Previously on Road Rules: James does a floaty that actually has not been shown before, thus ruining the entire concept of "Previously on..." James says, "You just learn that you have to do more than you can, you have to get the job done. You have to win." Behind this we see the lame-ass synchronized swimming event. James, sitting in a room somewhere, is very upset. James "dude"s out on us: "We'll just be the Road Rules, you know, face-off, dude, and we'll go in here to every face-off and we'll just get our [claps hands, aggressively] ass smacked by the [beep] team. We'll go away with the six-thousand dollar participant prize. I'm all about the win, dude." Whoa. James is angry, yo. James is a little hot under the rugby collar; he misses his "teammates," I guess. When you have a minute, go study James's sentence structure. It's really, uh, dude, something. And...intro: "This season, things are a little different." No they're not. The first season sucked. Last season sucked. And this season sucks. How is that different?
The Graphic of Stupid gets all bilingual on us and shit, reading, "Going En Fuego." Si. Esta muy muy stupido. Crazy shaky-cam shot of the Shasta driving in what looks like the Southwest with high desert red rocks, as Theo says something about it being "God's country." Someone else says it's a "long trip," and I think we've now gone back to the trip a few episodes ago that we skipped from Utah to the South. But since I've totally renounced trying to figure out the chronology of this show, that shouldn't bother me. And yet it does. My cat's so bored she's eating dust, and I'm not far behind. James and Theo wear twin StupidHats and glasses, as Msaada prepares to ask them a question from "any era, time," etc. I guess it's a sort of game, but aside from "Who Looks Stupider?" I don't see what game they're playing. "Who created the light bulb?" asks Msaada. "Benny Frank," answers Theo, which would have been my guess, as well. I really admire Benny's work. "Thomas Edison," answers James. (Uh, he's right, right? Right.) James calls Theo a "dumb-ass." No one argues. Theo himself doesn't even argue. It's probably a good thing in the end to realize just what you are and to accept it. Msaada laughs, then asks them to name two Garth Brooks albums. Okay, everyone is obviously drunk. I'm getting it. James says Fresh Horses (which is a damn fine Ringwald/McCarthy film, by the way), and Garth Brooks Live. Ho-ho chimes in that it's called Garth Brooks Double Live. "I'm going to double-kick your ass," replies James, cracking me up for the first time in...well, ever. Holly scowls strangely, going all inappropriately Scaryteeth on us. Shasta driving. Oh my god: James is jumping around, dancing in the Shasta, singing, as Holly eats (always with the food) to him and gives him the stink-eye and Theo asks if he's having hot flashes. We get some B/M's-idea-of-creative multi-shots of James doing "wacky shit" while Theo floats that he doesn't know what to think of James and that he's "totally a kid." Wait. Theo doesn't know what to think of someone? Theo is questioning James' maturity level. That's like the pot...no wait. They're both equally immature and stupid. Neverdude. Now I wish I was making this up, but right as James is dancing around, my cat walks up to me, pukes, then runs away. I'm sending B/M the carpet-cleaning bill. James then says something to Theo that sounds like, "Yummy. Cousin Tummy," which makes Theo spit out his drink and yodel, "Don't tell me that." Uh, I couldn't even if I wanted to. James then says something else equally indecipherable, this time in a Southern preacher voice. Way to construct a show, B/M. String a bunch of shit together that you can't even understand if you rewind it six or seven times. You should be very proud of yourselves. (Yes, by "proud" I actually mean "deeply deeply ashamed".)
Kathryn, driving, asks Holly if she can look at the map. Okay. So, they're lost. I get it, as James, still hyper, yells, "We're pretty much going en Fuego." "James is basically a frat guy," voice-overs Msaada, adding that his energy is hard to take sometimes. The mixed-up blondes ask James to "chill" and "shut the [beep] up" as they look at the map. "Dude," says Kathryn, "Dude" Fever now spreading like small pox in the Shasta. "You have a silver spoon up your ass," Kathryn adds. James calls Kathryn "Pi Beta Phi," suddenly speaking Greek, and warns her never to say that he has a silver spoon up his ass. Yeah, it's platinum. She should know better. "Phew," says floaty James. No, really. That's the whole floaty. A sigh. Shasta driving. Bad drum and bass music that B/M pimps on their website, to which I refuse to link. Night-time. Holly voice-overs and then floats that James has been driving for a long time and is tired and cranky. Shot of James driving as Holly navigates. They're going to stay at an RV Park for the night, and James is "not happy about that," reports a super-Scaryteeth Holly. James and Holly argue for a while about the RV Park, which has, as Holly reports (calling him "dude" -- damn, people!), pool and air hockey and other crap like that. James complains that the beds on the Shasta suck and though they just spent a whole bunch of time in a hotel, they deserve to spread out every once in a while. Holly says, "You're just such a whiner." Oh my lord, James is acting like a little bitch. Oh shit, James comes back with, "Holly, you're the one who's crying after events.…" Oooh. We get a classic shot mostly on Theo, sitting shotgun, sleeping, with total slack-jaw, as Holly goes, "Excuse me!" "Well, don't call me a whiner, dude," says James, all Taking Back The "Dude." Holly voice-overs that James brings "it" on himself by saying "...something that's a complete, back-handed-jerk thing to say." Floaty James is in the House, saying, "I can't stand Holly right now. There's nothing about her that makes me want to be ten feet near her." Okay, now listen: I only have two choices here. One: I defend Holly. Two: I just move on. Yeah, I thought you'd pick that one. Sonofabitch. The blue light twirls. The Bloated One comes on his little screen. The kids react as usual: Holly laughs like a schoolgirl who's in love with her ugly P.E. teacher. RM blahs: "I've written a little song about tomorrow. 'Well, there've been too many crashes, on the road to love.' I think it's going to be a huge hit." Blah. Catchphrase. Been there, hated that. Oh my Lord. As RM says "hit," we get literally twelve little screens of the doofus. That has to be a record. Seriously. This episode should be so proud. The Shasta is at the RV Park as Holly voice-overs that their stop is Augusta. That's Georgia, right? Cool.
"Stuck" reads the Graphic of Stupid. Okay, do I even have to comment on that one? James and Theo are babbling inside the Shasta that night at the RV Park. James dudes that he doesn't even know how to act on this trip, that he loses a part of who he is. Well, he obviously hasn't lost the annoying part of himself yet. That's something. Theo responds that he likes being part of the group but everyone is different, and James interrupts that he hates the group. "None of the girls, I think, are funny. None of them I hang around. None of them are patient with me. None of them are patient with...I don't know, dude, like, I'm not comfortable around them." James is pretty drunk here, it sounds like, and I certainly hope he is because he's making very little sense. Theo responds, and I swear, they have their own language, because I have no idea what he's saying. Theo says something about perceiving that James usually deals with situations and people like this by saying, "Deal with it, dude." Deal With It, Dude: that's the name of my sixth album. Holy Dude! James throws a massive tantrum about how normally he could just says "Fuck You" to someone who doesn't like him, and walk away, but here he is the aforementioned "stuck" in "this shitty RV." He starts talking shit about the Shasta and throwing stuff, and it is all very very funny, and not in a "James is an intelligent and thoughtfully troubled young man" way, ether. Okay, James really starts to scare me, and Theo as well, by going on about how he's stuck and he "can't be stuck in these walls!" and how usually he could just rip shit off the wall but here he cannot...so he does. He rips some panel off the wall and indeed, it is a shitty RV and poorly decorated to be all retro-space-aged and I don't blame his aesthetic sensibilities being insulted, but he does look like a fool as he talks about all the stuff inside of him and grunting and acting like a big freak. "There's so much [beep] energy with me, every day. That I can't..." Theo is very funny as he is obviously scared (and/or turned on) and keeps saying, "I know. That's what I like about you, dude." This is reminding me of the episode of M*A*S*H where Hot Lips and Hawkeye were stuck in a tent somewhere and the bombs were falling right on top of them and they were scared and then mad and yelling and cursing the bombs, and then suddenly they started making out furiously. I keep waiting for Theo to grab James and say, "It's not your fault," over and over until James breaks down and Theo gets an Oscar™ nomination. Finally James leaves and crawls on top of the Shasta (now that's getting away from the "walls" he hates so much) and Theo floats, looking very much in love, that people think James is tough (who thinks that?!) but he's really "sensitive" and "sentimental". James then takes over the floaty detail: "It's like, the missions and the money are really the only thing that's, like, keeping me here." Psst. Hey B/M. Take away the missions and the money. Please. Just until James leaves.
Morning. James wakes up on top of the Shasta and we're suddenly at the Augusta/Richmond County Civic Center. The Shasta pulls into the lot and the kids "ooh" over this wrestler-looking guy getting out of a car; he is draped in chains and holding a skull. The crack B/M editing staff continue their assault on our eyes and production sensibilities by using crazy split-screens and stutter-effects and multi-shots. Inside a shitty auditorium, the kids hoot and holler as monster trucks drive around a course. Kathryn voice-overs that she loves driving trucks -- but I think she means that she loves being driven in trucks. James, having suddenly gotten over his ennui, screams and cheers and pumps his fist even more vehemently than when he saw Mommy last week. Somebody have the crash-cart waiting nearby because I think James is about to have an embolism. And...commercial. Damn, this is just the first commercial. I'm about to start ripping shit off my walls. Too bad I can't go sleep on the roof. You know...the pigeons.
Seven-Up. Taco Hell. "Sixty-Six, please." Eve 6 ad for 1-800-COLLECT. (What the fuck?!) Amanda Peet sex movie. Teen Choice Awards. Herbal Essences gang-bang ad. JC Penney. Undressed, the best show ever. I'm serious.
Okay. We're back, as James yells again, distracting a poor B/M PA who lets the boom mic slide into the shot. A fat dude comes over and introduces himself as Calvin, the new Mission Mayor. A truck full of their competitors drives towards them and the Graphic of Stupid tells us that this is going to be the "Monster Truck Face-Off." They will be going up against "The Georgia Greeks," a bunch of frat and sorority kids from Georgia University. Holly floats that they're also dealing with a bunch of "debutantes," so she's not that worried. Well, we all know that Holly absolutely shines in competition against other kids, so this should be a cakewalk for her; competition brings out the best in sweet Holly. Oh, did I say "best"? I misspoke. The kids and the Greeks shake hands. Oh Jesus. Little B/M Boxes of Suck introduce us to the Greeks one by one. Man, I don't care who they are. Well, they all sound pretty idiotic. Natalie. Alicia. Julie. Mark. Corey. Phillip. I think the guys are "Theta Chi"s, but that could just be a new drink at Starbucks, I'm not sure. Mark says that Chia Thighs or whatever they are, are very "bloodthirsty." They are also needy enough to fuck sheep in order to gain acceptance. James floats that since he is also part of the Greek system at Berkeley, he is in his element. I don't know what frat James is in, but having grown up in Berkeley, I had friends in many of the frats up there. They are the most disgusting places I've ever encountered, yo. One night we showed up to play poker at one of the houses, and in the foyer, someone had taken a shit. Seriously. Not a dog, a person. And the worst part, when we asked what it was, they all laughed and just stepped over it. It was still there a week later when we showed up again for poker. Glorious tradition, the Greek system. (I also know about some of the stuff my friends did to get into the frats, but children might be reading.) Calvin talks about how to drive the car "just gas it, and break" and the B/M staff goes nuts with effects and we jump/stutter cut to the locker room where James says that both groups are here to win money but that it is a "one shot, one kill, opportunity for them." James is now doing something involving miming shooting a bow and arrow and I'm ready to give up. Calvin leads the kids out of the dressing room -- wearing hideous yellow t-shirts. Laterrian voice-overs the rules, which have been the same since the fucking beginning of the season: "We complete the mission, we get six points. And each point's worth, like, a thousand bucks." Like? So maybe not quite a thousand dollars. Maybe it's worth nine-hundred fifty? Nine-seventy five? Whatever they have lying around? A B/M key chain? Better stick to having Msaada do the exposition from now on.
The first event is the Obstacle Course, worth one hundred points. Sure. Whatever. So the obstacle course is done on foot. Two teams of three each will compete. There is tire pushing, followed by thru-tire hopping, then climbing and pushing a truck over a line. One of the Greek girls says that they're going to win, and Msaada does some double-floaty, hoping that she's not going to vomit. Oh, I see. Msaada will be inside the tire that gets pushed. Well, Calvin didn't explain that very well, now, did he? Eight screens show Calvin starting the race and the tires are being pushed and people (who???) are screaming. Okay, so an announcer is spurring on the crowd (there's a crowd, I guess), talking about how the tires weigh three hundred pounds and telling the audience that they "gotta" cheer for their favorite team. The Road Rules kids are ahead as Msaada gets out of the tire and the three approach the wall. They climb over using "strategy" -- climbing over each other as traction against the greased-up wall. Meanwhile, one of the Greek kids hurls himself over the wall and the announcer goes crazy praising him. Oops, but then the girl can't get over and no one is there to help. Ha. So our kids are now pushing the truck and...wait. I'm totally confused. Suddenly the other three from each side are going too and the Greeks haven't even pushed a truck but suddenly they take over the lead and win? Aw, fuck this. Goddamn, man! Listen B/M, and I'm serious here. I'm tired. I'm hungry. My friends hate me because I have to watch your show instead of going out. At least don't make the thing worse as the weeks go on. You already said "fuck it" in regards to location and continuity. Now, suddenly, you put in dialogue no one can hear, throw boom mics into shots, and now you make a totally incomprehensible "mission." I swear, I'm close to coming down to that office and handing out copies of the book, "How To Make People Understand What The Fuck Is Happening On Your Television Show." It might help. Msaada blathers about James's ego also making him a fierce competitor; so it's like a mixed blessing, I guess. James is just mixed. No blessing. The Greek kids jump around, having won the hundred points, and we go back to the dressing rooms to de-grease.
James floats, "Do you ever have one of those points in your life where you're like, 'Dude, we can't lose?' Well, this is one of them." Shot of Greeks celebrating and saying something I, again, cannot hear. Theo says that they have to go back out there and "corral" it. Theo is fucking inspirational, man. So the second event is the Crash Course (Hey, a school reference! B/M, you cut-ups.) Calvin explains that the event is not about time, but about how many targets you can hit. By the way, the kids are all wearing monogrammed jumpsuits now. That look is in, baby. Kathryn floats. Let's listen: "So I'm expecting the worst, because I am the chosen one to the crash course." (Yes, her sentence structure is just that good.) However, Kathryn and everyone has a good laugh when the trucks come out, and are about three feet tall. Hee hee. This show just keep getting funnier and funnier. Fuck Sex & the City, from now on I'm turning to Road Rules for my weekly dose of yuks. Calvin tells the two girls racing to not intentionally hit each other, as they get in their "trucks." Some real comedy would be seeing Calvin trying to get into one of the little vehicles. That would kick ass.
As the girls take off, they show the most bored-looking crowd since...well, last week's event. Kathryn gets stuck and James pulls the little car free. An audience member points listlessly. An audience member smiles, then drinks a beer. Theo jumps around. Kathryn and the Greek Ho hit targets (flags). B/M editing staff uses twelve screens again at one time. More driving. More cheering. Someone honks outside my house. It's my friend Peter. He wants me to come to a party. A tear rolls down my cheek and I put my hand to the glass, wishing I could go outside and play. Kathryn wins, eight to six. Holly shoves her ho-ho butt in the camera, jumping on the little truck. "I won fifty points," voice-overs Kathryn. "I was pretty slick." Ew, I don't need to know about your, you know, girl problems. Visit a drug store. So it's one hundred to fifty, Greeks in the lead. The Drag Race is , Calvin announces, ordering a pizza at the same time. One of the Greeks asks, "Which one of y'all's gonna lose?" Ha! That's a dope psyche-out maneuver, Chip. Does that work during frat parties when you're trying to figure out who gets to put the roofies in the cute freshman's drink? Theo talks to the camera, saying, "This is kind of like a 'sub car,' or a 'mini car,' but I'm just gonna have to deal with that. You know, everybody's gotta start back somewhere." Um...yes Theo...you're right? Anyway, the Greeks psyche their boy up as James and Theo chaw, "Go big, or go home!" Isn't that a fast food restaurant slogan? (I'm purposefully restraining myself from mentioning the obvious homoerotic overtones of that little saying. Oops, I just sort of did by mentioning that I was restraining myself from mentioning it. Hm. That's ironic.) Oh. The race is just a five-second straight shot. Theo waves. Holly screams. Theo wins. It's all tied up. Wow. That was "exciting."
In the Greek locker room, one of the dudes says, "We need the stakes higher, because if it weren't that way, we'd come in here and take control...We need a little adversity and a mountain to climb." But I'm pretty much translating from, like, Polish or some shit because I can't make anything out through his drawl. Theo is a fucking linguist compared to this guy. James's event is Monster Truck, and he has to drive over some bumps and a straight-away for time. Theo says something about "yo" and "go big." The Greek dude goes really slow for some reason and Laterrian explains that that is why the entire crowd is booing him. I don't understand. However, I'm used to that. "Big finish!" yells the announcer, as the Greek rolls his truck three miles per hour. GreekBoy says something about ten thousand people booing him being his best moment. I think that attendance figure is a bit fucking optimistic, B/M. It's James's turn to "bring this mission home to the Road Rules team." James hits the gas and almost flips his truck on the first bump. The camera inside the jerking cab pixilates and then ominously goes to black. Commercial. Oooh, is James dead? Is James dead! Maybe? Cool.
No, James isn't dead. Shit. Aw, man. Ha. They show people brushing dust out of their hair after James went by. James skids to a stop, having probably broken the truck. "But that's what that [beep] pays for, so they shouldn't have done that," says Holly, talking to James about his bouncy ride...at least I think that's what she said. It's the best I can make out. The G of S tells us that "Winner Pending Judges Ruling," as Theo and James talk about how the front of the truck is fucked up. So some guys are under the truck, and they determine that it is, in fact, jacked. "Somebody's gonna pay for that," chaws some dude, and then pushes the cameraman out of his way, putting his hand on the lens Sean Penn-style. "Go home," he says. Ha. He looks sort of like a young Kevin Bacon, but with fewer IQ points and a real special love for his truck. But then again, I'm for anyone potentially damaging B/M equipment, so maybe his IQ is higher than I thought. Calvin shows up in the dressing room, shaking his head. "That's a big no-no," says the distraught Mayor. He stutters, saying that James broke a ten-thousand-dollar truck in a vicious assault on the English language. "You went out there drove it like an animal, and it wasn't your truck to do, was it?" Calvin shuts James up and claims he told him to drive carefully. But, we see a flashback of Calvin agreeing that you just "gas and brake." They argue. Who knows what went on? But it's all pretty fucking funny. Calvin all stuttering, knowing Kevin Bacon is going to kick his fat ass. James knows that this is B/M's responsibility, so who really gives a fuck. Suddenly, one of the Greeks busts in and defends James, agreeing that Calvin wasn't at all clear on how to drive the thing; he never told them how to drive a monster truck, when they are not trained drivers. Laterrian floats, likening it to a "bad call sliding into home," and we get more shots of the jumpsuited argument and I'm feeling all sorts of shit at this point: I'm disgusted with Calvin, the worst Mayor ever. I'm angry at B/M for leaving James out to dry like this -- and I don't even like James. And I'm vaguely impressed that the same Greek doofus who was talking shit before, is defending James.
Calvin stutters that the bottom line is that they are canceling that event. Holly floats, extra Scaryteeth, that James lost his event but "by no fault of his own," and that they have to stand up for him. Grimace. Look to the side. Smirk. So Holly starts yelling at Calvin that she drives the exact same way back home, over the...something, and that "our trucks don't die like that." James says something I can't understand. Calvin pats James on the back and says something I also can't understand. (B/M sound crew: Do you see a pattern here? No? I'll give you a hint -- it has something to do with your audience not being able to hear the dialogue. What is this, dinner theatre? Is this a student film? No. It's prime-time television, and we can't hear what's going on. Fine. I'll just make it up: James says, "Holly, I heard that Bunim is gay." Holly says, "Yeah, and I heard that Murray likes to have sex with cats." There. And I know I'm not supposed to get emotionally involved here. I'd make a lousy doctor. I'm supposed to just look around and figure out what's wrong. And in a case like Road Rules when the patient is obviously dead, I'm supposed to just call Time Of Death, remove my scrubs, and go play nine holes of golf. I know. I know. I can't help it.)
James floats that he's surprised and happy that Holly got "all up in Calvin's face" and defended him. At one point Calvin tries to come back hard with, "You've never driven a truck?!" as if catching James in a lie, but then realizes that not everyone lives in trucks like down in Georgia. He stutter-shuts up real fast. The kids complain some more, and then talk amongst themselves. Theo floats that James was just given a gas pedal and told to go. Finally, James says, "Fat [ha!] Calvin disqualified me; therefore, my points go over to the Greek team and they got the win," changing tenses willy-nilly like he usually does. (All right, in all fairness, they are being asked to make voice-overs and floaties that seem like they're in the present tense when they really happen way after the event actually takes place. Fine.) The announcer tells the crowd that the Greeks win, and they jump up and down while our kids look sad. Holly is wearing a Silver Cheek Star of Death, but I can't remember where silver is in the progression of the disease. "The Georgia Greeks get the six thousand dollars!" yells Calvin, in his froggy, stuttery, I-need-a-sandwich-and-some-pork-rinds voice. Kathryn floats that she can't believe he's just going to give the money to the Greeks, but indeed we see him doing just that. The seven people in the audience clap and boo and the Greeks also get medals. They jump around and raise their arms in victory and say, "That was so cool." Oh Jesus. So now they're in the locker room later and they actually bust out a quote from The Breakfast Club: "You mess with the bull, you get the horns." But for some reason this guy does it in a fake Brooklyn accent, even though Paul Gleason sounds nothing like that. So then a bunch of other college friends show up and they sing a song about how great it is to be a Georgia bull. Or they're singing about the situation in South Korea, for all the crappy B/M sound equipment can pick up for me. The kids get crappy medals too as James sits in the dirt on the course. James then gets up and gives his medal to a little kid in the crowd. The kid takes it, but doesn't keep his part of the bargain, refusing, then, to go home with James. The kid waves in slo-mo to the camera. How does he do that? Kids these days, all proficient in slo-motionry. So walking back to the locker room, James voice-overs that it's not like he's a regular jock who does crazy things. He stops himself, "Well...I am. I mean, I'm also something else, too." Uh...a tool? A douche? A closet transsexual? C'mon, give us a hint.
", on Road Rules...The Shasta drives across a bridge as James yells, "Key West, baby!" So, I'm guessing we're in Key West, but then again, with B/M that's not at all a guarantee. Theo dives into the water wearing gear, and then back on the boat, pukes. A woman explains that it is, "Shallow Water Black-Out." Theo is Shallow Water Black-Out. Later, in an elevator, James tells Theo not to go again because he might die, and Theo tells James that he's right. "That's a good point. Remember that." Well, so much crap has already come out of Theo's mouth over the last ten weeks, we might as well watch him throw up. It can't be much worse than listening to him talk.
Under the closing credits, Theo has Holly locked inside a revolving door. "Do not feed the Holly," he yodels. So Theo starts riffing, pretending he's describing Holly as a zoo creature to a bunch of tourists: "It drinks coffee and wears a jacket." Everyone is cracking up. Msaada runs down the street, she's laughing so hard. He might have mispronounced "herbivorous," but I don't want to look stupider than Theo in case I'm wrong, so I won't mention it. Oh, I just did, didn't I. Damn again. Holly laughs and laughs. You know, she looks like she's a good sport and a lot of fun, as long as, you know, the attention is constantly on her.