Previously on Road Rules: Msaada driving the short bus, while Music of Discord plays. Msaada yells, "Shut up. I don't want to hear anybody's mouth." Quick shots we've never seen before of The Blondes looking sad. A black-and-white James yells at Holly and threatens to bite the head off his water bottle. (And what a vicious threat that is.) Laterrian sad. Theo sad. James listening to music. Msaada floats in front of the moon, "The spirit of the team is kind of at a low right now, and it doesn't look very good."
And in true Lenny and Squiggy fashion, right after "it doesn't look very good," we get, "I'm the Road Master!" "Hello," indeed. A year ago my old VCR broke in a very strange way -- it started playing everything backwards. So for a lark I pulled it out of the closet (reaching past James and Theo) and played the Road Rules intro on the machine. And though it's usually hard to transcribe backwards speeches, I was stunned to find it all very clear and easy to make out: "To anyone who views this show, I, the Road Master (my real name is Jacob Schlotnick and I can be hired via the Mary Rose Agency in Los Angeles), have a message from Bunim/Murray: 'We are very sorry you're watching our show. It started out as a good idea but quickly turned bad; however, MTV is very desperate for programming and keeps renewing it. Shit, we haven't even watched the show since season three. During the Semester at Sea, our company worked out a deal with the Tennessee state penal system in order to get cheap post work done and teach prisoners a trade. Thus, the show you are watching now has been edited solely by inmates on cellblock F of Sheldrake County Prison. We assure you that no murderers or child molesters have access to the editing equipment. Again, we're really sorry, but then again, what is it about you that makes you continue to watch this flaming bag of poo each week? Ask yourself that before you start casting stones. In closing, sorry, but dude: Turn the channel or something. Peace. Bunim and Murray.'"
Theo sits on the ground of some South African hotel room, surrounded by the rest of the cast. Recently, the kids have actually been given an official African name by some of the locals: Mjaaybobbatunday. It means, "They who won't fucking go home already." Theo says, staring at the laptop, "Lights. Camera. Clue." Well, I can believe Theo might have two of the three. Road Master, whose shtick now elicits barely even a smile from the once giddy kids, hams, "It is I, Road Master. Who would have ever thought that in the middle of South Africa you'd come face-to-face with bad karma?" Well, they didn't think they'd come face-to-face with bad acting, either. The Bloated One says something about grabbing their blow darts, and continues, "The enemy is near. And they vow revenge." Just then, agents from the Center For Quality Television enter the hotel room and drag the six out kicking and screaming. Theo reads from email, " The Real World has returned to claim their beloved Shorty."
Msaada voice-over-reads some copy so stiffly that you can tell she resents being the voice of B/M this season almost as much as I do; her reading is as wooden as Vu telling Kathryn what a fucking visionary she was with the bone-throwing last week. So Msaada tells the story of how, "in keeping with tradition," they "pranked" the Real World house down in New Orleans and stole their little pet Sony dog, Shorty. We see James and Laterrian breaking into the house and stealing the dog. Man, that seems so long ago. Almost like a different era. The show was bad then but not this bad. We had Heel Cancer Boy and Picabo and Holly yelling at the cameramen. And I was so much younger. So young and full of life. I wonder what could have killed my spirit so...something that comes regularly, say, once a week, on like a Monday night or something. Msaada goes on to say that it's time for the two casts to go head-to-head. "Be there at 4 PM tomorrow," Theo finishes reading. Beat. Beat. "Awwwwwwwwww," moans James. I have no idea why James is so upset. Maybe he and Theo had an intimate walk in the bush planned for tomorrow. Poor James. It's so hard to compete with a romantic swim at the base of a waterfall. James is just one boy, people.
Same shot of the sun rising over the horizon that we've seen in eight episodes now. Good call showing daybreak when we've just been told the mission is at 4 PM. The kids walk through the hotel garage to the short bus. "Who did that?" shouts Holly. Ha. We see that whoever parked the vehicle scraped the left side against a pillar. Laterrian cops to it. So everyone starts talking at the same time, and I realize something truly amazing has happened: B/M has created an episode even less well structured than the thirteen. That is a feat of which to be...not proud, but maybe awed and frightened. Laterrian tells Holly that she can drive if she's going to be a smart-ass. More general bickering. So James floats over what looks like a shot of the Real World's fake digital fireplace, "Well, the group's kinda, you know, at ends clashing [sic] each other -- we're all at each other's throats. You know, I think if we throw a face-off in here right now it's just gonna...it's gonna blow this team apart." (Insert your own "blow" joke here.) Shot of another hotel. James talks on the white courtesy phone. "You guys missing a dog?" The elevator doors open on the Real World New Orleans cast; they see the Road Rules cast waiting in the lobby. I'm surprised they don't just hit the "Close Doors" button and go back to bed the minute they see our kids' stupid faces. Graphic of Stupid reads, "Real World/Road Rules Face/Off." The Real World kids approach tentatively, wishing to God they could be back in New Orleans getting drunk, talking shit about David's singing, and trying to fuck each other. "You guys wouldn't happen to be missing some kind of animal," says Theo, cruelly holding up the broken Sony Aibo by a rope around its poor broken-ass neck. Mormon Julie, with the teeth, smile-screams because she hasn't seen a good lynching in months and, with trouble, grabs the dog away from Theo. Backwards, meet Backwards. The rest stand around smiling, each secretly wishing they could somehow ditch the two.
Christ. Now we are "treated," MTV.com kids- and Greek Peach kids-style, to one-by-one video introductions. Under these we see the kids all standing around shaking hands, trading B/M war stories. The super cut and retarded David. Hot but insane Kelley. Annoying and loud Melissa. FrankenJamie. Charming constant-sweater-wearing gay slut Danny. Hip-hop albino Matt. And the person who makes you crazy angry over the fact that you find yourself actually liking her, Julie the Mormon. Back to the lobby as our three boys are crowded around the stunning Kelley, drooling and explaining how they broke into the mansion. What she should ask is how the B/M cameraman broke in first, to be able to get that shot of them breaking in, but I said she was hot, not smart. Someone voice-overs another B/M-scripted blurb about RR and RW being long-time rivals and the competition being fierce, but they just throw it in and only put the volume at a three over the din of the introductions. I guess B/M realized that their efforts at building tension were as pointless as Julie trying to get back into BYU after her semester in New Orleans.
So as the kids all stand around ruining every other hotel guest's vacation with their sheer annoying-ness, Ladysmith Black Mambazo once again plays, and an African guy wearing "traditional" clothes walks in slo-mo through the front door. (I wonder whether Ladysmith Black Mambazo plays and things go into slo-mo everywhere he goes. It must get tiresome for him.) The kids take notice. David says, "Hey," thinking, "Man, this guy is even more love than me!" The African shouts and starts sweeping the air in front of him with a long horsehair brush -- obviously trying to rid his breathing air of privileged-American-kid stink. Msaada floats, over a nonsensical shot of a dung beetle rolling a ball of doo-doo along the ground, "Wow. What is going on? There's this big African in front of us with a cheetah skin. Wow." We get a shot of the kids staring at the guy, in the middle of which is a headset-wearing cameraman. He looks into the shooting camera and quickly ducks out of frame. Hee. Subtitles of Stupid transcribe what the African says, assuming that while we can deal with one hundred "dude"s and "like"s per sentence, we can't be bothered to try and understand accented English. He says, "Welcome to Africa." Um, this is like the nineteenth episode here. But thanks anyway for the welcome. "My name is Akinjoleadegbenirojolies." Whoa. "You can call me Ade." I was just about to shorten that to Ade myself. The kids all look serious and lean forward reverentially at least to attempt to catch the African's long name. MormonJulie just fucking cracks up. Not everyone can be called Donny or Marie, honey. Ade sweeps the air with each word, saying, "So now I would like to take you to my village, where we are going to have some games and competition. So now get your things and get ready. We are moving now." Theo is the biggest dumbshit in the world. He actually says, "That guy's got fleas. Twenty bucks that guy's got fleas." Even Matt, possibly the whitest boy ever born, just walks away. This is how Theo bonds -- with inappropriate and vaguely racist statements. I hope Theo gets mauled by a puma.
The Graphic of Stupid reads, "Scoping out the competition," as Theo sits on top the short bus -- probably as punishment for his stupidity. (The B/M cameraman who got caught in the shot is on the Seat of Shame, but we don't get to see that.) The kids get into two short busses with Ade driving the Real World kids. David talks to his enemies -- I mean, housemates -- about how the Road Rules kids have been "training," which makes the RW's seven-to-six number advantage moot. Julie says that they have the mental advantage. "How the hell we got the mental thang?" David asks. "Because...we do," replies Julie, floundering. David and FrankenJamie promptly mimic her. It's pretty funny that David assumes our kids have been "training." I don't know how many Olympic athletes would suggest the following as a particularly effective way to get in shape: walking across a beam; handing out serio-comic questionnaires; bobsledding; babysitting; breaking and entering; flying a short plane; runnin' from the law; puking off a boat; monster truck driving; synchronized swimming against a group of whores; sitting in a shark cage, and bungee-jumping with Mommy. Yup, the kids are finely honed machines after that brutal regimen. Quick shot of the other short bus, where Msaada says that the Real World kids are "pretty cool." Back to RW, where someone says something about a hangover. RR: Apropos of who knows what, Theo tells Msaada that she's the "sense of humor cop." James tells someone, "Yeah, dude. And you're the lighthouse that identifies all the evil, dude." And James, you're like the dipshit frat guy that, like, mixes all your metaphors, dude. Oh man, and judging from the clothing, I think that this is the trip during which much of the fighting from the first Africa episode was culled. Seriously, Angela fucking Lansbury couldn't piece together the constant puzzle that is the Road Rules chronology and continuity conundrum. Bad Editing, She Wrote. RW: David says that while the other kids have been Great White Shark diving, they've just come off "[beep]-watching and booze." Well, David must have gotten at least as good a workout when he sang the national anthem for the three hundred hockey fans, with all his twitching and hand gesturing, as the Road Rules kids have gotten from any mission. So after the RW kids talk about how they always come together when they really need to -- (Yeah, like when they produce that train wreck of a public-access show each week. Having, like, the best public-access show on the dial would be sad enough. But it's truly pathetic when fellow public-access shows like, Gay Bill and His Tarot Cards, Me and My Hung-Over Friends Make Football Predictions, and Four Hours of Silent Footage From Last Sunday's Farmer's Market kick your ass in the ratings.) -- the Road Rules kids start fighting. Laterrian says something about coming together and thinking positively, and Holly tells him that speeches are not going to help. L.T. then says something that gets totally beeped-out, but Holly hates beeps so she flips him off. Whatever L.T. says makes Msaada cringe and Holly, who is now driving even though Kathryn was a second ago, whips around and says, "That was not [beep] coming at me with a joke, Laterrian [white girl head shimmy]. You already know how much that pisses me off, so don't [beep] do it. Msaada then once again sets up the painfully obvious: No one on their team is getting along. Got it.
The two short busses arrive at a big dry field where Ade says, "Everybody get your things and let's come together. In this place of tribal war we don't give money or a medal. But our presentation to you is a goat." Theo mockingly asks, "So if I win, I get a goat?" Ade nods and Theo thinks back to puberty; farm animals will always hold a special place in his heart. ExpositionMsaada says that whoever has the most goats wins the competition. So basically, B/M is doing its damnedest to insult Ade and his people by putting in this bullshit goat thing which means just as little as the coins. B/M is trying solely to be cute. I wish Ade would flog Bunim with his traditional horsehair brush and then run over Murray with the traditional short bus. Ade tells the kids that they have to dress in "Africa Mode." That they have to look like real warriors. Ade then directs the two teams to their separate huts, where they can further insult his culture. Theo drops trou in the hut, and we get a pixellated shot of his ass. In the other hut, Melissa tells everyone to dress her, that she doesn't care about being naked. No?! Graphic of Stupid reads, "Tribal Warfare," as typical shitty B/M music comes on, trying to highlight the...something of this scene. Tension. Competition. Suckness...something. Shots of traditional beads and loincloths and make-up laid out for the kids. They dress each other in a type of homoerotic display not seen since...I was going to say Young Americans, but I guess last week on this very show would be more accurate. Theo tries to make us interested in the competition. Doesn't work. Melissa tells the camera about the competition -- since we forgot in the last two seconds -- and goes on to say that she'll "eat the damn goat" she's so hungry. Theo has other plans for it first, Melissa.
So the first event is "Warrior Dance." Msaada, of course, explains that the boys have to act like aggressive animals while the girls simply have to shake their butts and titties. Sounds like college. The RW boys oil themselves up and discuss what animal to be. FrankenJamie wants to be an elephant. FrankenJamie is a monster. Then our boys bitch. Laterrian, who has these huge pointy Farrah Fawcett nipples, is going to be a lion. James turns seven (from his usual eight) and complains about having to dance. "Dance against each other? Like 'Ooga-Booga'?" Oooh, someone's looking for a big tribal beat-down. James then takes his complaints to the camera. "Please, just give me something...I wanna throw some spears. I wanna, like, run down some lions, hurt some sheep." Hurt some sheep? Oh Lord, James is scary. I would love to see B/M let him try to run down some lions, though. Oh, that would be one hell of a season finale. More complaining to the girls. Theo says that it does have the "sense of bullshit around it." He just described the whole Road Rules milieu. More RW peaceful discussions about which animals the boys should be. FrankenJamie says that he's a good "stomper." Mmmmmrrrmmm. Me stomp good. Jamie, Friend. Back to James, who keeps complaining about it being "two fools in a ring." Msaada, Lord knows why, tries to reason with James, explaining that he just has to be the more convincing, aggressive gorilla. Too bad Drunken Asshole isn't an animal, because James would be a lock. Theo complains...then promptly voice-overs, "Once again, here we go, bitching and moaning. Cat scratch fever. I don't know how we're going to pull a first place off, in this face-off." Does Theo write these things down or is he just like the impromptu poet savant of Louisiana? Like the redneck Dr. Seuss. I would like to fuck a goat. I would fuck it in a boat.
Ade gathers up the kids and asks, "Are we ready?" twice, each time eliciting about the level of enthusiasm from the kids that Siegfried and Roy would get performing at an Auto Show. So drums play and Msaada and Melissa start "dancing" against each other. B/M has already given Msaada her allotted twenty seconds of screen time this episode, so they cut away quickly, and Holly and Julie take over. Holly is much better at backin' that ass up, as I don't think dancing is even allowed in Utah. Reverend Shaw Moore outlawed it years ago after that fatal bridge accident. is Theo vs. Matt. Matt is scratching at the ground and head-butting Theo, while Theo, in a show of either defiance or good ol' fashioned stupidity (you be the judge) has chosen to be a penguin; he basically just stiffly rocks back and forth. Penguins are all over the place in Africa. Good choice, Cooter. Even Ade is like, "Alright, what the fuck?" You know, I didn't think it was possible to be whiter than Matt, but Theo makes Matt look like Bootsy Collins. So James and David lay down fresh lines of testosterone and starting jumping all over the place. "The freaks!" says the hideous B/M music, and for once it's right. David is shimmying like he's being electrocuted while James does a crazy jump move that B/M has to put in slo-mo it's just so wack. James gets a little carried away with the gorilla thing and starts throwing dirt and straw in his own face. I keep waiting for him to start throwing feces at David, but James obviously doesn't watch the Discovery Channel that much, or else he'd know the Wild Straw-In-Own-Face-Throwing Gorilla of Zaire went extinct years ago. David finally jumps on James' head and instead of getting angry, James beams and hugs David. I guess we don't get to see everyone dance because Ade presents the goat, saying, "The winner of this competition goes to the Real World people." Not to nit-pick, but by saying "goes to..." he's technically saying that the Road Rules won and now the Real World gets to, like, cook and eat them. Naturally, our kids immediately start bitching. James says something and Msaada brings up "monster trucks." Matt tells the kids that they already got to cut a goat's neck, and James fondly thinks back to that very happy moment in his life. Ahhh. Watching an animal suffer and die. That did rule. Theo comes up with a line so "good" he has to say it four times to make sure everyone hears. "They need to check their diaper, in this village, dude, cuz that was full of [beep]." Holly goes Scaryteeth sensitive-floaty, Red Cheek Star of Death slowly creeping up her face towards her brain, and says, "I really hope we can realize that we're all on the same team." Well...knowing you're on the same team and that team not sucking hideously are two different things. I think the Cubs' outfielders know that they're all on the Cubs, they just can't catch, hit, run, or throw. Ah, if life were really as simple as it is in Holly's world.
It's night now and the Graphic of Stupid reads, "Tribal Unity." The kids paint the Road Rules symbol on each other's faces in a split-screen montage, in order to show that they're a tribe. Sure. Fine. All of Africa weeps, but fine. Mock tribal face painting a little more. Maybe they can all stick bones in their hair and cook Theo up in a big pot tomorrow. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Oh. Ha. So once they get their faces painted, Ade announces, "You must try to go to bed now because you have a lot of games tomorrow." So was the face painting judged? Why did they...fuck it. I don't care. I'll just add it to my currently seventy-nine pages list of questions to ask B/M as soon as I get them bound and gagged, with a television constantly scrolling the Survivor ratings around the clock. And for every tearful "I don't know!" they get a tattoo of the Big Brother logo on their butts. So we're in the huts going to sleep in full body and face make-up, (has B/M worked out a cooperative cross-over deal with the Clearasil people?), and Melissa says, "This is the first time in my life my vagina's cleaner than the rest of my body." Oh. Ow. That's so nasty on so many levels. Melissa goes on to say what is on everyone's mind, "I wanna know who the [beep] made this up!" She goes off on one of her patented little improv rants. Everyone laughs. Except me. Road Rules hut. Laterrian writes more poetry in the background as Theo says to James, his face the fucking RR symbol, "Dude, tomorrow, yo, we get to [something] those kids' bottoms. Their real bottoms." Theo babbles on about "ass cheeks" and "fourteen ass cheeks going down" and James just stares at him. James finally deadpans, "'kay." Hee.
Stock footage of a sunrise. Giraffe. Zebra. Gazelle. Short bus. All the creatures of the African wild, in harmony. Theo tries to talk to Ade, saying, "You're so silent all the time. Just this quiet presence." Ade stares at Theo. Beat. He smiles sweetly. "Thank you." Hee. Shot of a pot of worms being cooked. Mmmmm. The kids all stare into the pot as the African woman cooking just stares off into the distance, humiliated that her life has come to being on this show. Yup. Graphic of Stupid says that this second event is "Eating Worms." Ade drums and then tells the kids that the event is called "The Mopanie Worm Eating Competition." B/M is so scraping the bottom of the barrel on these missions. I half expect the mission to be that Happy Days flipping-a-stack-of-pennies-from-your-elbow-to-your-hand thing Chachi was so good at. Jamie and Melissa have a conversation that literally has no context -- we simply don't know what they're saying. The upshot is that Melissa doesn't want to eat worms. She huffs, "Fuck." And...blackout. I'm going to cry. I'm going to weep and howl and throw myself against the rocks like Emily Watson wishing Jan would come home safe from his job on the oil rig: This is the first commercial break. What is this, fucking Mobil Star Theater? What is MTV trying to do to me? What did I do? I lead a good life. I'm kind to animals and old folks. I use my turn signal. I don't litter. Seriously. What have I done? You tell me. I had to have done something, because the opposite, the notion that the world is just cruel and random like this, is too horrifying an idea for me to deal with. During the break I'm going to go donate blood. Not only might it clear the B/M toxins from my system, but the good deed might bring on the commercial break sooner than twelve minutes from now.
Setting: Los Angeles, California. Offices of Bumin-Murray Productions. July. Time Magazine with Survivor on the cover open on a conference table.
B: We can't.
M: Why not?
B: It's too pathetic. Even for us.
M: We have to. No one remembers.
B: But still...
M: No one remembers! We were first. We were first!
B: I know, but...
M: Look, I know it's sad and cloying and transparent and...
B: Desperate...
M: But we have to. We. Have. To.
B: (sighing, staring at the magazine) Okay. Okay.
Shot of the worm pot. James pops up in a little box to it: "Long before Survivor, Road Rules has been putting things like worms in our mouths." On the list of B/M Low Points, The Real World London has finally been surpassed. Congratulations guys. L' Fucking Chaiim, people. We're so proud.
So the kids sit around talking about the worms. Theo tries to rally them all. James doesn't want to eat all of them, but he'll eat some. Laterrian doesn't want to eat any. Holly says something she's told many a man: "I'm telling you, my gag reflexes are really active." James floats that he's not going to lose this round. RW circle. Julie doesn't want to have to eat them all herself. Can't she just hide them all behind her teeth? No one is willing to eat any. Julie says, "It's fun." Everyone jumps down her Latter-Day throat. James picks up a worm from the RR bowl. Theo tries to be funny again, telling them, in a fake African accent, to think of it as "pieces of, like, your ancestors." Msaada looks like she wants to bitch-slap him back to the bayou. Oh, how I wish she would. Our kids start eating. The boys fare better as the girls all freak out. Kathryn almost has a stroke, but keeps eating. It's quite funny. A "Worms Eaten" meter reads: 33. Meanwhile, the Real World kids eat one, and that was Jamie, who needs nourishment after days of not having an electrical socket to plug himself into. Laterrian jumps up and pukes in the trees. Holly and Kathryn laugh. Julie laughs. I get an honest laugh as the Worm Meter goes back down to 28. Theo actually gives me another laugh by deadpanning, "I...I don't know if this is worth a goat." Wow. Two genuine laughs in a row. No, seriously, that has to be some kind of record. B/M...I...well...I still fucking hate you, but you did make me laugh. Huzzah! Melissa talks about bathroom issues after eating worms (they've still only eaten one in total) as James almost pukes, causing the blondes to jump away from him. Theo pats him on the back and talks soothingly, trying to keep James from throwing up -- something he's done before, I'm sure.
So Ade announces that Road Rules wins, and everyone cheers while the meter tells us that the final tally was thirty-five to one. I may be no Pierre de Fermat, but does that seem to indicate a flaw in the Road Rules' strategy? I mean, couldn't they have eaten, like, well...two worms, and still won? They must never have watched The Price is Right as kids. So James goes off and semi-pukes while Msaada voice-overs that James pulled the team through. James then voice-overs, while the kids corral their goat, that Road Rules kicks ass when they come together. His tender speech makes me misty. Each team now has one goat...just like Theo's hometown. David babbles about hating to lose; he hopes wrestling is . Julie and Laterrian have a very flirtatious bonding moment. "My peeps are so pissed off and grumpy," says Julie. Dude, I think Julie can technically be kicked out of the Mormon religion just for saying "peeps," let alone flirting with a black man. Laterrian shoves his bitch nips in her face and talks about looking at the mountains and feeling spiritual. Julie licks his chest and talks about not getting to know her fellow housemates deeply. Laterrian slides his fingers into her Book of Mormon as he talks about coming in to this thinking he was a big man, and now feeling the opposite. Julie goes finger-cuffs with both Laterrian and "T" as she says, "This is just an awesome opportunity for growth." Hear that noise? That's the entire population of Salt Lake City nailing Julie's BYU dorm room shut and deleting her name from the school registry.
So "Zulu Spears" is the last event (hey, I think I saw them play at Reggae on the River last year) and the B/M transcriber gives up and writes Ade's speech as, "Now we have the last warrior bout too." Huh? I'm "bout too" turn this shit off. Shot of Holly clasping her tits. Ade continues, "So what we are going to do now, I want you to go have a meeting. Choose out the four strong people: two lady, two men from your team." Theo suggests Holly, Msaada, James, and Laterrian. I love Theo's little 'fraidy cat undercurrent. Since he's too wimpy to try it, Theo is tapped to voice-over some exposition. Basically, as we see Ade and James demonstrating (the B/M cameraman once again totally getting in the shot), you each hold onto a stick and try to push the other out of a little circle. Just like in The Karate Kid, but without the leg-sweeping or putting-him-in-a-body bag. James and FrankenJamie are up and someone even says, "The frat boys going first." They push and push and go slo-mo and push, and Jamie, using his evil monster strength, beats James. U.C. Berkeley immediately calls the village, kicking James off the rugby team. Matt is wearing a sweater still, while everyone else wears tribal gear. I don't understand. So Holly and Kelley get in the circle and I hit pause, pretending I'm the Zulu Spear for a while. It's a happy thought. It takes Holly three seconds to win. Someone cackles hysterically. Msaada and Julie are , and it takes about ten seconds for Msaada to win, despite being only three feet tall. So they hug and one of the girls confuses the crap out of me by saying, "You beat me twice." Oh man, B/M isn't showing us everything. But I can't worry about that. I just can't. I just have to take what B/M shows me, and accept it. I have to trust that things will be confusing, and continuity will be broken like Holly's hymen at the junior high prom; I just have to be okay with that.
David and Laterrian enter the ring, and just as I finally do accept, Msaada voice-overs, "This is the final match. Winner takes all." How? How!? It's tied up one goat to one? Ah, fuck it. Fuck it! I have to live my life. Laterrian floats that David may be more muscular, but he thinks he's strong and is going to "straight-up beat [David]." David sets himself up for a big-time fall by intoning, "Losing is not something that is really done that often with me. I always want to be number one." Julie whispers to Melissa, "This is going to make or break David's attitude." Subtext: "I want me a big chunk o' Laterrian. True, my virgin ass wouldn't know what to do with it if I got it, but I still want it." David and Laterrian start the round, and...commercial. Oh man, I wonder who's going win. Boy, the suspense is -- hey, it's Bob Villa! He's funny.
So James and Laterrian struggle, go into slo-mo, slo-mo, music, shot of their feet...Laterrian wins. The Graphic of Stupid says, "Three Goats to One Goat." Yeah, I don't get it either. Our kids each earn twenty bucks from B/M by yelling "Road Rules" half-heartedly. Melissa cracks funny by saying, "Okay. The losers get to go back to civilization." Ooh, David is going to be impossible now, huh? (Kim, I feel sorry for you.) Ade lies by saying, "You are all warriors. You are all strong and brave." Our kids get a trophy to go along with their goats. The goat tally suddenly reads "Four Goats to Two Goats." I guess it's New Math. Whatever. Man, the marketing campaign for Crystal Pepsi was better thought out than this mission. Theo looks at the camera and says, "How Real is your World now, sucka?" Hee. The kids all head down to defile a sacred lake with their stink. Laterrian and Julie walk together. Trouble with a capital "T." Melissa and Kelley get naked. Ade looks on in horror. He really does. Water frolicking. Washing off the paint. Julie staring at FrankenJamie and TittyMelissa. Laughing. Bad music. Jamie washes paint off TittyKelley's face. Some evil monsters have all the luck. He makes a boner joke. The kids are dressed now. Theo tells Melissa to take care of the Sony dog. Group photo. Hugs and good-byes. Msaada voice-overs that meeting the Real World cast has given them an opportunity to come together. A guitar/trumpet duet plays. More hugs. Real World short bus drives off. Theo says that they came into the competition at each other's throats but are coming away "at evens." I don't know either. Night. Fire. Theo wearing a shirt that reads "Players Know Best." Kathryn tells Theo that the point of meeting The Real World was to remind them of what they were once like as a team. Blah blah blah Bunim-Murray-synergy cakes. Kathryn says she loved hugging people, and Theo agrees that they need more hugs. Just then Laterrian emerges from the shadows and wordlessly hugs Theo and Kathryn. Aside from the obvious fact that that was scripted, it's a pretty nice moment. Too bad the four hundred ones were so lame.
Four purple shots of the Road Master swirl around one static blue shot of our favorite swollen over-actor. The kids stand on a runway as an unseen Mayor tells them that just one of them will have "the trip of a lifetime" in a jet plane. It looks like James is sitting in the cockpit as the plane does a 360. The kids, in hideous red jumpsuits, sit in a waiting room. Holly, sounding more like the Holly we all know and dislike, says, "I'm warning you right now, this is the one mission that I really, really care about. The one mission." James floats that Holly really wants to go, but "fair play is fair play. Only the best will survive." A final shot of Holly looking on sadly as someone goes up in the plane. Um...I'm no genius but didn't we just see James up in the plane doing the trick? B/M can't be that stupid. Wait, did I just say B/M can't be that stupid? Yeah. Forget what I said. I don't know what I was thinking.
In the Real World short bus, Melissa says how she thinks Laterrian is hot and that someone told her, "Well, he has bitch nipples." Hee. Someone agrees! He totally does. Everyone laughs. She mentions that her sister has four nipples, so Laterrian would fit right in with her nipple-impaired clan. I think more is wrong with her family than just their nipples. This person also said that Laterrian is a dork (that, I agree with) but Melissa loves them nerdy. Shot of Ade driving. Poor guy. B/M makes him lead the mission and fucking chauffeur them around. I guess he gets an extra goat for doing double duty. Melissa goes on to say that Laterrian apparently gets drunk off one beer, so "[she's] buying that man a beer tonight."
So Destiny's Child is Making the Video for their soundtrack song for the big Charlie's Angels movie. We open with the girls saying hello to us, and then get a shot of them in front of a "green screen" hitting the famous pose. One of the girls -- wait, I can stop recapping now? Oh, right, Road Rules is over! I guess around the second break there, I somehow just figured I was never going to get to stop. Okay, cool. Bye.