Hey kids. Los Angeles is in the middle of a early fall heat wave. I barely slept a wink last night because, despite the fan and the no covers, my ass was sweating so much. What does that have to do with this recap? Well, not much. Except to say that without the sleep I am crazy tired and thus, I might not make any sense. Like I might just type something like this for no reason: the monkey stole the toothpaste. See. It makes sense to me, but that's just because I'm tired. Shall we? Bad dog.
Previously. Jisela got voted off. Yet again. We've seen that how many times now? Nineteen? Yes. Sophia says that she's trying not to "hate on" Ellen since she thinks it should have been Ellen who was booted, but she's having a hard time. So are we all, honey. Ellen talks on the phone and says that Sophia is cold. Sophia talks on the phone to her father, calling him "Papi." Or Poppy. Or however you pronounce it. I never called my father that. I just called him "Can I have some money?" and "Dinner's ready" and "No, I swear I didn't steal your Playboys." Blair floats that Sophia is scared to tell her father that she's gay, and Sophia says that if she does and he turns his back on her, she's "dead to the world after that."
Opening sequence. Do I really have to go over it again? No? Thank you. More coffee? Yes. Thanks. The cloud just ate my hamster. Oops, sorry. That's the no sleep talking again.
Spain. Tioga. Driving. Salsa music plays. Outside the RV, Sophia talks on the phone to Jisela. She calls her "Sharon." Jisela comes back and floats that she is Sharon. She says that they changed her name and her accent (she speaks in a crappy Southern accent straight out of Petticoat Junction) so the other [beep]s won't know it was her on the line. "Dog, oh my god, I miss you so much," says guess who? Sophia understates that she connected with (wanted to do) Jisela a lot, going on that when she was booted she was very sad (figured she'd never get to do her) -- sadder than she's ever been in her life (and vowed to one day do her). She tells "Sharon" that she'll talk to her later. "My friend Sharon," she says to ADDam who then gives her a look like, "Dude, I'm a total fucking retard, and yet I still know you're talking to Jisela."
“ Adam has the Road Rules sign painted on his face. They don't explain it, so I'm not going to care. Basically, they have six hours in which to accomplish this -- jump, that is, not try to make me care. That would take a whole fucking lot longer than that. ”
The kids find out their mission is for the Crest of Ingenuity. Man, I'm glad there is no Crest of Spelling, because I would never get it. I would, however, get the Crest of Sleepy. Pink couch. Toucan. Hello! The clue says that they have to take "a leap of faith," and Ellen puts forth this stunning declaration: "What I take from it is that we're literally going to be leaping...off a plane, a bridge, a mountain." The kids arrive somewhere and see a big crane and Katie yells so that only dogs all around Spain can hear, "We are bungee-jumping!!!" Sophia says that her heart is going to exploded as this is even bigger than their BASE jump. ExpoADDam explains that there is a gorge under a bridge and they'll be jumping from a crane down into the gorge. Thanks.
They meet their trainer, Oscar, who explains that to get the crest piece, they have to find six people with whom to jump; their six new partners must have a combined age of 300 years. They will be tandem jumping, two at a time, backwards. Adam has the Road Rules sign painted on his face. They don't explain it, so I'm not going to care. Basically, they have six hours in which to accomplish this -- jump, that is, not try to make me care. That would take a whole fucking lot longer than that. Blair tells Adam that he might want to wash the sign off his face or no one will want to jump with him. The kids head off to find some old people.
Looking For Old People montage. They talk to various old people -- Ellen and Adam being the only Spanish speakers -- trying to get the old people to jump with them. No one will. Ellen's left eye goes crazy, searching the stars for help as she explains to us that people look at them like they're in a cult asking them to jump to their death with them and why won't they just give them a chance? Man, you can't handle my pronouns, can you, fuckers? A red-faced guy turns Ellen down. A woman turns Blair down. Steve -- HiSteve! -- explains to old people; they walk away, but he grabs them. Hee. Steve floats that people give one of two reactions: "disgust" and "I can't believe you would ask me this stupid question." An English gentleman politely says, "I don't think we will." Sophia complains that since neither she nor Katie speak Spanish, they're relying on Ellen. Suck. Old people dis the girls. Sophia begs a guy who we learn is named Manuel. Sophia in on her knees in front of a man. Well, there's a first time for everything. He says he has to think about it. Ellen tells Sophia to show him her boobs. The kids bitch to Oscar. He says they need to try harder -- offer to clean their houses or something. Adam floats, "We're screwed." He sees a "recovery mission" in their future. Blair yells, "Somebody jump with me!" Ellen walks. Commercials. Finally. Wake me up when they're Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
“ We go to commercials, Sophia having murdered a friendly old Spaniard. Just like every week. ”
Steve has an American woman, Diane, who's fifty-three. He says he'll hold her, and that he's a very comforting guy and she can look into his eyes. Steve, all trying to get freaky with the middle-aged coochie. They're up and they jump. Diane can't believe they jump from that high, but they go. The song! Again! Fucking hell. Diane says that Steve was her savior but screamed louder than she did. Steve is gone. He doesn't like her so much anymore. Poor Diane.
Well, "poor Sophia," too, because she has a mere ten minutes to find someone. Random people float that they're screwed. Adam finds a sixty-eight-year-old dude who will go. He's crazy, we see. Adam floats that he came up out of nowhere (B/M paid him) and said he'll go and won't stop talking. So on the way up, the old guy -- Osvaldo -- and Oscar are yelling and having a good ol' time in Spanish, and Sophia is just scared. The guy is nutty. Awesome and wacky, but a fruitcake. He's a bad-ass. On the platform, Sophia is scared and Ellen floats that Sophia doesn't like heights and the Crack Editing Staff does a bunch of slo-mo shit as Sophia explains, and we hear, that she asked for a few minutes and they said that they just need to jump and everyone is watching and she asks them not to rush her and Oscar is trying to pry her hand loose and Osvaldo just goes and instead of letting go, Sophia grabs on tighter so the old dude falls and eventually she gets snapped off and they swing into each other and everyone watching screams and they're gone and Ellen yells, "Sophia!" and we go to commercials, Sophia having murdered a friendly old Spaniard. Just like every week.
We're back. We get more shots of the accident and everyone is yelling and finally they yell for Sophia to give a "thumbs-up" if she's okay and she is and Katie's hand is shaking. I can't believe they're not dead or hurt. They're let down and everyone rushes to Sophia but they ignore the poor old dude. Sophia says, "This guy's a fucking lunatic." Oh fuck off, you almost killed the poor guy by holding on. Suddenly, just like that, I hate Sophia. I'll get over it, but she almost killed him! They do a group hug and finally Sophia goes to the old dude and he says to her, "You almost died!" He's not pissed or suing, though. Surprisingly. Yet. Adam and Blair are making fun of the cheerful dude right in front of him and he should clock the young American douchebags, but he doesn't and we fade to a stupid shot of the bridge.
Oscar gives the kids the Crest of Ingenuity and Sophia takes it and there are cheers and Ellen tells us that now she knows no one is going home and I guess this mission is near the end? I don't know. Whatever. Sophia floats some bullshit B/M makes her say about Ellen helping her find someone to jump with, and it shows that Ellen is very determined and builds "a little bit more respect." Crap. The editors know it's all crap because they just stop the music cold and move on to the segment.