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A trio of arrivals at court interrupts the plans for Mary and Bash's wedding: Francis arrives from Paris to beg for his mother's life, with Lola in tow; Henry returns to sort out the line of succession; and Mary of Guise, queen regent of Scotland, shows up to get her recalcitrant daughter married to the correct French prince.
Sexy Nostradamus's visions have changed since Clarissa's death. He no longer thinks Mary and Francis's marriage will result in Francis's death, and he tells Evil Anne as much. She growls that if his ravings result in her execution, she'll ensure he's burned for witchcraft before she goes.
Mama Mary produces a fake messenger from England, who lies that Mary Tudor is dead, so Henry commands Mary to choose a prince and get hitched immediately so she can claim the throne. Mary picks Francis and breaks Bash's heart, but not before the boys have an entirely unathletic fistfight in a graveyard. It's rather sad, actually.
So Mary and Francis tie the knot, finally. Kenna wheedles her way back into Henry's bed and extracts from him a promise to introduce her to eligible (read: wealthy) suitors in exchange for continued access to her ladybits. Henry pardons Evil Anne, who in turn gratefully apologizes to Nostradamus for threatening to torch him. And then Henry forces Bash to watch Francis having sex with Mary, just to stomp on his heart that much more, because Henry is more of a bastard than his son ever was.
And Clarissa's alive, which scares the hell out of Nostradamus, almost as much as his sudden change in prophecy: Mary and Francis's marriage will only last a year, and produce no heirs. I'm sure he'll be delighted when he's proved correct.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: Mary broke up with Francis, so he fucked off to the Moulin Rouge and then banged Lola. Now Mary's going to marry Bash. Clarissa -- who is Evil Anne of Green Gables's illegitimate daughter and not a ghost -- kidnapped baby princes Charlie and Henriño, so Mary hit her with a rock. And King Henry's about to have Evil Anne executed for adultery.
Evil Anne's servants dress her to go to her death as she instructs the executioner, in voiceover, to cut swiftly and true so her children don't see her suffer. Oh, and she doesn't want him to damage her necklace, as she's promised it to one of her ladies. As Evil Anne puts her head on the block, a lady holds a list in front of her face. Evil Anne straightens up abruptly and snaps, "Prawns? My youngest daughter can't eat them." It's the menu for Mary and Bash's wedding. Ha! Evil Anne continues directing the wedding preparations while rehearsing her execution, because some things have to be done by a queen.
At a cottage in the woods, Lola has just finished getting dressed when Francis raps on the door and lets himself in. They make some couple small talk about how Francis is worried Evil Anne is already dead, with Lola trying to soothe him. Francis's plan is to convince Henry to hand over Evil Anne and the little Valois-Medicis so he can set them up in a castle somewhere and then Francis will ramble on, like a rambling man, to Morocco or Sweden. They both wish each other long lives, far away from each other, and happy marriages and children. (I don't know how Lola's life will work out. Although with her penchant for inappropriate men it surely won't be boring. But Francis should, you know, not get his hopes up.) They straighten out the story they're going to tell Mary --about how they just happened to meet each other at a chateau while separately journeying toward court! -- before hitting the road.
Sexy Nostradamus finishes sexing up some redheaded castle wench and boots her out of his bed. She pleads with him to let her stay and says she just wants to know he's going to be okay. He brushes off her concerns, then says he sometimes feels he's lost his gift, so to get back in contact with it, he hangs himself until he's nearly dead. This didn't end well for David Carradine, Nostradamus.
The girl watches him dangle and choke until she can't stand it anymore, then rushes over and pulls the rope free of the hook on the wall, dropping Nostradamus to the floor. He gasps and grouches that he wasn't done with his vision, but says what he did see changes everything: "I will die for this. The queen will kill me herself."
Bash and Mary survey the preparation, whispering to each other that Evil Anne is surely throwing one hell of a last party. As Henry comes in, she says snarkily that clearly she has to do everything: "Shall I catch my head in my own hands, too?" She wants to discuss her tomb. She wanted a Florentine sculptor and twenty tons of marble, which Henry says he can't afford. But the whole point of Evil Anne is that she's rich. He complains that she's dragging out the process, to which she wheedles that Bash hasn't been legitimized yet, so why kill her if that falls through and Francis will be dauphin again? Henry clings to his whole "treasonous adulterer" excuse, and Evil Anne coolly returns to her wedding plans.
A sudden trumpet fanfare announces an unexpected royal visitor: It's Mary of Guise, Teen of Scots's mother, played by Amy Brenneman. I hope this show is a little nicer to her than those bastards on Private Practice were. The makeup artists are certainly kinder. Mama Mary surveys the throne room -- complete with executioner's axe in front of the throne -- and murmurs, "The French court has gone to hell." She greets her daughter.
Up in Mary's room, Mama Mary summarizes, "So I sent you here to wed a king and find you engaged to a bastard." She's none too pleased with how Mary effed over all her careful negotiations because of some ridiculous charlatan's prophecy. Mary wants to have a nice reunion and some girl time with her mother rather than being scolded, since she hasn't seen Mama Mary in years, but Mama Mary instantly climbs up on her cross of martyrdom and sniffs that she visited the convent for Mary's eleventh birthday. "Half the ship's crew died along the way, but I was there, gift in hand," she says. Oh, she's good.
Mary tries to explain all the things she loves about Bash, but when Mama Mary asks if she loves him, Mary hedges that she's beginning to. Mama Mary is confident they can still save the alliance. She explains that not only is Scotland having England problems, but the country is close to falling into dreaded Protestantism. (Hey, Protestantism's not so bad. I get to eat meat today if I want.) She wants Mary to go back to the original plan of marrying Francis, but Mary sticks to her guns. And there's nothing Mama Mary can do, since Teen of Scots is the actual monarch.
Mary goes barreling into Bash's room to complain about her mom. She wants to elope immediately so Mama Mary can't interfere. Bash loves this idea. He leaves Mary to go find a church and a priest and get all the things prepared and tells her where to meet him if he's not back by midday to fetch her. He kisses her and saucily says, "Don't plan on sleeping this night, wife." Oh, Bash. You are too sweet for this world.
In the throne room, Mama Mary looks at the axe and wryly says it's so nice that Evil Anne has free run of the castle again. Her "British" (WHICH SHOULD BE FRENCH) accent deserts her completely when she pointedly asks Evil Anne how the dungeon was, "Were there fleas?" Evil Anne asks that Mama Mary not mock her, so Mama Mary drops all pretense of civility and snaps that she trusted Evil Anne with her daughter's life. Well, that was fucking stupid.
Evil Anne smartly points out that Mama Mary literally traded her only child to France for security, so Mama Mary wails a little about how her husband kicked off, leaving her with a six-day old girl, and then ridicules Evil Anne for trusting a magician's fortune-telling. They bicker some more and Mama Mary hits the wine, because Shonda Rhimes habits die hard. Evil Anne quietly, almost tiredly, says she's lost her battle with Henry, so it's up to Mama Mary if she wants Teen of Scots and Francis wed.
Greer brings out a veil for Mary to wear just as Lola and Francis come sailing into the front hall. Mary's all, WHY IS MY CHINLESS EX HERE ON MY WEDDING DAY, OMG. She and Francis make big sad angst eyes at each other for like an hour as Lola prattles on about how she met Francis at a chateau and their carriage got swept away so they had to ride horses like hobos (blah blah) and the ladies escort her away just to make her stop talking.
Francis stiffly says he's just here to plead for Evil Anne's life and then he'll leave. Mary totally understands, and says she knows he doesn't want it to look like he's hanging around trying to reclaim the throne. "Or anything else that now belongs to my brother," he says, constipated.
Evil Anne gives Clarissa's mask to Sexy Nostradamus, which he accepts sadly, and tells him where she was buried (or where she was supposed to be buried). She wonders if Clarissa ever had any happiness, and also what will become of Clarissa's soul as her body lies in unhallowed ground. (Maybe you should've baptized her, huh? Or not chucked her out as an infant like a piece of garbage?) Nostradamus reassures her that when she was a child some of the villagers were nice to her. They even taught her songs, which she used to sing while wandering the castle's tunnels. Yeah, that's not terrifying at all.
Then Sexy Nostradamus reluctantly confesses his latest auto-erotic hallucination. His visions of Francis's death stopped when Clarissa died, he says, and now he wonders if it might be possible that Francis could live safely with Mary. Evil Anne's face is so rigid with horror I think her jaw might just snap off. "I warned you that Francis, your firstborn, would die because of Mary," he says. But of course, Francis wasn't the firstborn. Evil Anne grabs Sexy Nostradamus by the lapels and makes to throttle him for getting her sentenced to death because of his stupid fucking feelings. And now he's seen Mary and Francis happy together. In his vision, they're lying in bed, grinning at each other and discussing their children. Ah, so Nostradamus is entirely full of shit.
Evil Anne dissolves into tears as she asks Sexy Nostradamus to clarify that he sees Mary and Francis years into their marriage, with an heir. He's all, "Yep. So tell Henry you want Mary and Francis to get married right quick!" She screams that she's been "CONVICTED OF TREASON, REMEMBER?" But she didn't know that Francis came back to court. So her task now is to convince Mary she still loves and wants to marry Francis. If she can't do it, she'll die, and she swears that before she's beheaded she'll see Sexy Nostradamus burned alive. She runs out and he kind of shrugs like, well, that went better than I was expecting.
Evil Anne runs into the main hall of the castle to embrace Francis. He suffers her kissing him a million times then says he's planning to go find Henry out where he's hunting. Evil Anne pulls him aside and tells him, "Hey, remember when I tried to kill your childhood playmate/fiancé like 47 different ways and sent a rapist to her bed and threw your ex-girlfriend at your penis and basically was an insane bitch, all because my pet hallucinator told me you might die one day? Yeah, you should totally forget all that and marry Mary and be king of France and I won't get my head chopped off…whee!"
Francis is understandably a bit confuddled (although, really, he always looks like that). Evil Anne says since he never believed Nostradamus, he should go on not believing and marry the queen of Scotland for all sorts of reasons. Because he still loves Mary, because it will save his mother's and brothers' lives, etc. Mama Mary pops up sinisterly and aligns herself with the forces of pragmatism as she snarks, "Your magic has changed. How silly and marvelous." She tells Francis to go chase after Mary and tells him where she's gone to marry Bash.
Bash paces around the snow-covered church graveyard. Francis finds him before Mary can, and tells Bash he doesn't need to elope with Mary, because Evil Anne isn't crazy anymore. Bash takes that about as well as you'd guess, since Francis has already nailed Mary but he hasn't gotten to yet. They shout at each other and then start rolling around on the ground, punching each other. Mary rides up, hollering at both of them, and leaps off her horse to pry them apart.
Francis yells that Mary doesn't have to marry Bash, who's so exasperated with all the prophecy nonsense. And also kind of sad and desperate, because he really does seem to love her. Then Francis gasps out the howlingly silly line, "Your fate is your own when it comes to who you will marry!" As long as you choose the guy you were promised to when you were six.
Mary storms back into Evil Anne's room and yells at her for lying to her to save her own life. Evil Anne silently turns to her dressing table and smashes some crockery, then slashes her own wrist with a shard. She tells Mary to do nothing and let her die, if that's what she has to do to prove to Mary she's serious. Man, it has been a bad year for moms and wrists on television. Evil Anne, who has cunningly worn a dress that hides the bloodstains, is weakening from blood loss. She collapses into a chair and, as casually as possible while bleeding everywhere, tells Mary to talk to Sexy Nostradamus about the prophecy if she likes. Mary grabs a rag and puts pressure on Evil Anne's gushing wrist as she confesses that she loves both Bash and Francis. A servant interrupts to say that King Henry demands their presence.
Henry delivers news from a messenger: Mary Tudor is dead, and she passed without naming a successor. This pleases Mama Mary immensely. Henry wants Mary to claim England immediately, before Elizabeth can. So she'll need to marry the heir tonight. Mary replies that she'll control her own life, and she won't be bullied. I realize it's nothing new, but this show must give historians screaming nightmares.
Henry storms into his room and flings his mantle away. A servant behind him says Kenna has asked to see him, and when Henry refuses, the servant elaborates: Kenna has asked him to tell the king she's naked under her robe. Henry allows her in. Kenna smirks about how nice it is to see Henry standing up again rather than being bossed around by a girl. He's unimpressed by her seduction techniques. She (still) wants him to get her a noble husband, and he says her current behavior (flashing him) isn't convincing him to send her away. She agrees to stay at the castle and keep sleeping with him even after her marriage, then unties her robe and kisses him. (No, seriously. What happened to Robert?) Henry agrees to introduce her to one suitor a week, and then they fuck.
Mary's room. Mary asks Greer if she's found Mama Mary, but she hasn't. Evil Anne knocks and enters, asking for a moment with Mary. She hands over what she says is a letter from the Vatican, about Bash's legitimization, and says she's sure Mary loves one of the men more. Mary confesses she's afraid, then opens the letter. "Now you're free…to go to the man you love," Evil Anne says, as if Mary really has a choice about anything. CHOOSE YOURSELF, MARY.
Bash's room, where Bash is shirtless and dabbing at the bruises Francis put on his face. Mary lets herself in and ogles him briefly, then says she can't marry him. He protests and says he'll be king and he'll protect her, and she can be herself with him. He promises he'll always put her first, and then in a whisper begs her to tell him she loves him. She does, but also says she loves Francis more. She leaves.
Francis stumbles out into the main hall and Mary flings herself at his face. They make out and then she holds up the letter between them -- it was blank. Mary says Evil Anne helped her understand how she really felt. "It's always been you," Mary cries, and then agrees to marry him. Ughhh. Take a good look at that axe in the throne room, kid. Mary makes Francis promise to protect Bash, and he agrees really quickly. When would be a good time to tell her he banged her friend?
Francis lets himself into Bash's room and apologizes insincerely for what happened lately, then tells Bash to leave court. He's instructed his guards to take Bash to a ship on the southern coast of Spain. Bash knows that Francis doesn't have to banish him -- he wants to. The brothers snipe bitterly at each other a little more, and Francis leaves, but not before telling Bash he has to go far away if he wants to live. I actually think the brothers' friendship is a bigger casualty of the past thirteen episodes than Aylee.
Wedding day! Mama Mary is practically giddy as she sorts through Mary's jewelry. Greer laces up Mary's corset as the exposition fairy tells us Henry pardoned Evil Anne. Mama Mary holds up a pair of earrings that she says Mary's father, James, gave her, and advises her to pop out some heirs right quick, because a queen's power comes from her sons. "Though we've handled the misfortune of your sex, haven't we? Brave girls are we."
Out of the Queen's earshot, Lola needles Kenna a little about what a slut she is, running back to the king's bedroom and all. Kenna mildly points out that the chateau Lola said she stayed in, the one where she met Francis, burned down a year ago. So they should go embroider themselves some matching red A's, no? Mama Mary calls them to their duty, attending Mary.
Sexy Nostradamus is surveying the wedding buffet when he hears a servant girl singing a song (one he told Evil Anne earlier that Clarissa used to sing in the tunnels). He asks who she is and why she's singing, and the poor tone-deaf thing confesses, terrified, that she was paid to sing it near him. She doesn't know who paid the girl who told her to sing. Nostradamus flees, freaked out as all hell.
Chapel. Evil Anne observes dryly that the messenger who delivered the news of Mary Tudor's death is absent. She guesses that Mama Mary bribed him to bring false news. Mama Mary shrugs, all, so what if I did? I'm a boss.
Mary, her three ladies behind her, enters the chapel, and Francis, up on the altar -- still with a pretty good shiner from Bash's fist -- stops fidgeting nervously. (I'm not going to bother pointing out that brides didn't traditionally wear white till the Victorian era, because what would be the point?) Mary meets Francis and they kneel before the priest. She glances back at her mother just before signing her name to the…wedding contract? I guess? Mama Mary, Evil Anne, and Henry all look on approvingly.
Wintry forest. Sexy Nostradamus finds where the soldiers threw Clarissa's body, and the cloak she'd been covered with. He also finds blood and footprints leading away from the would-be grave.
And now it's time for the party. Mary and Francis run into their reception while everyone throws rose petals and what sounds like an American Idol runner-up croons on the soundtrack. The bride and groom start the dancing. Even Evil Anne joins in, because she's just fucking delighted to still have her head attached.
Henry, in the main hall, interrupts Bash, who was trying to make a graceful exit. Henry has a better idea, though: he tells Bash he's not leaving quite yet. And just before Henry's last line I guessed that he was going to make Bash marry Kenna and I laughed like an insane person for a solid minute. I still wish that's what he'd done, because it would have been awesome and hilarious instead of incredibly sad and icky.
Mama Mary, who's flaunting her cougar cleavage, sidles up to Mary and says she has good news: Mary Tudor's still alive. (How is that good news, least of all for poor suffering Mary Tudor?) Mary sees her mother's scheming, which Mama Mary doesn't deny. She just says sometimes people need a little push, even queens. She smirks that Bash will get over his broken heart. Mary, crushed, hisses at her mother to get the hell out of France. She tells her mother to continue ruling Scotland in her stead; Mary won't be returning until Mama Mary has failed… or is dead.
Nostradamus reenters the party and stares at Mary and Francis. His vision of them lying in bed, chatting about the children, turns to Mary crying, "Promise me you'll try. One year of marriage isn't enough. Fight, Francis, please. And I'll give you children, unless you die of an ear infection like a tiny infirm idiot!" Vision Francis stares at the ceiling and bleeds from the ear, then dies. Welp. Better not tell Evil Anne about that one.
The Queen of France rubs the arm of Nostradamus arm lovingly and says she's so happy he was brave enough to tell her Mary and Francis's fate had changed. He lies, "Yes. They will be together for many years."
Henry tells Bash what he's about to do is meant to ensure peace, to remind Bash, when and if he returns to France, of what is his and what isn't. Bash's hands are tied behind him as the king escorts him into the royal bedchamber where the priests (and Kenna, Greer, and Lola…AWKWARD) are witnessing Mary and Francis's wedding night. Everyone in the room has a desperate case of the squicks, which gets even worse when Mary opens her eyes and makes eye contact with Bash. Francis stops thrusting, even. Oh my god, this is the worst. Lola looks like she's going to vomit when she, like, recognizes something Francis is doing. Bash just looks like he wants to cry forever.
Forest. Henry's men have disarmed Bash, who's not particularly happy about that. He refuses an offer of water, then grabs one soldier's sword when the man carelessly walks near him. He kills one soldier then asks the other who paid him to kill Bash: Evil Anne or Francis? The man dies without answering.
time: Bash returns to the castle, and to Mary.