Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dumbward Bound
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 16 | Aired on 10.01.2000
It's dawn and Holly crouches on a rock. Elaine is in her sleeping bag. Steve walks around. "Hour Twenty." What? She had only two more hours of night to go? Man, what a wuss. Holly tries to explain herself to the B/M camera, telling us that she's decided not to finish the mission and that she hasn't seen her father since he died. "And to most people that seems rather normal, however, um, I kind of, I just keep expecting him to show up." The way she says "most people" makes it sound as if most people are stupid and dumb and she's special and feels and thinks so much more than the poor rest of us. She goes on to say that it was the last thing she needed when she was totally gripped with fear -- her dad to show up and laugh at her. Wow. He sounds shitty. She sounds wacky. What a pair. More shots of trees. Graphic of Stupid reads, "Production." The question that graphic was answering: "What is B/M very very bad at?" So Theo blesses us with his rubeness, and tells us that even though B/M told them not to talk about production, he's never been one to follow rules (or understand simple math). So instead of dishing (or at least B/M doesn't let us get to the part where he starts saying how bad the Road Master is and how Holly was sleeping with the boom operator), he just self-grades himself on the show, saying that he thinks he's been "a good piece of the puzzle." Apparently, Theo isn't as rebellious as he thinks because we next get Laterrian talking also about "production," saying that when he did his audition interviews he "made [himself] seem like more of a mack than what [he] really was." So maybe Laterrian doesn't really "fall in the pussy," maybe he more just trips near it and occasionally lands on some. Msaada reveals a crafty side by saying that she made up her mind that she was going to be on the show and did everything she could think of to make it happen. Msaada rocks. B/M is coming in on what they think is the correct side of things by pushing Msaada so obviously to the background, since she's not controversial like Holly, but as a result they're rewarding people for being fucking insane. Good job, B/M! Someone hand them a Peabody! James next. He frats about something he's learned "upon this trip," (obviously it's not grammar). "It takes the people that don't like you to tell you exactly what's wrong with you." You're welcome, James. My pleasure. "Hour Twenty-Nine."
The Music of My Nic Fit. Random split-screen shots of the kids. Kathryn squats. Ew. Theo's solo now, bobbing his head to the sound of his three brain cells searching for each other. Laterrian: "Oh, man." James, doing something to his campsite, is also upset by something and says, "Oh, man." G of S reads, "Regrets." I've had a few. But then again. Most of them have involved the watching of this show. Laterrian picks up the "regret" mantle: "My biggest regret on this thing...on this trip, probably has to be hooking up with Kathryn." Whoa. Revelation alert! Watch: "Probably. Probably, probably still be having sex with Kathryn right now. If I, if I chose." Okay, now I'm no Laterrian defender by any means, but watching the Edit of Deceit, it seems to me that Laterrian could easily have been saying that if they had decided to do it or go out for real, he would probably still be having sex with her. The way it's edited, it seems like B/M is indeed trying to make us think they had sex when they didn't. If this is true, B/M is even worse than I've ever said. Worse than the worst thing I've said about them, which if you go back, is pretty bad. If this is true, they should be run over by the Shasta. Kathryn now: "I think it's ironic that, um, my boyfriend was willing to forgive me -- who had a lot more at stake for doing so." So, Kathryn's talking about the Alanis Morissette kind of fake irony, right? Back to Laterrian, who says that he thinks he knows when things are better left unsaid. Msaada, now: "Honesty is very important. So is communication." B/M: "Eh. It's Msaada. Who gives a shit. Cut away from her. She already had fourteen seconds of screen time, that's enough." James is bored out of his skull -- which isn't that hard considering there's not much brain to weigh him down. This is kind of funny, though: "Hear the wind blow. That's interesting, that's pretty mind-boggling. Oh my God, okay. Big surge of boredom there." I have "big surges of boredom" too. I call them "Monday night, 10 PM." Kathryn now: "I don't see the guys in this group ever being forgiving of me." She's big on needing "forgiveness." Move on, girl. To talk seriously for a quick second here near the end of this not-quite-as-horrible-as-usual episode, Kathryn needs to just tell everyone to fuck off if they're still giving her shit for lying or for whatever. I mean, for all of Holly's bad points -- and there are many -- she at least is unrepentant in her suckiness, and that's something. James is now singing a song about his "piece of poo campsite." Laterrian, at Holly-distance from the camera, observes two blue jays going by, the male (probably) chasing the female. He snots that he wishes women would go up to men sometimes -- he's extrapolated the observation now to talking about humans, no longer birds. "Man, life would be so simple." James continues his song. Theo tells us that he finds he makes pretty good company for himself. I imagine Theo's quite used to entertaining himself by now. James is flipping out with camera tomfoolery, planning to try out later to be a B/M cameraperson. His camera-work is just as good as any of the "professionals" in the prestigious B/M family.
"Hour Forty-Two." Oh my God, yes it is. It's dark now. The ghosts descend upon Holly's campsite. However, finding her not alone, they head over to Theo's site where they immediately kill him. Oh damn, I guess not -- Theo does the "Nighty-night!" thing to the camera. See, that catchphrase has at least caught on with the stupid -- and that is a big segment of the B/M audience. Kathryn whispers that the sun is coming up and she can soon walk around. "I'm looking forward to it." It's dawn and James shakes, he's so excited to see his "friends." Oh, you mean the four people who hate you, plus Theo? Kathryn says, "This is my last few hours alone." Funny face. Clown hair. Scaring me just a little. Scaring me a lot. Move on please. Thank you. "Hour Forty-Eight." The kids walk around. Steve picks up everyone at their sites one by one. Everyone forgets about Msaada and drives out of the national park. Msaada dies of exposure and starvation a week later, after living off grubs and tree bark. B/M only realizes this two weeks later, when they show up to shoot Msaada's final exposition footage. Oops. Actually, Msaada is not forgotten somehow, and she and Laterrian hug furiously, having been reunited. Laterrian and James hug. James and Kathryn. Laterrian and Theo. Holly sits on a rock alone, having wimped out at what, like, hour seven? What a warrior! Kathryn lies her been-around ass off, telling Holly that it took a lot of guts for her to blow the whistle: "Because I can't tell you how many, like, thousand times [sic] I thought about blowing it myself." Kathryn's thought about blowing a lot of things. She hugs Holly for having done the blowing first, this time. Holly voice-overs that they collectively made a decision that if one person didn't want to do a certain mission, he or she wouldn't be forced to: "And, this is mine." The kids are all sitting in a big circle with Steve, who's trying to get them to divine some meaning from the past two wasted days of their lives, as well as mine. Theo tells Msaada that he wants to know what she thought about out there alone. B/M furiously signals to Theo to stop asking Msaada questions because they don't give a shit about her. Too late. Msaada answers in a voice-over that she needs to open up more and accept these people as who they are. ZenKathryn tells the group that they should all remember that they've bonded -- basically a ploy to try to get everyone not to hate her anymore: "We're gonna really need each other." Laterrian says, "This could have been the greatest week we've had out of