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While Henry is away, petitioning the pope to legitimize Bash, Evil Anne schemes from her tower room to have Bash murdered. After her first plot (a villager with a poisoned knife) fails, her agent, Lord Hugo, has a pregnant girl, Isabelle, brought in on trumped-up theft charges. It turns out Isabelle is Bash's secret pagan cousin, whose father was executed for heresy, and if anyone finds out they're related to Bash, he can't be king. (And I guess the no-being-a-pagan rule is still kind of in effect for your major European monarchies. You don't see Prince William going all "Hail Satan" on weekends. Those Grimaldis, though…)
So Bash and Mary need to sneak Isabelle out of the castle before anyone finds out she and her pagan father are related to Bash. They assign the ladies-in-waiting to run interference on Evil Anne while they and Bash's bodyguard, Alec, hit the road with Isabelle—who's now in labor. A little ways down the road, they have to stop so Isabelle can deliver the baby. They're set upon by the Blood Wood's recurring group of shrieky, sacrifice-happy pagans, who kill one of the horses, but leave the royals and the laboring lady alone because Bash, Isabelle, and Alec were chanting pagan prayers.
Mary figures out that her companions are pagans and spends the twenty minutes screaming like a lunatic. Bash manages to convince her he's really a Catholic, he swears, but before they can get on their way, Isabelle dies. So they hide her baby in the castle's nursery (that seems smart and foolproof) and return to their stultifyingly boring days of listening to the people of the kingdom gripe about how their neighbors sold them faulty goats. But first they make out, and it is pretty hot.
Evil Anne gets so bored in her tower room that she confesses to Kenna that she was behind the plot to assassinate Bash. Since recording devices haven't been invented yet, the girls take that confession and have Greer forge a letter in Evil Anne's handwriting, ordering the plot, which she says they'll show to Henry if any harm comes to Bash, Mary, or the ladies. Evil Anne screams and shakes her fists at the sky and swears to strangle all three ladies-in-waiting with their own miserable entrails.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Reign: Mary tried to flee the castle with Bash so she wouldn't have to marry Francis and bring about his death as Sexy Nostradamus foresaw, but King Henry's men caught them and made them come back. So Mary agreed to wed the king of France and claim the English throne (the Franglish Plan), but only if Henry legitimizes Bash and makes him the heir. Evil Anne freaked the fuck out, even more so when Henry had her locked up awaiting their annulment. Francis cried and flailed. Oh, and Bash is a pagan, so since the pope's whole objection to Elizabeth I being queen of England is that she's a bastard and a Protestant, I'm sure he'll be thrilled about pagan bastard Bash being king of France. The king of Spain will be a Pastafarian!
We open in medias swordfight. Bash and some dude come over a balcony railing and continue swashbuckling all over a mostly empty chamber. Bash is holding his own until his opponent pulls a dagger and holds it to his throat, but doesn't stab him. The opponent is Bash's instructor, Alec, and he tells him to learn to anticipate the blade he can't see. I bet that's going to be super relevant later, y'all. Mary interrupts them to summon Bash to the throne room, where he was supposed to greet some nobles while Henry's traveling to Rome, but he blew it off to mess around with Alec. Mary's all, why aren't you as good at being dauphin as Francis?
Bash gripes about how their new Franglish Plan was supposed to be a secret, but now everyone in the castle knows, and he's worried about what his possible legitimacy will mean for "every legitimate son in the kingdom." I'm guessing it might mean royal men will be even less careful about siring bastards since they know they can just go legitimize them if their legitimate sons turn out to be pasty larval whiners. Mary tries to buck him up, reminding him that plenty of kings come to the throne under clouds of suspicion and noble infighting. He's not soothed, and tells Mary that Alec isn't just his teacher, he's also his bodyguard, hired by Diane, since Bash now has a target on his back.
Throne room. A farmer brings the regent—that would be Bash—his complaint: his neighbor screwed him on a chickens-for-goat trade. Bash, looking incredibly uncomfortable in velvet and heavy jewels, only half listens. Lord Hugo, one of Henry's councilors, sharply tells Bash that the farmer seeks his judgment. Bash tells the grouchy farmer he can't really help him unless he wants to eat the unsatisfactory goat, a verdict that pleases no one in the room (especially the goat. Who's not in the room. But wouldn't it be more fun if it were?). Mary counsels Bash to treat the people's concerns more seriously.
The citizens to bring a grievance are a man who claims a woman robbed him. The woman seems to recognize Bash, and he her. The complainant accuses the woman of taking two mugs and a glass, and says her illegitimate baby—which she's still pregnant with!—helped her. (Remind me to ask my pregnant friends if any of their fetuses help them commit robberies.) The woman protests, but cuts herself off, seeming more afraid of revealing herself than of the thievery charge. Lord Hugo asks if he should have the castle guards search the woman's home, and Bash agrees. Lola quietly asks Mary if she thinks Bash knows the girl. The Ominous Music of Pagan Flutes assures us that he totally does.
The lady calls Bash a "handsome bastard," then quickly apologizes for her impertinence. She wants to offer Bash a blessing, but when she tries to get close to him, Alec tackles her and pulls a knife from her hand (cutting himself in the process). Hugo has the woman hauled away as she screams, "The bastard must die!"
Evil Anne of Green Gables's lavishly appointed prison. Mary comes to visit and wonders why there's a party going on when Henry left orders that only maids and guards were supposed to enter the queen's chamber. Mary hassles the guard at the door for a while, then turns to Evil Anne and tells her about the attempt on Bash's life. Evil Anne does a pretty good impression of surprise, and of caring, and points out that plenty of people other than her would like to see Bash dead.
The queens rehash their endless fight over Francis again, with Evil Anne showing her anger at Mary outmaneuvering her hasn't diminished a bit. She's completely unsympathetic to Mary's protests that her mother and Henry forced her into the new Franglish Plan. Mary asks if Evil Anne will continue her attempts on Bash's life, and she snaps, "Mary, sweet Mary, I don't attempt to do anything. I do it." She's like a snarling, poison-happy Yoda. I love her.
Mary orders everyone out of the room and tells them to take all of Evil Anne's comforts with her: all the furniture, the tapestries, the rugs, the food. A maidservant reaches for a small pot and Evil Anne nearly rips her hand off as she snaps at her not to touch her eye cream. Mary threatens to have anyone beheaded who lets servants Mary hasn't approved visit Evil Anne. Nice to see her growing a backbone.
Bash is cooling his heels in Mary's room, which is totally appropriate. She comes in and says she thinks Evil Anne is behind the assassination attempt. Alec shows them the cut on his palm from the would-be assassin's knife, which is red and inflamed after just a few minutes, so the blade was obviously poisoned.
Bash brings the girl accused of robbery out from being a screen and introduces her as Isabelle. They explain that Isabelle's father was executed for treason, and evidence in her house—which the royal guards want to search, hence the trumped-up theft charge—might connect her father to Bash. Mary immediately thinks Isabelle's illegitimate baby bump is Bash's fault, so he pulls on one of his gloves and does his best "Billie Jean" around the chamber. That finished, he explains that Isabelle's father was Diane's half brother, making Bash and Isabelle cousins. Nobody knows that, but if anyone—like, say, Henry, or Evil Anne—finds out Bash was related to a traitor, he could never be king. I guess that seems just as plausible as anything else.
So Bash had Alec bribe the jailers to get Isabelle out of her cell, but he can't intercede in her case to prevent her home from being searched. Hugo and the other councilors already believe Bash is banging her, which would be bad enough. He wants to take her to Bernay, where his cousins will hide her until they can get her to Diane in Paris. She'll need a disguise, Mary says. To the Mystery Machine!
The ladies and Mary dress Isabelle in a conveniently hideous maternity gown they had lying around. Mary asks if Isabelle is feeling all right, and she complains that she's tired and her belly hurts. Mary tells Bash Isabelle is in labor, which she learned all about from living with the nuns. He wants to take her to a midwife, but they can't do that; the midwives in the village are the first place Hugo will look when he discovers the pregnant girl is missing from the dungeon. They still have to get her out of the castle, so Mary insists on going with them, since she caused all this trouble with her damn Franglish Plan. Dude, send Lola or something. She's just as capable of catching a baby and oh, right, she's not the damn queen of Scotland.
Mary insists that her riding off in a carriage with Isabelle while Bash rides in the opposite direction is the only way to ensure Isabelle's safety and keep Bash clear of the scandal. Greer and Kenna bring Isabelle in, swathed her awful teal gown and with a huge ginger Marie Antoinette wig perched on her head. Bash grimaces and says she looks like "some awful baroness," to which Isabelle sneers that at least she doesn't look like a foppish gilded pincushion. Bash grins and Mary tells him to take Isabelle out through the tunnels to the stable.
Mary instructs the ladies to be in charge of keeping Evil Anne cut off from all communication, and to find some evidence connecting her to the attempt on Bash's life. Greer's all, where is my deerstalker?
In barren her tower room, empty of everything but a desk and a little trash can fire, Evil Anne paces and hollers, threatening horrible things to the servants who aren't bringing her food and emptying her chamber pot. Hugo comes in and she demands to know why the assassination attempt didn't work. When Hugo tells her about Alec, she asks why they haven't bribed him. He gripes about how much more expensive it's gotten to bribe people since Mary reminded the staff of Henry's love for beheading.
Hugo's loyalty wavers, and Evil Anne reminds him that any change to the rules of succession threatens him, too. She says getting rid of Bash will secure Hugo's position and put the future kings of France in his debt, then asks if Bash has tried escaping with Isabelle yet. He says she's out of the jail, but not the castle just yet. She reminds him that Bash and Isabelle's dead bodies must be found together so the story is clear. Hugo swears he'll take care of it. Evil Anne bitches about her lousy prison rations, hucking a crust of stale bread at the wall, and asking Hugo to bring her some delicious foody things time he visits. He villains, "The time I come I'll bring you a crown."
Woods. The carriage carrying Mary and Isabelle rolls on, with royal soldiers pursuing.
The ladies-in-waiting watch Hugo from across the hall as Kenna informs them that the villager who tried to kill Bash has vanished—probably chucked into the lake. Greer confirms that Evil Anne's troops followed Mary's carriage. They speculate that Evil Anne has offered her protection from Henry's wrath to the ones plotting against Bash.
In the woods, Mary gets out of the carriage to help Bash check the roads to see if they've been followed. Alec goes off to find herbs for the poultice on his poisoned hand (which seems like rather negligent bodyguard behavior, n'est-ce pas?). Isabelle tugs off her wig, grimacing, and Bash agrees that the fancy clothes do make a person feel trapped. Mary promises to help Isabelle get out of the getup when she and Bash return.
As Bash and Mary ramble through a field, he explains that his uncle Jonathan, Isabelle's father, was also a bastard. He thinks Evil Anne found out Isabelle's his cousin when one of her spies saw him visiting her. He brings her food and money, and Mary's pleased to hear that Bash thinks of himself as sort of a big brother to Isabelle. She poorly tries to conceal the rabid he's-gonna-make-such-a-good-dad!! look on her face.
He tells her not to blame herself for his involvement in the Franglish Plan, but she's stuck on how he said he felt trapped. He says she doesn't make him feel trapped, it's the castle politics. (And probably all the people trying to kill him! And how his beloved little brother hates him now!) Before he can tell her he's crazy about her, their horse neighs in warning and they have to hustle back to the carriage. They see royal soldiers approaching and decide to go through the Blood Wood in order to avoid a shortcut the guards would expect them to take.
The ladies-in-waiting, all three looking pale and terrified, oversee servants removing Evil Anne's desk and writing implements from her tower room, since she violated Bash's order not to pass messages in the castle. Evil Anne caustically asks if the three of them are there for mutual moral support, or if they're just there to witness her humiliation. Kenna smirks that it's a little of column A, a little column B. Evil Anne just laughs about how Henry threw Kenna over: "You're so beautiful. I marvel to think how grating and tedious you must also be to [lose Henry's affections]."
Greer jumps in to defend Kenna's nonexistent virtue, so Evil Anne turns the claws on her, observing how plucky and brave she is to come to court to sell herself to the highest bidder in order to bolster her father's dwindling finances. Lola snaps at Evil Anne to stop bullying the girls, and boldly tells her they're the only faces she'll see from now on. Evil Anne observes that their presence indicates that Mary has left the castle to help Bash and Isabelle; Lola replies that Evil Anne just confirmed her involvement in the assassination attempt. But that's not really proof, is it?
Dusk has fallen on the clearing where the coach stopped, and Isabelle's water has broken. So they're not really going anywhere, since Isabelle can't give birth in a moving carriage. Bash is all, fine, push it out so we can get a move on! Isabelle just grits her teeth and kindly doesn't bludgeon him to death with her fists.
They've pitched a tent so Isabelle can lie down. Isabelle complains of cramps in her muscles, and Mary sends Bash for water. Isabelle can't believe Mary isn't judging her for being alone and pregnant, and also how nice Mary is for taking care of her. Mary's all, queens: they're just like everyone else! She asks if Isabelle doesn't think it's odd that Bash will be king, and Isabelle replies that she sees how her cousin looks at Mary, so the married-to-Mary part doesn't surprise her, but the king part is still odd. She starts to say she doesn't think Bash has the ruthlessness to betray a friend—something kings usually need—but she's interrupted by a contraction.
Evil Anne paces behind her barred door and advises Kenna, who's sitting outside reading, to get as far from the French court as she can, since she's not smart enough for political games. She monologues that Bash has surely been captured by now, and if not, he's in the Blood Wood, so he'll soon be dead anyway. Kenna asks if Evil Anne isn't worried about telling her all her evil plans, but she just smirks that spoken words can't be used against her, since they vanish as soon as they're said aloud—just like the king's promises. Kenna thanks her for her wisdom and gets up to leave. Evil Anne hilariously hollers after her, "Where are you going? I'm not done abusing you! You're taking away my only amusement!"
Horrible Childbirth Tent. Mary goes for more water, because her middle name is Sue. She gets distracted and sees a pagan symbol in the woods, an animal head hung from a tree. There are torch lights bobbing about ominously in the woods. She knocks the animal head down with a big stick, then sees the necklace—with the same symbol as the one the ginger boy was wearing—hanging on a branch. She runs back into the tent and tells Bash the pagans are coming. Isabelle takes a moment away from her Lamaze breathing to ask if when Mary says "hideous pagans" she means the Blood Cult. She tries to leap to the pagans' defense, but it's hard to leap when your cervix is up to this kind of shenanigans.
Bash hushes Isabelle, but when Mary says she knocked down the symbols, he's all, WHAT. Alec extinguishes the lamps and Bash tells Mary to keep quiet. Outside, the horses scream as the pagans chant and wave torches. Bash, Alec, and Isabelle begin to chant quietly along with them. The chants reach a fever pitch and then a sword slices across one of the horses' necks and its whinnies silence. Blood splashes on the tent wall.
Bash comes into the tent and says the pagans are gone after killing the horse. Mary freaks out when he says they're safe, and Bash reminds her that they'd all be dead if the pagans hadn't heard Bash, Alec, and Isabelle chanting and thought they were pagans as well. She's still horrified to have found out that everyone is a pagan, but Bash points out that alive and pagan is better than Catholic and dead.
Mary, still shrieking, accuses Bash of hanging the necklace outside, and guesses that Uncle Jonathan was executed for heresy rather than treason. She calls Bash a monster just like the rest of the blood-sacrificing pagans, and when he asks how he could possibly reply to her ignorant cruelty, screams, "The pagan is calling the Catholic ignorant?!" Well, uh…yes. Yes he is. Bash asserts that he's Catholic, too, that he just repeated the words he learned when he visited Isabelle's family. Isabelle and Alec are pagans, he confirms reluctantly, and Isabelle clung to her faith when her father was killed, the same way many people cling to their own beliefs.
Bash draws some incredibly clumsy parallels, even saying, "Most pagans are just like us, Mary…. They just happen to see something different when they picture God." He insists that the Blood Cult is a weird violent offshoot he doesn't understand. All during this conversation, poor fucking Isabelle is groaning and laboring in the background, while her beloved cousin ignores her cries of pain until Alec calls them back in to help, for chrissake. TV labor progresses and Isabelle pops out a healthy three-month-old girl covered in grape jelly and cream cheese. Bash and Mary exchange significant looks as Isabelle cuddles her baby.
In the morning, Lola lets herself into Evil Anne's room. Lola smugly says she knew Kenna would provoke Evil Anne into revealing herself, and holds up a couple of letters with Evil Anne's seal on them. One, she says, is her instructions to have the villager attack Bash. Lola asks if Evil Anne appreciates how well Greer imitates her handwriting, and if Evil Anne is so sure none of her guards will confess under torture to carrying out those orders—giving Henry plenty of reason to behead her. This doesn't faze Evil Anne.
The second letter, Greer continues, orders that Evil Anne's gold will be used to pay for a lavish public banquet in honor Lord Regent Bash. This, now, this really bugs Evil Anne. Lola continues that she'll keep the first letter private unless any harm comes to Mary or Bash or the ladies. Evil Anne asks what role Lola plays in the quartet, since Aylee was a liar, Greer is a forger, and Kenna is "a seductress," she says, to be polite. Lola replies coldly that Evil Anne executed Lola's precious Colin, and then turns the knife when she observes that Evil Anne's schemes have driven away the son for whom she made so many sacrifices.
Clearing. Bash packs up the wagon while Mary apologizes awkwardly for the night's hurtful intolerant screaming. Bash is willing to accept her apology, but she tells him that if he's legitimized, they'll be married immediately, making him the king of Scotland, and later of France. (Would a secretly kinda pagan king be so much worse than Idi Amin?) As king he'll have scores more enemies, and his family's secrets are likely to come out. He's also vulnerable because of the people he loves, and Mary thinks he might not want to be king and put himself, and them, in that position. Her understanding here is all well and good, but Bash has said like fifteen thousand times that he never wanted to be king!
Mary continues that she'll understand if Bash wants to avoid all that by not marrying her. Before he can reply, Alec calls them back into the tent to see to Isabelle, who's lying pale and nearly unconscious, and hemorrhaging everywhere. Bash wants to get her to help, but Isabelle just asks Bash in a whisper to care for the baby and find her a good home. He promises while Mary holds the baby and cries a little, and then Isabelle dies.
Castle. Bash tells the baby how much she looks like Isabelle while Mary watches and shushes her screaming ovaries. Bash hands the baby over to a servant and asks her to bring her to the court nursery and hide her among the other children. The woman assures them that she cares for three other infants, so no one will notice an extra. She promises not to say anything about where she got this one and leaves.
Mary asks Bash if he saw the mark on the infant's heel, and he confirms that it's a pagan mark. Isabelle must have put it there before bleeding to death. And any other pagan would recognize it, and some of the villagers might, too. I'm sure that won't come back to bite them in the ass. They climb back up into the tunnels.
Isabelle's body lies in the front hall. Hugo rushes up to Bash, who explains that he found the fugitive while out hunting. He had to kill her when she threatened him, Alec explains. Hugo doesn't even make a courtesy mention of how nice it is that Bash wasn't hurt, just says that they found the evidence of Isabelle's father's identity in her home—burned for heresy, Hugo says, most insinuatingly. Bash coolly says now the traitor's line is ended, and when Hugo asks about Isabelle's pregnancy, he manages to say Isabelle must have given birth and abandoned the baby in the woods, so hopefully the wolves will take care of it.
Hugo replies that the child of a criminal deserves the same as the criminal, and Bash hisses back that the cowardly conspirator deserves the same as his puppeteer. He asks how Evil Anne is, and suggests that if she's lonely in her cell, perhaps Hugo can keep her company. Mary is smugly pleased to see Bash growing a spine and some political acumen.
Bash finishes burying Isabelle (wouldn't that seem suspicious?) and when Mary arrives with a garland, he tells her that the pagans don't put cut flowers on graves, because they don't want to adorn death with something else that will die shortly. She commiserates with him over his loss, and asks how they'll mark Isabelle's resting place. He's all, you're not gonna like this…then pulls his dagger and cuts his hand. He drips some blood on the grave and explains that pagans give thanks with what is most vital to the body. Mary grimaces, then takes the knife and does the same. How is it possible they're not all dead of raging staph infections?
Bash is touched by the gesture and says even though he never wanted to be king, he'll accept his fate if he must. But he won't be Francis, he says (AND THANK GOD FOR THAT)—his duty will never be to throne and country first. If he marries her, his duty will be to Mary first. This is all Mary has ever wanted to hear in her entire self-sacrificing life, someone pledging to love her for herself, rather than for her crown. She leans in and kisses Bash; he strokes her face with his bloody hand. Good lord, kids. Pathogens.
time: Both Henry and Clarissa threaten Evil Anne with beheading. And Sexy Nostradamus is alive!