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Andrew proposes to Bridget-as-Shiv -- with a Ring Pop. Remember those? Hey, lay off. He just gave her a huge rock a few episodes ago. Besides, they're already married. Well, he is. He wants to renew their vows. When Bridget gets a load of herself in the bridal boutique mirror wearing some ill-fitting gown, her inner SMG rises up and says, "This wedding is off. Seriously people, I'm like a size 0. How can you not dress me better?" Fine, that doesn't happen at all, but leave me my fantasies, all right?
Bridget, as we know, is smitten with Andrew. She wants to be herself with him, but Malcolm is digging up dirt on Martin/Charles while Henry is being an even bigger Tool Belt than usual. Sister just needs some time to breathe. When she is clearly not into their wedding plans, Andrew thinks she's giving him the old, "It's not you, it's me..." excuse. She sort of is, but not in any way that means she doesn't want him.
Meanwhile, Juliet gets an attack of conscience about Tessa and the whole Let's-Scam-Daddy scam. It's different. She has a soul now! Catherine, who is not thus burdened, is having an affair with Mr. "Logan Echolls" Carpenter, but since the previews that ran last week spoiled us on that -- and of course because it's so predictable -- this entire plot is yawn-worthy. At least the writers try to distract us with shirtless Jason Dohring, and then later, with Jason Dohring wearing only a bath towel.
Before the close of the hour, Catty takes Logan's money and in its place leaves a video of him partying with Tessa and Juliet, along with a threatening note. She also (seemingly) quiets Juliet. In other news, Catherine hands a wad of cash to a mystery person in an SUV and scolds said person for beating Tessa to a pulp, rather than just roughing her up. Part of me wants the mystery person to be Bodaway Macawi -- because let your freak flag fly, Show. That said, I'm pretty sure if it is Macawi, I will have to devote an entire weecap to excoriating you for turning your Teflon mobster into a two-bit thug.
By episode's end, Bridget and Andrew have a sweet scene together, in which she reassures him her love is real (even if nothing else about her is). She also breaks it to him that Olivia has turned their business into a Ponzi scheme. It's then that Andrew reveals the Ponzi scheme was his idea. Dun dun dun.
Now, I'm sorry, my delectable little Welsh Rarebit, but you are not going to turn out to be all that bad, and we know it. You'll just be bad enough to merit your surely ensuing gratitude to your "wife" for standing by you. Said gratitude will be so profound, that when you learn Nice Buffy isn't Shiv, but rather Bridget, you'll get over the fact that she is a recovering junkie/ex-stripper/possible prostitute who assumed her presumed-to-be dead sister's life, and duped you for however long. You can then live as Mr. and Mrs. Buffy Gruffudd, forevermore, but probably only in fan fiction. Sorry Ringlets, but seriously, how is this show not Extreme-Dead-Guy-In-Aura's-Locker dead?
In other news, Shiv is expecting twins, but that, and their probably paternity was already spoiled in last week's previews, too. She is also having memories of her wedding night with Andrew. Tool Belt is toolier than ever. Olivia fires Malcolm for snooping into her computer files, gets texts from the mysterious Xerxes and continues to feed on the blood of the living.
I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we only allow video of Logan Echolls partying with underage girls if they're from Veronica Mars.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hi Ringlets. Welcome back. Speaking of backs, mine is down for the count this week, so this is going to be a rather quick and dirty weecap. I'm sorry about that. I can't sit up for long and I can't type while I'm lying down. I'm going to tell the story in related chunks, so it's less than chronological. I'll try to hit all the major details, though. You ready? Okay.
Shiv is back in Paris. During a doctor's appointment, she learns she's having twins. Her expected due date is a few weeks off from what she anticipated. "I conceived in mid-August." The doctor disagrees and assures her his estimate is accurate to within a day or two. It seems Andrew could be the father of his actual wife's children. Oh, no! Later, on the phone, it seems for a second that she might come clean with Tool Belt.
Shiv: But c'mon, this is me. Instead, I only reveal I am expecting twins.
Recapper: I'd feel sorry for him, if he weren't such a Tool Belt.
Audience: Word. Did you see how chuffed he was with that, "I'm two for two," business? Conventional wisdom is that identical twins are a fluke. Fraternal twins happen when the mother releases more than one egg during a cycle and they both get fertilized. Either way, the only thing Tool Belt is good at is sleeping with women who will conceive twins.
Recapper: And I doubt he's great at that, either.
Recapper's Mother: Do you think it's going to turn out that Andrew is the father of one kid and Tool Belt is the father of the other?
Recapper: I sure hope so! I can't decide if that due date stuff is a misdirect so that we won't expect it or if it's meant to confirm that only Andrew could be the father. I'm a little afraid we'll never know, because the show's ratings remain in the cellar.
Recapper's Mother: Well, the acting is good, but...
Recapper: I know, Mum. But I also know what other soap we both watch. This show is a soap. If anything, it's not over-the-top enough.
Andrew and Bridget come home from a night out with friends. They hear a woman screaming, but when they follow the sounds to the living room, Bridget realizes the screams are coming from the TV, which is magically playing her favorite movie -- Summer Camp Slasher. It looks like something SMG might have starred in back in the '90s. Andrew has arranged a movie night. He's even brought in a commercial popcorn cart and a tray full of concession stand candy. Additionally, he presents her with yet another ring and a proposal that they renew their vows.
This time, the bling is a Ring Pop and only slightly larger than the boulder Andrew gave Bridget for his sixth anniversary with Siobhan. He's trying to recreate a specific scenario. "A couple of months ago, you said it was one of your most romantic memories. Seventh grade -- you and Timmy McPenkow sneaking into a midnight screening of Summer Camp Slasher and he gave you..." Bridget smiles, "A candy ring." Andrew says, "It's getting harder to find ways to impress you, so I thought I'd recycle one from your past." Bridget looks sheepish. "I have a confession to make. That wasn't me. It was my sister's story. I know it's stupid. I was so envious, I pretended it was me."
Audience: So wait, whose story was it? That is, did Shiv tell Andrew that story and Bridget is trying to carve out a little of her own identity, or did Bridget tell Andrew Shiv's story as though it were her own? Or did Bridget tell Andrew her own story and now she's trying to keep her past straight from Shiv's?
Bridget: Don't ask me. I barely know which way is up these days.
Andrew: The point is, I'm proposing. Siobhan, will you marry me? Again?
Audience, Recapper and Bridget: Yes!
When the couple announces to Juliet that they're renewing their vows, Bridget asks Juliet to be her Maid of Honor. Um, she isn't really up to any aspect of that honorific, B. How about Person of Interest? Juliet is charmed despite herself. "Old people are weird, but you're also really cute." Later, Bridget does some wedding shopping, but she's having "I've Gotta Be Me" feelings when the bridal consultant tries to recreate Shiv's look from the Martins' first wedding.
Bridget: I'm not the same woman who married Andrew six years ago. If I'm going to marry him again, he has to know that.
Audience: Well, yeah. Also that gown couldn't look worse on you.
Imaginary SMG: Seriously, I'm like a size 0. I shouldn't be this hard to dress.
Ringer Writers: SMG is instrumental in picking wardrobe on #RINGER
Imaginary SMG: Lies! It's all lies! I'm calling my imaginary lawyer!
Imaginary Reem Acra: Did you not hear the bridal consultant? Reem Acra is a classic.
Recapper: Hey, I'm not getting paid to review your whole line, but you ought to be able to find a gown more flattering to that tiny wisp of a woman.
Imaginary Vera Wang: It's not that hard.
Buffy Fans: Thanks for the memories.
Meanwhile, Malcolm is snooping around everywhere. While helping Henry "Tool Belt" Butler re-install software on his home computer, Malcolm finds a receipt from a moving company. It's for clearing out Shiv's secret office. Later, when Bridget confronts Tool Belt about this, he covers pretty well, saying it was an office he paid for and they (he and Shiv) shared. He delights in pretending Bridget is Shiv and in being a jerk to Nice Buffy.
Tool Belt: Because I'm an enormous Tool Belt, I taunt her with the key chain and tell her that her stuff is in storage, but getting it is not my priority.
Audience: There aren't tools enough for your beltage.
At Martin/Charles Vampiress Olivia trades fake niceties with Andrew, over his impending vow renewal. Once she's alone, she gets a text from "Xerxes." It reads: "Hearing murmurs. There's a mole at Martin/Charles." Malcolm almost gets caught snooping around the Martin/Charles computers. First, Claudine sees him at Olivia's desk, but she's more interested in telling him that Andrew and Shiv are going to renew their vows. Malcolm is not amused. Olivia enters , but when she questions Mal, he claims he's just doing some routine maintenance. Olivia is immediately suspicious, but doesn't take action at first.
When Mal goes to see Bridget, he tells her she can't marry Andrew because he's a crook. Via flashback, we learn that Mal talked to one of Martin/Charles' potential investors, who told him the growth projections were too good to be true. Bridget gets defensive. Malcolm reminds her that Henry pulled his funds out. Bridget is all, "Yeah, but he's a Tool Belt." Via another flashback, we see Henry try to downplay his concerns about Martin/Charles. In doing so, he reveals that Arbogast just invested in them. Bridget is shaken, because she thought Andrew had backed off that idea. When Bridget realizes Malcolm is operating mostly on a hunch, she gets testy with him on Andrew's behalf. They have a little sponsor spat. Malcolm storms out of Park Ave.
Andrew keeps trying to get Bridget to firm up a date for their vow renewal. She keeps hedging. During chitchat she feels him out about landing Arbogast. He tells her he backed off, but Olivia didn't. He admits that Olivia plays as though the rules don't apply to her.
After office hours, Malcolm uses his masculine wiles on Claudine to get back into Olivia's computer. He downloads some files onto a USB stick that he hides in his shoe. Seconds later, Olivia catches him in her office and has security escort him out. When he sees Bridget the day, he tells her he was fired on the spot. He shows Bridget his findings, in a particularly yawn-worthy scene. The files he's found strongly indicate Martin/Charles is not on the up and up. The good news, he thinks, is that it seems Olivia is the dirty partner.
At some point, Bridget goes to Martin/Charles and prints out a copy of Olivia's schedule. Olivia catches her with it, but Bridget lies that she's collecting everyone's schedules to help narrow down a date for the vow renewal. Malcolm later uses the schedule when he follows the Vampiress to a sketchy accountant's office. Bridget is supposed to go with him, but she can't because Andrew surprises her by bringing in a wedding planner. Bridget is overwhelmed, mostly because she wants to actually marry Andrew rather than renew Shiv's vows, but she can't tell him that. She's also a little shaken by Malcolm's concerns about Martin/Charles. Andrew is hurt that she needs more time and disturbed when she confesses to having anxiety and doubts. She tries to tell him her doubts aren't about him, but he still has trust issues and I guess he should. They leave off in an uncomfortable place. Poor little smitten kittens.
Tool Belt texts Shiv in Paris and tells her that Andrew and Bridget-as-Shiv are renewing "their" vows. Siobhan flashes back to her own wedding night with Andrew. She seems warm and loving at first as they discuss their honeymoon. Once Andrew brings up having children, Shiv grows distant and reminds him she doesn't want children. When he asks why, she falls silent. He finally brings up the picture of her and Sean in her jewelry box. He came across it when he was borrowing one of her rings to use in getting her engagement ring sized. Shiv doesn't want to talk about it. Andrew is sad they can't even get through their wedding night without an argument. He tells her he's already lost one marriage to secrets and lies. He won't let it happen again.
After the flashback, Siobhan calls Henry. "New strategy." Henry's all, "So, I tell you that Andrew and your sister are getting married and the plan suddenly changes?" Shiv insists it has nothing to do with her feelings. It's just about the larger plan. She tells Tool Belt to bring Bridget the box containing their Martin/Charles research. He later does, and apologizes for being a jerk.
Malcolm calls Bridget to report that Olivia is at Wesson Accounting Partners. Bridget is just going through the Martin/Charles files she got from Henry. Wesson Accounting Partners used to work out of 227 Pratt Street. When Olivia exits Wesson, Malcolm cuts the call short to check out the place. It's a dingy little one man operation, not the sort of firm a successful operation like Martin/Charles would ever use -- at least not if they're on the up and up. He later reports back to Bridget. Martin/Charles must be using Wesson to cook the books. They're running a Ponzi scheme.
Juliet is convinced Mr. "Logan Echolls, not Adam" Carpenter is behind Tessa's beating and the NYPD is not far behind. Over the phone, Logan makes some vague "you'll be sorry" threats to Juliet. When Juliet later tells her mother about the threats and her suspicions, Catherine tries to talk her down, but Juliet is starting to wonder if the whole caper was worth it. Catty suggests they take off together, but Juliet says it's not a good time to leave, what with the vow renewals and all. Catty says she'll get Carpenter to back off. When she goes to see him, she acts all tough, but within moments they're making out, which is no surprise because last week's previews spoiled it. Later, when they're in bed together, Catherine complains that Juliet always chooses Andrew and the Ice Princess over her, but she still insists that Carpenter back off where Juliet is concerned.
Later, Juliet texts Catty and tells her that she's going to tell Andrew (presumably about the whole false assault accusation scheme). In a panic, Catty returns to Logan's place. He tells her to pack up while he takes all his money out of the bank. The writers are too fast and loose with how they treat cash in this show. I can't let myself get into it, but there's no way Logan could get all of his money that quickly, particularly without arousing suspicion. In our show thread, bmills gets into some of the issues. Anyhow, they pack up and head out of town, but stop at a motel after a few hours. Logan foolishly decides to take a quick shower, which leaves Catty alone with his suitcase full of cash. As soon as she hears the water, she's out the door with his share of the settlement. To keep Logan company, she left behind a video tape of him celebrating the scam with Tessa and Juliet. In the suitcase where his money once lived, Catty left a note: "If you EVER come anywhere NEAR my daughter, this video goes wide. And yes, I've made copies. P.S. You're an idiot." Don't be too glum, Logan. After watching this episode, I'm feeling pretty stupid, too. P.S. You Still Look Good In a Towel.
Juliet: When are these people going to respect that I get to say the episode title? Sheeesh.
Recapper: Hush, we're admiring Logan.
HoneyBee: [Carpenter's] name is Adam. I don't want to call him Logan, because Logan is awesome and Carpenter is a dumbass (please be shirtless more).
Recapper: He's still Logan to me -- just Logan with amnesia, hence the dumbassery.
ElectricBoogalo: I like the idea that Adam is just Logan with amnesia so that he's incapable of advanced scheming (the trust fund/rape trial was intermediate scheming), which is how Catherine was able to out-scheme Logan freaking Echolls. When he bumped his head and lost his memory, the only thing he could remember was something he'd said many years ago: "Please say high school English teacher, please say high school English teacher!" and his desire to have something other than an alpaca as a pet.
Recapper: *Marries above paragraph*
Anyhow, Catherine goes to see Juliet and tells her she will never hear from Carpenter, ever again. Juliet's all, "What do you mean?" Catty says, "Let's just say he got what he deserved for hurting Tessa." Juliet wants to give the money back to Andrew, but Catherine tries to talk her down. Juliet appears to go along with her mother, but I still think the kid is going to spill. Later, Catherine walks up to a car on the street, hands an unseen person a wad of cash and says, "I paid you to rough the girl up, not to beat her to a pulp."
Recapper: What are you paying for now, Catty? And who are you paying? Why can't we see?
Catherine: Muahahahahahaha.
Meanwhile, Olivia gets another text from that Xerxes. It reads: "Malcolm Ward wasn't the guy. The mole is in Paris." The mole must be Tyler Boytoy, yes?
Back at Park Ave. Bridget and Andrew make up. She explains that she wants to marry him with all her heart. She just doesn't want it to be like last time. She wants it to be "like the first time." She doesn't want to rush things. She then talks to him about Olivia's dirty dealings, and promises she will stand by him as he cleans up the whole mess. We close on Andrew saying, "Siobhan, the Ponzi scheme wasn't Olivia's idea. It was mine." Grr arrgh.
I'll be back Wednesday morning with my recaplet of "You're Way Too Pretty To Go To Jail." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where we only allow video of Logan Echolls partying with underage girls, if they're from Veronica Mars.
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