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After the pope refuses Henry's request to have his marriage annulled, he returns to France and brings in his old buddy Richard Delacroix to prosecute Evil Anne of Green Gables for adultery. Because if you can't get rid of your troublesome wife amicably, obviously what you should do is call her a filthy whore. Evil Anne calls in her vicious, bloodless Medici relatives to help her.
Evil Anne's spies tell her how much time Mary and Bash are spending in the wine cellar with Jeanne, the wet nurse. Evil Anne discovers Isabelle's baby, li'l Paganette, and the Medicis try to track her down so Evil Anne can use her as evidence that Bash is a pagan. But they misplace the baby somewhere in the French countryside. Oops!
Evil Anne tells Henry anyway that she thinks Bash is a pagan because his mom was also a pagan. Henry already knew about Diane's past and he's crushed that Evil Anne betrayed him this way -- and this after they had a tender reconciliation and slept together.
But! It turns out Evil Anne and Richard had an affair back when she was a childless baby queen, fretting about her inability to give Henry an heir. She conceived Richard's child, delivered it, and when she saw a birthmark on the baby's face, gave her away to Sexy Nostradamus's father, who did a bunch of terrible experiments to try to remove to the port wine stain and only succeeded in horribly deforming the baby. That baby: Clarissa, the bag-headed castle "ghost" who's obsessed with protecting Mary.
It appears that Evil Anne is out of cards to play. Her Medici relatives abandon her because they don't want the stink of her failure soaking into the clothes. Henry's ready to chop her head off. And her children are… somewhere? Probably? I mean, there's like six of them still living at home, so they have to be rambling around in the castle. So Evil Anne tries to kill both Mary and herself with poison, which would neatly wipe out all her problems at once. Except Clarissa saves the day (for Mary) again. Evil Anne's going to have a hell of a time keeping her head now.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: Henry locked Evil Anne of Green Gables in the tower while he went to Rome to legitimize Bash. Bash and Mary tried to help Bash's pagan cousin, Isabelle, escape the castle, but she went into labor, delivered her baby, and died. But not before she was able to mark the baby as a pagan.
A few days after Isabelle's death, it seems, Jeanne, the nursery worker, has brought li'l Paganette to see Mary and Bash. Mary asks for a moment alone with the baby and looks at Paganette's foot; the mark Isabelle put there is fading and soon they can shlep her off to a convent. But Bash still frets, wild-eyed. He's worried that someone finding out about his pagan connections will put Mary at risk (as if we needed a big blinking sign over his head that says THIS ONE IS NOT LIKE FRANCIS). Mary just cuddles the baby and sniffs her head and explains the plan for Agnes (she's Jeanne's mom), to take Paganette to a convent. This is everyone's solution: convents! Jeanne comes running back to inform them that Henry has returned—and he's brought Medicis.
In Evil Anne's horrible tower room, she's sullenly choking down a plate of porridge when the door opens. Servants bring in a couple of extra chairs for Francesca and Pietro, Evil Anne's relatives. Francesca is just horrified to see the conditions Evil Anne is living in—and how ratchet she's let her hair get. Francesca explains that the Medicis are opposing Henry's petition for an annulment, and they were successful in getting the pope to refuse to see Henry. With that avenue of escape from his marriage thwarted, Francesca coolly explains, Henry now plans to have Evil Anne executed for committing adultery.
The servants fixing up Evil Anne's room also bring in the executioner's block as Pietro explains that a couple of Henry VIII's wives practiced putting their heads on the block so they could be dignified when he executed them. (I can't quite imagine Natalie Dormer doing that, but that's mainly because in my alternate-history version of The Tudors, she smothered Henry to death with her thighs and went on to rule England as a heathenish pit of degeneracy.) Neither Pietro nor Francesca seems particularly bothered by the possibility of Evil Anne's execution, even as they smile placidly and say they'll do everything they can to help her. Evil Anne just gulps and stares at the block.
Sexy Nostradamus! He's alive! And he's being thrown in the dungeon, because he's the one Henry is accusing of sleeping with Evil Anne.
In the throne room, Kenna asks Henry if he was serious about finding her a good husband if she says what he wants her to in court. He's like, yeah, yeah, of course, now, about your coached testimony. He and another man walk Kenna through the lies they want her to tell about Evil Anne's affair with Nostradamus, although she sulks that no one's interested in hearing about how Evil Anne actually tried to poison her.
Evil Anne, now with her hair done and a fresh gown, sweeps into the throne room and imperiously dismisses Kenna. (And that's all we'll see of Kenna tonight! Praise be to the pagan ruminant god!) Henry blusters about how easy it will be for him to have Evil Anne convicted of adultery. He's even confident that he won't come out of this particular episode looking like a power-hungry lustful cockmonster and introduces Viscount Richard Delacroix, who will be collecting the evidence of Evil Anne's adultery. Richard sort of sneers in Evil Anne's general direction when she observes how ungentlemanly of him it is to hold a grudge still—apparently she had him exiled from court years earlier for calling her an Italian mule. Henry chuckles; all this is truly wonderful for him.
In another part of the castle, all of Evil Anne's pet artists—painters, dancers, playwrights—are bustling about. A man named Bernard tells her several of the artists have quit working on their projects for fear of offending Henry, now that Evil Anne can't protect them. "The arts in France live as long as Catherine de Medici lives, and I intend on living a long, long time," she says grandly. Everyone applauds and Evil Anne says, sotto voce, to Bernard, "Now let's not make that a lie."
Evil Anne consults with Charlotte, who seems to be a sculptor, about how they'll destroy Bash and thus save her life. Charlotte has been spying on Bash for her and reports that he and Mary have been spending a lot of time in the wine cellar, as well as talking to the wet nurse.
In the stables, Mary gives last-minute instructions about Paganette's care to Agnes. Before Agnes and Jeanne can leave with the baby, Evil Anne interrupts. She coos over the baby and Mary smoothly lies that Paganette is an orphan who was left at the castle door. Evil Anne uncovers the baby's foot swiftly, then Agnes leaves with Paganette. Evil Anne dismisses Jeanne.
Evil Anne recognized the pagan symbol and threatens to start rumors about Bash and the baby, since if Henry can have her executed on rumors, actual evidence would be even worse. She tells Mary to run home to Scotland. Mary replies that it will be awfully difficult for Evil Anne to harm them after she's been beheaded, and swears that she'll watch Evil Anne's execution with the king of France by her side—Bash.
Dungeon. Evil Anne comes to visit Sexy Nostradamus, which seems like a bad idea in light of Henry's accusations. She dryly observes that it's too bad he didn't see this one coming and gives him some water to drink. Since Sexy Nostradamus has made an extensive study of the pagans' laws (he has? Sure, okay), she asks if he's ever suspected that Bash might know more about the pagans in the forest than he should. He says Bash is well informed, but he also spends a lot of time in the forest hunting, so maybe that's how he learned to make such cunning arts and crafts from antlers. She apologizes for making him a target, and he blusters that he hasn't been tortured just yet.
Henry interrupts them and offers to have Sexy Nostradamus exiled rather than killed if he confesses to an affair with Evil Anne. Nostradamus refuses, and Henry is almost surprised that someone would be so loyal to Evil Anne.
The queen walks with Jeanne by the lake. All Jeanne will say is that Agnes took the baby to the convent, but they've checked and the baby isn't there. Evil Anne demands to know where Agnes lives. As Francesca and Pietro loom in the background, Evil Anne threatens to let the Medicis torture the answers out of Jeanne.
In Mary's rooms, Bash and Mary discuss the Franglish Plan and how it might get them both beheaded. But he's really interested in whether Mary could fall in love with him, because Bash is not Francis, remember? Before Mary can answer, Greer interrupts to tell them something terrible happened to Jeanne.
Evil Anne stares out over the lake. Francesca informs her that they "gently" stretched Jeanne on the rack until she confessed where Agnes lives. Francesca is truly terrifying—she's like a combination of Maggie Smith playing Professor McGonagall and Dakota Fanning in Breaking Dawn. I would not be the tiniest bit surprised if it turns out all the Medicis are actually vampires.
Greer tells Mary and Bash that Jeanne is alive, in the infirmary, and she told Greer what she was forced to confess to Francesca. Mary and Bash frolic off to try and intercept the Medicis.
Evil Anne is in her old rooms (probably?), darkened, all the furniture covered in sheets. Clarissa hisses from behind her that she and Nostradamus will both get what they deserve. Evil Anne drags Clarissa out of the shadows, but Clarissa manages to break free and run away.
Dungeon. Evil Anne—whose dress looks like those kaleidoscopic Peter Pilotto for Target frocks—asks Sexy Nostradamus what's up with Clarissa, and why she isn't actually a ghost. He tells her Clarissa fancies herself Mary's defender, and that he feels responsible for Clarissa, since one night his father brought home a baby who had a birthmark on one cheek, which the villagers called the mark of the devil. Nostradamus père experimented on the baby to try to remove the birthmark, but only succeeded in horribly deforming her.
Sexy Nostradamus's father told the baby's mother she had died and ordered Nostradamus to abandon her in the woods, but instead he paid a couple to take care of her. As the girl grew up, the other children taunted her about her deformity until she went crazy, because there are no It Gets Better videos for disfigured, abandoned bastard children in medieval France. (Well, girl children, anyway. Bash seems to be doing all right.) Evil Anne is horrified that he brought the girl to the castle, where she's spent years going anywhere she likes, able to overhear any and all conversations.
In Henry's room, Evil Anne is almost disappointed that his vengeance against her is so unimaginative (at this point, beheadings are entirely passé!), and he scaldingly replies that it's hard to imagine her sleeping with someone unless the law compels her. "You're incapable of love," he says. She snaps back that they did love each other for a few years at the beginning of their marriage, and he agrees that it was nice, until she tired of him and pushed him away.
Evil Anne is offended by that characterization, since she just almost died a year ago giving birth to two more of his children! He agrees that his behavior (like bringing Diane back to court) was childish, but says she hurt his fee-fees because Evil Anne "used him as a stud horse to sire offspring." FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, THAT IS THE QUEEN'S WHOLE JOB. This is the dumbest argument in the history of dumb TV arguments.
Remember that for the first ten years of their marriage, Henry and Evil Anne were childless. So she says she was trying to save her own life by pinning Henry down and visiting upon him ten years of grim, fruitless boinking, because queens who don't pop out heirs tend to get beheaded. Henry is the worst. They fight some more about their loveless, wretched relationship until Henry screams that he did love her and he never would have put her aside during those ten childless years! But now they've both changed, three of their children are dead, and Henry wants to kill her.
She strokes his face and they seem to have one actual moment of connection. Henry, in a whisper, asks Evil Anne to take her hair down. He rubs his knuckles down her cheek, then kisses her.
Agnes's cottage. Bash and Mary have arrived ahead of the Medicis and are happy to learn that the baby is still there. But they don't have time to get away before riders approach. Bash and Mary are sure the Medicis will kill everyone in the cottage just to solve Evil Anne's problem.
Henry's room. Postcoital, he lies in bed shirtless. She's dressed again and kisses him. He says, "I don't want to do this to you." She's like, uh, so don't?
One Medici asks Agnes where the baby is while others search the cottage. They ask what's in the locked closet; Agnes says it's supplies for winter, but actually it's Mary and Bash. The Medici starts running his sword through the cracks between the boards of the closet, like he's a magician. He nicks Bash's arm. Bash spills a sack of grain so the man won't wonder what stopped his blade. Another Medici comes back with the baby and they leave.
Evil Anne comes into Richard Delacroix's room; Richard tells her the day's trial has been canceled because Henry said he needed time to think. And then Evil Anne runs directly into his arms. Oooh. They embrace and she says she does love Henry, but she's also touched by Richard's dedication to and love for her. He asks her if she loves him best, and she says she does, then promises he's the one man she's never lied to. Oh, I really doubt that.
Agnes explains Evil Anne's ten years of childlessness (surely Bash and Mary would know this already—I'm sure it was the talk of Europe, even after they grew up) and says she turned to someone else for comfort. Agnes is confident that Evil Anne's first pregnancy wasn't Henry's doing. Mary and Bash have to pick their jaws up off the floor, because that's just awesome.
Richard interrogates Agnes about Evil Anne's bastard baby. Clarissa watches from behind a screen. Henry wants to know if Agnes has any hard evidence to support her story and Bash is confused—doesn't Henry want to convict Evil Anne? Because this testimony would be sufficient. Henry says he just wants the truth. He asks what color eyes Evil Anne's baby had.
Agnes says she never noticed the eyes because the baby had such a great honking birthmark on one cheek. (And the klaxons of plot contrivance begins blaring.) After giving birth, the queen freaked out when she saw the birthmark—a port wine stain over the baby's lip—and gave the baby to Nostradamus's father, then the court surgeon. Henry and Richard exchange significant looks.
And then Henry's soldiers forcibly shave off Richard's beard. Not in a sexy way.
Evil Anne is back in her tower room. The blond Medici brings Paganette to see her, but when she unbandages the baby's foot, there's no mark. Evil Anne hollers that this baby is useless! He's all, what do I do with this baby now? At least Evil Anne doesn't recommend chucking it in the moat. I'm sure she would've thought of it if she hadn't been so distracted.
Throne room. Richard's now in the hot seat; with half of his beard gone, the port wine stain on his cheek is visible. Henry monologues that he remembers the birthmark running in Richard's family. He demands an apology since Richard was his friend and Evil Anne is his wife. He seems genuinely hurt, eve though the injury is largely to his pride. The soldiers haul Richard off; he's able to tell Evil Anne he's sorry he couldn't save her. Henry smirks that if Evil Anne wants a longer good-bye he'll have Richard's head sent to her room.
Evil Anne plays her last card: since Henry now has all the evidence he needs to have her executed, she tells him Bash is a pagan sympathizer—or maybe an actual pagan, just like Diane. Mary screams that Evil Anne has no proof, but Evil Anne pulls out a small round sculpture, saying Diane kept it in her room. If Henry had read Nostradamus's writings about the pagans, he'd know the sculpture represents a soul, and it's meant to keep a lover's soul close by. "It's very pretty, if heretical," Evil Anne says before smashing the sculpture.
Bash wants to say something, but Henry overrules him. Evil Anne, in a frenzy, asks what good it will do to claim the throne of England as Catholics when France is lousy with pagans. Just the rumors could destroy everything Henry has built. Evil Anne says she knows Henry might suspect her of planting the evidence, but he's had two guards following her at all times. Henry asks one guard if he saw Evil Anne taking the sculpture from Diane's room. The guard affirms that Evil Anne is telling the truth, that she found the sculpture in a trunk and didn't plant it there. He swears he'll testify to that end. Henry draws his sword and hacks the guard's head half off. Evil Anne, splattered with blood, shrieks. Henry asks the other guard if he saw anything. He's all, nope. Didn't see a thing. Not sure, in fact, what "seeing" is.
Henry grimly tells Evil Anne he understands perfectly well how rumors work. She shrieks that he's letting his lust for England blind him, but he overrides her, saying Diane already told him about her pagan past. He'd hoped Evil Anne would do the same, putting the Medicis behind her and building a life with him. Alas, not so much. Evil Anne snarls that it's only this betrayal that's hurting him, not her Medici blood. Evil Anne congratulates Mary on her triumph. The surviving guard takes Evil Anne away and Henry advises his son to cut down any threat to his power, large or small.
Evil Anne's tower. Pietro and Francesca express their disappointment—not because she committed adultery, but because she lost. Evil Anne wants to try and escape France, using her money to bribe her way out, but they give her only a suicide pill. They wish her a safe voyage and sail out, back to hell.
Bash finds Mary, who's standing to a giant kettle of fire. She dully says she expects her cousin Elizabeth is also on Henry's hit list. Bash says England doesn't matter to him, he only wants Mary. Taking Henry's advice to deal swiftly with threats, he swears to kill Henry if Mary wants to give up the England part of the Franglish Plan. She's observes that she can tell he's not a damn thing like Francis. Bash thinks she means it as a criticism, but she's actually kind of turned on by how uncivilized he is. No one's ever offered to commit regicide for her! She kisses him and says she's open to falling in love with him.
Evil Anne's room. She stares into a mirror, then carefully applies her makeup and puts on her jewelry. Including her crown. She picks up the elaborate box holding the pill. In Mary's room, her servants prepare her bath. Evil Anne opens a different small box, then barges into Mary's room, where she's soaking in the bath. She flings something into the bath, where it starts smoking and fizzing, and holds a knife to Mary's throat.
Mary gasps that Evil Anne has already lost and gains nothing from killing Mary, but Evil Anne replies grimly that she's protecting her children. Killing Mary will ensure their inheritance and prevent Francis's death. Mary coughs because of the smoke from her bath as Evil Anne says calmly that she hopes Mary will forgive her for the poison, which takes a bit longer to kill, but it isn't painful. Mary loses consciousness and her head slips under the water just as Evil Anne also passes out and slumps to the floor.
As Mary's lungs fill with water, Clarissa—bag gone from her head—comes in and opens the windows. The poisoned air rushes out and Mary wakes up. (Neat trick she has there, breathing underwater.) Evil Anne starts stirring as Clarissa shakes her, growling, "Wake up, Mother." There's knocking on the door and hollering. Evil Anne rouses and Clarissa's face hovering over her comes clear. She gasps and says they told her Clarissa was dead. "You should be dead," she says. "And so should I."
Clarissa's just hurt that Evil Anne doesn't appreciate how Clarissa is so timely about saving her life and shit. Evil Anne hollers at her to leave. She does, just before Bash and three soldiers break the door in. Bash grabs a towel and hauls Mary out of the bath as Evil Anne hacks and coughs on the floor. He orders the soldiers to take Evil Anne away. As she's dragged off, she shrieks that Bash has secrets and Mary's choice will ruin her. Mary snaps back that she knows all about Bash, and she made the right choice: "Because together we have killed you."
time: Mary makes a Phantom of the Opera mask for Clarissa, which emboldens her to kidnap the little princes, Charlie and Henry III.