Hey guys. You know, every week I come here in this space to talk about Road Rules and I was thinking, maybe we can talk about something else this time? You know, like I'll talk a little about my day and then I'll tell you how much I liked Hedwig and the Angry Inch and then I'll tell some funny-ish story from my childhood and you'll laugh harder than you should just to make me feel good and I'll draw you the tattoo I'm thinking of getting and you'll tell me it's cool but that I shouldn't get a tattoo and then we'll go get a Slurpee, play on the swings at my old school, and everything will be good. Can we do that? Just once? No? Crap.
Previously on blah blah...Ellen got mad when ADDam didn't clink glasses with her during a toast. Ellen then flipped him off and said that Adam turns into Dr. Jekyll when he doesn't take his meds and holy shit we better not still be on the Adam/meds thing because I was already bored of this story line when I was fifteen. We end with a montage of Adam yelling in the marketplace in Fez and a toothless Moroccan yelling back. What Adam doesn't know is that the dude is actually yelling, "Take your fucking meds, you dumb American shit," in French.
Opening. Things are different. No they're not. They still suck and I still have to sit here every week telling you about them. Man, I never thought in a million years that I'd miss Holly or Theo, but I do. I so do. I would miss Msaada but B/M is pretty much treating Steve just the way they used to treat her, so I feel as if she's still around. Shots of the kids. Of missions. Someone could get booted. I Jis-wonder who.
Some town. The Tioga. The Moroccan chanting plays very loudly -- it's that yelling/singing that, to me, just sounds like, "Now we slit your belly open for looking at our women the wrong way." People. Walking. The Tioga. Great opening. Now we're in the RV and Ellen is wiping something off Adam's mouth -- an action she's used to doing, but to herself -- as she floats that she likes ADDam and they're attracted to each other, but she doesn't understand how he can go from being secure and sweet to being an ass. Yeah, it's a fucking mystery how you could possibly elicit mixed signals from a man.
Hotel lobby. Somewhere. Time line is all "Jigga-when?" as Blair has a big ol' bandage or something around his neck. Good job, B/M. They didn't, like, think that would throw us? Fuckers. Anyway, Ellen is standing there in a bathrobe with no makeup on, smoking, and Adam tells Blair that Ellen looks like trailer trash right then. Ellen takes off her bathrobe as she mumbles, "Such an ass." I guess that's our example of Adam being a dick, but in her bathrobe and smoking in the lobby, she totally does look like trailer trash. And she took off the robe, which just makes her look wimpy wimpy wimpy. She sluts on that Adam will be the first one to talk shit, but then if you talk shit back about his behavior, he'll just say that he didn't take his medicine. Yeah! Of course. He's a baby. You're all babies! Babies complaining about babies. It's like hearing the thoughts of infants, watching this show sometimes. Like some weird Look Who's Talking sequel, but without Kirstie Alley, which is actually a good thing.
In the trailer, again, Adam says that he can smell Ellen's pussy. He so stole that line from Multiple Migs in Silence of the Lambs. I hope Blair makes him choke on his own tongue. ADDam cackles as Ellen hits him and whines, "You are so disgusting." Jisela then floats that she hates Adam when he's not on his meds. Adam goes into some weird hand game/chant about saving it for Oprah, but then he fucks up and just laughs. Ellen calls him something. Adam then starts to say something, but Ellen just tells him to take his medicine. And then -- and I can't believe I have to write this -- Ellen floats, "Take your medicine. Program it into your Fossil watch." Jesus Christ, B/M can fit in a commercial anywhere. One of the kids could die and they'd find a way to do a cooperative crossover deal with some casket maker. I hate everything. Ellen whores on that Adam is a grown man (sorta) and needs to take responsibility for his actions (true).
The Tioga driving. Driving. Driving. Adam and Ellen stand outside the RV as Ellen tells Adam, using the third person for him in a way that makes me want them to fly home and leave her in Morocco to fend for herself (read: prostitution), that she doesn't like having to see "the other Adam" and it makes her want to say, "Peace out." For the adults out there, "peace out" is a farewell greeting, which means that Ellen is saying it makes her not want to have anything to do with Adam anymore. Got it, people? Good. Adam crosses the street and sits down as a little dog watches. Are there just little dogs wandering around jigga-wherever and whenever this is taking place? Ellen naturally follows the dog that's following Adam, because that's what she does, and continues talking. She's all hyped up as she whores that she's being herself and giving what she can but and that there's a line, that she hasn't reached yet, where she'll give up and maybe she should put her wall back up and be like, "Peace out." She goes all head-bobby and bug-eyed as she delivers this scathing rebuke, which is such a pussy non-drawing-the-line drawing-the-line. She's wimpier than Popeye's hamburger-mooching friend. She continues backpedalling about what a great bond they have and Adam just ignores her until he finally says, "I have no idea what bond you're talking about," and then gets up and leaves, saying that he's going to go write his friends an email saying that he can't trust Ellen...or maybe he can trust Ellen, he adds. No sense. Neither of them. As Adam walks away, Ellen busts out a slightly modified version of the Springer Hand Claw of Seriousness, which is the Springer Hand Claw of Codependent Sassiness, as she yells after him that maybe he should write his friends to say that he has a split personality! (Ooh, snap.) "Such a jackass," she mutters as Adam goes into the Tioga, by which she really means, "I love me that man."
Night. The Tioga. Some guy knocks on the door and enters with another clue. Jisela stares at his crotch as he comes in. They read their instructions, which tell them they're going to Spain. Everyone celebrates. Ellen continues trying to read while everyone just screams and dances around, totally drowning her out. Apropos of nothing, Blair floats that he thinks Sophia has the hots for Jisela. Sophia reaches over and grabs Blair and tells him how much she loves Spanish women. Blair continues to list the reasons why Sophia likes Jisela, which include the stunning evidence that Jisela is hot and Sophia likes women and the two of them have grown close.
Sophia and Jisela then walk down a street talking, and Sophia says "dog" a lot, as she's prone to do. (She's also prone to do women, but that's another story.) They're saying that Jisela goes to clubs and that she and a friend say that they're gay so that guys don't hit on them as much. Sophia's all, "Oh, really?" She then floats, as the illicit walking continues, that Jisela, of everyone in the RV, relates the most to Sophia's being gay because people back home think Jisela is gay and she doesn't have a boyfriend. I don't get that logic at all, but maybe it's the sudden B/M attention that has thrown her off. As Sophia floats, we get a weird frozen shot of people walking, and I think this is a new signature for the floaty sections for B/M which means that the Crack Editing Staff just got a new supply because that shit is ugly. Anyway. Jisela continues that people at home think she's gay and thus it's weird that she hangs with the gay girl. They continue walking as Sophia disses herself and she says something about her look and the way she dresses. Jisela then goes on to say that Sophia has a "pretty awesome body" and says that she's "well proportioned." Uh-oh. Sophia beams at this. Sophia blushes, floating that she and Jisela have more than a friendship, and she repeats the word "intimate" one hundred times as we see them hugging. Jisela then floats that she and Sophia flirt, but now she is worried that Sophia is taking her flirting too seriously.
Now Jisela is on the phone at night outside the Tioga and she describes the Sophia situation, saying that it's like when a friend likes you more -- which is exactly the situation, so it's not a very good analogy. She then goes on to detail -- and we see it -- a time when Jisela was just lying down and suddenly Sophia got in bed and snuggled with her without asking. Jisela is being pretty mean, actually, considering how much she was indeed just flirting with Sophia. Jisela then floats, saying, "She's getting to the point where I'm like, 'You need to get up from under me, okay, cuz I'm not feeling that 24-7 hug.'" Lord! Was that a sentence? I'm not even sure what she means. I think she might be cold or else something's wrong with the RV. Girl don't talk right. Jisela continues to talk, saying that Sophia told her she was drunk...just like that night that they kissed. Suddenly, we get a flashback from the Casting Special where Jisela and Sophia made out on a dare and man, it's a pretty hot kiss, I have to say. Ha, there's poor Segun! I wonder if he's hung himself yet...or come out. Anyway, back to Jisela, who tells her friend on the other end of the cell that she hopes she falls asleep quickly that night. Man, that's cold. Commercials. That's sweet!
Day. Field. Jisela talks to Ellen, telling her that she was going to tell her something...and that's all Ellen needs to hear and she's all, "Tell me! Tell me!" Jisela starts complaining about Sophia, which is pretty fucked up. She says that she's just not that affectionate and Ellen is all, "Right right." Ellen's gonna start just saying "Peace out" while Jisela repeats, "24-7" over and over. That's coming any minute. Jisela floats, bitching that she's feeling afraid that rejecting Sophia will be bad and that Sophia will "not be cool with that." She has a point, now, as she says that she wants to be sure that Sophia is being her friend because she wants to be her friend, and not because she wants to pour some salsa on her meringue. Jisela continues to blab to Ellen, something about it not being because Sophia's gay, and then she says that if a guy is hugging on her "24-7" (hee), it makes her uncomfortable. Ellen, queen of putting people in their place, tells Jisela that the time Sophia hugs her too much, she should just tell her "straight up" that it makes her feel uncomfortable. The girls agree that it's going to be "weird." Man, Ellen can't even shut a boy up when he says he can smell her pussy. She should really shut her trap until long after Morocco est l'histoire.
We get voice-over, and see it on a gay ol' Indiana Jones map, that their mission is in Spain, so they're getting on a ferry to head out. In the Port of Tangier, we get a montage of the kids fucking around and hey, there's Steve! Hi, Steve! Where you been? Oh, along with Msaada washing B's car? Gotcha. Well, can you do mine when you're done? I swear I'll mention you at least once per recap. Sound good? The kids take a bunch of goofy photos in fast-forward, and jump all over each other, and what the fuck, is this a Monkees video? The kids get on a ferry. Steve floats, finally being shown on-camera, saying that he isn't happy to leave Morocco but that he's happy to get to Spain. Sophia doesn't care; she says she's happy to leave Morocco. She also can't wait to get to Spain where, she says, the food is going to be better. Well, now she's excited about two things she wants to put in her mouth in Spain.
Goodbye Morocco shots at dusk. Shots. Shots. The moon. The ferry. The Music of My Lack of Respect For Myself plays as Ellen and ADDam hang out on the ferry together, talking. Ellen voice-overs that she feels like "a sucker" for opening herself (is that what she's calling it?) up and letting him get to her when she said she wasn't going to. The song continues as Ellen watches the water go by.
Day. Spain. A song that is either Marc Anthony or some dude with Carlos Santana plays as we get shots of Spain. Walking. Bridges. Palm trees. Blair floats that it's the most beautiful place he's ever been, which isn't saying shit since he hasn't ever left Louisiana until now. The kids are in Malaga, Spain, prompting the question, "What did Malaga, Spain ever to do them?" Jisela runs around with Sophia, obviously incorporating that not-leading-her-on policy. Jisela says that she's so happy. Oh, poor Sophia.
Club. It's empty. The kids really have their finger on the pulse. A lousy band plays as Jisela dances with Steve. Steve is really a sexy dancer...I mean Jisela! Jisela! I'm tired! Give me a break! Anyway, Jisela dances around and Blair and Sophia look on, drooling. But not over Steve...because he's not the hot one. Anyway, the dancing continues. She's cute. A bitch, but cute. ADDam dances with some random girls, now, as Ellen -- who doesn't look homicidal, so I'm not sure what's going on -- plays the maracas. Now we get a total nonsense shot of the kids all eating, and ADDam continues to spit game to some girl and Ellen kinda gives them a look but not really and man, I'm calling some narcs or something because the Crack Editing Staff needs to put down the pipe. Seriously.
Morning. Tioga. Jisela and Sophia. Jisela says that she was so confused that she even talked to Ellen about it. Hee! Yeah, talking to Ellen is always the last resort by far. And because B/M can't hold on to a story line to save their lives, Jisela floats that she told Sophia that she was feeling like Sophia had a crush, and that it made her feel weird and blah blah blah seventh-gradecakes. Sophia then floats, lying that she does find Jisela attractive but she's her friend and she would never cross the friendship line ("unless she wanted to...") because Sophia wouldn't want to ruin their friendship. "It's coo'," says Jisela, smiling. She then whips off her pants and drags Sophia onto the bed, pushing her head down between her...oh, no. Wrong tape. My bad.
The Rap Song of They'll Be Back Working At McDonald's After This Record Disappears plays as the Tioga is parked in a big lot. Spanish Parking Guy walks over and Jisela, sitting on the steps, says, "Hey, you're cute." What? This girl is weird. I'm almost gonna miss her. Almost. He speaks in Spanish, telling them that they can't park there and she's not buying it because it's obviously a B/M plant and she just holds her hand out as he says, "But I have something for you." Jisela is upset when SPG doesn't put his dick in her hand but rather pulls out instructions for them. Jisela reads, dismissing the "cute" guy with less than a wave of her hand, and reads that their mission will be the one for the Crest of Endurance. Jisela is very upset, because Endurance isn't really her strong suit. The Crest of Shouting At Everyone. That would be Jisyella's round for sure. Jisela floats that "Endurance" made her heart sink -- and she predicts that something will go wrong on this mission. Well, "wrong" only if you're not in favor of Jisela's being sent the fuck home.
Cliffs. The sun. Music recycled from the failed B/M show, Making The Crap-Ass Instrumental Elevator Music Band plays. The kids get out of their RV, somewhere, and meet Carlos, their instructor. He wears a t-shirt advertising his company andaluciaextrem.com, which just totally rolls of the fucking tongue. There are signs everywhere and obviously B/M has received a few lire or whatever for this shit. Man, I hate...well, I just hate, that's all. In a terribly edited section, the kids float and voice-over that they have a day to train, but that they don't know what they'll train for, and Jisela wonder how long this mission is, and shut up. The kids get in a short bus driven by Carlos and they pass an ambulance waiting and make nervous jokes and Sophia says "dog" a lot. Ellen, seeing people climbing rocks, guesses that they'll be rock climbing. She's a genius! Adam says that someone is "belaying" someone else and that's right, Adam likes to get in the crack. I forgot. Jisela floats that she hopes it's not mountain climbing, but rather she wants it to be something in the water. Jisela likes water sports, apparently. Dirty girl.
So the kids watch someone climbing and jumping down the rock. The kids sit down in front of a bunch of gear and the instructors talk about having confidence and trusting in the equipment and blah blah blah blahcakes. Carlos continues on, and finally people start climbing what Jisela floats is a "flattened" rock, but she pronounces it like Ad Rock pronounces "Manhattan." Ellen is climbing now, and she asks to do a trick; she does a bad-ass horizontal cartwheel on the face of this straight rock. It's pretty fucking cool. Too bad it's the best thing she'll ever do in her entire life. Jisela, so fucking transparently bitter and afraid, goes floaty and disses Ellen for showing off when they're supposed to be training. Sophia makes it to the top. Blair climbs barefoot. He makes it to the top and then tells the camera he just climbed a bigger rock than he does at home. I guess Blair likes the crack too. Hey, like, where's Steve? Just checking. I like to check everyone once in a while.
At the bottom, Jisela talks to Sophia -- not leading her on, you see, but complaining that she dreamt they'd have to kick someone off on the second mission (she corrects herself when she realizes it's the third -- dumb-ass). Jisela says that it'll be hard. Then Sophia floats that Jisela came to her and said, "I'm nervous, dog. I'm nervous, dog." We had a nervous dog when I was a kid. Would just sit there and shiver and then bark if anyone tried to get too close. I miss that dog. Anyway, Sophia goes on to say that Jisela thinks she'll be booted. They talk again, and I don't have the captioning on my ancient Quasar but Jisela says something, which sounds like something about her father being mad and then Sophia is all, "Oh, so that's why it bothers you?" Well, whatever. I have really no idea what she said. She might have just asked Sophia to give her a Kit Kat, for all I know. Now Jisela is getting ready to try to climb as she voice-overs that the person who cannot fulfill his or her duty on the team is "the weakest link," and will have to leave. (Okay, now I'm convinced that B/M told the kids to keep using that phrase to somehow be in tune with the current lingo or some totally misguided bullshit like that.) Jisela climbs two feet up, and a Spanish guy grabs her ass as Jisela floats that there is no way she'll be able to pick her "big ass" up. She continues, and people encourage her, but instead of being grateful, she turns around with the Erect Fingers of Bitchosity and for some fucking reason "Optimistic" is playing and Jisela yells that she doesn't want to hear "no 'C'mon Jisela.'" Well, I don't want to hear no Radiohead being sullied by having to play over this show. How the fuck does MTV have the right just to play any song it wants over whatever show it wants? Does MTV just wield that kind of power where you can't say no to whatever they want to do or else forever be banned? I just say this because I somehow doubt that Thom Yorke's sullen ass would agree to let B/M use his song over a shot of Jisela trying to climb a mountain. Somehow I don't think that would fit into his artistic vision, but maybe that's just me. Commercials.
On the ground, the kids say that Jisela's attitude with the trainers "sucks." High up on the cliff now, Jisela floats that she's very scared. She uses the fact that she doesn't know the instructors to somehow justify her not wanting to climb. Poor Spanish guys. She yells down to them that she wants to come down. She starts climbing down. Blair and ADDam say that tomorrow they will have to do this by themselves -- that no one will be down on the ground to belay them. They discuss it in muffled tones. Stunning television, people. Back on the rock, Jisela yells at one of the guys to stop lying to her. "You said you were coming with me, Papi, or whatever your name is," she says. Goddamn, what a bitch. You have to sort of feel sorry for her because she wasn't allowed to cry as a kid so now all she can do is Jisyell at people when she's scared, but then at some point you just go, "Bitch." Those dudes should just throw her off the mountain. How upset are they now that they ever got involved with B/M? Pretty much the same as everyone in the world who has gotten involved with them. Except for that Eric Nies. He loves him some B/M.
Jisela is on the ground now; she comes over to the group and jokes that she's going to cry in the bushes. She then grabs Sophia and does cry. Sophia floats that she wishes Jisela would do her. No, she says that she wishes Jisela would not be so controlling and bitchy so that people would see the cool girl Sophia sees in Jisela, and that Jisela's someone worth knowing. "Yeah, y'all should really see Bobby Joe when he's not drunk and beating the shit out of me, then you'd see that deep down he's really a great man!"
Carlos talks to the kids, telling them that training is complete and that they should wear the same clothes tomorrow and they should also wear a swimsuit and deep down you can tell he hates the shit out of these fucking American kids but he has already sunk money into this stupid company and Tomas said the kids love the Road Rules so they should do a deal with them and now they have to deal with this shit and man, is Tomas on Carlos's shit list now. Ellen floats that "the weakest link" is obviously Jisela, and that if she does fall, Ellen will have no sympathy for Jisela because she was yelling at the people trying to help her. Man alive. Things are really bad when Ellen is making the most sense, huh? Sheesh.
Train. Day. The kids Stand By Me down some train tracks and then eat outside at this train station. Close-up of a cat. Now Adam floats that he has food poisoning, and we see him puking (thanks again, B/M); he says he's not happy with the food. Man, I hope he doesn't puke out his meds. Ellen comes out of the RV to help him, carrying a roll of paper towels. Hee. She then stands right behind him as he bends over, puking. I wouldn't stand right behind someone with food poisoning. I'm just saying. Adam floats some bullshit about being prepared, but then something happens that you can't foresee and you fail the mission. Adam says that he's having chills, and then Ellen is rubbing his leg in a waiting room and Adam is suddenly on the table with a nurse doing tests. Ellen floats that she knows she makes poor judgements when it comes to guys, and that when she starts caring about someone, her heart "just goes." We see her putting a blanket on Adam, who is shaking. Adam floats that Ellen is taking care of him, and that they've had their ups and downs but that it means a lot that Ellen is there and man, this is dull. We see a doctor writing out prescriptions. The doctor tells Adam that he can eat carrot soup. What the fuck is carrot soup? Sounds terrible. ["Actually, there's a place by us that makes carrot-and-ginger soup; it's really good." -- Wing Chun] So now they're on the Tioga and Adam is smiling in Ellen's lap and the Tioga drives into the setting sun.
Shit, we're going to get a montage or something. It's Ellen and Adam at night in the RV playing with each other's hands Adam floats that Ellen helped him and didn't ask for thanks and yeah, of course, only when he's getting something does he like the poor girl. He then twists logic to its breaking point by saying that the "acceptance" made him able to let down his walls. ADDam then tells Ellen that she's loving and has been nice and he sort of apologizes for being cold to her and then she -- so happy, obviously -- holds his hand and says that she's invested in everyone on the trip but more in some people and she says Adam has taken the time to get to know her. "Wow," he floats about Ellen. He says some bullshit to Ellen about having been "old-school" Adam whereas "new-school" Adam "takes his medication." Am I the only one who no longer can make sense of anything these people are saying? Good. Ellen then floats that she wants to believe Adam and she can't change the fact that she cares about him enough to see where it's going to go. Poor girl. Oh, and we go from one sad person to another, as Sophia is once again made to hold Jisela's bitch hand through shit; at night outside the Tioga, Jisela asks Sophia whether she thinks they would boot her if she failed another mission. No! Sophia says yes. Jisela says she doesn't care, I think. Sophia says she would strap Jisela on her back and carry her up. Hysterically, Jisela says that she began to think about how it looked that she didn't make it all the way up the mountain. Hee. Sophia says that it didn't look good. Hee again. Now, as we get shots of Jisela and Sophia looking at the climbing from earlier, Sophia -- and I can't believe this -- says that she believes in Jisela so much that if they fail the mission because of Jisela, she gives the others permission to vote her off instead. All together now: Poor Sophia. All in love, and shit. Sophia now tells Jisela that she knows Jisela can do the mission. Jisela floats that she feels pressure and is in a situation she can't get out of. Shot of the mountain. "To be continued..." Wow. I can hardly wait for week I'm so excited to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
week. Jisela is on a mountaintop crying, voice-overing that she can do this. A bird. Ropes. Blair looks scared. Someone on a bike on a high mountain road falling. Someone sliding on a bad-ass rope slide, being nearly suffocated by a huge ad for the climbing company they have to hold. Man, that's funny. What if the ad killed them? I would love that shit. Blair. "Don't give up on me now." Ellen crying. Jisela crying. Jisela had a dream that on the mission something would go wrong. Blair on top of the high mountain looking down. "That is hard-core extreme," someone says. Okay, this looks like a good one, actually, Until then, kids. I'll miss you all.