Hey hey. Week three! You know, with this show it's more like Weak three. Get it? Ha. Heh. Ugh. Yeah, I'm sorry, y'all. I'm obviously in a bad way. This morning I went to make coffee, and caught my cat dragging a steak knife from the kitchen toward my bedroom. She pretended that she was eating a particularly tough steak, but I totally don't think that's true because, like, where would she get a steak, you know? I'm going to have to start sleeping on top of the bookcase. Anyway...
Previously...ADDam told the kids that he has not been taking his medicine and has thus been hyper and then Jisyella floated that Adam's disease "is a mental thing" and poor thing is bothered when she has to ask ADDam to take his meds. Don't worry, honey; you won't have to deal with any of this stuff very much longer. Then ADDam and Left Eye lay together, claiming that there was no "hanky-panky" going on. They both floated that they're attracted to each other. They both sound about as passionate as if they were describing how they feel about Tony Danza. "I don't know, man. It's Tony Danza. You know, he's okay, I guess. Whatever." I only wish I didn't feel passionately about this show. Apathy takes so much less energy that active revulsion.
Opening. Blah things blah are blah different. Shots of the kids and the crest and the missions. Snakes and twirling and Blair and nakedness and boot camp and someone will be kicked off and the full crest and that's it. Television at its finest. The opening credit sequence for Six Feet Under just came by and beat the shit out of this opening credit sequence for giving opening credit sequences a bad name. Good.
Tioga. ExpositionSophia tells us that they get their clue on their "Apple computer." Man. While she says that, Sophia wears American Eagle clothing and drinks a Citra, while sitting in her Xterra in front of a HoJo's. Subtle, B/M. Subtle. The Apple Clue says they have to leave Marrakech and go to Fes, seven hours away, find lodging, and then await instructions...on their Nokia phones! No. Kidding. But probably not. Jisela cracks that they could find lodging if they had any money -- which I don't understand because, like, they're in a mobile home right now. Steve used to live in a box -- a small bed in an RV is the fucking Plaza Hotel for him. Hearing me talk shit about him, Steve pipes up that they were very careless with their money and spent it like Americans, meaning, I guess, that they bought a lot of fast food and porn.
So the kids drive, and Ellen and ADDam throw terrible innuendo around the RV, like, "Grr, baby." Blair has to sit in the middle and watch. I'm sure it makes him want to throw up, although he probably likes to save puking for his eating disorder. (Kidding!) Blair goes into a "dude" and "like"-filled talk about the sexual energy choking him and would they like him to move? Ellen tries to play it off because, well, she's four. "You're so mistaken!" says Ellen, and then the second floats, "I know I like Adam." She does on to say that ADDam reminds her of someone she used to care about. Adam then floats that he is very attracted to Ellen and cares about her already. To translate for those out there who might find that remark unclear, when Adam says "care," it's just a socially acceptable form of saying, "I would like to fuck her silly and then never have to see her baby ass again once the show is over." Blair goes on to wonder when the "love nest" will be christened; Ellen blushes and Blair calls her on it. Oh, and yes, by the way, I do hate myself right now.
Morning. The B/M editing crew took a few extra hoppers tonight, so they throw in a bunch of crappy quick shots of the RV in the morning and fast-motion people walking and The Music of My Bleeding Eyeballs plays and my cat throws a rope over a ceiling beam. Sophia and Jisyella eat breakfast in a restaurant (yeah, they're really broke) and says that Ellen and ADDam will soon get together and then the rest arrive so they have to stop gossiping and then just in case we didn't fucking get it from the first moment the show started, they have Jisela float that Ellen and Adam have chemistry and she thinks something might happen and fuck you forever, B/M, more making me type this sentence. Adam and Ellen leave breakfast earlier to go back to the Tioga, and someone reminds the blushing pair that they've "designated the Honeymoon Suite for that type of stuff." Oh, shut up. Ellen and Adam then walk and climb on top of the roof of the parked RV and talk and then they go inside the RV and Ellen says, "Now we can make out," and they both laugh and then we're inside the Tioga and I guess they're both in a little "upstairs" sleeping nook and we hear Adam say, "You know, that's not my leg you're massaging." Of course, the shot is now from outside and it's dark and B/M really hates us, don't they? Yes, they do. Suddenly there are random driving shots of the kids and Ellen and Adam romping and Jisela floats, "What happened was, Ellen and Adam were making out last night...Don't tell nobody I told you." Fuck off.
Timeline? Morning? Who cares? Right. Montage of shots of some city and Adam is driving and he tells Ellen that he's not going to take his meds every couple of days and then says that he's on them now because he's driving. ADDam then floats about ADD, saying that he has a lot of energy sometimes but that he has been able to deal with it through the use of blah blah blah medscakes. Ellen and Adam continue talking ADD and then Ellen floats that she used to date a guy with ADD and that he took a bigger dosage so Adam must not be as bad and so he probably won't grow tired of her eventually and then start cheating on her and she won't feel worthless and maybe this will be the guy who will treat her like the princess she deserves to be and maybe they'll get married and it isn't going to be the same thing over again, right?!
The Graphic of Stupid tells us that the kids arrive in "Ancient Medina, Fes." ADDam meds that Fes has over 20,000 streets, and that the streets are tiny and there are so many people. Steve then informs us, as if we care, that they got their Apple Clue and this is not a mission but a job, which means they're working for money, he tells us -- because, you know, the kids these days don't have a concept of what a job is. They argue, trying to find the place they're supposed to be, eventually coming across their employer, Youseff. Youseff tells them that they will have to deliver a bunch of valuable goods to different merchants by a certain time. They have three donkeys to help them, which should be fun because of the age-old comic equation: Ellen + Animal = Much Humor. The TiVo in my life cuts off one minute of the episode, so I sadly miss a little bit of what goes on right here...awwwww. Think of it as my own Watergate-tapes gap. It's more fun not to know what's going on, right? Make it up yourself! Jisela pees on Sophia for fun! Blair eats Youseff! Ellen's head falls off from too much makeup! It's fun! Eventually, TiVo brings it on back, and Jisela is helpfully floating something about her shallow self thinking "gold," because in Morocco food is more important than gold. Okay, not sure what she's talking about, but that's the occasional price of TiVo's battle with MTV's penchant for starting shows at whenever the fuck we want o'clock. Blairposition explains that they have seven locations to which to deliver the goods by 5 PM and they have to get receipts and they'll have to pay for what they break. And then, as they unload the truck and load up their donkeys, Jisela tells us that they have to deliver chickens and denim and wool and yarn and wood and eggs and hopefully a new editing staff for B/M as well. Jisela makes a joke about staring at the eggs and thinking about making herself some food first.
Unloading. Q-Tip is singing. Ellen hits a donkey and apologizes to it. See, I told you. Blair talks about the boys' donkey-loading strategy versus the girls'. The girls overload and everything falls off. Poor donkeys. Loading. Loading. Loading. I hope one of the donkeys collapses from all the excess weight these numbskulls are putting on them, and that they're tried and convicted for killing a donkey and have to spend three years in a tiny cell eating dirt. That's my fantasy. Ellen starts freaking out over some donkey shit, and Steve says that's Ellen's sound when something happens she finds distasteful: "Ew. Ew. Ew." We hear it. They talk about green chicken poop, and then they get yelled at and have to leave.
The kids lead the about-to-die-from-the- too-much-heavy donkeys through the tiny streets, and Steve floats that the "medina in Fes" is "claustrophobic and busy." Hey, just like the editing on your show. He goes on to say that cars can't fit, and that two people can touch both walls: that's how small. You know, B/M, though the magic of television we can see all this for ourselves. So, you know, you really don't have to describe everything for us, okay? Thanks. ADDam then floats that they have no map and no directions and that he doesn't know how they're going to make it. They ask people which merchant is closer and decide where to go and people are starting to watch these American morons about to kill donkeys and they laugh. I would too...and then I would cut the Road Rulers' hands off for defiling my country with their dumbness. Steve is walking to a donkey and it's overloaded so he has half the stuff on his back...he then tells us what we can see, of course, because, B/M doesn't listen to me. Jisela tries to pull a donkey. Montage of laughing Fesians. Laughing. Laughing. More laughing. Jisyella shouts at a donkey. Finally, they find the animal-feed place and drop off the first load. Adam then tells us that they have seven more places to go and he really needs to take his meds because now he can't even count.
The Six of Suck continue and they try to navigate a particularly small passage and people just stand around staring and Steve is close to the wall and there is chaos and shouting and random shots as Steve's head is nearly crushed against the wall. Man, that would be funny if he really died here. He's fairly calm about it all, which is a credit to Box Boy. Ellen would cry and scream and demand an apology from the wall if it happened to her. Someone asks Steve whether he's all right, and he responds, looking like he's in pain, "Yeah, except my face." Man, he's funny. I'm liking Steve. Steve continues to carry tons of shit, making it look like he's doing most of the work. He yells at someone, "Dude, don't be scaring my donkey," as random people stand by and touch their shit. Suddenly, the donkey lurches and Jisela is screaming (as usual) and ADDam explains to us that the crates started folding in on themselves and he makes a terrible "bridge" analogy that I can't follow. Random people are pushing and grabbing their eggs and it's all fucking hysterical. Eggs are smashed and chicken heads are popping out of the crates and they're already going to lose money. People are starting to get pissed and someone explains (with shock!) that when one gets stuck in the medina, people don't care. Seriously, a bunch of rich white kids fucking up my commute -- I would be livid. The kids try to salvage broken eggs and they're still not moving and everyone is getting pissed. Jisela yells that they're really trying to move and Blair asks for five minutes and one bearded dude is fucking pissed. Hee. Ellen tells us that police? Become involved? And it's getting? Ugly? And Jisela screams at everyone and the police are there and chicken heads and commercials. Finally. Finally. At long last, finally. God.
So the chaos continues and tons of people are trying to get through and Steve yells, "My penis is crushed!" Ha, and also, ow. Jisela continues to yell, failing to come to the sad realization that all of Morocco simply won't stop because she wills it to do so by means of the Springer Hand-Claw of Seriousness. Steve punches the donkey as Jisela leads people through in a single-file line past their Moroccan B/M Logjam of Crappiness. Blair accuses someone of touching his ass, but I can't figure out whether he's joking around or not. Someone else tries to steal eggs. The kids eventually pick up their shit and get their house in order -- Jisela telling Sophia that she's not even thinking about what she's touching. Funny, Sophia told Jisela to do just that during the Casting Special. Disgusted, ostensibly looking at the spilled eggs but I'm guessing really looking at squished chicken heads that B/M decided not to show us, Ellen says that she's never going to eat chicken again and is going vegetarian. Hey, sure, if you can promise it'll work exactly for Ellen as it did for Linda McCartney. Suddenly, Ellen and Jisela are running around going, "Where are our other two donkeys?" and holding out their hands in the patented Dude, Where's My Donkey? Palms-Up Salute of Incompetence. We see the donkeys running away, a cameraman obviously following them. Ellen and Jisela continue to look as the boys are just laughing. Blair tells us that he's decided they are not going to pass this mission after all, and will starve because they got "donkey-jacked." That's funny. More chaos. Children laughing at them. Sophia asks when Jisela saw them last, and Blair suggests putting up "Lost Donkey" posters. Finally, Jisela finds the donkeys, yelling at someone, "Those are my donkeys!" Blair floats that the six of them, all college-educated, have been outsmarted by donkeys. (Insert your own "jackass" joke here.) Jisela returns with the braying donkeys. I know how they feel -- I'd be braying too if I had to be returned to those six assholes.
Steve floats that they have decided to become donkeys themselves, and Jisela floats that they'll all carry shit -- I'm guessing because here someone stepped in and warned them that they're killing the poor donkeys with too much weight. Finally, the boys find the egg merchant and it looks as if Blair, after doing a fake Moroccan accent, just lays his heavy load of egg crates on top of the merchant's eggs. Sometimes hard-boiled, sometimes runny. Meanwhile, Adam -- off his meds, obviously -- starts yelling to the crowd, "Hello!" and people scream back. Jisela floats that ADDam is being "twelve-year-old Adam," and she thinks he's off his meds. He makes raspberries to the crowd; everyone looks and tries to get him to shut up. Ellen whinefloats that about Adam. Adam almost gets killed by begging the egg merchant to accept a broken egg. Seriously, in my Morocco, his hands: cut off. No kidding. Blair learns that they're missing 115 eggs. Damn. They're worse than UPS. Well...nearly. Steve floats again about Adam being annoying and not doing his job. Jisela complains to Ellen. Ellen complains to us. It's one big circle of whine.
They continue to work, delivering the bloody and broken chicken carcasses. Adam keeps yelling. He's like an even more annoying Tom Green, which is saying a whole hell of a lot. Blair stares. Ellen stares. ADDam's non-schtick schtick continues. Wool is . They deliver it. Jisela tells the camera that they've just delivered some "real nasty sheep's ass hair." Yarn is . It's the same fucking merchant. Rip-off! More work. Ellen screams. The Music of My Mysteriously Now-Two-Hour-Long Headache pumps as they deliver the denim. Sophia disappears to go find their stop and she's walking and the kids can't find her and Sophia continues to walk and Jisela looks for her and Blair tells us that they only have five minutes to deliver the wood and Adam floats, on his meds this time, that otherwise they won't get paid and Jisela yells and ah, I see what's going on. They're trying so lamely to create tension. It doesn't work. It never works. Sophia walks and the kids yell and we go to commercial. So bad. So so bad. Oh, no! Sophia is lost in a medina in Fes. Holy cliffhangers, Batman!
So we're back and tense strings play and Jisela scream and the tension builds and...Whoa! There's Sophia. She waves them toward the wood merchant. The strings peter out, knowing everything sucks and why bother? Blair says that they already found the wood guy and that's it. They don't even bother to continue with the totally fake tension. How gay -- and I don't mean in a Kevin Spacey way. Ellen floats, totally lying to us, "We are so relieved she's back." Ellen's words are faker than her breasts. The kids go to the wood merchant (hee -- I said, "wood merchant") and Blair cheers and then the kids get onto the donkeys to ride back. No! Get off the poor donkeys, you shitheads! Ah, man. What douchebags. Jisela tells us that they're done. Yeah, we know. Adam rides and laughs like a fucking idiot. Ellen floats that she's "really frustrated with him," her left eye checking out the lights above her as she talks to the camera.
Jisela, on a donkey as sad Sophia walks, complains about Adam and recaps for her that Adam was acting like a moron. Really, I'm going to start telling people that I have ADD just so that I can act like a dickhead whenever I want to. For all his shittiness, I didn't see Puck telling everyone that he had a disorder, even though he obviously does. Jisela floats that it's hard dealing with ADDam, and that he's a little kid when he's off his meds. The Stone of Needless Repetition falls from the building above and crushes her toe.
The kids ride back to Youseff and he immediately reads them a damage report. Ha. B/M, figuring they haven't made enough money to pay for B's new pool yet, have a Western Union guy ride up on a bike and hand them something; Steve, looking so miserable at having to do this commercial, floats about the Western Union guy, making sure to say, "Western Union" lest he receive a lash from the belt of M, who waits just off-screen. The commercial continues on and on as they now go into a Western Union branch and receive the $1,200 for their botched job. An always sweating Blair is happy to have money. ADDam blows up a cleverly placed Western Union balloon until it pops. He laughs. I'm surprised he isn't forced to laugh, "Ha Western Ha Union Ha!" Ellen floats that she's sick of dealing with Adam. I don't even care anymore -- I'll write whatever they say, even if it's just the same shit over and over and over. I've lost my will to edit.
Tioga. Night. The kids get ready and then go to celebrate at a nice dinner in a restaurant. Adam tells the others that he doesn't mind them telling him to take his meds because "this" personality "will grate." What do you mean, "will"? The kids make jokes about his having been diagnosed too late and man, I really don't care anymore. Ellen and Jisela do not look amused. They toast with wine, and Ellen pouts when Adam won't clink her glass. Hee. Then Ellen finishes up telling a joke very poorly and she just peters off at the "funny" part. Adam assholes, "Good story," and she flips him off saying, "Thanks, Adam!" Man, the one good thing about watching this show is that you are reminded that at least you weren't there. You'll always have that. Unless you're one of the six, and then, I'm sorry. For a lot of things. A singer sings about "sugary abuse," and I so hate B/M's penchant for making the music lyric-related to the show. So hate it. Ellen floats once again about Adam and his personality and blah blah blah Dr. Jekyllcakes. She continues that Adam pokes fun at her and it hurts and he supposedly cares about her and she can? Understand it? But she can't? Really? Respect it?
Standing outside, Adam says that he's a monkey and starts running around making monkey noises and climbing things. Ellen looks sad. Sophia says, "He needs his medicine, dog." No diggity. Ellen looks like she's going to cry. "No one likes me anymore," says Adam. No doubt. Suddenly, Adam puts his arm around Ellen and she smiles as if everything is right again with the world. I don't even think she cares about his obnoxious behavior, but just that when he's busy running around acting the fool, that means he's not focused on her. Ellen floats that she can't deal with the double personality, and that she likes consistency.
The kids drive. Jisela tells Ellen that she just has a crush, but Ellen says she doesn't anymore. She sluts on and says this gem of a sentence: "No, I know I've done things that, like, you know, roles reversed could have been, like, 'What the hell is she doing?' but, you know what, like, I don't care, like, my man's going to like me for everything and treat me like a princess." Three Closed Captioning workers quit because of that sentence. Left Eye Ellen then floats that she sees things in ADDam that are special and unique and she wants to give him a chance, but anyone who has been in her whore shoes and who has gotten more than they bargained for with a man knows what she's talking about and it's the constant emotional roller coaster...and as she continues this massive pouty sentence we see her at dusk sitting on top of the Tioga writing in her journal. Oh, how Jewel of her. She is confused and cares about Adam but Adam has issues and she doesn't know how much she wants to pursue a relationship with him. I mean, she'll blow him a few times but then, like, where it the relationship going, you know? Then the lyrics to the song we're being forced to hear go, "Dream on. Dream on," and we get a shot of ADDam in the RV sleeping and that's it! Rock.
week. Jisela and Sophia walk and someone says, "Tell me" and they walk at night, hugging, as Jisela floats that she's worried Sophia has a crush on her. Well, Sophia better hurry and work Jisela's pants off quick, because I don't think she's long for this show. Someone is hanging on the side of a mountain by a rope and doing insane cartwheels and Jisela floats that there is no way she's going to be able to do this mission. Climbing. Climbing. On his meds, Adam floats that if they fail this mission, someone is going home. Jisyella, hanging on the slope, thinks this is an opportune time, when she's about to either fall and die or be booted from the show, to shout and correct someone's behavior. She yells, "Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to hear no, 'Come on, Jisela!'" All right, how about, "So long, Jisela"? Because that's what your booted ass is about to hear.
Awesome, it seems we don't have to sit through any more stupid closing bit over the credits. Thank you, MTV!
F you, B/M!