Previously on Road Rules: James in the Shasta complaining to Dr. Theo Brothers that he is surrounded by people who are constantly doubting him. He rips a metal panel off the wall as Theo watches, fascinated and/or turned-on. Holly floats, "James got dubbed the ass-[beep] of the group. It's gonna take work, on his part, to kind of lose that title." Holly smiles at her funny, going Scaryteeth to the off-camera boom-operator. The When Balcony Argument. Msaada tells James that he's very self-involved. James comes back strong with something about opinions vs. judgment, and adds a sarcastic "dear" for effect. Msaada lies, telling James that he has the potential to be very cool, and she doesn't want to see him "make a mistake." I hope this is Msaada's low-point of the trip -- telling James that he has secret levels, because I'm afraid James is beginning to believe it. And James' head is already bigger than Lenny Kravitz's. Resident Evil has secret levels. James, not so much.
Road Master. He mixes things up this time by saying, "Welcome, Road Rulers." So I'm a Road Ruler now? But I don't wanna be a Road Ruler. Intro. Yawn. Pet the cat. Look out the window. Watch everyone going out and having fun. Couples heading on dates. Children riding those little scooters. People walking their dogs. I want a scooter. I want a dog. I cry. Scratch at the window, whimpering. No one looks up. No one notices. Road Master keeps talking. He won't stop. He never stops. The weather is beautiful. Tears sting my cheeks. A squirrel scampers by on the telephone wire outside my window. He stops and points at me. Laughs. Drops a nut in the process. Curses me. Scampers on. I laugh, but a sad laugh. The laugh of the trapped. The laugh of the slowly cracking. The laugh of someone with twenty-one-and-a-half minutes of A Bunim-Murray Production ahead of him. The laugh of someone whom life is passing by like a New York City cab driving past a waiting Danny Glover. Someone reduced to making jokes about Danny Glover. I'm losing it, folks.
The Music of My Headache. Four split-screen shots of a beach. Graphic of Stupid says, "Capetown, South Africa." Uh...they're still in Africa. Still! They will never leave. America cheers. "The Sea Castle." I guess it's a hotel. If you're ever in South Africa, folks, don't stay at the Sea Castle. It's got Road Rules stench on it. And that shit don't come out with Comet and a brush. The kids get a clue and gather around their black laptop. Meanwhile, back in America, the iBook, fearing the kids' return, jumps out of the Shasta and runs off into the forest. The B/M editing staff -- I mean, cellblock F of Sheldrake County Prison -- is so desperate to make Road Master interesting that, while he talks, they start making the picture careen around the screen like the bouncy bullets in Atari's "Combat" game. Road Master: "James! I know you hate it when I single you out. Especially when I try and scare you. [sounds of screams -- I check...they're not coming from me...this time] I have one question for you about tomorrow: can you spell...vomit?!" During this last part, the Road Master goes a little too far with his scenery-chewing and actually bumps his nose into the glass in front of him. Hee hee. He's stupid. Email. Catchphrase. Ain't so catchy, is it, B/M? The kids have no reaction. None. Silver Cheek Star Theo, meanwhile, is trying unsuccessfully to sound out "vomit." ExpositionMsaada tells us that the kids are told to meet "Graham" at a Capetown airport. The Montage of Short Bus Drivage. Kathryn is behind the wheel. Kids inside, not talking to each other. Crows on a sign. I don't know why. Short bus pulls up in fast motion to the hangar. Is this the Keystone Kops alla sudden?
The kids walk to "Thunder City" and on the tarmac are met by Graham Smith, new Mission Mayor. Graham talks and Holly goes Scaryteeth all up and down the airport, causing three plans to crash from the glare. Mayor Graham tells them that although he doesn't know what they are expecting, Thunder City is a jet-flight school. The kids all bounce up and down. I wonder if I would bounce if I jumped from the roof right now? They pull this blue jet out of the hangar. More screaming and happiness. I hate to see them happy. Theo touches James a lot. Much "dude"-ing. Awful harmonica music. Or is that redundant? Mayor GrahamCracker tells the kids that only one of them will have "the trip of a lifetime" and will be "Top Gun." Jerry Bruckheimer is calling B/M as we speak for his royalties on the term. Holly goes too-much-hair-gel floaty and says, "I want this mission more than anything we've done at all." Golden Graham babbles about what the plane can do. Msaada floats that it's always been a dream of hers to be a pilot. B/M issues a press release that they hate Msaada and vow to crush her dream. Laterrian then floats how much he wants to fly. Then James floats that he and his buddies back home are big Top Gun fans. Ah, cineastes, all. I'm sure they sit home on weekend nights, commenting on the subtext in Viper's warnings to Maverick, Kelly McGillis' wicker porch furniture collection as a metaphor for the fragility of life, and the use of Goose as a Christ figure. "Take my breath away," whispers Theo, holding a volleyball and some oil, should James feel like a game. James continues that he's looking forward to competing to win the mission, adding, "I think all my friends back home would be jealous, but are also looking for me represent this mission and take home the trophy." Should we pause to examine the logic and grammar errors in that sentence? Nah, fuck it. My sanity is too tenuous. As is James' grasp on the English language. Mayor Graham tells the kids that they have to take a series of elimination tests to judge their suitability to be a pilot. Theo floats that it's a contest involving a knowledge quiz, a quiz about the ejector seat, and a flight simulator. ExpositionMsaada continues that the top three total-score-getters will go on a flight and be asked to do stuff, and then the one who does the best will get to go on the "Top Gun" flight and do special moves and stunts. Graham babbles about how he hopes the kids will have fun. Holly fake-smiles and only half-looks at him, like he's a piece of shit and she is the shit. Maybe the suck-ass Holly is back. God, I hope so.
So the kids dress up in red jumpsuits. Damn, man. Who's costuming this season? Ugly Jumpsuits 'R Us? The kids are gathered around a conference table where flight instructor Anthony explains that this will be a complicated day, and they should pay attention and learn as much as possible. James floats again about how competitive he is, adding, "And if I win a trophy, cool." I think he must be talking about another project he's working on, because there ain't no trophy. Class progresses, and as James answers a question, Theo guiltily opens his notepad, all, "Y'all, I didn't know there was gonna be writin' involved. I ain't so good with the book learnin'." Teaching montage. Fucking fascinating, yo. Anthony hands out tests called, as the Graphic of Stupid tells us, "Principles of Flight." Theo writes, "First principle of flight: don't try to read that in-flight magazine. That stuff is way hard. Be prepared -- bring coloring books instead." Split-screen test-taking montage. I fall off my chair, The Nods in full effect. Now Anthony teaches about the ejector seat: "Most importantly, if your buddy has to eject because you left your wingman and went too far below the hard deck and ended up in a flat spin, cradle his head when you're in the water and then cry in your tighty-whities when you get back to the base. Everyone will forgive you. Except for that Kilmer, but he's a bastard anyway." So Anthony hands out another test called "Ejector Seat." Theo cries.
is the flight simulator, which is basically a chair in front of a bank of fake controls with a map pinned onto it. Yo, I had a better flight simulator on my GameBoy seven years ago than this accredited jet-fighter school has. Msaada is first, and she has to shake out she's so nervous. She floats that she's nervous because she's so close to fulfilling one of her "dreams in life." Holly is , and James and Laterrian stand quietly behind her in the little room waiting for their turns. There is a glimmer in Holly's eye. Is it...can it be...the Holly we used to know and hate, circa the Winter Games mission? "I just want you guys to leave," she snaps. Yes! Welcome back Holly! Goodbye, sweet li'l Holly-ho-ho. Well, not the ho part, but the sweet part. The boys innocently wonder why, and Holly continues telling them to leave. As they sheepishly walk out, she smiles that annoying, bitchy smile we haven't seen in forever and says, "Nothing personal, I just don't like a bunch of people watching me." (Oh, bullshit. Holly loves having people watch her.) She continues to talk about being made to go first and then having people watch her and, "well screw that," long after the boys have left. Speaking to the ether. Holly then tells the camera proudly that she's "retained everything perfectly" from the classes, but that she's never played video games in her life so she thinks she's going to lose based on the simulator. Excuses. Bitching. Complaining. Passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing behavior. Insensitivity. Rudeness. Yup, Holly's back, alright. James is on...in...sitting to...the "simulator." He does well, says PudgyInstructor. James tells the camera that he did well, and that he does want to fly the jet, but mostly he doesn't want to lose to Holly, Laterrian, or Msaada. Ha. He knows Kathryn and Theo aren't going to make it? That's cold, yo. So the kids sit around in their jumpsuits and wait for the scores. Theo yodels that "three of [them] are about to fly and three of [them] are about to take a nap." Hick-boy then talks to the camera, sitting inside what looks to be a garbage can, about how they are waiting for the scores etc. etc. Kathryn then says that she hopes no one will have animosity. She says this because, during the simulator, she blew PudgyInstructor in order to guarantee herself a spot. (Yes, I'm kidding. Not ruling it out, but kidding.) Regarding Kathryn's talk of "animosity," Holly says, "I will...I'm warning you right now, this is the one mission that I, like, really, really care about. The one mission." She goes on to say that she'll just be mad in general, not at anyone, but Msaada is already just cracking up. I Mlove Msaada. James then floats, over a double-shot of Holly giving her water bottle a handjob, that Holly is always very open about how she feels, and that she will tell "you" right "in your face" if she's unhappy or mad. James goes on to suggest that Holly should instead do what he does: drink your feelings away or bottle up the anger until it erupts in violence towards wall-furnishings or blathering red-faced tirades against women.
So RandomInstructor comes out to tell the kids that the results are in, and that they changed right at the end. He says he can tell that some people paid a lot of attention in school while some played a lot of "Pac Man." He uses that example not because he's un-hip, but because that's the latest video game South Africa has received. He mentions Theo during this last reference. Theo makes a joke, telling the boys that the guy just called him "Pac Man, dude," and that he thinks the guy is trying to "initiate [him] as some sort of flying instrument today." I know. It's hard to follow when you watch it, too. He's suggesting that RandomInstructor is gay and has the hots for Theo. How childish, making fun of someone by suggesting they might be homosexual! Can you imagine? Graphic of Stupid reads, "The Results Are In," and the kids all head into the teaching room. Anthony lies, telling everyone that they did very well, and that he'd feel comfortable letting anyone go up in the plane based on their performance. But they have to pick three, so third place is James. Laterrian fucking cracks me up by going floaty and saying, "James can't even drive the RV, don't give the boy a jet. I mean, if anything, don't even give the brother a bicycle." Hee. Theo comes in second place and Kathryn is first. She's surprised. Holly claps once and leaves the room. Msaada floats, teary, that she's disappointed but understands since she wasn't able to fly the simulator well. Holly is outside. James is on a green payphone. He calls his dad. Holly walks out onto the tarmac where the planes are kept. Back to James, telling his dad that he gets to fly a fighter jet. Back to Holly, walking towards the planes. Ooh, she's flipped out and she's going to hotwire one and take off! Oh, no. She just stares, Music of Disappointed Non-Flyers playing, the wind whipping her short hair. Feh. And...commercial. At minute eight. Not good, people. Not good. As I fast-forward through the commercial, my cat's lawyer hands me papers suing me for "neglect" and "emotional distress due to defendant's constant crying each week as Monday approaches." I show him thirty seconds of Road Rules. He tears up the papers and draws me a bath.
Shots of planes. Holly hugs Kathryn and then goes floaty, lying that she's happy for Kathryn, and she's "not going to begrudge her the chance, cuz it's the chance of a lifetime and [she's] excited for her." Holly tells Kathryn to "win," and we get a crazy split-screen montage of Kathryn taking off, with Graham actually flying, of course. The kids watch and point. I guess they've never been to an airport before and seen planes take off. How thrilling. They bank and turn (the plane, not the kids on the ground) and Kathryn tells Graham, "I never thought I could do this...ever." Do what? Sit in an airplane? You ain't flying it, girl. More plane shots. The kids cheering. Now Graham does hand over the lever to Kathryn, telling her to bank the plane towards some sand dunes. Kathryn pulls the fake lever to the right as Graham surreptitiously works the real controls. "That's absolutely wonderful," says Graham, having heard about Kathryn's favor for PudgyInstructor. "You have surprised me." (I'll resist "cockpit" jokes...as long as I possibly can.) Kathryn giggles and says, "This feels really good. I always liked being in control." Kathryn is flirting with Graham? Ew. Ew. The plane lands as Kathryn gives the double thumbs-up.
Holly covers her ears against the noise and the voices telling her to stab Graham in the heart and fly the plane herself because she's the best little girl in all of far Northern California and if the world will not bow to her will, she will make it bow to hers. Everyone asks Kathryn how the flight was. Msaada sounds very excited and asks her over and over if it was "amazing," and did she do a good job. Poor Msaada. James hugs Kathryn and asks, "How was it, dude, huh?" That's what James says to all his lovers. Kathryn talks about Graham giving the controls over to her and says that she was freaking out. James gets really fucking excited when Kathryn tells him that the type of control is a "joystick." He grabs an imaginary joystick and starts fondling it. The unwitting homoerotic overtones make my television lose horizontal hold and I have to put 9½ Weeks in the VCR just to settle it down.
Graphic of Stupid: "Theo Wants To Give Up." Oh yes! Theo is quitting the show! Theo is quitting the show! Theo is...oh, no. Shit. Theo and James talk in the hangar about how much the two girls want to fly. Holly floats over the shot of her contemplating high-jacking the plane and again talks about not "begrudging" anyone their flight, and then she insinuates that B/M are cheap and mean bastards for not letting everyone do it. No argument there. There is no Cheek Star of Death, but oh, Scaryteeth is in full effect, y'all. Back to Theo, who tells James that he'd like to go up, but it's not that special to him, the way it is to the others. He says he'd love to fly the "super South African war jet," but he maybe doesn't want it as much. James wants to go up. Theo then floats that he's been thinking about how much people have shared with him: "And even though this is kind of, like, a little, a really small piece of sharing, I just, I just needed to share something." Theo walks up to Msaada and tells her that it's not something that's really important to him so she should go. Laterrian inches closer and closer to Theo, whispering, "Yo, remember that day in the waterfall. Best day of our lives. Remember that?" Theo ignores him. Msaada says that it's not up to them, but Theo disagrees. SelfishJames is nowhere to be seen. "This is the one time in my life that I get to tell you anything," jokes Theo to Msaada. Oh damn. Damn! Why does Theo have to go and be nice? Just when Holly is going full bitch-out, too. Maybe Theo needs to go in the other direction to counteract the wrath of Holly. Maybe nature will be thrown into chaos if there is that much pettiness and venom in one place at one time. But still, I hate seeing Theo do nice things. Damn. Msaada floats about how she can't say enough nice stuff about Theo and how "amazing" it was for him to give up his turn for her. Eh. I hate that. Eh. C'mon, Msaada. Tell someone to "shut up, you!" It's much more fun. If I wanted sweetness, I'd watch the Food Network during Dessert Week. Road Rules is all about conflict, hostility, selfishness, and repressed man-man love. Sort of like the dancers' dressing room on the Britney Spears tour. G of S reads, "Darth Helmet" as, on the tarmac, the kids tease a black-helmet-wearing Msaada that she has a big head. She says that it's the helmet. They realize that she looks like "Darth Helmet" from Spaceballs. She does a quote from that movie. Man, B/M busting out the Daphne Zuniga movie references. That's television on the edge, boy.
Theo and Holly walk together. Holly tells Theo how nice it was to give up his flight for Msaada. I hit the closed captioning button on my TV that transcribes internal monologue instead of dialogue. Here's what it reads during this, "Why didn't you give it to me? Me? Me! Holly! Holly Holly Holly. I'm the pretty one! I'm the fun one! I broke every bone in my body! I'm sexually adventurous. I've been good for about nine episodes now. Me! Me! Love me give it to me lovemelovemeloveme." Back to Kathryn and James. Kathryn tells James that if she wins "Top Gun," she's going to give it to Holly. And then she remembers Laterrian and says that she might just "split a coin between those two." I hope she has a soldering iron, but even so, I don't see how splitting a coin is really going to make up for the fact that they don't get to fly. She goes ZenKathryn on us and says, "Cuz like, I had my time in the sky, you know?" James just stares at her like, "That's good for you, but if I win I'm going." Msaada is in the plane, and she says hello to Graham. Shot of James looking worried for no apparent reason. Msaada and Graham talk about the fact that they're already going two hundred miles per hour. Msaada takes the control and makes the right turn. Graham tells her she's doing a good job and our one polite Road Ruler says, "Thanks Graham, you're so nice." She then asks "please" if he could do a roll. He does. She screams and cheers. "Thank you, oh my goodness." Okay, Msaada is a little too cute for me to handle after the sheer unpleasant force of the Hollysulk. It's like watching Career Opportunities and then flipping right to Breakfast At Tiffany's. The transition can give you the bends. Msaada voice-overs about G-force holding you in your seat. She lands and tells everyone about the rolls and then laughs to the camera, saying, "Oh, it went wonderful." Graham tells Msaada that "dynamite comes in small packages." She laughs. Kathryn laughs. Okay, back to unpleasantness, please. Ah, cue James. Right on time. James gets in the jet and they take off. Random shots. James banks to the left. He screams. They do a roll. It's over quickly. James lands and Kathryn asks him, "Did you wreck anything?" Ha. Still teasing him over the Monster Truck. (I hope he had to pay Cooter to fix it. And bake FatCalvin a pie.) James looks insanely happy, and he says, "Oh my God...oh my. You just feel so powerful in there, you know. You got a whole, big ol' machine. It was just so awesome." Um...scary. But I have to say, his extreme happiness is sort of infectious. Like pink eye. He tells Theo about the take-off and how fast they went and says that the pilot gave him wings he could pin on his shirt and even let him sit in his lap. Holly watches, angry-sad, plotting each person's murder. She looks like Medea here, only with a better dye-job.
So RandomInstructor tells the kids that whoever wins "Top Gun" can give it away, but then they won't get to experience the flight themselves. They all talk, and Laterrian floats that he thinks whoever wins should give the "Super Top Gun" flight to Holly. Now it's "Super Top Gun"? I didn't realize they had enough miles for an upgrade. On the tarmac, RandomInstructor brings up the fact that only one person, then, would not get to fly at all (aside from Theo, I guess, who smartly doesn't count as a person in R.I.'s mind). Laterrian says, "I'll be that person." Holly, in a little B/M box, then talks to the camera about the fact that Msaada and Kathryn are going to hand over their flight to her if they win. New box: "But I'm not thinking about it too hard because James isn't willing to do that. And, uh, if he wins basically I'm [beep] out of luck." In the quiz room, Graham starts his speech: "You know, until recently, we whites had control of South Africa. Apartheid was in place, and everything was the way it should be. Now...Oh. Oops. Wrong speech. Heh." He says that the "big moment" has come and that it was very hard to decide. James tells the camera that although Holly wants to go, she wasn't in the competition, and "fair play's fair play." Also, a dumb frat boy is a dumb frat boy. He adds, butchering yet another saying, "Only the best will survive." Shot around the table. James stares. Theo scratches. Holly eats. Damn, she's like one of them Richard Simmons trapped-in-bed-people, the way she eats...only thin. Kathryn winks at RandomInstructor. Cut. Commercial. When I find myself enjoying the commercials more than the show, I realize that, not only is it a bad show in general, but this is a particularly boring episode. Quizzes. Low-level complaining. Four-second jet flights. Man, bring back the babysitting or something. Jeez.
Oh man, no one at MTV is paying any attention to this show: during the commercial break, they have a commercial for Road Rules! For this very episode. Man. I guess all the execs are off getting fired for okaying the Video Awards set that the Rage Against the Machine bassist climbed up on, or something.
Shots of planes. A helicopter. Whatever. Got stock footage laying around? Throw it into the edit! Who cares? That's the beauty of cutting a show that no one is watching! (I go to the B/M Road Rules website, and it hasn't even been updated for a few weeks. Ooh, they so don't care about this show. Hee. Ah man, in retaliation it just crashed my Netscape. Suck.) So the old guy, I mean Graham, starts talking, and Holly picks her teeth. Kathryn is first. She is praised for having a nice touch on the control. Msaada -- "I liked your smile as much as anything else. And your enthusiasm. That really was good." Ooh, that's a dis on her flying, yo. She looks really pissed. Ooh, but she beat Kathryn. Now James -- so James obviously won. Suck. Okay, what happens leaves me creeped out to the depth of my poor, tired, and bored soul. MayorGraham says, "James, um, got in the cockpit. I had to tell him to bloody well shut up because I thought he was having an orgasm...I've heard of screamers but this one takes the cake." The five catch on fire they laugh so hard. I, meanwhile, try to bait my cat into scratching my face off. She just meows once and goes to hump a sparkle ball. So Graham tells James, mixing flying-movie-title metaphors, that he has the "right stuff to become Top Gun," and Holly looks like she's going to cry...but maybe just cuz she's out of food.
James expresses more dangerous and scary Emilio-Estevez-in-The Breakfast Club-philosophy when he goes floaty and says, "You wanna be right. You wanna win. So the game's never over, until you come out on top." James walks down the stairs, really looking like he's done something great -- like he's achieved some wonderful thing. Be happy, James, fine, but context, m'boy. Proportion. I guess when "winning" is so ingrained, it's all the drug you need...well, that and the occasional case of Schlitz. Holly sulk-walks right behind James and not-at-all-coyly follows him around the indoor hangar. What a moosh. Oh, "what's a moosh?" you ask. I don't know. I just made it up. But it sounds like what she's being. So James, also with too-much-hair-gel, goes floaty and talks about letting competitiveness and winning at any cost become too important to him: "A lot of the time I think, 'Jim, shut up. Does it really matter to you in twenty years? Will it really matter?'" See that's funny, because a lot of the time I just say, "Jim, shut up." And leave it at that. So James is going to Do A Good Thing, and he walks outside and hands the flying vest to SulkHolly. "Take it, man. Take it and love it." (Yeah, that's exactly what James said to Theo that morning in the hotel room a few episodes ago. You're catching on. Good job.) Holly hugs him and he lifts her up and says, "Have a good time, man!" smiling really hugely, perhaps realizing that doing something nice for someone else can feel just as good as winning...but more likely he just felt her butt. She's almost crying, and she says, "I love you forever." Manipulative. Annoying. Efficient. That's Holly. James floats, blathering, "I just really saw a young little girl, that really just wanted to fly that jet. I mean, I had my time in the sun, really. Why not share it with someone else?" So that was James' idea of being "in the sun." Hmmm. Yup, it's all downhill from here, Jim.
So in the cockpit, Holly tells the camera that she's very grateful James gave up his chance to fly, and as she's talking, all traces of emotion are gone. She's going crazy Scaryteeth, and I think we've just witnessed the quintessential Holly: whine and sulk and be mean until you get your way, be thankful for a second, then take take take and don't look back. Hmmm...not a bad philosophy. Maybe I'll try it.
So Holly's jet goes up and she immediately begins screaming, "Oh my God!!!" She says to MysteryPilot, "This is going to become an addiction. I can already feel it." Okay, so we get a montage of them doing tricks and rolls and "Real Top Gun stuff," and the whole time Holly is just squealing and laughing and saying "oh my God" and "oh, yeah," and I just turn off the picture and listen to the sound of this flight montage with the lights off. So after I take a quick shower, the plane lands, and Holly hugs Kathryn saying, "Oh yeah, baby!" She tells James, "Thank you so...I'm okay with not having sex for a very long time now." She jumps around and talks and then goes floaty over images of herself freaking out. She floats about how she was surprised that James gave her the "Top Gun" flight after all their differences so far this trip. She goes on, "But I think there are definitely sides to James that he doesn't like to show a lot. It's nice to see the softer side of James every once in a while." What, like his burgeoning beer gut? James and Holly walk in slo-mo through the hangar, and we see that James is wearing knee-high striped socks under his red jumpsuit. For my own well-being, I try to ignore this fact and listen to James floating, "I've learned there's probably a lot more to me than that frat guy. And I've learned that, like, life is like an ongoing process of changing, you know. And, uh, you can change a little bit every day. And sometimes, you know, it's the little things can add up." James Taylor calls me and asks if he can take James' profound words and make them into a song. I talk him out of it, but only after I show him how the "you know"s really fuck up the rhyme structure.
, on Road Rules. So let me try to explain the image we see first. It's the kids, minus Holly, in little boxes (the Road Master makes up the sixth) in exact copies of The Blair Witch Project pose, with the flashlight coming from underneath and the knit hats. Okay, so they're doing a parody, I think. No. This is no parody. An Asian woman, standing with them in the wilderness says, "Your mission is to spend forty-eight hours in seclusion." Music. Wolves howling. She tells them that if they have an emergency, they have a whistle to blow. I guess the six will all be close enough to each other to hear. "The only fear I have is being alone in the dark," says Holly. Oooh, that's right. Her mom gave that one up during the game show. Uh...oops. So, shot of the moon through trees with clouds and all. I guess the kids are all left with a light and their own camera. I'm assuming this is what's happening. (Basically B/M is doing a Road Rules version of the other MTV show Fear -- which is actually pretty good -- which is itself simply a massively blatant rip-off of The Blair Witch Project. Wheels within wheels, folks.) Kathryn says to the camera, "It's scary out here." James says that it is harder than he'd thought. We see someone running. Whistle noise in the background as Msaada says, "I don't know what time it is, but someone just blew their whistle." Okay, this could be...not terrible. Oh, I know I'm setting myself up for a fall, here. Forget it. It's going to suck.
So behind the credits, Theo does some prop comedy. Someone asks him whether he's in charge of the fire extinguisher, since he's not going up. Indeed, Theo sits in front of a fire extinguisher hanging on the wall. He says that he may be, but he's not sure. He doesn't like the idea of just standing around holding something that looks like a "red weenie." So now Theo is outside by the plane with the extinguisher. Msaada is laughing. Whoever is "interviewing" him asks if he's the best person for the job. Theo voice-overs that he is the best person: "Just because, like, if I saw a fire somewhere, I'd put it out. It's not, like, you know, if you see something else you have to put it out. It's not like if you see some sort of animal running by you try to put the animal out. Or that if you see someone that you don't like, you try to put them out. It's like one thing, that's it. Fire extinguishing." Blah blah blah Carrot-Top cakes. Now I have to extinguish my television because, after the two seconds of Ricky Martin's Making The Video that just played, my TV is absolutely flaming.