So this is it, folks. You guys have bravely stuck with me, while not even B/M watch the thing anymore. I would like to think they read the recaps, however, but I'm not sure they know how to read. And at the risk of sounding like I'm dropping names, it seems fitting that in three hours I'm meeting Msaada for coffee. It's been a year, and I still miss that season more than you can imagine. What I wouldn't give for a little Theo right now...okay, that didn't come out right. Oh, and I thought of a few other things more emotionally affecting than this final episode: stubbing a toe. The restaurant being out of pie. Having to do laundry. "Closing Time" by Semisonic. Someone you don't know and never have even heard of having a bad day somewhere. Toast.
So the kids have just finished their boot-camp thing and they're driving through the mud, joking around, and Steve is camera-talking that they're camping in these two big 'ol tents for the night before continuing the part of their mission. They're preparing for an "evacuation" flight from their fake country of Snackland (or so the captions tell me it's called, and it sounds like a really cool place to be) back to McGuire Air Force base. As the kids fuck around and hang up clothes, Steve floats that he was raised on bases and did the whole moving-around-constantly thing, and as Sophia tries to hug and kiss him, Steve goes on to say that the end of this thing won't affect him as much as it will the others because he's used to leaving people. In other words, he's trying to prepare for us to not think he's a asshole when he doesn't cry because everyone sucks and he's glad to leave them. This Army-brat thing is a cover. As the others frolic and kiss and hug in the background, Steve lies on the cot, continuing to float about not being too sad and hopes and dreams and closing chapters and clearing his throat, since the lies are getting caught back there.
Now in the background, Adam hits Ellen in the face with a plate or something and she screams and laughs and Steve stops camera-talking and says, "That's the most disgusting relationship I've ever seen by man. Seriously. Ugh! It makes me puke. Ugh! It's not even a relationship. It's, 'I make fun of you and then you have sex with me. I'm going to demean you as much as possible in public...and then you give me oral sex.' How does that work?" Quite nicely, if you're Adam. Now The Disco Music of Some B/M Editor Missing Queer As Folk A Little Too Much starts as Adam pushes Ellen into the mud outside. She screams, loving it. He has her down in the mud and he's actually rubbing mud on her face and making "spa" jokes and she says, "Dude, you know you're going to be licking this off later," and just maybe Adam is putting mud places we can't see it, in that case. Adam says, "I only do this because I love you." The sight of a shirtless man wearing camouflage pants pushing a girl down in mud and saying "I only do this because I love you" makes me think I'm watching COPS or a Judith Light TV movie, not Road Rules. Now everyone hugs in the tent and switches off and then there's a big group hug.
Now Adam is camera-talking, about the moment when you look back and realize how much you've overcome and how important these people are and he's all choking back tears and having to stop...and I'm glad I'm not a B/M cameraman because I wouldn't be able to stop laughing. Adam goes on and on about learning stuff, and "...it breaks your fucking heart." Sky. Sky. Adam huffing and crying. Pussy.
So the kids have all the crest pieces and they're putting them together and they're actually having a hard time figuring it out. The last time I visited my mom, I did a one-thousand piece puzzle with mostly all-white background, and these kids look at ten pieces like it's a fucking Rubik's Cube. Man. Anyway, they get the crest together and say how nice it looks (it doesn't). Sophia floats some B/M bullshit about looking at the pieces of the crest and you're looking at the Six of Suck themselves and all the struggles they've been through and something about how it's like a "journal." (Did we even see them earn all ten pieces? I can't remember nor do I care enough to go back and look.)
Oh, Lord. So now the kids are obviously doing something they're being forced to do and Katie says that she thinks Ellen "earned" the TRUST piece when she did the human tower, and yes, we get a flashback of that glorious day. Now Ellen says she liked ENDURANCE because it was a test or something and Sophia says that it was hard because that's when she lost her love, Jisela. Flashbacks of the booting. Blair says he flunked INGENUITY because he couldn't find anyone to bungee-jump with him, but Sophia had the scariest partner (I still maintain it was her fault because she held onto the platform when the old man jumped.) PATIENCE goes to Jisela because her snake-charming technique was good, I guess. We get shots of the lame-o snake snapping at her and missing by miles. Katie gets DETERMINATION and no one can come up with a reason, so Sophia says some shit about it being her first mission and she didn't want to show she was afraid of the flying through fire. Blair says that he's learned to put faith in other people. He goes on, "Mixed-emotions-wise, I mean, this is the end of the whole thing." Wow. Is that even a sentence. (Well, having to watch the whole season of this shit sure is. Zow! Goodnight, everybody!) He goes on to describe the Road Rules crest as "sweet." Aw, Blair! You're not supposed to eat it!
The kids are eating dinner in the tent and Adam toasts something about them laughing at farts together, and we'll let that touching sentiment hang in the air (ew) as Blair floats that it's over and it's sad but not sad cuz it's over. The kids toast, and crap music continues to play crappily, and we limp to commercials like we've never limped before.
Morning. The kids get on a bus at 5 AM to go back to McGuire. As they drive, Adam babbles about tight bonds, and Blair babbles, "We're like a fraternity now, you know?" So the keg stands are at 7, the group peeing on the floor at 9, and then date rape at 11? Ellen voice-overs something, but who really cares?
Base. The kids are flying out on a KC-10. Adam explains that a KC-10 is a refueling plane. The kids get on the big plane and there's a huge Air Force banner in the background, but they don't get a good shot of it, so I guess the Air Force defaulted on their commercial payment to B/M or something. The trip will take five hours; they'll refuel planes in mid-air and then arrive back at the base. Huh. That sounds very boring -- a five-hour flight in a circle. Sort of like the feeling of watching a episode of this show. Now the kids are in the refueling bay (I just made that term up -- you like it?), and they get excited as a B-2 Stealth Bomber approaches for refueling. Blair says that no one else ever gets to be that close to it. The B-2 crew radios a message to the Road Rules gang that they have to return the crest in one piece to some Major General back at the base. What bullshit this is. Just such a waste of everyone's time. ExpoEllen explains what we just heard and also says, "Handsome reward," getting ten bucks from B/M for saying it. I don't think anything makes me madder than "handsome reward." The kids deplane on a red carpet.
Now the kids are back on a bus, and Sophia is floating exactly the same thing Ellen just said, including "handsome reward." Fuck, man. I'm tired already. Adam comes up with the brilliant plan that when they hand over the crest, they should all put a hand on it. Wow. I don't know what to say. Now, because there's time to waste and nothing to talk about, they have Sophia float that she looks at the crest and thinks wow, six different people came together to "make something great happen." What? Did I miss something. What did they make happen that was great?
So the kids enter a big-shot military meeting and they salute and say, "Road Rules Ten, all present and accounted for." I give up. The Major General says a speech -- as Adam tries not to laugh -- listing the ten "virtues" and talking about how much they've been through and blah blah blah GoDefendOurCountrycakes. He lies that he's proud of them and gives them a little box, telling them to go to Hangar 50 and turn a switch, whereupon the door should open. The Six of Suck bring up the crest, Steve refusing to put a hand on it, and leave. They run across the base. The captions say something I don't hear -- I guess they edited it out. Ellen says, "I think it's stupid they're making us run." Hee. Of course it is.
Now at the hangar, they all camera-talk about their handsome reward and how excited they are. I hope the hangar is fucking empty. I'm pretty sure they're totally just fucking around now because they say they're ready to faint and then they all chant Road Rules and they're just treating it all like a goof, I think. They cruelly make the kids continue to stand outside the hangar as we go to commercials.
So the hangar opens and they run in to find six SUVs. Everyone is psyched. They are Suzuki somethings. The kids get in. They laugh. They goof. Ellen tells Katie it's a V-6. They make the kids sit in the vehicles and do little mini-commercials where they say what a nice car it is, but Suzuki is not paying me, so I'm not going to talk about it. Ellen says she's a horrible driver. They make the kids wear Suzuki caps. The kids drive out in a line.
New York. Sirens. Music. The kids are packing at a hotel. Adam is sad. They hug. Sophia says she has to say goodbye to everyone because she lives right there in New York; she floats that they've been through a lot, and she'll email Katie, and Blair loads her bag in a limo (where is her Suzuki -- stolen already?) More hugs. Hugs. She continues that she's spent a "good portion" of her life with these kids (huh?) and she'll miss them. She says she's nervous to come out to her dad, but reality is setting in and she's going. Hugs. Growls. Limo. Gone. One down, suck to go.
Another limo. Adam floats that he's given everyone the best he has to offer and they got the best of Adam (really, no kidding?) and this is the Adam he wants to go home with and he's crying and they're at an airport and he says he doesn't know if he's going to continue to be this Adam he loves when he's back home. Adam is crying. No one else is. Crying. Crying. They're all like, "Leave already." He stops and weeps, "I've had the best time of my life with you guys." Man, Ellen's blowjobs must be fucking fantastic. "Be cool, man," says Blair. Ha. He doesn't care. Ellen is going. Steve floats that something about trust and they're not done with the crest, that they have it inside, and Katie calls Blair "Sandwich" -- which is a good nickname for him. Ellen is now floating some shit about knowing she had it inside her (you mean, Adam's cock?) and there's hugging and Ellen had to prove to herself and everyone else about dealing with people and everyone and love and flying colors. Ellen's gone. Gone. Go. Bye.
Now just Blair and Steve are left, and Blair says, "You taught me a lot, even though most of it was false information, it still sounded really cool, though." They walk away, then stop, call for each other, and run, dropping their bags, and leap into each other's arms. Hee. Okay. That's one of the few genuinely funny moments of this season. The captions say: "(both sob girlishly)." Man, that's funny too. So they laugh and then go. Montage. Montage of stunts. Jumping. Hugging. Walking. Walking. Hugging. Crying. Super 8 footage of the kids in snow. Ellen dancing. Blair doing splits. Now Jisela is floating. Hm. She says the Quest meant a lot to her because it was the first thing she did that her mom didn't want her to do and during this we continue the montage and Jisela says that she learned from this and she didn't make it to the end but she falls and she gets back up. Sophia floats that Jisela is irreplaceable, and that Sophia will miss her every day. We see the day when Jisela left and how sad Sophia was. Jisela floats, "Thank you," and she's crying now and she says, "Thank you for teaching me how to fail." Uh, you're welcome. She says that whatever bad happens to her makes her stronger. Jesus. The. Montage. Continues. Ellen floats that this has been the most "remarkable, astonishing, unbelievable, surreal experience." Jesus. Katie is licking Steve's face. Steve floats that he's going to keep using these virtues and Blair floats that he thanks them for letting him be himself and he loves them all. Adam now. He floats that the quest is not over and it's "an incredible segment" (wha?) and it's not over but is the beginning of great friendships. More Super 8 shots. "It's not easy to be me," says the crap music as we end on a shot of the kids holding the crest in a wheat field.
And that's it! And they go right to the new Britney video and just like that I'm staring at Britney's stomach and I forget all the pain.
Until time! (Oh, uh, I guess until week when Temptation Island 2 starts. Just enough time to order a whole fucking mess of booze...)