Yes, bitches, that's right. TWoP is weecapping Rock Of Love. Grab your bandana and hold on tight, because we're going to give you the ride of your life.
We begin with a voice-over, explaining the concept of the show. "Outside this Bel Air bachelor pad twenty-five babes have gathered, 'cause they have two things in common: their love for rock n' roll, and for one man who's made it his life." Well, I know it's still rock n' roll to Billy Joel. Is he really still that desirable to the silicone set? In fact, no! The man in question is, of course, Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison, who has sold 20 million records. Two of which might have belonged to me. WHEN I WAS TWELVE. WHAT? I also had permed bangs. The onset of puberty was a very confusing time. We get some vintage footage of Bret, and are reminded that he wants us to talk dirty to him, and needs nothing but a good time. So he's an undemanding mate, which seems like it could be a positive quality.
Bret spends nine months out of the year on the road. Like, on the side of the road, selling zucchini from his garden? Because I didn't realize Poison was so in demand in the late 2000s. Rock n' roll is the reason for, and destruction of, all of Bret's relationships, he says. You may note that this sentence really doesn't stand up to a rigorous grammatical test. Consider it a primer. Oh, and ha! This turn to more meaningful matters cues the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I hope you enjoy this song, because you'll be hearing a lot of it. Bret says that when he was fifteen years old, he was handed the secret to love. And I quote: "There's plenty of women out there that you want to be friends with, and there's a lot of women out there you want to have sex with; but if you can find one that you can be friends with and have sex with, henceforth, Rock Of Love." If you find that sentence to be confusing, have a gander at the show's Bret Michaels-penned (I'm sure, because it's so dumb) theme song: "Hey, I'll show you things you've never seen/ Touch my backstage pass, ride my limousine/ Please let me be your rock of love!" "Touch my backstage pass" doesn't even make enough sense to actually be dirty.
In any case, Bret has a nice house in the desert and a motocross track and lots of money and two daughters. When VH1 offered him the opportunity to meet "twenty-five of the most beautiful women in the world," he couldn't refuse. When is that going to happen? Will it be filmed? Was he made to do this show as a sort of purgatory en route to such a wonderful prize? Bret had his best friend and security guard, Big John, find a pad and soup it up in preparation. He knows in his heart, soul, and loins that one of these women is going to be the one for him. Lesson being: never trust your loins. They lie. Bret is looking for the one woman who understands that rock n' roll, though an insatiable bitch goddess, is his true passion, and who is comfortable being a part of that threesome.
The twenty-five women wait for Bret to arrive. We get some lip service from several of them about how they're going to win him over, and then Erin of the giant boobs says, "I was named Miss Hooters of Illinois, and I have the tools to get what I want because of that." Miss Hooters of Illinois 1968, Hillary Clinton, once said the same. Bret arrives on his motorcycle, which is cause for lots of cheering and jiggling, and asks the women whether they're ready to rock the house. Several of the girls note how much they want to fuck Bret, are in love with him, or consider him hot. It is indeed the first reality show catering to the visually impaired, and VH1 is to be commended for breaking down hackneyed stereotypes. Bret is wearing his formal red bandana, which could really cause anyone's panties to get doused. He says he got fired up when he pulled up and found twenty-five of the "most hottest" women he's ever seen. They're going to have the most kick-assingest awesomest time ever.
Bret introduces the girls to Big John, and then heads off to take his weekly shower. Big John states some very official-sounding rules: 1) Nobody enters Bret's room unannounced; 2) Please don't touch the guitars; 3) Please don't puke in the Jacuzzi. I think those seem reasonable. Big John then picks several women to "hang tight." They are: Meredith, Tiffany, Kim, Kelly, and Pam. The women not picked are anxious and wondering what's going on, but Big John tells them to go in the house and make themselves comfortable. The five who remain think they're getting some sort of special prize, but really Big John tells them that their tour ends here. Yes, they're getting the boot. So grimy! Pam says that this is shit, and Kelly -- whose face appears to be burnt to a crisp -- says that she came all the way from Chicago only to be humiliated. Tiffany says that she came here to get her man, and that she isn't going home. As we will soon see, those are some truly ominous words.
The other girls enter the house excitedly and head straight for the bar. Tamara -- who, we will soon discover, is not the brightest bulb, even by comparison to the other contestants -- drops a beer nut down her sizable cleavage. Purple-haired Lacey sees a stage with instruments in the corner, and starts to play the drums. She's a musician, which she thinks will make her stand out. She is also apparently a fellatician, which won't hurt either.
Meanwhile, bubbly giant-chested blonde Brandi C. approaches bubbly giant-chested blonde Kristia, and the two decide that they should be best friends and girlfriends and that Bret is their boyfriend. Brandi C. tells another contestant that they're smart Barbies, and Kristia notes that if they put their boobs together they can think better. I must confess that I find these two rather enjoyable, and not only because they're what I think would result if God gave the gift of life to two blow-up dolls.
Just when everything is going smoothly, there is a pounding at the door. It's rejected Tiffany, who tells us that there is no way she is leaving. Big John agrees to have a tête-à-tête with her, and Tiffany argues that she should get to stay because she's a big fan and even had a hat made. And I mean, I guess that's as good a reason as any. It might be noted that Tiffany is one of the more mature contestants, and by the looks of it has treated her body like a temple...of doom. She's a little haggard, is all I'm saying. Tiffany begs John and says that she had a hat made and will do anything. If we saw John having a mental flashback of all the blowjobs he's received in the last twenty years, it would basically be this scene played repeatedly. John tells Tiffany to get her bags and head into the house. This holiday season, let us all say a special prayer of thanks to Big John. The other girls, let me tell you, are not too thrilled about this development, and Brandi M. wonders whose dick Tiffany sucked to gain reentry. Um, Big John's. I thought it was obvious.
Elsewhere, there is an impromptu boob convention happening. Brandi C. compliments Erin's Capitol Building-sized knockers, and interviews that she thinks there are only two girls in the house with natural breasts. There is something called gummi bear boobs, which Erin has, and Brandi is excited to feel them. They are apparently not as jelly-feeling as silicone boobs. This has been one to grow on. Brandi C. says that her boobs are the best gift she got from her parents last year. And to think I was psyched to get a Bose CD player.
Big John tells the girls to get into a single-file line, because it's time for them to meet Bret. Rodeo -- who wears a cowboy hat and is also a more mature contestant, and whose given name, I don't think, is actually "Rodeo" -- notes that she was, of course, first in line, and then laughs like this: "Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" The crazy just wafts off her like the latest Designer Impostors Obsession knockoff. Bret emerges from his room, which has the letters "B.M.B." painted on it in a font that looks eerily similar to Gwen Stefani's "L.A.M.B." logo. We'll call it the B.A.M.B. room. He's sporting both a black bandana AND a cowboy hat, because sometimes the hairplugs need a dark, moist environment in which to thrive. Tamara, who looks suspiciously like Shania Twain, says that Bret's the hottest rock star ever. As previously stated: dumb as rocks. Bret is going to photograph each of the girls, because he wants to look at their faces and personalities through the lens. Plus, you can zoom on the boobs.
Rodeo and her frighteningly cut body are up first. Magdalena, in a voice that is Bea Arthur by way of James Earl Jones, sarcastically says that she's sure Bret likes Rodeo's manly muscles. This show is irony's foster parent. Rodeo goes in for a big kiss, which gets whoops from the crowd. Tiffany is , and goes for her kiss before the photo. Tawny is grossed out, because she doesn't want the remnants of Tiffany's saliva to end up on her own lips. Indeed, it might have the same effect as sucking on the toilet handle at a McDonalds on I-95. You'd at least contract flesh-eating bacteria, I would think. Bret, in his blue interview bandana, says that when he looked at Tiffany there was a part of her that said, "Make love to me right now," and there was a part of her that said, "I'm on a lot of chemicals right now." The two sentiments are rarely mutually exclusive. He adds, "Strange...but it just kind of turned me on." Which, by the way, sit tight for Bret's boner comments countdown at the end of this (and every!) recap! If there is enough space left on the internet.
A few more girls get shot, and we then get to Polish Magdalena of the man-voice, who says she saw how Bret was kissing other girls, and was going to settle for nothing less. And then, grossness. Watching other people French kiss seriously makes me want to cut out my tongue. Bret gets a boner and interviews about how perfect Magdalena's legs were, noting their unique quality of going all the way up to her ass. Oh, and in case I haven't mentioned it already, everyone has HUGE boobs. There is lots of moaning on Bret's part as he photographs a bunch of girls and tells them how hot they are. We also get a couple of duds, who are distinctly unsexy. This is probably good, because it gives Bret's blood a chance to circulate through other parts of his body. The man's hands were getting numb!
And then, it's Heather's turn. She tells us that everyone was doing her thing, but that she wanted to stand out a bit more. She says that the other dumb-assed broads don't know shit about sexy; she'll show them sexy. As soon as Bret starts to snap photos, she pulls her halter to one side and flashes a boob. And, you know, points for ingenuity there. Whenever I think of flashing, my mind immediately goes to the horizontal shirt lift. The vertical single side boob is a real innovation in the field. Capitol Building boobs Erin says that she's not going to reduce herself to a stripper whore level, and derisively notes that Heather is a thirty-two-year-old stripper flashing her tits on TV. Irony is getting a visit from its case worker right now, but more importantly...I AM THIRTY-TWO! Either Heather is lying, or the UV rays are twice as strong when reflected on a stripping pole. She looks like she's a well-preserved 112. Nonetheless, Bret needs a cold shower.
After the photo shoot, it's time for Bret to get to know the girls. It's like, all these women hanging out and waiting to throw themselves at the one available douchebag wandering around thinking he has game, which reminds me of pretty much every non-gay Vassar party I attended. Bret chats up Lacey, who tells him she's from Dallas. Brandi C. wants some one-on-one time, and so she comes over and squeaks that she wants Bret to teach her how to play pool. He tells her to give him two minutes. A random giant-breasted blonde throws herself on the couch with him, followed by Mia and Magdalena, the latter of whom is carrying her purse around like she's Sophia Petrillo. Brandi C. is annoyed that the other bitches are getting Bret's attention. She squeaks at him again, and he tells her to give him sixty seconds, and then heads off with a couple of the other women. Brandi C. thinks this sucks.
Outside, Faith -- who is way too pretty to be there -- asks Bret what his goal is in all of this. He says that he's led a wild and crazy life on the road, and, one might surmise, has had a lot of anonymous sex, but is now ready to get away from the craziness and "partyingness" and to find someone special. He then says something that involves him pounding his fists together and requires both a beep-out and a black bar across his lips. Faith looks a little offended. Bret interviews that this much communication is difficult for him. Much easier to grunt like caveman.
Bret then gets some one-on-one time with Tamara, of whom he says she is probably one of the most beautiful women he's ever looked at. Except that she possibly combed her hair with a brick. Tamara doesn't seem to comprehend anything Bret is saying, and he uses a deaf voice in an interview to indicate this. He asks her if it's strange to be in this situation and to see the other girls hanging out, and she replies, "Um...I don't know the details. I don't know the amount of time or the extent of anything, but I get it." Bret is worried until he looks at Tamara's body, and then just decides to compliment her on her sexy feet. He determines that eventually they'll find a way to communicate, even if he has to beat on a log or send up smoke signals. Sometimes Bret is actually pretty funny, I have to admit.
Meanwhile, Tiffany has wasted no time in getting wasted. Tawny doesn't know if she's an alcoholic or crazy, but either way, she's making a fool of herself and pissing off the other girls. The others all kind of point and stare, and seem alternately amused and horrified. What's Tiffany's take on all of this, you may ask? "Ain't bitch no bad enough to step front in my face." Yeah.
Elsewhere, Bret has taken a liking to Sam, who impresses him with her love of Slayer and Pantera and her cool tattoos. He starts talking about his own ink, and Heather sees the tattoo with his daughter's birthday on it -- May 5. Turns out this is her birthday too. Yes, May 5, 1855 was a banner day in the history of civilization. Sam interviews that Heather intimidates the shit out of her, and is also a big attention whore. Heather thinks that this is all a sign, and that the other girls had better watch out, because she and Bret already have a connection. Indeed, it's hard to deny that they both look like they've been through a fire.
Magdalena tells us that they have a lot of strippers in the house. It is a fact that if you removed all the strippers and all the retards, you'd really thin out the herd. Conveniently, there is also a pole, so it's time for Heather to give the others some lessons. Wait, what's that weird patch under her boob? Well, no matter, she can really flip herself around on that thing. Do you think every so often she feels super-kicky and Mary Tyler Moore-esque as she walks down the street and just does that on a street lamp? Tiffany says that Heather ain't shit, and shows some drunken moves of her own. She creakily slides down the pole upside down, and it is a serious marvel that she doesn't vomit right then and there. Big John is perhaps wondering whether the beej was worth it. Also, if you recall from the casting special, Tiffany is someone's mom. This is totally what Sean Preston and Small Fry are in for.
Bret gets to know Brandi M. and Jessica. First of all, only on this show do you have two Brandis. Brandi M. is from Buffalo and moved to Vegas, where she just started dancing. And I think we all know what kind of dancing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Bret really likes Brandi, whom he calls "Wild Thing," adding that when he saw her, he immediately thought of hot, nasty rock n' roll sex, during which you apparently scream, "Wassagoinon." Brandi M. says she's a Scorpio and ruled by her genitals. In which case, why not make them the source of your livelihood? I must also confess a certain fondness for Brandi M. Jessica describes herself as a Jessica Simpson knockoff. Way to demonstrate your feelings of self-worth. She is super-spacey and either wasted or really, really dumb. Or, quite possibly, both. Jessica is also not what you'd call a pretty girl. Meanwhile, Brandi C. and Kristia go walking around looking for Bret, whom they call their baby boy. Tawny tells us that they're quite possibly the dumbest girls she ever met, and she moved away when they got near her for fear that the dumbness was catching. The general consensus is: really dumb.
Bret then talks to a bunch of other girls, Raven among them. She talks a lot and is at once really intense and super-boring. As she gets through saying that she wants people to engage with her mind and not just her physical attributes, Bret tells her that she has a beautiful ass. He then gets some alone time with Rodeo, who tells him that she's a physical trainer. She didn't Google him, she says, because she wanted to get to know him personally. I haven't Googled him yet either; I'm saving it all for Season 2.
Bret mentions his daughters, and Rodeo says that she has a seven-year-old boy. Bret interviews that Rodeo was his first instant connection. Rodeo tells Bret that she used to be paralyzed; she was a platform diver and broke her feet and was paralyzed for two years and had to learn to walk again. And then she had cancer! "I'm a strong lady," she says. Oh my God, Holly Hunter is totally going to play Rodeo in the Lifetime mini-series of Rock Of Love, and win an Emmy. "And Holly Hunter as Rodeo." Just picture it! Bret tells her that he was a juvenile diabetic and has had to take four insulin shots a day since he was six. Rodeo looks up at him and is SO IN LOVE RIGHT NOW. They bond, Bret says, over all the thorns they had to go through to get to the roses (HA!), and the fact that, because of it, neither one of them takes life for granted. "Starring Oscar winner Holly Hunter as Rodeo." Seriously, it's all I can think about. Rodeo interviews, "When Bret grabbed my hand, it was like I could feel him in my soul...through the hand." I fucking love this show. There is a great bit of editing that involves Bret's head superimposed on a seascape, and a piping plover sitting on Rodeo's shoulder. "Roger Ebert says, 'Holly Hunter puts in her finest performance since The Piano. The Rock Of Love Story is a marvel.'"
Meanwhile, back inside, Tiffany is wasteder. Her wastedness manifests itself in her calling the others stupid bitches and, I belive, cuntwads. I'm seeing Tara Reid as Tiffany in The Rock Of Love Story. Unless she pulls a genius Cate Blanchett move and actually plays Bret. She already has the hair. In any case, "cuntwads" is enough to kind of offend some of the other girls. Dallas and Brandi M. call her on it, and Tiffany tells them not to threaten her with a good time. In all fairness, the other girls are pretty much openly mocking her. Also in all fairness, Tiffany is a sloppy mess. Dallas calmly interviews that, though Tiffany looks fifty, so she has no problem with Tiffany being there as long as she stays the fuck out of her face. So what does Tiffany do? Yeah, she gets right in Dallas's face. With the hand, too! Jes and a few other girls are just off on the sidelines laughing, which is totally what I'd be doing, too. Dallas interviews that someone needs to call security, because she's about to fuck a bitch up. Tiffany repeats her calming mantra -- "Don't threaten me with a good time" -- which she doubtlessly picked up from Thich Nhat Hanh. Brandi has to raise her voice and tell Tiffany just to chill, because everyone's just trying to have a good time. But this is exactly what Tiffany feels threatened by! It's really a vicious cycle. Big John steps in and tells Tiffany to mellow out.
Meanwhile, Bret takes Jes outside because he thinks she's tight and hot and he wants to get to know her. Jes is really one of the more attractive girls there. Who interrupts their moment but Tiffany. Bret gently asks for a minute, and then notes that she's going to be his crazy party girl. Tiffany's reply? "Don't threaten me with a good time." But Bret needs nothing but a good time. How could it ever work? The most hilarious thing is that even after the brushoff, Tiffany just kind of stands there, forcing the others to ignore her. Bret asks Jes what she wants out of the experience. She says she doesn't know, and has no expectations, so she is open to surprises. Bret thinks that Jes is smart and witty, but also that she has a guard up. But that immediate wall? You guessed it. Kind of a turn-on. That seventh finger on her right hand? Kind of a turn-on. The blackened toenail? Kind of a turn-on. The shredded roast beef stuck between her teeth? Kind of a turn-on.
Other girls come over and start pawing at Bret, and Brandi C. continues to be mad that she and her man haven't gotten any alone time. She squeaks that he promised her he'd teach her how to play pool. Mia doesn't want to let Bret go. And then everyone's kind of pulling at him and womanhandling him. I can imagine an It's A Wonderful Life scenario where an angel shows Bret what life would be like had he never been born, and Brandi C. is a nuclear physicist while Tiffany won the Nobel Prize in literature. Actually, I feel like Doris Lessing is secretly Tiffany in fifty years. In any case, Bret has to call upon all his inner strength to get through all this.
Bret finally goes to spend some time with Brandi C. and Kristia, and who should come over and straddle Bret's lap (in her skirt, because she's a slut, according to Brandi C.)? Yes, it's Tiffany! I feel like every time Tiffany enters she should yell, "Tiffannnayyyyyy!" like Timmy on South Park. Wearing a helmet might not be such a bad idea, either. Tiffany starts grinding on Bret a little. Bret says that Tiffany was kind of turning him on, yet he also had a feeling that she might try to kill him. In short order, she tries to at least kill his balls by bouncing up and down. Bret interviews that he couldn't get Tiffany off him, and it actually became kind of brutal. Bret has to get up and kind of push Tiffany off, and her dress gets all hiked up and the others point and laugh. Bret goes to find Big John, but gets waylaid by Mia and Lacey. Brandi C. gets more and more pissed, and is worried that Bret isn't getting to know her. She squeaks that he doesn't love her. But he's seen her gigantic knockers. I think she'll be fine for a little while.
Meanwhile, the adventures of Tiffany continue. She approaches a group of girls sitting outside, and they're pretty mean to her. And I mean, she was slurring around calling people cuntwads and all. I just think they've all had enough. Tiffany asks Jes, "You're acting like you don't know me?" Dallas helpfully points out that she doesn't actually know her. Tiffany calls Jes "Jen," which doesn't help matters. Tiffany's reply when Jes calls her on it? "Fo sho. Fo sho," with a "Later haterade" chaser.
Elsewhere, Bret is getting to know Lacey and Mia. He says that he needs a girl who understands that every night is a party, and who won't freak out when she hears other girls squealing on the bus. Huh. Lacey says that she's been a touring musician, and knows what goes on. The way she looks at it, there's fun to be had on the road, and she has no reason to be upset if another chick is on her man's lap or flirting with him. Bret likes that Lacey understands him and his lifestyle. What he doesn't like, however, are the girls who separated themselves from the party. We see a couple sitting alone and/or silently nibbling at random food, and know they're goners.
Meanwhile, Tiffany is still drunk! She knows the other girls hate her, but she doesn't see them as competition. No one can stand her, and as she interjects herself amidst a group of girls, Faith asks her why she's there. Tiffany's response? "What am I fighting for? Cause I got eliminated for a fucking salty." Or, possibly, "saltine." Tiffany then starts crying and says she lives for her daughter. Faith finds this strange, and asks why, if Tiffany's so concerned about her daughter, she's there. Well, Faith, the Child Services people do a really good job with placements, so stop being so judgy. Tiffany gets upset at this line of questioning. Faith tells her to get over it. Tiffany's response? "I'm not gonna get over it if you chich you wadda!" Like her South Side of Chicago neighbor, Bad Bad Leroy Brown, Tiffany truly looks like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone. Big John is pissed, and tells Tiffany to get it together or he'll make sure she's out of the house. Tiffany's response? "Don't threaten me with a good time." And something about killing the bitch.
So, Brandi C. still hasn't gotten her alone time with Bret, so she resorts to putting on Kristia's too-small pink bikini and inserting herself to his side. This tactic works, and Bret interviews that as soon as he saw Brandi C. heaving well-implanted breasts, he knew that they were going to have a strong spiritual relationship. Brandi C. whines, and Lacey has to get up and leave. She compares Brandi to a slutty puppy, and notes that if she had one brain cell it would be lonely. Brandi C. tells Bret that she'd be fine with him having three other wives or girlfriends, as long as she was the "Holly." It's truly something to aspire to. Speaking of Holly Madison, she is totally who would play Kristia in the lifetime movie. Bret is very touched by this, but doesn't know if there's enough substance there for a long-term relationship.
It's elimination time, and all the girls are anxious. Many are nervous because they didn't get to spend much time with Bret. Sam is nervous because she doesn't drink or party, and she knows that's a big part of Bret's life. Tiffany eats some potatoes and yells out, "Ain't no thing but chicken wing!" Hey, people deal with stress in different ways. Turns out Bret will be eliminating six women. Someone named Bonnie whom we haven't really seen at all thinks there hasn't been enough time for Bret to decide, and that it's not fair. Magdalena thinks that Rodeo should go home because she's too manly, and Tiffany should go home because she's a crackhead. Brandi M. also wants Tiffany to make a stop at the elimination station.
Bret, wearing his fancy formal bandana-front weave and extra eyeliner, comes out to deliver the verdicts. The girls who are called will each get a backstage pass. The first, whom Bret feels really intensely about keeping, is Rodeo. He asks if she'll stay in the house and rock his world. She would be honored. Magdalena is pissed, and interviews that if Bret keeps her in the house, she'll feel like he's comparing her to Rodeo. In the world's deepest bass voice, she says, "I ain't no man." Magdalena says that she's no man quite a lot, which makes me think she's taken a trip on the Transpolandica Express. Heather is called by merit of hot breasts alone. Then there's Jes, Sam, and Magdalena, followed by Brandi M., Faith, Tamara, Mia, Erin, Dallas, Tawny, Lacey, and Kristia. There's one pass left, and Bret says that the decision came really hard. He says he's completely on the fence, but feels like he needs to get to know this person a little more. Brandi C. is freaking out. Turns out that Bret wasn't sure about the girls who were less aggressive, but also was annoyed as shit by Brandi C., even though she was hot. Nonetheless, it is Brandi C. who gets called, because she wanted to be there and was there for Bret. And also, gigantic rack.
And then, shocking twist! Bret says he's had many screw-ups in his life and asked for much forgiveness. As he's matured, he's learned to try to forgive people and give them second chances. And so Tiffany also gets to stay, on sort of a probationary basis. She may have to sleep in a bathtub, which is probably a step up from her van down by the river. Dallas says that Tiffany was eliminated and got back in the house because she sucked Big John's dick, but that's okay, because that's what she does for a living. And Dallas is totally fine with that. I also kind of love Dallas, I've gotta tell you. The other girls are not really thrilled, but Bret interviews that he thinks under the drunken mess there is a good person in there, and also, Tiffany is entertaining. It's hard to argue with that. Bret tells Tiffany that she has two strikes, and she tells him not to threaten her with a good time. I predict she'll sober up sometime in 2017.
Bret gives each of the eliminated five girls a hug goodbye. Most of them are kind of bitter. Jessica notes that Bret kept all the big-boobed dumb contestants, and must not like the smart girls. Irony's family has been adopted for the holidays. They'd like word searches and Hooked On Phonics. Bret actually seems semi-thoughtful about the eliminated contestants, and refrains from calling anyone a dumb bitch. The same can't be said for Erin, who wants to distinguish herself from that particular crowd. So much for female solidarity. Bret and the remaining twenty-one have a toast to rocking or loving or being threatened with a good time or some such thing.
Coming up: boobs n' tears. But until then it's...
Bret's boner comment countdown!
1. [After being kissed by Tiffany, looks down and changes positions] "Hold on, I'm going to have to shoot from this angle now."
2. [While photographing the girls] "I've gotta be honest with you, I was having a lot of emotions pouring through my member."
3. [After being kissed by Magdalena, looks down and adjusts crotch] "John, I'll be back in a minute."
4. [In the midst of a photo montage] "I'm about to pop. I'm telling you, I'm extremely horny and I'm ready to explode."
5. [Upon Tiffany bouncing up and down on his lap] "She beat my penis to a pulp, and it was a dry beating."