Hey kids. Los Angeles is in the middle of a early fall heat wave. I barely slept a wink last night because, despite the fan and the no covers, my ass was sweating so much. What does that have to do with this recap? Well, not much. Except to say that without the sleep I am crazy tired and thus, I might not make any sense. Like I might just type something like this for no reason: the monkey stole the toothpaste. See. It makes sense to me, but that's just because I'm tired. Shall we? Bad dog.
Previously. Jisela got voted off. Yet again. We've seen that how many times now? Nineteen? Yes. Sophia says that she's trying not to "hate on" Ellen since she thinks it should have been Ellen who was booted, but she's having a hard time. So are we all, honey. Ellen talks on the phone and says that Sophia is cold. Sophia talks on the phone to her father, calling him "Papi." Or Poppy. Or however you pronounce it. I never called my father that. I just called him "Can I have some money?" and "Dinner's ready" and "No, I swear I didn't steal your Playboys." Blair floats that Sophia is scared to tell her father that she's gay, and Sophia says that if she does and he turns his back on her, she's "dead to the world after that."
Opening sequence. Do I really have to go over it again? No? Thank you. More coffee? Yes. Thanks. The cloud just ate my hamster. Oops, sorry. That's the no sleep talking again.
Spain. Tioga. Driving. Salsa music plays. Outside the RV, Sophia talks on the phone to Jisela. She calls her "Sharon." Jisela comes back and floats that she is Sharon. She says that they changed her name and her accent (she speaks in a crappy Southern accent straight out of Petticoat Junction) so the other [beep]s won't know it was her on the line. "Dog, oh my god, I miss you so much," says guess who? Sophia understates that she connected with (wanted to do) Jisela a lot, going on that when she was booted she was very sad (figured she'd never get to do her) -- sadder than she's ever been in her life (and vowed to one day do her). She tells "Sharon" that she'll talk to her later. "My friend Sharon," she says to ADDam who then gives her a look like, "Dude, I'm a total fucking retard, and yet I still know you're talking to Jisela."
Driving. Driving. Driving. Sophia and Ellen walk; Ellen sluts that she doesn't want to force anything (except Adam's cock into her mouth) but she felt that when Sophia voted to boot her and told her why, she took it to heart. She goes on to say that she hopes Sophia is still willing to give her a chance. At this, Sophia turns and yawns hugely. Hee. Ellen floats that Sophia loved Jisela, so Sophia is mad at Ellen and thus won't open up and thus the elephants and the helicopter. Oops. Sorry. Sophia tells us that, basically, she's never met someone she didn't want to get to know...until she met Ellen. She then turns around and tells Ellen, "It just takes time." Hee. Ellen goes on, saying that sometimes when Sophia won't even respond to her, she wonders whether she has to "sing and dance and do what to prove to this girl that [she wants] to get to know her." Sophia responds, "If I can't trust you, I can't talk to you." Ellen then goes on to display her tenuous-at-best hold on the English language -- as The Music Of My Twitchy Spleen plays -- by left-eyeing crap to the effect that there is only so much she can do, and if they're not having any of it and relationships are a two-way street and there comes a point where if they're not responding she just has to say, "Peace out." To which Sophia would respond, "Dog," I'm sure. Katie whores that Sophia and Ellen actually deal with many of the same issues and thus if they talked they would most likely really get along. That makes no sense. I have two friends who are deathly afraid of dogs. Does that mean that they would have tea parties and go bowling together over that common bond? Stupid Katie. Go home. We want Segun.
The kids climb into the Tioga. On the phone with a friend, Ellen talks about her father. She says that her father told her that they were praying for her every night. At the front of the Tioga, Sophia talks to her "Papi." We keep cutting back and forth between two phone calls that were probably not even on the same day. Blair floats that Ellen is worried her parents are going to think they raised her the wrong way. Sophia floats again that her father means the world to her. Ellen. Sophia. Ellen. Sophia. Ellen tells her friend that she feels like the black sheep and doesn't want her parents knowing the things she does; basically, she doesn't want her folks to know the things she puts in her mouth: alcohol, cigarettes, cock. Sophia now. She forces her dad to say that he loves her. She floats that she's more scared of telling her father she likes pussy than anything. She tells her father she loves him. She then camera-talks that she's cherishing every time she talks to him, because if she comes out and he disowns her, it might be the last time they talk, or the last time he looks her in the eye. She tears up as she tells us this. Now Blair floats again the 'tarded theory that Sophia and Ellen should bond over their daddy issues. Go eat something, nosy.
The kids find out their mission is for the Crest of Ingenuity. Man, I'm glad there is no Crest of Spelling, because I would never get it. I would, however, get the Crest of Sleepy. Pink couch. Toucan. Hello! The clue says that they have to take "a leap of faith," and Ellen puts forth this stunning declaration: "What I take from it is that we're literally going to be leaping...off a plane, a bridge, a mountain." The kids arrive somewhere and see a big crane and Katie yells so that only dogs all around Spain can hear, "We are bungee-jumping!!!" Sophia says that her heart is going to exploded as this is even bigger than their BASE jump. ExpoADDam explains that there is a gorge under a bridge and they'll be jumping from a crane down into the gorge. Thanks.
They meet their trainer, Oscar, who explains that to get the crest piece, they have to find six people with whom to jump; their six new partners must have a combined age of 300 years. They will be tandem jumping, two at a time, backwards. Adam has the Road Rules sign painted on his face. They don't explain it, so I'm not going to care. Basically, they have six hours in which to accomplish this -- jump, that is, not try to make me care. That would take a whole fucking lot longer than that. Blair tells Adam that he might want to wash the sign off his face or no one will want to jump with him. The kids head off to find some old people.
Looking For Old People montage. They talk to various old people -- Ellen and Adam being the only Spanish speakers -- trying to get the old people to jump with them. No one will. Ellen's left eye goes crazy, searching the stars for help as she explains to us that people look at them like they're in a cult asking them to jump to their death with them and why won't they just give them a chance? Man, you can't handle my pronouns, can you, fuckers? A red-faced guy turns Ellen down. A woman turns Blair down. Steve -- HiSteve! -- explains to old people; they walk away, but he grabs them. Hee. Steve floats that people give one of two reactions: "disgust" and "I can't believe you would ask me this stupid question." An English gentleman politely says, "I don't think we will." Sophia complains that since neither she nor Katie speak Spanish, they're relying on Ellen. Suck. Old people dis the girls. Sophia begs a guy who we learn is named Manuel. Sophia in on her knees in front of a man. Well, there's a first time for everything. He says he has to think about it. Ellen tells Sophia to show him her boobs. The kids bitch to Oscar. He says they need to try harder -- offer to clean their houses or something. Adam floats, "We're screwed." He sees a "recovery mission" in their future. Blair yells, "Somebody jump with me!" Ellen walks. Commercials. Finally. Wake me up when they're Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Back. Suck. Crane. They go back out to find people. Ellen is determined. How inspiring. Ellen does get a guy in his late forties: Rafael. She's happy, she tells us. Sophia is thankful. As a worker straps her in, he asks, "First time?" She answers, "Uh, yeah. First time." That's what she tells all the guys. Oscar shows how they jump backwards and then she tells us that she feels like she's going to barf all over herself. They're up on the crane now, and the closed captioning just says, "(Ellen moaning)," which is funny, and she feels pressure, and say what you will, but Ellen usually does get the job done. Sophia says that she hopes Ellen doesn't back out and Ellen hopes her nervousness doesn't spread to anyone else and there is the countdown and they jump! Everyone is watching and cheering. She thanks Rafael. Ellen then floats, "I can't even put it into words, but I need to put that aside right now because there are five other people who need to find partners and we have less than five hours." Hee. She has to put aside the fact that she can't even put it into words. Brilliant!
More searching. Ellen whines to old folks. Katie complains to the camera. Katie finds an American, Duane, who is forty. They all need to average fifty, but they'll take him. Adam explains this, that they'll make up the numbers. Ellen floats that she needs to recruit some people. Katie introduces us to the San Francisco native Duane. This is such a fucking retarded ten minutes. They just keep repeating the same shit and looking for people and telling us they're looking for people and creating false tension. They should change the name of the show from Road Rules to False Tension. And really, I'm too tired. I'm far too tired. Coffee and the sky and manholes. Foot. Tooth. Zzzzzzzzz...
Katie is strapped in. She doesn't want to do this, but they go up. She can't. She can't. She doesn't want to. Oscar talks her into it. She's scared. Ellen yells that she's making a movie. (Jigga-what? Oh, she's holding a video camera. Huh. I bet she uses that a lot.) Duane holds onto her and they go. They're done. "I'm such a wimp. I hate it," says Katie. She liked it but doesn't want to go again. She thanks Duane. He risks life and limb and gets nothing. Sucks. Adam runs over and says that he and Blair found two British women to jump with them. Adam introduces the old bird Ann and says, "How old are you?" She should really slap him. How rude. But she says she's fifty-six. They're strapped in and Ann is scared of heights. Suddenly they're up and they jump and this song is terrible. Down now, Adam congratulates Ann for not even screaming. She says she was too frightened. She's funny. Again. Sophia is talking to her Manuel guy. He's forty-eight. He wants to watch someone jump first. So they wait. Voirrey from England is fifty-nine and she's funny and tells us that she's entrusting her life to Blair, who she's just met. "It's going to be a blast," she says. They jump. The song continues to kill small animals and pets. Voirrey had fun. Sophia now goes to find Manuel but can't. He bailed. Hee! Sophia floats that she and Steve need to find people aged 103 total.
Steve has an American woman, Diane, who's fifty-three. He says he'll hold her, and that he's a very comforting guy and she can look into his eyes. Steve, all trying to get freaky with the middle-aged coochie. They're up and they jump. Diane can't believe they jump from that high, but they go. The song! Again! Fucking hell. Diane says that Steve was her savior but screamed louder than she did. Steve is gone. He doesn't like her so much anymore. Poor Diane.
Well, "poor Sophia," too, because she has a mere ten minutes to find someone. Random people float that they're screwed. Adam finds a sixty-eight-year-old dude who will go. He's crazy, we see. Adam floats that he came up out of nowhere (B/M paid him) and said he'll go and won't stop talking. So on the way up, the old guy -- Osvaldo -- and Oscar are yelling and having a good ol' time in Spanish, and Sophia is just scared. The guy is nutty. Awesome and wacky, but a fruitcake. He's a bad-ass. On the platform, Sophia is scared and Ellen floats that Sophia doesn't like heights and the Crack Editing Staff does a bunch of slo-mo shit as Sophia explains, and we hear, that she asked for a few minutes and they said that they just need to jump and everyone is watching and she asks them not to rush her and Oscar is trying to pry her hand loose and Osvaldo just goes and instead of letting go, Sophia grabs on tighter so the old dude falls and eventually she gets snapped off and they swing into each other and everyone watching screams and they're gone and Ellen yells, "Sophia!" and we go to commercials, Sophia having murdered a friendly old Spaniard. Just like every week.
We're back. We get more shots of the accident and everyone is yelling and finally they yell for Sophia to give a "thumbs-up" if she's okay and she is and Katie's hand is shaking. I can't believe they're not dead or hurt. They're let down and everyone rushes to Sophia but they ignore the poor old dude. Sophia says, "This guy's a fucking lunatic." Oh fuck off, you almost killed the poor guy by holding on. Suddenly, just like that, I hate Sophia. I'll get over it, but she almost killed him! They do a group hug and finally Sophia goes to the old dude and he says to her, "You almost died!" He's not pissed or suing, though. Surprisingly. Yet. Adam and Blair are making fun of the cheerful dude right in front of him and he should clock the young American douchebags, but he doesn't and we fade to a stupid shot of the bridge.
Oscar gives the kids the Crest of Ingenuity and Sophia takes it and there are cheers and Ellen tells us that now she knows no one is going home and I guess this mission is near the end? I don't know. Whatever. Sophia floats some bullshit B/M makes her say about Ellen helping her find someone to jump with, and it shows that Ellen is very determined and builds "a little bit more respect." Crap. The editors know it's all crap because they just stop the music cold and move on to the segment.
Tioga. Night. A drunk Ellen and Sophia talk. Ellen says that she doesn't think she's making her parents proud right now. Sophia wonders why, if she's just being who she is, and then makes her sit down. The Tioga pulls out. Warning: the following conversation is stupid. Sophia says that she's glad she's the person she is and likes how her parents raised her, by way of making Ellen ashamed to be ashamed. Blair watches. Ellen says that she's trying to be "that person." Ellen continues, "Who I am is who I am." Edie Brickell is rolling in her grave. Sophia interrupts that who she is is not who she is in the RV. Follow that? No? Good. Sophia goes on to say that Ellen wouldn't care if people caught her smoking, otherwise. Ellen responds that she doesn't want to make her parents sad. She goes on, slurring that her parents have only met one boyfriend "of all the many boyfriends" she's had. She continues, and explain this to me if you can: "Because that's the only person I felt like I needed to explain to them or show them who I'm dating at this point." (What? Who? Where? Lampshade?) Sophia laughingly interrupts that she's getting to know Ellen and it's an epiphany as Ellen keeps right on whoring that she'd rather save her folks the heartache than have them know shit that isn't important. Sophia floats that the shit Ellen does is not correct in her culture, and that people would look down on Ellen's folks because of her. Ellen goes on, "Their disrespect is going to come from her poor image." Yeah, I don't know either. Ellen now blubbers that she's ashamed of some of the stuff she's done. "But they can't say the same thing, either," says Sophia. Wha-wha-what? Ellen cries that she really hopes they're not and she's scared because she doesn't know what she'd do without them because it's finally hitting her. Ellen cries because she makes no sense.
Sophia says that what she's about to say will make everything easier for Ellen. She makes sure Ellen is listening and then talks about coming out being the hardest thing and it'll tear her family up and it's the first time she's put herself before her family because it's her life and it's that extreme that she will lose her family! (Man, I fucking hope, for the obvious reason and because it would be funny, that after all the histrionics, that Sophia's parents just go, "Yeah, we know you're gay, Sophia. I mean, obviously. So what?") Sophia gets all righteous and teary as she says this. She's done. Ellen responds, "I know my parents. And if they knew half the shit...." Hee. Sophia's looking all, "Bitch, I just told you this big thing and you can't even respond to what I said!? Fuck y'all." This is just two girls crying and having two different conversations. Ellen says that it would kill her parents. This is like the end of The Breakfast Club will the crying and the yelling, as Sophia comes back with, "You wanna know why I haven't told my father, Ellen?" She says it again until Ellen is forced to go, all bitchy, "Why, Sophia?" "I'm afraid of killing him!!!" says Sophia. Ellen thinks of something to top Sophia with as she talks. ("Well, my dad will turn to stone when he finds out!" "Well, my dad will burst into flames! Literally! Flames, right there!") As the two girls continue, Sophia floats, "I think everybody's personal struggle is their personal struggle." Hm. I disagree. I think everybody's personal struggle is a cheese sandwich.
ADDam floats, poorly reading B/M lines about Ellen and Sophia finding this commonality and maybe it will help them both do something about it. Ellen and Sophia hug at some restaurant. Sophia says that she's willing to start over for these last eighteen days and they call each other "lame brain" and "Japanese." Now Sophia floats that she does care about Ellen, but laughs as she collects the twenty-spot from B/M for lying. Outside, Katie tells Sophia to seduce Ellen, so Sophia starts dancing around and showing leg. Ellen floats that everything happens for a reason, and she knows they're going to be friends because Sophia talked to her in a way that "no one else can." Wha? Ah, fuck it. It's over.
. We're back in Morocco. Oh, how I hate B/M with their timeline. Anyway, some dude leads them to this big open space with what looks like big vats of poo. I think this is a sewer plant or a dye factory or something. Katie is disgusted and complains about the smell and almost barfs. "The smell...I don't live like this," bitches Katie. Brilliant! That's the best line ever. I hope she ends up in a Moroccan jail for five years for that disrespect. "You have to work!" yells the scary man. "I said no! No! I quit!" yells Katie. And we're done. Awesome.
And hey, I made it through without totally falling asleep. I mean I, candle. Shoebox. Turtle.j sa. Ffjiasjpi...ajsigovp.......