Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Highway To The Stupid Zone
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 15 | Aired on 09.24.2000
So the kids dress up in red jumpsuits. Damn, man. Who's costuming this season? Ugly Jumpsuits 'R Us? The kids are gathered around a conference table where flight instructor Anthony explains that this will be a complicated day, and they should pay attention and learn as much as possible. James floats again about how competitive he is, adding, "And if I win a trophy, cool." I think he must be talking about another project he's working on, because there ain't no trophy. Class progresses, and as James answers a question, Theo guiltily opens his notepad, all, "Y'all, I didn't know there was gonna be writin' involved. I ain't so good with the book learnin'." Teaching montage. Fucking fascinating, yo. Anthony hands out tests called, as the Graphic of Stupid tells us, "Principles of Flight." Theo writes, "First principle of flight: don't try to read that in-flight magazine. That stuff is way hard. Be prepared -- bring coloring books instead." Split-screen test-taking montage. I fall off my chair, The Nods in full effect. Now Anthony teaches about the ejector seat: "Most importantly, if your buddy has to eject because you left your wingman and went too far below the hard deck and ended up in a flat spin, cradle his head when you're in the water and then cry in your tighty-whities when you get back to the base. Everyone will forgive you. Except for that Kilmer, but he's a bastard anyway." So Anthony hands out another test called "Ejector Seat." Theo cries.
Next is the flight simulator, which is basically a chair in front of a bank of fake controls with a map pinned onto it. Yo, I had a better flight simulator on my GameBoy seven years ago than this accredited jet-fighter school has. Msaada is first, and she has to shake out she's so nervous. She floats that she's nervous because she's so close to fulfilling one of her "dreams in life." Holly is next, and James and Laterrian stand quietly behind her in the little room waiting for their turns. There is a glimmer in Holly's eye. Is it...can it be...the Holly we used to know and hate, circa the Winter Games mission? "I just want you guys to leave," she snaps. Yes! Welcome back Holly! Goodbye, sweet li'l Holly-ho-ho. Well, not the ho part, but the sweet part. The boys innocently wonder why, and Holly continues telling them to leave. As they sheepishly walk out, she smiles that annoying, bitchy smile we haven't seen in forever and says, "Nothing personal, I just don't like a bunch of people watching me." (Oh, bullshit. Holly loves having people watch her.) She continues to talk about being made to go first and then having people watch her and, "well screw that," long after the boys have left. Speaking to the ether. Holly then tells the camera proudly that she's "retained everything perfectly" from the classes, but that she's never played video games in her life so she thinks she's going to lose based on the simulator. Excuses. Bitching. Complaining. Passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing behavior. Insensitivity. Rudeness. Yup, Holly's back, alright. James is next on...in...sitting next to...the "simulator." He does well, says PudgyInstructor. James tells the camera that he did well, and that he does want to fly the jet, but mostly he doesn't want to lose to Holly, Laterrian, or Msaada. Ha. He knows Kathryn and Theo aren't going to make it? That's cold, yo. So the kids sit around in their jumpsuits and wait for the scores. Theo yodels that "three of [them] are about to fly and three of [them] are about to take a nap." Hick-boy then talks to the camera, sitting inside what looks to be a garbage can, about how they are waiting for the scores etc. etc. Kathryn then says that she hopes no one will have animosity. She says this because, during the simulator, she blew PudgyInstructor in order to guarantee herself a spot. (Yes, I'm kidding. Not ruling it out, but kidding.) Regarding Kathryn's talk of "animosity," Holly says, "I will...I'm warning you right now, this is the one mission that I, like, really, really care about. The one mission." She goes on to say that she'll just be mad in general, not at anyone, but Msaada is already just cracking up. I Mlove Msaada. James then floats, over a double-shot of Holly giving her water bottle a handjob, that Holly is always very open about how she feels, and that she will tell "you" right "in your face" if she's unhappy or mad. James goes on to suggest that Holly should instead do what he does: drink your feelings away or bottle up the anger until it erupts in violence towards wall-furnishings or blathering red-faced tirades against women.
So RandomInstructor comes out to tell the kids that the results are in, and that they changed right at the end. He says he can tell that some people paid a lot of attention in school while some played a lot of "Pac Man." He uses that example not because he's un-hip, but because that's the latest video game South Africa has received. He mentions Theo during this last reference. Theo makes a joke, telling the boys that the guy just called him "Pac Man, dude," and that he thinks the guy is trying to "initiate [him] as some sort of flying instrument today." I know. It's hard to follow when you watch it, too. He's suggesting that RandomInstructor is gay and has the hots for Theo. How childish, making fun of someone by suggesting they might be homosexual! Can you imagine? Graphic of Stupid reads, "The Results Are In," and the kids all head into the teaching room. Anthony lies, telling everyone that they did very well, and that he'd feel comfortable letting anyone go up in the plane based on their performance. But they have to pick three, so third place is James. Laterrian fucking cracks me up by going floaty and saying, "James can't even drive the RV, don't give the boy a jet. I mean, if anything, don't even give the brother a bicycle." Hee. Theo comes in second place and Kathryn is first. She's surprised. Holly claps once and leaves the room. Msaada floats, teary, that she's disappointed but understands since she wasn't able to fly the simulator well. Holly is outside. James is on a green payphone. He calls his dad. Holly walks out onto the tarmac where the planes are kept. Back to James, telling his dad that he gets to fly a fighter jet. Back to Holly, walking towards the planes. Ooh, she's flipped out and she's going to hotwire one and take off! Oh, no. She just stares, Music of Disappointed Non-Flyers playing, the wind whipping her short hair. Feh. And...commercial. At minute eight. Not good, people. Not good. As I fast-forward through the commercial, my cat's lawyer hands me papers suing me for "neglect" and "emotional distress due to defendant's constant crying each week as Monday approaches." I show him thirty seconds of Road Rules. He tears up the papers and draws me a bath.