Sarah Falls...Twice

I warned you people last week. This is Episode Three. You're tuning in. That makes you, officially, a Road Rules watcher. I hope your friends tease you mercilessly, then don't invite you to their party this Friday night and you miss meeting the one person that would have made you happy for the rest of your life. See. All because you couldn't help watching Road Rules. Aren't you ashamed?

Previously...Kendal showed the boys a photo of her dad, taken two years before he died. When did we see that? Oh, yeah. Never. Now Sarah and Darrell once again fall from the dorm-to-dorm ropes. Sarah says she doesn't want to go back to Colorado if (when) she (very shortly) gets booted off (pack your bags). She then tells us that she doesn't want to be voted off and/because/but/if she has no "athleticism" going for her, at all. Darrell then tells us contradictorily that he doesn't think the kids want to give Sarah the boot but, again, and/because/but/if "only the strong survive." (Context is not the Crack B/M Editing Staff's forte in editing together sound bites, obviously.)

Opening. The Worst Song Not Written By City High plays as we meet the kids and see the blueprints and the clips and the logo and "Campus Crawl" and fuck off!

Night. RV. The kids sit around waiting for their NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue they get on their NEXTEL PHONE. Is it wrong to say that I miss the Road Master? Well, I do. In all his bad acting glory. Someone should find him, whatever Dinner Theatre he's doing The Mystery of Edwin Drood at, and ask him to come back. I'm pretty sure he works cheap. Anyway, the clue talks about figuring out what they're made of and showing up tomorrow at the Citadel Military Academy in South Carolina. The kids cheer, half-mocking, but then sadly, also, some of them genuinely happy. Sarah tells us that they're taken aback when they get their NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue because Eric and Rachel have been "dreaming" of going to the Citadel. (Oh, I bet Eric has....) Sarah adds that it's a top, tough military academy and she can't figure out why they want to go. Now Kendal camera-talks that it reminds her of her dad because one of the only things she knew about him was that he was in the Army. My dad was in the Army, too, but oddly, this news of the Citadel mission just makes me remember how lame this show is. Sarah says she's not happy about this "at all." Sarah, aside from Competitive Sitting Around Smoking, what mission would make you happy? That's what I thought.

Thom Yorke's eye rolls in its socket as they play Radiohead to transition into the segment.

Night. Kendal and Eric chill on top of the RV. Kendal holds a small stuffed monkey. Of course she does. Eric asks when her mom gave Kendal her wedding ring. Kendal says it was last year, and that Mrs. Kendal couldn't believe that Kendal wanted the ring; Kendal says that Mrs. Kendal felt it was just a symbol of a bond between her and "a man that got divorced, you know?" No. I don't, Kendal. She goes on to tell us that her dad left when she was little and disappeared for six months and finally turned up dead in a parking lot -- he had killed himself. Yikes. Shitty. She reads that the ring says, "Eternal Love." She says it means something different to her now. She goes on to camera-talk that she's never talked to her mom about her dad much, and she could but she's never wanted to.

Day. A stream. A deer. If this were TNN, that deer would be dead. ["Not anymore. If this were the TNN of the present day, that deer would be on TNN's eighteenth Star Trek: TNG rerun of the day." -- Wing Chun] Kendal and Rachel walk, limping, through the woods. It looks like the end of a failed jogging trip. They bitch, as usual, about Sarah. Rachel moans that Kendal seems to be talking to Sarah more and Kendal quickly defends herself by claiming that Sarah frustrates her. Rachel goes on to say that Sarah doesn't care about being a competitive person and she just can't believe it and this is what Road Rules is about (that's true). Rachel then camera-brats that she's been "let down" by Sarah; she goes on to call Sarah the team's weak link. Kendal now says that, if they're all putting in 120% to cover for someone else, does that person deserve to be there? Well, 120% times five is exactly 600%, so that makes up for Sarah! Perfect! What's the problem? Rachel then camera-talks that after the mission they lose, Sarah is gone. (I know they don't like her, but really, why is it just assumed she's gone? I mean, I know she is, but it's just totally accepted, and no one has questioned if she deserves it. I mean, yes, she does, but still, it's not usually as cut and dry and out in the open as this. All right, I'll return now to not giving a shit. Thanks.)

Map. They go to Charleston, South Carolina. Then to the Citadel. Rachel describes it as a castle, "because the gates open up, and let you in." Wow. That's a brilliant analogy! Running. Marching. Uniforms. Tanks. Marching. The kids driving. Flag. RV. The kids arrive and meet Regimental Commander Cox. (Hee, Cox.) He shakes all their hands, and tells them he should be addressed as "Mr. Cox." (Hee hee.) He tells them he's in charge of "exactly...about two thousand cadets." He tells them to follow, and then walks five feet.

Meanwhile, Sarah camera-talks that Mr. Cox (ha hee) seems pretty nice and amiable. He tells the kids that their mission is to be freshmen -- who are known as "Knobs" because of the way they look when they all shave their heads -- and survive two days of training. Shane tells us that pieces of crap on the road are treated better than Knobs are. Mr. Cox (ho hee) says that they can't smile, they have to do shit with a sense of purpose, and they should have fun with it. Yeah, right. Shane then camera-talks that he was in ROTC in college but quickly realized it wasn't for him. Hey, I'm not "asking" or "telling" here. Shane says it's going to be funny to see how the others -- who haven't been through this as he has -- react. Mr. Cox says that if they do something wrong, they'll be given demerits. ExpositionSarah then camera-snots that if they get one hundred demerits, they won't be allowed to go to the Bulldog Challenge, and they will fail their mission. Mr. Cox (hee) says that the Bulldog Challenge is an obstacle course, and that all six have to pass it for them to pass their mission. Sarah tells us she's so out of shape. No shit, girlie. I bet Real World Tonya could kick your ass while passing a kidney stone. Mr. Cox goes on to say that they won't get no demerits. "One demerit for using a double negative, Stee!"

The kids -- standing with their arms crossed, looking cold and bored and scared -- watch the cadets go through some weird yelling ritual in the main quad. "Pick it up!" they're yelling, and, "All ye who enter..." and shit like that. Kendal bitches that she's pissed. Then, suddenly, a bunch of cadets charge the kids and start screaming at them, getting all commando in their faces. Eric stands straight up while Sarah and Kendal both look horribly offended that they're being yelled at. It's very very funny. Shane, however, keeps laughing. Bad Shane. Man, Eric really looks like he's about to cry trying so hard to please all the big men around him, while Sarah goes cross-eyed with confusion. Kendal camera-whines, bratting that people who were nice are suddenly being mean. She doesn't like it at all. Neither do I, honey. Darrell tells us that he was just wondering who he was going to hit first, because there was going to be a fight. Some of the cadets clearly aren't very good at the Bad Cop part of it, but some love it, yelling shit like, "You're in hell! You're in my world now!" I know I'm in hell. Shane camera-talks that he knew this was coming, but he's worried about whether they're going to make it through this. Sarah keeps fucking cracking me up. The cadet behind Shane is one of the not very good ones, and really looks like he's just hitting on Shane in a club, yelling his phone number over the Basement Jaxx. Someone tells Kendal that she's about to get the shock of her life. The only way Kendal could shock me is if she doesn't suck some dick on this trip. Commercials.

Back. So the Lou Gossetting continues as Shane is now laughing. The cadets rip into him, as he camera-talks that he responds to uncomfortable situations by laughing and he finds this funny. I don't believe him. I just believe the "he's scared shitless" part. Finally they dismiss the kids, but Shane laughs, and immediately gets yelled at and given five demerits. I miss the old days when they punched you in the stomach and threw you into the mud if you mouthed off. Ah, I miss 'Nam. Rachel whines to us about Shane laughing, then they get dismissed, and are chased upstairs by the cadets, who yell the whole time as the kids get changed in their new rooms.

The girls get lame Russian-sounding women who yell for them to put their hair up and wash makeup off, as the guy cadets yell that this isn't a beauty contest. ManlyRusskie yells for the girls to take their jewelry off. Kendal whines to us that her ring doesn't come off...but then says she either has to get yelled at some more, or "suck it up and take it." I'm sure Kendal is very good at sucking it up and taking it. She removes her ring.

Now they're all in formation outside, walking with other cadets, then running and shouting and chanting. Shane says they go on The Spirit Run From Hell. They're chanting weird stuff like, "Hey, Mr. Huzz won't you come on up? We want to hear your motivated sound." Damn, I thought they did shit like "I don't know but I've been told. Eskimo pussy is mighty cold." The Army is boring now. Sarah is hating the run. Dying. Shane says that he doesn't blame her, since Sarah is "not very active...in the physical sense." Hee. We see her running, and all the cadets around her are barely breaking a sweat, and she's about to have a heart attack, and crying. Hee. She tells us that everyone is screaming in her ears for her to go on, but she's physically sick. Heeeeee. Now they're doing push-ups and ManlyRusskie yells at Sarah to do it. Now Shane is laughing again, and gets yelled at and made to do stomach-crunch holds. He tells us that he needs to control his emotions, but then adds that some of the stuff they're yelling is "ludicrous." More demerits for Shane. He's getting yelled at.

Now at night, a slightly kinder, gentler cadet tells Sarah and Kendal that they're not interested in emotions, and that cadets at the Citadel have no emotions. "Sir, yes, sir!" yells Kendal. She tells us that she's trying very hard to keep it in, but then she loses it. Now some Chet Baker-looking cadet is all close to Kendal while ManlyRusskie looks on, asking her why she's crying if there is no problem. He so wants to do her. Now Kendal full-on camera-cries that it makes her think of her daddy and that they took her ring from her. Aw, man. I feel a tiny bit bad for her here. Suck. I hate when they do that.

Now in the boys' room, a cadet yells at Shane that he slammed a door, and that for someone who cost his team "fifteen doggone demerits" (oh, trying so hard not to swear) he shouldn't be slamming doors. Shane then camera-talks that he's smiling and they don't like him very much. Hee. Darrell is pissed, but Shane can't help it. They talk about the girls, saying they're having a bad time.

Now in the girls' room, Sarah states the obvious: that she is physically unable to do many push-ups; she shows off her puny arms. Rachel then giggles that she can't understand them, and Kendal says she wants to say, "Could you please slow down and enunciate, Sir." They laugh as Kendal says she hates this, and they all hate it, and she's starting to realize that the three girls are all really starting to get along. (Be careful with the Sarah-love, girl. It's kind of like getting too attached to the turkey you're fattening up for Thanksgiving dinner.) Rachel then says that, on a mission like this, you really bond, and that she's loving the two girls right now because they're her relief. Okay, isn't this the part, in the women's military movie, where the girl cadets get naked and do each other? I swear that's what's supposed to happen here.

Six in the morning. Taps plays. The mean cadets bum rush the kids' rooms and bang pots and yell as the kids get dressed. Shane laughs. ManlyRusskie advises the girls that they'd best get their rooms in order because they're going to get inspected later.

Now outside in the rain in fatigues, people are yelling at the kids when a fucking creepy old dude comes out. This is Colonel Powers. He obviously wants nothing to do with this shit. I don't blame him. Someone tells him that the Road Rules kids are ready for inspection. He eyeballs Eric and gives him one demerit for a crappy shoe shine. He yells for Shane to get his shoulders back -- Shane is standing all crazy uncomfortable. Powers gives him one demerit for his boot lacing and one for having a necklace on. He also gets one for his hat. Rachel then camera-talks that she thinks Shane might lose the mission for them on demerits.

Now in the rooms, we go back and forth between the girls' and boys' rooms. Everyone gets a demerit for not buttoning all buttons when they hang up their clothes. The boys finally get three demerits for a dirty sink, then the Colonel has had enough and bails. The boys relax the minute he leaves, but worry that they have one hundred demerits. I wish I could just run around giving people demerits. I give B/M one million demerits for each season of Road Rules. I also give my cat twenty-five demerits for puking this morning. My gardener gets fifty demerits for putting in a faulty sprinkler controller. I give the pollen that's making me sneeze thirty-five demerits. Also, I give Blue Cross four million demerits for constantly raising my rates and Barry Sonnenfeld gets three thousand demerits for making Men in Black II so lame. While I'm at it, I'll give that woman who drowned all her kids one billion demerits, because that shit just ain't right.