Previously: Catfighting. Pole-dancing. Lacey is quite possibly insane, and kind of so is Rodeo.
We enter just after Kristia and Dallas have been eliminated. Things in the house are getting crazy, which I'm sure comes as a great surprise. Brandi C. is sad that her best friend Kristia was eliminated, so opts to drown her sorrows in some booze. Amidst all the revelry, Rodeo looks kind of serious. Normally, she'd be up on the pole with the rest of them, but she says she all of a sudden realized that she missed her son. Kids are such the buzzkill. She removes herself from the crowd, and Lacey, seeing this mini-breakdown as an opportunity to advance her own nefarious advancement, goes to get Bret. We cut to Bret holding a weeping and wailing Rodeo in the bathroom. Bret tells us that he consoled her and also shared how much he missed his girls. It made him feel closer to Rodeo, but at the same time he wonders how long she's going to last in the house of rock. I bet Tiffany never even would have thought about her kid once! Buck up, Rodeo.
Meanwhile, Brandi C. is wasted, and standing in the yard in her underwear. I mean, not that she doesn't do that while she's sober, but still. Jes calls her "drunkarooski," which I find hilarious. Brandi C. doesn't care to talk to the other girls now that Kristia's gone; she's going to focus her attentions on Bret. She waits outside the B.A.M.B. room until Big John tells her that it's not going to happen tonight. Her whining has no effect on the big man, and she starts crying. To ease the pain of missing her son, I think Rodeo should just hang around Brandi C., who often seems like she's seven.
The morning, the girls are called to attention by the dulcet tones of Bret's harmonica. That's legendary harp player Bret "One-Eyed Snake Dickey Stabone Male Pattern Baldness Suffering Sugar Shock Monkey Foot" Michaels to you. Since music is the most important thing in Bret's life -- which makes one wonder why he insists on committing crimes in its name year after year -- he wants his special lady to be creative as well. For today's challenge, the girls will have the opportunity, in teams of two, to write lyrics to one of two songs from his solo album, and then perform them. One is a hard, uptempo rock song, and one is a ballad. I would choose the latter, and entitle it "Every Nose Has Its Corn," about the temptation and dangers of inserting niblets in questionable orifices. The overarching theme that the girls have to work with is "Love is." Hasn't that been done by the twee little bulbous naked people already?
Bret names the teams. The first is Heather and Magdalena. Heather is less than convinced about the musical talents of Magdeanderthal, and knows she's screwed. Jes and Brandi M, Lacey and Erin, Sam and Brandi C., and Rodeo and Mia are the other teams. Rodeo says that she loves to sing, and has done so at weddings and karaoke. I can totally picture Rodeo in a karaoke bar singing "How Do I Live?" early in the evening, followed by "Bad Medicine" when things get rowdy. And occasionally "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" with a group of friends. Anyway, this is a dream come true for her, as is everything involving Bret. "I got to clean the oozing sores on Bret's member. It was a dream come true for me." The winning team will get dates -- one at a time! A date without any other girls there. Sounds like heaven!
Erin is terrified about this whole assignment, because she is not at all musical. She's teamed with Lacey, who is the self-proclaimed God's gift to all things melodious. I'm sure her great-great grandfather invented music. Brandi C. gets to play tambourine, while Sam offers to do the vocals. Still, Sam thinks she's fucked. And then we get a preview of Rodeo's song. Her lyrics go, "While we watch our kids at play/Under a rainbow of neverending love." It's phrased so that "of" rhymes with "love." Of course. Mia's response? "What the fuck is wrong with her and what is she thinking?" Rodeo's response? "Holy shit, that was awesome! Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH! [x 12]" Rodeo interviews, "Girls? Do you see what Rodeo did, baby? I'm gonna win his ass." Rodeo's super-serious crazy interviews are bar none my favorite part of this show.
Lacey, meanwhile, tells us that Erin is obviously going to contribute nothing to the challenge, so it all rests on her shoulders. She tells Erin that she's been writing lyrics and songs since she was five years old. She is so freaking insecure that she always has to tout her musical abilities, which I think we can all assume are questionable. Turns out Sam and Brandi C. already have lyrics, since Sam has been writing stuff down in what Brandi calls her "creepy little journal" all along. "And I am merged with blood-laced might" is one lyric that Sam suggests. Are there drawings of, like, a pegasus in this journal? Has Sam yet reached the level of Dungeon Master? Mia, meanwhile, tells Rodeo that she's not so sure if the kid stuff fits into the song. Rodeo really wants it in there, though, and suggests a lyric about grabbing their L.A. kids like sunlight. The fuck?
Meanwhile, Magdalena hopes that Heather doesn't fuck things up for her. She interviews that Heather has no musical talent, but does acknowledge that she can swing around the pole good. Heather thinks that Magdalena's lyrics might make sense in Poland, but they don't here. And I mean, they're playing this song for the guy who rhymed "thorn" with "dawn." I wouldn't overthink it. Brandi M. and Jes think they're fucked, since neither of them is musically inclined and their primary talents include smoking cigarettes and drinking. Nevertheless, Brandi M. says that they're going to rock it out and knock it out and beat some bitches. Elsewhere, Rodeo is proposing lyrics about watching their kids playing in the sandbox. Her kid's fucking seven years old. Let the little dude on the swing, already. Mia is still not sold on the whole kid thing, but Rodeo is dead set on it. Rodeo interviews that she was frustrated with Mia, and that she wrote a beautiful lyric that I guess Mia put the kibosh on. The lyric in question? "I would love you just like a rainbow that's endless in the sky/Grab our kids L.A.-style, let's love right/Baby because I want to fly." All I can think about right now are unicorns wearing L.A. Gears. Rodeo probably has both in her closet.
Jes and Brandi M. decide to have a couple of drinks to get the old creative juices flowing. Their team is clearly the most fun. Erin, meanwhile, can't even beat on a tambourine. Lacey doesn't think it matters, because she's positive Bret will see her fabulous musicianship above all else. Jes and Brandi M. are enjoying a brew and rocking out. Jes is determined to win. Sam gives Brandi C. some voice lessons, and finally interviews that she's fucking tone-deaf. And really, hearing them try to harmonize puts in mind some sort of terrible feelgood Jerry's Kids medley or something. Like, you want to donate money just to make it stop.
It is time for the performances! Bret has invited his friend, radio personality Richard Blade, to be a guest judge, in addition to Big John. Erin and Lacey are up first. Erin is pretty terrible on the tambourine. As Heather says, "Come on, circus hooters. I mean, how hard is it to stand up there and tap a tambourine with a stupid stick?" Lacey says that she did everything, and knows that she has more musical abilities than all the girls in the house put together. Meanwhile, she sounds like she swallowed a bottle of Drano. Maybe it's affected her ears, too. Poor Erin doesn't even seem to know when the song is over, and just keeps tapping on her tambourine.
Heather and Magdalena are , and also go with the ballad. Bret notes that Magdalena sounds a little like a drag queen, but she's a big girl, so she has a deep voice. I know there are some age issues here, but the only person I can see playing Magdalena in The Rock Of Love Story is Miss Beatrice Arthur. I mean, right? Heather rocks a shaker, and she and Magdalena actually look pretty good. Richard tells them that the singing was not great, but that he did like their lyrics.
Jes and Brandi M. are , and feeling pretty confident about their abilities to punk-rock the shit out of the song. And they do! Sam thinks they're adorable and rad as shit. And they are! Bret thinks they kicked ass all over the stage, and says that they caught his attention immediately.
Oooh, and then there's Rodeo and Mia. They also pick the uptempo song. Rodeo totally has the karaoke sway down. There is indeed a line in there about grabbing their L.A. kids and loving right. Bret notices the lyrics about the kids, and says that they didn't quite fit the song. He asks why they chose the rock song over the ballad. Rodeo's response? "We both agreed that in order to carry out the rock, for you, for your future, is to have kids involved. Because the children are the ones that are growing up, and they're going to make your rock music live." Teach them well and let them lead the way. Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be. In Rodeo's case, that means crazy as fuck. She does an on-the-fly interview where she starts crying that she promised she'd always include her son. Well, when she's sliding down the pole, breasts in hand, I actually think it's better that he's with the sitter.
Brandi C. and Sam are the last to go. Sam still thinks she's fucked. Their song is called "Your Fallen Angel," and Sam dedicates it to Bret. The sound of this beat is in her soul. The words from her mouth may seem like they're cold. But she's been messed with, she's been lied to, betrayed by...talk to her, boy, tell her she's the one. Tear into her flesh, 'cause mama's fallen angel is the one who knows best. In complete darkness, she is at light. And she emerges with blood, lace...and mice? Mice? I thought it was "might" when they were rehearsing, but now it totally sounds like "mice." Are these bitches leaving crumbs all over the floor? Well, Brandi C. probably is so that she can find her way back to the living room. In any case, creepy little journal indeed. Sam says that being in the house inspired the lyrics, since they never know if they're being lied to, or if Bret's being honest with them. Bret is pretty cognizant of Sam's trust issues, and doesn't sound like he's all that enamored of them. Oh, and I have to mention that Brandi C. was adorable throughout the whole song.
The judges critique the teams. Magdalena and Heather worked together well, and Richard liked the lyrics. Heather takes credit for them, but Maggie interjects that both of them contributed. Jes and Brandi M. looked terrific, but Richard didn't like that they held guitars. They had enough energy that they could have sold themselves behind the mics. Brandi's response? "Pull the stick out of your ass, Richard, it was a joke." Lacey and Erin are . Erin's lack of musical acumen hurt the performance. Lacey is pissed. Rodeo and Mia worked together well and gave a great performance. Richard asked who wrote the lyrics, and Mia says they merged their ideas. Rodeo, never content to pipe the fuck down, says she wanted to involve the kids. Bret mentions Rodeo's anxiety attack the night before. Richard tells her not to channel that energy into the song. Sam and Brandi C. had some great lyrics, and Richard particularly likes "Lie to me boy, tell me I'm the one." On the negative side, the singing was terrible. Bret decides to call the competition a tie. The joint winners are Magdalena/Heather and Samantha/Brandi C.. What? Heather thinks it's a huge cop-out, and Brandi C. agrees that it's bullshit. Jes is pissed that four more girls get to go on a date, and none is her. Plus, she and Brandi M. were clearly pearls in a field of swine droppings.
Oh, and Jesus, Rodeo is having another breakdown. Because Bret brought up the kid thing in relation to the song, Rodeo thinks maybe she used her child. Holly Hunter is going to have to get really creative with this in The Rock Of Love Story, because as amusing as she normally is, Rodeo makes for a super-boring emotional wreck. Okay, wait, scratch that. From Rodeo's tearful on-the-fly interview: "Kids love music. And I'm trying to bring them into good music. And I love rock, and I love country. That's why I wear my hat. That's why kids love me. [Crazy wide-eyed look all around.]" I mean, "That's why I wear my hat." There are no words. Brandi C. understands that Rodeo misses her kids, but at the same time thinks she's an annoying attention whore. She abnormally misses her cat, she says, but prepared herself to live without him. Rodeo should have done the same. And I mean, I'm sure Rodeo totally found a friend to check in on her son once a day, give him some wet food, and scoop his poop, so I don't get the dramatics either. Rodeo continues to bawl and repeats that she feels like she used her son. It's not like she used him for slave labor. Lighten up!
It's time for Bret's date with Heather and Magdalena. Maggie is excited about the date, but not so excited that she has to go with frickin' who? Heather. It does suck that they don't get to go on solo dates because of the tie. Bret tells them that they as a team sang the best. Maggie tells Bret about Rodeo's newest breakdown, which was precipitated by his comment about the kids and the song. He acknowledges that she's been having a tough time, and says he respects that she's so emotionally involved with her kid. His fear is that she's very, very intense. It's about time he noticed that she has crazy eyes constantly. Heather interviews that Rodeo has a lot of drama in that big old head of hers, so she doesn't blame Bret for being concerned.
Bret takes Maggie and Heather to a sushi restaurant called The Geisha House. He goes on about how he doesn't know anything about dating, but wants them to confirm that this is what a good dater should be doing. Except for the two hos part, yes. Heather says that she's not much of a dater. Both Bret and Maggie want to hear more, and Maggie asks whether being a dancer makes Heather hate guys. Heather snaps that no, in fact it makes her an expert at men. Men who like to stuff dollar bills into the g-string of a linebacker with huge knockers, maybe. Heather interviews that Magdalena is a hater, and can't even get through one dinner without a stupid stripper comment. I say, if you want people to forget you're a stripper, then don't swing around the pole whenever you get a minute of free time. Read a book! Utilize some very strong makeup remover. Play some Yahtzee.
Bret asks Heather how much longer she thinks she'll be stripping. She says that she gave herself a five-year span, and has been doing it for four and a half years, so she has six months left. Maggie interviews that every stripper will tell you she's quitting, but that Heather won't, because she doesn't know how to do anything else. Heather tells Bret that she had to put herself through college and has $45,000 in student loans. Sallie Mae: putting girls on the pole since 1946. Bret has a big heart and a lot of affection toward dancers, and the fact that Heather wants to go someplace else in life made him feel much more emotionally bonded to her. And really, I have no hate toward strippers either. You do what you have to do. I will note, however, that it's a profession that really seems to age you. But I'm sure Heather makes a lot more money than I do, and has a great supply of sparkly tassels to boot.
The waitress brings out two electric guitars, which are Maggie's and Heather's prizes for winning the challenge. Bret's not ready to go back to the house yet, so Heather proposes that they get hammered and get tattoos and piercings. Perhaps already partially hammered, Heather says that she'll get Bret's name tattooed on her neck. And I have to say, when I'm describing this show to people who have never seen it, I'm always like, "And then this one girl got 'Bret' tattooed ON HER NECK!" and they just look at me in abject horror. Heather: not in possession of the best judgment. Though Bret, looking into her eyes and hearing this, thinks she may be The One. And I mean, do these two ever deserve each other or what? Bret interviews, "This is hot, and this is commitment, but I wanted Heather's tattoo to be something that would be very private between me and Heather. I was going to wait for a solo date." On TV. While you still have a bevy of hos back at your rented TV house. Oh yeah. That's private. That's commitment.
The girls and Bret head home and do some shots in the limo. They triple kiss, and Bret tells us that once he starts partying, he just has to keep partying. After a certain age, isn't it unbecoming to use "party" as a verb? Bret literally stumbles into the house with the girls. Jes tells us that they all came back from their date totally trashed. We see Heather take off her shirt, and Jes tells us that this is probably the 139th time she's seen Heather's tits. Lacey is hanging around wearing a freaking bodysuit. The hell? Bret plays harmonica as Heather dances toplessly and approaches Brandi sexily. Heather is all about the adverbs right now. Sam comes out of her room and looks at the scene in horror. Everyone is kind of dancing around and drinking, and Brandi M. sits to the side looking like she's going to hurl. Heather smashes a guitar. Toplessly. Bret interviews that the party got out of control, and that he thought it might possibly kill him, and not in a good-dying way. We then see some hos sneaking into Bret's room. Bret tells us that by the end of the night, the troops had fallen off. Those who remained were the incomparable Brandi C., Heather, and Lacey. They all join Bret on his bed. He tells us he knows for a fact that this isn't what he needs to do, and that it's going to cost him his soul, but that it's going to be hot lovin'. He hangs his hat on the door, and we hear him tell the girls to wait a minute because he has to take care of something. That would be trying to get his flaccid drunken member to stand at attention, to which I say good luck, liver spots.
The morning, Brandi C. is excited for her date. Bret stumbles out to the kitchen, having woken up naked in a puddle of his own drool and pretty much feeling like death. It is these moments that make you vow never to drink again. Once, just out of college, I went out on a rager that involved copious amounts of whiskey, and woke up the morning in bed with my best friend, in another friend's apartment, naked from the waist down. I never knew for sure how I got to be in that state, but sadly I think the most likely scenario is that I peed myself. I was all class in my early twenties, which is why I really can't be too hard on these bitches. Over breakfast, the whole crew relives the night. Brandi M. interviews that she's pissed at what happened, with the bimbos sneaking in Bret's room and trying to fuck him. She says that, after breakfast, it was time to get down and dirty. This involves some of the JV squad talking serious shit. Brandi M. tells a tale of mooning someone and telling her to kiss her fucking ass. Oooh, who was it? We may never know.
Anyway, Lacey comes out and asks why everyone's so riled up. They all basically want to know what happened in Bret's room, and whether they did it. By "it," they mean "IT." Lacey says she's not saying that anything did or didn't happen. All she will say is that they had a good time. Oh, please. While all the girls were making out with each other, Li'l Bret shriveled up and he passed right the hell out. They then took off his bandana and laughed for a while, and rifled through his wallet. Don't threaten me with a supposed good time. Lacey doesn't understand why everyone's so upset, and Jes forcefully says that she doesn't want to kiss Bret if he just ate Lacey's shit out. And I mean, fair enough. Lacey interviews that all the rumors were flying, and the girls were talking, and she loved it. A very upset Sam says that she wants to go home, and asks how you're supposed to trust someone not to cheat on you when you go into a relationship with him cheating on you. Well, one way to avoid this scenario is not to put yourself in a situation where the object of your affection is dating twenty-four other women simultaneously. I'm just saying. Sam says that it's gross and disgusting and isn't for her. Poor outcast Sam with her dignity and natural breasts.
Big John delivers some Bret Mail. "Sam and Brandi C./You riffed my world with your song/So put on your boots and pull up your chaps/I hope you're ready to roll with me./As for the rest of you rockin' chicks/You'll just have to wait for my elimination picks." And then, it is my favorite Rodeo interview of the whole season. While crying, she gasps out, "I was bummed because my dream date with him was to...ride on a horse...on his land." HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The "on his land" part kills me.
Bret takes Brandi C. and Sam to Paramount Ranch, where they indeed go horse riding. Bret says that there's nothing sexier than a beautiful woman in a cowboy hat riding a horse. Brandi C. is having a great time, and loves the way the horses smell. Not when they're pooping. Just generally. She then gets a bee in her hat, which is pretty hilarious. There is a mini-montage of Brandi C. squeaking, "Oh my God," and Bret interviews that when you put Sam and Brandi C. together, you really notice that Brandi has a young soul. That's a very nice way to put it. After horse riding, there is a picnic set up, and Bret presents each of the girls with a nice-looking acoustic guitar. Brandi C. sniffs it. Horsey!
Sam says that the date was totally perfect (except for the presence of another ho -- HELLO!), but that she was going to make sure that she got some time to talk with Bret and find out if she could trust him or not. They go off alone. This doesn't bother Brandi C. because, as she says, they're going off to talk about issues they already have, and they're not even together. Sam would seriously be way too much drama for Bret. Sam tells Bret that things like the recent possible foursome have made her rethink her stay. She has trust issues because her father cheated on her mother. She interviews that she understands how it might be hard to say no to all the women in the house, but she's not there to get off -- she's there to find a relationship. Again, her relationship-finding methods are kind of questionable. Bret shares tales of his parents' divorce, and thinks they're connecting. They make out for a while, and Sam decides to stay. Bret feels something with her, but doesn't know if he can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust him. And I mean...WHO WOULD TRUST HIM? This is why Bret is compatible primarily with dumb-asses. Bret says that with two more girls going home soon, he has to dig down deep and figure out what he's looking for in his life. I thought we already ascertained that it was nothing but a good time?
Elimination! The non-bimbos really hope that Bret boots the bimbos. Rodeo says, "I wish Bret would wake up, and look at me, and say, 'God I want that figure of a mother in my child's eyes in my home.'" What? The one thread that attached Rodeo to comprehensibility has clearly been snipped. After their date, Sam is more into Bret than ever. Heather's hair is very Farrah Fawcett by way of a weed whacker. She makes me want to buy stock in Aqua Net. Bret announces that two women are going home, and says that, tonight, he's doing things a little differently. He calls Rodeo to him and tells her that when she looked at him the other night, he knew she was in some ways asking to go home and spend time with her son. He wants her to go home and see her little boy and give him a hug. The others are all shocked. Bret gives Rodeo his special straw cowboy hat as a parting gift. Not to fret: he's wearing a bandana underneath it. Rock will live on in that hat. It's for the children. Bret says that Rodeo meant a lot to him, but that he could see that the insanity of the house was tearing her apart. He knew Rodeo was missing her boy and had to leave, so he was going to let her leave with dignity. I don't know how much dignity a person can have after we've seen her tits and know she likes it doggie-style, but if Bret wants to escort her up the stairs to the tune of a searing guitar solo, that's fine with me. Rodeo is silent through this whole ordeal, but once outside, she interviews, holding on to the last shred of sanity, "It fills my heart. I'll never let it go. I didn't want to go." And I mean, Bret totally realized that she's nuts and used the whole kid thing as an excuse. Nonetheless, I'm really sad to see her go so early. I guess Holly Hunter will have to settle for a Best Supporting Actress Emmy.
Bret returns, all choked up, and says that's the toughest thing he's done in a long time. Heather is impressed by his emotion during the situation, and says that he has a heart of gold. Though I am loath to admit it, he actually seems kind of all right. I mean, he's better than Flav and at least half of the Bachelors. To stay, Bret calls Mia, Jes, Erin, Brandi M., and Magdalena. Victory for the good girls! Lacey, Heather, and Brandi C. are getting a little nervous. Bret calls Sam , and she too agrees to stay in the house and rock his world. With three bimbos left, Bret has two passes. Heather can't believe that after they've partied their asses off with Bret, the three of them are at the end. Bret calls Lacey up first, and when he asks if she'll stay and rock his world, she answers, "You got it, babe." She's such a loser. With Heather and Brandi C. left, Bret says that he needs to move past the partying and having fun and make a connection. Heather -- in a dress that I can't even explain -- gets the final pass. Bret's rose and his thorn with Brandi C. are as such. Rose: free spirit. Thorn: Brandi C. might be only a sexual relationship, and Bret wants more. He tells her that he comes with a lot of baggage for such a free spirit, and that he'll miss her. Outside, she bawls and says that she's really shocked. It's obvious how much she likes him, and she can't believe he's letting her go over Erin, Mia, and Jes. Back inside, everyone toasts with water, to give Bret's liver a break. Lacey interviews that, now that Brandi C.'s gone, she and Heather are going to stop partying so much and focus on picking the other girls off. They couldn't do this with Brandi C. around, because she could only focus on picking her nose.
time: Bret's mud bowl! And a resurgence of the boner comments, hopefully. I can't believe there were none this week!