Previously: Pole dancing. Cat fighting. I think that might be just about every "previously on" description for this show.
It is morning. Rodeo works out. Sam brushes her teeth. Well, at least one girl has perfunctory hygiene. Heather reminds us that there are two camps in the house: the bad girls/A Team/varsity squad, who are her, Brandi C., Lacey, and Kristia; and the good girls, who are Magdalena, Erin, Jes, Mia, Sam, Dallas. Heather also calls these the "fake girls." Tough talk from a woman fashioned of silicone, rusty car parts, and Tang. Lacey tells us that she's feeling devil horns poking out of her skull, and is going to have to do something to get her current archnemesis, fur- and meat-loving Dallas, out of the house.
Big John delivers some Bret Mail: "Hope you're all rested/'Cause today your skills will be tested/Are you the one that goes fast?/Who puts the pedal to the gas?/Well, get geared up and ready to start/'Cause today you girls will race for my heart./The fastest four will win a date." Oh my God, could they not just add a "hurry up and don't be late" or something at the end? I can't bear the unresolved rhyming couplet! Kristia is psyched, because she's a big fan of the crosses -- motocross, supercross, snowcross, Jesus on the cross. She's all about it.
The girls get dressed and head to a motocross track, where there are bikes all lined up for them. Three helmeted folks come racing toward them. One is Bret, who takes off his helmet while ensuring that his black bandana doesn't come off in the process. And I mean, thank God. We've seen what's on top of his head, and it's quite possible that it has turned people blind and/or to stone. Bret is a big motorcycle and motocross fanatic -- he says that motocross is one of the most important things in his life, and he wants his lady to enjoy riding as well. He introduces his co-riders: nine-time women's world motocross champion (or something) Mercedes Gonzalez, and soon to be nine-time world champion Charity Okerson. Oh, yay, some real lesbians and not just Tawny and Heather doing shots out of each others' cleavage! Bret says that they're bitter rivals, and are going to take their aggression out on the contestants. On the motocross track. And perhaps off. I mean, who really knows? Erin looks terrified. I don't know why, since if she flies off of the bike and lands chest down she'll just bounce right back on. Heather, however, is psyched, and determined to win the date with Bret.
The girls suit up. It all goes well until Magdalena can't fit the helmet over her enormous head. Charity pushes and pushes, but it's a no go. The others laugh, and then Magdalena is laughing so hard that she actually pees herself. I wonder if there have been any studies done on the connection between giant heads and incontinence. Charity and Mercedes teach the girls some bike basics. Bret notes that this is either going to be sexy as hell, or somebody's going to get hurt. Or both, if you think open head wounds are hot. Bloody gash? Turn-on. The girls practice and Mia and Lacey appear to have some skills. Bret interviews that there's something about Lacey that's just hot. So he IS a fan of open head wounds. I knew it. Dallas tells us that she's going to get on her bike and haul ass. And she does, but is a bit reckless while doing so. Lacey cracks up because Dallas is such a mess, and says she's going a hundred miles an hour straight for the trash can. Run, Oscar, run! Even Bret thinks she might die. Her bike does fall over kind of a lot.
Bret tells the girls that they will divide up into three teams of four and have a relay race. The winning team will get to go on a date with him. He picks the team captains. Magdalena -- known as the Fergie of the motocross world -- is captain of the pink team. Erin is the purple team captain, and Rodeo notes that although she has built-in airbags, she doesn't know if Erin will actually be able to see over them to drive. It is true that after the nuclear holocaust, there will be cockroaches, Cher, and Erin's implants. Heather is captain of the blue team. Magdalena picks Rodeo, Brandi M., and Sam. Erin picks Mia and Jes, and Heather picks Lacey and Kristia. For her third choice, Erin must pick between crazy Dallas, who is a hazard to mankind, and generally impaired Brandi C., whom she hates. She sucks it up and goes with Brandi. This, of course, means that Dallas is on the team with her favorite person in the world, Lacey. Bret tells the girls he wants them to go hard, fast, heavy, and to get to it. He's never uttered those words in succession before, I bet.
The first team to complete four laps on the track, in relay fashion, wins the prize. The first leg has Brandi M., Jes, and Lacey facing off. Lacey says she's confident and determined to win the date with Bret. And then what happens? Let's let Dallas narrate: "I was picked last, and meanwhile Lacey fucking fell and fucking ate it two seconds into the motherfucker." I could not have put it more succinctly. Lacey really does bite it, and then is super-slow to recover. Heather even interviews, "Get the fuck back on the bike, bitch, you're my strongest player, GOD." Lacey can't figure out how to get her bike to start working again, and Dallas can't believe this dumb bitch is going to lose it for them. Meanwhile, Brandi M. and Jes appear to be neck and neck. Heather finally asks if she can help Lacey, and Bret tells her that Lacey is trying to start it in gear. I don't know what any of that means, but add me to the chorus calling Lacey a dumb-ass. Bret is loving watching the girls race, by the way. Heather finally gets Lacey going again, right around the time that Brandi M. and Jes are back at the starting point.
Jes hands off the bike to Brandi C., who is stoked because she looks so good in her outfit. I'd mention the fact that she has a helmet covering her face, but I'm not the type of person to make fun of another's disability. Sam takes the second leg for the pink team, and Kristia -- who appears to be a fan of the slow and steady method of racing -- takes it for the blue team. With the purple team in the lead, Erin jumps on the bike for leg three, and Magdalena is the pink team's third rider. Heather takes the bike for the blue team, and tries to haul ass to make up for all the time dumb-fuck Lacey lost. Mia is the last rider for the purple team, which is in first place. Brandi C. thinks they can take it. Until, that is, Rodeo jumps on her bike and takes off. Rodeo is like the wind through my tree, man.
The blue team is still in last place, and it's all up to Dallas. Yeah. Bret tells us that Dallas takes off at about fifty miles an hour, which is enough to kill someone. She hauls ass in a wobbly fashion until she hits the first bump and goes flying right the hell off the bike. I mean, she flies, the bike flies. We even get a slow-motion replay, which so far has I think only happened when Tiffany was upside down on the stripper pole with her legs wide open and there were squeaky noises as she slid down. This is a big deal, is what I'm saying. Dallas lands hard on the ground, and Heather and Bret, both thinking she might be dead, run to her. The girls look concerned -- with the exception of Lacey, who is grinning like the Cheshire dumb bitch. Thankfully, Dallas is okay, and will live to torture Lacey for another day. She gets back on the bike and prepares to haul ass, but the bike totally flies away from under her legs. This is why I only ride the motocross at Dave and Busters.
The race is down to Mia and Rodeo. In the words of Rodeo herself: "Mia thinks she can ride, but she has nothing on me. Not a damn thing. I'm gonna ride that damn bike like she's never seen anybody ride a motorcycle." And indeed, Rodeo rides the night to Mia, then leads her through moonlight only to burn her with the sun. And a fiery hot burn it is. Rodeo says, in the continuation of a soliloquy that will be used for hundreds of high-school drama auditions henceforth and win Holly Hunter a Golden Globe for her performance in Lifetime's The Rock Of Love Story: "I'm coming over that hill, and there's another hill that I've gotta go over. And I see that good-looking man waving that flag and all I wanna do is jump that hill right into his arms!" If she actually could do this while riding the motorcycle events would take a tragic, yet awesome, turn indeed. Like a house on fire, Rodeo wins it for the pink team! She says, "I rode it like a Rodeo should, and I think it turned his ass ON! Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" Rodeo's triumph will be celebrated for generations. Magdalena and Sam will get their date tonight, while Rodeo and Brandi M. will cavort with Bret tomorrow. They both start laughing and totally look like mother and daughter. Sorry, Rodeo. Rodeo gives a yee-haw for good measure, and we're out.
The girls celebrate in the limo on the way home by cracking open a few beverages. Lacey -- still mad about how she fucked everything up for her team -- decides to take out her anger on Dallas. She yells that there's a squirrel outside the limo, and tells Dallas to go eat it. She's so fucking stupid. Dallas seems to be getting really pissed and then makes what I think is an EXCELLENT point when she asks Lacey what Bret was wearing the other night. Teacher's pet Brandi C. yells, "SNAKES!" It would actually be awesome if Brandi C. were yelling because there were actually snakes in the limo, like on the plane. But really, Dallas is so right, because Bret was wearing, like, a cow pelt at the last elimination. Shut up, Lacey. Dallas calls Lacey a hypocrite. Lacey denies this, and Dallas animatedly screams that he was wearing leather. And then something happens that's cut, because all of a sudden Dallas is REALLY mad and screaming that she's going to kick Lacey's ass. It's, like, drunken rageoholic stepfather type of screaming. Most of the girls are laughing, but Rodeo looks totally concerned. Dallas says that Lacey is dead to her, and tells her not to get in her face. Brandi C. carries a laughing Lacey out of the limousine while Sam stays behind and calmly asks Dallas not to punch her. To which I say...punch the bitch!
Lacey interviews that you can't just call her a hypocrite and go running off. They were in a limo. She didn't go running off anywhere. If anyone went running off it was Lacey, which makes the above remark a bit hypocritical, don't you think? [Run run run run run run run.] Lacey is going to confront Dallas, but wants to be in the correct attire to do so. She puts on her "I heart PETA" shirt. I love animals and all, but it's bitches like this who give PETA a bad name. Meanwhile, Dallas endeavors to wear every dead animal in the house. Many others are content in helping her put together the greatest leopard print/leather/snakeskin ensemble in the world. It is so hilarious, and just underscores Dallas's superiority in this matter. I mean, they're both crazy, don't get me wrong. But still: Team Dallas. Jes tells us that Dallas strutted her shit in front of Lacey and rubbed it in her face, which is good, because Lacey deserved it. Lacey interviews that no one can cross her like that and get away with it. As Dallas prances Lacey starts yelling at her to listen. When Dallas doesn't, Lacey actually goes up and POKES her in the FOREHEAD. Oooh, shit. You do not DO that. Dallas gives a look and methinks Lacey is going to have to call for assistance from Captain Save-a-Ho momentarily.
Dallas interviews that she really doesn't appreciate it when hos touch her face, and adds that if you want to touch her, hit her, so you can get it on and solve it. Lacey is just standing around going, "Daaallllaaaas! Daaallllaaaas!" which leads Jes to say that she's acting like she's possessed. And looking like it, too. Though, really, who could tell the difference? Lacey is not a pretty girl. She looks a little like the Queen of Hearts from Alice In Wonderland, all flat-faced and jowly. She keeps following Dallas around, and calls her a waste of sperm and egg. Dallas interviews that it's really hard, but that she just has to walk away; otherwise she's going to beat her some honky ass and get thrown out of the house. Lacey interviews that her strategy is just to push and push Dallas's buttons so she'll break down and hit her and get sent home. She is such a jerk. And so annoying! She keeps following Dallas around and touching her, which makes Dallas yell at Lacey not to touch her, which makes Lacey follow her around and touch her more. Lacey is like the kid who just starts repeating everything you say until you want to smack him silly. I am no fan of confrontation, but at this point I would totally deck Lacey, or try to perform some silicone enhanced kung fu.
Dallas gets in a few hearty shoves, but Lacey just keeps coming back at her. Everyone else in the house is totally done with the whole thing, and Rodeo finally has to intervene. She yanks Lacey off Dallas with some force and then, I think, hogties her like Doralee Rhodes did Mr. Hart in a pot-fueled fantasy sequence. At this moment, it all came to me, too: Time magazine says, "Holly Hunter and Anna Paquin reunite for the first time since The Piano in a pole-dancing tour de force. As Lacey, Paquin fully comes into her own as an actress to be reckoned with. The Rock Of Love Story is the year's first great film." Lacey is pissed that Rodeo stopped her purposeful antagonism of Dallas. Rodeo's response? "I might be a southern lady, but I manhandled that bitch." She actually gives a tip of the hat, too. Why hasn't anyone made a talking Rodeo doll yet? She is for sure a staunch character. S-T-A-U-N-C-H. Lacey says that Dallas is lucky to have gotten away from her this time, but tomorrow is a new day. I, like, want Dallas to punch Lacey so hard that she has a Brandi C.-sized disability.
Bret is pumped up for his date with Sam and Magdalena. Both women said they wanted to have a date where they got to know him, so he set up something very romantic to give them insight into his life, after which he'll get insight into their lives. There's a little table with popcorn and snacks set up by the pool, and also a movie screen. The feature attraction? The Making Of Bret Michaels. Yes, it's a documentary all about Bret. I am totally going to do that on my date. "Let's watch this documentary about meeeeeee! I had it made for just such an occasion." Bret's past features some tight sparkly pants, in case you forgot. Have I mentioned that Bret is wearing his formal date ski hat? It does not have sequins on it, sadly.
Bret then learns a little about Sam and Magdalena. Sam says that music is so important to her because she has a learning disability. It sounds like ADD/ADHD. Her creative side is broader, and music was her form of therapy. Bret feels a strong connection to her. They bond over their love of Metallica and Pantera, while Magdalena sits and twiddles her gonads. When Bret turns to her, Maggie tells him that she never was his fan, being from Poland and all. This means that she's there for love. Bret, of course, finds this to be a turn-on. Conjoined twin? Turn-on. One of those pustules that looks like a mole but is actually filled with teeth and hair and stuff? Turn-on. Pictures of you drunkenly making out with your schnauzer? Turn-on.
Bret, Magdalena, and Sam head into the B.A.M.B. room. Maggie knows that Bret is impressed by Sam, so she has a strategy to get her man. This basically involves eating a strawberry and giving him a big slobbery kiss. Bret wants Sam to do the same. She feels awkward in front of Magdalena, and Bret tells her that it's just a little kiss. She interviews that a little kiss is a big deal to her. Nonetheless, they start fully making out while Magdalena just sits there. Magdalena interviews in her Martina Navratilova voice that it was pretty obvious that Bret and Sam did not share just an ordinary kiss. Sam interviews that she heard angels singing. That's actually Van Halen, which I'm sure sounds heavenly compared to all the Poison they've been pumping through the house.
Sam tells Bret that the sexual tension is ridiculous, and that if she wants to have an orgasm, she can't, because everyone else is watching her. Sister, tell me about it. Once I raised my hand in a staff meeting and said the very same thing. It's so annoying. I mean, seriously, who says that? Bret's response? "I'll watch you." He volunteers to help her, and Sam points out that he's kissing and touching a lot of other girls, and that if she spends the night in his bed, there will be another girl in there tomorrow. Sam -- who will be played by Kimberly Stewart in The Rock Of Love Story -- says that she maybe shouldn't have brought up the orgasm, because she wants Bret to judge her for her mind and heart, not on how sexy she is. Oh, just get on the pole with the rest of them. Magdalena thinks that she didn't impress Bret as much as Sam did, but she might have a little advantage, since Sam seems to have some trust issues. Bret was glad to get to know both girls, and now is just super-horny.
Bret Mail! "Motocross was hella fun/The race was great/And four of you -- Magdalena and Sam racked me at the drive-in/Now Brandi M. and Rodeo need some lovin'/It's time for the two of you to have your fun/With a bitchin' day in the L.A. sun." Hella and bitchin' in the same Bret Mail! It's the rebirth of Yeats. Rodeo hopes that fun in the sun equals shirtless Bret. Oh God, I don't think I'm equal to his chest hair. Bret picks up the girls for their date, and en route asks them about the dirt in the house. Rodeo tells Bret that she had to restrain Lacey, and very seriously interviews that she does not want Bret to have that woman around his children. Rodeo and Brandi M. make it very clear that Lacey was out of control, and that they were afraid that she was going to knock Dallas down the stairs. Bret interviews, "To me, Lacey is either going to make passionate love to me, or possibly kill me in my sleep." I don't know why he seems to think these things are mutually exclusive.
The girls and Bret wind up at the store of Ashley Paige, swimsuit designer. Bret says that he's arranged every girl's dream -- to get the hottest bikinis ever tailor-made to fit their bodies by his friend Ashley Paige. Am I stupid if I admit that I totally think that would be awesome and fun? Bikinis! Brandi M. is first, and it does not go unnoticed by Bret that she looks totally hot in her bikini. Rodeo is not skeered, though. She says that Brandi can take her young ass home because all Bret's got his eyes on is her. Rodeo maybe looks a little like vintage Schwarzenegger in her bikini, but Bret doesn't seem to mind. He gets all close up in her business to make sure everything fits fine, which is apparently what a good boyfriend is supposed to do on a date. Is it customary that a good boyfriend brings another ho along with you and does the same with her?
Back at the house, the bad girls start a wall of shame with little drawings of each of the girls, just using "natural facts" about them. Admittedly, they are kind of funny, if remarkably similar to the cave wall scratchings of early man. Hot Hammered Heather, for example, has huge breasts, six arms each holding beer bottles, and is on a pole. When archeologists find this sheet of paper in eight hundred years they'll surmise that she's a fertility goddess of some sort. The drawings feature a lot of boobs. Which, true to life. When it's time to draw Jes, Lacey requests really skinny arms and legs and notes that you can see every bone in her body. She thinks they should start calling her "clavicle." Clever. The drawing is thus labeled "Clavical Jes." And to think Jes called these masters of wit stupid bitches.
Meanwhile, Bret's double date with Rodeo and Brandi M. continues with dinner at the Bel Age hotel. Rodeo drones on and on about her garden, and Brandi M. interviews that when you're out with Rodeo, it's hard to get a word in edgewise. Rodeo tells them that when she was a baby, she had five blood transfusions. Jesus, is there anything not wrong with her? Is she actually the original Baby Lakshmi, too? Is she one of the people who got mauled by a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas Day? Did she have her cryogenically frozen head transplanted on the body of Mr. World 1956? Her grandmother's blood is the one that saved her life. Back then, there was probably no fancy blood lettering system, so they just put the leeches on and hoped for the best. Rodeo then adds that she collects swords. Brandi M.'s response? "I mean, what the fuck? How does she find time for this shit?" Heh. I think I would cast Dixie Chick Natalie Maines, in her film debut, as Brandi M. in The Rock Of Love Story.
Bret asks the women what turns them on. Brandi, between bites of mashed potatoes, calmly states, "Choke me, spank me, pull my hair." Bret asks if there is a rooftop sex room. Brandi burps and snorts, which Bret finds charming. Rodeo interviews that she has a lot of class, and that you just do not do that. We cut back to Rodeo telling Bret that she likes it doggie-style. And really, are there two classier words in the English language? Bret doesn't seem particularly impressed. Overall, though, he thought that the date was great and that he got to learn a lot about the girls' personalities and sexual proclivities.
Back at home, Brandi M. and Rodeo show off their bikinis and Bret tries to get some one-on-one time with the girls he hasn't gotten to know very well. He takes Kristia off to his room and asks if she can deal with his lifestyle, where every night on the road is a party. She says that she's chill about that stuff because she has a life also. Bret says that the conversation basically went nowhere. I'm sure the fact that she looks a fright without her makeup has nothing to do with that. Bret is particularly enamored of her tiny ass, however. He then has some alone time with Sam. He starts in about feeling close to her the night, and she asks him to look at her when he's talking to her. He says he's looking at her legs and her body. She means her face, and he says he looked at that too. What a prize. Brandi C. loves motocross, and Bret likes making out sloppily with Brandi C. Erin continues her debate team list of reasons for staying and says she's not there for TV or to get famous. Bret looks at her heaving bosom and says, "Obviously." Heh.
Oh, and then there's the Lacey/Dallas drama. Bret gets them both on the outside couch. Lacey starts in with the animal stuff, and Dallas basically tells her that she can have her opinions, and that she doesn't care. Dallas isn't there to date Lacey. And I mean, fair enough. Bret interviews that, on the one side, he did grow up hunting and eating meat, and also Lacey is crazy. However, he hasn't really connected with Dallas. Either way, one of them has to go before someone dies.
Elimination! Lacey really wants Dallas to go home, and says she's a cold-hearted, hateful person. Dallas thinks Bret only knows what Lacey told him, and has no idea where he'll go with his decision. Kristia is nervous, since Bret hasn't had much time to get to know her. Sam's worried because she hesitated to kiss Bret. Yeah, but she had the orgasm save. Bret comes out in a red bandana and snakeskin coat. LACEY. There are ten passes, which means two girls are going home tonight. Brandi M. is first to get a pass. Then there's Jes, Heather (whose hair is a marvel and whose stomach in a cut-out dress is the envy of Britney Spears), Rodeo, Brandi C., Erin, Mia, Magdalena, and Sam. This leaves Kristia, Dallas and Lacey, and only one pass left. Bret announces that the tour is ending for Kristia. She's beautiful, but they didn't know enough about each other. Brandi C. totally pretends to cry. So it's down to Dallas and Lacey. Lacey is crazy, but Bret likes that, and he feels more of a connection with her. She gets a pass. Dallas flashes the double Lu (so named for the time I saw Lucinda Williams in New Haven, and several people were watching a Yankees/Red Sox playoff game in the back of the bar and let out a big cheer during her quiet bluesy encore, and she shot up the double bird as she finished the song, and then walked right the fuck off the stage), and interviews that Bret is a fucking idiot. Truer words.
Kristia is very sad and wishes she could have shown Bret that she has a lot of love to offer. Bret calls Dallas to him to say goodbye, and she just blows him right off! HA! I imagine Aretha Franklin popping out of that old Pepsi commercial and saying, "You go, girl!" Lacey jaws at her on her way out about how disrespectful she is, but Dallas could give two rats. Dallas's advice to Bret is to make sure Lacey takes her medication every day, and her words to Lacey are that she can eat her fucking shit. That doesn't sound like a good vegetarian option! Bret's take on the whole Dallas situation? "When someone don't have enough class to even come over and thank you for invitin' them to your house, for treatin' them nice...that's pretty classless." A lack of class making someone classless...well, you hardly ever see that. And they're in such a classful environment, too. Lacey is overjoyed, and plans to pick off all the other girls one by one. Bret and the remaining girls toast to the fact that no one has yet contracted gonorrhea. That we know of.
time: Pole dancing and cat fighting, and maybe a foursome. Until then it's...
Bret's boner comment countdown!
9. "When Sam said to me she wanted an orgasm, from that point on, my date was over. I just wanted to get on Sam."
10. "I had a great date with Magdalena and Sam. I really felt like I was starting to connect to them. However, after Sam told me she need to orgasm, I was about ready to pop. [Cue acoustic version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn."] Date over, I'm horny." [Camera pans out. Offstage: "John, get my insulin!"]
11. [on Brandi M.'s swimsuit fitting] "Brandi looked awesome. Made the old [beep], just made it stand on end."