The screen goes black. Spooky music starts. A graphic appears. "The Following Program Contains Scenes That Are Graphic In Nature. Viewer Discretion Is Advised." The fun and games are over, people. No more babysitting. No more penis pumps. No more bickering barbecues. The kids are still in Africa...and Africa is pissed.
The spooky warning is ruined by the shitty title sequence. The Shasta. Glam headshots. The Road Master lying that things are different. And this isn't even music. This is something that B & M's unloved and neglected kids made on their Casio that time their folks went on a weekend-long bender after Survivor's initial ratings came out. There are sonic gaps and missed beats and I find that it really fits in with the whole vibe of Road Rules: If you can do something cheaply and badly, why bother exerting yourself trying to make it good?
What the hell is going on? Dramatic, freeze-frame black-and-white image of a large African woman, shot from below, who is wearing a beaded thingy that covers her eyes -- sort of a cross between Nell Carter and Serena Williams...but spooky. Forbidding music. Slow fade-out. Short bus. Theo and Holly standing outside. Something's different about the film quality. Since "quality" is such a relative term in the B/M world, I'm not sure whether this episode suddenly is shot on film where we're used to video, or vice-versa, but the image quality is flatter and less contrast-y and somehow nicer to look at. Okay, not "nice" mind you, but again, in the evil B/M world, everything's relative. (Same as in Theo's love life...you know, "relative.") Holly says that they have to find "VuVu. Dr. Herb's Mooti shop." More black-and-white freeze-frames. Shot of a goat with its throat slit. Nasty. James with white stuff all over his face. Nasty. (No, not that white stuff. We're talkin' paint here, sickos.) James is very serious. Perhaps Theo dumped him. The sad exes, Theo and James, talk to a couple of local kids and ask them if they know where to find the Mooti-shop thing. Theo yodels, "He might be, like, some kind of witch doctor or something like that." Theo's face is all, "I know tobacco shops and bait shops, but I don't know no Mooti shop. Where's the Piggly-Wiggly, y'all? I need to pick me up a few Slim Jim's." This time a dramatic shot of a slaughtered cow. Kathryn, with same white stuff on her face -- and not from Laterrian -- staring in freeze-frame. James and Theo discovering from one of the locals where the shop is located. Shot of Holly. Kids walking. Special Edition Graphic of Stupid reads, "Mooti -- a potion that helps to communicate with the dead." Jim Beam does that if you drink enough. One night freshman year in college I spent two hours in Central Park with a bottle of Beam, talking to Jim Morrison. Split-screen of a boiling pot. Shot of local sitting in the streets and -- Whoa! Jesus. The B/M editors have actually gone clinically insane: They bring floaty Holly from a tiny dot to normal, full-screen size in one second, so she basically zooms onto your screen in a very disconcerting manner. Most everything Holly does is disconcerting, but having her disembodied head materialize out of thin air is pretty freaky. The fact that she still has the Red Cheek Star does nothing to calm me down after her shocking assault on my television screen. Holly babbles, "We're supposed to go to an herbal Mooti shop. Which Kathryn has been telling us all these horror stories about this stuff they make from ground-up people."
As the kids enter the shop to make a Mooti call, Charlton Heston runs across my screen screaming, "Mooti is made from people! It's people!" Charlton Heston is quickly replaced by a scrolling graphic informing us that Msaada, Theo, and Holly are going to be doing a live chat after the show tonight about this episode. I guess MTV is trying to make this their "Very Special" episode, like the "Bicycle Man" episode of Diff'rent Strokes (Dudley's such a little slut) or the "A, My Name Is Alex" Family Ties. Suddenly, the aforementioned large woman (I think her name is VuVu, but we'll just call her Vu for short) busts out of an alley, smiling, wearing white eye paint that makes her look like the Hamburglar or the Lone Ranger. In a very thick accent she says, "I've been waiting for you. Your ancestors already arrived in my dreams. They told me that you are coming so that you can become traditional doctors. We are going to throw bones, we are going to divine and throw bones. I'm going to train you." Shots of the kids looking stupefied, as opposed to their usual just-plain-stupid expressions. Theo can't even get his mom to visit him at college and alla sudden she's hanging out with Vu? That's cold, yo. Suddenly, James floats in four separate boxes -- two reverse images. (Dear B/M Editors: I hate you. Love, Stee.) Butchering the English language, James says, "Our mission is to become traditional healers and to go through the training that we have to go through." And this kid got into UC Berkeley? Bet you a dollar it was on rugby scholarship. Wait, do they even have rugby scholarships? Come to think of it: What the fuck is rugby? The thing the limeys play that's sort of like the old, offensively named "Smear the Queer"? Naw, no way they give scholarships for that shit. James' dad must, like, own Chevron or something. A double-screened reverse-shot floaty Holly trivializes Vu's entire sacred belief system in one fell swoop by telling us that throwing bones is like "fortune telling." Hand gesture. Smile. Smile. Scaryteeth. That's my girl. Holly already knows a lot about throwing bones. Vu says, "So we are going to the village," and James gets all excited because he's never been to the West Village before and he's heard that there are really friendly bars like The Monster and Stonewall, but he's quickly disappointed to learn that she means her village here in Africa, and not the one in New York. It's hard watching a dream die. But then again, my dream of a pleasant evening dies every Monday. B/M is killing me loudly with their show, killing me loudly. Meanwhile, my cat is staring at one of the forty flying ants that have chosen this blisteringly hot day to invade my living room. Ooh, maybe the ants will fly at me and drive me out of my house, making it just darn impossible for me to finish this recap. I look over, and they're all mysteriously gone. They must have seen what was on TV and just been like, "Oh, hell no. C'mon boys, we're going door. I heard they're watching Seinfeld."
Fast-motion traveling shots. Creepy music. Short bus. Overlaid shots of goat and cow heads. Traditional singing over drum-and-bass Casio shit. Vu sits in the short bus, singing as the kids look on, transfixed -- especially Msaada. Vu does indeed have a beautiful voice; I hope she charges the kids to listen to her sing. Or makes James and Theo close their ears. Uh, okay -- she starts explaining that the song she's singing is telling people to go tell their parents that they're with Vu and that she's training them to be traditional doctors. I don't know man, where I come from a "traditional doctor" is someone who asks you for your HMO card, grabs your balls, and looks annoyed when you ask questions. So now everyone is singing back-up as Vu starts riffing, and it's pretty and nice and a good time is being had by all in the short bus, except Laterrian has to ruin it by giving the stink-eye and pouting. Even the driving Holly is singing and having a good time and pretending to understand Vu's thick-as-Theo's-skull accent and indecipherable-as-Road Rules's-just-announced-renewal mutterings. So the very patient and good-natured Vu says something about "one person" not singing. We freeze-frame and Laterrian does indeed ruin everything by going floaty and saying, "I'm not going to really believe, like, in the whole voodoo, like, being a traditional doctor. I don't believe in connecting with my ancestors. It's just not something I'm going to take away from this." What does that mean? Laterrian refuses to visit his grandparents at Christmas? Msaada then asks about the role of a traditional doctor, and Vu explains that people come to the healer with problems. "Sometimes problems with boyfriends, husbands, cheating...." We have that in America too: It's called Cosmo. Incidentally, when Vu, prompted by Msaada, brings up cheating, Msaada touches Kathryn's shoulder pointedly. Hee. Vu talks about throwing bones and we see someone indeed dropping a bunch of bones from a little pouch. Kind of like Yahtzee! Kathryn then mentions that she's heard of people using stuff made from humans, and Vu says that she's talking about "traditional witch doctors." You know, I think everything is "traditional" with her. Right now they're riding in the "traditional" short bus. Kathryn's wearing the "traditional" baseball hat. And Theo is thinking about taking the "traditional" piss into a bottle. Vu explains that she is a traditional doctor or healer and that she would never have the power to kill anyone. I wonder if she has the power to cancel Road Rules. Boy, that would traditionally fucking heal my ass real quick.
The kids get out in a little remote village and Vu says, "I want you to be serious, because we are going to start the training now." She goes on to say that if at any point, any of them doesn't want to do something, he or she should say "no" before even starting, so as to not "waste [her] energy." She smiles. Shot of Laterrian. Shot up from James's feet. Weird sounds. Kathryn. I love the use of silence in this episode. I say that because it's very effective. Not because it means tons less "like"s and "dude"s to transcribe. You people have no faith. So I guess no one objects right now because, well, no one objects right now, so Vu leads them over to a hut where their faces are painted white. Blue Man Group music plays and the editors slow down a shot or speed it up to continue the carefully crafted "What the Fuck?!" vibe they've been going with this week. Ha. Glam shot of James staring "soulfully" into the camera during white-paint application. The cameraman is in love with James. Cut. Villagers watching. (Other villagers hot-wiring the short bus. I'm kidding -- but I totally would be doing that right now. What a bitchin' scam that would be!) Singing. Old women smoking pipes. People carrying Mooti in cans to the fire. The kids around a fire, wearing white. Enya shit plays in the background. Forty-five-minute-long pan across villagers watching, obviously tired of having to introduce rich white people to their rituals, very much not smiling. Music getting creepier. Holly and Laterrian hold the leash of a white goat. Oh, man. That looks like the goat that was just a head earlier. Only now there's more than just a head -- there's a body. Later: no body. This isn't looking so good for Mr. Goat. In fact, it's looking downright "Ba-a-a-a-a-a-d." Ah, crap! Motherfucker! A flying ant just landed on my head. Jesus. Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It's one hundred degrees in my apartment, I'm watching Road Rules, and being kamikazed by fucking flying ants. Could things get much worse? Ooh, shot of big long knife being unsheathed. Okay, I'll just concentrate on being glad I'm not the goat. Vu, now wearing the lampshade thing on her head says, "Now, we are going to sacrifice the goat." Yup. You know, technically, it doesn't really seem like that much of a sacrifice. I mean, she doesn't seem all that attached to the goat. Laterrian says, "Oh my God," not having been able to put goat and huge knife together previously. Vu expl
ains that it will be a sacrifice to the kids' ancestors. Theo's dead grandfather emails B/M that he would much rather have a bottle of Four Roses, some long-cut Skoal, and a whore. "You are saying to your ancestors, you say 'Yes,' [Gong! Slo-mo shot of Laterrian and Holly dramatically looking at the camera] to become a traditional doctor." Vu is going to whip a Mooti for each one of them as a symbol for accepting. Give up da Mooti, baby!
Vu says she'll start with the "shortest" -- that being Msaada. People sing and play drums, and Vu stirs what looks like a nice latte, and Msaada kneels and drinks from the froth. Vu talks about ancestors and healing and puts froth behind Msaada's glowing and happy face. Msaada voice-overs about how amazing it is to be part of the tradition and culture and that it is a "special" experience. Kathryn is . Jesus! Hey Vu, can you whip up a Mooti and contact the spirit of a fucking commercial break if you get a sec? Thanks much. So Kathryn sits and Vu stirs and talks about giving Kat clarity to read the bones -- something Vu obviously does well enough already on her own. Kathryn licks the latte and coughs as we see James and Theo whispering. James tells Theo that he should have said he didn't want to do this a while ago; now it's too late. Theo chaws testily, "That's not true. I can say 'no' any time I want to. Don't tell me that." The music really heats up, and it's all "intense" and shit as NoScreenTimeHolly licks some Mooti foam. Theo asks Kathryn, in a whisper, about the goat and she says that the people will all eat it afterwards for food. "Cool," says Theo. James is . Ancestor talk. Drums. He's done. Shot of Theo. Laterrian sits in front of Vu and says, "I will take part in anything else except for sacrificing the goat." Whoa. We go into slo-mo as Vu smiles and Laterrian floats that it goes against his Christian beliefs and his learning that "Jesus Christ was the ultimate sacrifice. To revert back was almost like saying He wasn't enough for [Laterrian]." Huh. Very interesting. Well, whatever. You still ruin everything. Oh Lord, but not as bad as ol' Theo does. Theo stands up after kneeling in front of Vu and stutters, "I don't -- I don't -- I don't want to, uh, be a traditional healer. I mean, I do not agree with, um, sacrificing of the animal." Moron. I mean, sure, he goes on to apologize, and I guess I can see his point, but I'm tired of Theo causing trouble every fucking week. Just play along for once, Cleetus!. Man. I don't know, but I think there's some special allowance in the Bible for breaking religious tenets if on a B/M show. Anyway, a shirtless Theo floats that he has his own special relationship with God and that his "Theo-istic" beliefs tell him this is not what he needs to be doing. "Theo-istic?" No pun intended? Don't worry Theo, no pun accomplished.
Vu graciously thanks Theo and Laterrian for their time and sends them on their way. Msaada floats that Vu gave them a chance earlier to drop out and they didn't, so they're now going against their word. B/M hates Msaada so they cut her off and show people roughly pulling the goat by the horns. The goat is held on the ground as Kathryn justifies to James that they're going to eat the goat. James ruins her delusion by reminding her that Vu said its death is a "sacrifice" for their ancestors. Kathryn shuts up. Okay, so knife is out and people hold the goat down. Holly and the others call for James, but he stands right by the goat and says, "No, I want to watch this." Either he's trying to be brave and face that which he would normally shy away from, or he's the sicko that he has more and more recently appeared to be. Goat. Black screen. Goat. Black screen. What the hell is B/M doing? Oh, "building tension." Well, okay, it's working, I guess. Manipulative, but it's working. I don't want to see a goat die. Kathryn and James watch. We see the knife drag quickly across the neck and the goat jerk but they cut away before we see blood. Hey, why is Theo sitting behind Msaada? Go back to the hut, you bastard! You can't have no damn goat meat. So anyway, Kathryn is visibly disturbed by what we can't see, thankfully, off-camera. James just stares, transfixed. Music goes kooky, slowing down and stopping harshly. It's a good effect, and we get a slo-mo close-up of Kathryn looking very sad and disgusted. And...scene. Man, that was the longest fucking segment in Road Rules history. Aw, yo, this is the first commerical?! The first. Oh, I'm going to cry.
During the commercials I must drift off, because I dream of Theo and James being eaten alive by flying ants. I wake up to realize it's me, and that there's two-thirds of this motherfucker to go. Deciding to end it all, I run and jump out the window. I forget I'm only on the second floor so I land and simply scrape my knee. My neighbor, who is getting her mail, sees me and chuckles, "Ah, Monday. Road Rules, huh?"
Shit, we're back. Enya singing. Bag of blood. Bowl of blood. Goat head. The four accept goat meat and eat it. "Mmm. Go big or go home," says James. Msaada says she didn't come to Africa to eat at McDonald's. She adds a "dude," but I have no other choice than to forgive her and blame James. Kathryn finds the meat "interesting." Kathryn always does. Laterrian and James, in civilian garb, walk down a grassy road and talk about their bowing out. "Different strokes for different strokes, young brotha," says Laterrian. Oh, shut up about your strokes. The both of youse. Laterrian floats that he doesn't want to let his teammates down in terms of getting their "handsome reward." Oh. My. God. Laterrian is totally smoking the B/M pipe with the "handsome reward" thing. I swear their reward is going to be George Clooney. Sellout-terrian goes on to say that he can't put a price on his beliefs. Shit. I believe in quality television, but here I am watching Road Rules like the whore I am. What, you want me to sit through a Sliders marathon week? Cool. Let me just bend over for you. So Theo starts talking about African beliefs being "questionable" and realizes he's getting in trouble, so he just says that he didn't grow up here so he doesn't believe in them. Theo goes shirtless floaty again and says that the teammates don't see the pride in his eyes when he stands up for his beliefs. Fuck your beliefs. Even Amaya bobbed for the goddamn pigs' feet. Sure, she did gag and cry afterwards, but she did it. Back to Theo and L.T. walking. More talking. Blah blah blah don't-wanna-kill-no-goat cakes. Ladysmith Black Mambazo sings as Laterrian and Theo walk amidst twenty little kids. They are the Pied Idiots of South Africa. B/M forgets to bring a windshield for the microphone because they've only been doing this shit for, oh, nine years. Theo talks about trying to head to some waterfalls we then see in the distance. (Quick note to television producers everywhere: If you can't craft a show that is more interesting than watching a lazy-ass cat give the stink-eye to a bug, it's time to throw in the towel and look up the word "compelling" in Webster's.) Laterrian and Theo head off, leading the village kids in a nonsensical and geographically way-off chant about "Puerto Rico."
Back to the village. Lord. The kids are now dressed in "traditional" garb, with complex face painting. Msaada looks good and happy and right, but the others just look wrong. They dance around with villagers. Vu says, "Now, we are going to slaughter an ox." Shot of what looks like a cow. Close enough, Vu. Man, she's sure working her way up the food chain. If this goes on long enough, perhaps she'll say, "Now, we are going to slaughter a Bunim-Murray grip." Wait, or is a grip for Bunim-Murray really higher on the food chain than a cow? That's debatable. In Hollywood it certainly isn't. The cow has to die so the kids can read the "bones." This better be one hell of a bone-throwing session. James better be able to tell me who's going to win the AL West after all this killing. Kathryn voice-overs, quite sensibly, if over-dramatically, that if she were against killing animals, she'd be a vegetarian. (Or as Linda McCartney used to say so annoyingly, "A veggie!") Actually, a few short weeks ago, Kathryn was a La-tarian. "But still at the same time," continues Kathryn. "It's a difficult thing to watch." So is your show, honey. So is your show. Msaada then busts out that while she's here she is going to "bend [herself] to their ways;" she's not going to judge these people in their own land for their own practices. I agree. You shouldn't judge people when you're in their country. Except for the French. Everyone dances. James dances. I remember after the preview last week, it looked as though James was going to be slaughtered in this episode. That dream seems so far away from here. So far.
Meanwhile (you know, I have no idea if it's "meanwhile" -- this could be fucking days from now for all B/M can be trusted with a timeline), Laterrian and Theo -- or "Blacker and the Cracker" as their TV show might be named -- ask some guys to tell them how to reach the waterfalls. Theo wisely tries to bridge the language gap simply by making sure to over-enunciate the "t" in "waterfalls." It doesn't work. He tries the worst miming I've seen since my epileptic Uncle Marty tried to do "trapped in a box" for my fifth birthday party. Laterrian simply points and the guys wave them in the right direction. Mannheim Steamroller lends some really peaceful and evocative tracks from their upcoming Arbor Day album to provide background for L.T. and Theo's hike up to the waterfalls. They arrive at some beautiful, very tall waterfalls, and Laterrian utters a timeless and intensely quotable phrase to commemorate the moment and to really put it all into perspective: "Wow. Look at...uh. All the, um...rainbows, yo." There are five rainbows, and Theo and L.T. stand to each other looking up at them, and Theo wonders silently if James would be mad if he kissed Laterrian; the moment is just too perfect to pass up.
Eight days ago maybe, back at the village, the cow is tied up and forced down as the kids watch in sadness and curiosity and mixed-emotion-hood. Cut back to the new couple taking pictures of the rainbows. Tribal music plays. Back to the cow. Back to a now shirtless L.T. and Theo frolicking in the water. Cow. Happy couple. Cow. Couple. Cow. Couple. Faster and faster. So basically, these film geeks who B/M -- for some unknown reason -- have obviously farmed this episode to, have also seen Apocolypse Now a few damn too many times. Any minute now, I expect Marlon Brando to whisper, "I think I swallowed a bug." The cow is killed. Theo yells a tribal-happy-gay-waterfall yell. Kathryn mouths, "Oh my God." Theo yells. Splashes. Kathryn turns to Msaada for comfort. Theo. Vu hugs Kathryn. Then Vu starts singing along with the clapping. She really does have the most amazing voice, for a lampshade-wearing, Nell Carter-looking, cow-killing, traditional-healing, Mooti licker. Holly sadly pokes the ground with a stick because she couldn't summon tears and therefore couldn't summon Vu or the cameras and she really has just as much to offer as Kathryn and, damn, will she ever live down the incident when she yelled at the cameraman? I mean, will she have to fucking pay forever?! Back at the waterfall, and Laterrian and Theo are all wet and look very satisfied. Laterrian says rashly that it was probably the single greatest moment in his life. Theo is that good?! Theo smiles and agrees with him -- that he and Laterrian really have some insanely wonderful chemistry -- saying, "Talk about some traditional healing. That'll pretty much heal anybody, I think." Theo tells the camera how much fun he had. (Note: There is a slight possibility that they might have been talking about the waterfall here, and not gay mountain sex.)
Night. Bark at the Moon. Laterrian and Msaada meet in the short bus. Laterrian asks Msaada if she ate the goat. She smiles and says that it was good. She and Laterrian have a very passive-aggressive conversation about how Laterrian wasn't going to give up his beliefs, while Msaada isn't a vegetarian and so she has no right to bitch. Laterrian argues that sacrificing a cow to his ancestors is different. "Whatever," knifes Msaada, before walking away. Msaada voice-overs that she thought they all would experience this together, and now the two groups have different memories, and "it's completely different." She obviously wants them all to get along and have fun together. You know, Theo and Laterrian would just rather be alone in the water together. Just as you can't stop the rain, you can't stop the sheer force of young love. Nonsensical shots of thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening. Me, Stee-so-bored-o. Stee-so-bored-o. Stee-so-bored-o, figaro. Magnifico. I'm watching Road Rules, nobody loves me. He's watching Road Rules, witness his misery. Spare him his life from this monstrosity. Easy Kat. Easy James. Will you let me go? MTV, no! We will not let you go. Let him go! MTV! We will not let you go. Let him go! MTV! We will not let you go. Let him go! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Bunim/Murray, Bunim/Murray, Bunim/Murray let me go. MightyBigTV has a new show put aside for me. For me. For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Uh, sorry. I think I broke something on that last note. Good thing we're at commercial.
Look. It's Lost Highway on the Independent Film Channel. Seriously, I would rather watch Bill Pullman playing a tenor-sax player who turns into Balthazar Getty who turns back into Bill Pullman, than continue to sit through Road Rules. I'd even rather watch the Lenny Kravitz Making the Video. Hell, I'd rather watch Providence. Well...okay, that's pushing it.
Vu says a bunch of shit I don't understand, but I think it has something to do with her telling the villagers that her "students" are now ready to throw and read bones and answer questions for them. We see the "bones" thrown, and they're actually a collection of weird shit like shells, dice, keys, and even a few backgammon pieces. Not exactly the sacred knuckle bones from a long-deceased tribal elder that I expected. Msaada explains that each bone has a meaning and a representation, and it depends on where the things land and which side up, blah blah blah voodoocakes. So Kathryn "reads" for Vu, and Vu makes it sound like Kathryn is a genius; she just kind of goes along with everything Kathryn says, and in such a believable way that Kathryn suddenly thinks she's a fucking visionary. "The evil spirit is in the mouth of your paternal grandfather." "Yes!" "There's an evil spirit present that they have overcome." "Yes! I can't believe it." "And this upturned Bazooka Joe comic means that your third cousin's dog once ate a bar of soap." "Yes! Your power scares and confuses me." GullibleKat then floats, "I received certain vibes. Like, I feel just a certain presence, I don't know how to explain it. Like, I just feel certain things." Kathryn "feels" a lot of things -- especially in T.G.I. Friday's bathrooms. "Your ancestors are responding," says Vu. Well, maybe, but I imagine they'd be "responding" a little less if B/M wasn't paying you. So now it's Holly's turn to shine! Holly tries to do a reading for a woman. She points to a shell and says, "This is your husband...or boyfriend...or significant other...not such a good thing." She goes on to say that the woman might get some money from an accident that's not her fault. Everyone smiles, having no fucking clue what the hell this white girl is babbling about -- big Vu just offered them some extra beef shanks if they'd humor the stupid Americans for an afternoon. Msaada does a reading on James: "This is, I guess, your girlfriend, and it's turned down. It's not looking good." James groans. Vu winks to the B/M camera. She really does. James now reads Kathryn: "Neither your fiancé, nor your secret lover are really, uh, doing too well now, but I think the interesting thing to say is that they're both close to each other so there might be some kind of choice in the future for ya." Hee. Kathryn thanks him. James just made all that shit up. He doesn't know what the key facing north means. Jackass.
It's turning to dusk, and Vu gives the four kids their coins that they "deserve." "Well done." Msaada voice-overs that she's felt very much at home. Msaada thanks Vu in her language, even on behalf of Theo and Laterrian. Vu smiles. She really seems like a terrific woman. Though they never officially said she was the "Mission Mayor," I'm right now dubbing her the best mayor of the year. She then sends them to the hut to give back the threads, and Holly voice-overs about the cultural experience of the whole thing. Kathryn plays with the kids and laughs. The village women dance. James takes a photo from on top of the short bus. A silhouette against the deepening night.
Cut crazy-jarringly to the outside of a Conoco gas station. Are we still in South Africa? Who knows. The kids sit in the short bus as Msaada argues that Theo and L.T. should have joined the others in the ceremony. James and Msaada agree that this is Laterrian's culture, and he should therefore feel obligated to go. That's a stupid argument, by the way. Laterrian explains that the way he grew up, if someone dies, they're dead. No afterlife. ["Then what was that shit about Jesus?" -- Wing Chun] Msaada says she did not want to kill animals and she doesn't advocate it, but she went through with it. Theo butts in and says that he carries his belief system wherever he goes, and it doesn't matter what people are doing where he his, he's going to believe what he believes. As in, the races not mixing and disliking Asians? Theo says that he feels persecuted. Oh, please, Theo. No one is persecuting you. "This is God's earth and I'll go anywhere." You will, Theo? You promise? Um, I choose Guam. Now, go. Buh-bye. Kathryn suggests to Laterrian that it was culture shock that made him reject the mission. Laterrian slaps down that idea: "It has nothing to do with being shocked." (While typing that last sentence, I briefly thought I was referring to the fact that Nicolas Cage does so many and such shitty movies. That's not a joke, I literally hallucinated while typing. I need to go to sleep.) And...bong! Credits. Yeeeeessss!
up on Road Rules...the kids sitting in a room. Theo yodels, "The Real World has come to reclaim their beloved Shorty." The dog. Finally with the fake Sony dog. The Real World's Melissa says, "We're about to do some tribal warfare." Theo says some of his patented nonsense about the competition heating up. James and Laterrian crazy, shirtless dancing around a fire pit. Laterrian and David fighting over a stick. Huge worms on a plate for "worm-eating competition." Kathryn turning red and shaking while eating a worm. Hee. Holly almost gags in the background. Someone says something about lesbians in the water and Melissa yells back, "I am still strictly dickly, thank you." I love how The Real World keeps showing up on Road Rules but not vice-versa, as far as I know. It's so Slash doing some guest-playing on his not-famous brother's album. Poor Road Rules. Always the bridesmaid...never the good television.
What the fuck? Under the credit sequence, we get shots from this week's episode while a rap song plays. A rap instead of some crappy Theo banter? Can they do that? Actually, I guess I should consider myself lucky. "In the heart of every man," says the rap. "Lies a piece of another man. From another land. Now. Take my hand so we both can sit, by an astral stream then we can lift. Ugh!" Um. Yes, ugh! The voice-over guy tells us that we can log onto MTV.com right now and talk to the cast of Road Rules about tonight's episode. Of course, they're talking 10:30 PM EST, so really I could log on and ask Holly, "Uh, what's the episode going to be about tonight? Cuz, all that's on is Sisqo's Shakedown out here." But then again, I wouldn't have known about the chat since the show isn't on here until 1 AM EST, so I missed my chance to ask Holly what the fuck is up with the cheek stars. Oh well. There's one mystery that will just have to go unanswered. The other, of course is, "Why is Road Rules still on?"