Episode Report Card Cindy McLennan: N/A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sex, Lies and Videotape
By Cindy McLennan | Season 1 | Episode 15 | Aired on 02.28.2012
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Andrew proposes to Bridget-as-Shiv -- with a Ring Pop. Remember those? Hey, lay off. He just gave her a huge rock a few episodes ago. Besides, they're already married. Well, he is. He wants to renew their vows. When Bridget gets a load of herself in the bridal boutique mirror wearing some ill-fitting gown, her inner SMG rises up and says, "This wedding is off. Seriously people, I'm like a size 0. How can you not dress me better?" Fine, that doesn't happen at all, but leave me my fantasies, all right?
Bridget, as we know, is smitten with Andrew. She wants to be herself with him, but Malcolm is digging up dirt on Martin/Charles while Henry is being an even bigger Tool Belt than usual. Sister just needs some time to breathe. When she is clearly not into their wedding plans, Andrew thinks she's giving him the old, "It's not you, it's me..." excuse. She sort of is, but not in any way that means she doesn't want him.
Meanwhile, Juliet gets an attack of conscience about Tessa and the whole Let's-Scam-Daddy scam. It's different. She has a soul now! Catherine, who is not thus burdened, is having an affair with Mr. "Logan Echolls" Carpenter, but since the previews that ran last week spoiled us on that -- and of course because it's so predictable -- this entire plot is yawn-worthy. At least the writers try to distract us with shirtless Jason Dohring, and then later, with Jason Dohring wearing only a bath towel.
Before the close of the hour, Catty takes Logan's money and in its place leaves a video of him partying with Tessa and Juliet, along with a threatening note. She also (seemingly) quiets Juliet. In other news, Catherine hands a wad of cash to a mystery person in an SUV and scolds said person for beating Tessa to a pulp, rather than just roughing her up. Part of me wants the mystery person to be Bodaway Macawi -- because let your freak flag fly, Show. That said, I'm pretty sure if it is Macawi, I will have to devote an entire weecap to excoriating you for turning your Teflon mobster into a two-bit thug.
By episode's end, Bridget and Andrew have a sweet scene together, in which she reassures him her love is real (even if nothing else about her is). She also breaks it to him that Olivia has turned their business into a Ponzi scheme. It's then that Andrew reveals the Ponzi scheme was his idea. Dun dun dun.
Now, I'm sorry, my delectable little Welsh Rarebit, but you are not going to turn out to be all that bad, and we know it. You'll just be bad enough to merit your surely ensuing gratitude to your "wife" for standing by you. Said gratitude will be so profound, that when you learn Nice Buffy isn't Shiv, but rather Bridget, you'll get over the fact that she is a recovering junkie/ex-stripper/possible prostitute who assumed her presumed-to-be dead sister's life, and duped you for however long. You can then live as Mr. and Mrs. Buffy Gruffudd, forevermore, but probably only in fan fiction. Sorry Ringlets, but seriously, how is this show not Extreme-Dead-Guy-In-Aura's-Locker dead?
In other news, Shiv is expecting twins, but that, and their probably paternity was already spoiled in last week's previews, too. She is also having memories of her wedding night with Andrew. Tool Belt is toolier than ever. Olivia fires Malcolm for snooping into her computer files, gets texts from the mysterious Xerxes and continues to feed on the blood of the living.
I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we only allow video of Logan Echolls partying with underage girls if they're from Veronica Mars.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hi Ringlets. Welcome back. Speaking of backs, mine is down for the count this week, so this is going to be a rather quick and dirty weecap. I'm sorry about that. I can't sit up for long and I can't type while I'm lying down. I'm going to tell the story in related chunks, so it's less than chronological. I'll try to hit all the major details, though. You ready? Okay.
Shiv is back in Paris. During a doctor's appointment, she learns she's having twins. Her expected due date is a few weeks off from what she anticipated. "I conceived in mid-August." The doctor disagrees and assures her his estimate is accurate to within a day or two. It seems Andrew could be the father of his actual wife's children. Oh, no! Later, on the phone, it seems for a second that she might come clean with Tool Belt.
Shiv: But c'mon, this is me. Instead, I only reveal I am expecting twins.
Recapper: I'd feel sorry for him, if he weren't such a Tool Belt.
Audience: Word. Did you see how chuffed he was with that, "I'm two for two," business? Conventional wisdom is that identical twins are a fluke. Fraternal twins happen when the mother releases more than one egg during a cycle and they both get fertilized. Either way, the only thing Tool Belt is good at is sleeping with women who will conceive twins.
Recapper: And I doubt he's great at that, either.
Recapper's Mother: Do you think it's going to turn out that Andrew is the father of one kid and Tool Belt is the father of the other?
Recapper: I sure hope so! I can't decide if that due date stuff is a misdirect so that we won't expect it or if it's meant to confirm that only Andrew could be the father. I'm a little afraid we'll never know, because the show's ratings remain in the cellar.
Recapper's Mother: Well, the acting is good, but...
Recapper: I know, Mum. But I also know what other soap we both watch. This show is a soap. If anything, it's not over-the-top enough.
Andrew and Bridget come home from a night out with friends. They hear a woman screaming, but when they follow the sounds to the living room, Bridget realizes the screams are coming from the TV, which is magically playing her favorite movie -- Summer Camp Slasher. It looks like something SMG might have starred in back in the '90s. Andrew has arranged a movie night. He's even brought in a commercial popcorn cart and a tray full of concession stand candy. Additionally, he presents her with yet another ring and a proposal that they renew their vows.