You know, I just heard some terribly upsetting news about half an hour ago. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that these six Road Rules kids are waiting for me to watch them when I get home. As I sit down, the show still a few minutes away from starting, I resent their intrusion in my life. But then I quickly realize that their sheer suckiness is a great distraction; my life seems wonderfully healthy and satisfying in comparison. I never thought I'd say this but, "Thank you, B/M." And then the show starts...I take it all back.
Previously on Road Rules...The Graphic of Stupid reads, "Deceit." We see Kathryn and Laterrian makin' with the freak-freak at the T.G.I. Fridays. Theo voice-overs about finding them getting' dirty together in the men's room. We then get the Balcony Fight of When, during which Kathryn claims nothing occurred in the bathroom. Laterrian tells the group that they were indeed getting down, and Kathryn says, "I had my bra on." Laterrian disagrees. Kathryn thinks. "Oh...yeah." Nod. Nod. Stare at Laterrian. Kathryn pussies out more than she did in that bathroom, when she then apologizes to the group -- she lied about letting L.T. get some after all. G of S now reads "Conflict." Short bus. James tells Msaada that it must be nice to be a piece of tofu. Tofu: "It is." Msaada says, "No. I'm gonna kill all of us. I don't care." We all now know that she never followed through on that threat so it's a little less satisfying to watch this time. Now James tells the camera how happy he is to head back to America, and we see the kids board a South African plane heading for home. Shit. They spent like nine fucking months in Africa. And all B/M got out of it was five particularly shitty episodes. At least they were quite good to make fun of. So for me, the trip was worth it right there. The kids get back on the Shasta, and Theo says, "Home, sweet home." Hick, sweet hick.
"I'm the Road Master." Couple weeks, buddy, it's going to be, "I'm the unemployed actor. The monologue I'll be doing is "Happy" from Death of a Salesman. Oh, did I mention I was on Road Rules? You want me to leave? But I haven't done my...okay, fine. I'm leaving." Same intro. Handsome reward. The hurt continues. I fall off my chair like the girl in the opening of Little House on the Prairie. I get up only because my cat quickly sits in my chair and I hate letting her win. The kids sleep on the Shasta. I think this is the first time they've had to spend a single night in the RV. Pampered fuckers, all living the high life at the Howard Johnson's and shit. Fucking lap of luxury, that place. You know, they have soap in the showers! So the kids wake up to the blue light and the Bloated One saying, "Poor Road-ies. You've worked your little fingers to the bone. Road Master thinks you deserve a rest." Because he skipped out on his Edith Skinner classes at De Paul, we can't understand the sentence...something about them having picked out a vacation for the kids. Shot of Laterrian with his eyes closed. James and Holly don't even bother getting up. Msaada and the others can't even smile anymore at/with the Road Master. (Poor RM. He's weeks away from dinner theatre in Poughkeepsie again.) "But you all know my taste -- it tends towards The Dark!" The kids read the email and discover they have to be somewhere at 7:30 AM. Which day, I have no idea, and I don't care at this point.
The Shasta drives along a little dirt road in a forest-y area. Msaada says they can go to Vegas and "party and gamble." James tells the kids that they are "sinners, dude." Theo yodels that they're all sinners, and the driving Laterrian busts back with "...true, more than some of us." Shot of Kathryn. Ha. Kathryn is a sinner. Are spouting hyperbole, lying about sexual liaisons, and falsely raising the hopes of heel cancer victims, sins? James, already holding a degree in Theo-logy from the other night at the hotel, comes on strong with facts about certain sins being worse than others. "A sin is a sin," says Holly, daintily stepping over the small throwing-stones and tons of broken glass from her newly destroyed house. She tells James to read his Bible. What, the King James version? (Ha. Hee. Heh. Hm.) James asks Holly if "shooting [her] in the face right now" is the same as stealing a piece of paper. Holly goes zealot-Scaryteeth and tells him that it's right in the Bible. James asks for a chapter and verse. Theo cracks me up by saying, "Somewhere in the back it says it." James turns to his newspaper and says, "You guys are pathetic...you guys are all going to hell." He flips through the "Man Seeking Man" personals briefly, but finds nothing. Theo protests, saying "dude" twice. As the Shasta comes up to a man and a woman standing in the road, we hear James say, "Look at these guys, dude." The Shasta stops. Theo: "Uh-oh, dude." Fucking "dude" symphony. The kids get out as the woman, and the Graphic of Stupid, introduce the two as Elaine and Steve, the new Mission Mayors. They announce that they're from the Outward Bound school and that they'll be helping the kids with their mission. Elaine says, "Your mission is to spend forty-eight hours in seclusion." Theo asks if they'll be all together or all alone. Alone. "Whoo!" chaws Theo. "Dude, you just couldn't give a better gift...at a better time." Everyone laughs. I ask B/M if that means the viewers and the show will also be separated during the rest of the episode, but unfortunately that is not the case. Damn. Steve shows the kids a list of the few items they can get from the Shasta to take with them. The kids look at the list like B/M looking at the overnight ratings: sad, disappointed, scared for the future. James has a feather in his cap, for some reason. He calls it macaroni. Laterrian, really not paying a whole lot of attention, asks if there is anything they won't be allowed to take; Steve starts at the beginning...We see the list of stuff, and not only does it specify the brand of sleeping bag they'll be using -- (that's pretty sad that B/M has gone from having a big hotel chain as a sponsor, to a fucking sleeping bag company) -- but the only toiletries they can bring are a toothbrush and toothpaste. I don't see "toilet paper" anywhere on the list. Wait...so they'll let the kids clean their mouths but not their butts? I guess they aren't called "B/M" for nothing.
Mayor McSteve goes on to tell the kids that they'll each be given a video camera (I guess with forty-eight hours of charged batteries and tapes) to use as a video diary -- to record thoughts or impressions during their time alone in the woods. Steve goes on to say that there is "definitely" no reading and no music, either. James teases L.T. that he cannot have music. Laterrian shrugs, laughing because he has his mp3 player with the new BoyzIIMen reunion album hidden in his pants. Theo proves himself to be occasionally -- once in a blue moon occasionally -- smart as he says, "So it's all about thinking...and all about just hanging out with yourself." Steve tells them that they're starting to get the picture. Holly pipes up. "In that case I would like to take my Bible." MayorSteve goes into "treat-everyone-like-a-six-year-old mode, edifying Holly by saying that they'll "figure it out" -- which means "no, you can't bring it." Come to think of it, he probably has the exact right instinct in treating Holly like a six-year-old. Holly nods and picks a public hair from her tongue. She then talks to the camera and says, "The only fear I have is, I guess, being alone in the dark." Msaada asks if there's any kind of (and she does the "finger-quotes" here) "witch" out in the woods, "or stick men." James wears a shirt that reads, "GW Rugby." I figure "Gay White Rugby," but it's just a guess. Holly again talks to the camera and says, beginning to cry, that "ghosts" and "demons" still scare her...things "that [she knows] are real but you can't touch and see...and that's what scares [her]." So Holly heads out with her Bible and McSteve stops her and tells her, regarding the Bible, "One thing we want to do, is for you to be able to think for yourself." He quickly realizes he's stuck his mayoral foot in his mouth, and he adds, "...or, inside yourself." Holly protests that her Bible will help her. Steve is a big fucking pussy and gets all "Mmmkay" on Holly; instead of saying, "No fucking Bible, stupid," he says, "Let's find a way where you can go out there without it." Holly starts crying, because she is four, and says that she's done it before, but this time, Not Without My Bible (starring Sally Field). She says, "I want to do this, but I'm not going without it." Steve cracks me up by responding, "Let's just look at...going out without the Bible." Hee. Great comeback, Steve. You really bamboozled her. I'm going to try out that logic on someone sometime. "Stee, I'm not going to go out with you." "Well, how about instead we investigate...you going out with me." "Oh. Well, okay then." Tony Robbins better keep his eye on his job, lest Steve take the motivational speaking world by storm. So Holly tells SmoothSteve that all she may get out of going without the Bible, is not sleeping and losing her mind. Holly then talks to the camera and tells B/M that they're going to hell for trying to get her to spend two days alone in the woods without her Holy Book. While I agree that B/M is going to hell if they don't actually live there already, Holly's argument is seriously weakened by how whiny and bratty she's being about the whole thing. Holly finally decides to go, telling us that she'll find out how strong her faith is without "that book." I'm guessing it has very little to do with the book and a lot more to do with Holly getting Holly's way. And B/M, I'm just guessing, but I think by not letting Holly take her Bible, you're in for one bumpy mission from the Ho-Ho corner; she'll find a way get the attention on her. I'm just saying...
So Steve gives a little motivational speech -- New Age music playing -- about how this is an opportunity to "step back" (he punctuates that by actually taking a step back...what a fucking pro!) and take a look at the "big picture." Theo wonders what "big picture" they're going to be given to look at. Hopefully it will be a picture of a doggie or a monkey, because Theo likes monkeys. Laterrian tells the camera that everyone is sick of being "up under each other's noses." Maybe that's why Laterrian is always so stuffed up. James agrees that this will be a good time to relax and reflect and do some "real soul searching;" James has no intention of reflecting. Elaine tells the kids that they'll take them out to their sites one by one and show them the boundaries of their areas. Kathryn tells Elaine, "I don't really like being alone." Yeah, we guessed that, Kathryn. Can't even go to the bathroom alone. Elaine goes on to tell the kids that they'll have their Panic Whistles and to keep them around their necks at all times in case of emergency -- like a bear, or a scorpion...or if you're lonely. Theo tells the camera (I guess we're having a floaty-less episode) that he's excited to see what it's "going to bring out of [him]." Well, in the past, we've seen almost everything possible come out of him, so I don't really need to see anything else. Really. So the House Music of No Production Value starts up, and we get a split-screen montage of the kids walking to their little areas. Laterrian drops his stuff. Wow. That was a fucking exciting sequence. Steve scares Msaada by dropping he
r off at her little site (replete with lean-to) and telling her that there "shouldn't be anything living inside of it." They're not sure because B/M hates Msaada and didn't pay for Steve and Elaine to actually scout out a safe area for her -- "Put the little black girl wherever you find a clearing. We don't give a crap. We're not even going to put batteries in her camera. Hah!" Theo stares at his camera. Steve asks Holly if she needs anything. Holly, instead of saying, "Constant attention from men," lies and says, "Nope." "Forty-eight hours in solitude begins now," says Mayor McSteve. Holly tries not to cry as yet another man walks away from her. She begins cleaning her area. Shot of the kids at their individual sites now. Kathryn looks around. James arranges his sleeping stuff. Laterrian huffs at the camera. Msaada brushes stuff off the ground. Whoa! Holly puts the camera waaaay too close to her face, as she tells us, "I'm trying not to think about it too much, at all." Scaryteeth. Shot of her site. Scary tree. There's a nice symmetry there. Strange music. We're supposed to feel "foreboding." How can I feel anything but pure joy as the shot gives way to the first commercial break, though? That's a fucking challenge.
Graphic of Stupid tells us that it's "Hour One." It sure feels at least that long. Oh, for the kids, not for us viewers. James says, "Here we go." Holly, still too close: "I don't know, this is going to be kind of insane." Insane being the operative word when talking about Holly. Msaada, sweet and cheerful as always -- except when she's getting Pesci on James -- shows us her view of the valley. Laterrian shows us his tent and "[his] pinecones." Wow, Laterrian found pinecones in a forest. Those could be worth something! Holly shows the measly stock of food they've been given -- including a bagel, a banana, and a cookie. Dude, that's more than is in my fridge right now. James. Kathryn. Laterrian. Msaada, smiling. G of S: "Sense of Self." Holly, still crazy close to the camera: "I'm kind of trying to be positive about all of this right now. I'm hoping it all goes well." She's spooky. Cute, but spooky. And not so cute in this shot. More spooky than cute. Like, spook-cu-y. Laterrian suddenly begins the self-revelation by saying that he always wanted to be the stud everyone looked up to -- the pretty boy -- to meet the approval of his friends, but along the way he lost his sense of self. Well, how can Laterrian really have much of a sense of self when there are two of him? I mean, if "T" has a sense of Laterrian and vice versa, does that count? ZenKathryn, her "serious" voice on, says, "It hasn't been an easy trip for me." She goes on to say that she's had a lot of emotions she's never had before and a lot of things she's had to overcome. Yeah, like the lock to the bathroom-stall door, Laterrian's belt, her own bra clasp. Shot of the mountain. "Spooky" music. A spookier Holly says, "It's kind of this hazy light right now. Which is kind of creepy. And I'm waiting for the sun to go down. And, uh, waiting. And waiting. And waiting and waiting and waiting." The funny thing I realize is that part of the reason she's looking so odd is that she's looking to the right of the lens. And you know why? Because that's where the little pop-open screen on the camera is. She's just performing for herself right now. Freaky. I wonder what happens when the cameras aren't on Holly? Does she melt? Does she disappear? Does she stand catatonic, finding no reason to do anything if no one is going to see? All I know is I'm looking at HollyBoogers right now and she needs to back the fuck up. And...Theo breaks the little "waiting" spell Holly created by Bringin' on da Noise, Bringin' on da Hick, and yodeling, "Happy birthday to me. Today's mah twentieth birthday. Two decades of Theo in the books." What books? That's a library I want to make sure to never visit. Just like I never want to see James, The Movie ever in my life. We see that Theo has written birthday greetings to himself on his blue lean-to in what looks like, well, dookie. Theo goes on to say that the "funny" thing is, only Mother Nature showed up to party; I have a feeling that his party's attendance levels, were he not in seclusion, would be exactly the same. comes James, who blahs about learning that "maturity" is not about getting older, but about learning things: "You can mature more, and not have to grow old." Where? Does James have a time machine? Did he find the Cocoon? He goes on to say that he's mostly afraid of growing old. He should be more afraid of discovering exactly what it is in him that makes him love tackling other men and being in a fraternity more than anything else in life.
is Kathryn, who kicks off this section the G of S labels as "Fears." Sniffling (could be emotions or just the constant mucus problem she and Laterrian both seem to suffer from), she tells us that she most fears going through life without someone to share it with. Ah, Reed must be like, "Uh...hello?" A shirtless Theo tells us that he's been afraid to care about people. Are you sure it hasn't been "the people" who have been afraid? Holly now. She focuses the camera on a big pile of sticks. Huge. Weird. Like her teeth. She swivels the camera back to her huge face since she was approaching thirty seconds off-camera there, and giddily stares right at her image on the little screen, smiling and checking her face from all angles. "Very suspicious looking. Isn't it? Yeah. Lovely." Msaada now. She talks fast, as she's sure B/M is going to cut her off any second; she talks about it being "difficult" and not wanting to have friends or "associates" enough to willingly give up information about herself. Music of My Headache starts. Trees. "Hour Seven." Laterrian, in his tent, says, "At home it was either having sex or working out. Working out or having sex." Same with Marky Mark in the early '90s. Or Richard Simmons visiting a "fat camp" for boys. Msaada, in a very funny deadpan, says that she sometimes questions the priorities of people on this trip. Theo takes the conversation in a whole different direction by saying that if he could go anywhere, it would be to heaven to give his dad a hug: "Because I know he probably really wants one. And um, I'd just tell him how much I miss him. And tell him about the fun I've been having. And just tell him how scared I've been sometimes." Shit. I have nothing bad to say about him here. That's pretty sweet. I mean, he's still a fucking freak, but that was sweet. Holly now: "Oh man. This is crazy. I'm stuck out here." You know, this is just like the solitary confinement scene in The Hurricane, where Denzel talks to imaginary tormentors and goes nuts, only that was under horrible conditions over months in the dark. This is Holly sitting in a campsite for seven hours straight. Ooh. Call fucking Amnesty International. "Hour Eight." Split screen. Bad, bad music that ruins everything. Awful. Kathryn looking tired, staring. James huffs. Theo says again that he'd give his dad a hug. Laterrian fucks with the lens. Holly, eyes glued to herself on the little monitor, makes a face. Theo. "Luckily, my dad got to meet Mr. Rhett, the, um, sort of father figure in my life...[a tear rolls down his cheek]...my dad really liked the whole family, and he like, you know, he was just so amazed that I could meet people like Miss Wendy and Mr. Rhett who, uh, who would take me into their home, and people like Mr. Wally and Miss Frankie, who would take me into their home." He goes on to say that his dad was happy about it, and he knew that he was going to die soon. Wow. How sad. Really. And I'm not just talking about the fact that a twenty-year-old still refers to people as "Mr. Wally" and "Miss Wendy." James listens to the wind. Theo looks down. Holly says, "Bye-bye." We see her get ready for her mental breakdown...I mean, bed.
Night. Shots of the moon. Split-screens all over. Msaada in The Blair Witch Project knit cap, light from the camera all that illuminates her face. Same with James. G of S: "Hour Fifteen." Kath
ryn: "This has been the scariest mission yet." She talks of how your mind creates scenarios, "so that's very scary." Go spend the night truly alone in the woods. That's scary. Having a video camera and a whole crew within whistling distance from you is not that scary, Kathryn. James tells us that this is a lot harder than he thought it would be. The moon. They're playing a hard beat version of "O Fortuna." Retards. A whistle goes off. James tells us a whistle went off. So does Msaada. Moon. Music louder. Flashlights running to the sound of the whistle. Okay...let's see. It's not James. It's not Msaada. I'm guessing Theo lost his whistle a few hours ago, and Laterrian has too much pride to panic. More running. Shot of Kathryn then James. So it's not Kathryn either. Who does that leave? Hmm...And commercial.
So the mayors are running and the whistle is blowing and the bad music is pumping and Steve, with the flashlight (and a B/M cameraman), comes upon...Holly. Of course. She's curled up in her sleeping bag. "How ya doin'?" asks Steve. "I've got to get out of here," she cries. "What's going on?" "I can't do this. It's not worth my [beep] sanity." Tears. Sniffles. I feel both bad for Holly -- who admittedly is afraid of the dark -- and disgusted by what a crybaby drama queen she is. She goes on to say that it took her an hour to get up the courage to blow the whistle. When Steve says, "You look pretty terrified," Holly cries harder. You sort of want to hug her and then slap her. "You have no idea," she sobs. Okay, now you just want to slap her, because no matter how much you sympathize and can understand, your understanding of the emotion of fear can in no way be anywhere near Holly's deep understanding of fear. "Is there anything in particular?" asks Steve. Pause. Pause. "Ghosts," says Holly. Sob. "Gh-oo-sts." I see a ghost, too!...Oh no, that's just the last shred of Holly's dignity running off into the woods. Sob. Sob. Pause. Okay, now you just want to run away as fast as you can. Cut to Msaada. Msaada hopes that whoever blew the whistle (Holly) is okay (Holly) and nothing is drastically wrong (Holly) with them (Holly). Man Msaada is short! Tom Cruise short. Mini Me short. Short bus short. She makes Adam Rich look like Shaq. Shot of the moon. "Hour Eighteen." The mayors and cameraman stand around a now-dressed Holly. Steve, the absolute worst motivator in the field, tells Holly that it takes a lot of terror to get to the point she was at when they found her. Oh Steve, Holly can work up some emotions pretty quick, my friend. "It was too quiet," wails Holly. "It's too quiet. Cuz there weren't any animals around, cuz they scare 'em away." Steve asks if she felt alone. "No, I wasn't alone," says Holly. "That's the problem. Cuz they find me no matter where I go." Uh, boy. Wow. Um...I'm stunned. Is Holly aware of what she sounds like right now? We get a funny shot of Elaine watching Holly, equally stunned. Cut right to the mayors setting up their sleeping stuff to stay with Holly. Holly brats about waiting for her father to show. Steve asks if her father is still in her life. "No, he's dead," says Holly, as if the world is stupid for not knowing that. Man, you couldn't write characters like Holly and Theo. I mean...oh, yeah you could. A hick and a drama queen. Oops. Forget it. That's actually pretty easy.
It's dawn and Holly crouches on a rock. Elaine is in her sleeping bag. Steve walks around. "Hour Twenty." What? She had only two more hours of night to go? Man, what a wuss. Holly tries to explain herself to the B/M camera, telling us that she's decided not to finish the mission and that she hasn't seen her father since he died. "And to most people that seems rather normal, however, um, I kind of, I just keep expecting him to show up." The way she says "most people" makes it sound as if most people are stupid and dumb and she's special and feels and thinks so much more than the poor rest of us. She goes on to say that it was the last thing she needed when she was totally gripped with fear -- her dad to show up and laugh at her. Wow. He sounds shitty. She sounds wacky. What a pair. More shots of trees. Graphic of Stupid reads, "Production." The question that graphic was answering: "What is B/M very very bad at?" So Theo blesses us with his rubeness, and tells us that even though B/M told them not to talk about production, he's never been one to follow rules (or understand simple math). So instead of dishing (or at least B/M doesn't let us get to the part where he starts saying how bad the Road Master is and how Holly was sleeping with the boom operator), he just self-grades himself on the show, saying that he thinks he's been "a good piece of the puzzle." Apparently, Theo isn't as rebellious as he thinks because we get Laterrian talking also about "production," saying that when he did his audition interviews he "made [himself] seem like more of a mack than what [he] really was." So maybe Laterrian doesn't really "fall in the pussy," maybe he more just trips near it and occasionally lands on some. Msaada reveals a crafty side by saying that she made up her mind that she was going to be on the show and did everything she could think of to make it happen. Msaada rocks. B/M is coming in on what they think is the correct side of things by pushing Msaada so obviously to the background, since she's not controversial like Holly, but as a result they're rewarding people for being fucking insane. Good job, B/M! Someone hand them a Peabody! James . He frats about something he's learned "upon this trip," (obviously it's not grammar). "It takes the people that don't like you to tell you exactly what's wrong with you." You're welcome, James. My pleasure. "Hour Twenty-Nine."
The Music of My Nic Fit. Random split-screen shots of the kids. Kathryn squats. Ew. Theo's solo now, bobbing his head to the sound of his three brain cells searching for each other. Laterrian: "Oh, man." James, doing something to his campsite, is also upset by something and says, "Oh, man." G of S reads, "Regrets." I've had a few. But then again. Most of them have involved the watching of this show. Laterrian picks up the "regret" mantle: "My biggest regret on this thing...on this trip, probably has to be hooking up with Kathryn." Whoa. Revelation alert! Watch: "Probably. Probably, probably still be having sex with Kathryn right now. If I, if I chose." Okay, now I'm no Laterrian defender by any means, but watching the Edit of Deceit, it seems to me that Laterrian could easily have been saying that if they had decided to do it or go out for real, he would probably still be having sex with her. The way it's edited, it seems like B/M is indeed trying to make us think they had sex when they didn't. If this is true, B/M is even worse than I've ever said. Worse than the worst thing I've said about them, which if you go back, is pretty bad. If this is true, they should be run over by the Shasta. Kathryn now: "I think it's ironic that, um, my boyfriend was willing to forgive me -- who had a lot more at stake for doing so." So, Kathryn's talking about the Alanis Morissette kind of fake irony, right? Back to Laterrian, who says that he thinks he knows when things are better left unsaid. Msaada, now: "Honesty is very important. So is communication." B/M: "Eh. It's Msaada. Who gives a shit. Cut away from her. She already had fourteen seconds of screen time, that's enough." James is bored out of his skull -- which isn't that hard considering there's not much brain to weigh him down. This is kind of funny, though: "Hear the wind blow. That's interesting, that's pretty mind-boggling. Oh my God, okay. Big surge of boredom there." I have "big surges of boredom" too. I call them "Monday night, 10 PM." Kathryn now: "I don't see the guys in this group ever being forgiving of me." She's big on needing "forgiveness." Move on, girl. To talk seriously for a quick second here near the end of this not-quite-as-horrible-as-usual episode, Kathryn needs to just tell everyone to fuck off if they're still giving her shit for lying or for whatever. I mean, for all of Holly's bad points -- and there are many -- she at least is unrepentant in her suckiness, and that's something. James is now singing a song about his "piece of poo campsite." Laterrian, at Holly-distance from the camera, observes two blue jays going by, the male (probably) chasing the female. He snots that he wishes women would go up to men sometimes -- he's extrapolated the observation now to talking about humans, no longer birds. "Man, life would be so simple." James continues his song. Theo tells us that he finds he makes pretty good company for himself. I imagine Theo's quite used to entertaining himself by now. James is flipping out with camera tomfoolery, planning to try out later to be a B/M cameraperson. His camera-work is just as good as any of the "professionals" in the prestigious B/M family.
"Hour Forty-Two." Oh my God, yes it is. It's dark now. The ghosts descend upon Holly's campsite. However, finding her not alone, they head over to Theo's site where they immediately kill him. Oh damn, I guess not -- Theo does the "Nighty-night!" thing to the camera. See, that catchphrase has at least caught on with the stupid -- and that is a big segment of the B/M audience. Kathryn whispers that the sun is coming up and she can soon walk around. "I'm looking forward to it." It's dawn and James shakes, he's so excited to see his "friends." Oh, you mean the four people who hate you, plus Theo? Kathryn says, "This is my last few hours alone." Funny face. Clown hair. Scaring me just a little. Scaring me a lot. Move on please. Thank you. "Hour Forty-Eight." The kids walk around. Steve picks up everyone at their sites one by one. Everyone forgets about Msaada and drives out of the national park. Msaada dies of exposure and starvation a week later, after living off grubs and tree bark. B/M only realizes this two weeks later, when they show up to shoot Msaada's final exposition footage. Oops. Actually, Msaada is not forgotten somehow, and she and Laterrian hug furiously, having been reunited. Laterrian and James hug. James and Kathryn. Laterrian and Theo. Holly sits on a rock alone, having wimped out at what, like, hour seven? What a warrior! Kathryn lies her been-around ass off, telling Holly that it took a lot of guts for her to blow the whistle: "Because I can't tell you how many, like, thousand times [sic] I thought about blowing it myself." Kathryn's thought about blowing a lot of things. She hugs Holly for having done the blowing first, this time. Holly voice-overs that they collectively made a decision that if one person didn't want to do a certain mission, he or she wouldn't be forced to: "And, this is mine." The kids are all sitting in a big circle with Steve, who's trying to get them to divine some meaning from the past two wasted days of their lives, as well as mine. Theo tells Msaada that he wants to know what she thought about out there alone. B/M furiously signals to Theo to stop asking Msaada questions because they don't give a shit about her. Too late. Msaada answers in a voice-over that she needs to open up more and accept these people as who they are. ZenKathryn tells the group that they should all remember that they've bonded -- basically a ploy to try to get everyone not to hate her anymore: "We're gonna really need each other." Laterrian says, "This could have been the greatest week we've had out of
the ten." Kathryn goes slo-mo and nods her head. Steve hands coins all around...oops, none for you Holly. Woo! There's a ghost! Run! Ha, kidding. "Mission Seventeen, Completed." Split-shots of the kids hugging the mayors and then leaving. Whoa! Wait. What? Laterrian says how he only has a week left, and that he was happy but now he's sad about that. A week?! Is this a week in B/M time -- meaning possibly eight more episodes in different chronological order? Or are there really only one or two episodes left? Oh don't you tease me Laterrian. Not like you teased Theo a few episodes back in the waterfall. Laterrian says, "I only have a week to do things that I'll probably never ever do again in my entire life." Yeah, like Kathryn. Shasta driving away. And..."credits."
Setting: Los Angeles, California. Offices of Bunim-Murray Productions
B: Oh, now that's just stupid.
M: Yes, of course it's stupid. But--
B: But what?
M: But we have to do something! We're getting creamed.
B: I know, but--
M: The fucking Food Network is beating us.
B:But this...
M:I know.
B:It's just sad, M.
M:I know.
B:I mean, no one cares about either show.
M:I know. But what else is there to do?
B:[pause] I don't know.
M:Do you like your car? And your house?
B:Yeah.
M:And your club membership?
B:[sheepishly] Yeah...
M:Then what the hell have we got to lose?
B:Our self-respect.
M:Lost that years ago.
B:Oh, that's right. What the hell?
", on Road Rules." Holly in a hat laughing hy-Scaryteeth-sterically. Someone says, "Road Rules, meet O-Town." O-Town?! What the --? Is this that shit from Making The Band? Oh Jesus Christ! Yeah, we see a shot of the O's: Jacob, Trevor, Erik, and Ashley. Ashley? That's a dude? And I don't want to ruffle any feathers here, but Jacob is perhaps the gayest looking thing I've seen since I went to a Rip Taylor cabaret show in the West Village. James gets jealousfloaty and says, "Flat out, nobody wants to lose to a boy band." The groups shake hands and Leeza Gibbons or one of those blonde "host" people says, "You guys ready for your final face-off?" It's a winner-take-all sailing race for twelve thousand bucks. A couple random girls are standing with the Road Rules crowd as FakeLeeza talks. Shots of two sailboats. One of the O's says, "Being a band is going to help us be a team." Oh Lord, I'm glad I'm not doing that show. At least there's that. Theo and his blue jump-suited brethren pull on some ropes furiously. The boat is leaning, falling. So are my eyelids. Blackout.
James' camera. He sings and shows his tent and stuff: "Here is my campsite. It's a pretty cool campsite. I got a cool flag and tent site..." We get a shot of some weird pinecone structure he's made. "...if you're here you'd know how cool it was. Sooooo...This here is my campsite. It's a really good campsite. And there's only about seven more hours left in the day. Thus concludes the campsite song." James is funny here. Thus, it can be said that James is best when he's very bored. That bodes quite poorly for him in the future.