Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dumbward Bound
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 16 | Aired on 10.01.2000
The Shasta drives along a little dirt road in a forest-y area. Msaada says they can go to Vegas and "party and gamble." James tells the kids that they are "sinners, dude." Theo yodels that they're all sinners, and the driving Laterrian busts back with "...true, more than some of us." Shot of Kathryn. Ha. Kathryn is a sinner. Are spouting hyperbole, lying about sexual liaisons, and falsely raising the hopes of heel cancer victims, sins? James, already holding a degree in Theo-logy from the other night at the hotel, comes on strong with facts about certain sins being worse than others. "A sin is a sin," says Holly, daintily stepping over the small throwing-stones and tons of broken glass from her newly destroyed house. She tells James to read his Bible. What, the King James version? (Ha. Hee. Heh. Hm.) James asks Holly if "shooting [her] in the face right now" is the same as stealing a piece of paper. Holly goes zealot-Scaryteeth and tells him that it's right in the Bible. James asks for a chapter and verse. Theo cracks me up by saying, "Somewhere in the back it says it." James turns to his newspaper and says, "You guys are pathetic...you guys are all going to hell." He flips through the "Man Seeking Man" personals briefly, but finds nothing. Theo protests, saying "dude" twice. As the Shasta comes up to a man and a woman standing in the road, we hear James say, "Look at these guys, dude." The Shasta stops. Theo: "Uh-oh, dude." Fucking "dude" symphony. The kids get out as the woman, and the Graphic of Stupid, introduce the two as Elaine and Steve, the new Mission Mayors. They announce that they're from the Outward Bound school and that they'll be helping the kids with their next mission. Elaine says, "Your next mission is to spend forty-eight hours in seclusion." Theo asks if they'll be all together or all alone. Alone. "Whoo!" chaws Theo. "Dude, you just couldn't give a better gift...at a better time." Everyone laughs. I ask B/M if that means the viewers and the show will also be separated during the rest of the episode, but unfortunately that is not the case. Damn. Steve shows the kids a list of the few items they can get from the Shasta to take with them. The kids look at the list like B/M looking at the overnight ratings: sad, disappointed, scared for the future. James has a feather in his cap, for some reason. He calls it macaroni. Laterrian, really not paying a whole lot of attention, asks if there is anything they won't be allowed to take; Steve starts at the beginning...We see the list of stuff, and not only does it specify the brand of sleeping bag they'll be using -- (that's pretty sad that B/M has gone from having a big hotel chain as a sponsor, to a fucking sleeping bag company) -- but the only toiletries they can bring are a toothbrush and toothpaste. I don't see "toilet paper" anywhere on the list. Wait...so they'll let the kids clean their mouths but not their butts? I guess they aren't called "B/M" for nothing.
Mayor McSteve goes on to tell the kids that they'll each be given a video camera (I guess with forty-eight hours of charged batteries and tapes) to use as a video diary -- to record thoughts or impressions during their time alone in the woods. Steve goes on to say that there is "definitely" no reading and no music, either. James teases L.T. that he cannot have music. Laterrian shrugs, laughing because he has his mp3 player with the new BoyzIIMen reunion album hidden in his pants. Theo proves himself to be occasionally -- once in a blue moon occasionally -- smart as he says, "So it's all about thinking...and all about just hanging out with yourself." Steve tells them that they're starting to get the picture. Holly pipes up. "In that case I would like to take my Bible." MayorSteve goes into "treat-everyone-like-a-six-year-old mode, edifying Holly by saying that they'll "figure it out" -- which means "no, you can't bring it." Come to think of it, he probably has the exact right instinct in treating Holly like a six-year-old. Holly nods and picks a public hair from her tongue. She then talks to the camera and says, "The only fear I have is, I guess, being alone in the dark." Msaada asks if there's any kind of (and she does the "finger-quotes" here) "witch" out in the woods, "or stick men." James wears a shirt that reads, "GW Rugby." I figure "Gay White Rugby," but it's just a guess. Holly again talks to the camera and says, beginning to cry, that "ghosts" and "demons" still scare her...things "that [she knows] are real but you can't touch and see...and that's what scares [her]." So Holly heads out with her Bible and McSteve stops her and tells her, regarding the Bible, "One thing we want to do, is for you to be able to think for yourself." He quickly realizes he's stuck his mayoral foot in his mouth, and he adds, "...or, inside yourself." Holly protests that her Bible will help her. Steve is a big fucking pussy and gets all "Mmmkay" on Holly; instead of saying, "No fucking Bible, stupid," he says, "Let's find a way where you can go out there without it." Holly starts crying, because she is four, and says that she's done it before, but this time, Not Without My Bible (starring Sally Field). She says, "I want to do this, but I'm not going without it." Steve cracks me up by responding, "Let's just look at...going out without the Bible." Hee. Great comeback, Steve. You really bamboozled her. I'm going to try out that logic on someone sometime. "Stee, I'm not going to go out with you." "Well, how about instead we investigate...you going out with me." "Oh. Well, okay then." Tony Robbins better keep his eye on his job, lest Steve take the motivational speaking world by storm. So Holly tells SmoothSteve that all she may get out of going without the Bible, is not sleeping and losing her mind. Holly then talks to the camera and tells B/M that they're going to hell for trying to get her to spend two days alone in the woods without her Holy Book. While I agree that B/M is going to hell if they don't actually live there already, Holly's argument is seriously weakened by how whiny and bratty she's being about the whole thing. Holly finally decides to go, telling us that she'll find out how strong her faith is without "that book." I'm guessing it has very little to do with the book and a lot more to do with Holly getting Holly's way. And B/M, I'm just guessing, but I think by not letting Holly take her Bible, you're in for one bumpy mission from the Ho-Ho corner; she'll find a way get the attention on her. I'm just saying...
So Steve gives a little motivational speech -- New Age music playing -- about how this is an opportunity to "step back" (he punctuates that by actually taking a step back...what a fucking pro!) and take a look at the "big picture." Theo wonders what "big picture" they're going to be given to look at. Hopefully it will be a picture of a doggie or a monkey, because Theo likes monkeys. Laterrian tells the camera that everyone is sick of being "up under each other's noses." Maybe that's why Laterrian is always so stuffed up. James agrees that this will be a good time to relax and reflect and do some "real soul searching;" James has no intention of reflecting. Elaine tells the kids that they'll take them out to their sites one by one and show them the boundaries of their areas. Kathryn tells Elaine, "I don't really like being alone." Yeah, we guessed that, Kathryn. Can't even go to the bathroom alone. Elaine goes on to tell the kids that they'll have their Panic Whistles and to keep them around their necks at all times in case of emergency -- like a bear, or a scorpion...or if you're lonely. Theo tells the camera (I guess we're having a floaty-less episode) that he's excited to see what it's "going to bring out of [him]." Well, in the past, we've seen almost everything possible come out of him, so I don't really need to see anything else. Really. So the House Music of No Production Value starts up, and we get a split-screen montage of the kids walking to their little areas. Laterrian drops his stuff. Wow. That was a fucking exciting sequence. Steve scares Msaada by dropping he