This One Goes To Eleven

You know how when you have a really good cut of filet mignon, it kind of ruins regular steak for you? Or when you drive a Lexus with leather interior, it makes your shitty car seem all the worse? Or when you have sex with a supermodel in a private chateau on the Cte D'Azur high on ecstasy while Radiohead performs a private concert on your balcony, regular love-making never quite seems the same? Well, along those lines, I never should have accepted the assignment to recap The Osbournes. I should have stuck with shows the crap level of The $treet and Chains of Love, because to go from Ozzy to yet another season of Road Rules makes this show -- the show that keeps staying around, regardless of the long, odd, upswing and downswing in the popularity of reality programming, regardless of the relative wackness of each season, and regardless of whether anyone at all is watching -- seem like caca squared. Cubed, even.

Fuck it. Let's start. Steve and the returning-to-chub Blair introduced the new cast in a "Best of" (ha) retrospective on the long-running show last week. I'm not sure why they didn't do the Casting Special (unless I just missed it) or the weekend-long thing they did last year. (Ooh, speaking of which, I saw a girl the other day on the street and I was staring because she had massive breasts and it looked like she was bald, but when I got closer I saw it was the snake-meanness of Coral, waiting to cross the street. I almost threw my Jamba Juice at her.) I guess B/M has finally become like the rest of the world, and they just don't care. In fact, I'm pretty sure B and M haven't seen an episode since, say, Season Four.

Anyhoo, they launch right in, like, half a second after the end of the repeat of Jisela and crew's last show, into the new "This Season On..." where we get a barrage of images of The Same Old Shit. College kids cheering. Boot Camp people yelling. Our new kids crying. Tandem bungee. Car stunts. Beam walking. Pole sitting whilst kids chuck shit. Pudding wrestling. A slap. A lesbo kiss. The obligatory Interchangeable White Couple kissing. (Ooh, I forgot Ellen last year! How diverse, B/M.) The kids Stepping at a black college. Posing nude. Alligator wrestling. Flashing titties. Gay kiss. Interracial kiss. Bag o' money. Sad montage of Having To Vote Someone Off. And...that's it. If only the whole season could go that fast. If only this fucking hour-long first episode could go that fast.

Okay. We're in the Appalachians somewhere on a country road and The Kid I Already Hate Just From His First Sentence appears, walking with a backpack. He's a big white dude and thinks these ten weeks will be the greatest in his life. Actually, the feeling of freedom and relief in the weeks following his divorce when he's in his late thirties from the wife he never really loved, or the knowledge that he'll live to play another round of golf when he survives his second coronary at age fifty-three will probably fill him with more pure joy, but yeah, this might be pretty cool. He stops at a RR "Bus Stop" and reads that he's supposed to wait. He says the only "C'mere, Dog" uttered in recent Road Rules history that actually refers to a real canine, when a dog comes running through a field to him. What the hell is going on? He's telling us -- the kid, not the dog, which is a shame because a talking dog would be much cooler -- that everyone tells him he's the All-American boy, so it must be true. He is Eric, age twenty, from Florida. (Eric is doing nothing to change my view that we should cut and push Florida out to sea. Just cut it and push it. Solve many problems.) He loves having a great time. He's the "All-American boy to the max." Can you hear a person say that about themselves and not hate them immediately and forever? I challenge you. The dog attacks him and rips his All-American face off, and runs back with dinner for its Appalachian family, and yet another white boy dies, bleeding-out on the side of Rural Road 794 in the middle of West Virginia.

Kendal is twenty-one, from Seattle. She wears a "fur" coat that screams "Hey, I'm rich but shop at vintage stores because I'm 'hip.' Fall for me but don't get too close. If you do, I will fuck you but then tear your heart out and justify it with the fact that I'm 'wounded.'" She says she's nervous -- having grown up as an only child -- about living with others in such a close space. I now notice that the kids have American flags on their packs. Wow, I wonder how 9/11 will affect Road Rules? (Comic beat.) Bwah-ha! Kendal and Eric run towards each other, now shadowed by two killer dogs.

Rachel is nineteen from Florida. She's cute. She tells us that she's excited but nervous about leaving herself open to judgements. She tells us that she doesn't want her lesbo relationship with Amy to define her, but then on her casting tape, flaunts her "Latin Lover" out for the camera, and they grind on the dance floor.

Darrell is twenty-two. He's The Black Dude. He's from Oakland (whoo-whoo) and at first understandably thinks he has to play The Black Dude role for B/M, telling us that you ain't seen no black dudes out here chasing mountain lions and shit. I trust he'll relax soon. He's an amateur boxer who hopes to go to the Olympics. He meets Rachel.

As the two dogs try to rip each other's throats out, Kendal asks Eric if he's gay. No. (It's not like blowing a couple guys drunk in your frat one night makes you gay or anything.) Neither is she. He says that it's "a good thing." She agrees. Eric voice-overs shit about Kendal and her coat being straight out of Hollywood and he's psyched and she's blonde. Kendal camera-talks that she never plans to fuck anyone, but she usually just ends up doing it anyway. A school bus comes. Ah, I see. The theme with the schools and the...I hate you B/M.

Shane is twenty and gay, from North Carolina. He tells that he just came out to his mom and he knew his whole life was going to change. In a casting tape, he says he likes girls, but guys much more.

Sarah is nineteen from Oklahoma. She's afraid no one will like her. No one will like her. She and Shane find each other. They make small talk.

The bus picks up Rachel and Darrell. Rachel tells us that it looks like they put her in a "freaking fraternity." Kendal, because she needs to categorize the world immediately into people she will and won't fuck, asks if they're straight or gay. Darrell is straight. Rachel lies that she's straight too. (I would make a joke about her nose growing even longer at this point, but I'll resist.) The bus picks up Sarah and Shane. Shane camera-talks that he doesn't want to enter into this as "The Gay One" before they get to know him. Of course, immediately, they ask him if he's gay. Shane says he is. Kendal says that makes sense. They all laugh uncomfortably as they say something about the gay ones always being cute. Shane wants to run. He says things aren't clear cut. Rachel finally takes the out to...well, come out. She says she's bi. Someone responds, "Sweet." She and Shane shake gay hands. Eric tells us the trip has officially begun.

Intro. Stunts. Stunts. The graphic theme is some weird blueprinty thing happening, interspersed with the kids and their vitals on the blueprint. Falling. Falling. Naked. Falling. Surfing a car. There is a song that goes something like, "Leave out your rules. These are the Road Rules!" Someone should seriously be shot for that. And title. Logo. Fuck off.

The bus drives and the kids get to know each other and quickly make sure we hate them. Sarah launches into how she hates girls and is more masculine and hangs with the dudes. Kendal camera-talks that she tends to be girly.

They arrive at Appalachian State University on the faux-football field where they meet Mission Mayors (yes, they're still calling them that) Steve and Jen. Steve leads off a chorus of cheers by welcoming them to the eleventh blah of blah, and then trots out the yearly big lie, which is that this year things are different. No. They're never different, Steve. One day I'm going to be forty, sitting on my Mylar couch eating my food pellets and recapping Road Rules. Things don't change. Sadly. Steve tools on that they will be going to fifteen unlucky campuses and doing missions and getting prizes. If they fail two missions, they have to cut someone. Darrell tells us that he didn't know people were getting the boot. Obviously, he didn't watch last season. He and America. Sarah is deflated before our eyes, she says. So are your chances of not getting cut, honey.

The kids go to get their keys. They walk to a big water area where screaming bored college kids stand. Eric tells us the screaming girls made him happy. The Road Rulers make asses of themselves as they go to the water's edge on a pier. The canned cheering continues as Steve talks about their annual Polar Plunge, a fundraising thing. There are buoys in the water with keys. They have to dive in and get the keys and see which one unlocks the Fleetwood. The water is nearly freezing. All six will jump in at the same time, clothed or not. Eric camera-talks that he's "so psyched to take [his] shirt off and hear the girls yell." Hey Eric, can you hear me yell? "You are a fucking tool!!!" Hear that? Good. You can All-American kiss my ass. Darrell tells us that Shane and Eric were loving the crowd but he wasn't used to people cheering for him. Eric has my boxers. I'm going to go throw them away. Sarah camera-talks something taking the rare chance to be in her undies in front of a crowd. She says she feels popular. Rachel is the only one clothed. Commercials.

Back. Cheering. There is a thing they try to make seem dramatic where Shane jumps in early. Who the fuck cares. Slo-mo. So-stupid. It's cold, says Shane and Darrell and Kendal. They swim to the keys and get out but we don't even get to see nip as suddenly they're dressed in warm clothes and drinking coffee and getting into their RV. Morons designed it with a notion of what college kids would find cool. There is a sticker that says "Pimp Mobile" and handcuffs and a Lounge sign in the bedroom. Shane tells us that the RV is phat as hell. They get directions to go to an RV park. They drive, Kendal thinking about flashing her titties. And as they drive away, Appalachian State University both takes a deep sigh of relief and then of sadness as they realize that was the most exciting event that will take place there all school year.

Driving. They go to a campground and get their site. Sundown. They read shit on their iBook about the season and prizes. If they fuck up two missions, they can give away all prizes they have earned so far, or give someone the Jisela. The kids whine about having to boot someone. Kendal hysterically calls the rule about giving back the prizes "shallow." All three girls immediately start saying they should vow to fuck the prizes and not boot someone off, all three fearing being booted off. Shane is not in favor of making a pact; obviously he's pretty sure he's going to be hating someone soon. They all giggle.

Bedtime. Kendal and Eric put down a sofa bed. She tells him she's going to rock his world. Eric tells us he gets to sleep with her. She tells us he's cute. Shane watches, laughing. Everyone is all sleeping together. There is a "sex monkey" stuffed animal near them. Eric and Kendal start counting a bowl of condoms, to see how many are then gone by the end of the trip. Everyone is sort of laughing and being stupid and then everyone's asleep. But then Shane whispers what are they doing and Kendal says nothing and he says he heard the sheets rustling and knows what's up. Eric's private gay side comes out when he invites Shane to come cuddle with them. I don't understand. Shane comes over. Kendal is between the boys and Shane asks where Kendal's panties are and everyone laughs. Shane calls himself "the walking chastity belt" for them. Eric laughs his ass off. Then it's morning.

Morning. They head back to the school for their real mission.

Sarah camera-talks that she's not trying to guess what their mission is. Really? Wow. How interesting.

They arrive at two nine-storey dorms with cables running between the two roofs. Kids are screaming and our kids are wondering what they're going to have to do. Darrell is excited. They wonder some more.

At the top, they get harnessed in, and Eric talks about being high up. Some Old Dude talks to them about not getting near the edge when they're excited and not clipped in. All right, old-timer. Someone has drawn a chalk body outline down below. The Mayors show up with money: six thousand dollars. They announce that the kids will pair up into teams of two, and go across the wires, just holding onto each other, face to face. Steve says the wires are "a freaking hundred and eight feet" off the ground. Hee. Douchebag. It's sixty feet across. Each boy-girl team gets two chances only. Kendal jumps up and down and claims Eric as her teammate. Shane and Rachel -- the Gays -- are together. "Gay Pride," says Rachel. Darrell and Sarah don't pick each other, but are stuck together, bitches Sarah.

Shane and Rachel are first. It seems pretty hard. Shane says it feels much higher. They talk to each other and encourage one another, and make fake tension as we go to commercials.

Back. Shane and Rachel shimmy across and keep going and finally make it. Rachel screams like she's hurt. Everyone cheers. Kendal announces that they must feel very good.

Sad music plays as Sarah and Darrell go. Sarah tells us that she's not used to relying on people. Awwwwww...she's nearly crying. They start out, both kinda bitching at each other. Mostly Sarah. Darrell says it's all cool until he tells her she can lean on him. She stupidly leans on him and goes into the splits and they fall. Darrell camera-talks that it's his fault. They console each other as they go. It's funny how I can both laugh and have complete apathy at the same time. Human emotions are cool.

Eric and Kendal. "Front, slide," they say. Kendal wants to go slower. "Shh, quiet!" she says, adding, "Focus." I'm sure that was what she was saying last night. Kids watch from dorm windows. (I would so find a way to chuck eggs at them or something if I were in college and Road Rules dared to come to my campus.) Eric and Kendal shake. Talk. Shake. Talk. "Don't lose it," everyone yells. Then they fall. Kendal says it really freaked her out. As they hang in the air, Kendal tells us that it was a "highly emotionally charged moment," so she grabs Eric and kisses him. Hee. They make out on the way down. Eric voice-overs that it was sweet and sensual. Yeah. Really. In a totally non-sensual way.