I warned you people last week. This is Episode Three. You're tuning in. That makes you, officially, a Road Rules watcher. I hope your friends tease you mercilessly, then don't invite you to their party this Friday night and you miss meeting the one person that would have made you happy for the rest of your life. See. All because you couldn't help watching Road Rules. Aren't you ashamed?
Previously...Kendal showed the boys a photo of her dad, taken two years before he died. When did we see that? Oh, yeah. Never. Now Sarah and Darrell once again fall from the dorm-to-dorm ropes. Sarah says she doesn't want to go back to Colorado if (when) she (very shortly) gets booted off (pack your bags). She then tells us that she doesn't want to be voted off and/because/but/if she has no "athleticism" going for her, at all. Darrell then tells us contradictorily that he doesn't think the kids want to give Sarah the boot but, again, and/because/but/if "only the strong survive." (Context is not the Crack B/M Editing Staff's forte in editing together sound bites, obviously.)
Opening. The Worst Song Not Written By City High plays as we meet the kids and see the blueprints and the clips and the logo and "Campus Crawl" and fuck off!
Night. RV. The kids sit around waiting for their NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue they get on their NEXTEL PHONE. Is it wrong to say that I miss the Road Master? Well, I do. In all his bad acting glory. Someone should find him, whatever Dinner Theatre he's doing The Mystery of Edwin Drood at, and ask him to come back. I'm pretty sure he works cheap. Anyway, the clue talks about figuring out what they're made of and showing up tomorrow at the Citadel Military Academy in South Carolina. The kids cheer, half-mocking, but then sadly, also, some of them genuinely happy. Sarah tells us that they're taken aback when they get their NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue because Eric and Rachel have been "dreaming" of going to the Citadel. (Oh, I bet Eric has....) Sarah adds that it's a top, tough military academy and she can't figure out why they want to go. Now Kendal camera-talks that it reminds her of her dad because one of the only things she knew about him was that he was in the Army. My dad was in the Army, too, but oddly, this news of the Citadel mission just makes me remember how lame this show is. Sarah says she's not happy about this "at all." Sarah, aside from Competitive Sitting Around Smoking, what mission would make you happy? That's what I thought.
Thom Yorke's eye rolls in its socket as they play Radiohead to transition into the segment.
Night. Kendal and Eric chill on top of the RV. Kendal holds a small stuffed monkey. Of course she does. Eric asks when her mom gave Kendal her wedding ring. Kendal says it was last year, and that Mrs. Kendal couldn't believe that Kendal wanted the ring; Kendal says that Mrs. Kendal felt it was just a symbol of a bond between her and "a man that got divorced, you know?" No. I don't, Kendal. She goes on to tell us that her dad left when she was little and disappeared for six months and finally turned up dead in a parking lot -- he had killed himself. Yikes. Shitty. She reads that the ring says, "Eternal Love." She says it means something different to her now. She goes on to camera-talk that she's never talked to her mom about her dad much, and she could but she's never wanted to.
Day. A stream. A deer. If this were TNN, that deer would be dead. ["Not anymore. If this were the TNN of the present day, that deer would be on TNN's eighteenth Star Trek: TNG rerun of the day." -- Wing Chun] Kendal and Rachel walk, limping, through the woods. It looks like the end of a failed jogging trip. They bitch, as usual, about Sarah. Rachel moans that Kendal seems to be talking to Sarah more and Kendal quickly defends herself by claiming that Sarah frustrates her. Rachel goes on to say that Sarah doesn't care about being a competitive person and she just can't believe it and this is what Road Rules is about (that's true). Rachel then camera-brats that she's been "let down" by Sarah; she goes on to call Sarah the team's weak link. Kendal now says that, if they're all putting in 120% to cover for someone else, does that person deserve to be there? Well, 120% times five is exactly 600%, so that makes up for Sarah! Perfect! What's the problem? Rachel then camera-talks that after the mission they lose, Sarah is gone. (I know they don't like her, but really, why is it just assumed she's gone? I mean, I know she is, but it's just totally accepted, and no one has questioned if she deserves it. I mean, yes, she does, but still, it's not usually as cut and dry and out in the open as this. All right, I'll return now to not giving a shit. Thanks.)
Map. They go to Charleston, South Carolina. Then to the Citadel. Rachel describes it as a castle, "because the gates open up, and let you in." Wow. That's a brilliant analogy! Running. Marching. Uniforms. Tanks. Marching. The kids driving. Flag. RV. The kids arrive and meet Regimental Commander Cox. (Hee, Cox.) He shakes all their hands, and tells them he should be addressed as "Mr. Cox." (Hee hee.) He tells them he's in charge of "exactly...about two thousand cadets." He tells them to follow, and then walks five feet.
Meanwhile, Sarah camera-talks that Mr. Cox (ha hee) seems pretty nice and amiable. He tells the kids that their mission is to be freshmen -- who are known as "Knobs" because of the way they look when they all shave their heads -- and survive two days of training. Shane tells us that pieces of crap on the road are treated better than Knobs are. Mr. Cox (ho hee) says that they can't smile, they have to do shit with a sense of purpose, and they should have fun with it. Yeah, right. Shane then camera-talks that he was in ROTC in college but quickly realized it wasn't for him. Hey, I'm not "asking" or "telling" here. Shane says it's going to be funny to see how the others -- who haven't been through this as he has -- react. Mr. Cox says that if they do something wrong, they'll be given demerits. ExpositionSarah then camera-snots that if they get one hundred demerits, they won't be allowed to go to the Bulldog Challenge, and they will fail their mission. Mr. Cox (hee) says that the Bulldog Challenge is an obstacle course, and that all six have to pass it for them to pass their mission. Sarah tells us she's so out of shape. No shit, girlie. I bet Real World Tonya could kick your ass while passing a kidney stone. Mr. Cox goes on to say that they won't get no demerits. "One demerit for using a double negative, Stee!"
The kids -- standing with their arms crossed, looking cold and bored and scared -- watch the cadets go through some weird yelling ritual in the main quad. "Pick it up!" they're yelling, and, "All ye who enter..." and shit like that. Kendal bitches that she's pissed. Then, suddenly, a bunch of cadets charge the kids and start screaming at them, getting all commando in their faces. Eric stands straight up while Sarah and Kendal both look horribly offended that they're being yelled at. It's very very funny. Shane, however, keeps laughing. Bad Shane. Man, Eric really looks like he's about to cry trying so hard to please all the big men around him, while Sarah goes cross-eyed with confusion. Kendal camera-whines, bratting that people who were nice are suddenly being mean. She doesn't like it at all. Neither do I, honey. Darrell tells us that he was just wondering who he was going to hit first, because there was going to be a fight. Some of the cadets clearly aren't very good at the Bad Cop part of it, but some love it, yelling shit like, "You're in hell! You're in my world now!" I know I'm in hell. Shane camera-talks that he knew this was coming, but he's worried about whether they're going to make it through this. Sarah keeps fucking cracking me up. The cadet behind Shane is one of the not very good ones, and really looks like he's just hitting on Shane in a club, yelling his phone number over the Basement Jaxx. Someone tells Kendal that she's about to get the shock of her life. The only way Kendal could shock me is if she doesn't suck some dick on this trip. Commercials.
Back. So the Lou Gossetting continues as Shane is now laughing. The cadets rip into him, as he camera-talks that he responds to uncomfortable situations by laughing and he finds this funny. I don't believe him. I just believe the "he's scared shitless" part. Finally they dismiss the kids, but Shane laughs, and immediately gets yelled at and given five demerits. I miss the old days when they punched you in the stomach and threw you into the mud if you mouthed off. Ah, I miss 'Nam. Rachel whines to us about Shane laughing, then they get dismissed, and are chased upstairs by the cadets, who yell the whole time as the kids get changed in their new rooms.
The girls get lame Russian-sounding women who yell for them to put their hair up and wash makeup off, as the guy cadets yell that this isn't a beauty contest. ManlyRusskie yells for the girls to take their jewelry off. Kendal whines to us that her ring doesn't come off...but then says she either has to get yelled at some more, or "suck it up and take it." I'm sure Kendal is very good at sucking it up and taking it. She removes her ring.
Now they're all in formation outside, walking with other cadets, then running and shouting and chanting. Shane says they go on The Spirit Run From Hell. They're chanting weird stuff like, "Hey, Mr. Huzz won't you come on up? We want to hear your motivated sound." Damn, I thought they did shit like "I don't know but I've been told. Eskimo pussy is mighty cold." The Army is boring now. Sarah is hating the run. Dying. Shane says that he doesn't blame her, since Sarah is "not very active...in the physical sense." Hee. We see her running, and all the cadets around her are barely breaking a sweat, and she's about to have a heart attack, and crying. Hee. She tells us that everyone is screaming in her ears for her to go on, but she's physically sick. Heeeeee. Now they're doing push-ups and ManlyRusskie yells at Sarah to do it. Now Shane is laughing again, and gets yelled at and made to do stomach-crunch holds. He tells us that he needs to control his emotions, but then adds that some of the stuff they're yelling is "ludicrous." More demerits for Shane. He's getting yelled at.
Now at night, a slightly kinder, gentler cadet tells Sarah and Kendal that they're not interested in emotions, and that cadets at the Citadel have no emotions. "Sir, yes, sir!" yells Kendal. She tells us that she's trying very hard to keep it in, but then she loses it. Now some Chet Baker-looking cadet is all close to Kendal while ManlyRusskie looks on, asking her why she's crying if there is no problem. He so wants to do her. Now Kendal full-on camera-cries that it makes her think of her daddy and that they took her ring from her. Aw, man. I feel a tiny bit bad for her here. Suck. I hate when they do that.
Now in the boys' room, a cadet yells at Shane that he slammed a door, and that for someone who cost his team "fifteen doggone demerits" (oh, trying so hard not to swear) he shouldn't be slamming doors. Shane then camera-talks that he's smiling and they don't like him very much. Hee. Darrell is pissed, but Shane can't help it. They talk about the girls, saying they're having a bad time.
Now in the girls' room, Sarah states the obvious: that she is physically unable to do many push-ups; she shows off her puny arms. Rachel then giggles that she can't understand them, and Kendal says she wants to say, "Could you please slow down and enunciate, Sir." They laugh as Kendal says she hates this, and they all hate it, and she's starting to realize that the three girls are all really starting to get along. (Be careful with the Sarah-love, girl. It's kind of like getting too attached to the turkey you're fattening up for Thanksgiving dinner.) Rachel then says that, on a mission like this, you really bond, and that she's loving the two girls right now because they're her relief. Okay, isn't this the part, in the women's military movie, where the girl cadets get naked and do each other? I swear that's what's supposed to happen here.
Six in the morning. Taps plays. The mean cadets bum rush the kids' rooms and bang pots and yell as the kids get dressed. Shane laughs. ManlyRusskie advises the girls that they'd best get their rooms in order because they're going to get inspected later.
Now outside in the rain in fatigues, people are yelling at the kids when a fucking creepy old dude comes out. This is Colonel Powers. He obviously wants nothing to do with this shit. I don't blame him. Someone tells him that the Road Rules kids are ready for inspection. He eyeballs Eric and gives him one demerit for a crappy shoe shine. He yells for Shane to get his shoulders back -- Shane is standing all crazy uncomfortable. Powers gives him one demerit for his boot lacing and one for having a necklace on. He also gets one for his hat. Rachel then camera-talks that she thinks Shane might lose the mission for them on demerits.
Now in the rooms, we go back and forth between the girls' and boys' rooms. Everyone gets a demerit for not buttoning all buttons when they hang up their clothes. The boys finally get three demerits for a dirty sink, then the Colonel has had enough and bails. The boys relax the minute he leaves, but worry that they have one hundred demerits. I wish I could just run around giving people demerits. I give B/M one million demerits for each season of Road Rules. I also give my cat twenty-five demerits for puking this morning. My gardener gets fifty demerits for putting in a faulty sprinkler controller. I give the pollen that's making me sneeze thirty-five demerits. Also, I give Blue Cross four million demerits for constantly raising my rates and Barry Sonnenfeld gets three thousand demerits for making Men in Black II so lame. While I'm at it, I'll give that woman who drowned all her kids one billion demerits, because that shit just ain't right.
Night. Outside. Still raining. They go down the line listing off their demerits. Darrell is first. He says, "Sir, to this cadet recruit Darrell's knowledge, I do not know how many demerits I have, sir." Hee. We get a flashback of Darrell getting yelled at. Someone writes on a board. Looks like he has seven. Shane tells us he thinks he has thirty to forty. We see him getting yelled at, being kindly advised to remove his head from his rectum. It looks like he has thirty-one. Kendal has five for mouthing off. We see someone yelling at her. Sarah says something about demerits affecting them getting to the Bulldog Challenge. I give Sarah four demerits, just because. Now Mr. Cox (his folks get ten demerits for giving him such a goofy last name) says they've impressed someone with their willingness to learn, and then he repeats that they must not go over one hundred to make it and they're going to tally the score now and they try to fake us out by having him write what looks like a "1" but really he's writing a "9" and their final demerit tally is ninety-eight. Bullshit! Such bullshit, man. I don't buy it for a second. B/M, you get 50,000 more demerits for that. Anyway, tomorrow they're going to the Bullshit...I mean, Bulldog Challenge.
Eric tools that it's going to be hard and Rachel slags that she's really pumped for this. Shane, looking like he's fucking with us, says that there is no doubt in his mind that they're going to all pass the mission. Whatever. One demerit.
Now in their bathrobes, the girls are running across the quad being yelled at, and fucking Sarah totally bails. Her legs fly out from under her and she flops onto her back. Hee. I love people falling. It's the funniest thing. So they ask her if she's all right and is she sure, and she says, "Sir, yes, sir!" So now ManlyRusskie is holding onto Sarah's arm as she walks on...hee...and...ho hee...she falls again! Her legs fly out from under her and she crashes onto her left side. Goddamn, that's good stuff. No demerits for B/M for that! Sarah then camera-talks that she realizes there is something seriously wrong with her leg. Now in the room, ManlyRusskie asks if Sarah wants some ice for her leg. "Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" she says. I thought it was funnier when she called her "Sir." Sarah, looking like such a hangdog, tells us she just wants the pain in her leg to go away so she can bleh blah bloo. Shut up, you fell. Twice! Heeeeeee.
Morning. Shane tells us that they're marching to the doctor to see if Sarah can compete with them. The kids have their faces painted all funny. Kendal and Eric have Braveheart shit on. The doctor comes by and tells Sarah she looks cute this morning. Ew. Sarah laughs and then limps in. Kendal tells us that Sarah does seem really hurt, and that it's up to the doctor now. Outside in the hall, the kids discuss it. Some want to carry her. Kendal says they can't force Sarah to do it and make her risk breaking her leg. We see Sarah inside lying on the table getting checked out by the doc. Now Shane tells us that he doesn't think all six will be able to make it, so they won't pass the mission. We close here, on a disgustingly dirty shot of Sarah, seen just from the mid-back up, face down on the table, moaning. You Crack B/M Editing Staff are some dirty motherfuckers. One demerit! Commercials.
Outside. Standing. A cadet asks Sarah what the doc said. She says she's not supposed to compete. She voice-overs that she bruised her hip and the doc advised her not to do the Bulldog Challenge. Oh, bullshit. This is stupid. The cadet tells Sarah to stand at the finish line and cheer her "pretty teammates" on when they come through. Ha. Eric then camera-talks that B/M is changing the rules, and because of Sarah's "injury," they only have to have the five of them make it to win the mission. Crap. Totally crap.
On the field, Sarah apologizes to Rachel and lies that she really wanted to compete. Kendal camera-whores that she thinks Sarah gave it her best. Shane talks some sense, saying that he thinks Sarah could have stepped up and gone through and this would have been a chance for them all to come together. Mr. Cox comes (hee) to them and lies what a great day it is for the Bullcrap Challenge. Eric tool-overs that this is the final for the Citadel and they need to apply everything they've learned here to pass it. What, getting yelled at? That's some good training. Mr. Cox is forced to humiliate himself by saying that if all five pass in three hours, they will get a trip to Cancun from GREEK101.COM. He then tells them they can be excited about that. The kids kinda smile. Hm. This is all very embarrassing for our country. I even feel bad for Mr. Cox, who has to live with that name and shill for B/M's shitty sponsors, too. Rachel tells us that the trip is more than enough incentive.
On a dock, the kids dive into the water in their clothes and swim. Other cadets follow. Now they jog in wet clothes. Then crawl on the grass, then do a goofy-ass wheelbarrow race, as Tool plays. Tool is a fitting band to play during Road Rules. Kendal wheelbarrows on her elbows, tired. Chin-ups. Eric camera-talks that no one is giving up. They have two hours left as the kids crawl through the grass. Shane tries to help Kendal, but she tells him to let go of her arm. She then tells us that she's looking to her dead daddy for strength. She feels like he's watching, and she wants to do something so his ghost can go, "That's my kid." Uh.
The kids jog some more, then crawl over obstacles and logs and walls. Yelling. Yelling. Grunting. Kendal in slo-mo. Shane lisps that his admiration for Kendal has shot up, given the way she's refusing help and shit. Kendal camera-talks that physical ability doesn't matter -- it's just contributing to the mission. Yeah, Sarah. More jogging. Then they say, "Road Rules on three!" and cheer, jogging the final hundred yards. They pass with one hour left over. The best is Sarah at the finish line, waving a flag. They all walk right past her! Heeeeeee. They all hug as Darrell camera-talks that he was pissed at first, but he had fun with it and is glad he did this. Eric says that the "five" of them dug deep and got through it. It looks like he's stolen the flag away from Sarah. Ha. Sarah tries to talk to Rachel, telling her that she overheard the cadets saying the Road Rules kids were doing better than they thought they would. Rachel laughs a "fuck you" laugh. She then camera-talks that she's understanding Sarah more and feels for her more. Uh, how?
Mr. Cox then shills some more about how the kids had way more time left over, and then holds up a GREEK101.COM shirt and says they get the trip to Cancun. Kendal says her dad would have been proud, because she "sucked it up and kept on going." Um, unlike Dad did.
RV. Driving. Kendal tells Eric that the Citadel made her feel closer to her dad. She then camera-talks the same thing. Kendal calls her mom on the cell and asks where her dad was born. Mrs. Kendal says, "North Carolina." Kendal then tells us that finding out about her dad was a big step for her. Uh, okay.
Restaurant. The kids eat and laugh. Sarah gets up to walk around, telling the kids she's very sore. When she's gone, Eric says "She's walking..." The girls tell him he's being mean. Darrell then camera-talks that Eric and Shane are always making fun of Sarah behind her back, and that the girls do it too, but now that they're back from the Citadel, the girls have stopped. "They're, just, like, changed," he says. Now they ask Eric why he's so focused on Sarah; he starts to talk, but Rachel butts in, saying that she's really happy about Sarah, that she could have just given up and quit. Eric laughs, and they trade back and forth, "She didn't quit?" "She didn't quit." Kendal then camera-talks that Sarah has changed and the girls have changed in their attitude toward her. Kendal says that Sarah has told her many times that she's going to try. Shane then camera-talks that they're all very driven, and he wishes Sarah would show similar drive so that he could count on her for the future. Well, you can count on her getting booted in the future, but that's about it. We see Sarah up at the bar flirting with every man in the place as we fade to black.
. Atlanta. They're going to do a step show. We see a big audience with kids stepping. Cheering. Shane says this is harder than he thought. The kids step, terribly. The MC introduces Outkast. Oh, poor Outkast, having to play this wack-ass event and this wack-ass show. And, that's it! Later.
Ten demerits for each of you for watching.