'm sending home one more." Brandi M. says this date is perfect for her, as who wouldn't enjoy an afternoon of beer and men with sticks? Bret and Brandi have dinner in a VIP suite before the game. Does that stand for "Very Inconsistent Plugs"? Bret, with his customary eloquence, tells Brandi that she has two of the most beautiful eyes he's ever looked at. This is the kind of compliment he could never give to his last girlfriend, Cindy Cyclops.
Brandi says that a lot of guys are intimidated by her because she's so bold and straightforward, and she needs a man who knows who he is. Bret asks if she has more guy friends or girlfriends. She says that it's mostly guy friends, and the girls she's friends with are lesbians. Bret kind of bizarrely says that this is the one thing he'd worry about. Oh my God, don't you want to just unleash some huge dyke in the house? Like, if you thought Bret got wonky when the girls started talking about Vanilla Ice, just see how he handles Joan Jett in the flesh. She'd be like, "Why the fuck are you wearing a wig, grandpa?" and walk out of the house with three bitches on each arm. Brandi says that she's not going to turn gay, and couldn't see herself marrying a woman. However, and I quote, "I'll have sex with one, though, don't get me wrong. But then I'll kick her out afterwards." And punch her in the stomach, too. Bret is such a tool he doesn't even laugh. He just looks down at his plate and nods and goes, "Yeah." He totally can't handle Brandi. It's a fact.
Back at the house, there is a note. Lacey reads it. It says, "Ladies, looks like my date will run late tonight. Chances are I won't be able to spend any more time with you before this evening's elimination. So I'm looking for some help. I need you all to work together to create a list stating the biggest reason why each of you should go home." That is J.J. Walker level good times, right there. The girls sit at the kitchen table together, and Lacey interviews that she's excited to have one more opportunity to rattle the others. Sam is up first for the collective bashing, and Lacey thinks they should put that Sam is jealous/insecure. Sam interviews that Lacey is a nasty, mean, fucking cunt bitch. Seriously: Tiffany called it. Then it's Heather's turn. Jes says she hasn't seen who Heather truly is. Heather, wearing giant sunglasses and silver lame, says that's so weird because this is totally her everyday. Mia is , and Lacey says she's not really into Bret. Mia interviews that Lacey is a crazy, psychotic cold-hearted bitch. Mia tells Lacey that just because she doesn't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Lacey's all, "I understand." That's the thing about her -- if you come back at her with ANYTHING, she can't take it. As we shall soon see.
Then it's time to write something about Brandi, who is of course not there since she's on her date with Bret. Lacey asks Jes to write, verbatim, "Do you really want a girlfriend who's known for blow jobs?" You're asking this of Bret Michaels? Is that a rhetorical question? We learn that back home, Brandi's nickname is "Blow Job Brandi." I'm sure that Rimjob Rhonda and Blumpkin Belinda had a hoot coming up with that moniker. Lacey thinks that Brandi is just a groupie and isn't really there for Bret. Then it's time for Jes. All that anybody can come up with is age and location. How about "too good for Bret?" is Magdalena. Lacey says that Magdalena doesn't have feelings for Bret, and is there just to be on TV. Magdalena interviews that Lacey is a dirty, sneaky, man-looking, devil-possessed freaky whore. And I mean, if Lacey ever has to answer the question, "Name three adjectives to describe yourself," she's going to have a LOT to choose from.
Speaking of Lacey, it's her turn. Joy! Sam says she's not sincere. Lacey asks if she means sincere about Bret, and Sam says she means about everything. Jes adds that she's not sincere and can't control her anger. Again, Lacey wants clarification on what she's not sincere about, and Mia answers, "Just in general." Sam tells Lacey that when she talks to her, she sees through her. And then Lacey, who's like the biggest fake loser camera whore and couldn't wait to trash talk everyone else, has the balls to get all upset about it. She starts going on about how she didn't come there to make friends, and Sam excellently asks why, if she doesn't want to be their friend, she cares what they think. Lacey says it's because they're telling Bret something that isn't true. Jes interviews that Lacey is manipulative and vindictive and she's about to kill her. They all basically tell Lacey to shut the fuck up. Lacey thinks that the others are full of shit, and interviews that they'd better watch their backs.
Meanwhile, Bret and Brandi are having a great time at the hockey game. Bret likes that Brandi is a tomboy, and wants to have sex with her while she changes a tire, which I really think would restrict her mobility. But, cheaper than a AAA membership, I guess. Bret gets asked to appear on the giant screen in the rink. He does, and the crowd goes wild. They would have gone wilder if this had been shown on the big screen. No, seriously, click on it now. It's Bret Michaels' video for "Raine," a song from his solo album Songs of Life. Yes, Songs of Life is a really queer album name, but that's not what stands out most here. Click on it, watch for a minute, and then come back. I'm going to ask you a question. Done? Okay, here's my question. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON HIS HEAD?!?!?!?!?!?!!? No, for reals. He looks like a guest on Springer who is half-heartedly trying to retain his anonymity because would YOU want everyone in your town to know that your wife's 400 pound bipolar phone sex operator sister was your mistress and watch you sweat out that paternity test? I would rather them know that than SEE ME IN A WIG MADE OUT OF PUKEY HAIRBALLS! Actually, I feel like Bret's management got this wig from an organization called Locks of Hate that actually steals hair from cancer patients in the middle of the night and repurposes it for aging rock stars. They're all like, "What are you talking about, Sebastian Bach, you've got the mane of Fabio! Rock n' roll!" Seriously, dude. You're a grown man wearing a cheap wig. If you're going to go there, go balls to the wall and invest in a Moonstruck era Cher wig. Though then Bret might look like Captain Hook. But seriously, it would be an improvement. WIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In any case, Bret's date with Brandi M. ranks up there with some of the best dates he's ever had. They make out and I'm sure, though we don't see it, that Brandi lived up to her nickname. BECAUSE SHE HASN'T SEEN THE WIG.
Back at home, Bret and Brandi tell the others about their date. Bret goes to take a shower and think about which of the magnificent seven to eliminate. Once he's gone, Mia and Jes tell Brandi about their charge to write down why each girl is not good for Bret. Brandi asks what they put down, and Mia says all she could think of was Brandi's burping and farting issues. Brandi then goes to confront Lacey and Heather. Fucking Lacey says that once Brandi's name came up, Mia, Jes and Magdalena called her a slut groupie whore. Brandi, being much smarter than Bret, doesn't believe shit that Lacey says. Lacey, however, thinks she's a fucking genius. She goes back to double check with Jes and Mia, who tell Brandi how eager Heather and Lacey were to bring up her reputation as a blow job queen. Brandi wants to shove her hockey stick up both Heather and Lacey's ass. That would be one crusty totem pole. Jes interviews that Lacey sucks at life. Everyone hates her.
With eliminations looming, Bret wants to speak with some of the girls. Magdalena is first, and Bret notes that her aloofness makes him wonder if she's invested in him. Maggie says that she's not going to hang all over someone, because if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Bret doesn't fee like the burning love is there for him, so it's hard to give back burning love. In comparison, the herpes pass back and forth so easily. Maggie says she prefers to show her emotions privately. Bret still isn't connecting with her. Oh, and then fucking Sam is bawling. She tells Bret that she's too sensitive to be there and she can't take it. Bret likes her, but thinks she's kind of bipolar. He asks her if she wants to leave, and she says no, that she likes him so much. At the same time, her heart is so big, and she doesn't want to fall in love in front of millions of people and get hurt. Or, tens of people. Bret holds her and notes that she's freaking him out. That's exactly what you want to hear from your potential boyfriend in your darkest hour.
Heather does herself in Aqua Net and spritzes some Prince Matchabelli in her cleavage to ensure that her windsong stays on Bret's mind. She knows she and Bret have connected and is confident that she's staying. Maggie is a little nervous, and so is Lacey given that the other girls told Bret she's insincere. Bret reads the letter, and wonders if Lacey is the cause of all the drama going on in the house. Well duh, you wig-wearing dumb ass. Wait, make that "you wig- and red-vinyl-jacket-wearing dumb ass. I hope the Salvation Army of the Damned got full wardrobe credit on this show.
Okay, elimination time. Bret picks Brandi first, because she is fun and has some very special sexual qualities. Uh, so he's heard. Heather is bitter. Brandi will stay and continue to rock Bret's world. is Heather, who interviews that she's the best choice for him and that they're like one in the same. Everything she says is true. Jes is , to Lacey's chagrin. Lacey thinks she's too young and immature, and that she's a prude. Oh, shut up. The called is Mia. Finally, despite the fact that she sucks, Bret chooses to keep Lacey. He calls her "cankles," which is better than she deserves.
Thus, it comes down to Sam and Magdalena. Sam is freaking out. Bret says he sometimes has to make decisions based on what he's thinking, and what the girls are thinking as well. I think he grossly overestimates the amount of so-called "thinking" going on in all parts of the house, but okay. He calls Magdalena down and tells her that her tour ends here. He interviews that his life is about passion and excitement, and he didn't believe it was there with himself and Magdalena. Magdalena interviews that she appreciate that Bret's not wasting her time anymore. She does not seem broken up about leaving AT ALL. Good for her. Sam says that she does want to be there, and she and Bret agree to take it one day at a time. As Lacey swears that she'll take Sam and everyone else out , the girls toast with a delicious can of Bret's Brew, which I hear can also be used as a magic hair tonic.
week: a challenge custom made to exacerbate the skank, and everyone still hates Lacey. But until then, it's...
Bret's boner countdown! Again, it's paltry. These girls are KILLING BRET'S BONER!
13. "Brandi's kind of a tomboy, you know. She's one of those girls that can change your tire and at the same time you want to have sex with her. That's a win-win."