Valley Girl is on Comedy Central right now, and I'm having to choose between watching the My Chauffeur girl tearfully tell a slope-eyed Nicolas Cage that she can't see him anymore because her friends think he's gag-me-with-a-spoon, and watching Road Rules. That's a decision no one should have to make. The bright spot of my morning: my dream was wrong. I just had a dream that, with all the TV schedule shuffling between the attacks and the late World Series, Fox had a scheduling gap and was thus going to put on two never-aired episodes of The $treet. Whew, it was just a dream. Right? Right?! Ah, now Nicolas Cage is all drunk and talking to himself in a parking lot. Unfair.
Fuck it, let's go. So they don't even bother trying to pretend that any of this opening is "previously" as they show the kids at a dinner. Sophia voice-overs that Katie and Steve dig each other. She says that Katie "thinks she's gorgeous" and that Steve loves the attention. Katie licks Steve's face all over. ADDam dumb-overs that if he had a serious girlfriend back home, she'd be upset if he was sleeping in the same bed with another girl. Dude, if you had a serious girlfriend back home she'd be upset that she was dating you.
Opening. Desert. Different. Camels. Kids. Helicopter. Flying. Snakes. Soldiers. Naked. Crying. Lame. Booted. Ten. Done.
Day breaks. Or night falls. Day. I guess. Who can tell? Who cares. The RV drives on a high mountain road as it's raining. Simon and Notfunkle plays as HiSteve! and Katie talk in one of the beds. Steve says that his girlfriends are usually that darling combination of knowing-how-to- dress-up and also not-afraid-to- look-like-a-slob. You know, in other words, she's a human being. Katie agrees with Steve's dream-girl assessment pretending that she actually is that, even though she has no idea what her actual skin looks like without makeup. Steve now floats that Katie has many of the qualities he likes in a girl (a vagina, the ability to take his constant and vaguely tiring jokes) and would date her. So would Katie, but she tells us that she has a boyfriend and thus they're just friends and Steve does little favors for her. But not, we assume, the little favors Adam does for Ellen under the covers late at night when his ADD makes him occupy his mouth with something other than talking.
Night. Tioga. Steve is playing with Katie's toes. Ellen screams that Steve just sucked on Katie's smelly, sweaty, disgusting, drunk toes. Yeah, everyone is drunk. Ellen is blitzed, and she babbles that someone else on the RV needs to work some stuff out. Adam laughs, but then again, Adam would laugh at an episode of She's The Sheriff.
Day. Beach. Green graphics read, "0700 Hrs. Country: Spain. Location: Somewhere." Oh, what the huh? Last week obviously lied to us, since this is not going to be the tannery episode back in Morocco. B/M lied to us! Shocker! Adam sleeps. The Music of My Bitter Coffee That I Will No Doubt Keep Drinking All Morning Until I Make Myself Vaguely Sick plays as Ellen Burstyn knocks on the RV door. She hands a clue to Ellen and Steve and Katie look down from the upper bunk. The clue is obtuse, but maybe only because Adam is reading it, but it says something about the crest and teamwork and training. Adam then floats that Ellen Burstyn disappeared and they are now to travel to a supermarket parking lot. The Graphic of Stupid reads that it's 1100 Hrs. and En Route to Specia. I'm only going to bother with these a few times, people. The Tioga is indeed driving now. Oops, they're not going to "Specia." I had it on pause. They're En Route to Special Ops Training. Hee. ["Wait a second. Ellen Burstyn?" -- Wing Chun]
On the RV, Katie pulls down Steve's pants and everyone laughs. The B/M Crack Staff tiles out Steve's anus. What a job. Be proud of yourselves, boys. Shit, then again I have to watch this crap. Not much better. Ellen and Katie joke about whether Steve is a "giver or receiver" in bed. Steve says that he's a giver. Katie says that "two givers make it a lot of fun." Steve just stares, thinking, "Man, my girlfriend is so dumping me when this shit airs."
Adam voice-overs that they arrive at the supermarket to find an old guy "with more ear hair than [he's] ever seen." I hope I don't get ear hair when I get old. My grandpa had that. It's pretty fucking nasty. The old guy, Roland, vaguely explains -- in some odd accent I can't place -- that in their mission, they will have to do some sort of climbing; Blair then floats that Roland had climbing gear for them, and knew that they were going to do some more climbing. Wow! How did he piece that together?
Montage of Putting On The Climbing Gear gives way to Montage of Climbing. Sophia tells us that this is Katie's first time rock climbing; on the face of the rocks, she indeed bitches, like she's talking about runny eggs or something, "God, I hate this!" She continues, "Put me down! I'm not doing it. I'm not." But she does. Ellen left-eyes that Katie is not doing so well, and they make her draw a comparison to Jisela to increase the non-tension. Higher up, Katie says that she's never hated anything so much, ever. On the ground, Blair stands back to back with some old lady, watching. Who are you, old lady? Ooh, it's The Mysterious Climber-Watching Old Lady Of The Spanish Forest. I've heard tales of her since I was a wee lad. Steve hugs Katie on the face of the rock and jokes with her as Roland laughs and jokes. Katie floats that the hug made her feel better. On the ground, Ellen licks her sleeves and wipes away Katie's mascara runoff. Ew. Steve jokes that he could have done that as Roland's ear hair reaches out and hands them their clue. Blair reads that they're supposed to go to a hotel. He then floats that they have no idea what their mission is. Neither does B/M.