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Happily for everyone who appreciates clever bastards, Bash recovers from last week's nasty gut wound well enough to start flirting with Lola and helping Francis save the day. Francis needs the help because it turns out that Tomas is a violent asshole who plans to take Mary's money and land and crown and in return he'll beat the help in front of her and yell at her in Portuguese.
Mary and Francis both decide that this is a terrible trade, so they put on their Junior Encyclopedia Brown hats and figure out that Tomas was actually the dastardly villain who betrayed the French troops to the English last week, thus getting all the men killed and Bash seriously injured—and driving Mary into the engagement to Tomas. (So it wasn't Henry, like he intimated.)
Tomas had framed English envoy Simon for the betrayal, and Simon's about to get a really close shave, but Bash and Francis duel with Tomas, Francis kills him, and they get back to the castle in time to prevent the execution of an English diplomat, which would result in instant war. Mary jumps right back into her engagement to Francis, but this time shrewdly insists on negotiating the marriage treaty herself, like a boss.
And over in nonespionage-related bedrooms, Kenna wrangles her way into being the king's junior mistress, and finally gives up her precious lady garden, and Greer makes out with Hot Kitchen Man-Wench some more. Aylee doesn't get any. Pauvre Aylee.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!You know the drill by now: Mary's the queen of Scotland. England hates her. France likes her, but isn't ready to put a ring on it. Her best friend's a ghost. But luckily Portugal wants to get into her royal lady-pants, and they'll give her an army to play with.
Tomas and Francis compete in an archery competition, both of them sneaking glances at Mary to make sure she's watching. Sexy Nostradamus worriedly asks who designed the target—a rough figure with a burlap bag for a head—and Evil Anne of Green Gables laughs that it's meant to look like the castle ghost. "You know, the girl they blame for every servant who runs off or goes missing," she titters. From the look on Henry's face, he's probably aware of where a few of the girl servants go (to a convent, while suspiciously round in the belly!).
Francis congratulates Tomas on his shot (which went through the target's head), then snarks that the point is to hit the heart. Tomas is all, oh yeah? He shoots again and nails it. He goads Francis, who shoots again, also hitting the heart. Mary makes her panicky aaaaahhhh-the-boys-are-fighting face while her ladies gossip about the recent change in Tomas's personality—seems he's become less the suave seducer of last week and more of an overbearing jackhole. Kenna smirks to herself and looks up to the dais where the king sits and gives him the sex eyes. The ladies discuss Mary's secret not quite engagement to Tomas, which won't be official until Henry releases Mary from her betrothal to Francis.
Uncle Claude interrupts and draws Mary away for a chat. She asks why he and Henry haven't resolved the marriage issue yet. Claude says it's complicated so it will take time, and Mary marble-mouthedly pouts that she refuses to beg for something she's not sure she wants. If you needed reminding that Mary is supposed to be FIFTEEN. Claude points out that she'll beg if that's what she has to do to keep Scotland safe (and it's adorable how he says "our borders" as if he's not French). "You'll be queen of nothing if you don't make Scotland safe from England, and you can't do that without Portugal's strength, which you can't have without Henry's release to marry Tomas," he snaps. And then he faints from lack of oxygen because that was a hell of a mouthful.
Inside the castle, Sexy Nostradamus checks on Bash, who's dozing. Lola asks about his recovery, and Nostradamus gruffs that his wound is healing, but he has an infection that could kill him. Bash mutters that Nostradamus shouldn't scare girls, and Lola squeals over him a little. He confirms that he feels about as fine he looks—and since he looks like he went on an eight-day bender and then ran a marathon, it's safe to say he's feeling poorly. Nostradamus goes to get him some water, and Lola takes his place at Bash's bedside.
Bash asks if Lola will run back to tell Mary about his ill health, or if she's brave enough to stay with a dying man. She matter-of-factly says she nursed two of her brothers to their graves (and her boyfriend was beheaded, like, a week ago), so now she doesn't fear death. She only fears being alone. Nostradamus interrupts that Bash has to rest, but the patient just grumbles that looking at Nostradamus's sexy face makes him feel worse, but looking at Lola cheers him up. Nostradamus shrugs, all, so go ahead and die, and shleps back to his dungeon.
Bash asks Lola if she'll fetch his book of Norse mythology (because Bash is a secret pagan!) and read to him. She does.
Back at the tournament, Francis and Tomas are still taking turns shooting things because they are men. The girls ask if Uncle Claude had good news, and Mary says it's complicated. "Is anything uncomplicated in France?" Greer asks. Mary just simpers in the archers' general direction, and after his final shot, Tomas is declared the winner. A page brings him a pink rose on a pillow, and he offers it to Mary. From everyone's whispering, he's done something very uncouth.
Tomas asks if he's offended everyone, and Francis smirks as he denies Tomas has done anything wrong. But Mary looks like Tomas just murdered Stirling in front of her. She accepts the rose queasily. (There's also something weird about the quality of Tomas's dialogue in this episode, like the actor had to rerecord it at the bottom of the ocean while learning the lines phonetically.)
Mary chases after Francis, who's off to retrieve his arrows in a sulk. She apologizes on Tomas's behalf for rubbing their new relationship in his face, but Francis thinks Tomas knew exactly what he was doing—marking his territory. She tries to plead with Francis and get him to fight for her, but he has a wall of bravado (bolstered by a castleful of hookers, no doubt) to protect him from his delicate fee-fees.
An adviser whispers in Henry's ear. He stands, and then men-at-arms grab Lord Simon Westbrook, the English envoy (the one who likes to bang servants who haven't been recently poisoned). Henry accuses Simon of being the spy who sold out the companies going to Calais, and summarily sentences him to death two days hence, during the Michaelmas banquet. Simon sputters and protests as the guards drag him off.
Mary paces around a hallway in the castle (her dress is sleeveless, as usual, and if this wasn't History Presented by Urban Outfitters, she'd be burned as a whore in about three seconds. Also, it's probably cold in that castle). Evil Anne caustically observes that Mary's a queen, and yet she's pacing around waiting for an audience with Henry. They exchange barbs and Mary asks why Evil Anne is no longer kind to her, as she was when Mary was a child. Evil Anne confesses that when she looks at Mary she sees death, and soldiers of France dying to defend Scotland. Mary asks Evil Anne to use her influence, then, to get Henry to let Mary go with Portugal (although she should really be asking Diane).
Mary curtsies before the king and asks how she can help France. He and Evil Anne say it's a bit more difficult to chop off diplomats' heads than those of penniless Scottish servant boys, so they need ironclad testimony to execute Simon for spying and causing the deaths of the French troops. But what they have is a rosy-cheeked young woman who looks miserable. Everyone whispers among themselves when Evil Anne says, "Instead, we have her," a woman who overheard Simon bragging in a tavern about what he did. Francis has to explain to Mary that the woman is a prostitute. What they want Mary to do is corroborate her story (so…Mary's going to say she was in the tavern? Sure).
Mary walks over to talk to the woman (as if talking to a prostitute is something a queen would ever do) and asks what she saw. Judith—who for some reason has a broad, lower-class English accent, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE IN FRANCE—explains that she heard the man boasting, and heard the men call Simon by name. She recognized the English seal Simon wore. Mary asks why Judith came forward, when she recognized how powerful Simon is and that he could hurt her. Judith says Simon's heartless, playing games with lives. This seems to be good enough for Mary, because she asks if Henry will release her from her engagement if she corroborates Judith's story. Henry nods. So does Francis. Mary agrees, and Henry tells the room at large to notify the executioner.
Sexy Nostradamus and Evil Anne gossip in the hall. He asks why she isn't happy that Mary's leaving, and Evil Anne says she didn't want an English spy causing French deaths. Nostradamus points out that it's unfortunate that Simon—who was so useful to Evil Anne in sending Mary the poisoned dress—turned out to be a spy. She speculates that maybe he sided with her against Mary so she'd overlook the espionage. He was wrong, she snips. She asks again if Nostradamus's visions of Francis's death have changed, but he says if anything, they're worse.
The ladies find Mary in her chamber, where she's packing. They are THE WORST AT ALL THEIR JOBS. She says she's leaving in two days, and Aylee seizes on the language, asking if Mary doesn't want them to come with her. Mary says they have a choice whether to go with her, since they'd agreed to come to France, not thinking they'd end up in Portugal. "We left to be with you," Lola says, and Mary asks if the girls will come with her. Lola, Aylee, and Greer all chorus that they will, of course, while Kenna just blinks.
Francis takes aim and shoots the burlap-headed target again. Mary sneaks up behind him and asks whose face he sees on the target—Tomas? He says today it's Simon. He puts down his bow and reminisces sadly about how happy he and Mary were when they were children together. That is…such a weird thing to have in common with your spouse. He strokes her face but they stop before kissing, since they're in full view of the castle. They agree to meet at the lake at sunset. Mary walks away, neither of them seeing one of Tomas's men watching them. The man runs directly to Tomas and tells him what he saw.
Henry opens the door of his bedchamber (and while I lack a degree in European history, I'm pretty sure royalty was never left alone as often as these people are) to find Kenna there, all but whirling her knickers over her head like a propeller. She strides in and interrupts what he was saying by kissing him. He remarks on how different she seems, how willing. She says she's leaving in two days and she wants to sleep with him before she goes. The king pulls back and asks if she's sure. And now it's just getting ludicrous, how patient and into enthusiastic consent this king is. I mean, it's a fine message and makes Henry seem very decent (well, decent considering he's cheating on his wife and his mistress), but I don't think anyone in the history of sex has ever hemmed and hawed this much.
She says she's sure, but she also wants to stay in France. Henry reminds her there's no role for her at court with Mary gone, and she asks to be his mistress. (What happened to Robert?!) Henry says he already has a mistress. Kenna stomps off.
Bash sleeps, all pale and sweaty. Francis stands to his bed brooding. His mother comes in and Francis immediately begins ranting about how he doesn't understand what happened, how his men failed when he was so careful with his strategy! Evil Anne says that's why he shouldn't blame himself, and Francis says he doesn't (as the heir to the throne, he's probably never blamed himself for anything, ever)—he blames Simon. He was right to send those troops, because the English attacks on the Scottish border stopped as soon as the Portuguese arrived (so it would've worked if the French had gotten there).
And, Evil Anne points out, Mary would still be engaged to Francis if Simon hadn't betrayed them. Francis says this isn't about his broken heart, but Evil Anne says she's not mocking him; she thinks he has a good heart, since he loves his bastard brother and tried to love his child bride. "If only your father's heart could do that," she says. Francis frets about Mary and Evil Anne tells him to let her go. But he doesn't really trust his mother's take on the situation, since she hates Mary with the fire of a thousand Sun Kings. He also doesn't trust Tomas, and this time he's going to go with his gut feeling.
Francis meets Mary in the woods. She observes that she's heard the questions he's been asking about Tomas. He's doing it so Tomas knows someone's keeping an eye on him so he'll treat Mary well, he explains. He says he hears Tomas is mean to the help. Mary assures him he doesn't need to worry, and they sprawl on the blanket she's spread out to the lake.
Mary says Claude has assured her she'll be safe in Portugal, but Francis says he feels responsible for Mary's safety, since he's the one who pushed her toward Tomas. He brings up more rumors about Tomas, and she returns there are plenty about him—that he's sickly, weak, stunted. Ha! Francis mutters that the portrait artist didn't realize he was sitting while his sister was standing, so now half of Europe thinks he's a dwarf. (If that's a real painting and someone can find it, please share.) Mary jokes that Bash got all the good looks and passion in the family and Francis cuts her off by kissing her and pressing her back on the blanket so they're horizontal. They make out and Francis goes straight for second base.
When Mary comes back to her room, Tomas is already inside and going through her thinks. He commands her to forgive his impatience in not waiting to be invited in; he wants to discuss rules for her behavior in Portugal. He says she's mistaken if she thinks that she's free until she's married to him. Mary's all, who in the what now?
Tomas asks if they have whipping boys in Scotland. Mary shrugs, sure, she's heard of the concept, and Tomas immediately says Miguel, who's standing behind him, is her whipping boy, and he backhands Miguel because Mary questioned him. Mary protests and he hits Miguel again because she interrupted him. Tomas says she's bound by a treaty, and if she's not going to live by the treaty, she should keep in mind that Tomas can withdraw the ships keeping Scotland safe in an instant. He smashes a goblet to make his point.
He continues that he plans to rule like most kings: what belongs to the queen belongs to him. "For Miguel's sake, I hope we are clear," he says sinisterly. Mary, her voice shaking, agrees that yes, he's been quite clear. Tomas and Miguel leave and Aylee begs Mary not to marry Tomas. Mary's near tears when she says she has to, for Scotland. Man, Mary would chew broken glass if Nostradamus told her what awesome shit her cousin Elizabeth's going to pull off in like five years.
Nostradamus feels Bash's forehead and says the fever has broken. Francis thanks God, as do the rest of us, because this show needs all the hot boys it can find since Tomas turned out to be a monster. Bash wants to get out of that surely foul sickbed, but Nostradamus tells him to stay put so he doesn't rip open his gut wound. He excuses himself and Francis hands Bash a goblet, disappointing him enormously when he sees it's not full of wine. I so enjoy Bash.
Francis shares what he's learned about Tomas: he's heard a rumor Tomas murdered his first wife. By throwing influenza at her? Bash asks how he can do anything when any witnesses might be in Portugal, and Francis says he has to try, because he just can't let Mary go to Portugal. Tomas, lurking in the doorway, interrupts and says Francis can and must let Mary go. He asks if Francis didn't think Tomas would hear about his inquiries.
As the two of them prepare for the big dick-measuring contest, Bash struggles to sit up in his bed. Francis smirks that Mary is a friend of France, and his country will always be concerned for her well-being. Tomas asks what Francis plans to do if anything happens to Mary, and growls that Mary is his property now. "You'll never be more than the powerless princeling who couldn't even send a few men to defend her country," he sneers. Francis lunges to punch Tomas, and Bash holds him back, then groans and collapses on the bed as he probably tears his belly open again. Tomas leaves with a smirk, and the brothers Valois declare their intent to kill the heir to the throne of Portugal. I'm sure that'll be less politically fraught than offing one snotty English diplomat.
Party time! It's Michaelmas, time for masked balls and executions. As the girls diffidently dig through a pile of costumes and masks, Lola asks Mary why she's so cheerful when they're leaving in just a few hours, and Mary flippantly asks if she should spent her final hours moping and wailing rather than enjoying the company of those she's come to love at the French court. Greer exchanges glances with her hot kitchen man-wench from last week (whose name, it appears, is Leith), then tells the other girls that Mary's right, they should have fun at their last French party. "Why not use the hours we have left to seize some pleasure while we still can?" she asks. Oh, that girl is so going to get nailed on a bag of flour. The ladies pick out their costumes for the masque. Greer takes a lady's costume and a man's, just so she'll have a choice.
Mary's in her room, dressing, when she hears footsteps. She crouches to her open suitcase and finds a small English seal. She asks Clarissa if it's Simon's, then wonders to herself why the ghost would give it to her.
Outside, Bash is dressed and trying to get his sword arm back in working order. For drama's sake, let's just accept that he's a phenomenally fast healer. Lola strides up in a hilarious costume that's half angel, half Brünhilde. She takes off her helmet as he flirts that he remembers seeing her in a dream he had about Norse goddesses. "Reality's better," he says with a great deal of charm. She frets about him reopening his wound by swinging his sword around, and he says better he does it than someone else. Actually, it's probably best that no one does? How did anyone on this show survive to adulthood?
Francis joins them, dressed as Saint Michael. Bash refers to Tomas as Lucifer, and Lola wonders what happened to make him turn into a monster so quickly. (Narrative exigency?) Francis says he's learned Tomas had been looking for a queen all over Europe, thinking that would give more weight to his claim of legitimacy with the pope. Bash flagellates himself for not succeeding in his duty of sending the French troops to Scotland, and therefore spurring Mary's decision to marry Tomas. Francis seizes on that line of inquiry—now he thinks Tomas had Bash ambushed so he could come to Mary's rescue.
Party. Simon's there, shackled to a chair off in a little alcove by himself. So that's a morbid bit of entertainment. Mary approaches and they wryly discuss his impending execution and the role she played in it. Mary is dressed as Artemis, I think, with a bow slung over her back, and she fondles her mask as she talks to Simon, who's heard she's the one who signed the statement sending him to his death. He protests his innocence, and then notices his seal in her hand. She asks why it's so similar to the English royal seal, and Simon explains that Mary Tudor is his cousin by marriage—her seal has a white rose, his has a red one.
Tomas, who's dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, interrupts Mary's conversation and demands her presence. He compliments her costume and then pulls her to him in a most inappropriate way. She protests against his grip and he threatens to send for Miguel. Francis shoves Tomas away, then unrolls his theory of Tomas being behind the ambush. Mary buys it all the way. Tomas grits that they'd better have proof for accusing the future king of Portugal of espionage. Francis says he'll have it soon enough, and tells Tomas to let go of Mary, whose fingers he's crushing. Tomas stalks off.
Mary asks if Francis means Miguel might know that Tomas was the spy. At this point I bet Miguel would say anything. They agree with me, and Mary speculates that Judith also lied, so maybe she can support their theory, too. They need to prevent Simon's execution or there'll be war with England.
Lola runs up to Francis and Bash outside the castle to deliver the news that a footman saw Miguel leaving with Tomas for a game trail. The boys mount their horses and ride off to stop Tomas from silencing the witness.
Meanwhile, the party goes on. Leith, wearing the mask and doublet Greer left for him, asks what he can do for her, and she hisses at him to be discreet, because if a servant's caught pretending to be a party guest, he'll be flogged. And also, her family is counting on her to marry well, and he's her inferior. Leith is all, whoa, who said anything about marriage? He suggests they just celebrate Saint Michael's victory over Lucifer—and therefore over vanity, pride, and shame—and posits that on this feast day no one is better than anyone else. Greer leans in and kisses him.
Out in the woods, Mary interrogates Judith about where she got the money for the new cloak and boots she's wearing, and for her fare on the cart she was riding out of town. Noticing a bruise on Judith's face, she asks if she used some of the money to get her man to stop hitting her. Judith cries that it was a patron who hit her.
Mary skips right over that and asks what color the rose on Simon's medallion was when she saw him in the tavern, red or white? Judith insists that it was white, and Mary explains Simon's is red. She threatens to turn Judith in to the king, who would have her beheaded for her lies, but says she can protect her if Judith tells her who put her up to lie. She asks if Judith would recognize the man again.
Tomas, in the woods, asks Miguel if he's sure he got the prostitute headed out of town. Miguel says he gave her extra gold and told her to leave or Tomas would visit her again. So he likes backhanding women, too. Tomas villains that Miguel has served him well and he will pass his compliments along to Miguel's family. Miguel begs for his life, calling him "my lord," but Tomas just sneers that that Miguel should be calling him Your Majesty. Just as Tomas draws an arrow to kill Miguel, Francis yells from behind him. Tomas swings around, then thinks better of shooting the dauphin of France. Instead he shoots Miguel in the back as Miguel flees.
Tomas turns back and Bash smacks the arrow away with his sword. Francis tells Bash not to kill Tomas and runs over to Miguel, who's skewered but alive.
Bash and Tomas begin dueling, Bash at an obvious disadvantage due to his recent near-fatal wound. Francis can't get a shot off with his bow because Bash and Tomas are moving too quickly, so he rushes over and engages Tomas after Bash falls, clutching his gut, which is bleeding again.
Tomas villains that Francis will lose, since he didn't learn to fight like a bastard does. Francis swings his sword overhead at Tomas and misses; Tomas clubs him in the back with the flat of his sword, using Francis's momentum to propel him face-first into a tree. Stunned, Francis falls to the ground and Tomas throws down his sword. He draws an arrow to kill him. Bash, on the ground, throws his dagger at Tomas, disarming him and giving Francis enough time to recover. Francis puts his dagger to Tomas's neck.
Tomas growls that his death would mean war (ehhhh…really?), but if Francis lets him go with Mary, there will be peace. Francis replies that he'll remember the men Tomas killed when Tomas is executed. Tomas pulls Bash's dagger from his own side and lunges toward Francis. Francis instinctively stabs Tomas in self-defense. Tomas falls to the ground and dies immediately, as people do on television.
Francis, his hand shaking, pulls Bash to his feet, saying they need to get back before Simon's execution. (It's broad daylight. Simon's execution is scheduled for midnight. But whatever.) Bash reassures Francis that it's okay that his hands are shaking, because killing shouldn't be easy. Hey, you guys wanna go see if Miguel is okay after you finish bro hugging?
Back at the castle, Henry strides into the great room where the Michaelmas feast is starting. Evil Anne waylays him, gesturing wildly. Mary's four ladies watch and wonder what's happening. It's time for Simon's execution (even though it's still light outside) and Francis, Bash, and Mary are nowhere to be found. Kenna grabs a coat and runs off.
She begs the king to wait for his sons to return with proof of Simon's innocence. He doesn't want to; Evil Anne's been telling him waiting makes him look weak and unkingly. Kenna disagrees; she thinks it makes Henry look wise and fair and strong. Henry buys this, for some reason, even though his wife is possibly the greatest strategist of the royal court since Eleanor of Aquitaine, but on the other hand, Kenna has those nice perky tits. So they're both equally convincing.
He comments on how he's thankful that Kenna finally put her tits away, because they were distracting him, and she dryly says she hopes he spares Simon's life now that he's not distracted. They mumble some more shit about their unconsummated affair and he bitches about how his mistress and his wife aren't paying enough attention to him, then asks her to stay in France. "I want you, Kenna," he whispers.
Francis and Bash haul Tomas's dead body in and chuck it on the floor. (For my own peace of mind, I will assume that they dropped Miguel off with Nostradamus on their way in for some therapeutic de-arrowing.) Francis proclaims they have witnesses to prove Tomas was the spy—Mary and Judith are behind them. Simon sags against his chains in relief.
A bit later, Henry asks Simon, now freed of his chains and smartly dressed in red velvet, if he's pleased to have been made England's envoy to Portugal. Francis snarks quietly to Bash that Simon's happy with the money Portugal paid him to stay quiet about Tomas's treachery. Simon's just happy to get out of France alive, and Evil Anne spins some bullshit story about how Simon should thank João on Henry and Catherine's behalf for the sacrifice of Tomas, who died protecting Francis from a wild animal on the hunt. Simon is confident João will be happy to accept their condolences "and the matter will be forgotten by all of us—and history too, no doubt." I see what you did there, show.
Simon thanks Mary for admitting her mistake and saving his life, and she says she hopes it wasn't a second mistake (since he did recently threaten to kill her like four different ways). Mary curtsies before Henry, and he says France is happy to reinstate the marriage treaty and open negotiations again with Claude of Guise. She interrupts him and says Scotland is happy as well, especially since she'll be in charge of the negotiations this time.
Everyone starts whispering at that while Evil Anne crushes a small newt to death in frustration. Mary bowls over their objections, saying Scotland did solve the Portugal problem (except that Scotland also kind of created the Portugal problem) and prevent a war between France and England, so she's sure Henry will want to improve the terms of the marriage treaty—to the point that France will step up to protect Scotland from England.
Francis and Bash both watch this, identical expressions of pride and lust on their faces, and even Henry seems to grudgingly respect Mary as he agrees to her terms. She inclines her head regally and Greer takes the royal folder of negotiations or whatever it is from Claude, who looks poleaxed, as Henry continues on to discussing the land for her dowry. Evil Anne chokes with rage. Francis nearly giggles.
Later that night, in Mary's room, Lola congratulates her on her successful negotiations. The girls all grin like lunatics, and then Francis knocks on the door and shows himself in.
Henry answers the knock on his door and pulls Kenna in. He says she's tormented him long enough, then sweeps her up in his arms and carries her to the bed. He congratulates her on her illustrious appointment to the position of Mistress #2, then rolls her over to undo her dress and they go at it.
Mary and Francis chat on the balcony. She doesn't know how to think about how he killed someone to protect her, but likes that he trusted his heart, which was right. He says his heart wants him to forget about politics and be with her, because she's a queen any man would kill for. (And perhaps Francis misspoke: she's a queen many men will kill for.) Mary blathers some more about Francis's head ruling his heart, which all seems like an elaborate way of saying she's not ready to have sex with him even though they did have an awesome time down by the lake yesterday, and says that all of his noble qualities will make him a great king one day. (For about twenty minutes.) They serenely gaze out at the computer-generated lake.
Later, Mary sets Simon's seal down in the secret passageway in her room, and thanks the ghost for saving Simon's life and helping her avoid marriage to Tomas. She shuts the door and gets into bed—and then the camera pans down so we see a woman with a burlap bag for a head lying under her bed. Well, that's fucking spooky.
time: Pagans in the woods! And Francis's ex-girlfriend comes back to make trouble.