Previously: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Let us all be comforted that in the year in which He took two of television's brightest shining stars, Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly, He also gave us Rock Of Love. A belated birthday shout-out goes to the heavenly father.
We begin in the morning, with the girls sleeping off their night of debauchery -- some harder than others, Tiffany -- and Bret in the gym. I...don't think he really knows how to use that equipment. He has sixteen "of the most gorgeous women in the world" left. Has the syphilis made Bret go blind, do you think? In any case, he needs to get to know them more intimately. That's right -- it's the handjob episode!
Tiffany is clearly still the talk of the house. Lacey notes that Tiffany got plowed and really didn't make a good first impression. We get a little flashback sequence, including one previously unseen moment of Tiffany slurring, "So how 'bout the Bearssssssss?" She is truly the John Goodman of buxom alcoholic redheads. She is considered a drunken mess among girls who really like to drink, so you do the math. The fact that Tiffany is still in the house makes Lacey raise an eyebrow, but she thinks she'll be gone soon enough. Tiffany says that she got a little extreme on the first night, and that today is just going to be more low-key.
Meanwhile, Erin is telling some of the other girls about her ex-fiancé. Turns out she was supposed to be getting married this May. The others are shocked. And then who should be standing on the stairs eavesdropping like Mr. Furley but Heather. Also like Mr. Furley, Heather apparently has one bad ear, because she missed the "ex" part. She can't believe Erin has a fiancé, and is determined to get Erin's phony ass (and circus boobs) out of there. Erin adds that her fiancé told her he didn't love her anymore, and that was the end. When even circus boobs can't keep a man, it's a bad scene.
As it turns out, to hang with a rock star you have to drink all day long, so the girls hit the bar early. I find no fault with that. If I could start every day with a couple well-appointed mimosas, I'd be a much more pleasant person. Heather says that she got the party started, and some of the girls form a little band on the stage. It sounds like glass breaking and cats wailing. Bret, thinking his old bandmates have come for a little action, leaves the weight machine and rushes into the main part of the house. Once Bret joins in with the band, women flock to the pole in their bikinis and/or underwear. Rodeo coins a move where she grabs her boobs under her bikini top and slithers. I could maybe not see Holly Hunter doing that, exactly. But I'm sure The Rock Of Love Story director Brett Ratner will take her to new heights. Jes is grossed out, and doesn't associate herself with the pole-dancing ilk. How did she ever get on this show?
The band takes a break, but the partying continues, and there is a definitely a faction forming between the girls who "put themselves out there" on the pole and that sort of thing, and those who don't. Dallas interviews that the house turned into one of those strip clubs by the airport that are filled with fat chicks with huge implants. One might note that Dallas is an astute observer of her environs. The more demure girls -- a.k.a. the skinnier chicks with huge implants -- sit outside; Magdalena says she's not going to get naked. At least until she gets confirmation that Bret is cool with chicks with dicks. Someone asks when they get to be alone with him, and Magdalena says, "When you take your panties off." Sam, a true romantic, doesn't believe that. She interviews that there is a definite split between the slutty outgoing girls -- Tawny, Lacey, Heather, Rodeo, Kristia, Brandi C. -- and the bitchy introverted girls who are not as whorish -- Erin, Magdalena, Jes, Sam, Tamara and Dallas. Brandi M. must straddle the line, Faith isn't going to be on long enough to count, and I assume Tiffany is on a special list that is just called "???????." Meanwhile, the slutty outgoing girls are still partying with Bret. He says he's as guilty as they are, and they're all guilty among their flesh. And all sort of scaly among their flesh, too, I bet. Thanks for the sermon. He has a surprise, though, so he has to bail for a little while.
Lacey goes out to talk to some of the bitchy introverted girls. She thinks it's an effort to get to know them -- Jes in particular -- while they think it's a pathetic attempt, and mock her to her face and blow her off. Jes interviews that she doesn't want anything to do with Lacey and her bimbo posse. Lacey goes back inside with a report, and deems her bimbo posse "Group A" and/or the partying group. The other girls are bitches with sticks up their asses, and Lacey is ready to take some of them out. First on her list is Jes, whom Lacey thinks has a superior attitude. Lacey concocts a plan with Brandi C. to throw a fully clothed Jes in the pool. Brandi C. must wimp out, because it's a solo Lacey who runs over and gets Jes in a chokehold, and then drags her into the pool. This is dangerous not only because Jes could drown, but because her bottle of beer goes flying and breaks. Glass in the pool! Are you okay? Are you okay? Call EMS! Jes is really pissed, and tells Lacey to get the fuck away from her. Lacey and some other girls mock her as she goes to take a shower. You know, I know Lacey's shtick is that she thinks she's being delightfully evil, but she's really just a huge asshole. And not even a nice waxed stripper asshole.
Big John comes down to deliver Bret Mail. It's in the form of a song. A not totally rhyming and most likely atonal song, but a song nonetheless. "Now it's time for you to get dressed/And find out which gives phone the best/When I'm on the road, when I'm on tour/I'm away from my baby and it's a bore/I need a love who can get on the phone/Get me hot and give me a...good time." Oh wait! But it's not done! It's like a freaking Dostoevsky novel. "The three of you who light my flame/Will win the first date of this here game/So be creative and make me hot/Because tomorrow some will stay, and some will not." The "A Team" or "Varsity Squad" is sure that hot phone sex is a task for them. Tiffany wonders if she might need a drink to be more creative. It is a classic rule of drama that the glass of chardonnay in the hand in the first act must lead to slurring and calling other girls cuntwads in the third, right? Tiffany has a glass of red and a glass of white. We see footage of her drinking copiously and acting a fool, but much of it is obviously from the first episode, because she is wearing her tight purple dress with the genital warts for buttons. Do the editors really need to try to make her look drunker?
The girls get dressed in their hot lingerie and go downstairs where they meet....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHH! Is it Peter Frampton? Is it a hairless Chinese crested dog? Is it a person with that disease that makes you compulsively pluck out hair from the top of your skull? Is it the Heat Miser with a straight iron taken to him? No, it's Bret without his bandana!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Seriously, you guys. Seriously. Bret is wearing flame-patterned pajamas and possibly has prehensile feet. Oh my God, I can't even concentrate on what he's saying. THE HAIR! THE HAIR! Oh, shit. Holy shit fuckballs. It's like a mangy lemur just dropped right there and decided to take a nap. Okay, whooooo, composure.
Basically, Bret's out on the road a lot, and for a relationship to work, his lady has to be able to get him off the Alexander Graham Bell way. He'll be sequestered, and each woman will have to talk dirty to him over the phone. The three who do the best will get to go on a date with him. How will they tell who does best? A not actual doctor named Dr. Roy is hooking up a device to Bret's penis that will measure the blood flow. The device will be attached to a Commodore 64, and there will be charts and graphs. It's all very scientific. Bret won't be able to tell who he's talking to, and thinks that's what makes this great.
The girls pick numbers to determine their order. Brandi C. is up first, and talks about a dream she had where Bret ate food off her. Heather has apparently fashioned a poem that goes, "I'm gonna make this short and sweet/Cause then I got a lot of hoochies to delete/I'm not gonna be a whore/I'm just gonna adore." It's like the rebirth of Emily Dickinson. She certainly spent a lot of time on the pole, in only her petticoats. Brandi M. growls like a tiger, and all I can say is, OMG BRET'S HAIR!! His little wispy bangs are stuck to his sweaty forehead in desire. Okay, sorry. We then have Tamara who, like, gives an account of her day. Too dumb for phone sex. That's very sad. Bret hangs up on her and tells Dr. Roy that if you got a reading on the machine, it was purely by accident and he jumped a cord or something. It's then time for Magdalena, who some of the other girls call "Magdeanderthal." Because she's so tall. Uh...well, don't think about it too much. And if they're going to go that route, why not try "Cro-Magdalenon"? Magdalena sings a little song that she wrote about God hearing her prayer, and Bret hangs up before he has the opportunity to hear her rhyme "Bret-tay" with "sweat-tay." Sweetness. Heather asks if this is 1-900-DRAG-QUEEN. It is true that Magdalena has the dulcet speaking voice of Ed Asner. Bret does not have a boner. Just in time to save the day is Erin, who puts on a British accent and tells Bret she's going to be his dirty nanny. Boner revived. And then fucking cheeseball Lacey gets on the phone and says, "When you're not here with me, it's like the wind has been removed from my sails." The other girls crack up. Lacey says she'll treat Bret like a king, and he replies, "I like being a king." He thinks that Lacey was pure poetry. It's like the back of a Celestial Seasonings box. Hot. We then have Tiffany, who is a blubbering mess and mentions something about ring around the bedpost and boxing lessons. Bret says, "Wassagoinon," but not in a good way. Bret implores her to get him hot. Tiffany's response? "Don't threaten me with a good time." Brooke is a little tentative, and the boner reading flatlines. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Rodeo. She is literally wearing a pearl necklace, okay? She breathes heavily and tells Bret that she wants to press him up against her and have him, well, you know. The bad news is that if the writers' strike keeps going, the dialogue in The Rock Of Love Story will have to be this, verbatim. Holly Hunter is crossing her fingers for a speedy resolution.
Bret, still bandana-less, gives the girls their critiques. Tiffany, Faith, and Tamara made his member flatline. The girls who gave him permaboner were Erin, Rodeo, and Lacey. Bret tells them they'll go on a triple date with him tomorrow, and heads off to take his fourth cold shower of the night. Meanwhile, Brandi C. is mad that Erin won a date. She tells Erin she wants to kick her. When Erin gets offended, Brandi says she was just trying to say that she's jealous, and that Erin was too fucking stupid to realize it. Erin says that if Brandi C. wants to see stupid, she should look in the mirror, and then proceeds to do a kind of sucky Brandi C impersonation. Brandi says that Erin's jealous because she's beautiful and Erin isn't, and Erin replies that Brandi is beautiful in the meth world and nicknames her "trailer park hooker dog." I didn't know there were hooker dogs, even in trailer parks! The hooker pimps are all totally Chihuahuas in little sparkly purple hats. Brandi points out that Erin has clown tits, which, point, and Erin insults Brandi's lower intelligence and says she doesn't want to look at her meth-scratched face any longer. And, oooooh. Turns out the scratches on Brandi's face are from a car accident. Kristia thinks this is a low blow, and notes that the comment really hurt Brandi C. And really, it's the age-old debate. Is making fun of the scars on someone's face worse than making fun of their clown tits? Kind of, it is. Is anyone else besides me surprised that this scuffle wasn't taken to fruition in a kiddie pool full of chocolate pudding?
Elsewhere in catfighting, Heather shows the others a negligee that her dog chewed up, and Dallas says she should kill it. She notes that she only eats and wears animals. Lacey interviews that she's really passionate about PETA, and thinks that Dallas is a heartless, hateful bitch. Have I mentioned that during all of this, the girls are still in their lingerie? Oh, you just assumed? Okay. Lacey and Dallas antagonize each other until finally Lacey says she can't share a room with Dallas anymore. Brandi C. is also packing up and moving away from Erin. She tells the other girls that Erin made fun of her car accident, conveniently leaving off the part where she said Erin was clown-titted and fucking stupid. Heather is pissed, since Brandi C. is one of her girls, and is also still all riled up about the fiancé thing. She says that the shit's going to hit the fan and Erin will be sorry. I bet that house always smells like the shit and/or cheese has hit the fan.
Brandi C., still in her underwear, and Kristia go have a talk with Bret about Erin's mean comment. Turns out Brandi was in a car accident last year and had forty-seven stitches in her face. Well, at least she has a reason for the two pounds of makeup, I guess. Brandi whines that Erin made her cry. Bret is shocked, but interviews that he knows that under those humongous DDs there was a heart of gold. Brandi says her face is like a disability because it's something she can't help, and asks whether, if she were in a wheelchair, it would be something to make fun of. And really, Brandi has plenty of other disabilities that one could make fun of, so there's no reason to go for the low blow. In any case, Brandi C. being so upset makes Bret both upset and horny. Brandi hopes that this is enough to make Erin get the boot.
Big John greets the girls with some more Bret Mail. It says, "Good morning my sweet ladies/For the three girls who made me quiver/Let's spend some time alone/The rest of you who didn't deliver/You have to stay at home./Get ready for tonight my girls/You know the stakes are high/Four of you will pack your bags/And have to say goodbye." Date plus elimination! That's a packed Bret Mail. Erin is excited for her date, and says she wants to show Bret a little bit and get him to want more. To think that there is more clown boob that we have not yet seen is truly terrifying. Bret picks up Erin, Rodeo, and Lacey. Heather says that Erin had better enjoy it while she can: "'Cause you'll be out of here soon, broad." I am totally going to start calling people "broad." It'll make me sound stripper-tough, even though my skin won't look like literal Teflon, à la Heather.
Bret takes his three dates to Jim Henson Studios, where musicians love to record. There they meet Don Was, whom Bret tells us is one of the greatest producers ever. He's also one of the only men living who can claim to have walked the dinosaur. The girls help themselves to a drink, naturally, and Bret plays them his latest crappy track in process. It is to music what his hair is to follicular degeneration. And for a special treat, Bret wants each of the girls to contribute to it. He takes Lacey into the studio first, and she adds some high harmony on the chorus, which has something to do with December and remembering. At least it wasn't a moon in June. Lacey's voice makes me want to stab out my eye. I know that doesn't make any sense. It's a visceral reaction. She, of course, reminds us that she's a true musician and says that's where their bond started. They make out, and I again want to cut out my tongue. I shall have no body parts left by the time the season is over. Maybe one finger. Actually...no.
up is Rodeo, who is wearing, like, a stripper ballgown. Bret asks her if she's ready to give it to him, musically speaking, and she replies with her patented, "Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" She says that contributing to Bret's music is a dream come true, and adds that it's almost like they were in tune together. "Almost" being the operative word. But the great part about Rodeo is that she doesn't even have to sing! She just moans roughly on beat. Don Was -- who I'm sure has seen some crazy bitches in his day -- just laughs. Rodeo interviews, "Oh my God, did I get aroused. Oh, shit! Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" This is followed by "I'm turned on. I could actually have an orgasm if I had to. Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH! I'm sorry." Oh, Rodeo. Believe you me, I am sorry, too. Lacey doesn't see Rodeo as a threat at all, but her eons-long makeout session with Bret on the couch might suggest that, in fact, she is. However, the batshit crazy factor might bear out Lacey's point.
Finally, there is Erin. Her clown tit-to-waist ratio is really something to behold. She is not musically inclined and has no experience in the studio. What does Bret think of this? You guessed it. Turn-on. A beard thicker than Don Was's? Turn-on. A goiter mysteriously coming out of the left armpit? Turn-on. Bret gets behind Erin as she writhes and does dirty nanny speak into the microphone. He then interviews, totally seriously, "Her moaning and groaning actually brought the song to a new level." Tchaikovsky once said the same. Erin talks to Bret about how she's smart and not that aggressive and sexual but not a slut and he admits to us that he can't take his eyes off of her clown tits. And, I mean, if you have honeydew-sized knockers, I think that's part of the goal, so you can't fault the guy for this.
Back at the house, the bad girl A Team Varsity Squad celebrates its superiority in all things by writing "A Team" in nail polish on a sheet of lined paper. Jes's response? "Stupid bitches." Jes is my kind of girl. In the studio, Bret and the girls get to listen to the horrible, horrible track. Bret says he hears a hit, and Don Was just kind of laughs and looks at his watch. Overall, Bret is happy about the experience because it taught him a lot about the girls' personalities, and also gave him the opportunity to suck face.
Oh, and then it's time to dredge up the controversy we almost forgot about. Heather goes around and starts talking about how Erin has a boyfriend at home. Could she not consult, like, one source who talked to Erin directly about this? It's this kind of shenanigan that got us into the Iraq war. "Erin's hiding a weapon of mass destruction in her clown boob! Invade!" With impending elimination, the A Team decides that Bret needs to know Erin's engaged. The fact that she actually isn't engaged is of no consequence.
Bret and his three dates return home, and he tells us that he needs to take a last shot at getting to know some of the women whom he hasn't yet connected with. He says a few girls about how cool Don Was is, and Tamara blankly blinks. Bret interviews, "Here's the thing with Tamara. No connection and dumb as a box of rocks. Listen, the bottom line is, she's fucking hot. I'm figuring maybe after a little miscommunication, our bodies can just do the talking." It's nice to see a man with such high standards. Tiffany is nervous about being eliminated, so she cracks open a bottle of wine. Meanwhile, the A Team shares with Lacey the fact that Erin has a boyfriend. Lacey says that Erin is not there for Bret, and definitely needs to go home. But Erin doesn't...oh, never mind.
Heather, taking the horn by the balls, sits Bret down outside and tells him that Erin is supposed to get married in May. Bret is blindsided, and pissed. And with eliminations coming up, he says, he has to start weeding out the ones who aren't there for him. Heather is glad she and Bret got to spend some time together. She kisses him and leaves, and Bret totally stares at her ass as she walks away. He then asks Big John to grab Erin for him. Bret tells her that two girls told him that she has a really serious relationship and/or is married. He asks if this is true, and Erin replies, "Oh hell no." She clarifies to us that she has an ex-boyfriend and ex-fiancé and that's it, and says that someone is trying to get her kicked off because she's a threat. Actually, I think they're trying to get her off because they hate her, but no matter. Bret then asks John to grab Heather. The three sit on the bench together. Awkward! Heather admits that she did tell Bret that Erin was going to get married in May. Erin says that they broke up, and Heather is all, "I just had his best interests at heart." Erin's not buying it. And seriously, this is when Heather maybe needs to apologize for being an ill-informed nebby stank tattletale. The drama is driving Bret crazy, and he knows he has a decision to make because someone is going home tonight.
Elimination! Heather is nervous because she might have gone too far. Tiffany hopes Brenda will go home. Brenda? Yeah. Brandi C. really wants Erin to go home, and says that she should be worried. She is. Bret appears in a cowskin coat and a paisley America-themed cowboy hat with matching red bandana. Hey, as long as he keeps the top of that noggin covered it's all right with me. He calls Rodeo first again to get her backstage pass. Rodeo narrates the whole thing: "Bret says, 'Big John, hand me the VIP pass.' And it was the first one. And it was for me." I think that actually was Holly Hunter. Will Rodeo continue to rock Bret's world? Yes she will. Jes is called , much to Lacey's chagrin. Tamara actually looks like she might have fallen asleep for a minute. Bret then calls Lacey, much to Jes's chagrin. And Dallas's chagrin. Bret calls Mia, Magdalena, and Dallas. Lacey thinks she's going to have to do something to get Dallas out of there. Sam is called , followed by Brandi M., Brandi C., and Kristia.
There are two passes left. Bret says that the person called helped him out a lot tonight with a situation. It's Heather. It was a situation that she caused! Oh, men. Erin is pretty nervous. Tawny interviews that girls with boyfriends shouldn't be there, and that she hopes Bret sends the right girl home. Have we not established that Erin doesn't have a boyfriend? Are we really going to have to beat on a log? Bret says that before he tells everyone who the last girl is, he's going to tell them who it isn't. He announces that Faith, Tiffany, Tawny, and Tamara are leaving. He calls her Ta-MAR-a, but then in an interview calls her TAM-a-ra, and says the lights are on but nobody's home, adding, "What a fucking waste." It is kind of a sad statement when you are too dumb for Bret Michaels of Poison.
This, of course, means that Erin is safe. Heather interviews, "What the fuck is this? He's keeping Erin? This is such bullshit. Erin is an airhead with circus tits. She needs to leave." Something about Heather's passionate grime is kind of charming. Bret asks Erin for serious if she has a boyfriend, and she tells him she does not. He interviews that his heart told him Erin was telling the truth, and that someone like her could turn out to be a great person, so that's why he's giving her a second chance. But, like, she doesn't even deserve to...oh, never mind. Tawny is super-bitter about leaving, especially when Bret's keeping girls who have boyfriends and are engaged. But...oh, never mind. Tiffany says that Bret missed out on the person he could take home to mom. Faith? Tiffany then spits. Oh, Tiff. I'll miss you. Faith says that she's too good for Bret, and that what she's looking for in a person is probably opposite of what he is looking for. Faith doesn't want a man with gigantic knockers? Her loss. Tamara interviews, "I think this is a good time for me to make my exit. This is good. Not bad. Although Bret was good, too. Maybe. Not that I would know." We see her go up the stairs, and then there is some rattling of doors. Bret yells up that she has to go out the front door. Tamara interviews that maybe if she were smarter, she'd be there longer and adds that the correct pronunciation of her name is TAM-a-ra. NOW who's the dumb one, Bret?
The kept women toast. Erin says that if the catty bitches want to get rid of her, she's going to give them a dose of their own medicine. I'll bet it's illegal to carry around that medicine without a prescription. Or it's the kind of Sudafed you have to get behind the counter. In either case, I can't wait.
...motocross! And Rodeo has to manhandle her a bitch. But first it's...
Bret's boner comment countdown!
6. [On telling Erin she gives good phone sex] "That English thing? I'm like, ba-bing!"
7. [On telling Rodeo she gives good phone sex] "That bad boy went up and stayed up! It never came back down!"
8. [On Brandi C. crying because Erin made fun of her meth-scratched face] "When she spoke in that little titmouse voice, it just turned me on beyond any belief."