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Out in the hinterlands, Bash is all ready to finally leave France, except that it turns out the pagan family he's been staying with has been targeted by the bloodthirsty thing that was snacking on Olivia in the woods. They call it the Darkness, and if it smears blood on your door, that means you have to feed it one of your kids. Yeah, okay. The pagans think this is a totally reasonable idea, so they drug Bash when he protests, intending to feed him to the monster, but the monster isn't very discriminating and takes the daughter of the family instead. And Bash liked making out with the pagan daughter, so he swears to get her back. Short version: Bash is dumb and noble, part infinity.
At the castle, Lola is starting to panic about how she's knocked up and single, so Mary all but flings her at the pointy parts of the nearest eligible count. Philippe's rich and seems nice so Lola's like, sure, okay, let's do this, but then Francis sticks his ferrety little nose in everyone's business. First he tells Mary that Philippe is gay, then he confesses that he slept with Lola in Paris. Mary freaks out at Lola rather than at her husband. But after Francis ever so romantically nails her, Mary relents and tells Lola about Philippe's unsuitability in the taking-paternal-responsibility-for-that-baby-you're-gestating department, then counsels her to wait to be in love.
Greer's already pretty much in love with her kitchen man wench, Leith, and not just because he brings her hot biscuits. She gets a letter from her parents informing her that they've picked her a husband, who'll be arriving at the castle imminently. Rather than cry about it like some Scottish girls we know, Greer puts on a brave face and convinces a past suitor, Lord Castleroy, to offer Leith an apprenticeship in his Spanish spice-trading markets. That way Leith can rise above being a lifelong servant and doesn't have to witness Greer sadly marrying someone else. It's quite sweet, actually.
What's not sweet is how Henry has gone murder-bonkers. After getting away with accidentally killing Cecilia last week, he's escalated to asphyxiating his sex partners after he's gotten his rocks off. Waking up to a cold blue girl sends Kenna in a panicky sprint right to Evil Anne of Green Gables. The queen confronts Henry, but he's basically mad with sex power and filled with kingly self-righteousness. I'm pretty sure history teaches us that sort of thing can only end well, yes?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: Lola is pregnant with Francis's baby! Mary hates Lola! Francis hates Bash! The pagans have been nibbling on Olivia! And let us never, ever forget that Henry fucked a lady out a window. Because he did.
Kenna, who did not get de-fuck-estrated last week, comes to Henry's room to complain that he was a bit too rough when he tied her down the last time they had sex. Kenna is rigid and seems to be starting to understand that she might have bitten off more than she could chew with this whole royal mistress plan. Henry is blithely unapologetic, because apparently in flagrant accidental homicide has whetted his appetite for kinkiness? I do not think that's how it works. He promises to introduce Kenna to a fancy new man tonight and she's placated.
Henry then introduces his "new friend" Anna, and kisses her. He promises to make it worth Kenna's while if she has sex with Anna while he watches. Kenna and Anna get busy. And yet only like one or two people have been burned at the stake so far on this show.
While strolling in the snowy gardens with Mary, Lola tries to beg off the evening's First Night feast, because she has the bastard-spawn queasiness, but Mary insists that the feast isn't about food, it's about eligible gentlemen giving candles to the ladies they fancy. Even though Lola doesn't think she should be participating in candle-based flirtations, she's resolved to find a husband before her pregnancy becomes public knowledge so she doesn't become Francis's property. Mary has just the count to introduce her to! She's not particularly expansive, at first describing Count Philippe just as "a man of age to wed" before elaborating that, sure, he's also charming and well read and kind, all that drivel.
Greer and Leith are still having hot illicit make-out sessions (although how illicit they can be I don't know, since they're on her bed), and what a shame that Aylee never got any premarital sexing in her short life. Leith pries himself away from Greer's face because he has to go back to the kitchen and prepare the tons of festive cakes the nobles want for the feast.
Before he leaves, Leith passes along some gossip: the very rich Lord Castleroy, whom Greer has nicknamed Peppercorn, since all he ever talks about are his spice-trading interests, is back for the party and has his eye on Greer. She's not interested in the very boring Lord Peppercorn, but Leith points out she has no other suitors. "Except for you," Greer says, and Leith observes with no malice or jealousy that kitchen man-wenches don't count as legit suitors. She's unhappy that they can't be together for real, but he says he's fine with their making-out-only relationship. He belatedly hands over a letter from Greer's parents and then excuses himself.
In Sexy Nostradamus's infirmary, he asks Olivia what happened to her and why her hair has so much majestic body now. She recaps what happened last time we saw her: she was in the tunnels, waiting for Mary and the others, but got spooked fled to save her own skin. She ran into Clarissa and, terrified, just ran around the tunnels in a fright for some unspecified amount of time. Eventually she found her way out of the castle and into the woods, where she was grabbed by a group of peasants, who held her captive "while they watched the moon and spoke of the Darkness." She was drugged and chained to the ground and something fed on her. She doesn't know how long she was a captive, but one day she broke free and ran. Sexy Nostradamus is like…it's a good thing you're pretty, sweetheart, because that story is bonkers.
Katniss's cabin. She's none too pleased that Bash is leaving, because he's so pretty. She's also figured out who he is, and pragmatically observes that he's better off away from court and the vipers therein. He kisses her good-bye and says yes, he's really leaving France. But when they open the cabin door, the front door and the lintel are splashed with blood. Katniss explains that the blood means her family has been chosen and one of them will be sacrificed to the Darkness. Bash promises to keep the Everdeen family safe. So it looks like he's not leaving France just quite yet.
Back at the castle, Kenna wakes up naked in bed -- to Anna's dead body. Worst threesome ever.
First Night feast. Evil Anne of Green Gables is having a lovely time until Kenna interrupts with news that Henry has killed someone else. Evil Anne just rolls her eyes and mutters something under her breath about how she should have had that uppity motherfucker killed while her Medici relatives were in town. In the bedroom, Kenna dully says she was drunk and must have passed out. She says Henry has asked her to choke him before and she's sure he did this to Anna. Evil Anne instructs Kenna that if anyone asks, Anna walked out of Henry's chambers under her own power and mentioned going to visit a relative far away.
Lola and Mary arrive at the feast, and Lola keeps bitching about how queasy she is. I kind of can't believe she's not being more circumspect about the pregnancy, first, because there are servants around them all the time -- or there should be -- and second, because if she pisses Mary off, Mary's completely within her rights to make Lola marry a bootblack or something and sentence her to a life of raising peasant spawn. Or worse. Yet Mary is just gritting her teeth and pretending she doesn't want to backhand the bastard right out of Lola. Ugh. I want Mary to be meaner, like, all the time.
Mary points out Count Philippe, who looks ever so slightly Sam Rockwell-ish. He smiles at them and Lola tries to smile back, although she's basically green. A servant offers Mary a pomegranate tart, then some unsolicited advice about how a nonstop diet of pomegranate tarts got her sister up the stick right quick. Francis butts in, noting that maybe Sister Servant's belly was more due to the tarts than the babe. The girl skips away as Mary and Francis watch Lola and Philippe. Francis observes that he wouldn't have picked Philippe for Lola, and Mary just clenches her teeth until her molars disintegrate.
Lola and Philippe's courtship proceeds apace: he needs a wife and heir right quick or his father will pull his inheritance. Lola simpers and smiles and accepts the candle he hands her, but her smile dims when Philippe says it might be enough if they were just "amusing companions." In a Liza-and-Peter kind of way, hmm?
Leith sidles up to Greer and passes her an invitation to a private dinner with Lord Peppercorn. Greer accepts, and it turns out that Leith is the happy couple's private waiter. So this is awkward. Lord Peppercorn haltingly says he paid attention to her past preference and tonight's dinner has no peppers! Nor will he be discussing things that bore her. Greer gives a weak little huzzah, and then Peppercorn asks that she call him Aloysius and prepares to declare his love… and then sets his sleeve on fire. Leith handily smothers the flames and then Greer almost blows up their spot by calling Leith by his first name. He rapidly excuses himself so he's not the one to catch fire.
Evil Anne finds Henry in his room of maps, where he's drunkenly rambling to himself about all the lands he plans to conquer. He tries to dismiss her, but she insists on having words about the stiff blue lady in his bed. Evil Anne asks in horror if Henry murdered both Cecilia and Anna, but Henry just brushes off the deaths as "housekeeping matters which, I believe, is your domain. Wife." Evil Anne wants Henry to see Sexy Nostradamus because his servants say Henry's not sleeping and his pee is black, but while Henry admits he has been having headaches, he just rambles crazily about what a great and powerful king he is, and how kings don't get sick.
Sexy Nostradamus's infirmary. He grinds up some medicine for Olivia while she makes feral sex eyes at him from her bed. She flirts with him a little as he feeds her, then asks if the clothes on her bed are meant for her to put on so she can go back upstairs and pretend to be normal. She doesn't want to, since she's already condemned herself for abandoning Mary when she needed her help. She gave herself to the Darkness out of guilt, and now she feels she is entirely evil. So…she'll fit right in.
Francis knocks and lets himself into Lola's room, to discuss how she's accepted Philippe's offer of courtship. He doesn't think the match is right for her, and proclaims that he's only trying to be a good friend to her and he wants her to be happy. Francis hints that if Lola wants a marriage and a family, she's wasting her time with Philippe. Lola argues that Philippe needs to get married to get his inheritance, and that makes him entirely suitable. Francis asks her to promise that she's not rushing into anything because of what happened in Paris, and she blithely lies that she's not.
Bash nails the Everdeen family's windows shut as Carrick, a smaller sibling, and the Everdeen parents watch. He says he'll leave just one way of entry and exit, which he can defend. Carrick doesn't think this will help. He's resigned to someone from the family dying, it seems. Bash is utterly frustrated with their beliefs and fear, but continues instructing them on how to defend their home.
Inside, Katniss pragmatically muses that the people who live in castles have to invent things to fight about, like titles and marriages, while the common people struggle against starvation and cold. And things that come at night. Bash starts to argue, then passes out from the drug Katniss put in his tea.
Greer's room. Leith comes barreling in with the news that Peppercorn was so grateful that Leith saved his life that he offered him an apprenticeship in Spain. Greer is thrilled for him, especially because this will mean Leith won't be a servant, he'll rise to the merchant class. He doesn't want to leave her, but she repeats that she has to marry a titled man. She makes lots of brave faces, then makes out with him a little desperately. He tells her he loves her rather than saying he'll go to Spain.
Francis intercepts Mary and says they need to help Lola. She's all, I am helping Lola, I'm throwing rich men at her, haven't you noticed? Francis breaks it gently to Mary that Philippe prefers the company of men, and she obliviously replies, "Don't you all?" Girl, sometimes it sure seems like it. Francis sounds like a fortune cookie when he clarifies: the count prefers gentlemen in bed. Mary's like, huh. That's not going to help cover up Lola's royal bastard. Francis accidentally reveals that he and Lola are BFF now, then tells Mary he slept with Lola in Paris.
Hilariously, Francis does not express any feelings of guilt on his own part (since Mary was engaged to Bash at the time), but says Lola felt super guilty because Mary's her friend. He now feels just a touch guilty, but after Mary absolves him (with no inflection, and with utterly dead eyes), he just merrily skips off, the happiest boy in France.
Mary storms into Lola's room and shouts at her about how she's lied to Francis and she'll have to keep lying until Lola moves away "or until we forget about you." Man, that is about the harshest thing you can say to your friend. She wants to tell Francis the truth and keep Lola around. Because Mary, for some reason, thinks she and Lola can be friends again if Lola is Official Royal Baby Mama. Just look at how cozy Catherine and Diane are! Lola refuses and says she'll take the secret of her baby's paternity to her grave (although it's going to be super awkward when she delivers an eight-pound fetus after "four months" of gestation). Mary reveals what Francis told her about Philippe and Lola's all, "Ohhhhh! Amusing companions! Well, fuck."
Lola and Mary fight some more because Lola doesn't want to spend her life in a lie. Mary just screams at her that the choice is Mary lying to her husband forever or Lola lying to her kid, and guess who's the queen in this argument? She says Lola had her chance at happiness, so now she needs to live with her mistake. She orders Lola to accept Philippe's proposal, should he offer one, or she'll tell Francis about the baby.
Mary returns to her room to find that Francis has lit every damn candle in the castle. He pours on the romance, saying he must have been an idiot to neglect giving his bride a candle on First Night. They kiss and he starts undressing her, but Mary's still a bit rough at the edges from the recent disclosures. And besides, based on Mama Mary's emphatic how-to-get-pregnant lessons she doesn't think there's any point in them doing it tonight.
Francis smirks a little when she tries to soothe his manly feelings by saying that he's been, ah, "vigorous" in his baby-making attempts lately, then wholly turns my stomach when he says, "I don't make love to you because I want a baby. I want a baby because I love you." Mary's like, well, all right, I guess there's no time like the present to earn your red wings.
Greer comes out to the balcony to see Peppercorn. She thanks him for offering Leith the apprenticeship, which was her suggestion. Hmm. Peppercorn very kindly says he admires Greer's kindness in giving a hand up to someone she's friendly with, but he reminds her that she needs a husband with wealth. (Subtext: Stop making out with the help, you trollop.) Greer's on the verge of tears when she says that sounds so cold. Peppercorn moves to wrap his coat around Greer's shoulders, but she very politely refuses any more of his generosity and excuses herself. Aw. Poor Peppercorn. I'm sure he never fucked anyone out a window.
Everdeen barn. Bash wakes up, tied hand and foot and to a goat. There's a whistling outside and Katniss whispers, "It's coming." Someone comes into the barn and kills the goat, its blood splashing on the wall. Katniss moans, "Close your eyes" as Bash thrashes about on the floor. Bash yells out and Katniss looks up, making eye contact with the goat killer. And since she saw his face, he drags Katniss off into the woods instead of Bash.
Outside the castle, Sexy Nostradamus gathers some water from a hot spring in his hands and dumps it over Olivia's head, telling her she's washed clean of the evil and nothing remains except what she chooses. She hugs him and agrees that yes, she is new and whole, and oops, totally in love with Sexy Nostradamus.
Bash and Carrick have been searching for Katniss, fruitlessly, all night. Carrick is resolved that there's no fighting the Darkness, but Bash vows to look until he finds her. And if he has to, he'll go back to the castle for help. Oh, Bash, you are so pretty and stupid.
Mary apologizes to Lola for trying to shove her into a loveless marriage, since the night's sweet, sweet dauphin sexing reminded her of how awesome her love match is. She's still worried about what will happen if Francis finds out about the baby -- especially if Lola's turns out to be Francis's only child. She's upset that she and Francis have been married several months and she's still not pregnant, while Lola got pregnant from just one night. She compares Lola to Diane again, and Lola tries to reassure her that the generation's situation won't repeat with them.
Lola swears she still wants to be Mary's friend, and that she wants to have her own marriage and children. She's very emphatic that she has no plan to steal Mary's husband. Mary tells Lola not to marry Philippe, but to wait for love. She promises to help Lola look for men. (Enter Bash, pursued by a goat.)
Lola finds Greer, who's sulking on a balcony. They commiserate over the lack of control they have in their lives. While Lola's destiny is currently growing fingers in her belly, Greer says her destiny is approaching in that carriage just over there. She fills Lola in on the letter from her parents, which informed her that they'd arranged a match for her. That's her husband-to-be in the carriage.
Henry approaches Kenna in the hall and is about to drag her off to his chambers for more possibly deadly sex games when Evil Anne chillingly interrupts. She dismisses Kenna, then asks after Henry's health. He assures her that his headaches are better since he saw a physician. He's also determined the cause of his headaches: all these lesser beings, these women who were thwarting his will. So he had a nap and then woke up and saw the crucifix over his bed, and that vision of Christ reminded him that he's king and he always gets his way -- that it's his right to break anyone to his will that he chooses.
Evil Anne is horrified, asking if Henry really thinks he has the right to throw ladies out of windows and choke them to death. He's all, "Yep! Anointed by God, bitch!" "It was a lesson I think each woman understood in her last moments," he says, "about who is king…and who is not." He thinks others will learn that lesson as well, quite quickly. Evil Anne's face is a study in: "Awesome, so you've gone full crazy, huh?"
time: Bash returns to the castle and somehow convinces Francis to go on a monster hunt with him.