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Welcome back, Ringlets. I have to confess, I didn't come up with "Ringlets" on my own. The Ringer writers live-tweeted during the show last night, and used it. Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Faith taught me: "Want. Take. Have." I did and did and do. Now, I'm sharing with you. Let's get straight to the story, because we finally learn who Sean was, and how he's central to the rift between Mean Buffy and Nice Buffy.
However Many Years Ago: Siobhan has a relationship with Dylan (Misha Collins, Supernatural's Castiel). When she turns up pregnant, he turns out to be a deadbeat. Shiv gives birth to Sean. A couple of years later, Dylan decides he wants back in his son's life. Shiv is not the forgive-and-forget type, and probably had Dylan beaten up and run out of Tahoe at some point. (How far is Tahoe from Why-oh-Why Wyoming and Macawi's minions?) Still, Dylan persists in trying to be a father.
Bridget babysits Sean during the day, while Shiv works at a mystery job. Being Nice Buffy, when Dylan shows up with ticket to a big fair, Bridget agrees to let Sean go (she accompanies them), even though she knows Shiv would be displeased. On their way home from the fair, a car appears out of nowhere and crashes into Dylan's car. Sean is killed. When a sling-adorned Bridget shows up at Sean's funeral, Shiv severs their relationship.
Now: Bridget-as-Shiv gets confirmation that her annual floral delivery has been made to a woman in New Jersey, at that 1947 Main St. address (from last week). Bridget goes to check it out. The woman invites "Shiv" in, thanks her for the annual birthday flowers, but doesn't hide her surprise that "Shiv" is at her house. As Bridget looks around at her hostess's pictures, she realizes the woman must be Sean's grandma. Slightly freaked, she doesn't stay much longer. Later, Dylan poses as a floral delivery man, and returns the flowers to Park Ave. He and Bridget-as-Shiv have an uncomfortable exchange. He leaves. By episode's end, though, Bridget decides that since she's now Siobhan she should forgive Dylan, because she knows how bad it feels that Shiv never forgave her (Bridget) for her involvement in Sean's death. Nice Buffy is so nice.
Meanwhile, there's this whole big thing with Juliet's Wild Things plot. Tessa Troublemaker shows up at school in a $50,000.00 SUV. Juliet's all, "We were supposed to be discreet, yo." Tessa's all, "This is me being discreet. Don't worry. I'm keeping the rest of my $3,000,000.00 under the mattress." Juliet has a private word with Mr. Carpenter, who assures her he will "handle" it.
It's not long before someone beats the stuffing out of Tessa and takes all her money. Juliet is shaken. She visits the comatose Tessa at the hospital and meets her foster mother, who is sure Tessa must have been dealing drugs to end up with enough money to buy that car because, "Whores don't make that much." Juliet refrains from saying, "If I'm in an episode, I get to say the episode title, ya dig?!"
Juliet confronts Carpenter about beating up Tessa and taking her money. Carpenter seems totally shady as he denies his involvement. On this show, I think that means he's telling the truth. These people are usually only believable when they lie. Alone, Juliet makes a call to someone (who is not at all a mystery, but I'll play along for the moment, Show) and says, "Your plan is out of control." Later, Juliet meets this person and lays out the whole story to her (not a) mystery co-conspirator. The camera cuts to...her mom! Catherine, the people in our show thread had you pegged as the First Evil from the get-go.
There's much more, with Henry, Malcolm, a possible custody battle for Juliet (loser has to take her, I guess), and the whole crew. I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where members don't make that much.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Heya, everybody. I've not been shy about sharing that the hiatus adversely affected my enthusiasm for Ringer. This episode has aroused some of the pleasure I previously enjoyed in my guilty little pleasure show. The only problem is, I am so annoyed by the current public discourse on female sexuality, that I'm suffering an enormous hate-on for the official episode title. Between you, me, the lamppost and the world wide web, this episode will always be known to me by my homepage headline, "Buffy Versus Castiel." Get it. Got it? Good! Now the champagne is chilled. The bubble bath is bubbly. There are leftover Valentine chocolates on the vanity, right to the trashy magazines. I've surrounded the tub with candles, so we're bathed flattering light. Put your hair up, and sink deep down into the tub, and let's indulge. One. Two. Three. Plunge.
The consensus in our show thread is that we're tired of the opening segment, so I'm not wasting my time on it. Sorry, Boo-boo faced Buffy, but I'm fast forwarding. We open on Bridget showing Malcolm Shiv's secret Harlem office. In the two days since Bridget was there, the place has been cleared out. Bridget tells Malcolm about the key on the silver boat-shaped keyring, and about the woman's footprints Solomon found in the closet. Malcolm finds this worrisome, so he installs a tracking application on his cell phone and Bridget's. "Now we'll always be able to find each other." For a second, I think I'm writing about Once Upon A Time, because Prince Charming's big line to Snow White is, "I will always find you." Yes, the shows are totally different, but my writing times for them overlap, so I'm usually working on both shows at once. I have three kids home on vacation this week. And? Some of the main OUAT characters are named Henry, Emma, and Kathryn. On Ringer we have Henry, Gemma (RIP, Red), and Catherine. I get a little dizzy, is what I'm saying. Anyhow, Nice Buffy gives Malcolm a big thank you hug and tells him he's the best.
Over at Park Ave...
Andrew: I am dapper, darling and you don't really care about this financial mumbo jumbo I'm blathering into the phone. Just enjoy my me-ness.
Elevator: Ding!
Catherine: I'm here, and I might even be sober.
Ginormous Photographic Shrine to Shiv's Vanity: I'm just looming over everyone.
Catherine: So, ex-husband, how about I take our kid, you know -- the one whose baby pictures I burnt up -- in front of her -- just days ago. How about I take her back to Miami?
Title Card: I appear, so poor Andrew can regain the capacity for speech.
Commercials: We appear, so the network will have money to pay for the show, even though it's clearly not being spent on Buffy's wardrobe. Just wait 'til you see Bridget's top.
Show: I'm back, and we're still in Park Ave.
Andrew: Catherine, have you gone completely 'round the bend?
Catherine: You're a good father. And it kills me to say it, but Shiv suddenly seems like a good step-mom, almost as if she'd been replaced by a clone, but one who has a beating heart or something. Anyhow, in just the past few months, Juliet has been drugging, racking up DUIs, and getting sexually assaulted by her teacher. Now you've just given that teacher 10 million bucks.
Audience: Because you told him too, Mommy Drunkest.
Catherine: I haven't had a sip in days.
Andrew: Oh, clearly, that makes you fit, then.
Catherine: Juliet really liked Miami when she visited. I can enroll her in school there, and give her a fresh start.
Audience: Yes, because everyone better knows Miami by the name Temperance Town.
Andrew: No way, Jose.
Elevator: Now would be a good time to use me, Catherine.
Catherine: Fine. Andrew, just think about the last three months. Is New York the best place for our child?
Zachary Secor High School, Exterior.
Juliet: I'm just crossing the street, when I nearly get run over by this brand new SUV.
Tessa Troublemaker: Driven by me! What is up, bitches?
Recapper: Tessa, I'm really trying to avoid slurs against women, right now. It's girl power time. Buffy would tell you what I mean, but she's working undercover and is trying to be discreet.
Juliet: Um, Tessa, speaking of... We are supposed to be discreet with the money we just scammed out of my dad.
Tessa: I'm being totally discreet. I've still got three million hidden under my bed.
Juliet: Return the car. Tell your friends you stole it and ditched it.
Tessa: You are not the boss of me. On the up side, we can go back to hating each other.
Juliet: Already there.
Back at Park Ave.
Andrew: The attorney says, that given Juliet's recent history, we would have a fight on our hands, if Catherine decides to start a custody battle.
Bridget: Let's talk to Juliet about a new school.
Andrew: Juliet really likes Secor, especially since Mr. Carpenter is no longer there. Besides, a new school wouldn't be a fresh enough start for Catherine. This is all my fault. I've spent too much time at the office.
Audience: Well sure, when you were living with Real Siobhan. But now you have nice, warm, loving replacement Siobhan. You're going to pull this together, honey.
Bridget: You're an amazing father. Just kiss me, and everything will be all better.
Martin/Charles Financial.
Malcolm: I'm waiting for Andrew when he arrives. I have some techno blah blah to discuss with him. He brings me to his office, but Henry "Tool Belt" Butler is already waiting there.
Audience: Look at Tool Belt's douche-scarf.
Recapper: Did you not read the opening paragraph? I am not going to use words with a feminine connotation as slurs -- not even against Tool Belt.
Audience: You're the reason we can't have nice things.
Andrew: Malcolm, meet Henry. Henry meet Malcolm. I'll be with you in a moment, Mal.
Malcolm: I won't use the slur, but the audience is not wrong about that scarf. I'll be listening outside, though.
Tool Belt: So Andrew, give me all my money back.
Andrew: What's this now?
Tool Belt: My money. Want it back. Now. A mutual friend says you're a crook. Ridiculous I know. I'm not going to give you his name, because I don't want to embarrass him, and because he is a she, and she is your real wife. The thing is, if you've been sleeping with Bridget for all this time, and don't know she's not Shiv, I'm thinking you're not the sharpest tool on the belt.
Audience: Shut up, Henry. At least Andrew isn't the entire belt!
Tool Belt: Anyhow that guy I'm claiming is our mutual friend, but who is really the woman who is your real wife, and not your friend at all? He says a crook would never give me back my money. So come on, let's show the jerk how wrong he/she is.
Andrew: You're hurting my feelings, Tool Belt, but so be it. Let's go to accounting and see how quickly we can get you your money.
Malcolm's Face: Aha! The thot plickens.
Park Ave.
SMG: Would you look at the top they have me wearing. Not only is it hideous, with this beaded -- what would you call this -- a breastplate? Anyhow, I think I've had to wear this, before.
Recapper: I'm sorry, Buff.
SMG: This show was supposed to be on CBS, you know, and have a real budget. Oh crap, the phone is ringing. Time to get into character.
Phone: Ring.
Bridget: Hello, this is certainly Siobhan Martin.
Canary Rose Florist: Confirming your annual delivery to Mrs. Painter, this afternoon.
Bridget: What now?
CRF: Back in 2007, you placed a standing order for a $100.00 arrangement sent to Nancy Painter, at 1947 Main Street, Paterson.
Bridget: I'm flashing back to finding a note containing that address. Coolio. Another clue. New Jersey, right?
CRF: Duh.
Later that day, outside 1947 Main Street, Paterson, New Jersey...
Bridget: Willow did some sort of Timey-Wimey spell, so that my cabbie would get me here, just in time to watch the florist deliver these mystery flowers.
Audience: Need more champagne!
Recapper: Willow, would you please?
Willow: You know, I have my own secret identity now, have -- for several years.
Recapper: Oh, c'mon, Will.
Willow: Fine. *Hocus Pocus* There's your champagne. Now I am out of here. *Poof*
Bridget: Well, the flowers have been delivered, so I'm just going to knock on that door and see what is the up. *Knock knock*
Nancy Painter: Siobhan, it's been so long. I'm going to hug you. Please, come in. The flowers just got here. They're beautiful. You're so sweet, remembering my birthday every year.
Bridget: Um...so it's been a while, right, right?
Nancy: You've been on my mind. I saw your husband on the news, regarding your stepdaughter's false rape accusation against her teacher. I thought of reaching out, but frankly, you scare the shit out of me. I'll go fix us some tea, so you can snoop around and try to figure out who the heck I am.
Bridget: Thank you! Oh, look, there's a picture of cute little Sean, who is somehow at the root of my estrangement from the sister with whom I share a face. Who could this woman possibly be?
Nancy: Are you all right?
Bridget: OMG, you're Sean's grandmother. I've gotta go. Bye!
Commercials: Here we are.
Recapper: Could just a little bit of your take go to better clothes for Bridget? Please. It's not hard to dress SMG. She's a teeny tiny little attractive blonde.
In the Park Ave. dressing room, Bridget cries as she looks at her hideous clothing, in the mirror. Oh wait. No. She's crying over that photo of Siobhan and Sean. We flash back seven years, to Lake Tahoe, Nevada.
Bridget: Sean and I are playing hide and seek. He sucks at it, so I'm humoring him.
Sean: Because I'm so cute. You realize that, by naming me Sean, Siobhan was naming me after herself, right?
Audience: Shocker.
Bridget: Oh great, Shiv is arguing with Sean's daddy, Dylan!
Audience: And Dylan is played by Misha Collins, who is Supernatural's Castiel. So wait. Bad Buffy had a baby with an angel of the Lord, or possibly a leviathan? That cannot be good, but it might be TOTALLY AWESOME! Can Castiel stay, please please please?
Jay Faerber: Not this year. But year? Who knows!
Nielsen Families: year? LOL.
Bridget: I'm going to suggest to Sean that we go play outside, because I don't think it's good for him to hear mommy and daddy fighting. He's going to agree, and yet -- I'm never actually going to take him outside.
Sean: If you can't find your way outside, Auntie B, we could go in another room.
Bridget: Yes, we will, except we won't. I'm just going to hug you, instead.
Sean: Grownups are weird.
Dylan: All I want to do is be a father to my son.
Shiv: Funny then, that you ran back to your mother's basement, in Jersey.
Bridget: Oh, right. Get the baby away from his nasty parents. Check. I can totes eavesdrop from his room.
Dylan: I'm walking out now, to prove I'm the kind of guy who will stick around for his kid and baby mama.
Shiv: Don't let the door hit ya, where the...no you know what? Let the door hit ya!
Bridget: Maybe now that Dylan wants to be with his kid, you ought to let him, for Sean's sake.
Shiv: Well then, maybe he could have been around for the first 18 months of Sean's life.
Bridget: I spend more time watching Sean than you do.
Shiv: Yes, because you're shiftless. I lose my job, and we're all out on the streets. Besides, I'm Sean's mother, not you. If Dylan comes back when I'm not around, call the police and have him arrested for trespassing.
Bridget: Sigh.
Back at Park Ave., Bridget cries and puts away the photo.
Manhattan Streets, Day.
Mr. "Logan Echolls" Carpenter: Juliet, shouldn't you be in school?
Juliet: There are lots of "shoulds" in life, Logan. For instance, I should be a decent kid to my lovely father, and yet?
Logan: On Twitter, the Ringer Writers told Cindy my first name is Adam. WUWT?
Recapper: Hey, don't worry about it. They botched the spelling of my Twitter name, too, when all they had to do was click "reply." We will pay them no mind.
Logan: Good. Not that there's anything wrong with Adam, but clearly, I'm Logan -- especially now that I'm involved in a scheme that is as foolhardy as it is nefarious.
Recapper: Agreed. I'm really glad you didn't rape those girls, though, Logan.
Juliet: Excuse me, but I have important information to impart. I tell Logan that Tessa is in flagrant disregard of the "keep it on the down low" part of the Let's Scam My Daddy Scam. I also mention that she's hiding the rest of her money under her bed.
Logan: I'll take care of it.
Park Ave. Night. The Martins are having an uncomfortably silent dinner. Juliet suggests putting a TV in the dining room.
Juliet: What? It's like church quiet.
Audience: You've been to church?
Bridget: Right? Anyhow, I flash back to seven years ago. In Tahoe. It seems to be day time, but you don't get a good look at the windows. Sean wants his mommy. I remind him she's at work, and won't get home until after he's in bed, but that his mommy will be there in the morning.
Dylan: Since Shiv's car isn't out front, I knock on the door and ask Nice Buffy if I can take Sean to the county fair. I've got free passes.
Bridget: What was I supposed to do if you show up?
Recapper: Call the cops and report him for trespassing.
Dylan: I think you were supposed to come to the fair with Sean and me. I'll buy your ticket. We'll get back before Shiv gets home. She'll never know I was here.
Recapper's Husband: Yeah, until the kid is all Mommy, mommy! Daddy and Auntie B took me to the fair.
Bridget: What could possibly go wrong?
Juliet: Back in the present, I tell Shiv (Bridget) that she' staring at me and it's creepy. I asked to be excused to do my homework.
Audience: Her homework. LOL.
Bridget: I was just remembering how maybe I'm not such a good parent after all, because of the Tahoe story for which I don't want to spoil you, even though you surely know what's coming . My point is, let's ship Juliet off to Miami, so I am not at all guilt-adjacent if she dies.
Andrew: I have no idea what you mean. Besides, you said she belongs with us.
Bridget: I'm a baby killer, is what I'm saying.
Tool Belt: Over at my Gramercy Park place, which was surely paid for with my sainted late wife's money, I'm reading a book, when...
Audience: Tool Belt reads?
Forumite 1: Well, he did write a book. He's probably reading it over and over and over again.
Forumite 2: C'mon. Can't be Tool Belt's book. The book he's reading has published.
Forumite 1: Good point!
Tool Belt: Anyhow, Shiv texts me.
TEXT FROM SIOBHAN: GET UR $ OUT OF MARTIN/CHARLES 2DAY?
Gentle Readers: Cindy, could you just tell us what the text truly reads, instead of mocking it. There might be a clue hidden, therein.
Recapper: That was a direct quote.
Gentle Readers: OMG.
Recapper: IKNOWRITE??????????????!
TEXT FROM TOOL BELT: YES. MALCOLM WORKING THERE NOW. PROBLEM?
TEXT FROM SIOBHAN: ...
TEXT FROM SIOBHAN: WHAT?! DON'T LIKE IT. NEED U TO STAY ON TOP OF MALCOLM.
Audience: Shiv, are you writing slash fic for your own show? If you are, try maintaining your characters' character. Tool Belt is totally a bottom.
Recapper's Mother: I'm not sure what that slash fic nonsense is, but my superior mothering sense assures me you all deserve a Tsk tsk, here. You're better than that, Audience. So is Cindy.
Audience: Aw, okay. We won't get raunchy in front of your mom.
Recapper: Mum, I know you said at this point, you're mostly watching the show so you can keep up with my recaps. It's okay if you don't want to watch, anymore.
Recapper's Mother: I'm keeping an eye on you, missy.
Recapper: Damn. I mean darn. Just...mum?
Recapper's Mother: Yes, dear?
Recapper: For your own peace of mind, do not Google "slash fic." You would not like it. I assure you.
Tool Belt: Can we get back to my tense texting scene?
Recapper: It's over, you Tool Belt.
Juliet: As I approach the school, I see a bunch of kids huddled together. They're texting, hugging, crying, and whatnot. Just another school day, but I ask this kid Chase what's going on.
Chase: Tessa Troublemaker got robbed last night. Some guy pounded on her and left her for dead. The doctors have her in a medically induced coma. Messed up, right?
Juliet: OMG!
Bridget: Back at Park Ave., the doorman calls to tell me there's a flower delivery, so I say send it on up. When the delivery man arrives, I see it's actually Dylan, returning the flowers that Shiv/I sent to his mother.
Dylan: Been a long time, Shiv.
Commercials: I hope you like Nice Buffy's new red blouse.
Recapper: Oh heck, yeah. Way better than the breastplate blouse.
Bridget: What the hell are you doing here, Dylan?
Dylan: Take your dirty flowers and stay the heck away from my mother. Just stay out of our lives. I hate you so much.
Bridget: I hate you so much, too, but why would you care that I sent flowers to your mom and visited her on her birthday.
Dylan: Maybe it has something to do with the night I got the crap beaten out of me, back in Tahoe. Didn't rob me, just beat me and told me to get out of town.
Bridget: I have no idea what you're talking about, and that's the truth.
Dylan: My mother was good to you, seven years ago. She helped you out after everything happened. She doesn't need your crap now, neither do I.
Bridget: Right, because it's all about you.
Dylan: I went through hell, back then.
Bridget: We all did. Oh, great, I see you're married, now. So, Dylan, any kids? You cost me everything that meant anything to me. Bridget felt sorry for you. She tried to be kind to you, and what did she get in return? A life of living with guilt from trusting you. If you're looking for forgiveness, you came to the wrong place. Get out!
Juliet: I go see Tessa at the hospital. Her face is purple with bruises. Then this...this...woman comes in and asks me if I'm Tessa's friend. Not exactly an easy question to answer.
Woman: I'm Tessa's foster mother, and it's clear I think she's trash. I tell Juliet the cops say it was a robbery, but come on, the kid just bought a brand new SUV. I thought she was turning tricks, but whores don't make that much.
Juliet: All right. 1: I get to say the episode titles.
Recapper: And 2: We are not using slurs against women in this recap. I wouldn't tolerate it if you used racial or ethnic slurs against Malcolm or Agent Guyliner Machado. I'm not tolerating sexist slurs, either.
Recapper's Mother: This is what I mean about you being better, Cindy. Write this way.
Recapper: Mum, I'm already behind. Please.
Recapper's Mother: Fine. , we'll work on your time management skills.
Recapper: FML.
Recapper's Mother: What does FML mean?
Recapper: Um... Fantastic Motherly Love.
Woman: My point is, Tessa must have been dealing drugs, because nothing was taken from my house, except for whatever was under Tessa's bed.
We flash back to seven years ago, in Tahoe. It is a dark and stormy night, because that's just the kind of show this is. Dylan is driving Bridget and Sean home. He and Bridget make polite chitchat. Then he asks if he can ask her something.
Bridget: I'm all like, there's a Twin Code. I am not going out with you, Dylan.
Dylan: LOL. One of you was one too many. No. I just -- if I seek partial custody, will you testify on my behalf?
Bridget: He clearly doesn't get the concept of a Twin Code.
Car Coming Out of Nowhere: Custody isn't going to be an issue, guys. Trust me. *SMASH*
Back at Park Ave., Bridget wakes with a start. It is nighttime. We cut to an overhead shot of a car driving out of the city. , we see Bridget standing outside Dylan's Sussex, NJ home. She watches as he, his wife and little girl play together.
Bridget: I pick up a brick, off their front lawn and prepare to heave it through the window.
Malcolm: Thanks to the handy dandy GPS application I put on Bridget's phone, I am there to grab her wrist and save the night. I tell Bridget she has to tell me what's going on. Now.
Recapper: I'd like to know how he got there so fast, even with the tracking application -- I mean...
Audience: Shhh, Cindy. Don't. You'll regret it.
Recapper: Point. It's commercial time, anyhow. We return from the break, right to another seven year old Tahoe flashback. It's in a cemetery.
Buffy: Since when do I patrol cemeteries during the day, and how come I'm wearing that sling? My slayer powers usually ensure lickity-split healing. Wait. There's two of me. Which one is the robot?
Recapper: Simmer down, B. Neither of you is a robot. You're twins. The one with the sling is Nice-You. The other is Mean-You.
Buffy: I get it! I got hit with Toth's splitty stick.
Recapper: Please Buff. I have to finish this. Don't you have an elsewhere to be?
Buffy: You still my girl?
Recapper: Always. Just go now.
Shiv: Can I mourn my son now, or what? And by "mourn my son," clearly I mean walk away from the kid's burial to heap coals of guilt upon my battered and bruised twin's head. But first, I'm going to slap her.
Bridget: I am so sorry.
Shiv: When I didn't respond to your messages, I thought you'd get the hint that I so can't deal with seeing you, right now. At least Dylan has a clue.
Bridget: Please don't do this. The driver that hit us came out of nowhere. He fell asleep at the wheel.
Carrie Underwood: I think my song came out the same year, but was he listening to it? No.
Bridget: Yeah, anyhow, I want to be here for you, Shiv, and for Sean.
Shiv: You're not welcome here.
Bridget: Back in the present, I'm at a restaurant with Malcolm, telling him it was almost a year before I saw my sister again. That's when I found out she was moving to New York. After she left, my drinking went from party-too-hearty-girl to downright alcoholic. When the booze no longer cut it, I start drugging, and then...
Malcolm: Bodaway Macawi.
Bridget: I tell Malcolm about Catherine seeking custody of Juliet. After all, Shiv trusted me with Sean and I let her down. I can't screw up with Juliet.
Malcolm: Your sister gave you the greatest give she could -- her forgiveness -- and you're wasting it.
Bridget: She didn't mean it! I explain about the note in the chess table. She totally lied about forgiving me. What if she only said it because she knew she was going to kill herself?
Malcolm: She said it. Now you have to try to forgive yourself. Perhaps you could start by forgiving Dylan.
Andrew: I return home to Park Ave. and find Juliet sobbing.
Juliet: I might even mean those tears, because I didn't know I'd have an audience. I'm reading an article about Tessa, and it's really bumming me out.
Andrew: Do you want to talk about what happened with Tessa?
Juliet: Do you ever wish you could have a do-over and go back and do the opposite of everything you did?
Recapper: Personally, I don't trust my past-self to make the right decision, since she didn't the first time. I'd prefer a skip over, please.
Andrew: It's not like this is your fault, Juliet.
Juliet: I'm going to Hell.
Andrew: Juliet, are you happy here in New York, with me and Shiv?
Juliet: Let's pretend this is a universe in which my mother wanted me around and didn't oh-say BURN MY BABY PICTURES. Okay. Sure. A change of scenery might help.
The day at Martin/Charles, Henry is picking up his check when he runs into Malcolm. He tells Malcolm he'd like to hire him to fix his home system.
Malcolm: That's not really my thing.
Tool Belt: Wait, let me take a bunch of stuff out of my pocket and leave the silver boat key ring in a hard to miss spot.
Malcolm: Well, I'm taking that in.
Tool Belt: The question is -- am I doing it on purpose, to lure you into my snare, or is this just my dumb luck?
Recapper: Only the Shadow knows.
Younger Audience Members: Was that a racial slur, Ms. There Shall Be No Slurs.
Recapper: Decidedly not!
Tool Belt: You sure I can't convince you to come over.
Malcolm: I'll be at your place tomorrow, at 8:00 AM.
Juliet: So I'm on my way to or from school or out to lunch, or otherwise doing something, when Logan grabs me out of the blue. I am scared to death, because clearly he hurt Tessa.
Logan: I would never, ever.
Juliet: Right, and you didn't steal her share of the money, either.
Logan: I'm going to manhandle you as I demand you tell me everything you know, right now.
Juliet: One step closer and I'll scream. I'm walking away now.
Logan: I look guilty as hell, which is how you know I'm innocent. It's like my tell.
Juliet: As I walk away, I make a phone call, and even though you all figured this out, ahead of time, I'm not going to mention who I'm talking to. I'm just going to tell that person, "We need to talk. Your plan is getting out of control."
Bridget: I show up at Dylan's and tell him I want to talk about Sean. I don't get him to listen until I tell him I almost threw a brick through his window, last night. I seriously hated you, Dylan, for being able to move on, and for what you did to Sean and...
Dylan: ...for what I did to you. Hey, I haven't moved on. I wish I could go back and take Sean's place.
Bridget: Me too, but it was an accident. It took me a long time to understand, but that's what it was. Dylan, I forgive you.
Dylan: Enjoy my pretty pretty man-pain tears. Thank you.
Ginormous Photographic Shrine to Shiv's Vanity: I loom over Andrew and Bridget as they discuss the Juliet conundrum. Andrew says Juliet would be amenable to starting somewhere new, but while she may not be in the right city, she is with the right family. If Catherine wants custody, she will have to fight him for it.
Andrew: Do I have your support?
Bridget: 100 percent. Andrew kisses me and leaves, just before Malcolm calls. I tell him that after seven long years, "Shiv" has finally forgiven Dylan Morrison. It feels good, but when I was forgiving him, I wish I could have given him my own Bridget-y forgiveness. I also want to be Andrew's wife and Juliet's parent as myself, not as Siobhan.
Malcolm: Have you just had a stroke or something? You can't do that.
Bridget: Not yet, but I want the people I love to know it's me loving them. I hate the lying. There has to be a way to tell them the truth without losing everything.
Recapper: Good luck with that.
Meanwhile, in the park...
Juliet: It looks like I'm talking to myself as I monologue on about how I thought Logan was going to kill me. I can't get over what he did to Tessa. It's all my fault. I told him to talk to her. I told him where her money was. This whole thing was your idea -- the fake assault, the law suit, all of it. Now it's falling apart. Please, please you have to help me.
Catherine: It's all right, sweetie. Everything's going to be okay. I promise you.
Juliet's Face: Can you see how much that promise makes me wanna hurl?
Audience: Sucks to be you.
Title Card: Ta-dah!
I'll be back Wednesday with a recaplet of "P.S. You're An Idiot." In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread, where members don't make that much.
Forumites: Did you just call us the W word?
Recapper: Nah. Besides, around these here parts, W is for Weecapper, my pretty little Ringlets. (And we don't make that much, either.)
Recapper's Mother: That's better.