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Henry's quest to legitimize Bash goes on, and as a consequence, the Medici princes (for our purposes that means Francis, Charlie and Henry III) are threats to Bash's throne. Francis has fucked off to Paris, where he lives at a brothel, but the two baby princes are in the castle. Mary and Bash argue about what to do to protect them after the royal carriage is set upon by irate anti-Medici villagers -- Mary has sworn to Evil Anne that she'll keep her sons safe, while Bash wants to send them away to live with monks, because that worked so well for Mary!
So Bash throws a garden festival for the boys and while everyone is running around wearing masks, he has the princes spirited away, bound for Spain. (Where their sister is queen, so they can live with her or at least learn to play soccer properly.) But bag-headed Clarissa, who's not a ghost but the illegitimate, disfigured spawn of Evil Anne and King Henry's former best friend, kills the boys' driver and runs away with them. She tells them they'll be a family, but actually intends to kill them to get her revenge on the mother who abandoned her.
Evil Anne and Sexy Nostradamus fake her suicide to break her out of her tower prison, but before she can go hop into a wagon that will smuggle her to Italy, Nostradamus tells her about the missing princes and she insists she won't leave until she knows they're safe.
Mary, Bash and Evil Anne quickly catch up with Clarissa, Charlie and Henry III. Evil Anne starts out pleading with Clarissa, but in a fit of terror she screams that Clarissa is a monster, so Mary has to bludgeon Clarissa to death before Clarissa can cut Charlie's throat. After all that, Bash asks Mary to marry him and they make out, because these two get super turned on by murder.
In Paris, Francis has taken up residence at the Moulin Rouge, where Lola's brother, Frederic, is deeply in debt and in danger of having his hands smashed with a hammer. Lola shows up to rescue Frederic and ends up going to bed with Francis because they're both lonely guppies.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: So many things happened! Clarissa the not-ghost is the disfigured illegitimate first daughter of Evil Anne of Green Gables, whom Sexy Nostradamus rescued and hid in the castle. Mary leveraged her claim on the English throne to get King Henry to replace Francis as his heir with Bash, even though Bash has some pagan skeletons in his closet that could get everyone burned at the stake. Francis fucked off like a tiny crying baby. And Henry plans to have Evil Anne executed for treason and adultery.
Clarissa, barefoot, rambles around Evil Anne's empty bedchamber in broad daylight. She rummages through a keepsake box and finds locks of hair belonging to Evil Anne's kids. A servant couple stumbles in to get their rocks off in the queen's temporarily empty bed; Clarissa hides herself behind a screen.
Stable. Mary finds Bash, who's just come back from a ride. She's all tarted up in her crown and her ermine (she looks like a Madame Alexander doll) and frets that they haven't heard back from the Vatican about legitimizing Bash. He's confident the Vatican will eventually agree to legitimize him so they can get married, because Bash has read The Secret rather than anything about the history of Catholicism. Mary moves on to worrying about the wee princes, Charlie and Henry III, and how sad they are about becoming wretched motherless bastards. She wants to take them to a fair in town, and Bash simpers about how good and sweet she is.
In the carriage, Mary explains to Charlie and Henriño they'll get candy and see a puppet show and get to play with other children as Charlie sighs wanly about how Papa doesn't like them mingling with commoners. He asks if they'll get to see their mother before she's executed. Maybe people should stop discussing that in the nursery?!
The carriage suddenly encounters a line of people from the village, who recognize the princes (or the crest on the carriage) and holler, "Death to Queen Catherine and her line!" They start rocking the carriage, trying to upset it.
The wench who was getting nailed in Evil Anne's room is putting her skirts to rights when she notices the open keepsake box on the queen's dressing table. She runs around looking for whoever might have seen her getting it on; she's afraid of being blamed if someone has stolen from Evil Anne. Clarissa pops out from behind a curtain and chokes the maid to death, as if we needed confirmation that Clarissa is crazy.
Evil Anne's grim tower room. She demands to know where Charlie and Henriño are now. Mary replies that they're with Bash, and Evil Anne immediately blames Mary for the unrest and for leaving her children orphan targets. Mary swears she and Bash will raise the remaining Valois-Medici children, which strangely doesn't make Evil Anne feel any better!
But, Mary's not done. She also wants to help Clarissa, to repay her for the multiple incidents of saving her life. She's had a mask made to cover Clarissa's deformity and plans to give her a room in the castle. This, of course, horrifies and disgusts Evil Anne, who calls Clarissa "more animal than human" and recommends she be put down. Mary can't believe Evil Anne would want that for one of her children, but Evil Anne scathingly replies, "I suppose I'll have to get used to other people deciding what I want for my children. They'll be out of my care very shortly -- when I'm dead."
In the castle tunnels, Clarissa finds a package labeled "From Queen Mary." It's, uh, convenient that someone taught Clarissa how to read. Maybe the ancestors of the rats of NIMH live in that castle. She finds the mask in the package and slips it on over her mad nest of hair. She looks at herself in a shard of mirror, then smashes it. She turns to look through a gap in the wall at Charlie and Henriño, playing in their nursery. She pulls out the locks of their hair she took from Evil Anne's keepsake box, rips out a chunk of her own hair -- roots and all, ick -- and ties it around the locks.
Bash asks Hugo what he can do to protect the wee princes. Hugo laughs richly at the idea that a royal can be kept safe and Bash and Mary surmise that Hugo has switched his loyalty to them, and therefore he has no interest in keeping the Medici princes alive. He cautions that every young prince with a claim on the throne can rally a faction opposed to Bash's rule, so it might be best to get rid of any threats. Mary is, of course, horrified but Hugo points out that the attack on the carriage was relatively harmless, and sooner or later the conflict will get bloody.
Bash wants to send the princes away, but Mary points out that she spent her childhood hidden in a convent and that didn't keep the English from trying to kill her. She wants to keep the boys with them, and Bash argues that she's just working out her guilt over taking away their legitimacy. She yells back that he feels guilty because they remind him of Francis, which is why he wants to banish them.
She forbids him from sending Charlie and Henriño away, and plays the Henry II card. She's sure the king will side with her, since she's "the queen who will give your father the legacy of conquering England." Bash grudgingly agrees to double the princes' guard, and the cracks in their relationship start to show. Sure, it's all fun and games when you're drunkenly making out by the lake, but the real hard part of a relationship is whether or not you should have your half brothers murdered.
Paris. Lola has gone looking for her brother, Frederic, in a brothel/gambling den, where he's stuck because of his debts. The owner, Morris, introduces himself and smirks that Frederic is lucky to have a sister who can bail him out. After taking her money, he says the debt isn't satisfied, because Frederic tried to cheat at the tables. And he won't take money for the debt -- he wants to sleep with Lola.
Sexy Nostradamus goes to the tower with a Bible to see Evil Anne. The guard lets him in and he begs her to seek absolution for her sins. She snaps that if he actually cared he'd have brought her the poison she asked for. Nostradamus chastises her for considering the mortal sin of suicide, and I'm fairly sure he's doing this for the benefit of the guard, first because he's overacting in a way that would make his papa proud, and second because we've never seen a hint of this kind of religiosity in his character.
Evil Anne shrieks that Henry plans to make her death a spectacle, and she won't "grant him the satisfaction, if I have to tear my throat out with my own hands!" This character, you guys, is everything to me. I want her to get a time machine and move to Harlan, Kentucky, and start showing the Crowes what's up. She throws Nostradamus out until such time as he's ready to help her achieve her goals. He sets the Bible down on her bed and leaves. Evil Anne eyes a coil of rope on the wall. Was that there before?
Mary and Bash go to a festival on the castle grounds, which Bash has thrown for Charlie and Henriño. He says he wanted to make it up to the boys for missing the one in the village, and this is the best way he knows for them to have a normal childhood and still be safe. Mary kisses him, because Sweet Paternal Bash is lady bits Kryptonite.
Paris brothel/casino. Lola offers to pay Morris double Frederic's debt, but he sticks to his take-your-knickers-off-or-I-torture-your-brother sanctions. He congratulates a gambler for winning a hand, then smashes the man's hand with a hammer, telling Lola that's what cheats get. He says in a perverted monologue that he can take money away from noblemen from dawn to dusk, but he wants a chance to touch what only noblemen can touch: a noble woman.
Another man overhears and says he understands Lola is a prize to be played for his benefactor, Viscount de Brilhac, who wants a crack at that. Morris replies that Lola's not for sale (to anyone else). The man says the viscount will wager double Frederic's debt on one cut of the cards. Morris refuses.
"Four times, then," a voice offers—of course the "viscount" is Francis. Of course he's moved in to the Moulin Rouge. Morris agrees and sets down a deck for Francis. They cut. Morris gets a jack; Francis gets a four. Francis wants double or nothing. Morris rises to sixteen times Frederic's debt. Francis agrees. Morris gets a queen. And Francis draws a king.
Francis smirks chinlessly and escorts Lola away. Before they can leave, though, Morris says the viscount looks familiar, and Francis quips that he's been told he looks like the dauphin of France, only taller. He and Lola skedaddle…but where's Frederic?
Greer and Kenna stroll through Bash's festival as Kenna says she agrees the boys should stay at the castle. They see a suspicious-looking man skulking about under a tree, but Kenna brushes off any trouble. The princes are playing a game in which they and all the other children are wearing animal masks. Charlie trips right in front of the girls, but when Kenna helps him up and pulls off his mask, it's some rando non-royal kid. The one in Henriño's mask isn't the prince either. The ladies start hollering, attracting Mary and Bash's attention. He yells at everyone to take off their masks, but the princes are gone.
Mary strides through the main hall of the castle, hollering orders to her ladies and servants. Bash catches up with them and whispers that the boys are fine—he arranged their disappearance. They're being taken to the abbey of Troyes and from there to Spain (remember that their older sister is married to King Philip II of Spain). Mary is furious. Hugo appears just then with the suspicious man from earlier; he says the man had rope and burlap sacks. The man defiantly shouts that Bash is the great king, and the Medicis must not be allowed to interfere with that. I hope Bash paid him off well, because this guy is dead. Hugo says they'll have him questioned about the princes' disappearance.
First stop on the Underground Princeroad. The soldier escorting them lifts off a couple of hay bales that were covering up Charlie and Henriño and shoos them off to get something to eat before they bed down for the night. Charlie complains of cold, and the man goes back to the wagon for a blanket; unseen by him, Clarissa hops down from the wagon. He hears a sound that draws him farther away from the princes.
Charlie sees Clarissa, who's wearing her mask, and asks what she's doing there. She was worried about them, she explains, and Charlie tells Henriño she's a friend. Charlie asks why Clarissa is wearing their driver's cloak and if she's going to stay with them. She hoarsely says she's going to take care of them and they're a family now. She escorts them out of the yard.
Francis's bachelor pad. Lola thanks him for saving her as they pass a bottle of wine back and forth. He commiserates with her about her feckless brother, who always lets her down, but says he also understands why Frederic feels adrift. He muses, half bitter, half resigned, about what Mary and Bash did, but Lola says she envies him for escaping the court and the rigid life there. He grins that he doesn't miss being under his mother's thumb, and Lola fills him in on how Evil Anne is locked in the tower, then accidentally lets slip how Evil Anne tried to murder Mary and Bash for the umpteenth time. And then rather than Lola soothing his broken heart with her breasts, they play cards.
Evil Anne's guard has summoned Sexy Nostradamus back to the tower, since Evil Anne has blocked the door and isn't answering. They break the door in and find Evil Anne hanging from the rafters. Sexy Nostradamus and the soldier untie the rope and take Evil Anne's body down. She's not quite dead, and the guard thinks it would be kinder to let her pass, but Sexy Nostradamus gruffs that the king wanted her death to be a spectacle! And Henry must have his spectacle! He runs off to his infirmary with Evil Anne over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, swearing to "revive" her.
In his infirmary, Nostradamus tells Evil Anne she's safe, and she sits up so he can remove the metal hook from the back of her dress…which is what she was hanging from, not her neck. It was hidden in the spine of the Bible. She asks where she's meeting her ride to Italy, and he tells her, but then reluctantly fills her in on the princes' disappearance. He urges her to leave to meet her wagon, since there's nothing she can do to help her sons. She replies that she won't leave till she knows they're safe. Or until she's dead for real.
Mary asks Bash why the princes' ride didn't make it to the checkpoint. He's trying not to worry, coming up with plausible explanations, but she just paces and rants and yells at him about how he defied her. He replies that they had to get the princes out of the castle, and tells her about the randy wench found dead in the passage adjacent to Evil Anne's room—along with the keepsake box, which he hands over. Mary opens it and finds the locks of hair. She wonders who, of the people who know about the passages, would hide a body there. Bash goes off to interrogate the guards.
As he leaves, Evil Anne comes out from the passage into Mary's room and demands that Mary make good on her promise to keep the princes safe. Mary confesses that Bash had Charlie and Henriño taken away, which doesn't placate Evil Anne, even though Mary says Bash cares more about his half brothers than he does about the crown. (Small comfort, surely, as Bash has spent the whole season swearing he wants nothing to do with the crown.) She holds up the keepsake box and points out one memento Evil Anne didn't put there—Clarissa's bloody lock of hair.
Evil Anne confesses that Clarissa threatened her, and Mary surmises that Clarissa wants Evil Anne to know she has the boys, to torment her in her final days. Evil Anne asks if Bash can track the boys, and Mary says he can, and Mary will go with him. Evil Anne wants to go too, even though that'll probably get her caught and locked up again.
The bells of Notre-Dame wake Lola. She's in Francis's bed, obviously, with one pasty ex-dauphin wrapped around her. They're both still dressed, and they blame the late hour and the wine for their innocent mutual falling asleep. She thanks him again for helping her and Frederic and he brushes it off as no trouble, then aims those flat lamprey eyes of his at her and blathers about how nice it was to spend time with someone who knows him. He confesses that his freedom and money and leisure make him feel empty. Has he tried casual sex? I hear that helps. Lola replies that she also feels empty, and after they bond over losing the loves of their lives, Francis swoops in and kisses her.
Lola pushes him away and cites the girl code, but Francis says his obligation to Mary is finished. (Lola's isn't, though.) He says he'll never see Mary again, and Lola replies that he'll never see Lola again. So they make out some more and Lola admits she's not a virgin, so it's totally cool, and they tear each other's clothes off.
Bash, Mary, and Evil Anne find the driver dead. Evil Anne, terrified, swears to kill Clarissa if she's hurt the boys, but Mary interrupts and says Charlie and Clarissa played together happily all the time. And I wish Evil Anne had just decked Mary across the face for being such a goddamn cheery simpleton. Bash directs his men to track the boys, and swears to Evil Anne that he'll find them. Mary spots one of Henriño's mittens and they follow the trail.
to a river, Clarissa is muttering crazily to herself about how Evil Anne deserves this, because she's no mother. She tells the boys they're going to play a game where they find all the rocks they can and fill their pockets, then go for a swim. (Or as Virginia Woolf used to call it, Thursday.) Charlie says it's too cold to go swimming, but Clarissa hisses at them to do it. Just as the boys bend to their task, Mary, Bash, and Evil Anne rush into the clearing. Mary hollers Clarissa's name, like an idiot, giving her time to grab Charlie and hold a knife to his throat, even as Henriño rushes into Bash's arms.
Mary pleads with Clarissa not to hurt Charlie. Clarissa hisses that Evil Anne never told her about her brothers. Mary tries to explain, but Clarissa knows why she's disfigured and why she's had to live her life in a tunnel. Clarissa says they have to hand over Henriño or she'll kill Charlie. (Since li'l Henry there proves to be the hardiest of the Valois princes, I say let her have Charlie.)
Evil Anne tries to placate Clarissa, saying softly that she sees how committed she is to fighting for her family. She says she herself is condemned to die, so Clarissa should learn from Evil Anne's mistakes and let herself be loved rather than hurting anyone. She begs Clarissa to put down the knife and they'll be together as a family, as Clarissa starts to cry. Charlie screams and Clarissa holds the knife tighter to his neck. Evil Anne loses it and shrieks, "You monster! Let him go!"
Clarissa yells that Evil Anne is a liar, and says they'll all be together when they're dead. But Mary has somehow gotten behind Clarissa while she was distracted and clubs her over the head with a rock. Clarissa releases Charlie, who runs to Evil Anne, along with Henriño. Mary crouches and takes the knife from Clarissa's limp hand.
Evil Anne glosses over Clarissa's death and tells the boys how brave they were. She's interrupted by a soldier, who says he has to escort her back to her cell. Evil Anne kisses the princes and tells Bash to make sure they have a hot bath. Mary guesses that Evil Anne had escaped before she found out about the princes' disappearance, sounding impressed that Evil Anne stayed to ensure their safety. It's no surprise Evil Anne is dedicated to her kids, Mary. See: every time she tried to kill you to prevent you marrying Francis!
Evil Anne grimly says she'll never see her sons again; she'll be executed as soon as Bash is legitimized. Mary apologizes, and says she wanted to find another way to save Francis's life. Evil Anne admits she believes Mary, and says she owes Mary all her sons' lives. (Actual Catherine de Medici had a fourth living son at this point, the cunningly named Hercules, duke of Anjou, born in 1555.) She thinks Clarissa is in a better place—and she'll have her mother with her soon enough. She strides regally off to be taken to her death.
Bash knocks on Mary's door and tells her the princes are safe and warm and sleeping. He agrees Charlie and Henriño should stay at the castle where they can keep an eye on them. He tells her she was right and she just beams at him. They make amends and aim their giant puppy eyes at each other.
And then Mary says she wants to get married today. She doesn't want to wait till Bash is legitimized, she wants the safety of knowing they're married. Plus, it'll force the Pope's hand: if he wants a strong Catholic queen on the throne of England, he'll have to legitimize Bash. (Or he could just, you know, annul their marriage.) Bash says she could be "stuck with a landless bastard for a husband," but at least Bash has a chin.
"Bash, marry me," she says, and he refuses, saying, "That's not how it's done." He gets down on one knee and asks her to make him the luckiest bastard on earth. It's so cheesy and I love it. She accepts and they kiss.
Lola and Francis make a schmoopy goodbye, interrupted by Morris. He asks Lola a favor and hands over a coin; he wants her to throw it at Evil Anne when she's led to the executioner's block and tell her to try to buy her way out of her predicament. This is, amazingly, the first Francis has heard of his mother's trial and impending execution. (Even though Lola told him last night that Henry had imprisoned Evil Anne. Maybe he does that for fun every couple of weeks?) Morris tells Lola if she brings the coin back with Evil Anne's blood on it, he'll give her a fortune in house credit.
Francis asks if Lola knew and she swears she didn't. Francis says he never wanted to return to court, but he can't let his father murder his mother.
In the forest, it's snowing and two soldiers don't want to try digging Clarissa's grave in the frozen ground. They scoop her up and toss her body down a hill. Her mask falls off; one soldier picks it up, then taps a rough cross into the ground by her head. They leave her there. This is probably not the last we'll see of Clarissa. Maybe now she'll be a real ghost!
time: OMG, Amy Brenneman is Mama Mary!