“ MC explains that they're now in 'a place of romance and love,' but with her accent it sounds like she says 'Romans In Love' which is actually the name of a gay bathhouse my uncle owns in San Francisco. ”
Hey kids. It's been a couple of weeks since that terrible day, and I hope we've all had a chance to get at least part way back to normal. I think that part of the healing process is being able to laugh. And an important part of that process, is being able to make fun of other people. And who better than the Six of Suck as a target for our derision? Let the healing begin.
The producers forego the "Previously..." because the already sketchy time line has been shot to hell. We instead get a preview, where a Hemingway-daughter-looking lady with an accent welcomes the kids to her "dating office." The kids will be going out on dates; we get quick shots of their dating tapes, in which Ellen, by the way, says she's from Chicago. She's obviously ashamed of being from Ohio or Iowa or whatever fly-over state she's actually from. (No offense to the fly-over-livers; I just think it's a humorously dismissive term.) Ellen says she's never been on a blind date and that she doesn't like them. Yeah, there is no "I imagine I wouldn't like them..." or "I just have a feeling I won't like them." The mental leaps this girl fails to make are astounding, and oddly fascinating to watch.
Opening. We know it. We hate it. Let's move on.
Spain. Altea. The kids, in a hotel somewhere, get their instructions and have to show up somewhere. They do. It's a club of some kind somewhere. This is like recapping Lost or something with the info we get. ADDam voice-overs that, as usual, they really need money, and the great thing is that for a second I could not remember Adam's name right there. As though things had been happening in the world to suddenly make the names of people I don't know and don't like suddenly unimportant. Go figure. The kids are met by the aforementioned Hemingway daughter named Marie-Claire, who is to be their employer. She takes the kids into her office. Steve -- HiSteve! -- floats that all the kids are immediately "spitting at her," which really sounds pretty rude if you're not down with the lingo. MC explains that they're now in "a place of romance and love," but with her accent it sounds like she says "Romans In Love" which is actually the name of a gay bathhouse my uncle owns in San Francisco. Adam asks MC whether she's available, and she says that it's not all about her. We get a funny shot where Steve and Sophia are looking at her all moony while Katie is shooting her some serious stink-eye. Hee. MC goes on to say that each of them will be going out on a date that night to earn some money. ExpoSophia explains what MC just said and then tells us that she thinks it's going to suck so bad. The kids will now, one at a time, make date tapes, which, naturally, are pointless because their dates, having been flown in from America, were picked long ago. Stupid B/M. But the tapes will kill a couple of minutes so what the fuck...
“ So basically, they get to go out with the young people in America who have the most time to surf the internet. (And we all know what a disgruntled bunch of sarcastic and semi-people-phobes they can be, huh?) ”
Date tapes. The kids float in front of an even-B/M-would- call-it-gay animated background of pink hearts, and talk to the camera. Katie says who she is and where she's from. Sophia says that allllllllll she wants is someone with a sense of humor who can have fun anywhere. Adam tools that physical appearance is the most important thing. Blair says that he doesn't know whether he has a physical dream girl...she just has to be able to cook pie. Katie wants a stud-muffin. Steve goes on a funny rant about liking "puppies, children, laughter, love, and hugs." Mixed in with Steve being funny, Ellen left-eyeing about how she likes dancing and shit, she seems even more 'tarded than usual, which is a feat. Good job, Steve. The interesting thing, which B/M will naturally not do, is to give the kids the opposite of what they want, and see how they comport themselves. Give Adam an ugly-ass woman, and watch him treat her like shit. That's television, y'all.
Back in the Romans In Love office, Sophia complains that she's nervous, and then floats that she didn't know if her date was going to be a guy or a girl. MC comes in with folders covering each of their dates. Record time! Sophia opens the folder, and it's a woman named Kelly. "That's awesome," says Sophia. Steve jokes that he got a swimsuit model and that "sucks." MC reveals the stupidity of the tapes as she announces that the kids were chosen through people submitting themselves through MTV.com. So basically, they get to go out with the young people in America who have the most time to surf the internet. (And we all know what a disgruntled bunch of sarcastic and semi-people-phobes they can be, huh?) MC wishes them a good date, hands out condoms (no, but that would make everything more interesting), and they leave.
Adam floats that they only have four hours to get ready, so they need to find a hostel or somewhere to shower and wash their stinky asses. HiSteve and Sophia walk down the street; Sophia is nervous and wants some of Steve's confidence, "dog." This is the most Steve we've ever seen, which already makes it the best episode thus far. At "Hostel Paco," Adam tries to organize a bathroom order based on who has to go on his or her date first. (I once knew a guy we called Hostel Paco. In third grade. Fucker stole my bike then call me "puta." I hated that guy.) The Worst Song Ever starts, which goes, "Put on your makeup. Apply it with care. Use your imagination. We can go anywhere." This is while the girls put on their makeup, get it? Get it! Get it!!! This is third-grade level of creativity we're witnessing from B/M. It doesn't get any more juvenile than this. The kids from All That! think Road Rules is childish. Sophia asks the boys how her clothes look while Ellen and Katie smoke outside and vamp around and say that they've never been on blind dates. Katie says she usually dresses like this, and that they're going to get wasted. Meanwhile, Sophia realizes that she only has "granny" underwear as Steve floats that he hopes Sophia has enough gusto to go with her date, despite being nervous. Sophia asks the others about her clothes; they say she's a "sexy bitch," and she leaves.