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It was bound to happen sooner or later: the English army parks itself on the Scottish border, panicking the queen regent, who sends word to her daughter in France that they need an army right goddamn now. Mary pleads with Henry to give her soldiers, but he refuses. She asks Francis to intercede, but he just makes ineffectual guppy faces and loses a swordfight to his dad.
While the girls were gossiping about boys, Mary learned that Kenna's flinging herself wholeheartedly into her king-banging phase, and also that Greer has been flirting gleefully with Tomas, the king of Portugal's bastard son. When Mary learns that Tomas is in France to trade for timber, she offers him a new deal: he'll give her an army and she'll give him wood. That is, trees. For building ships, you perverts. Rather than agree to a straight-up trade, Tomas asks Mary to marry him, since his father has attempted to make him legitimate so he can succeed to the throne.
Mary waffles, because she needs an army, but to get one she has to dump Francis and steal Greer's fella. Francis is desperate to hold onto Mary (although not desperate enough to, you know, MARRY HER), so he blackmails his father by threatening to tell Evil Anne of Green Gables and Shockingly Powerful Mistress Diane about Henry's plans to nail Kenna. Henry agrees to give Francis six companies of soldiers and they send Bash to deliver the orders.
But Henry betrays the mission to the English to teach Francis a lesson (about how his father is an asshole?), nearly getting Bash killed in the process. Still without an army, Mary agrees to wed Tomas. Greer cries for a minute, then makes out with a hot kitchen man-wench. And none of Lola's boyfriends get beheaded, so it's a good week for her.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!To recap: The English want to kill Mary and conquer Scotland. Her best hope is to marry Prince Francis, cementing Scotland's alliance with France. But everyone and their mom (especially Francis's mom, Evil Anne of Green Gables) wants to prevent this. To make things worse, King Henry is dragging his feet about setting a wedding date. And Francis is none too eager to get hitched.
A little boy collects eggs at the Scottish border. He turns when he sees a man in armor, who has popped up on one side of the stone wall like a hellish avatar of destruction and fearfully says they don't want trouble from the English. He offers to share his breakfast, but the soldier says he'll need more eggs -- as it looks like there's a full-scale invasion happening.
French court. Evil Anne of Green Gables invites herself into Sexy Nostradamus's lair, where he's making her a sleeping potion. Man, I want a pet sorcerer. All of a sudden, he has a vision of a soldier drawing his sword and being stabbed in the gut. Evil Anne asks what he sees and he says war… a war that will reach inside the castle.
Not talking about war: Mary and the girls are sitting by the lake, sharing their best kisses. Kenna's, of course, is a man, she gloats, not a boy. There's no sense in messing around with boys when men are so much more capable, she says -- or else the girls should take care of their own needs. And then the others burn her as a witch.
Greer shyly says she hopes her best kiss is in the future. She protests that she doesn't come from a titled family like the other girls, so she has to be extra chaste and good to snag a husband. But she has her eye on someone: Tomas, the son of the king of Portugal. She thinks he's lingering in France not for the trade deal he's negotiating, but because he's infatuated with her.
Aylee pops Greer's pleasant little fantasy by reminding her that princes marry for alliances, not love, but Greer says Tomas is a bastard, not a prince. Like Bash! OMG, would someone please make out with Bash? I mean, I'll do it if y'all are busy. Greer tells the girls she can take care of herself and besides, Tomas has money and land with no meddling in-laws who might want to kill her! Bonus!
Girl time is interrupted when a maid tells Mary her Uncle Claude has arrived and wants to see her. In the castle, Uncle Claude (it's Bill's brother Joey from Big Love!) hands over a letter from Mama Mary, telling Daughter Mary about the English massing on the Scottish border. Mary frets and says they must send reinforcements -- she thinks Henry will help. Claude politely says Henry has been reluctant in that regard so far. He asks why she hasn't finalized the alliance yet. Mary protests that there's not much she can do, that Henry and Francis are treating her like a pair of gloves for cold weather, something to be put aside until they have use of it. Regardless, Claude says, Mary needs to do something for Scotland. Now.
Mary storms into Henry's meeting with his advisers. The men all incline their heads to her and politely leave Henry and Francis alone. I'm starting to see why Mary wasn't so popular later in life. Henry offers his sympathy regarding Scotland's little English situation, saying he's sending supplies. Mary insists that supplies are useless without soldiers, and asks him to spare a few. Henry reminds her of all the hostile borders France has to defend -- England, Spain, all the different German and Italians regions. Mary says if France needed help, Scotland would be there. She asks for eight companies, and then bargains down to six. Henry doesn't say anything and kisses her hand. Mary stomps off in a snit.
Francis asks if it would hurt to send those six companies. Henry replies that losing the six companies -- as they probably would, given how hard the Scottish border is to defend -- would make them look weak to the English, inviting an invasion. Francis doesn't argue, just runs after Mary and pleads with her to understand. He says he agrees with her and one day, when they're in charge, they can run France and Scotland as they choose. Mary's tired of waiting. "If we have no real power, we must find a way of getting some," she says.
Charlie runs after Mary as she sulks across the lawn. She's kicking a soccer ball in frustration, which amuses Charlie; he tells her she's not like the other girls, who just sit around trying not to get their dresses dirty. Mary seems delighted to have won the regard of an eight-year-old. Too bad he's not the one she's supposed to marry. And then Mary boots the ball into a tree. Greer and Tomas stumble across them after Mary has climbed the tree to get the ball back, and being a king's bastard, he's none too discreet about looking up her skirt. Greer introduces Tomas formally, and he flirts with Mary before agreeing to turn around so she can climb down. And then she falls out of the tree on top of him.
"Portugal surrenders," Tomas says wryly and bids them farewell, telling Greer he looks forward to seeing her tonight. Mary and Greer giggle together about how dreamy Tomas is. Greer has romantic-moonlight-picnic plans and Mary wishes her luck.
Bash and Henry practice their sword fighting. Not like that, you filthy beasts. They have actual swords. The king knocks his son to the ground and asks what has him so distracted -- slim Lady Charlotte or Lady Isabelle with the big rack? Bash dryly says he'll keep it to himself, lest his father engage in some royal cockblocking.
Francis interrupts the fun to argue with his father some more about intervening in Scotland. He thinks if they strike fast -- a surge, if you will -- they'll take the English by surprise and strengthen the alliance. Henry's all, nope, I'm king and my word is law. Francis challenges his father to a sparring match and says if Henry wins, he'll shut up. But if Francis wins, Henry has to send six companies to Scotland. They fight. Francis wins, but Henry blithely goes back on his word. King's prerogative, he sneers. Francis cries like a tiny baby. And Bash is all, THAT'S FINE I WAS DONE SPARRING ANYWAY, DAD.
Greer bustles around the kitchen rattling up provisions for her Portuguese promiscuity picnic. The supercute kitchen man-wench she's importuning says he'll make her apple tarts and speculates that she must be planning a very special outing. She confirms that he is, and he suggests she leave her list of demands, er, polite requests, with him. "But who would read it to you?" she asks, all sweetness and cruelty. Hot man-wench bends to his task without snapping back that he might not be able to read, but at least he's not a virgin who can't drive.
Greer leaves the kitchen with Mary (and I'll just suspend my disbelief on this convenient meat hook that the freaking queen of Scotland would even know where the kitchen is located), who asks about the trade deal Tomas is in France to negotiate. Greer thinks that it's timber to make ships; Mary expositions that the Portuguese are expanding their fleet to make war ships and vessels to explore the New World. (Watch out, people of Asia and South America! The Portuguese are coming!) And she speculates that if she can't command what she needs, maybe she can buy it.
Mary and Tomas stroll across a janky-looking (and suspiciously modern-looking) bridge. She suggests that he cancel his deal with King Henry and Scotland can supply the timber they need, in exchange for some Portuguese soldiers. Tomas initially doesn't understand why Henry won't help her, and then gets it. He says his father (I'm guessing that would be João III. Thank effing god it's not another Henry) authorized him to make whatever decisions he thinks are necessary and he's interested, but he doesn't want to anger Henry. So he's going to go do some scheming.
Well, at least he'll catch Henry in a good mood, as right now he's molesting Kenna up against a wall and heavy-breathily suggesting that she come to his room, now. Kenna stammers that she wants to go be all wanton woman with him, but since she's still a girl, she's not ready yet. Man, that is one patient king. I guess it helps to have three other mistresses.
Cliffs. Dover? Scotland? Brittany? I have no earthly idea. Mary and Tomas ride together, and she looks happier than she has since she was at the convent. They ride into the courtyard of a half-ruined church, which Tomas says was built by Louis VII. They dismount and he shows her jewels from the New World, asking if she thinks the wealth will endear a lady to him. She smiles and says he might have a chance. He kneels and holds up a ring. Mary stammers that she meant the wealth would impress Greer. Tomas shrugs off Greer, as she's a nice girl, but she lacks certain things Mary has -- like a crown. He compliments her spirit and her wildness and says he thinks they're alike.
Tomas says he sees how Mary struggles in France and he doesn't want her to face her problems alone. If she marries him, he says, she won't have to wait for an army. (Or a proper rogering, if you know what I'm saying.) Mary protests that Tomas is kind and handsome and charming, but she has to marry a country… not a man. And a legitimate country, at that. Tomas hands over some papers and says his father has been trying to get the pope to declare Tomas legitimate, as João is dying and his current heir is a three-year-old grandson. "We can save Scotland -- if you marry me," he says.
Aylee asks Mary what Claude thinks of Tomas's proposal. She hasn't told him, and Aylee immediately guesses it's because Mary doesn't want to give up on Francis yet. Mary also doesn't want to steal Greer's man. Aylee rationally reminds her that a crown prince will never marry Greer. Mary says she's thinking about it and that she asked Tomas for his discretion.
At this evening's palace festivities, Kenna stands in the corner marked Frustrated Virgins while Henry stares holes in her clothes. Evil Anne of Green Gables asks Sexy Nostradamus if he knows how the war in his vision will reach the French court. She speculates that if Mary's marriage to Francis causes his death, that will certainly cause violence in the castle. Sexy Nostradamus looks like he's starting to fear the crazy lady he threw his lot in with.
Mary, her hair up and wearing the type of collar that's guaranteed to keep her from licking her stitches, nervously asks Francis if Henry is still refusing to send troops, all the while keeping an eye on Tomas, who's making sexy eyes at her. Francis says he's tried his best and Mary essentially dismisses him.
Henry hails Nostradamus, rather nastily, from the throne and asks him to share what he's always whispering in Evil Anne's ear with the whole court. He continues, saying Emperor Maximilian in Prague has a seer who reads cards. (And Henry himself must be able to see the future, as Maximilian I has been dead for decades and Maximilian II didn't assume the throne for another five years.) Henry commands Nostradamus to read Mary and her ladies' fortunes. Nostradamus protests politely that cards aren't really his thing, and he can't control his visions. Henry needles that Nostradamus must not be as good as Maximilian's seer, then. Evil Anne interrupts, but Nostradamus reluctantly agrees. He tells the girls to pick cards and ask him their questions.
Lola asks if she'll ever love again. Nostradamus flatly replies that she'll meet a dark, handsome stranger and to beware of flattery. He offers further platitudes about how life is challenging but the girls will face those challenges with grace, and Henry sardonically interrupts the fortune-cookie recitation. Nostradamus lurches into a vision and whispers, "The lion will fight the dragon on a field of poppies."
Greer asks whom she'll fall in love with and since Nostradamus is in a truth-telling mood, he says it will be a man with a white mark on his face. (He doesn't say the man will love her back.) Aylee asks when she'll see her family again and Nostradamus says, "You'll never go home." And then his vision is over. Henry's not impressed. Evil Anne calls for dancing music.
As Nostradamus is making his escape, Mary asks why he had to scare Aylee. He replies that he only repeated what he saw. She scoffs at the dragon-and-poppies vision, and he accedes that he must be a liar. Mary demands to know whom he serves. He says, "The realm. Myself. The truth," and then says selling the truth at court is risky business. He leaves and Francis claims Mary for a dance.
Greer, standing to Tomas, gamely says she never noticed that lovely white scar on his cheek, and compliments it. Tomas thanks her absently and excuses himself. As they dance, Francis pleads with Mary, saying he's tried everything he can reasonably think of with his father and she snaps that maybe he needs to be unreasonable. Tomas cuts in, telling Mary he asked the musicians to play Portuguese music.
The band strikes is up and Tomas starts, basically, the forbidden dance of love. It is hilariously cheesy and faux risqué, like she's dancing with Puss in Boots, and Mary looks horrified the entire time. Francis is flabbergasted, and maybe a little disturbed that he just discovered his cuckolding fetish. Evil Anne gets that pinchy, focused look that says she might have found a solution to her Scottish problem. Tomas twirls Mary and the dance ends and Bash asks snarkily why Francis doesn't dance like that. Evil Anne is delighted and Mary hisses, "That's not what I meant by discreet." Greer runs off in tears.
Mary follows and pleads with Greer not to be upset. Greer lies that she's fine, but that she thought Mary could've left this man for her, since she's already, you know, engaged. She says Mary knew how important Tomas was to Greer, but she guesses Greer's feelings weren't important to Mary. (Got that? It's all very childish.) Greer runs off and Francis smirks from behind Mary that she's caused some more chaos. Mary blurts out that Tomas asked her to marry him, and that he'll be declared legitimate. Francis is stunned and hurt, but Mary points out that Tomas is willing to marry her, which is something Francis seems to have trouble with. "If France won't help us, then I'll have no choice but to accept Portugal's offer" is her ultimatum.
The party's outside this time. (What day is it? All these people seem to do is go to parties and stalk through the corridors and walk around in the woods, sighing, like they're Real Housepeople with more clothes and inbreeding.) Lola and Kenna are on one side of the fire, Greer and Aylee on the other. Henry, in his formal crown, beckons to Kenna. She goes to him, but another woman steps in front of her and takes his offered hand. He escorts tonight's lady off to the fornication pavilion or whatever it is the servants have constructed. Kenna stares jealously, then exchanges a glance with Francis.
Tomas walks with Mary and says he married for love the first time. After his wife died, he never thought he'd get a chance to have a loving marriage again, rather than an arranged political one, especially after he learned of João's plan to make him the heir. Greer's watching them walking together and barely hanging on to her composure. Francis also watches. Tomas escorts Mary to their barge as the fireworks go off and they set off across the lake.
Back in the castle, Kenna flings herself onto a couch to Bash and glums, "Your father is a confusing man." Bash might be halfway in the bag as he agrees.
Mary tells Tomas that her family will need to confirm what he's told her about his pending legitimacy. He understands, but says his ship here in France has several companies of men and he's ready to send them to Scotland in order not to lose Mary.
Hot kitchen man-wench comes in and finds Greer, with her uneaten special picnic basket. He asks how her special date went and she breaks down, sobbing. GREER. CRY ON THAT HOT MAN-WENCH RIGHT THERE.
Kenna asks Bash if Henry is liable to punish people when he doesn't get what he wants, and Bash squirms at the awkwardness of talking about his dad's sex life with a hot girl his own age. (Uh, what happened to Robert?) Bash says Henry's not punishing Kenna, he's playing with her. And, he says, "A victory without effort is worse than a defeat." I feel like Kenna is going to end up writing the illuminated manuscript predecessor of The Rules.
Francis, aboard his father's barge, clears his throat, interrupting Henry's flavor-of-the-evening tryst. She excuses herself (to… somewhere else on the boat? Does she jump into the lake? The blocking here is quite oblique), and Francis brings up the Scottish alliance for the ten millionth time. Francis says he's observed Henry observing Kenna and wonders how Evil Anne and, more importantly, Diane, will react when they learn about Henry's new teenage piece of tail. Francis muses that Diane and his mother could make life quite difficult, even for a king, if they're upset. Henry's pleased that Francis has learned to fight dirty, and says he'll send the men, Francis will be responsible for what happens to them. Sure, that can't end badly.
The rider Francis is sending to mobilize the companies is Bash, who tries to sober himself up by dunking his head in a horse trough. Bash cockily assures Francis he's fine to ride and says he'll fix everything. Bash rides off, jauntily. Francis makes larval sex eyes at his brother's retreating form, and I can't tell if Francis is confused about who and what he wants or if it's the actor playing him who can't tell his ass from his elbow.
Greer and Hot Man-Wench drink wine and eat cheese while Man-Wench tells Greer stories about chasing his father's wayward goats all over the mountain the family lived on. That was when he decided he wanted an indoor career, Man-Wench says, although that damn goat still lives in the house in the winter. Greer's taken comfort with someone of a lower social station than herself, and says while she's never shared her home with a goat, her father does have hounds, which he loves more than his wife and daughters. Man-Wench asks if that's why Papa Greer sent her so far away, and Greer corrects that she was sent to France to marry well and elevate the family's name. "So love has no place in your life?" Man-Wench speculates. Greer says she hopes to find love, but she has four little sisters hoping she can better the family's circumstances.
Man-Wench is sorry for Greer's mercenary life -- so sorry he leans forward and kisses the social-climbing hell out of her. After a moment, though, she breaks away and sneers that he's a servant and nothing can happen between them. "But it did," Man-Wench replies. Greer storms off.
Francis tells Mary about the six companies on their way to Scotland. She's thrilled and asks how he did it. He says he was inspired, and even though he still can't marry her right away like Tomas can, he hopes this proves how sincere his intentions are, even though what they have together is the promise of a future. Mary says she wants a hope with him rather than a sure thing with Portugal. Er, with Tomas. They still don't make out.
Mary brings Greer a morning cup of this fashionable new Venetian coffee, which she readily admits is a bribe. Greer apologizes for getting angry with Mary over assumptions she made about Tomas. She says she'd made up a whole romance around her perfect first kiss and first love, and acknowledges that she was silly. Mary confesses that she's never been kissed either -- and Greer snickers that her status has changed of late. Before she can spill the hot man-wench details, Mary offers to send down for breakfast so the girls can gossip. Greer leaps off the bed in her eagerness to go to the kitchen.
Greer gives her specific instructions to a different kitchen manservant, then makes sex eyes at her former goatherd lovah as she says she wants cream in her coffee -- but for heaven's sake, not goat's milk cream. Hot Man-Wench goes back to kneading his bread, smearing flour on his cheekbone in just the sexiest way. Oh, I hope he sticks around. A man who can bake is useful.
Mary and Francis play with toys symbolizing their forces, positioning them on a map where they'll cross the Channel, exceedingly pleased with themselves. Outside, they hear a commotion -- it's Bash's horse, returning with him aboard, unconscious and seemingly injured.
Guards bring Bash, who has a bloody gut injury, into the castle. Nostradamus examines him, and then remembers his vision of a blade stabbing someone in the abdomen. He looks up at Evil Anne, who intones, "The cost of war will reach inside this castle." Henry bursts in and asks how Bash is. Nostradamus says he'll do what he can, but he can't promise anything. Bash wheezes, "Father… the English… rode out from Calais to face us." He says the six companies never made it to the ships -- they were slaughtered. Nostradamus says Bash shouldn't be talking and he'll put him to sleep so he can heal. Francis stammers how sorry he is as Bash coughs up blood.
Out in the hall, Henry sends Mary away and tells Francis, "Kings don't apologize." He says he knew it was a risk, sending Bash. Everything they do is a risk. It was a cheap lesson, he tells Francis, which Francis can't believe, since a couple of dozen men just died. Henry cautions him not to be influenced by his heart when he's king or he could lose ten thousand men rather than six companies. Or the whole country. Francis plods off to cry in peace.
Evil Anne points out that the English must have known the French were coming. Henry agrees that it seems someone rode to Calais and warned the English. Evil Anne asks if Henry's going to tell Francis who did it, and Henry says it would ruin the lesson. Because he's the one who just sold his own men into certain death. But this will ensure Francis never trusts his heart again, Henry says.
Mary finds Francis out in the courtyard and says he did the right thing. Francis just makes huge weepy eyes and then grabs Mary's face and kisses her. They stare at each other, breathing hard, and Francis tells Mary to marry Tomas. He says he can't help her, as France can't, so she should do what's right for her country. He sulks off.
Back in the castle, Mary knocks on Tomas's door and says it looks like she'll have to learn Portuguese.
By the water, Tomas promises to make Mary happy and she says he already has. He tells her he's sending eight companies to Scotland; they'll arrive in two days. When Mary sees the standard Tomas's men unfurl on their boat, she recalls Nostradamus's prophecy: "The lion will fight the dragon on a field of poppies." Flag of Portugal: dragon. Flag of England: lion. Flag of Scotland: I bet you can figure that out yourself. (Actually, the symbol of Scotland is the thistle, but I'm sure someone will explain the poppy connection to us soon.) Tomas takes Mary's hand.
time: The girls watch Tomas compete in a tournament, and Francis suspects that Tomas murdered his first wife. Francis and Mary make out in the woods.
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