Before we begin the first season of Rock Of Love proper, I thought it would be nice to take a breeze through the show's casting special. Now, no one is identified by name, but there are some very special ladies that we got to know -- and, most likely, whom we have seen half-naked and swinging upside down from a pole -- throughout the course of the season. So I'll name the folks as I can, except for all the extra dumb girls whose name began with "T" and were only on the first episode or two, because my brain seriously can't spare the cells needed to achieve full recognition. This introductory special features excerpts from the ladies' casting interviews, interspersed with cheesy commentary from Bret. I'll keep him out of it unless he says something witty. In other words, you won't hear from him. So now, for your enjoyment, here are several of the ladies in their own words. Expect to find the following in between Oscar Wilde and Shakespeare in the edition of Notable Quotables.
Rodeo: I'm the type of lady, if...I can have multiple orgasms. It's just 'cause...I don't know why, I don't know, but I do. Especially when I have the vibrators.
Jes: I don't have an age limit. Just, as long as they're not, like, fifty with, like, old wrinkly balls, you know.
Random Girl 1: I don't do the casual sex thing. I've been with fourteen men, and I've been in relationships with all of them.
Random Girl 2: I have a potbellied pig. And a Pez collection.
Random Girl 3: How many people are going to see this?
Lying Casting Guy: Not many.
Random Girl 3: We were doing a photo shoot thing, and, um, I had my period. And obviously, hello, they're shooting my [word mysteriously bleeped out, but she points to her crotch, so you get the drift] [and also...obviously?], so I had to clip the string on the tampon. Apparently I didn't clip the string high enough, and one of the shots that the photographer and the director was like, "Stop stop stop. What is this lint that keeps attaching itself to you?" And so we went over to remove the lint and it was, like, my tampon. They didn't pull it out, but it was there, and it was just like, oh God. I was so embarrassed that I started making, like, weird uncomfortable faces. Kind of like if you have to fart and you're just kind of like [fart face]. You know, you don't really want anyone to know. Or if you accidentally do it, you don't really want people to know it was you. It's kind of like [fart face].
Heather: I'm like, listen. I'm a dancer out in Vegas, I've got a hot rack. I'll show you my boobs and maybe even [boob shimmy] if you can get me and my friends in. It's like, so funny how far, like, a boob goes.
Random Girl 4: For my sixteenth birthday, my dad got me my first rifle. We go hog hunting in the middle of the night, because that's what we do. I mean, you go early morning hours, or way way way late at night. And you have your rifle and you drive around and just wait for the hogs to come out, and just kind of get fucked up and shoot stuff. That's what you do in the country.
Random Girl 5: Fat guys usually love me [laughs]. I will not dance for a guy that I am attracted to just for the simple fact that I'm afraid, I don't know, I might molest him in the back or something.
Random Girl 6: For Halloween, I was Wonder Woman. I have a great Wonder Woman twirl. [Twirls.] I have natural boobs, but I'd love some fake ones. I have to wear a pushup bra to get them where I want them, and I'd like just not to wear a bra at all. I'd be much happier if I didn't have to worry about that.
Casting Guy: This is the guy, who's going to be the person [holds up photo].
One of the T girls, the really dumb one: Who is that?
Casting Lady: Bret Michaels.
Dumb T: Oh, he was the one that I put down that I hoped was...Oh my God!
Casting Guy: He was number one on your list.
Dumb T: He is? Oh yeah, no, I know. Ha ha.
Casting Guy: Since you signed the confidentiality agreement we can tell you -- it's Bret Michaels from Poison.
Random Girl 7: Oh it is? Oh, good. Is he old, though?
Casting Guy: So how did you get the bruise on your behind?
Random Girl 8: Well...sometimes when you yell, "Spank me," they spank a little too hard.
Erin: I've had 'em done twice. [And if you don't immediately know what she's talking about, you've never seen Erin.] Once when I was nineteen, and then I just recently got them redone. Actually, this is funny -- August 28, that was our anniversary date. I wouldn't even take off my shirt during any kind of, um, during sex, during anything for the first month.
Casting Guy:When's the last time you flashed your boobs?
Random Girl 10: I flashed them last week for a fire truck going by.
Terrifying Random Girl 11: I had a midget fetish and I wanted to...fuck a midget. So I came back from Hawaii, and I set out on a quest to find some midget love. I was never, like, into the weird things that I've been asked to do.
Her Kid [offscreen]:Mommy...I just wanna go home.
Terrifying Random Girl 12: I know you don't feel good, honey, we've gotta do this. We have to work. You need to stop.
1 2 3 4
Her Kid [offscreen]: I wanna go!
Terrifying Random Girl 12: It doesn't matter. You need to sit down in that chair and be quiet. I promised you some ice cream. You can have some ice cream if you sit down in that chair and be quiet. [Pause.]
Casting Guy: Piercings?
Dallas: I saw an ad in the paper to be a geisha, and I was like, you know, "Dallas loves trips, and Dallas loves free trips, so why the fuck not go to Japan and be a geisha?"
Random Girl 12: I designed his fiery tattoo that's in Japanese, and I actually researched it, Japanese flaming letters, and it went right above my ass, and it said "Exit Only."
Casting Girl: So you had to act like Marilyn Monroe?
Brandi C.: Yeah, you had to be in character at all times.
Casting Girl: Do something for me.
Brandi C.: Oh, just very dainty, just like, [high baby voice] "Oh, oh, oh thank you." Like, very, kind of...not really drunk, but kind of just...[high baby voice] "Oh, very girly, very, oh thank you, dainty!"
Tiffany: I'm in the PTA. [You and Janice Dickinson, honey.] Special talents? I can...[moves boobs...without touching them!] I do it to music, whatever.
Random Aged Lady 13: Here's the bottom line, it's like, if you're not putting out, your man's leaving you. That's the bottom line, isn't it? Have I learned in my life, or have I learned in my life? If you're not putting out, your man's going somewhere else. So this rock star's not going anywhere.
Random Lady 14: My boobs...these are mine. My boobs. They're big now because I'm gonna start my period. They'll go down.
Random Girl 15: We're waiting for the car, and she kind of sort of sat in the planter and passed out in the bush.
Random Girl 16: You know, it's getting hot and heavy, we're about to get it on and his pants come off...he has one leg. I know, it's hilarious. He had one leg, the other one was prosthetic. And I was like, oh my God, I didn't know what to do. I'm sitting there, like, um..."I've gotta work. I've gotta go, I'm sorry." So I call up my friend Kathy and I'm like, "Oh my God, I almost had sex with a one-legged man! I'm, like, freaking out." [If she had made it on the show, she could also brag that she had had sex with a three legged man.] She's like, "I thought you knew." I was like, "How would I know?" She's like, "Well he was wearing shorts, you know, when he sat down didn't you kind of see, like, the little plastic part?"
1 2 3 4
Faith: Usually we drink so much alcohol that it's...I'm not really sure about a lot of the details.
Random Other Terrifying Girl 17: She had grabbed the back of my hair, put my head on the bar, I grabbed a bottle, smacked the bottle across the bar, took it up to her throat and said, "Do you really wanna start this?"
Yes, it's the cream of the crop of humanity! And believe you me, this is just one small step on the silicone Mount Everest that is Rock Of Love. If your genitals are already starting to burn and itch just from the television waves, be comforted by the fact that you are not alone.
1 2 3 4