Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Cry, The Beloved Country: They Haven't Left Yet!
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 14 | Aired on 09.17.2000
So the first event is "Warrior Dance." Msaada, of course, explains that the boys have to act like aggressive animals while the girls simply have to shake their butts and titties. Sounds like college. The RW boys oil themselves up and discuss what animal to be. FrankenJamie wants to be an elephant. FrankenJamie is a monster. Then our boys bitch. Laterrian, who has these huge pointy Farrah Fawcett nipples, is going to be a lion. James turns seven (from his usual eight) and complains about having to dance. "Dance against each other? Like 'Ooga-Booga'?" Oooh, someone's looking for a big tribal beat-down. James then takes his complaints to the camera. "Please, just give me something...I wanna throw some spears. I wanna, like, run down some lions, hurt some sheep." Hurt some sheep? Oh Lord, James is scary. I would love to see B/M let him try to run down some lions, though. Oh, that would be one hell of a season finale. More complaining to the girls. Theo says that it does have the "sense of bullshit around it." He just described the whole Road Rules milieu. More RW peaceful discussions about which animals the boys should be. FrankenJamie says that he's a good "stomper." Mmmmmrrrmmm. Me stomp good. Jamie, Friend. Back to James, who keeps complaining about it being "two fools in a ring." Msaada, Lord knows why, tries to reason with James, explaining that he just has to be the more convincing, aggressive gorilla. Too bad Drunken Asshole isn't an animal, because James would be a lock. Theo complains...then promptly voice-overs, "Once again, here we go, bitching and moaning. Cat scratch fever. I don't know how we're going to pull a first place off, in this face-off." Does Theo write these things down or is he just like the impromptu poet savant of Louisiana? Like the redneck Dr. Seuss. I would like to fuck a goat. I would fuck it in a boat.
Ade gathers up the kids and asks, "Are we ready?" twice, each time eliciting about the level of enthusiasm from the kids that Siegfried and Roy would get performing at an Auto Show. So drums play and Msaada and Melissa start "dancing" against each other. B/M has already given Msaada her allotted twenty seconds of screen time this episode, so they cut away quickly, and Holly and Julie take over. Holly is much better at backin' that ass up, as I don't think dancing is even allowed in Utah. Reverend Shaw Moore outlawed it years ago after that fatal bridge accident. Next is Theo vs. Matt. Matt is scratching at the ground and head-butting Theo, while Theo, in a show of either defiance or good ol' fashioned stupidity (you be the judge) has chosen to be a penguin; he basically just stiffly rocks back and forth. Penguins are all over the place in Africa. Good choice, Cooter. Even Ade is like, "Alright, what the fuck?" You know, I didn't think it was possible to be whiter than Matt, but Theo makes Matt look like Bootsy Collins. So James and David lay down fresh lines of testosterone and starting jumping all over the place. "The freaks!" says the hideous B/M music, and for once it's right. David is shimmying like he's being electrocuted while James does a crazy jump move that B/M has to put in slo-mo it's just so wack. James gets a little carried away with the gorilla thing and starts throwing dirt and straw in his own face. I keep waiting for him to start throwing feces at David, but James obviously doesn't watch the Discovery Channel that much, or else he'd know the Wild Straw-In-Own-Face-Throwing Gorilla of Zaire went extinct years ago. David finally jumps on James' head and instead of getting angry, James beams and hugs David. I guess we don't get to see everyone dance because Ade presents the goat, saying, "The winner of this competition goes to the Real World people." Not to nit-pick, but by saying "goes to..." he's technically saying that the Road Rules won and now the Real World gets to, like, cook and eat them. Naturally, our kids immediately start bitching. James says something and Msaada brings up "monster trucks." Matt tells the kids that they already got to cut a goat's neck, and James fondly thinks back to that very happy moment in his life. Ahhh. Watching an animal suffer and die. That did rule. Theo comes up with a line so "good" he has to say it four times to make sure everyone hears. "They need to check their diaper, in this village, dude, cuz that was full of [beep]." Holly goes Scaryteeth sensitive-floaty, Red Cheek Star of Death slowly creeping up her face towards her brain, and says, "I really hope we can realize that we're all on the same team." Well...knowing you're on the same team and that team not sucking hideously are two different things. I think the Cubs' outfielders know that they're all on the Cubs, they just can't catch, hit, run, or throw. Ah, if life were really as simple as it is in Holly's world.
It's night now and the Graphic of Stupid reads, "Tribal Unity." The kids paint the Road Rules symbol on each other's faces in a split-screen montage, in order to show that they're a tribe. Sure. Fine. All of Africa weeps, but fine. Mock tribal face painting a little more. Maybe they can all stick bones in their hair and cook Theo up in a big pot tomorrow. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Oh. Ha. So once they get their faces painted, Ade announces, "You must try to go to bed now because you have a lot of games tomorrow." So was the face painting judged? Why did they...fuck it. I don't care. I'll just add it to my currently seventy-nine pages list of questions to ask B/M as soon as I get them bound and gagged, with a television constantly scrolling the Survivor ratings around the clock. And for every tearful "I don't know!" they get a tattoo of the Big Brother logo on their butts. So we're in the huts going to sleep in full body and face make-up, (has B/M worked out a cooperative cross-over deal with the Clearasil people?), and Melissa says, "This is the first time in my life my vagina's cleaner than the rest of my body." Oh. Ow. That's so nasty on so many levels. Melissa goes on to say what is on everyone's mind, "I wanna know who the [beep] made this up!" She goes off on one of her patented little improv rants. Everyone laughs. Except me. Road Rules hut. Laterrian writes more poetry in the background as Theo says to James, his face the fucking RR symbol, "Dude, tomorrow, yo, we get to [something] those kids' bottoms. Their real bottoms." Theo babbles on about "ass cheeks" and "fourteen ass cheeks going down" and James just stares at him. James finally deadpans, "'kay." Hee.