It's 7:28 AM. Lou wakes up in bed with Sandra, who is clearly a morning person, if you catch my drift. Once Lou realizes where he is and who he's with, he sits straight up in bed and asks if he fell asleep, and what he's going to tell his wife. Sandra says that it might be for the best, because Phyllis is going to find out sooner or later. The alarm starts buzzing, and suddenly Sandra is speaking with Phyllis's voice. It was a dream! Phyllis asks angrily what he was dreaming about, because he had a big smile on his face. Lou says he can't remember, but Phyllis was in it. Phyllis keeps giving him shit until Lou explodes that she could at least wait until he's had a cup of coffee before bitching at him.
Teddy walks into Tommy's house carrying the paper, his robe hanging open. Tommy asks if he went outside like that, with his "joint hanging out." Teddy says that's Tommy's "shame-based religious upbringing rearing its ugly head." Tommy points and says, "Speaking of ugly heads." Teddy says he has no problems being naked, and Tommy invites him to go upstairs and look in the mirror.
Newbie tries to run out of his mother's house quickly, but his mother (Paul's mother from Mad About You) chases him down to give him his biscotti. She makes sure he's wearing a clean shirt, and then tells him that he should call her friend's daughter, Theresa Gilardi. Newbie protests that all the Gilardi kids are ugly, and that they used to call her brother "Gilardi the Retardi." I know it's wrong, but hee! Ma Newbie says, "That's unkind. Retarded people have it very hard." Newbie says he's not taking Theresa out, and tries to walk off. Ma Newbie tries to lay down the guilt trip about how she's cooking and cleaning and slaving for him and he shows no gratitude. Newbie walks back and says he'll call tomorrow. Ma Newbie says she already promised he'd take her out tonight, and gives him another kiss.
Tommy asks Teddy to take the dog out a few times a day, and to use the back yard. He also wants to make sure the dog has fresh water, and has specific instructions about feeding. Teddy complains that Tommy will ask him to French-kiss the dog every half-hour. Tommy points out that Teddy isn't paying rent, so he has to earn his keep somehow. Teddy agrees to do it, and then mumbles something about "Daddy's little baby." Tommy says that it's the kids' dog, not his, and walks out. Teddy chuckles.
Laura walks into the break room and, after taking some shit from Lou, announces that someone's been using her bathroom. Chief sarcastically offers to call City Hall and set up a press conference. Laura points out that she has her own bathroom for a reason, and that she doesn't want to find another stinkbomb in there. Lou says that his shit smells like the perfume counter at Saks. Laura says that she'll assume that it's an oversight and not a political statement. She leaves. Lou bitches about what they have to put up with now. Garrity admits that he was the culprit; he had fruit cocktail for breakfast and he couldn't even make it upstairs, so he snuck into Laura's bathroom. Newbie admits that he used it too, because he forgot, but adds that it's really nice in there with "candles, and soaps, and real towels, and little floor mats." Garrity adds, "And it smells like the beach in there! Or, well, it did until I pooped." I laughed for like twenty minutes at that line. Maybe it was the delivery. Chief tells them he doesn't want to hear Laura's complaints anymore, so they all need to stay out of her bathroom.
Franco strolls in and says that it's a big day, because the calendar's out. Garrity looks nervous. Franco flips open to his page, and everyone thinks he looks great as a gladiator. Lou wants to see Garrity's picture, so they flip to December. Everyone bursts out laughing. Garrity looks embarrassed but also uncertain, not sure if they're laughing to bust his balls or because he looks ridiculous. And he does. Look ridiculous. Garrity asks if it looks stupid. Lou thinks it says, "I'm a macho good-looking guy. I've been working hard on the ranch all day, and now I'm taking a little break. Just waiting for my husband to come pick me up and take me out." Everyone cracks up, and Garrity thinks this sucks. Franco says that they have a signing at a bookstore in two days, and that they're going to clean up. Garrity thinks that Franco will, but Garrity won't. Franco says that the calendar just came out today, and that three chicks already hit on him. He concludes that being in the calendar is "like being given a license to mint pussy." Lou pipes up, "Mint pussy? One of the worst Ben & Jerry flavors of all time." Everyone cracks up.
The crew arrives at a fire. Lou has just finished telling Tommy about the mint pussy joke, and says that he has to start writing that stuff down. Tommy agrees. Franco and Garrity have apparently been assigned to stand near the truck and watch, and they're bitching about it. Chief tells Laura to do the same. A woman breaks out of the crowd and starts screaming that she needs to get into the burning building to get her dog. Tommy overhears and springs into action. The woman says that her apartment is 5C, and Tommy takes off. Lou and Chief missed Tommy running in, and discuss how he can't possibly be inside because he didn't take a mask. Lou spots Tommy, walking along the fifth-floor ledge. Chief says that Tommy made a few good grabs, and now he thinks he's Superman.
Tommy uses an axe to break out the apartment window, and then steps into the smoke-filled room. The crew watches anxiously from below. And waits. Chief asks how long Tommy's been in there, and Lou says it's been two minutes. A few moments later, Tommy walks out the front door, carrying a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. He claims that he just loves dogs, and the dog owner thanks him profusely. Chief calls him Dr. Doolittle.
Later, in the locker room, Franco comments that, with balls like Tommy's, it's surprising that he can find pants that fit. Franco slams his locker and walks out. Garrity walks in and asks Tommy if he thinks chicks will dig his calendar photo. Tommy assures Garrity that he looks like the Marlboro man. Garrity looks relieved, until Tommy adds, "Yeah, if the Marlboro man smoked cock instead of cigarettes."
Now it's Laura's turn to visit Tommy. She asks him what was up with his dog-grabbing stunt today. Tommy says simply, "It's called firefighting." Laura is pissed that Tommy is considered the hero, and she's considered the weak link that's going to get everyone killed. She thinks Tommy's the weak link, and that no one else will say it, but she thinks that he knows it. Tommy gives Laura a push to the chest and says, "Let me tell you something, sister. You can serve two purposes in this house; you can give me a blowjob, or you can make me a sandwich. I'm not in the mood for head, and I had a late breakfast, so you're shit out of luck." Whoa. I'm sorry your mom didn't love you, dude.
Lou and Phyllis eat dinner in silence. She asks if he's okay. Lou says he can't do this, and that it's not fair to either of them. Phyllis is scared. Lou says he doesn't want to hurt her because he loves her, but that he's seeing another woman. Phyllis is shocked. Lou stands up and starts walking around, babbling about his life jumping the track. Phyllis starts crying and says it's okay. Lou offers to move out. Phyllis starts sobbing and says that life is strange, because you have secrets but then God makes it okay to talk about. Lou doesn't know how God fits in, and Phyllis says that she's not talking about Lou; she's been seeing another man, and feeling bad about it. Lou is stunned. Phyllis doesn't seem to feel so bad about it anymore, as she says that she's been seeing the guy for three months. Lou just stands there, mouth gaping.
Newbie walks down the street, trying to match an address on a piece of paper. A woman standing nearby asks if he's Mike. She's Theresa. She's not fat, but she's larger than average, and she has short red hair and kind of a weird nose. In other words, she's not a standard beauty. Theresa shakes Newbie's hand and says it totally sucks having their mothers set them up. Newbie agrees.
Tommy and Sheila are doing it in a hotel room. Why is Sheila always on top? I wonder if that means something. Sheila stops and claps her hands, because Tommy is staring off into space. She says that she's working hard, and wonders if he's going to bring something to the party. Tommy says that he did, and tells her to "check [her] undercarriage." Sheila pulls a face and rolls off him. She asks why he's so distracted. Tommy says he's thinking about the chick at work. Sheila thinks he means sexually, but Tommy says she's just really annoying. Sheila thinks she must be a dyke. Tommy complains that Laura's always bitching and moaning, and has an opinion about everything. Sheila says, "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one." Tommy argues that the last word of the saying should be "them" because opinions is plural. Sheila points out that everyone only has one asshole. Tommy says that everyone has more than one opinion. I think grammatically, it should be, "An opinion is like an asshole. Everyone has one." But I know Wing will tell me if I'm wrong. ["I think the expression is fine the way Sheila says it, in that the first part refers to opinions generally, and the second part suggests that they're distributed, one apiece, to 'everyone,' as assholes are." -- Wing Chun] And Tommy, Sheila, and I ["and I" -- Wing Chun] have all officially put way too much thought into this.
Newbie and Theresa eat in a diner. Theresa offers him some cake, and Newbie starts to say that he's trying to stay thin, but trails off in the middle. He asks about Theresa's brother Vinny, who was in Newbie's class. She says flatly that he's dead. He got high, went out for a walk, and got hit by a train. She adds that he wasn't the brightest, and that her parents totally saw it coming. Newbie asks Theresa if she wants anything else, and she says no. She says pointedly that she was starving, and that she didn't eat all day because she thought they were going out to dinner. Newbie says that was the original plan, but that he thought coffee was less formal. Theresa says that he also thought it would be short. She adds that she seems to have the power to give men headaches. Newbie chuckles. Theresa wants Newbie to admit that he's thought about getting a headache in the last hour. Newbie denies it. Theresa says he seems sweet and honest, and asks him to tell the truth. Newbie admits that he considered it. Theresa, who has really beautiful eyes, asks why Newbie rejected the notion. Newbie says that he got scared when he saw the way she demolished her cake. Theresa drops her smile, and Newbie looks scared, but then they both start cracking up.
Phyllis and Lou are still sitting at the dinner table. Lou pours himself a giant glass of wine.
Sheila and Tommy are still arguing about whether or not one is plural. He accuses her of not going to school. Sheila chuckles ruefully and pulls a container out of her bag. She says that it's butterscotch pudding, and that she was going to let him lick it off her tits, but that he blew it. She stomps into the bathroom (with her pudding?) and slams the door. Tommy yells that she should mentioned the pudding first.
Newbie walks Theresa to her door. Theresa says that she paints portraits, and that she'd like him to sit for her, if she ever sees him again. Newbie asks why she says stuff like that, and Theresa says it's from experience. She invites Newbie in, and he starts to say no, but she lunges at him and starts kissing him. He pulls away and says he can't do this. She promises him, "I'll be the best you've ever had. I don't care how many women you've slept with. Hundreds. Thousands. One time with me, you won't remember a single one of them." Newbie chuckles and says he guesses he can come in for a few minutes.
Lou and Phyllis are still at the table. Every time Lou asks a question about Phyllis's boyfriend, she turns the tables and asks the same question about his girlfriend. Lou hesitates, and then says that maybe they shouldn't be asking questions right now. He slurs his words slightly as he says that if Phyllis had admitted her affair, and he wasn't having one too, he'd be really pissed. Phyllis feels the same.
Newbie and Theresa finish having sex with much moaning and groaning. Theresa rolls off and congratulates Newbie on doing his first fat chick, and then asks if he wants to go again. He thinks she must be kidding. Newbie rolls on top of her and they start making out.
Tommy walks into his house and starts petting Asshole. A voice calls out hello and asks Tommy to pass the salt and pepper. Tommy looks up to see an African-American little person sitting at his kitchen table. The guy introduces himself as Arlo, Teddy's friend. Tommy brings him the salt. Teddy walks downstairs and says that the dog puked twice, but that Arlo cleaned it up. Arlo reports that the dog ate two Slim Jims and a Frappucino. Tommy is disgusted. Teddy says that the phone's been ringing off the hook, but that he didn't answer it because it's not his house, plus they were busy watching Strong Medicine. Teddy says that Arlo will be crashing with them for a few days. Tommy whispers to Teddy, asking who Arlo is. Teddy says in full voice that Arlo is "the Golden Midget" who won him all the money at the track. Arlo yells at Teddy for calling him a midget. Teddy shows Tommy $1100 in cash that he won today. Apparently, Arlo wanted to be a jockey, but he was too small; he used to hang around the track all the time anyway. And he's the perfect height to read the horses' faces. Tommy asks how long Arlo will stay. Teddy says that they want Arlo to stay as long as possible, so that Teddy can win enough to buy his own place. Tommy says that Arlo can stay, but that they're getting him a ladder. Janet knocks on the door and walks in, frantic. She says she's been calling all night. Tommy asks what's going on. Janet says she just came from the hospital. Tommy immediately thinks something is wrong with one of the kids. Janet says that it's Tommy's mother; she had a heart attack. Tommy asks if she's going to be okay, and Janet sighs and says, "She's dead, Tommy. She died a half-hour ago." Tommy looks like he might puke. And not from Slim Jims.
Tommy sleeps in a chair at his dad's house. His father wakes him by throwing a pillow at him. Tommy asks if he wants some coffee. His father says that Tommy's coffee sucks, and that he should have taken coffee-making lessons from his mother. Pa Gavin adds that his wife had her flaws, but that she could always make coffee. Then Pa starts saying that he killed his wife because he made her worry about him while he was living with Teddy. Pa adds that the last ten years weren't great, because they annoyed each other and channeled their passion into pissing each other off. He says sadly, crying, that he would give anything for another ten years. Tommy, uncomfortable with the crying, looks away. Pa says that his father cried a lot toward the end of his life, even though he never cried before. Pa says, "It's the ghosts, Tommy." Tommy is suddenly interested and sits down. Pa explains, "All the people you hurt. All the meanness you did. You get old, and you stop moving at a million miles a minute. It all comes back. It really shows up again. And all you can do, all you can do is cry." Pa is really sobbing now, and he tells Tommy to go make his "suck-ass coffee." Sad.
Lou walks out to his car and picks up his paper. He exchanges cheerful greeting with his neighbor, but then stops and walks back. He tells the neighbor that he thinks his wife is having an affair. She says that she doesn't see how it's her business. Lou says that she's home all day and sees who comes and goes. The neighbor says that she doesn't stick her nose in other people's business. Lou starts to leave, and the neighbor says that he comes during lunch sometimes, but mostly nights when Lou is working a double shift. She even gives him dates. Lou asks if she knows who he is. The neighbor says that she has her own life to lead. Lou starts to leave, and the neighbor says that it's Greg Kelley, and that he works at the firehouse on Lincoln. Lou is surprised that he's a fireman.
In the break room at the firehouse, Franco asks after Pa Gavin. Tommy says he's doing okay, and that he asked his father to move in with him, but Pa won't. Lou asks if Tommy's doing okay. Tommy offers up the typical platitudes about how his mother didn't suffer, and that it was fast. The phone rings. It's Theresa for Newbie. He answers and asks to call her back because everyone is listening. Tommy comments that the girl sounds hot. Newbie says that she's the best he's ever had.
Chief leads Laura into the room and says that they've got a problem. Lou asks if someone has been using "the lady's commode" again. Laura whines (and I don't dislike the character but I hate her voice) that she has four older brothers, so when she finds "a huge steaming dump" in the bathroom, it's "more like a fond memory." But she wants to say two things to the culprit: "First, get yourself to a hospital. Because if that came out of you, you got like maybe a month to live. And second, watch your back. Game is on. This keeps up, it's just going to get unpleasant." The guys just laugh at her. Chief says that it's fine if they don't like Laura and don't want her there, but "there's no reason to leave something the size of an Easter ham in the bottom of her toilet." The guys all laugh again. Laura thanks him and walks over to Tommy and expresses her condolences. As Laura walks out, Chief pretends to continue yelling at the guys, but as soon as she's out of earshot, he confesses that he ate a huge Mexican meal, and then a pot of Brussels sprouts, and eggs and salsa with a half a bag of Oreos. Chief says that the resulting poo had a heartbeat.
Funeral Home. Various Gavins are gathered. Tommy and Timo stand near the casket. Timo says that their father is having a rough time. He adds that Pa and Ma were married for fifty-four years, and that he "bawled [his] eyes out" when he heard. Tommy lies that he did too. Timo points out that Tommy predicted it when he got pulled over by the cop, and Tommy says that was just a bullshit excuse. Timo tells Tommy to keep an eye on their dad. Tommy asks why it's his job, and wonders why Timo or Johnny or "one of [their] wonderful sisters" can't do it. I am actually surprised that one of the sisters doesn't do it. It seems like typically women get that role. Sheila walks up and gives Tommy a big hug, while Timo gets a handshake. Timo says he's going to talk to Teddy. Sheila whispers something in Tommy's ear. Father Mick, Franco, and Janet all take note.
Tommy tells Teddy he needs a break, and follows Sheila into the room. He asks her what that was all about. Sheila says she was just being supportive, and Tommy tells her that she crossed a line. Sheila says she's family, and she wanted to offer him a shoulder to cry on. Sheila thinks that Tommy's mother is lying there in a coffin, and he's a block of ice. Tommy says that he could cry if he wanted to, but that someone needs to stay in control. Sheila calls him an asshole, and he tells her to watch herself.
Sheila walks back into the main room, sobbing, and gives Pa Gavin a big hug. When she leaves, Pa comments that she's "all torn up," and Janet says with surprise, "She sure is."
Newbie kisses Theresa goodbye and starts to get dressed. She asks if he's leaving, and Newbie says he has to go to a wake for a co-worker's mom. Theresa offers to go with him, and says it could be their first date as a couple. Newbie says no, and Theresa says that she was just kidding. As Newbie grabs his clothes, Theresa asks if this is just sex. Newbie says it was before, but now he doesn't know. Theresa asks if he's ashamed of her. Newbie says that she's smart and makes him laugh. Theresa says that she thought he didn't want to bring his fat girlfriend to meet his friends. Newbie says he only cares about her. They laugh and kiss.
Garrity walks up to the coffin to pay his condolences. He kneels to pray, and a chick kneels to him. She smiles at him, and he says hello. She thinks she knows him. Garrity admits that he works with Tommy. The girl recognizes him from the calendar. Garrity asks if his picture was goofy, and she says that she thought his picture was the best. Garrity asks for her number. She asks him for a pen, and he writes her number on his hand. While they're kneeling at the casket. Um, there are people waiting!
Tommy stands outside, smoking. Janet comes out and asks how he's doing. Tommy says that everyone keeps asking that, and that his mother just died from a heart attack, so he's not exactly doing a jig. Janet decides that Tommy doesn't need an ounce of slack, given the circumstances, and asks, "What's with Sheila?" Tommy says that she's upset. Janet says that Sheila had called his mother "the curse of the Irish." Janet says that if Tommy is screwing around with Sheila, "that is some dark, dark shit." Tommy denies that there's anything going on. Janet hopes he's telling the truth, and Tommy says, "I don't have to tell you anything." Janet stomps back inside.
Father Mick walks up and asks what that was all about. Tommy calls it "another chapter in [his] own personal purgatory." Mick asks what's going on with Tommy and Sheila. Tommy thinks he's kidding. Mick hopes Tommy's not getting involved with Sheila. Tommy says he's not, and that it's none of Mick's business if he is. Mick wants to offer some advice, and Tommy says he doesn't need advice on women from a guy who's been celibate for thirty years: "They're different now." A lady drives by and honks and waves at Mick. Tommy looks over, realization dawning on his face, and says, "You gotta be shitting me! What would the Catholic church say about that?" Mick says that since she's not a teen boy, they'd be thrilled. Don't be so sure, dude. A priest near here was recently forced to retire because he was carrying on a decades-long affair with a single woman, even though his parishioners totally knew and totally didn't care. Mick turns it around and asks what people would think if they knew Tommy was banging his dead cousin's wife. The two men start poking each other, which quickly turns into tussling on the ground and jackets being pulled over heads. Teddy, Garrity, and Lou run out and break it up. Everyone blames Tommy, since it surely can't be the priest's fault.
Franco and Garrity sign calendars at a Borders with some other firefighters. My former employer! And my former job -- running book signings! It's like they planned it. Franco comments that the signing is "like a goddamned pussy buffet." A stereotypically gay man walks up and says he loves Garrity's picture, and asks if Garrity's really into water sports. Garrity says that he's the cowboy, not the deep sea diver. The man says that the handkerchief is pretty obvious, and points to the yellow bandanna in Garrity's back pocket in the photo. Garrity has no idea what he's talking about. The guy explains that a yellow bandanna in the back pocket is a sign that you like golden showers. Garrity says he knows what it means, and that he's not gay. The guy in line argues that it actually means Garrity's into chubby chasers. The two men argue over the meaning of the bandanna, and Garrity gets up and goes home, knocking over a cardboard cutout in the process.
Tommy calls his dad and gets the answering machine. His dad hasn't changed the outgoing message since his wife died, which is just another small sad thing about a death in the family. Tommy asks his dad where he is, sighs, and hangs up.
Lou goes to a firehouse, looking for Greg Kelley. He finds him, and Greg is a fairly nondescript, balding guy. I mean, Lou's no calendar model, but he's definitely better-looking than Greg. Lou introduces himself, and Greg knows exactly who he is.
Lou and Greg go to a bar for a drink. Lou says he thought about hitting Greg, but now he doesn't know what he wants to do. Greg says he's married with six kids. Lou asks how the affair started. Greg says he was coming out of church, and he saw Phyllis, but he's not sure how it started. Lou asks how many times they've had sex. Greg says it wasn't many, maybe six or eight. He says it's not really about that. Lou asks what it is about. Greg doesn't know, but he thinks Phyllis is funny. All she really wants to do is sit there and drink wine and eat cookies and watch old TV shows while snuggling. Lou looks really, really sad.
Chief is sitting on Laura's toilet when he realizes that his ass is stuck. He yells out for help. Laura says hello through the door and asks what's wrong. Chief says he's stuck. Laura says it must be the glue she put on there. Chief orders her to get in there and help him, but Laura points out that the door is locked from the inside. Chief tells her to get the guys to knock the door down. Laura starts to go, and Chief says that it really stinks in there. He asks her to turn off the lights before she goes. Laura does, and sarcastically promises to get the guys right away. Chief lights a match and makes faces at the smell.
Tommy walks into his dad's house. He finds his father lying on the kitchen floor. He rushes over, but Pa Gavin assures him that he just fell, and that he's fine. Tommy helps him up, and then they walk into the dining room. Pa Gavin assures Tommy that he's fine. Tommy finds a joint sitting on the table and asks what that's about. Pa says that it was left over from Teddy's house, and that he didn't want it to go to waste. Tommy is angry that he was so worried, and it turns out his dad got high and fell down. Pa argues that he's using it for "medicinal purposes," for his glaucoma. Tommy points out that his father doesn't have glaucoma, and Pa says that the pot is "keeping it at bay." Tommy yells that his father is going to move in with him. Pa tries to say no, and then grabs the joint again. Tommy runs back in and snatches it out of his hand. Pa giggles and grabs his container of pot.
Tommy and Pa Gavin walk into Tommy's house, where Teddy and Arlo are making paella. Tommy asks if Teddy gave his father pot, and Teddy asks, "Recently?" Arlo pops into view, and Pa asks, "What's up with the dwarf?" Arlo gets angry, and Teddy says that when Arlo has a few drinks, "he's got the strength of ten men." Teddy reports that they did great at OTB today, and that Tommy's money's on his dresser. Tommy is pleased, and says that his father will be staying with them for a few weeks, so they might need to shift things around. Teddy's fine with that. Tommy starts looking around for his dog. Teddy says, "About the dog..." Arlo yells out, "Your dog's dead." Tommy can't believe it. Teddy says he took him out for a walk, and he got hit by a car. Tommy asks why the dog wasn't on a leash, and Teddy says he thought he was, but he wasn't. Tommy doesn't understand, and Teddy uses the excuse that he's too fat. Tommy starts yelling at Teddy and stomps out. Pa grabs his suitcase and heads upstairs.
Tommy sits in his back yard and grabs one of his dog's bones. He stares at it for a while, and then starts crying. Soon, he is sobbing, or at least doing Tommy's version of that.