Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The "Dude"s
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 8 | Aired on 08.06.2000
So, they get the thing working and Kathryn takes off. Kathryn flies. Everyone waves. She waves. Now she voice-overs what we knew was coming, "Well, guess what? I'm up in the air, Tim is not in my headset -- there is no radio contact whatsoever." My question is this: why did B/M foreshadow the one exciting part of the mission so blatantly? My second question is this: how much you wanna bet they planned the radio going out? It just seems too convenient. Then again, I imagine if Kathryn freaked out and kamikazed the plane right into the Shasta, there might be a bit of a lawsuit to deal with, so perhaps the drama gods were simply on their side today. Anyway, as the B/M editors try yet another new trick, having the split screen multi-shots not be exactly in sync, Tim tries the radio again and again. His calmness here makes me think it is indeed all bullshit. Similarly with Kathryn's calmness. Kathryn voice-overs that she decided to go ahead and drop her bombs, so she does, also getting eighty points. Msaada and Laterrian remark on how well she's doing. "She's doing so well," says Laterrian, echoing what he said to himself in that T.G.I. Friday's bathroom the other night. Floaty Kathryn says that she knows she has to land, and that she remembers reading that you have to land into the wind, lest the plane flip over and you are "drug [sic], like an animal." I do have to say she is doing pretty well not to freak out here. Thumbs-up, Kathryn! You're aces, baby! Anyway, she starts to land, and Tim is yelling ineffectually into the radio and it's all very dramatic…and we cut to commercial as I'm still thinking two things: that being "drug" like an animal makes little sense, and that it actually kinda sounded like she said "enema," which makes me giggle straight into the break.
Ah!!! No!!! The Route Sixty-Six Jeans elevator commercial featuring the kids. I love how Holly says, all crazy Scaryteeth, "Sixty-six please," with the kids all smiling and nodding in the background. And then they're all running across the dunes towards the Shasta and Kathryn doesn't get a close-up and it's all very "lively" and "fun" and it absolutely cements the fact that, while I wouldn't in the first place, I absolutely shall never purchase jeans from K-Mart as long as I live. My new favorite RR commercial comes on also, and that's for Priority Records' compilation album, "Nuthin' But A Gangsta Party." In stores now, y'all. In stores now.
Okay, we're back, and Kathryn plummets into the ground and explodes into a giant fireball which ignites Theo's jacket and Holly's white girl Afro-puffs, and everyone but Msaada dies a hideous screaming death. No, of course not. (And nor would I want that to happen, sillies!) So, Kathryn lands, at one point nearly flipping over, and doesn't scream or cry or anything -- to her credit and my surprise. Could you imagine the same thing happening to Amaya? She fucking freaked and made them call the ambulance when she inhaled a little exhaust. Okay, Kathryn did well. No, Msaada! She says, "You were high, dude!" I told you, Msaada is catching the "dude" disease, which is probably worse than the Blue Cheek Star disease in purely medical terms. They all talk about how scary it was, and Kathryn voice-overs that it was her biggest fear and she overcame it well. "So," she says to the camera. "Road Master: suck my (beep). Ha! Okay, that was great. Kathryn is cool again. (Yes, just like that. I'm fickle. Sue me.) Holly takes off, and for some fucking reason they've let Theo have control of the walkie-talkie on the ground. That's like letting a monkey drive a bus -- which would be pretty funny, actually. The monkey would be all honking the horn and flipping you off and shit. "Is there anything close by that you might have a chance to hit?" says Theo. Holly gets nothing, then forty, and is quickly shown landing. Why is Holly suddenly getting no play whatsoever? Does B/M just hate her now ever since her blow-up at the cameraman? And if so, why are they instead making her appear charming and cute and friendly in her lessened screen time? B/M, you mysterious bitches! So Theo yells his Theoism from the opening section as Msaada takes off. Theo tells Msaada that he can't understand her on the walkie, fucking around, as Msaada proceeds to drop her balloons. Wow. She hits two bulls-eyes for a hundred points each! Damn. I will not say it. I will not say it. I will not… You Go, Girl!!! Damn. I said it. Msaada lands, and Theo shows her a little hoe-down. (Hey, when Kathryn finally landed she was a "ho down." Boo, I know. I couldn't help it.) So it's Theo's turn to shine, and on the ground James and Laterrian do some high concept comedy, imitating the "Waaassaaap!" guys via the walkie-talkie. Theo throws his first balloon, splashing Holly's face with purple paint. To her credit, Holly just smiles and wipes it off. (Inside Stee's head: "Do I make the joke about Holly being used to wiping stuff off of her face? Nooooo. Better not.") Theo voice-overs that due to the team's low score, he thinks his best shot is to "bomb the citizens of this field, here." So he throws his second balloon and Msaada looks up, paint on her face, looking lovely and laughing. Theo lands and hugs Kathryn. Timmy comes over and presents the kids with their six coins (what was the point system about, exactly, since the goal was simply to get all six flying?) Oh, it was for the high score, and for that, Msaada gets her reward: a plastic trophy. A plastic trophy??? A fucking plastic fucking trophy? Msaada says thank you and smiles, but what she should really do is jam the plastic piece of shit in Mayor Timmy's eye. The kids walk off, thanking a suddenly huge number of people, and drive away in the Shasta.
Shasta. Hawaiian music playing, incongruously. Theo says, "I want to introduce y'all to the great taste of Louisiana." Luckily, he doesn't unzip his pants as he says this. Theo floats that his insides are "stirry, kinda," because Mandy is meeting him in Lake Charles and he hasn't seen her in a while. Many shows up at some hotel room with a rose, and the two kiss and hug. She is quite lovely and sweet. Theo floats and Theo-rizes something about a person coming into your life and looking through a peephole. He and Mandy kiss on a bed, and they babble about stuff and kiss and she says, "You're here, and it's like, I know that like, you're Theo and you're my boyfriend." She goes on to say that he's changing and "sometimes [he'll] say things and it's like, God, I wouldn't have thought he'd say that." Yeah, join the club, sister. More stuff about feeling distant and how she's opening up her heart, and Theo soothes her masterfully with, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. That's just the way that things are." Oh, you Lothario. Lothar-Theo. The next morning (I guess, whatever), James and Theo are in the Shasta, and Theo says that his brother is in a rehab center and he wants to visit him. He's been in there for eight months without a visitor, he says. Jesus. Eight months. Even Robert Downey Jr. had, like, Todd Bridges and Stephen Baldwin and shit visiting him. Theo voice-overs that his brother did too much drinking and was sent by the police to a rehab center as we see a sign that reads, "Cenikor. A Chance For Change." Theo shows up at the sterile Cenikor and says "Wassup?" to his brother, who looks creepy in a tie and suspenders. From his audition tape, Theo talks about how mean his brother used to be to him when he was drinking. The two sit on a creepy sofa and have a creepy conversation about stuff as Theo creepily eats. Theo says he's going to Alabama next year, and Drunkbro asks why Theo keeps moving around. Theo explains that Mandy is going to Alabama, and that she cares about him even though he was bad to her and smooched other girls. So Drunkbro gets all Drunkcounselor on him and starts questioning creepily if he was drunk when he kissed the other girls. Luckily, Theo doesn't pick up on the bait and that creepy line of questioning creepily dies. "I'm just trying to give you some advice," says Creepydrunkbro, trailing off into I'm-Sober-But-Miserableland. "I know you are, dude," replies UncomfortableTheo. Theo voice-overs that it's good to see Zef (?) even for a few hours because it gives him "a few more pieces to work with." The Creepybrothers hug creepily at the door and say "I love you" to each other. Creepybro then says, walking away, "We'll go fishin'." Woo-hoo! Fishin' with the Creepydrunkbro. Awesome.