As Tommy sleeps on his couch, an unseen figure pours lighter fluid on the floor around him. Tommy gets squirted in the face, and wakes up to find that Jimmy is the firebug. Jimmy accuses Tommy of banging his wife. Tommy tries to deny it, and then says that Sheila wanted it. Jimmy angrily yells that his "cousin" and "best friend" is "a worthless piece of shit," and then drops a match. Which raises the question: if an imaginary person starts a fire, is the fire real? Tommy tries to stomp out the fire as Jimmy says, "Burn in hell, asshole." Tommy goes up in flames and falls to the floor.
And then Janet asks, "What are you doing?" Tommy says he was having a nightmare that he was on fire. Janet asks if he was drinking last night. Tommy says no, and gives Asshole a bone. Janet tells Tommy that she went to the mall last night, and all her credit cards were turned down. And then the bank called her and said that Tommy's late on the car and house payments. Tommy says that he screwed up. Janet says emotionally that she needs $4000 to make the house, car, and AMEX payments. Tommy asks where he's going to get that kind of money. Janet asks about his side jobs. Tommy says he's got nothing this week, and Janet turns away from him and pouts. Tommy points out that the kids go to school at 8:30, and after all their activities, don't get home until 4:30, so Janet could take a part-time job while they're gone. Janet says that she'd be happy to get a job, but that she'd have to hire a housekeeper and a cook to do her household work. Or she could get the kids to do it. They're old enough. Or she could do what many other people in the world do, which is to do the chores after work. While the kids are doing homework or watching TV or whatever. I'm not saying that the kids don't benefit from having Janet around; I'm just saying that it's a luxury, and it sounds like it's one the family can't afford right now. Tommy starts bitching about how big and expensive their house is, and they argue for a while about who demanded such a big house. Tommy drops the information that he grew up with six kids sharing two rooms, which Janet has heard a million times. So there are more Gavins! I can't wait to meet them. Janet accuses Tommy of spying on her and ruining her relationship with Roger. Tommy says that Roger was an asshole, and that he thought he was helping. Janet says that if Tommy wants to help, he'll find the money. When she leaves, Tommy smashes a coffee mug.
On his way to work, Tommy runs red lights and nearly causes more than a few accidents. Tommy cackles with glee until he gets pulled over, and then he curses about as much as you would expect. The cop recognizes him, and Tommy lies that his mother had a heart attack and he's on the way to the hospital. The cop calls bullshit, and adds that firefighters aren't getting a free 9/11 pass anymore. Tommy says that no one is forgetting about the cops who died. The cop isn't pacified. Tommy reminds him that they have a hockey game coming up, and the cop says he's not worried. He adds that he hopes Tommy's mother doesn't die while he writes the ticket, and walks away.
Laura walks into the firehouse. Chief notes that she's early, and Laura said she wanted to get acclimated. She points out that, at her last house, she got her own sleeping quarters and bathroom, because she can't be expected to shower and shave with the guys. Nothing like diving right in. Chief says that if she expects to fight side-by-side with the guys, Laura should "figure out where and when to take a shit." Laura leans in and asks if Chief was brought up on charges for beating a gay ex-firefighter, which, coupled with some other bad behavior from the guys, led to Laura's being assigned there in the first place. Chief agrees, and Laura asks him to imagine what would happen if she called HQ and said that Chief wasn't complying with "a personal hygiene issue." Chief realizes that she's right, and agrees to take care of it.
Colleen calls her dad and complains that Jennifer won't talk to her at school and ignores her in the hallways. Colleen adds that she thinks she's in love. Tommy asks for Jennifer's phone number. Colleen asks what he'll do if Jennifer's mom answers, because Mrs. Jennifer is not at all happy that Jennifer is dating a girl. Tommy thinks that's perfect, and tries to find a pen.
Newbie stands outside the firehouse, getting some air. Andrew walks up, and Newbie looks for a place to hide, and then prepares to fight. The rest of the firefighters (none of whom we've ever seen before) come out and offer to help Newbie. They realize quickly that Andrew isn't there to fight, and back off. Andrew says that Geneva freaked out and moved out. Newbie is shocked. Andrew says that she twisted his head around, and that he didn't want to hurt Newbie in the first place. Andrew begs for the opportunity to make it up to Newbie. Tommy rolls up and asks Newbie if he's still sleeping at the firehouse. Newbie says he is. Andrew says that he was meant to come down there, because Newbie should move in with Andrew. Newbie doesn't want to. Andrew says that it's free, and that it's not up for discussion. Newbie agrees to do it until he gets on his feet. What? What an idiot.
Tommy walks inside and asks Lou if he has any roofing jobs this weekend. After taking a moment to observe that the Jets all play like they have vaginas, Lou says that he's got a job, but that it's fully staffed. Tommy says that he needs $4000. A cell phone sitting on the bench rings. Tommy asks Lou if he's going to get it, and notices that the Caller ID reads "Sandra." Tommy asks whether it's Billy's ex. Lou says defensively that Sandra is a widow only technically, because she was only married for six weeks. Tommy acts all judgmental, like he has room to talk.
Franco walks into the breakroom and gives Garrity one guess as to what's up. Garrity actually tries to guess, but can't come up with anything. Franco says that there are twins who saw an advance copy of the firefighter calendar on the internet, and now one of them wants to date Garrity. Garrity confirms that they're talking about women, because he read in the newspaper that the internet is "a hotbed for gay sex and transvestites and chicks with dicks and men with tits and it's really bad." Franco promises that they're chicks with tits, and that the only dicks involved will be Franco's and Garrity's, separately of course. Franco reminds him of the twins he met at the bar, Heather and Brittany. He describes Brittany, the one who wants Garrity, and Garrity worries that Franco wants to bang her. Franco says that they're identical twins, so he doesn't care which one he gets. Laura walks in on the tail end of the conversation, when Garrity is saying that they need to make sure that the chicks don't have Adam's apples, or cocks. Garrity tries to explain, but Laura says she doesn't really care.
Tommy walks in with a statue of a bowler for Lou, and gets a lead on a side job for the weekend. He starts making a sandwich, but Laura stops him, saying that it's "an introduction to colon cancer." She asks if she can make him one from her own stuff. As she bends over to get her stuff from the fridge, the guys check out her ass while pretending to have a conversation about football. Laura says, without turning around, "I know you guys are talking about my tits and my ass. Just in case you were wondering, I'm a 34 C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top hats when aroused. My ass is as tight as a snare drum and still soft to the touch. Any other questions?" She hands Tommy his sandwich and Garrity asks if he can get one. She says no, and walks out. Tommy asks if she really just said "top hats," and Franco says she did. Lou, who wandered in at the end, says that he's always been a big fan of formalwear. The alarm rings as Tommy argues that the sandwich indicates that Laura likes him.
In the truck on the way to the fire, Tommy eats his sandwich and says it's great. Laura, braiding her hair, thanks him and asks if he's worried about getting a stomachache. Tommy says he could eat a ton of food and still run right in. Laura comments that he's Superman.
The truck arrives at the fire and Chief yells out orders. A woman screams from a third-floor window. Tommy climbs onto the truck and starts scaling the ladder. Lou and Chief yell at him to get down, because he doesn't have a harness or a safety clip on. The ladder moves into position. Tommy tells the woman to stay in position, and not to jump. She panics and jumps anyway, and Tommy catches her, while nearly falling off the ladder. People on the street below scream. Chief says he's going to give Tommy "a foot in the ass." Tommy and the woman climb down and Tommy asks if there's anyone else in the apartment, and she says that her mother and brother made it out.
Inside, Garrity and Newbie head up to the third floor while Franco and Laura take the second. Laura keeps dropping equipment and generally fumbling around. She's unable to open a door with a crowbar, so Franco grabs it and pries the door open. Laura coughs as smoke comes pouring out. Franco yells at Laura to stay outside, but she insists on coming in with him. He yells more forcefully, and she stays out.
Outside, Laura and Franco head back to the truck. Chief asks Franco how Laura did, and Franco says that she was horrible, out of breath, dropping equipment, and unable to pop a door. Chief says it's the new FDNY. Lou walks up and collects on his bet that Laura would screw up.
Tommy sees Laura replacing her gear and asks if she passed the physical test at the Academy. Laura says jovially that she did, but that her test didn't include any flying maneuvers like the one he just pulled. Tommy says angrily that he passed the physical test with flying colors, and that the time she gives him shit about illegal maneuvers, he'll knock her on her ass. Laura angrily shoves equipment back onto the truck.
Back in the firehouse, Lou comments that Laura made Newbie look like he knew what he was doing. Franco adds that if he'd gotten into a jam, he would've been toast. Laura follows them in, miserable. Tommy gets a call. It's Sheila, who reports that she's buying lingerie and thinking of Tommy. She invites him over, and Tommy says yes, but then says no. Sheila asks what's up, and Tommy says that he's at work. He suggests that they switch it up by going to a hotel, and tells her to meet him at the Gansevoort that night and to order champagne from room service. Sheila asks what she should wear, and Tommy tells her to pick out four different outfits from the lingerie store.
Laura sits in the break room, pouting over a mug of coffee. Lou walks in, acts like he's going to say something, and then changes his mind and walks out. Laura puts her head in her hands.
Tommy calls Jennifer's mom and claims to be Bobby Timolty from her science class. Her mother passes the phone on -- even though Jennifer says she doesn't know the guy -- because he's male and he wants to talk to Jennifer. Jennifer takes the phone, and Tommy explains who he is and quickly says that Colleen really didn't talk to the Murphy kid. Jennifer starts to protest, and Tommy tells her to say, "How ya doing, Bobby?" Jennifer does, and Tommy correctly predicts that her mom is smiling. Jennifer seems to soften a bit and listen to what Tommy has to say.
Chief barges into the break room and sees Laura sitting there pathetically. He asks how she's doing, and she says she's fantastic. Chief says he has to ask, and Laura interrupts and promises that she can do the job, but that she's under a lot of pressure and taking shit from everybody. But she promises again that she can do it, and that she's done it before. Chief says that he can check on her reputation, but that he doesn't want to embarrass her. He tells a story about some paralegal chick he worked with, who failed the physical three times, but they let her in anyway because she sued the city for sexual harassment. The woman told the Post that when she read the list of the men who died on September 11th, she was disgusted that none of the names were female. Laura says that she heard about that. Chief says that the woman didn't think of the families of the deceased. She was only concerned about herself and the girls. Chief says, "My point being this: the mayor, the governor, the courts, Jesus Christ himself can dictate that you need to be here. But unless you can bring something to the table, with the guys in this firehouse, you ain't got a chance. You just think about that and you get back to me, huh?" Laura agrees. On his way out, Chief reports that her bathroom will be ready in a couple of days.
Tommy calls his brother Timo and reports that he got a traffic ticket that morning. Timo points out that Tommy beat the crap out of the cop in the hockey game last year. Tommy brings up the Gansevoort Hotel, whose manager owes Timo a favor. Timo is not happy about calling in his favor for his brother, until Tommy points out that he could get the club inside the hotel shut down for violation of the fire code. Tommy says that he wants all the food and booze comped too. Timo tries to protest, but Tommy hangs up and drives away. I was wondering how Tommy was going to pay for that, given that he needs all his money to pay the bills. Never underestimate the sliminess of Tommy Gavin when he's trying to get laid.
Franco and Garrity are on their date with the twins. Franco tells a dirty joke, which his date doesn't get. Garrity doesn't get it either. The twins leave to go to the bathroom, and the two men each talk about how hot their non-date twin is. Franco declares that they need to switch, and Garrity immediately agrees. Garrity wonders how they're going to pull that off.
Tommy gets a call from his father, and they use the subtitle technique from "Kansas" to tell us that Pa Gavin is miserable at home. Pa asks Tommy to get him a mini-fridge for the basement that he can keep shooters in, like he did at Teddy's house. Tommy reluctantly agrees to get it.
Newbie arrives at Andrew's apartment, and is greeted with a high five. Andrew loves to "go high." Andrew asks if Newbie wants to go out or stay in on his first night. Newbie explains that he's had a long day. Andrew picks up a baseball bat and starts swinging it around, which is a little scary, and says that FOX is showing the Mickey Mantle documentary. Newbie is psyched, and then even happier when Andrew says that he's got Jell-O shots. Newbie: "Jeez, you think of everything!" What a cheap date. And if I were Newbie, I would choose my own shot, and not just take the one Andrew handed me. Actually, I wouldn't take a shot at all. Actually, I wouldn't be staying there in the first place. They both do a shot.
Meanwhile, Tommy and Sheila are having sex at the hotel. A lot of it. In a lot of different positions. I'm not going to recap every minute of it because this isn't Pornography Without Pity. I hope Denis Leary and Callie Thorne really like each other. The dirtiest shot (in my eyes) is the one where Callie Thorne's breast is covered in whipped cream and then she puts a raspberry on top, and Denis Leary eats it.
Still on their date, Franco and Garrity decide to hit the men's room. To the surprise of no one, it takes Garrity a minute to realize that Franco wants him to come along. Once they get there, Franco stops Garrity from going into the bathroom and lays out his plan for making the switch. They're going to go to a new place, and when they arrive, try to switch up the seating arrangement. Garrity asks what happens if the girls get pissed. Franco says, "Well, we'll just have to pretend like we got confused and try to have sex with our original assignments. Although I don't know how I'm going to get around that mole on Heather's right tit." Garrity thinks the mole is hot, "like a tribute to Cindy Crawford." Franco heads back to the table, but Garrity really has to use the men's room, so he stays behind.
Newbie and Andrew chug beers and discuss "what a specimen" Mickey Mantle was. Andrew pulls out a bowl and takes a hit. He offers it to Newbie, who turns it down due to "department policy." But Newbie doesn't mind if Andrew continues. They can't smoke pot, but they can drink like maniacs and pop pills like there's no tomorrow? That's fair.
Tommy and Sheila lie on the hotel-room floor (COOTIES!), and Sheila brings up how her "psychic friend Lisa," the one Tommy met at the grocery store, thinks that Tommy is "a ghost magnet." Tommy pretends that he thinks the whole thing is bullshit, and Sheila says that Lisa got a vibe from him. Tommy gets up and says, "A vibe? I don't have a vibe. I can't afford a vibe." Sheila doesn't get the hint, and continues, saying that Lisa thought Tommy was "an open vessel." Tommy hurries over to the mini-fridge and pops open a bottle, downing it in one gulp as he complains that he's "a goddamn boat full of ghosts." Sheila says that Tommy is prone to visitations, and she asks with tears in her eyes whether he's seen Jimmy. Tommy spits, "No! He's dead." Sheila tells him seriously not to lie to her. Tommy realizes that she's not kidding around, and walks over and kneels in front of her. He kisses her tenderly and then look her in the eye and says, "I have not seen Jimmy. You know how important it would be to me if I could. Okay? And I'm not a ghost magnet or a boat or...whatever. I'm me. Okay?" Sheila agrees, and Tommy says that they need to get out of there. Sheila seems like she wants to say more, but she lets it drop.
Newbie and Andrew are still watching the Mantle documentary, but it's the end, and now they're both sobbing. They do a sad high five, which is fucking hilarious.
Franco, Garrity, and the twins arrive at their new destination. As they sit down, Garrity and Franco switch spots and wait to see if the girls noticed. The girls notice that the guys are acting weird and ask what's up. Franco admits that they switched the seating arrangements on purpose. Garrity explains about the mole thing, and Franco says that he fell in love with Brittany's ass, so they had to switch. Problem is, they got the girls mixed up. The girls stand up and show that they both have moles, and they both have great asses. They sweep out the door, but not before one of them tells Garrity that she was going to bang his brains out until he totally blew it.
Tommy walks into his house and finds Uncle Teddy sitting on the couch, still in boxers and undershirt. Turns out that Teddy lost his house in Atlantic City and has nowhere to live. And his ex-wife is dating another woman. Teddy asks if he can stay. Tommy says that he usually sleeps on the couch. Teddy says that he's fat, and begs Tommy not to make him climb the stairs. Tommy agrees, and asks what's up with the money stuffed into a bag to Teddy on the couch. Teddy says that it's all the money he has left in the world: $6000. Teddy says that if anything happens to him, he wants half the money to go to Mick's church, and the other half to Tommy's kids. Tommy asks about Teddy's own kids, but Teddy says that his kids are assholes. Tommy moves to take the money now, but Teddy isn't having it. Tommy offers to turn up the AC, and Teddy thanks him and says he loves him. Tommy seems confused, but says he loves Teddy too.
Newbie settles in for sleep on the couch. Andrew leans over him way too close and says that if Newbie needs anything, he should help himself. Newbie drunkenly giggles, and they exchange a few cries of "The Mick!" and "Mickey Mantle!" Andrew goes into his bedroom and turns off the light.
Some time later, the light turns back on. Andrew is back, in his underwear, with a giant erection. Andrew insists that he's not gay as he climbs on top of Newbie on the couch. Newbie tries to get to the door, but Andrew is faster and stronger, even with the erection. Knee him in the balls! Andrew says that he just wants to thank Newbie, as he pins Newbie against the wall. No one needs that kind of gratitude. Andrew keeps telling Newbie, "Just pretend I'm the Mick!" Newbie manages to twist away and punches Andrew in the face. Andrew doesn't even flinch and says, "Dude, you have nothing." He head-butts Newbie, who falls to the ground. Andrew grabs Newbie's feet and starts dragging him into the bedroom, talking all the while about how he's even willing to be the broad and take it in the ass. Newbie manages to grab a baseball bat (I knew that was going to come up again!) and smacks Andrew in the back. Newbie cracks Andrew in the head, and then shakily gets to his feet and tosses the bat aside before heading out the door.
Teddy walks out to Tommy's garage and starts his car. He drops a couple of packets of bills on the way. He starts the car and pulls down the garage door. Once he's behind the wheel, he says, "Goodbye, cruel world!" Teddy settles in for his final nap, saying, "Tell my wife she can kiss my ass." Maybe he should leave that information in a note? Because I don't think anyone got that.
The morning, Tommy walks downstairs buttoning his shirt. He sees Teddy's bag, which contains no money now. He walks over to the couch. No Teddy. His phone rings. It's Janet, asking how he's doing on the money front. Tommy is disgusted. Janet says he's never home, and that she saw his truck outside, so she called. She adds that if he can't get the money, he's got to let her know. Tommy says he's got a side job coming up, and asks how fast she needs it. Janet says that the bank is on her back. Tommy says it's a good thing he didn't die last night, and Janet says that even if he had, since he couldn't get a very big life insurance policy due to his high-risk occupation, and since he owes money on his truck and house, she would only end up with about $150,000. ["It's a little creepy that she had the figure at her fingertips like that." -- Wing Chun] Tommy hangs up on Janet when he notices some of the money that Teddy dropped on the floor.
Tommy walks out to the garage and, when he opens the door, he smells the carbon monoxide. He rushes in and slaps Teddy in the face to wake him. Teddy asks, "What are you doing here? Where's Elvis? Isn't this heaven?" Tommy says it's his garage. Teddy starts cursing because he's still alive, and figures that it's because he only had 1/8 tank of gas. Teddy gets out of the car, gathering up his cash. He decides that this is a sign that God wants him to have fun, so he's going to the track. Tommy asks what he had the money in the first place, and Teddy says that he wanted to take it with him. Teddy spots a pack of money on the ground and asks Tommy to pick it up for him. Tommy says that Teddy needs to go on a diet, right away.
The crew arrives at a call involving two people in a tree. Chief files the report: "The one on the bottom's a seventeen-year-old from Brooklyn. Ran away from home a couple of days ago, reported missing by his mother. Last seen with the one on the top, who is his boyfriend slash girlfriend. Got a fake pair of tits, and he's saving up to buy a vagina." Tommy asks, "Who isn't?" True. The two people in the tree are refusing to come down, and any time someone tries to go up, they climb higher. A cop comes over and asks who's going up, pointing out that the transgendered one is afraid of heights and bound to be a real hugger. Just as the crew is about to send Newbie up, over his protests, Laura pipes up and says that she'll go. Chief walks over and stares at Laura for a minute, and then tells her to go.
Laura climbs up the truck and heads for the ladder. Lou wants to place a bet that she won't be able to bring them both all the way down to the ground. No one wants to take the bet, because they all agree. Chief finally bets on Laura succeeding. Tommy gets a phone call. It's Teddy, who says that he turned his $3000 into $. He offers to play the money he set aside for Tommy's kids too. Tommy mulls it over. Teddy needs a decision, and Tommy tells him to let it ride.
Laura makes it up to the people in the tree, and manages to talk both of them onto the ladder. Lou reminds everyone that the bet requires them both to be on the ground. Meanwhile, Tommy pops what he tells Franco are "Superman pills," and Franco says that they can lead to "errors in judgment." Tommy looks sharply at Franco and says, "Yeah?" Franco meets his stare and responds, "Yeah." Ooh, tension.
The two people from the tree make it down to the truck, and the transgendered one stops and yells, "Be what you want to be," as the assembled crowd cheers. As soon as she hits the ground, the cops cuff her.
Chief tells Lou that Laura pulled it off, like Lou's not standing right there. Chief tells Laura that she did a nice job, and asks what she said to them to get them to come down. Laura says she told them that she already has a vagina, and that she knows one of them is looking to get one, so they should come down to the ground and talk about it like girlfriends. She also promised them a drink and that no charges would be pressed. Garrity wonders why they would buy that, and Laura says, "Because two of us already have tits. So did I prove that I can bring something to this team?" Tommy says that they get calls like this approximately never, and Laura tells him to kiss her ass. Franco says she'd probably love that, and she lunges for him, but Chief pulls her back. Laura says that she did them a favor and she's still taking shit. Chief reminds her that it's a marathon, not a sprint, and that she should move on. Laura says quietly that Tommy is dangerous, and he tells her to stay away from him. Laura thinks he's crazy. Chief says that the whole department is crazy, and that there's crazy good and crazy bad. Right now, Tommy is crazy good. Laura glares at Tommy, who heard the whole thing, and then gets on the truck. Tommy gets a call from Teddy, who says that they hit it big.
Tommy stands in Janet's kitchen, drinking. Janet walks in and observes that he is drinking again. Tommy agrees. Janet says there's been a lot of talk about him seeing Sheila. Tommy has nothing to say to that. Janet says that Colleen has hooked back up with Jennifer, and Tommy interrupts that they're at his house and they're fine. Janet tries again, saying that she disapproves of the situation, and that she'd like his help in getting control of it. Tommy contemplates his drink for a moment, and then pours himself another, which only makes Janet more upset. Tommy asks if she called Roger. Janet doesn't respond. Tommy asks if she heard him. Janet says that she did call Roger, and that he's traveling right now, but that he's supposed to call. Tommy reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wad of cash, and then lets it flutter all over the kitchen floor. Janet looks at him in disbelief. Tommy says she asked for four grand, and there's about six or seven there. Janet asks where he got it. Tommy replies, "The harder I work, the luckier I goddamn get," and walks out.