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Here is the most important thing that happens: Henry fucks a lady out a window. OUT. A. WINDOW. Now that Mary and Francis are married, shit has gotten real, y'all. Henry asks Evil Anne to help him move the body and cover up the death, because the lady he banged out a window was the sister of the visiting Archduke of Bohemia, and her accidental death could cause a war. Evil Anne agrees and proves deliciously competent, because she is a baller.
As Henry promised, he's been introducing Kenna to gentlemen who might like to marry her, such as, for instance, the archduke of Bohemia. She has to pretend to be all virginal and sweet to appeal to the very religious archduke, and she's just about to close the deal when Sister Archduke's body goes plummeting past, as Henry and Evil Anne have chucked her out the window of her own bedroom. The distraught archduke eventually buys Henry and Evil Anne's cockamamie story of how Sister Archduke took a header (or two) out of the castle and leaves without marrying Kenna. So Henry still gets to bang Kenna, and now he has an excellent way of disposing of troublesome sex ladies he's tired of.
Lola's Paris tryst with Francis has, of course, gotten her pregnant. Kenna refers Lola to a castle maidservant who used to be chubby and sad, then disappeared for a while and came back skinny and happy, so clearly she knows where to procure an abortion. Lola heads off to get herself unpregnant, but Mary finds out and stops her -- and then Lola tells her the baby is Francis's. Mary cries and screams and everyone is sad -- most of all Lola -- because she doesn't actually want to grow up to be Diane de Poitiers (although I don't know why not, because Diane is great).
And Bash, on his ramblings, finds Francis's ex-girlfriend Olivia in the woods. She's basically feral and something (the pagans? Squirrels?) has been chewing on her. He brings her back to the castle so Nostradamus can take care of her, and then sneaks into Mary's room to tell her how the guards Francis charged with taking him to his ship in Spain tried to kill him. She doesn't want to believe him, but tells Francis about Bash's visit. Francis gets all upset and pouty that Mary doesn't trust him. After helping Mary find Lola, Bash leaves again, but he shacks up with a local bow-hunting lass who makes eyes at him and only has a kinda possessive brother rather than a murderous husband. Improvement!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: Mary and Francis got married, then had sex. Henry made Bash watch, and then booted him out of the castle. Soldiers -- possibly hired by Francis or Evil Anne -- tried to kill Bash, but failed.
Some time later (because it's snowing), Mary and Francis return from their honeymoon. Neither of them is delighted to be returning to court. Mary, in fact, dreads it, even though Francis assures her all their earlier problems (Nostradamus's visions, Evil Anne, Bash) have dispersed.
In the throne room, Henry and Evil Anne greet the Archduke of Bohemia and his sister. The goal of today's diplomatic negotiations is avoiding a war, since a French ship fired on a Bohemian one. Henry says it was an accident; the archduke doesn't really believe him. As Evil Anne says France is so, so sorry, Henry makes sex eyes at Kenna while Cecilia (that would be Sister Archduke) makes sex eyes at Henry.
Later, Henry and Kenna discuss how he's supposed to be presenting her with acceptable suitors. The last few were rubbish, so now Henry's throwing the archduke at her. The only problem is that the archduke will want a virgin bride. Kenna makes a little squeak of dismay, but Henry assures her that he'll make sure no one at court mentions her amorous experiences. Henry introduces Kenna and Archduke Ferdinand, then excuses himself to flirt with Cecilia. Kenna plays bashful -- she's terrible at it.
Francis and Mary arrive back at court with a trumpet fanfare. Greer observes that they look happy, which is 16th century code for "ya got sex hair, ya got it from him, girl." Mary bubbles over with enthusiasm about how they've been humping like bunnies all over France and when she came up for air, she had time to find boyfriends for everyone! Hey, what happened to Greer's kitchen man wench? Is there just a pit of discarded men out back of Fontainebleu? Lola stares at Francis awkwardly.
Evil Anne greets the blushing bride, then immediately drags her son away for a word. She tells him Bash didn't make it to Spain, which shocks him. It seems he legitimately intended those guards to take Bash to a ship in Spain. Evil Anne informs him of the guards' deaths, but confirms that Bash's body wasn't found. Henry's men are looking for him.
Bash has taken himself to the tundra, it seems. He's going all Natty Bumppo across a snowy landscape, armed with a crossbow, but he's not paying quite close enough attention, because some wannabe Katniss Everdeen tackles him and then points out that he nearly blundered into her boar trap. And while he calls himself a tracker, he's actually a complete idiot, because the trap was covered with leaves…in a clearing surrounded by evergreens. Der.
Katniss takes Bash home with her, as you do when you find a scruffy hottie in the woods. She introduces Bash to her brother, Carrick, and hands over the pheasants she shot. Bash assures Carrick he's just passing through, but before they can officially begin their pissing contest, there's a rustling in the underbrush. Carrick draws his bow to shoot the boar, but what's crawling toward them is definitely human: it's Francis's ex-girlfriend, Olivia. Last seen stumbling through the castle's tunnels, completely lost.
Back at the castle, all Mary's ladies are dressing up in the frocks she brought them. She brought a white one for Kenna. "How utterly virginal," Kenna comments. "How utterly ironic," Greer returns. Lola isn't wearing her gown; she says it was a little tight. BASTARD PRINCE ALERT. Greer nosily inquires if Mary is pregnant yet and Lola's face bursts into flames. Mary embarrassingly says two months isn't so very long, then offers some marzipan to Lola, who nearly vomits everywhere, because she is so clearly up the stick.
Katniss asks how Bash knows Olivia, because her impossibly fine silk dress indicates she's clearly nobility. The inside of her arm is slashed; Carrick recognizes the wounds and says, "She's been fed on. She can't stay." He tells Bash to get her away from their home before she attracts whatever was eating her. Olivia panics, grabs a knife and starts slicing at her arm, yelling, "Take my blood!" She faints as Carrick and Katniss solemnly intone that the darkness has chosen her. Well, this is silly.
Archduke Ferdinand explains that he's been a widower more than a year, and his advisers want him to remarry. Kenna, in her virginal white dress, commiserates bashfully, then asks if it's sinful that he makes her heart beat faster. He kisses her cheek and she tries to remember how to react. She's hilariously terrible at pretending to be modest, but Archduke Ferdinand is delighted with her fakeness.
At that very moment, Henry is nailing Cecilia up against a wall. Archduke Ferdinand tells Kenna she and his sister are cut from the same cloth. He has no idea.
And then Henry fucks Cecilia right out the window and just stands there, royal wang flapping in the wind. And I cannot stop laughing.
Bash brings an unconscious Olivia back to the castle, to Sexy Nostradamus's workroom. Nostradamus hurriedly gets rid of the drug-seeking priest he was helping and starts tending to Olivia. Bash wonders if the pagans did this to her, and asks Nostradamus if the bite marks are human or animal. Nostradamus says there's nothing evil in the woods -- only humans are evil. He shoos Bash out and says he'll care for Olivia.
Mary arrives in Evil Anne's room, where the queen is sorting through her various potions. Evil Anne wants to talk about how Mary and Francis have been screwing six ways to Sunday for two months and she's not sprogged up with a royal heir yet. Mary's all, could we please not talk about what your son likes to do to my vagina? Evil Anne just ignores her and starts handing over armloads of vials, with instructions for where to rub things.
Henry comes barreling in and asks to speak with Evil Anne privately. He tells her the problem. Evil Anne doesn't burst out laughing like I did; she's horrified that Henry's just given the Bohemians a great reason to start a war. He pleads with her to help, but she realizes that he wants her to be implicated so he'll have some leverage over her. (Can't he just un-pardon her and have her executed any time he wants?)
In exchange for her help, Evil Anne demands the chateau at Chenonceau, which Henry gave to Diane as a gift. Dear God, I love this woman so much. Henry reluctantly agrees, as long as only he and Evil Anne know about the real circumstances of Cecilia's death. "Don't try to school a professional, Henry," Evil Anne sneers.
Kenna swans into Lola's room to talk about how Lola banged Francis. Lola barfs everywhere. Kenna has guessed that Lola's pregnant and says delightedly, "There's no better way for a royal mistress to secure her place -- look at Diane!" She's super jealous and wishes Henry had gotten her pregnant, but he prevents any more surprise Valoises by using condoms (which Lola has of course never heard of. There's so much agonizing, sphincter-tightening sex ed in this episode).
Lola is horrified at how Mary will react to the news of the pregnancy, not to mention her family in Scotland. Kenna starts rambling about how Mary will forgive her eventually and Francis will probably let her raise the baby, as long as Lola holds his interest… Lola's all, I WANT TO GO BACK TO NARNIA. AND BY NARNIA I MEAN ABORTIONLAND. Kenna remembers one of her servants getting a little fat, disappearing for a few days, and then coming back thinner. Maybe she can help.
Mary comes into her room to find Bash waiting for her. He tells her how he came to not be in Spain, and she can't believe Francis would order his brother's death. Bash is all, remember the whole thing where we almost made him un-king? He might be holding a wee grudge! Queen Mary Denialface still doesn't want to believe it, and says even if Bash could prove it, that wouldn't change anything.
Bash growls that proof might change how Mary feels about Francis. And if Bash knew Francis tried to kill him, he swears he'll kill him. Mary's all, remember how Francis is going to be king? Threatening to kill him is treason. Bash tells her to figure out what kind of man she's married, and tells her to put a light in her window if she needs him, then ghosts away.
Henry and Evil Anne scrub Cecilia's blood out of the floorboards while he moans about how difficult it is washing things: "Our clothes go away dirty and they come back clean! How do they do it?" Evil Anne doesn't understand this "laundry" he speaks of either (she thinks the servants dip the clothes in something, maybe?) and hopes that the stain will just look like spilled wine once they pick up "all the solid bits." They roll Cecilia up in a rug so they can smuggle her back to her room and chuck her out the correct window.
Lola has asked Kenna's maid to help her. The girl says it's truly dangerous to get rid of a pregnancy, and many girls don't survive. Lola insists: she wants to know where to go, pretending the advice is for a friend. She pays off the reluctant girl.
Henry and Evil Anne, hilariously inept at doing anything remotely physical, struggle to get Cecilia's body up a flight of stairs. They drop her a few times.
The drug-seeking priest comes back to Nostradamus's room, looking for laudanum. Instead he finds Olivia, thrashing around on a pallet in her sleep. He tries to exorcise her demon, but when Olivia wakes up and sees the silver cross dangling on a chain around his neck, she grabs it and stabs the priest to death with it.
Francis comes into their bedroom and wants to know why Mary interrogated his guards about Bash. She asks if he ordered Bash's death (and in doing so tells Francis Bash was in the castle). They argue. Francis is hurt that Mary would suspect him of ordering his brother's death and says that he could manufacture evidence of his innocence if he wanted to. But he wants Mary to trust him, the same way he believed her when she said Evil Anne was trying to kill her. Mary wants Francis to trust Bash, too, but Francis thinks Bash killed the guards so he could stay close to Mary.
Francis swears that he didn't order Bash's death, but says Bash also isn't safe from him, which he says Mary can tell Bash when he returns -- as Francis is sure he will. Francis leaves, and Mary puts a candle in her window.
Evil Anne composes a suicide note for Cecilia as Henry fluffs the bedding. He keeps criticizing the emotions Evil Anne is projecting onto Cecilia, then dictates that Cecilia killed herself because she loved a man she could never have: "ruggedly handsome, with the sexual prowess of a lion." Evil Anne barely manages not to split her stays from laughing so hard. She puts the note to the bed and helps Henry lift the body so they can hurl her out the window.
Kenna's still flirting shyly with Archduke Ferdinand, asking if he'll kiss her on the lips. He pecks her quickly and she grabs him by the collar and lays one on him. When they come up for air, he gasps that she's "positively fluent in the language of love." Kenna, realizing she's overshot the mark, hopefully chalks it up to beginner's luck. This idiot believes her, again, and leans in for another kiss just as his sister's body goes soaring past the window behind him. Kenna screams and Archduke Ferdinand rushes off.
The morning, Kenna bitches to Mary about Cecilia's poor suicide timing. They come into Lola's room and her servant apologizes that Lola is absent. Elsewhere, Lola has found her friendly neighborhood abortionist. The woman offers her a piece of leather to bite on.
Mary asks Bash to help her go through the Blood Wood to find Lola as quickly as possible. (Kenna guessed what Lola was up to, and I suppose they interrogated the servant?) Bash says this idea is idiotic, but agrees, because he will basically do anything for Mary.
Sexy Nostradamus intercepts Henry and Evil Anne as they're heading to the throne room to see the archduke. He informs them that one of his patients -- "not fully in control of their own faculties" -- killed Father Leduc. Evil Anne's all, yeah, yeah, more important things to worry about!
Like how Archduke Ferdinand doesn't believe Cecilia's suicide note, because she didn't know how to write. Henry pinches up his forehead, as if he's making a mental note to start giving these tramps literacy tests. Archduke Ferdinand is convinced that Cecilia's death was foul play, and if someone in the castle killed her, there will certainly be war between France and Bohemia.
Evil Anne interrupts to say she knows who killed Cecilia—her lover. As Henry gags to her, Evil Anne explains that she accidentally walked in on Cecilia banging a man the night before. She'd planned to keep it quiet -- "As my husband will attest, I'm not a judgmental person. …Henry?" "She's really not" -- but now she's suspicious in light of Cecilia's death. Evil Anne says she had the lover tortured, and he confessed that Cecilia threw herself out a window, ashamed of her sluttiness. And the lover wrote the suicide note, she finishes grandly. Archduke Ferdinand, Europe's most gullible man, swallows all of this. But he also wants to see Cecilia's lover.
So they give him Father Leduc's corpse. Archduke Ferdinand can't believe Evil Anne tortured a priest and she gropes about for an excuse, finally landing on saying he wasn't wearing his collar at the time. Archduke Ferdinand, terribly embarrassed and ashamed of his whorish sister, wants to put it about that Cecilia drowned in the river so no one hears all these filthy details. The king and queen try not to agree so hastily that they blow the whole deal.
Mary and Bash race toward the abortionist's hut. The woman is about to begin her work when they hear Mary hollering Lola's name. Mary pleads with Lola to come home, saying she doesn't care how it happened and she'll help her. Lola cries that if Mary only knew…and then Mary figures it out and recoils. Lola tearfully confirms that she's carrying chinless guppy spawn.
Outside, Mary tells Bash she didn't send him the signal because of Lola, she did it because she talked to Francis and she believes him. And she wants Bash to leave. "There's nothing for you here," she says. But he wants to stay where she is and protect her from the court. Mary repeats that she's married, so Bash isn't allowed to care for her. She asks him to hate her if he has to hate someone. He whispers that he would if he could.
Henry and Evil Anne ramble companionably through the main hall, talking about their awesome adventures together and what a good team they make. He asks her to stay with him, then leans in to kiss her. She stops him with a palm on his chest and tells him not to ruin their nice day.
Mary and Lola arrive back at the castle, with Lola still pregnant. Lola apologizes, and Mary asks if it's for sleeping with her husband or for getting knocked up. Lola protests weakly that Mary was engaged to Bash, and Francis never thought he'd see Mary again. Mary cries that Lola knew she would see Mary again, and she knew Mary still loved Francis. (Did she? Even Mary seemed kind of squishy on that point.)
Lola apologizes over and over again. Mary composes herself and asks if Francis knows about the imminent bastard. Lola says he doesn't and she doesn't want him to. She begs for time to think about her options. If Francis knows about the baby, Lola essentially belongs to him. She says the baby will change her life, but it doesn't have to change Mary's, if they keep it a secret. Mary can't quite deal with the idea of keeping a secret from her husband. Ugh, princess. Have you learned nothing?
Bash returns to Katniss and Carrick's house, where the boar is roasting on a spit. She invites him in for dinner, but he says he's leaving France and just came to say good-bye. She insists he stay for supper, and the night, and also that he have sex with her. Bash, this girl is a lot nicer to you. Maybe you should stay here. He comments on the rose tattoo on her hand, and she says she used to pick roses. "They cut me to pieces, but I didn't care." He says she didn't care because they were beautiful, just as she is, and kisses her. And the anvils of Sometimes You Do Things Even Though They Hurt You fall from the ceiling and knock me unconscious.
Henry beats on a jousting dummy in his room. Kenna comes rampaging in and complains that the archduke left without even saying good-bye. Henry's reminds her about the unfortunate the dead sister business and promises there will be other suitors, but he's happy to have her stay at court awhile longer. He pulls her up from the bed and then over to the window so they can have sex exactly the way Cecilia got killed. Oh my god. Henry seems to consider letting Kenna fall as she goes to town on his neck.
Sexy Nostradamus straps Olivia to her bed and asks her if she remembers killing the priest. She mutters, "It's close. The darkness. It's coming. And it will take us all." Sexy Nostradamus looks like he's considering taking up something nice and peaceful, like exploring the New World.
Separately, Evil Anne and Lola both stare pensively out into the night. Francis lies in bed to Mary, about as far away from her as he can get. She's wide awake, staring at his back.
time: Mary screams at Lola. And since he got away with it once, Henry kills another girl he's slept with.