Hey guys. You know, every week I come here in this space to talk about Road Rules and I was thinking, maybe we can talk about something else this time? You know, like I'll talk a little about my day and then I'll tell you how much I liked Hedwig and the Angry Inch and then I'll tell some funny-ish story from my childhood and you'll laugh harder than you should just to make me feel good and I'll draw you the tattoo I'm thinking of getting and you'll tell me it's cool but that I shouldn't get a tattoo and then we'll go get a Slurpee, play on the swings at my old school, and everything will be good. Can we do that? Just once? No? Crap.
Previously on blah blah...Ellen got mad when ADDam didn't clink glasses with her during a toast. Ellen then flipped him off and said that Adam turns into Dr. Jekyll when he doesn't take his meds and holy shit we better not still be on the Adam/meds thing because I was already bored of this story line when I was fifteen. We end with a montage of Adam yelling in the marketplace in Fez and a toothless Moroccan yelling back. What Adam doesn't know is that the dude is actually yelling, "Take your fucking meds, you dumb American shit," in French.
Opening. Things are different. No they're not. They still suck and I still have to sit here every week telling you about them. Man, I never thought in a million years that I'd miss Holly or Theo, but I do. I so do. I would miss Msaada but B/M is pretty much treating Steve just the way they used to treat her, so I feel as if she's still around. Shots of the kids. Of missions. Someone could get booted. I Jis-wonder who.
Some town. The Tioga. The Moroccan chanting plays very loudly -- it's that yelling/singing that, to me, just sounds like, "Now we slit your belly open for looking at our women the wrong way." People. Walking. The Tioga. Great opening. Now we're in the RV and Ellen is wiping something off Adam's mouth -- an action she's used to doing, but to herself -- as she floats that she likes ADDam and they're attracted to each other, but she doesn't understand how he can go from being secure and sweet to being an ass. Yeah, it's a fucking mystery how you could possibly elicit mixed signals from a man.
Hotel lobby. Somewhere. Time line is all "Jigga-when?" as Blair has a big ol' bandage or something around his neck. Good job, B/M. They didn't, like, think that would throw us? Fuckers. Anyway, Ellen is standing there in a bathrobe with no makeup on, smoking, and Adam tells Blair that Ellen looks like trailer trash right then. Ellen takes off her bathrobe as she mumbles, "Such an ass." I guess that's our example of Adam being a dick, but in her bathrobe and smoking in the lobby, she totally does look like trailer trash. And she took off the robe, which just makes her look wimpy wimpy wimpy. She sluts on that Adam will be the first one to talk shit, but then if you talk shit back about his behavior, he'll just say that he didn't take his medicine. Yeah! Of course. He's a baby. You're all babies! Babies complaining about babies. It's like hearing the thoughts of infants, watching this show sometimes. Like some weird Look Who's Talking sequel, but without Kirstie Alley, which is actually a good thing.
In the trailer, again, Adam says that he can smell Ellen's pussy. He so stole that line from Multiple Migs in Silence of the Lambs. I hope Blair makes him choke on his own tongue. ADDam cackles as Ellen hits him and whines, "You are so disgusting." Jisela then floats that she hates Adam when he's not on his meds. Adam goes into some weird hand game/chant about saving it for Oprah, but then he fucks up and just laughs. Ellen calls him something. Adam then starts to say something, but Ellen just tells him to take his medicine. And then -- and I can't believe I have to write this -- Ellen floats, "Take your medicine. Program it into your Fossil watch." Jesus Christ, B/M can fit in a commercial anywhere. One of the kids could die and they'd find a way to do a cooperative crossover deal with some casket maker. I hate everything. Ellen whores on that Adam is a grown man (sorta) and needs to take responsibility for his actions (true).
The Tioga driving. Driving. Driving. Adam and Ellen stand outside the RV as Ellen tells Adam, using the third person for him in a way that makes me want them to fly home and leave her in Morocco to fend for herself (read: prostitution), that she doesn't like having to see "the other Adam" and it makes her want to say, "Peace out." For the adults out there, "peace out" is a farewell greeting, which means that Ellen is saying it makes her not want to have anything to do with Adam anymore. Got it, people? Good. Adam crosses the street and sits down as a little dog watches. Are there just little dogs wandering around jigga-wherever and whenever this is taking place? Ellen naturally follows the dog that's following Adam, because that's what she does, and continues talking. She's all hyped up as she whores that she's being herself and giving what she can but and that there's a line, that she hasn't reached yet, where she'll give up and maybe she should put her wall back up and be like, "Peace out." She goes all head-bobby and bug-eyed as she delivers this scathing rebuke, which is such a pussy non-drawing-the-line drawing-the-line. She's wimpier than Popeye's hamburger-mooching friend. She continues backpedalling about what a great bond they have and Adam just ignores her until he finally says, "I have no idea what bond you're talking about," and then gets up and leaves, saying that he's going to go write his friends an email saying that he can't trust Ellen...or maybe he can trust Ellen, he adds. No sense. Neither of them. As Adam walks away, Ellen busts out a slightly modified version of the Springer Hand Claw of Seriousness, which is the Springer Hand Claw of Codependent Sassiness, as she yells after him that maybe he should write his friends to say that he has a split personality! (Ooh, snap.) "Such a jackass," she mutters as Adam goes into the Tioga, by which she really means, "I love me that man."