All right, people. You realize you can still get out. You could not watch this week, and then you'll have only watched the first episode and no one could accuse you of actually being a fan of the show. You tried it once, you hated it, and you moved on. No harm done. So turn back now. Switch over to JAG or something. You don't have to do this. Unfortunately, I do. So if you're still with me now, it's your own damn fault. Now let's go.
So. We start off with the following warning: "The challenge within this episode/segment contains dangerous stunts which are supervised by professional stuntmen and emergency personnel. Do not attempt to try this." I like that they don't know if it's an episode or a segment. I also like that they so don't want you do to this shit and then sue them that they tell you not to attempt to try this. Like, don't even think about thinking about it. They should have had the following warning instead: "The following show contains crap. Don't watch." That would have been more helpful.
"Previously." The kids won the eating contest. They earned six Italian scooters. Sarah and Darrell were on the high wire. They did some dirty talking to each other: "Why are you pulling down?" "Oh, god. "Oh, god." That's hot. They fell off the wire, spent from their lovemaking. Sarah said it was her fault. Then their backs were against the wall. Then we saw Rachel with her girlfriend Amy. Rachel camera-talked that she took a break from Amy because she doesn't want her big gay relationship to define her big gay self. Speaking of big gay...Eric told us he's digging on Kendal. They danced terribly. She told us she's scared because she doesn't want to care about Eric's big stupid face. Uh, then don't. Or at least don't fuck him, which is probably harder for her not to do.
Opening credits. The Worst Song Ever Written plays while we get falling and driving and faces. Falling. Naked. Falling. Surfing. "Throw out your old rules! These are the Road Rules." Seriously, I thought City High singing about Kyle and Keri was a low for the art of music. But this might be even worse.
At an RV park, the kids do bar dips around an old trampoline, counting in Spanish, as Sarah sits in a chair watching them. Hee. She says that she can't do everything the others do. She asks if we've seen Rachel's biceps, and then we see them. Rachel is fucking huge. Sarah says that Rachel could beat her up. (Do it! Do it!) Sarah tells the others that she doesn't do anything but sit around and breathe and eat. Rachel tells Sarah that she doesn't give herself enough credit, totally missing the self-deprecating humor of Sarah. But then again, her teammates don't get anything she says, so why should this be different? Now the sport-os are all doing leg thingies while Sarah still watches. She tells us that she'd be the first one voted off because she has no athleticism going for her. I love that she's trying so hard and fighting to stay on the show. It speaks well of her character that she doesn't just give up and whine and accept that she's about to be...oh yeah. She's doing just that. Never mind.
Rachel talks to her girlfriend Amy on the phone, saying she's about to go out and fuck some other girls and guys, but she wanted to say hi first. Rachel tells us that she's taking a break from Amy not because she doesn't want to be with her, but because she doesn't want to cut herself off from "experiences." (I love that code word for "fucking the shit out of all my RV-mates.") Amy must be a moron for buying it. Rachel tells Amy not to say "I love you" like she doesn't mean it. Rachel continues justifying to us why she wants to fuck other people.
Out. Rachel talks to Kendal at some bar or something about Amy. She says people don't know that they're together a lot, and that she didn't even tell her mom for a while. They dated guys on the side for the first year, she says. Kendal nods understandingly, but with this look on her face like, "Okay, whatever, you big dyke." Rachel camera-talks that they call themselves "two straight women who fell in love." Ironically, that's the title of a porno I just rented. Rachel tells Kendal that her mom just thinks this is a phase and that she'll end up with a guy. When Kendal then asks if they'll be together after Road Rules, she says that even when she's with Amy she fantasizes about fucking men -- that her "wet dreams" are about guys. Um, I don't want to piss anyone off here, but doesn't it sound exactly like a phase? I think for once the repressive mom might be right.
In the RV, the kids gather around their NEXTEL phone as Kendal tells us they got a NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue. This stupid voice tells them they have to be at Clemson at the clock tower in the morning. Clock tower. Is the mission Competitive Go-Crazy-And-Shoot-Down-At-Students? The kids mock the show, fake-cheering that they're going to Clemson.
The kids go clubbing that night, but end up, like always, going to the fucking worst club ever. There are, like, three other people dancing in there besides them. I'm sure all the good clubs were like, "Road Rules? Oh, we thought you were the Real World kids. Um, sorry, you're not on the list." Kendal sluts on about Eric and her mixed feelings, and Sarah then camera-talks about Kendal playing games with Eric. She says that Eric is a little boy and Kendal is a big, experienced ho-bag and Eric is scared of that. She says, however, that when Kendal sees Eric talking to a girl, Kendal acts like it doesn't bother her, but it obviously does. We see Eric fake-biting Kendal's ear and growling. She giggles. Sarah continues, sounding like she has a very bad cold (probably from all the chilly reception she keeps getting from her RV-mates), that Kendal gets jealous of Eric because she doesn't know how else to feel.
RV. Night. Eric convinces Kendal to sleep with him in a sleeping bag on the floor. Rachel, lying to Darrell, tells Eric that you know someone likes you when he or she agrees to sleep on a twin air mattress with you. Now Sarah snots on about Kendal not liking the gray area. Sarah, you are the gray area.
Morning. Driving. Sarah sits watching Rachel and Darrell have a conversation, wishing someone would talk to her. Rachel says she never fought in college, and Darrell says that he either used to fight a lot, or he does now. I can't exactly tell. All I know is that he doesn't trip on something now. Congratulations. That's good to hear. Rachel camera-talks that Darrell looks tough, but that he's very emotional. Yeah, cuz he's not tripping on anything now. Rachel prattles on about getting nervous before a basketball game (Oh, she played girl's basketball in high school? Yeah. Gay), and Darrell talks about butterflies before a fight and how they go away when the bell rings. Fascinating. Rachel now tells him that she used to think he was good-looking, but when she first met him he was wearing glasses and a puffy jacket, and more and more now she's noticing his "attractiveness." They both smile. Sarah looks on from the outside, wishing someone would talk to her or notice her attractiveness. Now Darrell camera-talks to us that she didn't think Rachel was hot before, but now she's "very more attractive." Hee. He repeats it because it's so deep and grammatically suspect. "Very more attractive."
So the kids arrive at Clemson and their Mayor -- who I think is called Dallas -- tells them to go put on uniforms in the RV. That's exactly what I'd do if the kids came to my school. I'd tell them to get their asses right back on the RV. But then I'd continue my directions, "And drive away."
The kids put on what they realize are racing suits. Shane jokes that if they catch on fire, the suits are fireproof. Oh please, please. I hope that's foreshadowing. Poor, deluded Eric says that they look cool and that they are cool. No and no. Sorry, Eric. You're 0 for 2. "Road Rules!" they lamely chant.
Sarah describes getting onto the big dirt field and seeing "junk cars" and a ramp. They run and find their names on each of six cars. Sarah's name-sticker is all bent and fucked-up in the middle. Hee. Dallas tells the kids they have to roll their cars off the ramp; to get the prizes, they have to roll -- as a team -- a total of three times. Dallas is the worst Mayor since Marion Barry, and no one knows what the fuck she means. This Matt Damon-looking Mayor -- whose name they didn't even bother telling us -- clarifies that they need to roll the cars over, upside-down. Their prize is six thousand dollars. The kids cheer. Sarah tell us that they're "pretty hungry for the money." Someone get Sarah a sandwich. Money just isn't that tasty. Dallas goes on that when...I mean, "if" they fail the mission, they have to vote someone off. Kendal camera-talks about giving up the prizes, and Sarah camera-talks that she's right now calculating how quickly she'll have to pack her shit once they fail. Hee. Now Shane lies about how dangerous this stunt is and we see totally unmanned ambulances and fire trucks parked nearby. Yeah, right. "It's not something you'd want to do at home," adds Shane. Well, neither is watching this show, but I am. My cat saunters into the room, sees the Road Rules logo, and pukes on my foot. I deserved that for bringing this show back into our house. Sorry, kitty. It's always the innocent ones who get hurt. Commercials.
Back. The warning again. It makes me laugh. Brent -- the poor stunt guy whose career must really be in the shitter to have to take this gig, like he must have kicked Christopher Walken in the balls or something during a fight scene -- show the kids (but really is just showing us so we don't sue when we grab the keys to the family mini-van and try to roll it in the Target parking lot and die) all the safety restraints in the cars. ExpoShane tells us that the glass is all fake, and also that the cars are all CGI and the kids will actually just be running over the ramp on foot, and that there are fairy angels standing by in case someone gets a splinter and they can magic-wand it away. Superman is also on call in case someone gets really hurt and he can then fly really fast around the world and make time reverse itself back to before the accident. Brent goes on that they have to go exactly 27 mph or it won't flip. They'll have a radar gun on them. B/M has some random employee -- because it doesn't sound like either of the three girls -- voice-over that Brent is really professional and made them feel very safe and secure.
Eric tools that they have to flip three times, and as Rachel says they can do a quarter, a half, three-quarters, a full, or more, the Crack B/M Editing Squad -- crackier than ever -- shows us a lame graphic with the car on its side, upside-down, etc. Hee. Sarah predicts that she's going to be the first to go down in a fiery death. For some reason, this idea tickles her. Not as much as it tickles your cast members, honey.
So, Rachel is first. She's nervous. Her legs are shaking. They show us the stock footage of the ambulances "standing by" and also show us that the car is "Stunt Prepared" and that this is a "Closed Course" and "Do Not Try This At Home." We Fucking Get It. So as Rachel is driving, we learn that they only get one try and no practice runs. That's pretty fucking harsh. Rachel hits the jump, and does a two-wheel wheelie, but then violently crashes back down. Nothing. "Shit," yells Shane. They wonder if she turned the wheel. Shane tells Rachel she turned the wheel too late. Sarah says, "She seemed really intent on kicking ass." Lord, Sarah should do color commentary for NASCAR. That was really helpful, you. Rachel says she didn't know how to turn on the ramp; Shane tells us that Rachel sets the example for the other girls, and now he's worried.
It's Kendal's turn. They're all yelling for her to speed up. She hits the ramp -- they have a camera mounted right behind it so we get a cool angle -- and barely even tips over a little. Kendal then camera-talks that it startles you when you hit the ramp, and since they both now turned too late, she suggests they turn earlier than they think they need to. Thanks. Now Matt Damon tells them they have no rolls yet, so...he balls up his hand and hits it against his other open hand. You want them to fist each other? That's gross. Dirty Mayor. Kendal camera-talks that now there is a lot of pressure on the rest of the team.
Darrell's turn. Everyone yells for him to "Come on!" Darrell hits the ramp, and flips! He makes three-quarters, landing on the other side of the car. He bitches that he wanted a full one, and then says he hopes they can get a full one out of both Shane and Eric, and a least a quarter out of Sarah. Hee.
Eric says that they got this, y'all. Eric goes. Darrell yells for him to hold the turn. We see lame-o, nothing-to-do Clemson students watching from way the fuck far away. Eric hits the ramp, and flips over onto his back. Hee. One half. He's pissed. "Oh shit, he's upside-down!" says someone. Eric climbs out, forgetting to turn the engine off. Brent then bitches that this is what happens when you go too fast; he was going thirty-one. They need one and three-quarters more.
"Lock and load, boys!" yells Shane as he drives off. Shane camera-talks that he's had his "game plan" from the beginning and he's sick of hearing hints and clues on how to do this. Fine, then! Be your own man. See if we care! Shane hits the ramp, and does a full flip. (I am very ashamed to admit at this point I actually went, "Yeah!" out loud. I deeply regret getting caught up and being actually pleased for Shane that he made it. I will now slide safely back into the complete apathy that usually surrounds me when I watch this show.) Eric camera-talks about his love for Shane, calling him a "complete stud," saying how he's done the best at every mission so far. "U Da Man Shane," reads the Clemson scoreboard. "U A Sad School," reads Stee.
I think it was sort of mean, but a really good tactic for creating drama as the last to go is the on-the-ropes Sarah, and she has to complete a three-quarters flip or they fail the mission. She feels the pressure. Darrell lies to her that there is no pressure at all. Sarah's helmet reads, "Kick Ass!" which is ironically what the cast members are going to do to her when she fucks up -- kick her ass out the RV. She is scared to fail and get booted off. At least she's being realistic about the situation. She asks if anyone has died doing this. The girls all tell her she can do this, with a thinly veiled threat. She responds like she's already given up. Shane yells her name, like she's already receding into the distance. Shane lies that a three-quarter roll is very possible for Sarah. Yeah, maybe in her bed. Eric wears his hat so the bill is just off to the side of his head. I'm really leaning towards Tool in the great Douchebag vs. Tool debate for him. Shane says that he thinks "Sarah has it in her." I'll leave you to make your own "the only thing Sarah has in her is blank" joke here. I have one, but I don't want to say it. Commercials.
Back. Warning. Yeah yeah. Another warning: Kendal camera-talks basically that yeah, Sarah needs to make this or she's gone. Sarah drives. Rachel yells. Sarah hits the ramp...nothing. Hee. Oh, I mean...awwwww. Rachel falls down. Sarah stops the car, and cries and swears. Oh, see, now I feel a little bad for her. They all surround the car like zombies looking for brains, and tell her that they love her and that she did fine. What lies. Sarah should just shut up, but instead she tells them she fucked up and panicked and went too fast and then hit the brakes and "Sorry." Shut up, Sarah. God. Someone says something about pulling something out with this, and that they're a team. Kendal hugs her goodbye. Kendal says she screwed up, too, and then stupid Sarah says that Kendal didn't have five people giving her hints before. Yeah, well, that might have helped screw her up -- you know she has trust issues so why would she trust your advice? Trust is earned, people! Don't you know that? Sarah camera-talks that she failed, failed, failed. Matt Damon tells them that they didn't get the money, and now they have to vote to keep the prizes (scooters) or the Sarah. Kendal camera-sluts that same thing. Sarah tells us she doesn't want to be booted. She cries, walking away from the driving site.
RV. Sarah crawls into bed. She then camera-talks that the kids are so fickle that if she'd made it they would have loved her -- but now they're giving her the cold shoulder and she'll be voted off . She does have a point. I wish she would stop acting like the victim and tell them all they're being shitheads.
The vote. They read the "directions" for the vote and then Eric votes right away to give up the prizes. Rachel too. Darrell calls the scooters "Barbie-doll bikes," and votes to give them up. Shane too. Kendal also. Then Sarah says, "I guess I vote to give up prizes, too," all small. Now, in defense of how she did that, which people might take as attitude or ungrateful, she really doesn't owe them a fucking thing. She hasn't been a shithead or anything; she's just been kinda lazy and emotional and she sucks at missions, but really, she's nineteen, and she's not a boxer or a bodybuilder or a hulky fem basketball player -- she's just a girl. It's not her fault she's totally unsuited for Road Rules. Now, she would have been great on The Real World, where she just could have smoked and sat around chatting with people and done awful Halloween skits for homeless kids. Rachel then says they all need to make a pact that if they lose another mission that something has got to change -- that it's enough losing. Bitch. Sarah camera-talks that as "sweet" as it was not too boot her, she hates being made to feel guilty that they kept her. "Sorry," Sarah moans to Kendal, who brushes past her.
Bathroom. RV park. Everyone important walks into the bathroom to find Darrell shirtless. Rachel calls him sexy and says she wonders where he disappears to all the time. For some reason, Rachel is showing her boobies alla sudden. I think I hear someone talking about "24 Hour Fitness," maybe Darrell saying where he works out, and also I think Rachel is showing a boob job. Shane now camera-talks something to the effect of anyone would want Rachel. Now, if she only had a cock, she'd be perfect. Shane goes on that he can see why Darrell digs on her. Someone asks Rachel if she's showing the titties to them or showing them to Darrell. She gets into the shower, saying that she doesn't think there's "anything that big in boobs." Except silicone.
RV. Sarah smiles, left out of yet another conversation. The kids all sit around, Rachel sitting at Darrell's feet, resting between his legs. Rachel says she's very comfortable sitting like that. She camera-talks that she doesn't think it would be good for the "aura" of the team if anything happened, but at night when she needs someone to cuddle and she becomes more "vulnerable," he becomes more attractive to her. Darrell is in "throne," they joke poorly, and then Rachel says, "What do you want, master?" Kendal tells us that she doesn't understand Rachel and Darrell. "I don't get it," she brats, a real sour look on her face. Rachel then tells the crew it's nice to have someone to cuddle. I hate the word "cuddle." Now Rachel babbles incessantly to us, justifying needing someone you can always go to. She tells Kendal that, at clubs, she'll check out Darrell to see what he's doing. Aw, poor Amy back home pining for Rachel. (Hopefully she's out getting some girl booty.) Now Kendal says she doesn't know about Eric. She says she's sometimes attracted and sometimes she's like, "What?!" Rachel says that's how she feels, too. Kendal doesn't give a shit, powering on to talk about how Eric is growing on her (like a fungus?) but he's such a dork and he has too much confidence, more than he deserves to have...Rachel says Eric is corny. Now Kendal camera-whores about finding Eric intriguing and bleh. The endless conversation about nothing continues as Rachel ends with this stunning revelation: "We'll see what happens."
week...the kids get a NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue to go to the Citadel Military whatever in whatever South Carolina. The kids stand as Army dudes bum rush the fuck out of them and just start yelling, doing the normal schtick. Eric jumps and turns to defend himself as Kendal and Sarah both stand with their arms crossed, like, "Oh my god, shut up!" It's very funny. Now Shane is laughing and they tell him, "What's so funny!?" You know they're this close to yelling about queers and shit like they usually do, but this is TV and they have a "new" image. Rachel camera-talks that if anyone is going to lose this mission for them, it's Shane. Now Sarah tells us that she was heading out into the quad and she slipped. We see this. Heeeeee. She goes down hard, boy. She says that she realized that something was seriously wrong with her leg. That's not the only thing there's something seriously wrong with on her. And...scene. Bye! Until week.