Hey kids. It's been a couple of weeks since that terrible day, and I hope we've all had a chance to get at least part way back to normal. I think that part of the healing process is being able to laugh. And an important part of that process, is being able to make fun of other people. And who better than the Six of Suck as a target for our derision? Let the healing begin.
The producers forego the "Previously..." because the already sketchy time line has been shot to hell. We instead get a preview, where a Hemingway-daughter-looking lady with an accent welcomes the kids to her "dating office." The kids will be going out on dates; we get quick shots of their dating tapes, in which Ellen, by the way, says she's from Chicago. She's obviously ashamed of being from Ohio or Iowa or whatever fly-over state she's actually from. (No offense to the fly-over-livers; I just think it's a humorously dismissive term.) Ellen says she's never been on a blind date and that she doesn't like them. Yeah, there is no "I imagine I wouldn't like them..." or "I just have a feeling I won't like them." The mental leaps this girl fails to make are astounding, and oddly fascinating to watch.
Opening. We know it. We hate it. Let's move on.
Spain. Altea. The kids, in a hotel somewhere, get their instructions and have to show up somewhere. They do. It's a club of some kind somewhere. This is like recapping Lost or something with the info we get. ADDam voice-overs that, as usual, they really need money, and the great thing is that for a second I could not remember Adam's name right there. As though things had been happening in the world to suddenly make the names of people I don't know and don't like suddenly unimportant. Go figure. The kids are met by the aforementioned Hemingway daughter named Marie-Claire, who is to be their employer. She takes the kids into her office. Steve -- HiSteve! -- floats that all the kids are immediately "spitting at her," which really sounds pretty rude if you're not down with the lingo. MC explains that they're now in "a place of romance and love," but with her accent it sounds like she says "Romans In Love" which is actually the name of a gay bathhouse my uncle owns in San Francisco. Adam asks MC whether she's available, and she says that it's not all about her. We get a funny shot where Steve and Sophia are looking at her all moony while Katie is shooting her some serious stink-eye. Hee. MC goes on to say that each of them will be going out on a date that night to earn some money. ExpoSophia explains what MC just said and then tells us that she thinks it's going to suck so bad. The kids will now, one at a time, make date tapes, which, naturally, are pointless because their dates, having been flown in from America, were picked long ago. Stupid B/M. But the tapes will kill a couple of minutes so what the fuck...
Date tapes. The kids float in front of an even-B/M-would- call-it-gay animated background of pink hearts, and talk to the camera. Katie says who she is and where she's from. Sophia says that allllllllll she wants is someone with a sense of humor who can have fun anywhere. Adam tools that physical appearance is the most important thing. Blair says that he doesn't know whether he has a physical dream girl...she just has to be able to cook pie. Katie wants a stud-muffin. Steve goes on a funny rant about liking "puppies, children, laughter, love, and hugs." Mixed in with Steve being funny, Ellen left-eyeing about how she likes dancing and shit, she seems even more 'tarded than usual, which is a feat. Good job, Steve. The interesting thing, which B/M will naturally not do, is to give the kids the opposite of what they want, and see how they comport themselves. Give Adam an ugly-ass woman, and watch him treat her like shit. That's television, y'all.
Back in the Romans In Love office, Sophia complains that she's nervous, and then floats that she didn't know if her date was going to be a guy or a girl. MC comes in with folders covering each of their dates. Record time! Sophia opens the folder, and it's a woman named Kelly. "That's awesome," says Sophia. Steve jokes that he got a swimsuit model and that "sucks." MC reveals the stupidity of the tapes as she announces that the kids were chosen through people submitting themselves through MTV.com. So basically, they get to go out with the young people in America who have the most time to surf the internet. (And we all know what a disgruntled bunch of sarcastic and semi-people-phobes they can be, huh?) MC wishes them a good date, hands out condoms (no, but that would make everything more interesting), and they leave.
Adam floats that they only have four hours to get ready, so they need to find a hostel or somewhere to shower and wash their stinky asses. HiSteve and Sophia walk down the street; Sophia is nervous and wants some of Steve's confidence, "dog." This is the most Steve we've ever seen, which already makes it the best episode thus far. At "Hostel Paco," Adam tries to organize a bathroom order based on who has to go on his or her date first. (I once knew a guy we called Hostel Paco. In third grade. Fucker stole my bike then call me "puta." I hated that guy.) The Worst Song Ever starts, which goes, "Put on your makeup. Apply it with care. Use your imagination. We can go anywhere." This is while the girls put on their makeup, get it? Get it! Get it!!! This is third-grade level of creativity we're witnessing from B/M. It doesn't get any more juvenile than this. The kids from All That! think Road Rules is childish. Sophia asks the boys how her clothes look while Ellen and Katie smoke outside and vamp around and say that they've never been on blind dates. Katie says she usually dresses like this, and that they're going to get wasted. Meanwhile, Sophia realizes that she only has "granny" underwear as Steve floats that he hopes Sophia has enough gusto to go with her date, despite being nervous. Sophia asks the others about her clothes; they say she's a "sexy bitch," and she leaves.
Sophia gets out of her cab and it's dusk and she walks up the stairs of whatever crap hotel B/M has dumped Kelly as Sophia voice-overs how nervous she is and ends by saying she's gotten "every kind of rejection known to man." Ow. You know, there really aren't enough lesbian dating shows, are there? I know I'd watch. No...really, I'd watch the shit outta that. Commercials.
So Sophia's date answers the door. She's Kelly, aged twenty, an Au Pair from St. Louis. She's pierced and cute. She and Sophia nervously hug. Blair greets the blonde Elizabeth. She's nineteen, a Bridal Consultant from Houston. Ellen meets Erik, a Model/Actor from Los Angeles. (A model/actor from L.A.!? Get out!) Katie greets Michael, a bland-looking twenty-three-year-old Baseball Equipment Manager from Michigan. Steve, heading up the stairs, predicts that his lines will be like Kryptonite and that his date will be helpless against them. A dopey Amy answers the door. She's twenty-three, a Swimsuit Model from Auburn, Alabama. She's very made-up. I smell bitch, and it ain't just coming from the direction of my angry cat. Steve is already babbling to a non-reactive Amy. Uh oh. Adam's date is Danielle. Nineteen. From New Jersey. She's an Office Assistant. She seems nice, even though she's with Adam. Sophia doesn't know where she's taking her girl. In the cab, Blair calls his date "Kimberly." She's Elizabeth. He tries to play it off like his folder on her was wrong. Hee. Danielle holds Pooh in her hands as Adam "comically" bitches about the crappy state of their RV. She giggles. Did ADDam take his meds? Stay tuned!
Ellen tells Erik that she doesn't believe in having "frivolous relationships." "That's good," replies Erik. Two lines. Two people. Two lies. Bug-eyed, Erik asks Ellen whether she's closed to meeting new people; she says no. (Translation: "Is there any chance I might get at least a blowjob tonight?" "There is a good chance.") Katie rides in silence with Michael. She reveals that she has a boyfriend of five months. Michael looks straight ahead. Adam and Danielle laugh at how non-showering they all are. Ellen goes on to say that she thinks most people aren't worth her time. Erik agrees. In Steve's cab -- which is so dark it becomes clear that B/M only had five camera lights and decided not to bother giving one to Steve's cameraman -- he says that he didn't expect the uncomfortable silence for another fifteen minutes. Amy barely smiles. Uh oh. Steve floats that his Kryptonite is not working on her. Sophia and Kelly search for somewhere to eat.
At a restaurant, Blair and his girl drink. Katie bitches for Michael just to pick anywhere. Seated now, Adam reveals to Danielle that his big goal in life is to run a marathon. Hm. That's shooting for the stars in life, Adam. Danielle lists the forty event she ran in high school track. Adam is either scared, impressed, or gassy. I can't tell. Katie and Michael sit in uncomfortable silence. Sophia and Kelly find a place. Ellen drinks wine, telling her boy that he's "insightful" for a twenty-one-year-old. Seated now, Steve asks Amy when she and her boy broke up. Two years ago, she says. He asks why, running through the list of possibilities to a silent Amy. "He's dead," she finally says. The look on Steve's face...damn. It even prompts her bitch ass to say, "It's okay." Steve then goes floaty and just stares at the camera, shrugging. "Wine? More wine...Amy...." he says. "How do you come back from that? I mean...not...." He continues to mug. It's very funny. (Hey B/M. A little more Steve. Please. I'll make one less joke at your expense per week. Deal?)
At their restaurant, Ellen whores, "I have to admit, you've definitely met or exceeded most of my expectations, or, if not, all, for tonight, so...kudos to you." Wow. High praise. Erik should be so very...I don't know. Not honored but maybe happy that he's that much closer to getting head. Ellen reveals that she's drunk. Okay, a bit closer still. Sophia and Kelly have a good ol' time talking about the Spanish language and drinking wine and taking photos. The Music Of Budding Sapphic Love plays as the girls laugh and do funny "thumbs up" things to the camera and just joke around. Sophia looks happy, like the excising of Jisela is finally underway. It's good to see. Sophia floats that she can say whatever and that Kelly will laugh. That sounds like a perfect date. They walk down the street and point and talk. Adam bitches about the girls in the RV putting on a lot of makeup for missions and taking a long time to get ready; Danielle, quite presumptuous, says, "You know, I'm very low-maintenance in the morning." Too bad Adam isn't, with the medicine regimen and all the gel. Adam yawns and goes to the bathroom. Immediately Danielle puts on lipstick. Hee. Meanwhile, Katie's and Michael's Very Bad Date continues as they make awful small talk about how little Michael ate.
Ellen and Erik walk, holding hands. Ellen is drunk. Steve and Amy are walking very far apart and not talking. Ellen asks Erik whether he's a hopeless romantic. Well, no guy who thinks he might be close to getting a blowjob is going to say no. To whit: Erik says, "Totally." Steve finally gets Amy to lean into him as they walk. Good for him. On the beach, Ellen is fizzucked up and laughs and smokes and babbles and trips. She laughs and giggles and then the water splashes them and Erik is realizing she's now gone past that point of fun-and -hopefully-easy drunk into she's-gonna-barf drunk. Blair and Elizabeth emerge from their restaurant. (Quickly, I'm surprised B/M would pay for six separate camera crews. That leads me to think they staggered the dates to three at a time. What do you think?)
In a cab, ADDam and Danielle do a bit where he asks her favorite movie and then whispers what it should be ("say Top Gun") and she says it and they marvel at how weird it is and how they should run and get married right away. Those moves: had them in eleventh grade. Thought they went out of style. Who knew? Meanwhile, Sophia and Kelly stand on the street and flirt. "It's been a good night" goes another terrible B/M song choice as the kids hug their dates at their respective doors. Blair's date says goodnight, without his even getting any pie. Adam furiously knocks on Danielle's door as she laughs. Yeah, he didn't take his meds today. Erik and Ellen walk to a taxi stand. Ellen almost gets run over. Like, seriously, within inches of not dying. Erik jokes that he did actually want to kill her at points on the date, but didn't. I'm sure he's only half-joking since it's becoming more and more apparent he ain't getting none, after all that. After listening to all that crap come out of her mouth. Poor actor-slash- model-slash-temp. Katie tells Michael, "You're home," in as unfriendly a manner as possible. Sophia and Kelly hug -- genuinely hug. The boys all stand on the street comparing photos from their dates on their digital cameras. Blair is saying his girl was very cool, but we didn't get to see that. Sophia comes up and they tease her when she says how awesome her date was; she doesn't say that she didn't get some, so maybe she did and they just didn't show it, which would really be just about the cruelest thing B/M has ever fucking done to me. Sophia says "dog" eighteen times in the scene. That's how you know she had a really good time. Just count the "dog"s.
Steve floats, "I pride myself on being sexy, but the really [sic] player out of everyone, by far, is Sophia." Hee. Meanwhile, Ellen and Erik walk up her stairs and hug and Erik now hates her. Someone behind the camera (Katie?) asks Ellen how they got along and Ellen tries to talk but trips and just spazzes out drunk, not making sense and laughing and taking off her shoes. Katie and Ellen walk down the street and Ellen drunks around and swears and walks in her stockings. She sees the others and starts running. Blair says, "Someone is sloppy." Ellen approaches the others and laughs and no one is amused. In a lame and half-hearted effort to create some type of drama, B/M pays Blair forty lire and a Twinkee to float, "If we don't get paid because Ellen is drunk, I'm going to be pissed off." Commercials.
Back at MC's Romans In Love office, MC explains to the kids that they asked the dates to rate The Six of Suck from 1 to 10 based on how they were as dates. Thus, the kids will get paid twenty bucks per point -- the money to be received individually, instead of as a group as usual. Steve looks very upset. Hee. Katie starts singing, "I got a ten." I hope she's joking. Adam floats and says that Ellen is going to have to suffer the consequences of her actions. The cute Danielle gives Adam a 10. Fuck. I hoped somehow she'd dis him. Katie, shocker, gets a 10. Amy, blankly, gives Steve a 9. That's nice. ElizaKimberley gives Blair a 9.9. Sophia gets a 9.75. Sophia is happy. She floats, "Oh my god, maybe I am a good date!" Hee. Erik gives Ellen a 7.2. "Oooh, wow!" says Ellen. Blair says something joking about Ellen as Adam tells MC she's the cutest employer they've had thus far. Your lines may work on nineteen-year-old secretaries from Jersey, but not adult women from Spain. Sorry.
The kids then have to get their money from, surprise, Western Union! They go to Western Union! where they get paid (and get their ninth Western Union! t-shirts). Sophia floats that Kelly gave her money and a great date and she's very happy about it.
At the Tioga, Blair eats ice cream as Ellen sucks on a ten-inch Popsicle. She whores, "I feel bad. I feel like I was selfish. Maybe I should have been thinking more about him and his welfare...his good time." Blair heartily agrees with her assessment of things. Ellen says something about dating and then laughs, detaches her jaw hinge, and shoves the entire Popsicle into her mouth.
Sophia sits out on the rocks somewhere looking at a Harry Potter book Kelly sent her, with an inscription about how much fun she had on their date. Go Sophia! Sophia closes the book and stares out at the water. Msaada floats by on a Ski-Doo and tries to get some camera time, but it doesn't work.
week. Sophia talks to her dad on the phone, but then Steve floats that Sophia thinks she's going to lose her father if he finds out she's gay. (Well, that problem should be solved one way or another when he sees this show, huh?) In the Tioga Sophia, tears in her eyes, says that she's going to put herself on the line and that if she loses her family doing it, too bad. Everyone looks intense and sad for her as they listen. Also, the kids have to win The Crest of Ingenuity and they're on this high platform and some guy lets go and it snaps Sophia off and they plunge down a canyon (on bungee line, of course.) Everyone yells, "Sophia!"