Half Stepping

It's a beautiful day outside. Gorgeous. For reasons I don't understand, I choose Road Rules and a donut instead of a bike ride or Frisbee in the park. No wonder America is so damn fat.

"Previously..." We see the kids dancing, while Shane whine-overs that it sucks to be with everyone on the trip while they're all hooked up and he's alone. We see him, very much alone. Flashback: Shane gets yelled at by the cadets. His head is in his butt, we learn. Shane laughs as Rachel camera-talks that he's getting them demerits.

Credits. The stunts. The incomprehensible song. The naked. Eric with a pineapple over his balls. I'm sure he could have done fine with a regular apple. Like a Granny Smith. Or a plum. Shane grabs Sarah's boobies. Neither of them feels a thing. It looks like Kendal hides her pussy with Eric's head. She's done it before, but usually his head is facing the other direction. Falling. The kids. Alligator. Really, the song is a train wreck with bad scratching and non-singing. I really want to see a tape of the meeting where the "creative" staff played the song for B/M and they were like, "Yes! That's the one!" If we ever needed evidence of both B/M's total apathy when it comes to Road Rules and its horrible taste, this song, from Season Eleven, is it. But then again, it would just serve as Item 4,571 in that pile of evidence.

A field. They're sucking the pee out of the RV tank as Kendal calls for Eric, the pee sucker; in the grass, Rachel and Darrell play a game of Tackle The Person You'd Never Fuck In Real Life But Will Because There Are No Other Choices. Shane camera-bitches about the two couples -- while we see Kendal showing Eric what looks to be a fleck of poo on her hand, and Shane, sadly, walking to join them because he's so lonely. Shane says he doesn't want them to have these deep connections (yes, these two couples are the epitome of "deep") to the exclusion of himself. Not that he gives a shit about Sarah, who sadly sits on a bench alone.

Shane joins Darrell and Rachel on the field. They are going to do sit-ups, and Darrell says that they can do either his or Rachel's routine. Shane, the ass that he is, Paul Lyndes that he's seen both of their stomachs, and he'll chose to do Darrell's, thank you very much. Shane, unbelievably, then camera-talks that he doesn't mean any insult, but it's just "reality." Now Rachel tells us that she thought it was very unnecessary. She confronts Shane, the whole time pushing Darrell's legs back down; Shane really can't grasp that Rachel would be actually upset. Rachel goes on to tell us that Shane needs to be sensitive when he talks to the girls about their bodies. Yes, the girls on the show -- such fat pigs. It's unbelievable that Shane can be so clueless as to how to talk to girls. Gay or straight, we men are pretty fucking stupid when it comes to that. Rachel tells a story about Shane grabbing Kendal's "fat" and making her sad. Rachel goes on to say that "as confident and as pretty as we both are..." (which is pretty funny), they're both sensitive. Of the many reasons this is funny, one of which is that she's deftly cuts Sarah out of the conversation, when it comes to grouping them as pretty and confident. Sarah, gone. Hee.

Now the four jog, without Eric. Kendal is hurting, so the boys go ahead while the girls walk. You know they just want to talk shit...which they immediately start doing. Rachel starts camera-talking that you have to be patient with Shane and that he can insult you without even thinking. The girls, walking, talk about how Shane is really self-centered and doesn't think. Kendal says it's sad how much Shane wants somebody and how it's making him bitter. Yeah, because you have the prize that is Eric, honey. Congratulations, Kendal. By the way, the girls are walking on some scary Blair Witch two-lane highway in the middle of the Ozarks or some shit. If there wasn't a camera following them, those girls would be dead, wrapped in plastic by now.

RV. The kids get a NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue in which the poor B/M Girl asks them if they're ready to "suck it up." They are all more than ready to start sucking. (In fact, they started sucking a long time ago.) The recorded message fools them as they keep answering her. She directs them to Clark Atlanta University. Darrell is very psyched. Suddenly, DOMINO'S PIZZA delivers. And, that plug out of the way, they move on.

The hysterical Chorus of Yos from the song "Welcome To Atlanta" starts as the kids drive the RV into the titular city. (Hee. I said "titular.") They arrive at the campus to find students practicing a step show. Sarah sees all the black people dancing, and declares it "nuts." She then camera-blahs that she didn't even know what stepping was until now. The Mayors show up with the money. The kids think they're winning it this time. Eric then camera-tools that he saw six step groups rehearsing, but instead he shows his big stupid All-American teeth and babbles on about, "hitting it...bouncing it...shaking that ass." And as he's saying this, he's swaying a little bit, in a very sad way, trying desperately to make someone -- the cameraman, anyone -- think he's cool. Only Kendal bites. Only Kendal.

The Mayor -- who looks like Q-Tip -- welcomes them. Shane smiles. Kendal smiles. There are four Mayors: Chris and Drew, and then Two Girls whose names I won't even risk butchering. Everyone is good-looking and welcoming. Way more welcoming than I would be if the Road Rules crew came onto my campus. Although, my college's campus was the streets of New York, and I would have been drunk at the time, so it would have been a whole different scene. Chris brings out their "competition" in the step show, and six overly eager kids run out. Oh, it's the MTV.com kids! Whee! If people on Road Rules are losers, the MTV.com kids are like the sub-losers. Below The Losers. It's really quite a thing to be. Sarah makes some joke about not knowing what MTV.com is and then one of the MTV.com kids -- Sam, this guy who looks like Yaphet Kotto -- asks if they're ready to lose. Sarah recounts this to us, going all floppy-neck, in her sad imitation of a black person, I guess, which -- like most imitations of black people done by a white person -- serves only to make her look whiter than ever. Sarah adds that from then on, they hated the MTV.com kids. For their part, the MTV.com kids look miserable. Chris Mayors on, trying to front that stepping is "very serious," and tells them they're wasting valuable training time. A girl talks about what stepping is -- synchronized movements of hands and feet -- and tells them that all the frats and sororities here do it. They also say that the winner will get the $6,000. The kids fake-clap, pretending to be psyched. They all look like they need naps already. I know I do. Maybe I'll just have another donut.

Now the kids are in this awful high school-looking theatre on stage, learning their routine. They're terrible. It's a plane crash. Their coaches flinch. Shane camera-tools that he thought this would be easy, but it's hard. More laughing at the kids. Shane just wants to watch it. Now Sarah camera-talks, her face all big and enthusiastic in the camera, that this is her event -- that it's her chance to prove to her team that she's not the total useless waste of space America (okay, the five hundred people in America who watch the show) thinks she is. It's all kind of sad and cute at the same time as Sarah says that it has a "performance element" -- and as she says it she kind of wiggles, indicating, I guess, "performance." She concludes that performing is one of her strong suits. The girls do a bit of the routine and don't suck. "It's my time to shine!" Sarah tells us, and then she opens her mouth in a smile so big, I jump back, sure she's about to swallow the entire camera and, by proxy, me.

And then in the Band Room, the MTV.com kids practice. Baby Yaphet Kotto is the shouter and leader of the group, chanting as they run through their routine. He camera-talks that he's leading because he's the loudest; he really wants to kick some Road Rules ass. I sort of hope he does. Oh, uh, we meet the other MTV.com kids here. Nicole is this little whorey-looking thing from Houston; she totally half-asses the routine, while Baby Yaphet Kotto kicks butt. The Asian Patricia is quiet and looks embarrassed to be here. She should be. Mike from Georgia reminds me of that cartoon hillbilly Sheriff Horse. I don't know why. Ashley from San Diego camera-blehs that her mission is to kick ass and walk away with the money. Eh. Scott from PA wants us to love him very much. We don't.

Back with our kids. They're chanting as they move.

The MTV.com kids -- back with them.

Then to our kids once fucking again. They step, and then Eric ends by doing that fucking-while-slapping-her-ass thing the kids love so much. He has his shirt off, and he won't stop. Some people laugh, which is just going to encourage the boy. Kendal looks embarrassed as hell, like she swallowed something nasty, which...well, I'm sure she did recently. Rachel then says, "Kendal, never have sex with him." Hee. Now all the boys have their shirts off.

Shane camera-talks that he's worried now. The girls try something out and Shane talks shit about it. They complain that they listened to his ideas. Kendal camera-sluts that Shane puts himself up and puts the others down. The kids are dismissed.

At a gas station, Shane pumps the gas while smoking right near the tanks. I can't believe they would let him do that, because it really wouldn't be great press for B/M if they all died. But then again, there is no such thing as bad press for a desperate company....

Meanwhile in the RV, Sarah cornrows Darrell's hair as Rachel begins saying, out loud, in front of Sarah, that Shane is competing against them all and "feeling the pressure" now that they're letting Sarah in. They are? Since when? Sarah just cornrows on, offering to groom anyone anywhere, as long as they don't send her shit back to Oklahoma, to the family that hates her. Darrell says that Shane only cares about himself. Rachel sort of just repeats herself about Shane wondering where his place is and them opening up to Sarah. Outside, Shane pumps and smokes, camera-talking that everyone is hooked up and he's sick of being the third wheel (isn't it "fifth wheel"?) and he doesn't know what he's even allowed to say, and so he's stepping back. Good. Please step all the way back. Further. No further. No, silly, there's no cliff there, Shane. Just keep stepping back. Just a little further.... And commercials.

Back. The kids get a room at the BEST WESTERN GRANADA SUITE HOTEL. They're all very tired, but psyched to have the hideously ugly room. Really. I'm going to go out on a limb here and recommend that if you're ever in Atlanta on business, you shouldn't stay there; I mostly say it because they advertised on Road Rules. Therefore, you should also stay away from Nextel and Domino's and American Eagle. Sarah lonely-overs that for the couples in the RV, the whole bed thing is really great, but not so much for Sarah, who knows she's just going to share a bed with Shane. Hee. As they sit around, Kendal camera-sluts about being frustrated with Shane and how are they supposed to move forward as a group? Eric tells us that Shane just wants a "cuddle-buddy" at night, and hates that he's just left with Sarah. Eric laughs at this, maybe because he knows Shane just wants to cuddle with him? Or because Eric is too scared to offer his services. Oh, yeah, he already did that. Everyone moans over their hurt bodies and ices his or her legs, as Eric and Shane decide to bust in on the MTV.com rehearsal, saying that if they're not practicing, they don't want the others to practice, either.

Eric and Shane bust in on the MTV.com kids, and there is stupid talking for a while. Shane does this really uncomfortable grinding thing on the floor in front of the MTV.com kids, pretending this is their routine. All the MTV.com boys look very unhappy that the dudes are busting in on their time, trying to mack on their bitches. The girls tell Shane and Eric to be worried, and then Baby Yaphet Kotto shows Shane his "dirty ass cheek." Hee. They boot the boys, totally not having given them the reception they'd hoped for. Get used to it, boys.

Shane and Eric, looking dissed, decide that they should probably practice more. They're worried now. Hee.