Previously on Road Rules…no previously. Not worth rehashing last week's mess, I guess. So the Graphic of the Stupid reads, "Tonight on RR 09." The Shasta. Parked. Nighttime. Blue light signifying nothing -- well, signifying that the be-hated Road Master is on his way, which is equivalent to nothing. I have the show paused on a shot of Theo and my cat runs up and bats the screen. I know how you feel, baby. I already tried that. Didn't work. James yells something that begins with "Let's hear it, bro…" Let's not. Sure enough, the ol' Bloated One comes on the screen as the kids watch, laughing and smiling as usual over what must be in-jokes about the Road Master that B/M won't let us ever hear -- lest the actor playing the dude have his feelings hurt. Does "lame-o hack" hurt? Yeah, I guess it might. So the doofus starts babbling, chewing the scenery like no one since Sally Field in the graveyard scene in Steel Magnolias. "I've spent hours and hours watching each of you. Know what I see? You're all so guarded. You'd hate it if everybody got to know the really you." Holly sticks out her tits oddly and smiles because…I don't actually know why. Maybe she just loves the idea of everyone getting to know her. RM blathers on, "Well, Life Bites!" This sends James into hysterics, as he makes a mental note to rent every movie this guy's been in cuz he's Just That Funny! Blah. Catchphrase. E-mail. He disappears. James cracks open the orange iBook, first quickly closing down one-hundred and fifty-eight browser windows, all on different areas of www.naked-rugby-hunks.com. The kids read that they have to head to an auditorium at Emory University. That's Atlanta, right? How wrong is it that we have to fucking gather clues and Columbo together where the hell this stupid show is taking place each week? The kids guess that they're taking a lie-detector test or playing Truth or Dare. If they are playing a game, I hope it's Scrabble. I'd love to see Theo pull the "Q" and his brain explode. And…opening credits.
Daytime. Shasta rolling. Graphic of Stupid says, "Take a Leap." I think it says "Take a Nap" and instantly fall asleep for three hours. When I wake up, Msaada and Theo are talking while Kathryn ruins everything by simultaneously engaging in another speaker-phone call up front. I swear I hear the words "penis" and "vodka" during the course of her conversation. Hey, maybe she's keeping her promise to hang out with Heel Cancer Boy when she gets to New York. Msaada asks Theo about his mother and the near thirty-year age difference between her and Theo's late father. She doesn't ask about the much-less-wide gene-pool difference between the two, but them's some murky waters there and she probably just doesn't, you know, want to pry. Floaty Msaada says she doesn't know much about Theo and his mom, except that they don't talk very often. Theo yodels that he got in a lot of trouble at home with drugs and general Deep South mischief and "got kicked out." Floaty Theo chaws about not having a good relationship with his mom and how he finally "walked backwards across the Welcome mat" and went to live with friends' families. Theo tells Msaada that he has about three or four women he considers to be "Mom." Man, Theo's mother must be so proud. Floaty Blue Cheek Star Theo floats over himself and says that he "totally made [himself] into who [he is] today." And for that you're…what? Proud? Deeply regretful? Able to see the irony in praising yourself for turning out so fucking strange?
They pull into Emory University as the crack (with a capital "C," folks) B/M editing staff does some multi-screen effects with their souped-up Atari 2600. The kids jump-edit their way into the auditorium hall, where they hear the sounds of a full crowd waiting for them. James and Holly both bounce, competing in an impromptu game of "Who Loves, Nay, Needs Attention More" (by Milton-Bradley). They walk down the aisle of the packed school auditorium (well shit, having to watch the kids from Road Rules for an afternoon is at least marginally better than taking that midterm) just lovin' themselves. Holly goes Scaryteeth and James just keeps on bouncing. The kids takes seats on stage as "Local Radio DJ" and now Mission Mayor Steve Barnes (fucking love his afternoon "Hot Oldies" show -- love it) introduces himself to three claps from the audience and makes a joke about butts that prompts a cricket in the rafters to start rubbing its legs together as a tumbleweed rolls across the stage. MayorSteve says something about them needing partners; a door in back opens, and out walk the cast's mothers (plus Msaada's father). They are all normal and parental-looking, though yes, they should be ashamed of themselves for allowing the B/M-holes to convince them to come on the show. (Whether some of them should be ashamed for raising the kind of child they did is your call.) Floaty James says something about seeing Theo's mom and calls her what sounds like "elder." It actually sounds like he started to say "elderly" but stopped himself. (In fact, Theo's mom doesn't look that old and is pleasant-looking…in that "spent fifty years doing the warsh down in the crick" sort of way.) The kids react to their parents. James busts some Vanilla Ice moves of excitement as the rest seem genuinely happy. And then there's Theo. Theo looks miserable and claps once and mouths "Mom?" not too happily. Sort of like the way in school he used to mouth "Reading?"
As the mini family reunions go on and B/M pumps in the crowd noise to mask the fact that the audience got bored three minutes ago, the Graphic of Stupid says, "Parent Trap," and MayorSteve tells the kids that the "game show" is called the Parent Trap. Road Rules is a Stee Trap. Floaty Theo says something about an atomic bomb and that he and his mom are like "a couple of ducks caught in the headlights." Where does Theo drive where there are ducks all over the road? No, seriously…where does he drive? I want to make sure I never take my car anywhere near that city. Manipulative editing makes Theo and his mom look more uncomfortable than they are. MayorSteve introduces the parents. Oh man! When introduced, Holly and her mother go twin Scaryteeth. A big ol' Scaryteeth duet. Too much. Must fast-forward. Damn, Laterrian's mom looks like she's about twenty-eight. She's actually kinda hot. Holly looks like she has more miles under her hood than MamaLaterrian. Mayor Steve exiles the kids to his "sound-proof dungeon" while he talks to the parents. Dungeon? I think MayorSteve just Freudian-slipped out a little too much information about his off-air personal life. The crowd "ooohs" (read: B/M sound-editors) as MayorSteve tells the kids that their parents will be asked some questions and then they'll be asked the same questions and whoever…dude, it's the fucking Newlywed Game. We get it. Floaty Msaada is once again relegated to doing to the exposition, explaining something about each question they get right being worth a "star" (no Cheek Stars of death, I hope) with a possible twelve stars -- however, she looks totally confused, like she's reading cards and doesn't really understand. And indeed, what is not explained (and never becomes any clearer) is whether or not they are working as a team, and why only twelve points when all counted there are like thirty-six answers between the six teams and blah blah blah. Who cares? They do stupid shit. They do it well, they get paid. .
So the kids walk backstage and into a conference room with tables and coffee and shit. Nice dungeon, dick. Msaada says that she looks like her dad, and Kathryn and Holly talk about crying every time they see their moms, they love them so much. Theo says his mom knows nothing about him. And onstage, as MayorSteve says to the parents that they surely must know everything about their kids, they cut to a slo-mo shot of Theo. Okay. We Get It. Theo and his mom are estranged. Move on. But naturally they don't, as Floaty Theo says that amongst all the cast with their close parental relationships, he feels like "the ugly duckling." Two duck quotes within two minutes of television. Theo's strange ways confuse and frighten me. Crazy multi-shots as Msaada says, "I get to see my Daddy!" And…scene. Incidentally, I do think it's pretty mean of B/M to play up the Theo estrangement thing. Not all parents and kids are the best of friends. In fact, the other five are the minority. Way to make most adolescents going through the normal stuff of growing-up feel bad and alone. Fuck you, B/M. Yes, I said Fuck You.
Fake shots of cheering crowd. Kids back onstage with the parents. The first question the parents were asked regarding their kids (in scenes left on the editing room hard drive) is, "What song title best describes your personality? Born to Be Wild. I Want to Be Sedated. Or Goody Two-Shoes." Msaada and father agree on Goody Two Shoes. Kathryn and mother on Wild Thing. When Laterrian guesses Wild Thing and his mother busts out with Goody Two-Shoes, he runs around the stage in mock embarrassment/surprise, and the B/M editors test our television size (and our patience) with mad multi-shots. Laterrian says something about not wanting to scare his mom with the real him. Not each team is shown (presumably because the results didn't fit with the way B/M were trying to craft the story lines) and we go to the question. (A board above the stage shows the teams with a bunch of stars each, indicating that there are more questions than are shown and that everyone got some points at least, including Theo and his mom, and that Msaada's rules explanation is even more confusing now than I'd previously thought.) Second question is, "Ten years from now, in which house will you be living? The White House. Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Or Betty Ford's House." MayorSteve took an acting class in junior college once, because on the last he gives a little knowing turn-down of the head which indicates "I am so naughty." James matches with White House, as do Kathryn and Msaada and Laterrian. Holly matches with Pee-Wee's Playhouse (which I don't get on any level, but that's okay -- the B/M writers constantly dazzle me with their lack of creativity, so why should this episode be any different?) Theo says the Pee-Wee one, but his mom guesses White House. (That's kinda sad.) Maybe she thought they just meant a house in which only whites are allowed? Last question. "At what age did you first…[knowing pause, wry smile]…make whoopee?" Make whoopee? They really are carrying this seventies game show thing a little too far, aren't they. I keep expecting Paul Lynde and Rip Taylor to come out and engage in a witty and innuendo-laced comic tete-a-tete. (And I didn't even mean to make the "come out" joke. Damn, I'm good!) Msaada's father guesses too high. Ooooooooo! She explains that he's a reverend, so this is all very uncomfortable. Crazy multi-shots when he puts up his too-high guess. Attention B/M editing staff: take your hand away from the special-effects button. Slowly, and no one gets hurt. Thank you. Kathryn and mom match. James's mom guesses too high. Holly and Scaryteeth mom match (at age sixteen, by the way). Holly is way too happy to announce to the world that she first had sex when she was sixteen. But then again, she does "come from a long line of horny women," as she told us on the first episode. MamaLaterrian guesses too low. Theo's mom guesses too low, at fifteen. Hee. Well hell, where she comes from, most folk already have a kid in the Army by the time they're fifteen. Theo is shocked and says, "Am I a piece of meat?" Ew. I'm glad I'm a vegetarian. "That was fun," lies MayorSteve, sending the parents away this time as a graphic confuses the fuck out of me by reading, "Total Points: 2." Two?! I give up.
As the parents walk into the "dungeon" and enjoy fresh coffee and muffins like in most dungeons, the G of S dubs this segment, "A Big Challenge." Staying awake right now is a big challenge, yo. Parents talk uncomfortably. Holly's mom tries to talk to MamaTheo about how this must be a (get it?) "big challenge," since they've been estranged for so long. MamaTheo mumbles something in reply, and I really feel bad for her -- and not only because she has Theo for a son. "It's far worse than anything I'd ever imagined," cracks DaddyMsaada, breaking the uncomfortable silence. The parents are sent back out to the stage and we get another shot of the tally board, full of stars. Another thing I don't understand is that with obviously other questions having been asked, those last three were the best of the lot?! Anyway, back to the "game." "In their younger years, what nickname did you have for your child?" "Holly ho-ho," says MamaHolly. Exactly. Man, was there ever a truer nickname? Holly doesn't match, in case you're keeping score at home…which would not only be impossible, but truly pathetic. Laterrian matches with "John Henry." Theo's mom says, "I just said 'Theo.'" Ooooh. That's so sad. What's sadder is that Theo guesses "Teddy." Mommy doesn't remember your nickname, Theo. James's mom talks about a fishing technique that lead James to be called "The Whacker." James is psyched that they matched! "What is your child's greatest fear?" "Failure," matches DaddyMsaada. Holly is afraid of the dark. James is afraid of failure, as is Laterrian. Kathryn, flying. So everyone matches, except for Theo. Theo's mom guesses "not being famous," while Theo answers, "being alone." Ow. That is kinda sad…as the poignant music and Theo close-up informs us.
MayorSteve announces the end of the game by saying, "I'd love to say we're done…" Yeah, me too, Steve. He goes on to say that there is one more "piece of this puzzle," for which they have to go to another location. What "puzzle"? This isn't a puzzle. Stupid-ass. As they all leave, we see that they now have four points. Why? I haven't a clue.
Theo floats that he's not sure if he's ready to try to repair his mama relationship at this point. He goes on to say that James recently told him to "sack up" and do it. We get a black-and-white, for some reason, flashback in the Shasta as James waxes stupid at Theo about how he used to fight with his brother but now gets along with him. He says this all proudly, as if this isn't exactly how sibling relationships naturally work. James thinks he's the Oprah of the Shasta alla sudden. I refuse to repeat the inane advice James spouts about not holding onto anger, etc. It's just that profound. Theo floats that he doesn't know how he feels. The kids walk onto a big field where a crane is set up. MayorSteve announces that the kids are going to bungee, but with a twist: "You gotta get your parent to jump with you." Slo-mo shot of MamaTheo looking nervous. Something else about how they'll get a token for each team that jumps, giving them a possible total of ten. Sure. Whatever. DaddyMsaada says, "Jumping off of a tower, a hundred feet, as an adult, is not an intelligent thing to do." He's funny. Kathryn embarrasses her mom by admitting to the world on mom's behalf that she has a "loose bladder." "But it's worth a thousand bucks," Kathryn adds. "So's my life," quips MamaJames. "It couldn't be that hard," says Theo to his mom, as he then voice-overs that he doesn't think his mom's going to jump. MamaTheo says something about a slipped disc. Theo is a slipped disc. MamaTheo looking nervous. Slo-mo nervous. Biting fingernails nervous. Glancing nervously. Dramatic music. Commercial. Thank the Lord.
Does anybody hope that this 2GE+HER show fails as miserably as I do? It's insidious to me that MTV sucks the dicks of these boy bands, and then turns around and makes fun of them, and badly. Ooh, there's Holly. "Sixty-six please." All Scaryteeth. Is it wrong that I like to turn the sound down and imagine she's saying, "Sixty-nine please"? It is? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Back to the bungee field, where the parents slowly announce they'll do the jump. Theo is still trying to convince his mama, pulling the God card. "Just let God just take you down." God or, you know, gravity. Either one. Theo's mom is worried about her back. "It's just the jerk on the disc." Heh: she said "jerk." Man, I swear the B/M editing staff needs to chill with all the multi-screens. For no reason! They don't help. They don't make things visually interesting. They in fact just cause headaches. Kathryn tries to assure MamaTheo that they would tell her honestly if it's going to hurt her back. MamaTheo looks away, reeling from the foul stench of sin coming off the deceptively sweet-looking Kathryn. MamaLaterrian tells the camera that she is nervous. and Laterrian makes her hold out her shaking hand and laughs. MamaTheo looks straight into the camera and says, "I usually don't get any higher than a six-foot ladder without getting nauseated and passing out. So those are concerns." Wow. I see where Theo gets his gift of gab. MamaTheo really is a trippy trippy lady. She's kinda funny, in a very Theo sort of totally unfunny way.
So MayorSteve announces that it's time. and the first team, Rosemary and James, get on the lift. "Aw Jim, I don't want to do this," says MamaJames, tripping out. For some reason James is wearing a nametag that reads, "Msaada." Will the visual enigmas in this show ever stop? So James, who remember was supposedly so afraid of heights in the first episode, is now trying to calm his mother, who keeps saying how much she does not want to do this. The lift keeps raising and we see that they are strapped together, so that mother and son will plummet to the earth a mere inches apart. It's kinda creepy, when you think about it. Rosemary keeps swearing and nearly crying and telling James to "shut up." At the top, she makes "Jim" wait and not leave until she's ready. She's really terrified, but she goes and they drop backwards, almost immediately being yanked back up by the cord. The kids get one more point. James goes floaty: "Your mother, your first eighteen years, holds you and kinda tells you that it's going to be okay. And then, this is one of the first times I remember myself holding my mom and, you know, she being scared and me being brave and, uh, telling her it's going to be all right." This is kind of sweet, and it is also the most words in a row James has ever gotten out without a single "dude." You know the "dude" count is going to be way low with the parents around. After the jump, James's mom says she's glad she got the chance to jump with her son. "Making a memory…that's what life is all about." For the last nine weeks, I've been making a memory, of this show. A memory that will no doubt haunt me for the rest of my days. I can imagine running into Theo or James in a Starbucks one day and just decking them for the hours of misery. And would you really blame me?
So Holly and Sherry get ready to do the tandem bungee; they prepare by doing their patented Scaryteeth warm-up. They jump without speaking as we get shots of the other parents looking up worriedly. Holly has really been relegated to Msaada-minutes in terms of screen time and story-line time. I miss her. We all miss her. Did you ever think that would happen? Could you have even conceived of a time where Holly's presence would be missed? I know. It's astounding. Up go Msaada and Leslie as the multi-shots show the kids singing a incomprehensible "Msaada" song with hand gestures and everything. After jumping, Leslie says, "There was a moment, of some pleasure," which is oddly enough what my last date said to me. (Buh-Bing!!!) Linda and Kathryn are up and they wave from the top to what has now become a huge group of kids watching. Seriously. I think there are more people down there then there were to watch David sing the national anthem at that hockey game on The Real World the other night. "This is nuts," says the very cute and smiley MamaKathryn as they fall back and complete their jump. The team now has eight points total, again for you losers at home with the scorecards. Later, Kathryn tells the camera, "My mom believes there should be a Road Rules for senior citizens." "I'm not a senior citizen," corrects MamaKathryn. Hee. Laterrian and Cynthia are up , and Cynthia is quite scared. "I can't do this," she says, and Laterrian totally ignores her and pushes off for the both of them. Okay. So as MayorSteve reminds us, there is only one team left and we get very unflattering shots of Theo's mom slack-jawedly staring up at the crane. Kathryn tells some Bungee Guy that MamaTheo has herself a slipped disc. "Is it a jerk?" asks MamaTheo. Bungee Guy tells her that she won't even feel it and to just go. The Bungee Boss quickly throws a rock at Bungee Guy that reads "Possible Lawsuit!" so he then adds, "Uh…well, you kinda gotta make your own decision about that." The crowd of kids and parents stand surrounding her. Well, looks like she's going, and the bungee guys strap them in. "We're gonna be shackled together," says MamaTheo. "It's cool, man," replies Theo, pretty much recreating the three-page Arkadina/Treplev scene from Chekhov's The Seagull, in only two sentences. Then as they lift off the ground, she says, "I'm not really very happy about this, Theo." Ha. She's also very scared so she closes her eyes and they go. Unfortunately, the cord breaks and Theo and his mother fall to their deaths, taking out Bunim and Murray, who unwisely chose that day to finally come to the set and see what's up with that show they no longer have time for. Actually…everyone's fine, and after the jump, Theo floats, saying, "I think it kind of, like, gave us, like, a little, like, a, a little stair-step of friendship there. It meant a lot to me. It was nice." A wordsmith to the end. After the jump, everyone is congratulating Theo and MamaTheo, and she looks happy and way more animated than we've seen her in the whole episode.
Okay -- now this, folks, this revelation is ten times more embarrassing to admit than my Holly fetish, so please either scroll ahead or promise not to laugh. When MamaTheo tells the camera, "It was great to have that experience of togetherness with my son," I get misty. I do. I can't help it. Damn. Damn. Oh B/M, I'm going to get you. Someday. You just wait. She goes on, "In a way we were together as one unit…falling through the skies." And the worst part is that right as she finishes talking, Theo puts his arm around her and she kisses him on the cheek. Damn. Excuse me…I'll be right back…
I'm better now, thanks. MayorSteve gives the kids ten tokens (worth a thousand bucks each), and then proceeds to hand out gifts to the parents as well. The parents are all excited and they open the wrapper to find…framed photos of their kids. "Fucking great," they seem to be thinking. "We just jumped off a fucking crane! At least give us a DVD player. Fucking video-capture picture in a K-mart frame? Eat me, B/M. Eat me raw." Well, at least that's what I would say. Theo earns fifty bucks from B/M by voice-overing how his mom hasn't had a picture of him in over a year, so this is a really great present. For some reason we get six, yes SIX, screen images of the stupid framed Theo photo as His Hickness says, "Let's go hang out with our moms, yo." Theo's the yo.
Restaurant. Theo and MamaTheo/James and MamaJames eating. Graphic of Stupid reads, "Okay With It." Quick montage of what looks like a rather uncomfortable dining experience as Theo voice-over babbles about how good it was to see his mom, and how he's getting older and realizing they don't have a lot in common, and that he's learning new things and he's going to let time take its course, but it was good to see her and she looked good and she was happy to get to see him too. Basically he really says nothing, which for once is okay, as this kind of stuff is hard and not necessarily solvable with one tandem bungee jump. We see Theo and his mom hug and say goodbye at her hotel room door as he continues to voice-over-yodel about how he has an emotional hole in him in terms of affection, but "those scars are being healed every day." And…freeze on Theo's face, like the end of an episode of CHiPs or something.
up on Road Rules…Kathryn drives and Holly looks on as Kathryn tells James, "You have a silver spoon up your ass." James responds angrily, bringing up the fact that Kathryn is in a swank sorority and warning her to never say that he has a silver spoon up his ass. Hmmmm. Something tells me he's heard that one before. Cut to a Monster Truck race. An instructor tells the kids that they'll be disqualified if they hit the wall or anything else. Shot of a truck almost tipping over and "announcers" saying, "Oh, that hurt!" It sure did.
Over the credits, Laterrian his mom stand together as she tells the camera that she watches Road Rules, and that she asked Laterrian not to do anything to embarrass her. Oooooh, you're a few episodes too late, lady. Now on Kathryn and LooseBladderMama, who says that she would have liked to be on the game show earlier when Kathryn was younger -- when she had more control over her. , Twin Scaryteeth as MamaHolly says, "I love her anyway. She's a pretty wonderful person." Holly-ho-ho fucking cracks up and says that it's her mom's favorite line, "I love her anyway." Now Msaada and DaddyMsaada. He says, "Lemme say that I'm a Christian, and if you guys are watching this, you're probably lost anyway. But it's not too late." Msaada runs away, she's laughing so hard. So now I like her whole family. I wish while he's down there he would go over and kick the shit out of B/M until they give Msaada more screen time. Short of early cancellation, that's the only thing that could make me happy at this point.