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Francis's ex-girlfriend, Olivia, shows up at court with a sob story about how her coach was attacked by pagans, but it turns out she's here because she's the latest salvo in Evil Anne of Green Gables's war against Mary. Evil Anne flings Olivia vagina-first at Francis, who's torn between the girl who let him touch her squishy places and the one he's been promised to marry since he was five. Francis makes cry faces for an hour while everyone falls in lust with Bash, because he's the best.
In lady-in-waiting news, Aylee gets caught light-fingering some of Mary's jewelry by Evil Anne of Green Gables, who pressures Aylee to bring her all of Mary's letters to her mom, so Evil Anne will know more of what Mary's thinking. But it turns out Aylee has confessed all to Mary and they're feeding Evil Anne bad intel.
And Mary finds out that Kenna has become King Henry's junior mistress. She makes a sad face and pouts about what a whore Kenna is, because the show is now Team Whores vs. Team Virgins… and we know what side Mary's on.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!You know the drill: Mary is Teen of Scots. She lives in France now. But Francis, her betrothed, is kind of rubbish, so Mary's been kind of making sex eyes at Francis's bastard half-brother, Bash. And Evil Anne of Green Gables wants to stab her in the face, forever and ever, amen.
A carriage carrying two young women rolls down the road. A young man jumps out from the brush to interrupt and say the road ahead is flooded. He tells the coach master the best way to go is through the woods. And since the young fellow is a ginger, I'm sure he's evil. The coach master tips him and the young ginger clutches a necklace that has left a brand on his skin.
As the coach moves through the woods, an axle breaks and the ladies inside gasp in fear. They hear pagan dialect outside, along with the sound of blades, as if people are being stabbed. One of the girls goes outside to investigate; she hears the other begging for her life, even though there was no one else in the coach. The second girl's lifeless body collapses out the other door, her throat slit. The first girl flees into the woods.
At the castle in France, Mary and Francis stroll together and talk, prosaically, about politics and their engagement until Mary interrupts Francis because she wants to be just a girl and a boy talking about their relationship. Francis, kind of charmingly, says he's now all about dedicating himself to Mary. He hems and haws and finally asks if she wants to, you know, if she's not busy on Friday or whatever, go with him to the Harvest Festival. They banter cutely about how she shouldn't let him kiss her and then they make out, and it's a shame Francis can't grow a real beard.
The girl from the carriage flees through the woods, watched by a raven.
Mary and her ladies let a fellow at the festival tell them how they should write their regrets on a small model ship and sail it away. Bash interrupts, fully recovered, and greets all the girls and flirts outrageously with all of them. Bash is the best. He observes that Mary is quite a bit cheerier than she's been lately and she says all she requires is that a gentleman not try to kill her and she's super cheerful. Bash raises his glass, all, "Well, I'll have to get drunk off my face at your wedding." Lola checks out Bash's ass as he leaves, because Lola knows what's up.
Lola also cautions Mary as Bash leaves, reminding Mary that she didn't grow up in a convent, so she knows what boys like. Mary brushes off all of Lola's concerns, and Kenna points out an old, curly-haired man who's been ogling Greer. Despite the fact that the man is old and gray, Greer is intrigued, since Lord What's His Name is a Hapsburg. She fucks off to snag herself a man.
The blond girl from the coach continues running through the woods, in daylight now, so that's impressive stamina for a noblewoman.
Greer talk with Lord What's His Face about India as Leith, her hot man-wench from last week, ogles indiscreetly from across the room. Greer lets Lord Who'sy Whatsy spill his drink on her and heads downstairs, where Leith intercepts her. She blames him for both the drink-spilling and the earlier kissy-facing, and after he blots helpfully at her dress, she ducks inside a room and disrobes, then hands him the soiled garment. He takes it and sees her, in the open doorway, in her undercrackers. She's upset. He's delighted.
Francis tries to impress Mary with the boat he's made for the wee regatta or whatever this week's excuse for a party is. A man-at-arms interrupts and says they've found the blond girl, who's asking for Francis. Another man-at-arms brings the girl in, and Francis recognizes her, whispering her name. Francis runs to her side.
Bash sidles up to Mary and expositions for us: the girl is Olivia D'Amencourt, who used to live at court and share a math tutor with Francis. Mary jealously asks if she left brokenhearted, and Bash just swills his ale like the good discreet bastard he is. Francis escorts Olivia out of the party and Bash confirms that yes, Francis was brokenhearted when Olivia left.
Francis invites himself into what looks like Bash's sickroom, repurposed, and asks Olivia if she can talk about how her coach was diverted. She explains about the young man who told them of the flooded road, and repeats some of the pagan language she overheard. She and Francis are just so blond.
Francis tactfully pries about why Olivia decided to come back to court, since she had planned to marry someone else. She confesses that her betrothed found out that she gave up the precious ladyflower to Francis, so she's ruined. Francis's face says he could not possibly have foreseen this outcome!
Mary, in her bedroom, tells Francis he shouldn't blame Bash for telling her about Olivia, and asks why Olivia left. Francis says she had an offer of marriage, and also Evil Anne of Green Gables made her life a fucking misery. Mary's all, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR, FERRETFACE. Mary asks why Evil Anne decided to destroy Olivia, and Francis tells her how they got their freak on in the boathouse and were discovered. Stupid, stupid sixteenth-century children. Francis continues confessing to Mary and apologizes for all his fucking around, while Mary excuses all his bad behavior -- she blames Olivia for giving it up too easily, since she had to have known that Francis couldn't marry her, as all of Europe knew he'd been engaged to Mary since he was a toddler.
Francis thanks Mary for her understanding and says he's just hoping to help Olivia regain some credibility so she can make a good marriage. I… I guess I have been misled about how these things work, because unless Olivia can regrow herself a good, hefty hymen, I think she's shit out of luck?
Mary and the girls lounge around a great roaring fire as Aylee reads them some Virgil in Latin, while Greer interrupts periodically with stories of Lord What's His Face's fascination with peppercorns. The girls are all distracted when Olivia comes in; Evil Anne (wearing bloodred; I'm sure that's important) stands up to greet Olivia, and the ladies-in-waiting titter about how Evil Anne must hate Olivia more than Mary does.
The girls gossip about who would deign to marry "used property," as Greer puts it, even if the user was the dauphin. Greer sneers that Olivia doesn't belong at court while Kenna says Greer doesn't either, actually, since she's not titled. They snipe and scratch at each other until Mary interrupts them, then gets up to greet Olivia and invite her to sit with them. Mary offers to lend Olivia a dress for the autumn festival, since her trunks went awry. Olivia's hair is so gloriously flaxen that I'm surprised Aylee doesn't rip it off her slutty little head.
Bash rides through the woods until he's intercepted by Francis, who's all shirty because Bash told Mary that Francis and Olivia made the beast with two backs. Francis says he thinks Olivia's carriage was attacked by pagans, and that they're luring people in. Bash just scowls… probably because no one in all of France has hair that curls like Francis's.
Aylee is walking through the halls of the castle when she stumbles, dropping a ring that comes to rest at Evil Anne's feet. The queen interrogates poor stupid Aylee, who wasn't supposed to have the ring -- "I take things sometimes. It makes me feel better," she confesses -- and confiscates the ring for herself, telling Aylee she's going to think about what's to be done, since her softhearted mistress would probably spare her the usual thieves' punishment: chopping off her hand.
Bash and some men-at-arms investigate the site of Olivia's coach. The bodies of her traveling companion and the driver are strung up, by the feet, bleeding from the necks -- sacrifices by the heretics, the man-at-arms says. One of the men is still breathing and Bash cuts him down, even as the others protest him interrupting the ritual. The man-at-arms is worried the pagans will see, but Bash is not.
Mary dresses Olivia in her own clothes in her room as Olivia stammers about how weird this is. Mary acknowledges that men are allowed to have pasts whereas women are ruined if they indulge in a little light frottage, which is just garbage. Olivia starts monologuing, saying she knows when Mary looks at her she sees a stupid girl who wasted her virginity on a man she couldn't have, but ah, ha ha, Mary's wrong, since Francis told Olivia he wanted to marry her. Mary's all, yeah… boys say a lot of things, sweetheart, while Olivia needles her about the passion and love she shared with Francis and how much she knows about his desires. Mary's totally justified in stabbing Olivia in the face, I think.
Bash shares his experience with the pagans with Sexy Nostradamus while Our Pal tends to the half-dead man from the coach. Nostradamus says the pagans have been making sacrifices for centuries -- and not always animals, which freaks Bash out. Bash thought the murders were just to scare people away from land the pagans wanted, and asks why the pagans have started hunting people rather than animals. Nostradamus says he doesn't know, but Bash should stay close to the castle, because he might have put his foot right in a pile of shit.
Olivia, in the kitchens, asks the way to the wine cellar. The ginger who diverted her in the woods, now disguised as a kitchen man-wench, points her in the right direction, and she asks if she's met him before, saying his voice sounds familiar. The ginger asks Leith, kneading bread, who Olivia is, and he tells him she's a guest of the court -- didn't he hear about her carriage being attacked by pagans? Ginger says he did hear, he just didn't know there were any survivors. Ruh-roh.
Francis confesses to Mary that he did talk about marriage with Olivia back when he was a wee stupid boy. (And since Bash said Olivia left court just a few months before Mary arrived, he was a wee stupid boy quite recently.) He was caught up, he says, and Mary says he was caught up with a rich girl, not one who had a needy country hanging around her neck. (If Olivia was such a rich prize, someone should've been monitoring what she did with her precious ladyparts, no?)
Francis reminds Mary of how committed he is to her, and she's all, yeah… about that! This nice viscountess has agreed to house Olivia in Paris! Francis doesn't leap out of his chair at that good news, and Mary points out how Olivia has basically been peeing all over Francis-adjacent things lately, marking her territory, so maybe it's best if she just fucks off to Paris, where she can rub her nonvirginal ladybits all over a bunch of lesser nobles? Francis grudgingly accedes.
Evil Anne of Green Gables strokes her pet parakeet in her best Bond villain manner while monologuing evilly at Aylee. Evil Anne says she met Mary's mother, Marie de Guise, only once, after Francis and Mary's engagement was sealed, and Mary, six at the time, was so scared. (Mary hasn't seen her mother since then, basically.)
Evil Anne says it was difficult to send Mary away to the convent since she'd grown attached to her, and acknowledges she's made some missteps with Mary since she's returned to France. It pains her that Mary isn't honest when she asks if she's happy, Evil Anne says. So Evil Anne proposes that Aylee bring Mary's letters to Mama Marie to Evil Anne before they're posted -- otherwise Aylee will be branded a thief and sent away from court in disgrace. This doesn't seem to be a tough choice for our little Aylee.
Olivia bustles, with all familiarity, into Francis's quarters. She pulls a bottle of booze from her muff (the one that keeps her hands warm, you perverts) and pours them some drinks, while saying smuggling the booze in was always most of the fun. Francis accedes and they reminisce about their time together Before Mary.
Francis takes a drink and says he's arranged for a nice family to host Olivia and make social introductions for her. Instead of leaping for the rafters and rejoicing like any smart ruined girl would do, Olivia pouts and asks why Francis won't let her stay at court. He's all, I gotta get your tainted lady bits out of Fontainebleu on the double before my girlfriend loses her royal shit.
Leith brings Greer's wine-stained dress back to her and says the laundresses weren't able to help. They flirt about how he managed to get her out of her dress, anyway, and she smacks him down, bleating again about how her younger sisters cannot marry until she does, blah blah, her family has spent all this money social climbing. Leith says he cares for Greer and that doesn't have to ruin her, but she tells him that Olivia was ruined by a royal, not even a kitchen boy. He sadly says he understands.
Olivia still wants to stay at court, but Francis says Mary thinks Olivia still cares for him, which is why she needs to leave. Olivia says Mary's right. Francis reminds Olivia she always knew he was engaged, and now he cares about Mary. Olivia tries to make the case for Francis putting his country first -- and breaking his engagement would help that how? She makes giant fuck-me eyes at him and simpers about how she loves him. She asks to be his mistress, if not his wife, and kisses him. Francis breaks it off and gets up to leave, but Olivia says he can have her any way he wants.
Kenna storms up to Mary and asks why Olivia is staying. She says Olivia's belongings were recovered from the woods and are being unpacked. Mary says she's sure that Kenna, and the servant who was her source, are wrong, and Kenna goes off to make some discreet inquiries. After Kenna leaves, Evil Anne pops up and whispers that Kenna was wearing a new necklace, which is so disrespectful to Mary -- since the necklace was originally given to Evil Anne as an anniversary gift from the king. Mary still doesn't get it, and Evil Anne is all, pshaw, child. You idiot. Evil Anne is confident Kenna's affair with Henry won't last, and points out that she's learned the signs of Henry's dalliances over the years.
Evil Anne draws some uncomfortable parallels for Mary, telling her how Henry and Diane were lovers before he married. Satisfied, Evil Anne swans off while Mary contemplates murdering Olivia with a hairpin. And maybe Kenna, too, for being a disloyal slut.
Greer discusses Virgil with Lord What's His Name from earlier. He's still going on about pepper, and Greer can't help but make sex eyes at her boytoy across the barn where they're talking. (Why is the nobles' festival taking place in a barn? Is this a precursor to Marie Antoinette's Hameau at Le Petit Trianon?).
Sexy Nostradamus tells Bash that Olivia's driver has died, but he talked about the pagans and blood sacrifice before passing. He said the pagans struck a bargain with some dark and bloodthirsty creature that dwells in a cave in the woods, Nostradamus tells Bash.
Kenna tells Mary that she's confirmed Olivia is moving into the castle. Mary swills her wine like a pro, and bitterly mutters about how everyone is lying to her. She asks where Kenna got her necklace and if she's sleeping with Henry. Kenna insists that Henry is in Paris, breaking up with Diane, and Mary's all, uh-huh, I'm sure he's doing that. Mary insists that she cares about Kenna and that Kenna doesn't want Evil Anne as an enemy. She tells Kenna to end the affair.
Kenna asks if that's an order, given by her queen, and Mary says it's given by a friend (although she doesn't deny that it's an order). Kenna blurts out that Henry has asked her to be his mistress, which makes Kenna no longer subject to Mary. Uh… so she's not Scottish anymore? She's French by insemination? Sure, whatever.
Francis finds Mary and she demands to know if the whole Olivia-moving-into-the-castle thing is true. He hems and haws like a stupid baby and says he doesn't want Olivia to live with people who resent her. "But I resent having her," Mary says. Francis mumbles that it will take some time to find Olivia a place to live. Mary demands to know what's happened between them and he confesses that he did something, but stopped it.
Mary starts flustering and shrieking under her breath until Francis puts his foot down and says Olivia is staying, since he's the prince of France and she's not. Mary snaps that she will not have a relationship like his parents', and asks why Francis is acting like his father. Francis raises that weak chin of his and says he'd take Olivia as his mistress if he was acting like his father. "Then don't let me stop you," Mary grits.
Outside, Mary finds Bash down by the lake and asks him for his flask. She drinks and grimaces; he laughs. He says he should probably tell her to slow down, and she says cutely, "But you won't." He takes the flask back and drinks, and he is so in love with her it's not even a joke anymore.
Francis, barreling through the party like a tiny blond tantrum, asks Lola if she knows where Mary is. Lola, being the world's worst lady in waiting, does not know. He wants to apologize to her (maybe?) because he lost his temper, but she irritates him so much, he tells Lola. She tells him to go find Mary.
At the lake, Mary is hammered. She's slurring to Bash how foolish she was to think she and Francis could have been just a girl and a boy. Bash is just staring at her mouth like the bastard horndog he is, as she asks if she's boring him. He says he can't believe that Francis would look elsewhere when he has her, and Mary leans in and kisses Bash. GET IT, QUEEN. She says she shouldn't have done that, and Bash romantic-heroes, "You're right. I should've." And he kisses her, like, seriously kisses her.
Francis, twenty feet away or so, watches them kiss. Good. You should feel bad, you larva-faced jackass.
Mary stops the awesome making out with Bash all too soon and starts freaking out about how she's a queen and this was a mistake. She apologizes to Bash (oh my GOD, if there was ever a teenage girl who didn't need to compulsively apologize for shit it's the one who's the goddamn Queen of Scotland! Listen to me, teenage girls of the world: stop apologizing for shit. Own it. Do it. Don't tell anyone you're sorry unless you've legitimately hurt them. That is all.) and flees back to watch Francis write his regrets on his tiny ship.
Mary, sitting to Francis, apologizes to him for getting drunk and freaking out on him. She wants to talk, but he says she's been quite clear. Nearby, Evil Anne tells Aylee how happy she is to have read Mary's letters, and they'll just make it a permanent arrangement. Francis stalks back away from Mary to where Olivia is waiting. Lola, Greer and Aylee are of no help at all; Lola asks Mary if she's okay, and she says she's not, that regret is a terrible feeling and sending her ship out on the lake hasn't gotten rid of hers.
Greer, having taken Mary's message to heart, catches Leith in the hallway and grabs his face so she can suck on it for a while. She tells him she doesn't want to regret passing this up when she's married to some boring fat-faced title-holder. She says no one can know about their affair, and secrecy apparently turns Leith on, because he picks her up and makes out with her against a wall, like a proper randy man-wench.
In Evil Anne's quarters, she's having a mask applied to her face by a servant as she tells Olivia that the attack on her carriage certainly added some drama to her arrival. (So… is Evil Anne in charge of the pagans? Is Sexy Nostradamus?) She asks how things are going with Francis, and Olivia says it's awful causing Mary so much pain. Evil Anne grits that she can bring all kinds of hell down on Olivia's family. Ah, so this wasn't Olivia's idea. Olivia says she did what Evil Anne told her to do.
Olivia asks what will happen to her once she breaks Mary and Francis up, and Evil Anne says she'll be the queen of France. "But you don't even like me," Olivia says. "I like you more than a queen I can't control," Evil Anne replies. Evil Anne stands and grabs Olivia's hands, saying she was just a rich girl with no title when she married Henry, and together they, the rich girls without titles, will do awesome things. (I'm surprised Aylee was the lady-in-waiting Evil Anne made her alliance with, then, as Greer would seem to be the one she'd have an affinity with.) Olivia looks freaked out as fuck as Evil Anne says, "So hurry along now and get pregnant. I'm assuming you don't need my guidance in that arena."
Aylee tells Mary about how she's giving the queen her letters. Ooh, interesting. Mary knows Evil Anne is behind the Olivia business.
Bash, in his quarters, chucks his boots on the floor. The ginger boy, perched on the railing, tells him he's taken what doesn't belong to him, adding to a debt he already owes (to the pagans?). Bash draws his sword and asks who the boy is. The boy mentions the bloody tree in the woods, and Bash says he cut Colin's body down. He thinks the boy is one of the pagans and points his sword at the boy's throat as the boy says his life means nothing, that Bash now owes a debt, and has to choose someone to sacrifice. (I choose Francis.) The boy chucks himself off the parapet after saying, "It is a privilege to die in service of something so much greater."
time: The pagans freak out everyone in the castle.
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