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I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and/or week off from the show. My husband, kids, mother and I went Disney World -- a first for all of us. While in sunny Florida, we also had a lovely Thanksgiving at my sister-in-law's house. We just got back Monday night. It was a fantastic trip, and I've never been so tired in my life, so this is going to be a quick and dirty recaplet of this crazy "mid-season finale." I'll hit all the details in tomorrow's weecap, okay? Okay.
Our show is fully behind my quick and dirty plan, because just minutes in, Andrew and Bridget hit the sheets for what must be their first time. Andrew has filled his Park Ave. home with white roses and strewn petals all about the place, too, because he's just that perfect. He and "Shiv" will be celebrating their six year anniversary. When he asks Bridget if she can believe it's been six years, she cracks that it feels more like six weeks. Heh. Don't lose your sense of humor, B.
When last we met, Malcolm broke into NA Charlie/John's real house -- the one in which he was holding Gemma prisoner. Remember? While there, Mal snagged a cell phone. In this episode, he charges it up only to find it's not John's, but Gemma Butler's. John knows Bridget and Malcolm are onto him, so he calls Siobhan (who is in Paris trying to make nice with boy-toy/sugar daddy/pawn Tyler, and has blackened her own eye in a failed attempt to win Ty's sympathy) and tells her he's going to get rid of Gemma. Shiv, surprisingly, is not down with this plan, but since she can't immediately come up with the funds to pay John double what she promised him, he says he's doing things his way.
Malcolm convinces Bridget that they need to notify the police about Gemma's phone. They do, and the cops search John's real house, but he's already moved Gemma. Since John is an ex-cop, and Malcolm has only been clean for about six days, the cops are more inclined to believe John's lies. Bridget goes to Henry, to update him on what they know about Gemma. Henry tells "Shiv" that she's making matters worse. She should just stay out of it, and let the cops do their job.
At school, Juliet is still mooning over Mr. "Logan" Carpenter. When my cable feed goes all pixelated during one of his scenes, I swear I am so not paying my bill, this month. Anyhow, their story ends with Juliet telling a friend Logan raped her. What?
Meanwhile Agent Guyliner returns to Why-Oh-Why Wyoming, because another one of his sources, Bridget's stripper-friend, Mary Curtis (Amber Benson, who played Tara, on Buffy), has been offed. Poor girl is always getting shot by someone. In a flashback, Tara tells Guyliner that Macawi has an inside man on the police force. His code name? The Matador. [I'm a comfortador, also. --Xander] Guyliner confides this to Officer Jimmy who -- remember -- has connections to John and Siobhan. Officer Jimmy is, of course, the Matador. Oh, the cheese!
Bridget returns to Park Ave. to find John having tea with Andrew (I wanna have tea with Andrew). Once Andrew is gone, John tells Bridget that if she comes up with some dough, he'll return Gemma, unharmed. Bridget enlists Andrew's help. They arrive at Penn Station to make the money drop, but Henry's been not following his own advice and has involved the cops. John recognizes the cops on the scene. He shoots Gemma, who he has been keeping in the trunk of his car, and takes her body to a storage place, but when he opens the trunk, Gemma isn't dead. She pops up, knocks him over the head, and disses his aim, but in the end, he shoots her again.
But wait. It gets crazier. Real Siobhan (who must have had Willow cast a teleportation spell and a John-locator spell) shows up in New York and shoots John. When she's taking a cab ride away from the scene of the crime, like you do, she gets a call from Tyler. He paid her hotel bill and cleaned her things out of the room, including the positive pregnancy test.
Bridget and Mal go to John's fake apartment to get Mal's stuff. While there, they find an envelope bearing Siobhan's name and an address -- in France. Bridget is sure there is more going on, here. Gee, ya think?
I'll be back with the full weecap, tomorrow. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then join us in the show thread. Andrew has left a trail of rose petals to mark your path.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"That's What You Get For Trying To Kill Me" is Ringer's action-packed, confusing and deliciously cheesy "mid-season finale" (a CW euphemism for the last new episode before the hella long winter hiatus). The series returns with a new episode on January 10, 2012, and say what you want -- like perhaps that all my taste is in my mouth -- but I really don't want to wait that long. This is where daytime soaps are superior. They feed your need, every single weekday. Oh sure, they take off a few days here and there for major holidays, or the Olympics, or Wimbledon, but mostly, they're there, day in and out. You just start getting jittery, and BOOM it's time for another hit. Since Ringer's ratings haven't been all that strong, I'm worried about my little soap that could (thank goodness it's on the CW), and am crossing my fingers that absence makes the heart grow fonder will be the applicable cliché, even while I fear that the truth is closer to out of sight, out of mind. I don't want to fret, when we still have this hour to enjoy though, so let's get right to it, shall we?
NYC Streets, Night: We pick up right where we left off two weeks ago. Bridget has just left the restaurant where she met with John (NA Charlie), and Malcolm has just left John's real house (as opposed to the fake flat where a detoxing Malcolm crashed). On the phone, they compare notes. Malcolm tells Bridget that he didn't find the gun, but he did swipe a cell phone off the table. It's dead, so he'll pick up a charger in the morning and call her with the details.
Park Ave: Bridget arrives home to find a path strewn with white roses petals, leading to the parlor, which is full of more white roses, candlelight, and our adorable Andrew, giving his best British version of casual. He's still wearing his braces (suspenders) but his jacket and tie are gone, and the top two buttons on his shirt are undone. He's sitting on the sofa with outstretched arms, just waiting for me Nice Buffy Bridget "Shiv." When Bridget wonders what she did to deserve all this, I yell at her to shut up and kiss him, already. It seems all this is Andrew's day-before-our-sixth-anniversary celebration. He tells her he's made reservations at Daniel, for the following night. He can't believe it's been six years. Bridget cracks that it feels more like six weeks. Writers, please give SMG more lines like that. She plays them perfectly.
Anyhow, Bridget feels like ass, because she doesn't have anything for Andrew. When he tells her he already has everything she needs, Bridget's eyes go all soft. Finally, she says, "I love you." Andrew says he loves her too, and notes how long it's been since they've said that. I really have to wonder what the hell was wrong with Siobhan, that she prefers Henry, to this wonderful Welshman. They kiss and Buffy looks at Andrew knowingly. Yeah, yeah, I know this is Bridget, but that look was pure Buffy.
Kissing leads them to their candlelit bedroom, where they make love. It's clear this Bridget's first time with Andrew, and the love scene is soft skin, artfully placed sheets, mood lighting and music. My fellow Buffy fans will feel me, when I say it's more Buffy and Angel, than Buffy and Spike. Thank goodness. After the lovin', they fall asleep in each other's arms. Bridget smiles, like you do, when you've just shagged Ioan Gruffudd for the first time, and your eye makeup hasn't smudged -- not even one little bit.
Morning: Bridget is walking through the penthouse alone, which makes me worry that Andrew lost his soul, went out and fed on a hooker, and then caught up with Spike and Dru at the old factory. The doorman calls to announce Malcolm. While Bridget awaits his arrival, she turns to stare at the oversized black and white of Siobhan. A: I like it better when it had WHORE scrawled across. B: I would so have taken that thing down, because it is 10 types of creepy and 20 types of cringe-worthy vanity. Juliet comes down the hall and snarks, "Big sister's watching you." This catches Bridget off guard, because well YEAH. Juliet explains she was just punning on Big Brother. Bridget fakes a smile and wishes Juliet, and her inappropriately short skirt, a good day at school.
When Malcolm arrives, Bridget is eager to learn what he's found on John's cell phone. The most important thing he's learned? It's not John's cell. It's GEMMA'S! Oh man, I hope someone gets that girl out of the basement, soon. Commercial.
Paris, Day: Shiv, wearing ginormous sunglasses, finds Tyler at their bar. He doesn't want to hear her excuses, but she pleads for five minutes. She lies that Andrew found out she was in Paris and asked her to come back and work things out. Since they've been married for six years, she had to at least try. I laugh out loud when she adds, "I have a step-daughter," because clearly, Shiv was more of the Disney step-mother mold, than the Brady Bunch mold. Anyhow, Shiv keeps working Ty. Eventually, she tells him things with Andrew didn't work out. She removes her sunglasses, to reveal a huge shiner on her left eye. Tyler's all, "He hit you?" We flash back to...
Whenever: Shiv is staring in the bathroom medicine cabinet mirror. She steels herself and then opens it -- slamming the cabinet doorknob into her eye. I go throw up and then rock back and forth in the corner for six hours. When I was in the third grade, two of my friends were fighting over a pencil. I was, unfortunately, standing behind the one who won, and the pencil went into my right eye. My eye is fine, but my psyche isn't. I cannot overstate how deeply eye injury scenes squick me out. Gah. Anyhow, Shiv is hardcore, but we already knew that.
Back in Paris, Present: Shiv tells Tyler, "Andrew puts on a good face, but he's not the man you think he is." She blathers about Andrew's power and admits she targeted Tyler because he was a gateway to the insider information she needs. She then says that while she was just using him at first, she developed feelings for him. Tsk, Bad Buffy, that's not him; it's just his wallet! At any rate, while Tyler is somewhat mollified, he's not sticking around. Run away, Tyler. Run away.
New York: Malcolm persuades Bridget to call the cops and admit just enough of the truth about Gemma's cell phone to get them to investigate John. They're interrupted by Andrew, who still seems to have his soul, thank heavens. He greets Malcolm cordially, reminds "Shiv" about their dinner plans that evening, and wishes her a happy anniversary. The kiss they share before he leaves speaks volumes. They don't make out in front of Malcolm or anything. It's politely brief, but soft and yielding. Bridget gets all swoony faced as she watches him leave, then gives Mal a sheepish look. His smile is all, girl, you are so smitten! He nods and says, "Anniversary." Bridget returns his grin. "Six years already. Can you believe it?" Ha. They head off to call the cops.
Honestly John's House: She-Cop and He-Cop arrive at John's door. John immediately lets them know he's retired NYPD and that they have colleagues in common. The cops explain they're there to investigate a tip from Malcolm Ward, who claims John is misrepresenting himself, using the name "Charlie Young" and pretending to live in the fake flat, when he really lives here. John is smooth as he lies that he uses a fake name at NA for the anonymity, and says that since he was putting up Mal at his apartment, he decided to retreat here, to his late mother's house. He reminds the cops that Malcolm is a druggie who has only been clean for about six days. He then says he has nothing to hide and invites them in.
Park Ave: She-Cop and He-Cop tell Bridget and Mal that John's house is clean. They're running prints on Gemma's phone, but they have no reason to believe Malcolm over John, especially since Mal claims he got the phone at the apartment, but one of John's neighbors told the cops she saw a man fitting Mal's description, breaking into John's house, the night before. They ask Malcolm to come down to the station for questioning. When Bridget gets defensive of him, Mal pulls her aside and reminds her that he doesn't have anything to hide. Well, sure, if you discount the fact that you know Bridget has assumed her twin's life, and set up her own foolish self as prime suspect in Gemma's disappearance. No, nothing to hide at all.
Honestly John's House: John's freaking out on the phone at Shiv, telling her Bridget knows way too much, like his real name and where he lives. "And that dick friend stole the frigging cell phone. They know I've got Gemma." Since he realized someone had been in his house, he moved Gemma before the cops got there. He wants to off Gemma. Shiv says, "No way. You're just supposed to keep her quiet. That's the plan." Shiv tries to reason with him and asks what he needs to see things her way. He asks for double what she promised him. When Shiv says it's going to take her time to get the money, he says, "Nope. Sorry Siobhan. Game over. You no longer get a say." Commercial.
Why-Oh-Why, Wyoming: Man. Poor Nestor Carbonell. He is far too magically delicious to be stuck in this craptacular storyline. Anyhow, he's back in Wyoming, at a crime scene, with Officer Jimmy. There's a dead stripper on the floor. They're calling her Mary Curtis, but she's played by Amber Benson, so we know the truth. It's Tara! Dead again. (Pssssst. Agent Guyliner, check out back for Warren. And then flay him. Again.) Office Jimmy says Tara is a Rock Springs local, mother of one, and a dancer at Club Caged. Guyliner flashes back to...
Whenever: Tara's hair is ginger, and it suits her. Guyliner thanks her for being willing to inform on Macawi. Tara demurs. "Don't sweet talk a sweet talker, Vic. I'm just a blabbermouth stripper. Let's not pretend I'm anything else." Guyliner: "No. You're my informant. I don't take that lightly." Carbonell and Benson are doing their best with the scraps they've been given. What a waste of talent.
Present: Guyliner asks Jimmy if there's anyone in his department he doesn't trust. Jimmy can't think of any and wants to know why he's asking. Guyliner admits Tara was his C.I. (confidential informant) and flashes back again to...
Whenever: Guyliner asks Tara if she has heard more about Macawi's guy on the inside (of the police force). Tara: "No. He just keeps calling him the Matador." I already made the expected Xander/comfortador reference in the recaplet, and I'm trying not to be too hackish, so...um... there you go. Anyhow, Tara hasn't seen or heard anything else. At the end of the flashback she adds, "Hey Vic, if you find Bridget, tell her I miss her." Goodbye, Tara. I'm sorry you got shot dead. Again. [Hey, I died twice. --Buffy]
Present: Jimmy is a little miffed that he's been working with Guyliner for two years, and he never told him he had another informant. Guyliner explains he just started working with Tara and promised he'd keep her secret, even from his colleagues. He tells Jimmy the inside man on the force uses the nickname the Matador. Yeah, Jimmy's totally the Matador. And what kind of a bullshit alias is that? Oh yeah, I went there. Look, I just got back from a week at Disney World. I don't expect you to feel bad for me, about that but I need you to accept the fact that I am too old exhausted to resist all my hackishness.
Gramercy Park West: Bridget meets with Henry (Tool Belt) to inform him that while she enlisted "Charlie's" help to find Gemma, it seems "Charlie" is responsible for Gemma's disappearance. Tool Belt: "Why is it that all roads lead back to Siobhan Martin?" Oh Tool Belt, you don't even know...which makes me wonder something I should have mentioned before. Okay, so Officer Jimmy (who SPOILER we're going to find out is the Matador, but c'mon, we already know that) is not only Bodaway Macawi's inside man on the police force, he's also working for Siobhan and John, or was, in that he encouraged Bridget to run and planted his gun in her bag. What I want to know now (but will not find out, at least until fricking January) is if there is any connection (other than Bridget, that is) between Siobhan and Macawi. I hope there is, Show. The more twisted and over the top you get, the better you'll be. Work it, baby. Work it.
Okay, where was I? Well, there's all this back and forth between Tool Belt and Bridget about how involved she is with Gemma's disappearance. She admits Malcolm is helping her, too. Tool Belt: "Who--who the hell is Malcolm? [...] Another friend helping out. That's awesome, Siobhan. That's awesome. So who is he going to turn out to be -- a mob boss, a serial killer, Al-Qaeda?" Whee!
Bridget insists she's just trying to find Gemma and she's there to enlist Tool Belt's help. Really, Bridget? I feel stupid for expecting you to have a teeny bit more street smarts than that. Tool Belt tells her to stay out of it and let the police do their job. Bridget turns to leave, which I wasn't going to mention, but what the heck is that hanging off her ass? She's wearing some sort of black coat, with royal blue tails. Tails, really? Besides almost getting you murdered, letting you think she's dead, and otherwise screwing with your life, Bridget, I swear Shiv must have gone out and bought the wackiest clothes possible, in hopes that you would -- should the rest of her machinations fail -- die of humiliation. Seriously, B, your wardrobe selection alone, should clue you in on the fact that your sister has set you up, big time.
High School: Mr. "Logan" Carpenter is leading the students in some clean-up the school contrivance. When he thanks Tessa Troublemaker for her help, she reminds him she's only there because she has detention. Juliet and her New, Now Nameless Black Best Friend Forever (NNNBBFF) are leaning against the lockers as Logan passes by. Juliet purrs to NNNBBFF that Mr. C is so hot. NNNBBFF reminds Juliet that Logan wears ties and is all old and stuff. My soul weeps. Juliet rises to my emotional defense, says he's only 30, and ties are hot. "Besides, Bella married Edward when she was a teenager, and he's like...400." (Bella and Edward, Show? Really? Buffy is so disappointed.) When Logan hands trash bags to Juliet and NNNBBFF, something goes wrong with my picture. Everything is all pixelated and the audio is messed up, too, but I don't think anything important happens. [Note: Correct! -- RS.] Juliet is flirty with Logan. He's all business in return, and NNNBBFF laughs. Once Logan is gone, Juliet says Logan is just playing it cool. "We totally have a connection."
Park Ave: When Bridget arrives home, she hears Andrew talking and laughing with someone. Andrew: "Siobhan. You remember Charlie Young -- Malcolm Ward's sponsor." Andrew says, "Charlie" just stopped by to update them on Malcolm, which would be totally against the NA philosophy, but whatever. Andrew excuses himself, because he has some anniversary preparation to do. Bridget does not want to be left alone with John and tries to get Andrew to stay, but he insists she would not want to miss what he's got in store for her.
Once Andrew is gone, John tells Bridget, "Sit your ass down." I'll note here that he never lets on that he knows she's Bridget. She warns him she can have the cops swarming the place in seconds. He tells her he's not there to hurt her. "Whatever it is you think you know -- you don't." Bridget says she knows he took Gemma and wants to know what he wants. John wants money. This disgusts Bridget. John says all she has to do is pay up and he'll return Gemma. Bridget: "How do I know I can trust you?" John: "You don't, but what choice do you have?"
We cut to the Park Ave lobby. John's strutting through it with a self-satisfied smirk on his smug face that needs a smack. He passes Tool Belt who is just entering. Tool Belt asks the man at the desk if a Charlie Young visited the Martins. When he learns that's the guy who just left, Tool Belt dashes out to the street to find him. My video and audio screw up again, but that's a mercy, so I don't have to look at Tool Belt's goofy hair and wardrobe. Does he think he woke up in 1974? [Note: Also Correct! -- RS.]
Why-Oh-Why, Wyoming: Officer Jimmy calls Agent Guyliner and tells him that he has some intel on the Matador. "Meet me tonight. The warehouse in Cherokee." Oh Guyliner, please be at least half as smart as Richard Alpert! I can't spend the whole hiatus feeling this sorry for Carbonell, or I'll end up putting a damper on my oldest son's plans for a Lost re-watch.
Park Ave: Andrew finds Bridget in their dressing room, counting up all the cash she took from Shiv's secret bank account, however many weeks ago. When Andrew asks "Shiv" what's going on, she starts to cry. "I know where Gemma is." Commercial.
Bridget tells Andrew she's supposed to meet Charlie at Penn Station, at 10:00 PM, to drop off the ransom money. Andrew wants to call the police, but Bridget stops him, saying they can't take the risk. I really don't want them to miss their anniversary dinner at the Daniel, because I want to live vicariously through my TV, but they don't care. Bridget tells Andrew that it already backfired when Malcolm tried to involve the police. When she pleads with him to trust her, he agrees, provided he accompanies her. Bridget tells Andrew that Charlie wants 250 grand; she only has about 40. Andrew says she should have told him sooner, as the banks are now closed. When he asks if she's told Henry, Bridget says she was afraid he'd tell Gemma's parents and the police would get involved and mess things up. When she says she's out of ideas, Andrew pulls a little velvet box out of his pocket. "This was your real gift." Inside is such a rock that we really need to call it a boulder. Andrew: "I was going to propose, again." Nice Buffy and Me: Swoon. Since the boulder is worth well over 200 grand, they'll give it to John in return for Gemma.
High School: Juliet keeps trying to flirt with Logan. His voice turns sharp and loud. "Juliet! You need to stop this." NNNBBFF watches, wide-eyed. Juliet: "Stop what?" Logan tells her she's being inappropriate and he won't tolerate her unacceptable behavior. Juliet: "If you think I'm flirting with you, stop flattering yourself. I'm just trying to be nice." She turns to NNNBBFF, "Andrea, let's get out of here." Great, now I have to rename NNNBBFF. Let's call her NNBBFF (Not Nameless Black Best Friend Forever) Logan: "Andrea, please wait in the hall. I'd like to finish my conversation with Miss Martin -- without the theatrics." Logan, did you take a bunch of stupid pills? A young girl comes onto you, and you send away your only witness. You've been so careful up 'til now. What are you thinking? Or possibly...what are you thinking with? NNBBFF murmurs an apology to Juliet on her way out. Juliet: "It's okay." Once NNBBFF leaves, Logan shuts the door behind her. Fool.
Why-Oh-Why, Wyoming, Night: Guyliner meets up with Officer Jimmy at the warehouse. Jimmy gives him a file on a cop he suspects is the Matador, but this is all a waste of our time, because Officer Jimmy is totally the Matador. I know it. You know it. Officer Jimmy certainly knows it. I just pray Agent Guyliner knows it, too.
Penn Station: 10:00 PM: All the New Yorkers in the audience jeer, because the set looks nothing like Penn Station. The Rest Of Us: "There, there, New Yorkers. It's a CW Soap." Bridget and Andrew look around, but they can't find John, anywhere. After a half hour has passed, Bridget decides Charlie isn't coming. It's then that he calls. "I told you to come alone." She apologizes and says Andrew wouldn't let her. John: "I'm not talking about London Fog..." Ahahahahaha. Were I not head over heels in love with Andrew, I would so be calling him London Fog from now on. John clarifies: "I'm talking about the cops." Bridget insists she didn't involve the police. He instructs her to look out the window. "Somebody did." There's magic afoot, because the very first window Bridget tries -- in all of Penn Station -- is the right one. She has Buffy's slayer sense. Bridget immediately spots the fuzz staking out the station. The New Yorkers in the audience remind us that Penn Station is crawling with cops, anyhow. The Rest Of Us: "There, there, New Yorkers. It's a CW Soap." Bridget wants another chance, but John says he can't give her one, with the cops following her. "Sorry, Siobhan. My good will's all maxed out." Was he really going to hand over Gemma? That seems...contrary to everything we've heard John say in this episode, especially when you consider his convo with Shiv.
John is in some parking garage or whatever. It's dark and bleak. He opens the trunk of his car. Inside, Gemma and her uglyass fur vest are bound and gagged. John: "Morning, Sunshine. I didn't want to do this, but your bitch friend screwed up." He aims the gun and fires. Now, he's standing right at the rear of the car, and he's an ex-cop. Remember that. Commercial.
Penn Station: Bridget tells Andrew that "Charlie" isn't coming. Somebody called the cops. That somebody is Tool Belt, who walks in with She-Cop. He involved the cops when he saw "Charlie" leaving Park Ave. She-Cop gets off a phone call and updates the group. Gemma's phone is positive for Charlie/John's prints. Bridget has a flashback...
Flashback: Malcolm shows Bridget the demand notice he found among John's possessions. It's for a storage facility. She whips it out of her purse and gives it to She-Cop. "Why don't you try, here. [...] Maybe this is where he has Gemma."
Why-Oh-Why, Wyoming: I like you people, so I'll make this brief. Guyliner tells Jimmy he knows he's taken down Macawi-types before. Jimmy: "My old buddy, Silas Turnbull..." whose nickname was Bull, because with that name and at 263 lb. what else would you call him? Blah blah blah sex slave smuggling-cakes. Once upon a time, Bull charged at Jimmy, who took him down with one shot. DUH MATADOR. Guyliner knows this is a set up and that Jimmy plans to kill him. Jimmy: "I'm sorry, Vic. I didn't want it to come to this." And then the nicest thing happens. Guyliner says he'd had two agents tailing them. Jimmy says, "You're bluffing." But he's totally not bluffing. Yay! Guyliner is not too dumb to live. Jimmy is arrested. Guyliner tells him he's got a lot of questions, "Starting with -- what really happened the night that Bridget Kelly ran?" And then -- we get to leave Why-Oh-Why Wyoming behind for the rest of 2011, and return to the real story. Hurrah.
Park Ave: Juliet is curled up on her bed, when she gets a Skype call. She sits up, sniffs, wipes a tear from her weepy looking eyes. It's NNBBFF, who wants to make sure she's okay. Juliet lies that she is, but it's clear she's been crying. NNBBFF persists. Finally, Juliet says, "We had sex." NNBBFF: "You had sex with Mr. Carpenter?" Juliet: "But I didn't want to." NNBBFF: "Yeah you did. I mean, you were totally throwing yourself at him." Juliet: "No, you don't understand. He forced himself on me." She covers her mouth as a sob escapes. And...
Sidebar: Okay, I'm really torn on what I think happened here, and what I want to have happened here. The thought that Juliet could be lying sickens me. The last thing real life rape survivors need is yet another cry-wolf storyline. Plus, her flirting aside, she does seem to be trying to straighten out her act. I mean she's made a public school friend. She isn't out partying. She is consistently pleasant with Bridget. But would I rather have her have been truly raped, or just claiming she was? I mean, ugh. What a choice. Then there's my inner fangirl. I love Jason Dohring. I don't want him to be playing a rapist. Then there's my inner fangirl's evil twin. Jason Dohring would play a great rapist. He'd knock such a storyline out of the park. Then again, he'd also do a fine job playing an innocent man, falsely accused. I just... I give up. Instead, I'm going to adjust my tinfoil hat, and clutch to my bosom, my favorite bit of crazy-fan speculation I've read thus far: Maybe Mr. Carpenter ALSO has an evil twin and that evil twin raped Juliet. La la la. I can't hear you. La la la.
Storage Facility: John unlocks his storage unit, turns on the light and returns to his car. When he opens the trunk, Gemma is not there! She springs up out of nowhere, clocks him with a tire iron and says this week's episode title: "That's what you get for trying to kill me." John: "How are you even alive?" Gemma: "You've got bad aim." An ex-cop couldn't shoot her, and at least disable if not kill her, at point blank range? That's just...sacrificing characterization at the altar of suspense. Bad Show. No biscuit for you.
Now I don't want to be hard on our girl Gemma here, because she's been through hell, and I'm still wondering how she got to relieve herself when she was all tied up. [I'll take away your bucket. --Wesley] But the thing is, she only hits him once with the tire iron. Once. And it's not like he's pretending to be knocked out. So...does she hit him again, or go for his gun, or anything reasonable? No. She grabs his phone and tries to call 9-1-1, but she can't get a signal. She then starts looking for his....keys. After all these weeks of hoping she was alive and the last couple of weeks of being glad she's alive, I'm wondering if we're being shown that Gemma is too stupid to live.
Gemma makes it to John's car and sees the keys in the ignition, but instead of sitting her ass down in the driver's seat, she plops across it, belly down and just paws at the keys. John comes up behind her, with the gun she so should have grabbed. Gemma sobs. "Why are you doing this to me?" John: "Blame Siobhan." Gemma: "You mean Bridget." John: "No. I mean Siobhan. That bitch is still alive." BANG, he shoots her.
We cut to John dragging Gemma's body across the floor. She certainly appears dead, but after everything that just went down, I'm less sure of this than I am of the rape/not-rape scenario with Juliet and Logan. It doesn't matter though, because SMG is here, and she's pointing a gun at John. [These things? Never helpful. --Buffy] Is she Bridget, or is she Siobhan? With such dim lighting it's hard to tell, but John certainly thinks she's Shiv, and since she is alone (instead of with Andrew, Tool Belt, and She-Cop) I'm thinking it can't be Bridget. Oh wait, now I can see her black eye. It is Shiv. How the hell did she get to New York so quickly and manage to find John, at just the right time? Willow must have helped her out with some mojo, yeah?
Shiv demands that John hand over his weapon. Once she has it in her left hand, she reminds him she told him not to kill Gemma. John tells her since he's taking the risks, they're doing things his way. Shiv: "Not anymore." She aims her own weapon at him. John says she'll never shoot him because she's not a killer. "Otherwise, you would have put a bullet right in Bridget's head, which, by the way, would have been a hell of a lot easier than getting her to take the fall for you, so DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT ME!" Mean-Buffy lowers the gun, which surprises me. When John tells her she needs him, she replies, "I don't. You're a glorified babysitter who got way too expensive." John snarls and grabs at her right hand. They struggle. Mean-Buffy pushes him off and shoots him, dead. Yay! I think she shoots him with the gun in her left hand, i.e. the one she took from him. I can't help but wonder if that's the gun that Officer Jimmy planted on Bridget. Anyhow, Shiv kneels down over John's corpse and Gemma's-probable-corpse. She places the gun in John's hand, making it appear as though there's been a murder-suicide, because she knows how stupid TV writers think cops are. Shiv stares at Gemma for a moment, then rises and heads off.
Park Ave: Andrew walks out to the terrace, where he gives Malcolm an empty mug that we're supposed to pretend has something hot in it. They talk about Malcolm's experience with the cops and Malcolm thanks Andrew for letting him spend the night. Andrew then approaches Bridget and puts his arm around her. He thinks she should go to bed, and then my audio acts up, again. I don't quite hear everything, but it's clear Bridget is blaming herself if anything happens to Gemma. When Andrew tells her it isn't her fault, his phone rings. It's She-Cop. Andrew turns to Bridget. "They found Charlie's body. They think he killed himself." Bridget's eyes fill with tears. "Gemma?" Andrew sighs and shakes his head. "I'm so sorry, Shiv." Bridget gives us a beautiful Buffy boo-boo face to carry us through the hiatus, before melting into Andrew's arms. He holds her as she sobs. Commercial.
Sidebar: So is Gemma dead, or not? My rule is still that I won't accept it until I see the body. Okay, I saw her body after John shot her (presumably in the back of the head), but we already know his aim sucks. And? While it is just like this show to have Gemma escape death in one scene, just to die in the , it is also like this show to again make her seem dead, when she's not. I guess I can't see the point of this cliffhanger, if the result is simply that she's dead. Where's the wow factor in that -- come January -- especially since she just learned that Siobhan is alive. I don't know. I'm just thinking aloud and the commercial's over, so let's get back to the show.
New York Streets, Cab Interior, Day: Shiv's cell phone rings. It's Tyler, calling from Paris. She tells him she's in New York and will have to stay there for a while. He says he figured as much and asks, "Did I wake you?" Shiv: "No. I haven't really been able to sleep." Was that because you were getting Gemma some much needed emergency medical treatment, Shiv? She ignores me. Tyler: "Me, neither. I went to settle your tab at the hotel. They said you left some stuff in a drawer." We flashback to...
Whenever: Tyler opens a white enveloped with a gold embossed PIVONE HOTEL insignia. Hand-written in the corner is "#419." He opens the envelope to find Shiv's positive pregnancy test.
Present: Tyler says, "Siobhan, are you pregnant?" Shiv pauses and then says, "Yes." Tyler: "Is it mine?" Shiv: "Yes." Ooh, she's so bad!
Fake Flat: Malcolm and Bridget are at "Charlie's" apartment collecting, I guess, Mal's things. He suggests they take one more look around. Bridget finds an envelope on a shelf. When she flips it over, Malcolm says, "That's Charlie's handwriting." It reads: "Siobhan, Pivoine 419." Malcolm asks, "What's Pivoine?" Me: "It's the name of Shiv's hotel and that's her room number." Apropos of nothing or perhaps everything, Babelfish renders Pivoine as Peony. (Okay look, I covered Lost for a couple of seasons, so I'm always afraid to gloss over details like that, even though they probably don't matter, here.) Bridget continues to stare at the envelope. "I thought with Charlie gone, I would stop asking questions, but I can't. Why was he after Siobhan? Why Gemma? This can't just be about money. There has to be more to it." Gee, B, ya think? Adele's "Rumor Has It" plays as we go to a split screen. Bridget is on the left. A bruised Shiv is on the right, still in her cab. There's a flash. Shiv puts on her huge sunglasses. We cut to a shot of the city street. The camera zooms out. Adele: "Baby is that really what you want? Rumor has it..." Title Card.
I don't usually cover the preview of new episodes, but since this is all we're getting for a while, I'm giving you the bonus plan. If you're so spoiler-averse that you skip promos, etc., begone. I hope you have happy winter holidays of your choice. I'll see you on January 10th.
Preview voice-over: "January 10th. She's been a stripper. An addict. And a murderer." We cut to a scene of SMG and Andrew. SMG: "Can we just leave the past in the past?" The word naughty flashes across the screen. Voice-Over-Guy: "And you haven't even seen her naughty side." There's a bunch of quick flashes, and one of them includes NNBBFF, Andrew, Logan and Juliet in some party situation, at Park Ave. Another seems to be at the same party, based on Juliet's wardrobe. SMG (as, it must be, Bridget) is wearing her hair in bangs now, and it's much blonder. She marches up to Logan and punches him in the face. I've been waiting for Buffy to punch Logan (who I did love on Veronica Mars) for at least 4 years. Juliet gasps. SMG yells (I think, at Logan), "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. NOW!" I only have two things to say to that. 1: Wow. 2: Grrr Argh.
I hope you have a great, safe, happy time over the holidays, and that you won't forget about our little soap that could, during the stupid hiatus. Before you go deck your halls, spin your dreidels, and fa la la your las, please grade the episode at the top of the page. And don't forget to join us in the show thread. Andrew has left a trail of rose petals to mark your path.